FERMATA

DRAFT: 2022 06 28
BUOD

Namatay ang isang sikat na musikero. Ang anak na si Ben, umuwi mula sa US para

ayusin ang ilang papeles tungkol sa pagpanaw ng ama. Habang nasa Pilipinas, may

lumapit na diyaryo kay Ben para magsulat ng article tungkol sa pumanaw na

musikero; isang tribute para sa isang "musical icon."

Balak gamitin ni Ben ang pagkakataong ‘yun para imbestigahan at ibunyag ang

nalalaman n’ya tungkol sa ama, sa paniniwalang hindi dapat ito parangalan.

Ang dula ay tungkol sa pagdalaw ni Ben sa isang kaibigan para pag-usapan ang

mga nagawang kasalanan ng ama.

MGA TAUHAN

BEN Mid-40s, Composer

ALEX Mid-40s, Business Owner

TAGPO

Sa isang maliit na jazz bar sa Quezon City; sa kasalukuyan.

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 Sa pagbubukas ng ilaw, makikitang

nakaupo si Alex sa likod ng bar

counter.

Sa ibabaw ng counter may makikitang

ash tray sa tabi ng isang bote ng vodka.

Kukuha si Alex ng baso mula sa likod

ng counter, lalagyan ito ng yelo, at

magbubuhos ng konting vodka.

ENTER, Ben.

Makikita ni Alex si Ben; hindi

makikilala.

ALEX: Closed na kami...

Lalapit si Ben kay Alex; nakangiti.

BEN: Huy! Lex!

ALEX: Sino ‘yan? (makikita si Ben) Ay puta... Ben?

BEN: Kamusta, pare!

ALEX: I’m good! Ikaw? Long time no see, man!

BEN: Oo p’re; long time.

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 Magyayakapan ang magkaibigan.

ALEX: Sit down, man! Inom tayo.

Kukuha si Alex ng isa pang baso sa

likod ng counter at lalagyan ‘to ng yelo.

ALEX: You good with Vodka?

BEN: Kahit ano, basta may alcohol.

Lalagyan ni Alex ng vodka ang baso ni

Ben.

ALEX: Ang tagal mong nawala a!

BEN: Oo nga e. Pasensya na.

ALEX: No problem. What’s important is that we’re here, right?

BEN: N’ung nabalitaan kong nagtayo ka ng jazz bar, kating-kati talaga

kong dumalaw e. Naisip ko ang saya siguro mag-jam.

ALEX: E ba’t ngayon ka lang?

BEN: Wala e. Nagaantay ako ng tamang pagkakataon, pero n’ung nalibre

ako, naisip ko masyado nang late na para dumalaw; nakakahiya na.

ALEX: Baka masyado ka lang “big time” para sa maliliit na jazz bar.

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BEN: Hindi a!

ALEX: Yeah? I saw a photo on Facebook with you and that famous singer.

Ano pangalan n’un?

BEN: Wala ‘yun. Hindi seryoso ‘yun...

ALEX: (matatawa) Maganda ‘yun a! Dapat binuntis mo na ‘yun, para pumuti

ang lahi mo!

BEN: Wala, gago. ‘Di pa ko ready sa gan’on. Tikim-tikim muna tayo.

(saglit) Ikaw nga, may bar ka e. Dami mo sigurong chicks dito, ‘no?

ALEX: Nah, man! Retired na ko!

BEN: Ano? Si Alex Rufino mag-reretire sa pangchi-chicks?

ALEX: May asawa na ‘ko.

(saglit) I met someone. She plays the piano for one of the bands here...

BEN: Nabuntis mo, ‘no?

ALEX: (nods) Yep.

BEN: (matatawa) Masaya ka naman?

ALEX: I have a baby girl at home; she’s six. I have a boy on the way. You

want to see my family?

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BEN: Oo, please!

ALEX: (saglit) Ito, bro, tignan mo...

Ilalapit ni Alex ang cellphone kay Ben

at ipakikita ang litrato ng anak.

BEN: Ganda ng anak mo, p’re. Sakit sa ulo mo ‘yan ‘pag nagdalaga ‘yan.

ALEX: (matatawa) That’s why I’m hoping she gets a brother, para may

bodyguard siya.

Saglit.

BEN: Grabe! Bilis ng panahon, p’re. Akalain mo may mga anak ka na?

ALEX: Mabilis talaga. That’s why you gotta go with the flow, man. You’re

never going to win a fight with Father Time.

