i feel sad, again.

and i’m writing dis bc i might forgot na i-kwento na naman ‘to sa’yo later +
honestly, i figured na i was only awkward on telling my probs PERSONALLY. i find it easier telling it
dis way, though ik it’s way more better if mapag uusapan natin. but hey, i’m adjusting naman. i just
rlly want to start it dis way, kung s’an ako comfortable, so I’m sorry. as i was saying, i’m sad again
nga and still idk why, or maybe i do.

idk maybe (1) it’s bc of my daddy, ‘cause i miss him and i’m worried sakan’ya bit i can’t deny that he
was such an ass. sama lang kase talaga ng loob ko sakan’ya bc it’s like we’re being taken for
granted ni sheila. our love for him were making us weak to refuse him. gara lang kase n’ya kase
parang ‘di n’ya man lang nakikita efforts namin and ‘yung mga naitulong namin sakan’ya, to the
point na sheila and i thought of a kidney transplant dati bc it pains us so much to see him lying on
that hospital bed. mahal na mahal namin s’ya to the point na kahit matagal n’ya na kaming
tinalikuran at pinagdamutan ng atensyon n’ya, e mas gusto pa rin namin na maayos s’ya. dami kong
sama ng loob to him but it’ll probably take me hours if i’ll enumerate those here pa and ayoko rin
naman mag trauma dump pa sa’yo.

or maybe (2) bc of my studies as well as (3) my future, bc honestly i’ve been stressing abt it, i mean
i always do. it’ll always pop sa utak ko before i sleep kaya imbes na tutulog na sana ako e nag iisip
pa ko. idrkkkk i’m just having dis thoughts na i’m not getting any younger na talaga esp bc i’m on
my 20’s alr and yet imbes na 3rd yr college na sana ako next s.y e ayon 1st yr palang. tho idc naman
sa iisipin and sasabihin ng iba bc bakit sino ba sila sa life ko ?? hahahaha funny lang kase i’ve been
ignoring yung sinasabi ng iba without realizing that my own enemy is my own mind and thoughts.
and abt sa future ko, i just thought of moving out sa house this year or maybe next year bc ayoko
talaga ng may mag c-control sakin. but what i mean sa pag ‘move out’ is that having my own place,
not here sa house n’yo ha lol. pag isipan ko pa what will be my plans like if mag working stud ba ko
next yr or idk maybe i’ll talk kay mama first.

lastly, i wanna clear things out sa’yo bc we didn’t have a maayos na conversation last time. i was
hurt when u said na “ako nga tinatry ko (na wag na mag punch sa wall)” bc it was like u are saying
that i don’t try coz i do. diba sinabi ko naman sa’yo before na there’s no passing day na hindi ko
naiisip na mag suicide? i mean it. growing up na ‘yun lang tingin kong solution every prob + the fact
na i’ve been wanting that to happen. i’m just saying that those days na i’m clean? it’s bc i tried not
to do that, and aaminin ko sa’yo na ang hirap. sobrang hirap kase gustong gusto ko gawin, but ikaw
yung iniisip ko. kaya nasaktan ako nung sinabi mo na ikaw tinatru mo, kase ako rin naman. hindi man
halata, pero araw-araw kong pinipigilan sarili ko, gwen. there were times na iniisip ko na i-end
nalang ‘tong satin bc ik it’ll be hard for u to understand me and i don’t wanna put more trauma
sa’yo. kase aware ako, sobra, na nakakapagod and it’ll only exhaust u. kase i’ve been seing posts on
fb or tiktok na engaging with us (ppl who do barcode and shit) is such a waste of time lang daw and
i’m afraid na it’s true, that you’re wasting your time w me lang. it hurts, but i get them. bc if i can’t
handle myself well, how can u pa kaya? ik that “damaged ppl, damage ppl” that’s why i want u to
know that u can back out while it’s early pa. and i want to ask u din if itutuloy pa ba natin ‘to? i love
you but it won’t be easy. it will never be easy sa’yo. bc there r times that i’d do barcodes again and i
want u to know that what i want to receive from anyone who’ll witness that side of me is a hug and
hug alone. no yelling and no judgement. i would really appreciate it if you’d only give me hugs and
stay by my side lang while telling me na everything’s going to be fine. ‘yun lang hahaha odiba dami
ko sinabi, yet kung magkausap tayo neto, for sure tahimik lang ako. whatever your answer is, i’ll
accept it. u think abt it first, hm? i love you, love. sobra.