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Shaykh Yasir Qadhi

Like A Garment Shaykh Yasir Qadhi

Halal Intimacy:
Practical Steps To A
Blissful Marriage

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Shaykh Yasir Qadhi

Fiqh Issues pertaining to Intimacy

1. The right of the Husband:
^^Prophet said, ‘No woman is called to bed by her husband,
and she refuses him, except that the One in the Skies is
angry at her until he is pleased with her’ [Muslim].
^^The reason for this should be obvious now. For the
husband, sex is a need, just like food and water.
^^Rejection of sex is highly painful to a man’s sense of pride.
^^It will make him withdrawn, and he will begin to resent
his wife, maybe even hate her, for depriving him from
something that he feels is his right.
^^For him, sex is an act that shows his love, and when he
approaches his wife for sex, he is showing he loves her.
When she rejects his sexual advances, from his perspective,
she is rejecting his love.
^^However, all of this does not mean that he has the right
to force himself on his wife. Notice that the hadith clearly
states that the husband shall remain angry at her – it doesn’t
say that the husband has the right to physically force her!
^^The reverse – meaning the right of the wife to have
intercourse – also applies, but not to the same level.
^^In the famous hadith of Abdullah b. Amr, when the
Prophet was informed that he fasted every day and prayed
every night, and had not touched his wife, he said, ‘…and
your wife has a right over you as well’ [Muslim].
^^Wife has the right to be sexually satisfied and can ask for a
khula if the husband is impotent.

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Fiqh Issues pertaining to Intimacy

2. Frequency of Sex
^^Some scholars have tried to put exact numbers on how
frequently couples should engage in sex. The majority,
however, do not put a number, but rather leave it to the
couple to decide.

Recommended Timings for Intercourse

99 There does not appear to be anything specific; however,
some scholars have said that before Fajr is a recommended
time and before the Friday prayer.
99 Intimacy can be done at any time of the year, day or night,
as long as both parties are able to do it and they have
ensured their privacy.

Prohibited Timings for Intercourse

88 During the daylight hours when fasting
88 During the menses.

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Fiqh Issues pertaining to Intimacy

3. Anal Intercourse
^^Anal is prohibited indirectly in Quran: ‘…approach your tilth
as and when you please’. Hadith are all explicit, “Whoever
approaches a menstruating woman, or a woman from her
back, or believes a soothsayer, has disbelieved in what has been
revealed to Muhammad” [Abu Dawud]. “Allah will not look at a
man who approaches his wife from her back” [Nisāī].
^^Some medieval scholars also prohibited one from completely
taking off one’s clothes, or from looking at the private parts of
the opposite gender, but this is something clearly permissible as
proven in the hadith of Aishah bathing with the Prophet

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Fiqh Issues pertaining to Intimacy

4. Oral Sex
^^In our culture, one of the main sexual habits that is not found in
classical Eastern cultures is oral sex.
^^Because of this cultural stigma, many of our modern scholars
considered it outright haram, and many considered it makruh.
^^It is rare to fine mention of this act in our books of fiqh;
however, here and there we do find some references.
^^The famous Hanbalite, al-Qadi Abu Yala, said that a man may
kiss a woman’s organ before intercourse without any karaha, but
it is makruh after intercourse. The same applies for a woman –
that she may kiss the man’s organ with passion. This was also
the opinion of Ata. (al-Mardawi, 20/61). And in the famous al-
Fatawa al-Hindiyya , which is the standard reference for modern
Hanafis, it states that if a man inserts his penis into his wife’s
mouth some have said that this is makruh, while others have said
that it is not.
^^Issue is related to the status of semen: The three madhhabs
(besides the Hanafi one) state that it is pure, but even some
scholars who said it is pure disliked its ingestion. Those who said
it is impure obviously hold its ingestion to be impermissible.
^^The preseminal fluid is najas according to all scholars; however
the quantity is much smaller and hence it can be overlooked.
^^A woman is obliged to allow him to have normal sex, but she is
not obliged to be aroused or climax herself.