BEN: As long as you’re happy, pare. Cheers to you! Cheers to your

children!

Magto-toast ang dalawa at iinom.

BEN: (iaangat ang baso) Bottomless ba ‘to?

ALEX: Sige, bottomless ngayon.

BEN: Joke lang! Joke lang!

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ALEX: Gago! Sa’kin ka pa nahiya?

Maghahanda si Alex ng bagong

inumin.

ALEX: Pare, I never got to tell you this... I heard about your dad. Condolence,

p’re.

Ben nods; hindi magsasalita.

ALEX: I went to the funeral, you know?

BEN: Sabi nga ni Mama nand’un ka raw.

ALEX: Yeah. I thought you’d be there.

BEN: (iiling) Deins, p’re. ‘Di ako pumunta.

ALEX: (chuckles) Yeah. I noticed.

BEN: Sorry, ‘tol, ‘Di ako mahilig sa “funerals.”

ALEX: I don’t think there’s anyone who’s into that...

Iinumin ni Ben ang vodka sa baso.

Kukunin ni Alex ang bote at lalagyan

muli ng vodka ang mga baso nila.

Matagal na katahimikan.

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ALEX: You know what? Change topic tayo.

(raises his glass) Tangina mo, pare. Ang galing mo!

BEN: Ha?

ALEX: (bibigyan ng baso si Ben) This one’s for your new award.

BEN: Wala ‘yun p’re—

ALEX: Gawad Urian! “Best Score!”

(saglit) I’m telling you, man, hindi ako fan ng rom-com, but I saw that

movie to listen to your score.

BEN: Hindi naman mahirap ‘yung ginawa ko. Baka nga kung ikaw ang

gumawa n’un mas maganda ang kinalabasan e.

(saglit) Kahit dati pa, kahit n’ung mga bata pa tayo, obvious sa lahat

na ikaw ‘yung pinakamagaling sa’min.

ALEX: Kung meron mang magaling... Pare, your dad. Magaling magturo ang

dad mo.

BEN: Actually, wala na nga akong maalala sa mga tinuro n’ya e.

ALEX: Ako, meron.

BEN: O?

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ALEX: Yeah, man. I even have a favorite; ‘yung “fermata.”

BEN: Ano nga ulit ‘yun?

ALEX: It’s a musical symbol you put over a note to show that you can play it

longer than it’s normal duration.

BEN: Bakit mo naaalala ‘yun?

ALEX: Kasi astig s’ya, p’re. It’s like your holding everyone’s breath at the tip

of your fingertips. And the best part is that you get to choose whether

you want to hold on, or to let go.

BEN: Wow. Isa ka na palang poet?

ALEX: P’re, sabi nga nila, jazz daw ang tunog ng free-verse poetry.

BEN: (pabiro) ‘Yan siguro paborito mong pickup-line, ‘no?

ALEX: (matatawa) I’m a musician. I don’t need a pickup line.

Saglit.

BEN: Fermata.

(pabiro) Pupusta ko, p’re, isa ka r’un sa mga kumag na halos ayaw

bumitaw sa nota?

ALEX: No, man. I’m the opposite.

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 (a beat) I mean, I know I can hold it longer, but I’m not that kind of

person. Gusto ko “let go” na agad, let’s get this shit done.

BEN: E ano point ng fermata kung bibitawan mo naman agad?

ALEX: For me, pare, it’s symbolic. We got so much shit to deal with: bills,

electricity water... Health problems. Sometimes I feel like exploding.

(saglit) Hindi ko alam if you know what I’m talking about, but I get

like that sometimes. Maybe because there’s so much shit going on,

‘right? I don’t know.

(saglit) Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I imagine that it’s there,

the fermata, pare. It reminds me that I have a choice. I can hold on to

all that anger, that hate, but I can also let go.

Mahabang katahimikan.

Iinumin ni Ben ang lamang vodka ng

baso n’ya, tapos kukunin ang bote para

muli itong dagdagan.

ALEX: Slow down, pare. May lakad ka ba?

BEN: Hindi, p’re. Sarado ka na kasi. Ayoko lang maka-abala.

ALEX: Don’t worry about it. Relax lang tayo.

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BEN: (matatawa) Sorry.

Mananahimik pareho.

Makikita ni Ben ang isang gitara sa

gilid ng bar.

BEN: (ituturo ang gitara) Kaninong gitara ‘yan?

