PSYCHOLOGY AND RELATIONSHIPS

Here's the No. 1 thing that

'destroys' relationships,
say researchers who
studied couples for 50
years
Published Fri, Mar 3 2023 10∶17 AM EST
Updated Fri, Mar 3 2023 10∶32 AM EST

Dr. Jessica Griffin, Contributor

@THEDRJESSICA

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Contributor

@ P E P P E R S C H WA RT Z

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Malte Mueller | Getty Images

As a psychologist and sexologist, we've been

studying relationships for more than 50 years
combined, and we've found that no matter
how you slice it, most of them fail because of
poor communication. 

In his book "What Predicts Divorce?",

psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies the
four most problematic types of
communication in relationships, based on his
studies of 40,000 couples:

1. Contempt: Expressing a lack of respect

for our partners (e.g., name-calling, eye-
rolling, ridiculing).
2. Criticism: Attacking a partner's
character.
3. Defensiveness: Protecting from criticism
by using excuses or shifting blame.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from
communication by ignoring, zoning out or
acting busy.

Of these four, Gottman says, the biggest

predictor of a failed relationship is contempt.

What does contempt look like?

Contempt is more than criticism or saying
something negative. It's when one partner
asserts that they are smarter, have better
morals, or are simply a better human being
than the other.

The partner on the receiving end feels

unworthy and unloved.

For example, continually interrupting the other

person is disrespectful. But it turns into
contempt when the interruption is not an
overeager desire to talk, but rather a
statement that the partner has nothing
interesting or important to say.

It could be as obvious as a spouse saying, "Oh,

he's not worth listening to. He couldn't tell a
story to save his life." 

When this type of behavior becomes more

than rare — and when it is either
unrecognized or delivered with intent — any
relationship, much less a marriage, is in
trouble.

How contempt destroys

relationships
Contempt makes it impossible for partners to
feel like they have each other's back. Instead
of "it's you and me against the problem,"
partners are now the opponents. They never
know when they might be attacked or
undermined.

This often stems from individuals feeling that

they are standing up for themselves, which is
usually a healthy thing to do. But the problem
is that they are standing up for themselves
against their partner, trying to raise
themselves up while tearing their partner
down. 

Contempt isn't just bad for relationships — it's

also bad for our health. We need one another
to survive. Contempt cuts off or threatens
those ties to other people..

Research has shown that individuals who use

contempt in their communication have higher
rates of disease, including cancer, heart
disease, and other illnesses such as colds or
the flu. 

How to eliminate contempt in your

relationship

1. Identify and share negative

feelings.

When we don't know how to name or talk

about negative feelings, it's tempting to take
them out on others. 

For example: "I can't believe you are canceling

our date night to meet with your friends. You're
a selfish jerk. You never think about my
feelings!" 

To avoid contemptuous communication, use

this formula instead:

1. State what you're feeling

feeling: "I feel
annoyed and sad because I was looking
forward to spending time together."
2. Add a request
request: "I'd like to avoid this
happening in the future by talking about it
first before changing plans."
3. Invite your partner to the
conversation
conversation: "Do you think we can do
that?"

2. Create a culture of appreciation.

Expressing appreciation helps us notice more

of our partner's positive qualities rather than
the negatives.

Ideally, we want our positive statements and

gestures to outweigh the negative ones — the
magic ratio is at least five positive statements
or feelings to one negative one. 

Track your communication patterns over a

week. How often are you engaging in negative
interactions (e.g., nagging, criticizing, ignoring,
eye-rolling) versus positive ones (e.g., praising,
complementing, doing something nice for the
other partner)?

The following week, interact with your partner

using the magic ratio. Do you feel differently?

You can also try each making a list of 20

things you love about each other. Read them
out loud, and challenge yourselves by adding
to the list over time.

Jessica Griffin
Griffin, PsyD, is a professor of psy‐
chiatry and pediatrics at the University of
Massachusetts Chan Medical School. She is
also the co-author of "Relationship Rx:
Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper
Connection." Follow Jessica on Twitter and
Instagram.

Pepper Schwartz
Schwartz, PhD, is a sexuality expert
and co-author of "Relationship Rx:
Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper
Connection." She is a professor of sociology at
the University of Washington in Seattle, where
she created the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship
on Intimate Relationships and Sexuality.
Follow Pepper on Twitter and Instagram.

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*This is an adapted excerpt from "Relationship

Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper
Connection" by Jessica Griffin and Pepper
Schwartz, published by Rowman & Littlefield
Publishers. Copyright © 2023 by Jessica Griffin
and Pepper Schwartz.

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