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Shaykh Yasir Qadhi

Fiqh Issues pertaining to Intimacy

5. Masterbation
^^Generally, the madhhabs have considered it haram, based on the
fact that Allah prohibits all sexual activity except with one’s wife.
^^Some say that if one masturbates out of fear of fornication, this
is permissible – in fact, some even said that it might be obligatory
in such a case.
^^All scholars allow couples to stimulate each other; it seems
strange to prohibit it upon oneself.

6. Contraception
^^There are clear and explicit traditions that the Prophet allowed
the Companions to practice coitus interruptus .
^^What is actually discouraged is the notion that somehow a person
will be able to outdo what Allah has willed.

7. Other Acts
^^It is very important to note that culture, just as it plays a huge
role in food and drink, also plays a role in sexual intimacy.
^^‘Your women are like a field to you, so approach your field as you
wish’ meaning on their backs, or turned around, or on their sides,
as long as the place of fertility (mawḍi al-walad) is approached.”
[Abu Dawud]
^^There are many exotic fetishes in our times, most of which
border on the makruh or are outright haram.
^^Issue of filming and videotaping one’s own sex act is
extremely dangerous and therefore a strong case of
saying it is haram.

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THE WEDDING NIGHT (A STARRY NIGHT!)

Phases of a Marriage
BROTHERS
^^Be romantic
^^Give her gifts
^^Talk to her, tell her how much you love her and are eagerly
awaiting your future together
^^Realise that woman are scared of their first sexual
encounter
^^Be a real man and take care of her
^^The first experience is always awkward- it gets better!
^^Sex can be painful for most women in the beginning

SISTERS
^^Husband has been waiting for this night for a different
reason.
^^He wants to able to satisfy his desires in a halaal way.
^^Remember sex for him is a sign of love and wanting.
^^The pain is not unbearable- lubrication and relaxation helps
^^Having a bath beforehand can relax the muscles.
^^It gets better with time.

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Phases of a Marriage
HONEYMOON PHASE
(THE EXCITEMENT OF STAR WARS)
^^Right after the first few weeks of marriage, when all the celebrations
finish we enter the real honeymoon phase.
^^After a few weeks, sexual relations seem to somewhat normalize –
meaning that the couple can actively engage in sex (although to be
honest this will not be the best sex of their lives – that will come
later).
^^The “honeymoon” phase is the easiest phase. Both partners cant seem
to do anything wrong, and even if they do it is taken light heartedly.
^^It is during this time that sex seems to reaches unprecedented levels.
^^Every pleasure of this world, no matter how great, becomes
something that we begin to get used to.
^^The first real argument is a very painful argument because it destroys
that image of a perfect relationship that was the honeymoon.

REALITY STRIKES BACK

^^Generally speaking, this is the most difficult time of any marriage.
^^The couple needs to work out how they are going to live together.
Neither is experienced in this regard; both are used to different
lifestyles.
^^Sex is not as novel, as new, as exciting as it used to be.
^^The primary reason for this change: men feel rejected (hesitant to
initiate), women feel they are not romanced.
^^In order to sustain a marriage you have to MAKE a
marriage work, it will not happen naturally.

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THE MENACES AND ATTACK OF THE CLONES!

^^All of a sudden, the attack of the clones, also known as: children!

Pregnancy:
^^In this period hormones are everywhere it is a very emotional time for
a woman as she is preparing mentally and physically to be a mother.

Common Scenario: Fatima, Ahmad and Mustafa:

^^The primary problem here was that Ahmad didn’t life a finger to do
anything to help Fatima, and then expected Fatima to be the same
woman she was before giving birth!
^^Fatima as well needs to balance being a wife and a mother.

THE RETURN OF THE PASSION!

^^Women need to stop being overly conscious, men love them and
accept them and are not attracted to supermodels.
^^Also, psychologically speaking, one of the best ways that a woman can
keep herself attractive to her husband is to be always open about sex.
^^We need to always remind ourselves that ultimate feelings of sexual
intimacy can never be achieved without strong bonds of love.
^^There is no such thing as ‘standard’ sexual habits; rather, the couple
will develop together and help each other forms these
habits. Also realize that most problems of intimacy are
solvable – it takes time and effort from both sides.