ALEX: Nakalimutan ko na. Ang tagal na n’yan dito; ginawa ko na lang

display.

Tatayo si Ben at lalapit sa gitara.

BEN: Oks lang?

ALEX: Sure, man. Go ahead.

(a beat) But I gotta tell you, that’s probably out of tune. It’s been a

while since anyone used that.

Kukunin ni Ben ang gitara at itotono

ito.

BEN: Tumutugtog ka pa?

ALEX: (ngingiti) Tangina, you’re in a jazz bar. Of course, I still play.

BEN: Naalala mo ‘to?

10 of 37
 Itutugtog ni Ben ang isang lumang

kanta ng ama.

ALEX: I haven’t heard that song in such a long time, pare.

BEN: You know I’m glad that you can still play after all those music lessons

with Dad...

ALEX: Bakit naman ako titigil?

Babguhin ni Ben ang usapan.

BEN: Last weekend pala, may reporter na tumawag sa’kin. Tinanong ako

kung puwede raw akong sumulat ng article tungkol kay Dad para sa

kanila. Sabi nila, “to further cement his legacy as a musical icon.”

ALEX: (nods) Nice. Ano sabi mo?

BEN: Sabi ko pag-iisipan ko... Actually, pumunta ko dito para

magpatulong.

ALEX: Saan?

BEN: Sa article.

ALEX: (matatawa) Fuck that, man; I don’t know shit about writing.

BEN: Marami kang alam na ‘di ko alam.

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ALEX: Sa jazz?

BEN: Isa na ‘yun, siguro.

ALEX: Mag- Internet ka na lang. You don’t need me for that shit.

Ititigil bigla ni Ben ang pagtugtog at

ibabalik ang gitara kung saan n’ya ito

nakuha.

BEN: Actually, hindi naman tungkol sa jazz ang gusto kong isulat.

ALEX: O? Tungkol s’an?

BEN: ‘Yung ibang shit, p’re. ‘Yung hindi pinag-uusapan.

ALEX: What are you talking about, man?

Uubusin ni Alex ang alak sa baso at

mapapansing ubos na rin ang iniinom

ni Ben.

BEN: Come on, Alex. Alam mo kung ano ibig kong sabihin.

ALEX: No. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Uubusin ni Alex ang inumin. Makikita

n’yang wala nang laman ang baso ni

Alex. Lalagyan niya itong muli ng alak.

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ALEX: Alam mo, uminom ka na lang. Puro ka chismis e.

BEN: Marami kasi akong narinig.

ALEX: Ingat ka sa mga naririnig mo. Maraming fake news ngayon—

BEN: May narinig akong “fake news” na ginalaw raw ni Dad mga

estudyante n’ya.

Hindi sasagot si Alex.

BEN: Totoo ba?

ALEX: You were his student, too. You tell me.

BEN. Ako, hindi...

Saglit.

BEN: Ikaw?

ALEX: Hindi naman kami close ng Dad mo. Why the fuck are you asking me,

man?

Mahabang katahimikan.

BEN: Lex, do you remember Mike’s suicide note?

ALEX: Tangina, Mike’s suicide note?

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BEN: Sinabi ni Mike na-rape daw s’ya, pero wala siyang sinabi kung sino

gumawa.

ALEX: Tagal na n’un, bro. We don’t have to talk about that.

BEN: Gusto ko lang malaman kung totoo.

ALEX: Ang tagal na n’un! Why are you even bringing that shit up right now?

BEN: Kasi nga, walang pangalan, so gusto ko lang malaman—

ALEX: (pasigaw) What do you think?

BEN: I don’t know! I don’t know, pare...

Matagal na katahimikan.

BEN: Dinalaw ko s’ya minsan; sa home. Medyo malala na ‘yung

Alzheimer’s n’ya n’un. Dinala s’ya sa’kin n’ung ward. Inupo s’ya sa

harap ko.

(saglit) Ang tagal n’yang tahimik. ‘Di n’ya ko makilala. Paulit-ulit ako,

“Kilala mo ba ko? Kilala mo ba ko?”

(saglit) ‘Di s’ya sumasagot. Nakangiti lang s’ya.

(saglit) Maya-maya, sabi n’ya, “Mike.”

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 (saglit) Tapos nanginginig s’ya... Nakatingin s’ya sa’kin tapos akala ko

nanginginig s’ya. Tumayo ako para tawagin ‘yung ward, tapos nakita

ko bukas pantalon n’ya.

(saglit) Tapos.... Tapos ano—

ALEX: (interrupts) Stop, stop. ‘Wag mo na tuloy ‘yang kuwento mo. No one

needs to hear the rest of it.

(iiling) “Rest in peace” na tatay mo. Let it go, man.

BEN: Nakita ko kayo.

Matagal na katahimikan.

BEN: Kayo ni Dad; nakita ko kayo.

Hindi sasagot si Alex. Iinom lang siya

ng vodka.

Mahabang katahimikan.

BEN: Pare, anong nangyari?

ALEX: Fuck you, Ben. You come to my bar after a fucking decade, and that’s

what you want to fucking talk about?

BEN: May alam ka ba tungkol d’un?

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ALEX: Why don’t you ask your mom? Baka s’ya may alam.

BEN: Anong kinalaman n’ya dito?

ALEX: Your parents split after Mike’s wake, ‘di ba?

(saglit) Didn’t you ever ask your mom why?

BEN: Lagi naman silang nag-aaway noon...

(saglit) Tingin mo alam ni Mama lahat ‘yun?

ALEX: They live in one house. If there’s anyone who knows what’s going on,

‘yung nanay mo ‘yun.

BEN: Hindi naman nagsasalita ‘yun; kahit dati wala akong narinig d’un.

Kaya nga sa iba ko tinatanong e...

(saglit) Wala na kasi ako n’un e. Umalis ako for school, tapos nag-

dorm na ko n’un—

ALEX: (interrupts) Umalis ka kasi nakita mo s’ya kasama si Mike, tama?

BEN: P’re, hindi si Mike ang nakita ko...

(saglit) Naiwan ko ‘yung music sheets ko sa piano room. Magkatabi

kayo ni Dad, tapos ‘yung kamay n’ya nasa loob ng t-shirt mo, sa may

likod—

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ALEX: Hand sa likod? Hindi rape ‘yun; wala lang ‘yun. Besides, it’s been 30

fucking years, Ben. Maybe you’re remembering things wrong.

BEN: Hindi, p’re. Sure ako. Ikaw ang nakita ko.

ALEX: So, anong ginawa mo? Nanood?

Matagal na katahimikan.

BEN: Pare, I know... I know na dapat may ginawa ako. Pero ano gagawin

ko, p’re? Dapat ba kinausap ko s’ya? Paano?

(mapanuya) “Hey Dad, kung okay lang naman, sana ‘wag mo hipuan

mga kaibigan ko?”

ALEX: Oo! At the least!

(saglit) Maybe you didn’t want to say anything, kasi baka hindi ka

makakuha ng scholarship sa magandang school if people find out that

your dad’s a child molester.

BEN: Walang kinalaman ‘yun.

ALEX: Think about it! Manghihingi ka ng pera for tuition, tapos malalaman

ng mga tao may tatay kang child molester?

BEN: That has nothing to do with this!

ALEX: So, bakit? Bakit hindi ka nagsumbong?

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BEN: Bakit si Mike hindi nagsumbong?

ALEX: Why the fuck are you asking me? Ako ba si Mike?

BEN: Gusto ko kasing maintindihan—

ALEX: You want to go visit Mike’s grave and ask him? Tangina, p’re, baka

sumagot ‘yun, mag-panic ka.

BEN: Bakit bumalik si Mike?

ALEX: Why do you keep asking that?

BEN: Twice a week ang piano lessons n’ya; ten sessions over five weeks.

Paano n’ya na-kumpleto ‘yun, kung nangyayari nga ‘yun?

ALEX: (pasigaw) How the fuck should I know? I’m not Mike!

(saglit) Pare, maybe he didn’t know what to do!

(saglit) Think about it, pare. If Mike tells his parents that he wants to

quit, they’re going to ask him “why.” Teenager ‘yun; 14-years-old.

Maybe he didn’t know how to talk about that shit; or how to tell his

parents he was molested.

(saglit) It’s more likely that every week, he hopes and prays that it’s

the last time it would happen; na sana sa susunod na linggo, hindi na

siya galawin!

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 (saglit) Maybe he was afraid, or ashamed, because he’s 14-years-old

and he doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on.

Uubusin ni Alex ang vodka sa baso

n’ya, at maglalagay ng panibagong

shot.

Iinom si Alex ng malaking lagok ng

vodka.