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Shaykh Yasir Qadhi

Frank Sex Advice

The main sexual organ is not the body, bur rather the mind.
Good sex is not primarily about what we do, its about how we feel
around our partner.

Romance, romance, romance

^^There is no good sex without romance. A woman
needs to be emotionally aroused before she can become
physically aroused. Remember the various ‘languages of
love.
^^Beautiful hadith in this regard: “Everything that a man
passes his time by with (yalhū) is useless (bāṭil), except
for three: practicing archery, and horseriding, and a man
playing together with (mulāʿaba) his wife – for these are
from the truth!” [Tirmidhi].

Dressing properly
^^Since men are visual, they love seeing things that are
arousing. And there is nothing more arousing than a
woman in lingerie...

Confidence
^^A person must be confident in themselves, and in
particular, in their bodies, in order to fully enjoy sex..

No Pressure
^^Confidence is one of the key ingredients to good
intimacy..

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Frank Sex Advice

Choosing the Proper Type of Sex
^^Not all sex will be the same.
^^Some people have given the analogy to food...
^^When both partners are able to decide which ‘mood’ they are in,
this will allow the other partner to be prepared for it.

Foreplay
^^80 % of women actually enjoy the foreplay more than the actual
sex, whereas for men it is the exact opposite: foreplay is just a
means to sex.
^^A good foreplay is at least fifteen minutes long; preferably half
an hour. During this time a male does not actually penetrate, in
fact maybe even avoid touching her private area completely.
^^Build up the passion, tease her, whatever you do, start slowly,
don’t get to the actual erogenous area immediately.

Proper kissing
^^Many people mistakenly believe that kissing is of only one
type: the lips of the man touch the lips of the woman. But this
is completely wrong. Kissing is an art, and it can be learnt and
perfected.

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Frank Sex Advice

Proper caressing
^^By unanimous consensus a man may stimulate his wife’s
vagina with his hands, and vice versa. Abu Hanifa was asked
about this and he said, “They shall be rewarded for this act”
(meaning it is part of the normal sex act that a couple is
rewarded for).

Bath:
^^Having a bath/shower together in the beginning relaxes
the muscles and the mind and is a playful way to begin.
Especially before oral- good practice.
^^We all know that the Prophet would regularly take baths with
his wives.

Slowly Undressing Your Partner

Talking to your partner

Oral?
^^Almost all Western books advise the man to engage in oral sex
on his wife first, until he satisfies her completely. For Muslims,
this advice would go back to one’s position on oral sex. If
one believes this act to be impermissible then obviously they
should not do this – however another substitute is to play with
her vaginal area, and in particular, the clitoris, for an extended
period of time.

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Frank Sex Advice

The Act Itself
^^Go gently and build arousal.
^^Vary techniques.

Multi-Tasking
^^Take advantage of other body-parts as well!

Continuing on after orgasm

^^Ibn Qudama writes that it is mustahab to engage in foreplay,
and that if a husband climaxes before his wife, he should
continue until his wife also climaxes. He actually quotes a
tradition in this regard but it appears to be a weak tradition.
Al-Ghazali also states in his Ihya that a man should not with-
draw from his wife until she too has achieved what he has
achieved.

Note for women

^^A lot of this advice was directed to men, and that is because
typically a man does take charge here and does initiate most
of the acts.
^^Realize that for a man, really there is just one erogenous
zone, and that is his organ.

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Achieving more fulfilling relationships

The Three C’s of Healthy Intimacy

1. Confidence.

2. Communication.

3. Creativity.

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Woman’s Body and Her Orgasm

^^ A mans body and his orgasm is very simple:
^^One main erogenous zone where 95% of the pleasure comes from
(penis).
^^By the time a man gets married he knows how to get from arousal to
climax inside out.