ALEX: Imagine mo, p’re. How does a 14-year-old talk about that? What’s he

going to tell his dad?

(saglit) “’Tay, ayoko na mag piano lessons kasi si Teacher, tinanggal

pantalon ko—”

(saglit) Tangina! I can’t even say it, pare!

Matagal na katahimikan.

ALEX: So, you can’t blame Mike... There’s no one to blame but the person

who did that shit to him.

BEN: Pero, paano ‘yun? Hayaan na lang ba natin? Walang mananagot?

ALEX: Mike’s dead. Your dad’s dead. What else do you fucking want, man?

Matagal na katahimikan.

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ALEX: Alam mo, p’re...

(a beat) I think you’re acting out of guilt. You knew what was

happening. Alam mo—

BEN: Paano ko malalaman? Hindi naman ako naka-sigurado; hanggang

ngayon nga ‘di ko pa rin alam kung ano talaga nangyari.

(pasigaw) Kaya nga kita tinatanong!

Matagal na katahimikan.

Lalapit si Alex para tapikin si Ben na

parang sinasabing, “’Wag na tayo mag-

away, p’re.”

Sisimulan ni Alex ang pagliligpit ng

ilang bote at aalis sa entablado.

Habang wala si Alex magpapatugtog si

Ben ng kanta gamit ang cellphone.

ALEX: Really? Where the fuck did you find that, pare?

BEN: Uy! Sino ‘to? Ang ganda ng kanta, ah?

ALEX: Tangina...

BEN: Actually, pare, favorite ko ‘yan sa lahat ng mga gawa mo.

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ALEX: Patayin mo nga ‘yan.

BEN: Gawin mong score ‘yan ng rom com. Mananalo ka rin ng Gawad

Urian.

ALEX: Gago!

Tatahimik ang dalawa habang

pinakikinggan ang kanta.

ALEX: Ben, Mandela Effect!

Hindi makikinig kay Alex si Ben at

patuloy na sasabayan ang kanta.

Papatayin ni Alex ang kanta.

BEN: O, ba’t mo pinatay?

ALEX: Pare, Mandela Effect. Narinig mo na ‘yun?

BEN: Ano ‘yun?

ALEX: Kilala mo si Nelson Mandela?

BEN: Oo. Kilala ko ‘yun. Anong kinalaman ni Mandela dito?

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ALEX: I saw a video on YouTube about the “Mandela Effect.” It’s a

phenomenon where a group of people – like hundreds or thousands

of them – have “false memories” of the past.

BEN: Wala akong “false memories.”

ALEX: That’s what they said, too.

BEN: Sinong “they?”

ALEX: A lot of people think that Mandela died in the 80s; they have legit

memories about it.

BEN: Oo nga, ‘nung 80s. Tapos?

ALEX: Marami sila, p’re. Thousands of people are saying that they have

memories of Mandela dying in prison in the 80s. ‘Yung iba nga

naaalala pa pati mga news articles, speech ng mga celebrity, pati

televised funeral.

BEN: Oo. Naalala ko ‘yun...

ALEX: Tapos ito ‘yung weird, p’re. According to our history records, it didn’t

happen, kasi hindi naman n’ung 80s namatay si Mandela. He died in

2013.

BEN: Ha? Ulol...

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ALEX: Oo nga! Sige. Check mo!

Kukunin ni Ben ang phone at

hahanapin kung kailan namatay si

Mandela.

BEN: Hala... 2013 nga.

ALEX: See? I told you.

BEN: Sandali. Ano ba ‘yung point mo?

ALEX: I’m one of those, man! Naaalala kong namatay si Mandela. May

report pa sa TV Patrol. I remember everything.

BEN: So, sinasabi mo may “false memories” ako?

ALEX: Man, I’m just saying, “What if we can’t completely trust our

memories?”

(saglit) The other day, I saw a conspiracy theory about it. The video

said that false memories happen when parallel universes collide, and

memories from different universes co-exist in the same timeline.

Pucha, ang wild ‘no?

BEN: Hindi ko talaga maintindihan.

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ALEX: Ganito. You keep saying that you saw me sa piano room, kasama ng

dad mo?

BEN: Nakita nga kita.

ALEX: What I’m telling you is that the 14-year-old you saw might be from a

parallel universe, because I don’t remember any of the shit you’re

talking about.

BEN: Anong ibig mong sabihin?

ALEX: What the fuck, man? I-Tagalog ko ba?

BEN: Explain mo lang ng maayos.

ALEX: (interrupts) There is a universe where Mike was molested, a universe

where you were molested, a universe were no one was molested.

These are different versions of the same reality.

(a beat) But, if it’s possible for parallel universes to converge, we may

have memories of events that didn’t happen; like your memory of that

piano room.

(a beat) Because, like I said kanina, I don’t remember any of that shit.

BEN: Okay.

ALEX: Okay.

24 of 37
 Mahabang katahimikan.

BEN: Pero, Lex, I do remember that shit and I have to write about it.

ALEX: They’re not going to publish that.

BEN: It’s the right thing to do. Kailangan kong magsulat tungkol kay Mike.

ALEX: Do you think Mike wants you to write about him?

BEN: (iiling) Hindi tama e. Ang daming nasaktan, tapos ‘yung mga taong

‘yun mababasa kung saan-saan kung gaano s’ya kaimportante at ka-

inspirational—

ALEX: Schrödinger's Cat!

BEN: Tapos ‘yung mukha n’ya lilitaw sa mga social media nila, tapos

sasabihin ng mga tao ang dami n’yang kontribusyon sa mga buhay

nila. Dapat maging national artist din siya—

ALEX: (interrupts) Ben!

BEN: Ano?

ALEX: Alam mo ba ‘yung Shrödinger’s Cat?

BEN: Oo. ‘Yun ‘yung pusang patay at buhay at the same time, ‘di ba?

ALEX: Yes! Sometimes I use that as a thought experiment.

25 of 37
 (saglit) Imagine mo Shrödinger’s Cat, pero instead of a cat, it’s Mike.

BEN: Ano, Shrödinger’s Mike?

ALEX: We were not in that room. We don’t know what happened to Mike.

And as long as we’re not sure, everything we know about Mike is in

fucking limbo; in a double-reality where, simultaneously, he was and

was not molested.

(saglit) I’m telling you, man. That’s where we are right now. You and

me, we are in fucking limbo.

BEN: Bakit tayo nasa limbo?

ALEX: Nasa limbo tayo, because you don’t know what to fucking tell me, or

how to act towards me, because you don’t know whether it happened

to me as well.

(a beat) Once you’re sure, once you find out whether the cat is living

or dead, everything’s going to change. Right, Ben?

(a beat) What happens after? What? You’ll stop laughing at my jokes?

You’ll change your tone of voice to something that says, “I’m sorry

my dad molested you?”

Matatahimik si Ben.

ALEX: O? What’s wrong? Is this making you feel uncomfortable?

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 (saglit) Imagine that awkward shit right now; this weird tension, then

multiply it about a thousand times.

(saglit) That’s the bullshit they’re all going to feel. You’re going to

dump that shit on every single student your father had, and all their

loved ones. You’re going to drag all of them to fucking limbo.

(saglit) People are going to look at them, and they’re going to think,

“Was he molested too?”

BEN: So, natatakot ka na mag-speculate sila? I get that. I understand. Pero

we can prevent all that speculation by telling the truth ‘di ba?

(saglit) Sabihin mo na lang kasi sa’kin, p’re. Ano ba nangyari?

Matatawa si Alex.

ALEX: Okay. You win. Let’s pretend it happened. Let’s say that every single

fucking student your dad taught was molested. Ano magagawa ng

article mo tungkol d’un?

BEN: Justice, pare!

ALEX: (sarcastic) Justice, wow! (matatawa) Justice para kanino?

(saglit) What are they going to do? Are they going to dig up your

dad’s corpse and throw him in jail?

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 (saglit) He’s not the one going to suffer. The only people who are

going to be “punished” are the students and their loved ones.

Mapapahiya lang sila.

BEN: Bakit sila ‘yung mahihiya, e hindi naman sila ‘yung may kasalanan?

ALEX: That may be true in a perfect world! But we don’t live in a perfect

world. Hindi gan’on ka-simple ang mundo! Alam natin na hindi ang

biktima ang may kasalanan, but think about it:

(galit) Isipin mo idol ka ng anak mo; iniisip n’ya matapang ka o

matalino, then he finds out you were raped.

(saglit) How do you tell your wife and kids that you can protect them,

if you can’t even protect yourself?

(saglit) Putangina, pare, even women are ashamed to talk about abuse.

Then you want grown-ass men, men with kids, men with families, to

tell everyone they were molested? Are you crazy?