Women on the hand are completely

different because:
^^First issue is hormonal and emotional.
^^However, for women, their sexual arousal is subject to both hormonal
and emotional factors beyond their control– it has to do with her
hormonal cycle.
^^The female organ is not as clear to understand as the male - not as
obvious which parts are which and the majority of women do not
experience wet dreams so they have no understanding of orgasms,
what it feels like, how to reach it.
^^Women have more than one erogenous zone. Women reach orgasms
in different ways- not one set procedure like a mans.
^^It is shocking for most men to find out that less than 30 % of women
achieve orgasm through regular intercourse. Over 80 % achieve
orgasm when the clitoris is stimulated directly, either by the tongue or
by fingers. Almost 95 % of women reported an orgasm if
the foreplay was more than twenty minutes.

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This is why men MUST:

^^Understand
^^Not put pressure on her to climax
^^Give her pleasure importance
^^Treat as a fun journey
^^Reassure her, especially physically
^^The number ONE reason why women do not want to
experiment with different positions is because they are scared
that their body will not look good in that position.

Basic Breakdown of a woman’s private parts..

A woman’s orgasm:
^^What is an orgasm? A series of rhythmic muscular contractions
of the female genitals combined with waves of intense pleasure
which is then followed by a release of physical and sexual
tension.
^^The main and easiest way majority of women climax is through
the clitoris (of course after emotional stimulation). How?
^^Stimulate the clitoris long enough in the right way.
^^Physical stimulation: It is up to you both to experiment and
find the right way. Somehow the clitoris must be stimulated.
Penetration alone doesn’t stimulate the clitoris.

Advice for Women:

^^Communicate, communicate, communicate!
^^Relax
^^Understand this is different for men:
^^His pleasure:

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Sexual Positions
Primary ones are four:
1. Missionary Position (man on top)
2. Woman on top.
3. Rear-entry.
4. The sitting position (aka lotus position).

Positions can be varied by minor difference, angles, pressures, etc.

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Common Problems & Complaints

Problems Amongst men:
1. Premature ejaculation. In one study its estimated that up to 75
% of men suffer from it during one stage or another of their
life, and over 30 % of men suffer from it even after many years
of marriage.

Solution:
^^Don’t make the man feel any more conscious, as it will severely
affect his self-esteem.
^^Understand that for most men this is a stage of their life.
^^Prolong foreplay for woman.
^^Use thick condom.
^^Try working him almost to climax and then pausing (develop-
ing resistance).
^^More frequent intercourse.

2. Not being able to achieve erections; erectile dysfunction (ED), while

common amongst older men, also exists in younger men as well.
^^Sub issue here of the husband being pressured into having sex
and therefore not having an erection

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Common Problems & Complaints

Problems Amongst Women
1. Sex is Painful.
^^Realize this is normal; explain to your husband this is nor-
mal as well.
^^Concentrate on foreplay and arousal.
^^Use lubrication and special condoms.

2. Cannot climax
^^Realize this is normal; very common amongst newlyweds.
^^Proper ambience, if you don’t like it, fix it!
^^Prolong foreplay
^^Enjoy the act, don’t worry about where it will lead.
^^Squeezing pelvic muscles helps: ‘Kegel exercises’

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Common Complaints About Spouse

For Men:
^^“My wife just never wants to do it!!!”
^^“My wife never gets ready for me.”

For Women:
^^“My husband is sex-obsessed!!!”
^^“My husband doesn’t care about my pleasure.”
^^“My husband doesn’t care about his appearance.”
^^ for me, and I love it when she does that.”

General Advice:
^^Women need to understand that once a man is in love and
committed, blemishes are overlooked as long as the woman tries
and maintains herself that is enough.
^^When a woman is upset she does not want to be alone- you
have to show her you care by listening to her.
^^Women need to understand that men express themselves
emotionally through sex, and rejecting advances is rejecting his
love.
^^Men need to understand women need to feel in the mood to
have sex..
^^Differing sexual drives are extremely common – in fact it can be
said this is the norm.

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Conclusion
Let’s Put This Knoweldge
Into (Halal) Action!!!

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