BEN: Pero paano si Mike?

ALEX: Patay na si Mike!

(saglit) And if Mike was alive right now, what do you think would

happen? He would probably go to a lawyer only to be told, “Sir, we’re

past the statute of limitations.”

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 (saglit) Or he’d tell a friend, tapos the friend would ask him, “Bakit ‘di

ka sumigaw, o lumaban, o nagsumbong? Bakit bumalik ka pa d’un

para sa next lesson?”

BEN: Gets ko ‘yun, p’re? Pero hindi ba importante na ilabas natin ‘to, para

malaman ng mga tao na nangyayari ‘tong shit na ‘to, at kailangan

natin tulungan ang mga biktima.

ALEX: Do you even understand what rape is?

BEN: No... Hindi ko pa siya naiintindihan...

Matagal na katahimikan.

BEN: Pero gusto kong maintindihan.

ALEX: Para saan? Para may isusulat ka sa article mo?

BEN: Para ano... Para...

(mag-iisip) Para alam ko kung saan ako lulugar!

ALEX: Sige, pag-usapan natin. Gusto mong maintindihan? Bigyan kitang

sample.

(saglit) When I was in college, I had a roomate sa dorm. We’ve been

roommates for a couple of semesters. He’s a nice guy. He even helped

me out with my Algebra homework.

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 (saglit) One day, he tells me that he likes me. Sabi ko agad, “Bro,

straight ako.” He took it well. No issue.

(saglit) But that night, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep because there’s

this fucking bullshit in my brain telling me that I should hookup with

my roomate – that I should allow him to have his way with me –

becase he was more “deserving” than my abuser.

(saglit) So, I went over to his bed, I woke him up, then I let him touch

me. After that, I just went back to bed; went to sleep. My roommate

and I never talked about it.

(saglit) It had nothing to do with desire, or intimacy, or romance.

There’s just this persistent nagging; a voice in my head telling me that

it was the right thing to do, becase my roomate deserved me more

than your dad did.

(saglit) That’s some twisted logic; There’s no logic, really. Kabobohan,

‘di ba? Ang tanga ko, ‘di ba? Paano mo isusulat ‘yung shit na ‘yan sa

article mo?

Matagal na katahimikan.

ALEX: Ben, while you’re hellbent on exposing your dad, I don’t think you

realize that it feels like you’re hellbent on exposing me.

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BEN: I’m sorry.

(a beat) Pakiramdam ko kasi kailangan kong gawin ‘to. Kailangan

kong gawin ‘to, kasi nahihiya ako.

Iinumin ni Ben ang vodka sa baso niya.

BEN: (iiling) Nahihiya ako na hindi ko siya kayang kamuhian!

(saglit) Kahit alam ko ang ginawa n’ya sa inyo, nirerespeto at

hinahangaan ko pa rin siya. Alam kong child molester siya, pero

mahal ko pa rin siya, putangina niya!

(saglit) Sinusubukan kong magalit, pero...

(saglit) Ganito. Hindi ko siya kayang kamuhian, pero ang ibang tao

kaya ‘yun, kaya gusto ko siyang ipahiya.

(saglit) Gusto kong burahin lahat ng magagandang alaala ng lahat ng

tao sa kan’ya, kasi hindi ko siya mapapatawad dahil tinuruan niya

kami ng nanay ko magmahal ng demonyo.

(saglit) Putangina, pare, demonyo ‘yung tatay ko. Pero bakit hindi ko

siya kayang kamuhian?

(matatawa sa sarili) Alam mo, p’re, bago ako pumunta dito,

kinailangan kong mag “mentally prepare” para maniwala sa kung

anumang sasabihin mo tungkol sa kan’ya.

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 (saglit) Pero alam ko sa sarili ko, ‘pag nakauwi na ‘ko, ‘pag mag-isa na

lang ako sa bahay, walang tigil ang utak ko sa paghahanap ng

palusot, ng dahilan, ng rason kung bakit wala siyang kasalanan.

(saglit) Gusto kong isulat kung gaano siya kasamang tao, para isang

araw, ‘pag paulit-ulit kong nabasa ang mga pinag-gagawa niya,

matutunan kong tanggapin na ang tatay na minahal ko, at ang

halimaw na nanakit sa inyo, ay iisang tao.

Matagal na katahimikan.

Lalagyan ni Alex ng vodka ang baso ni

Ben.

ALEX: (pabiro) Pare, kaibigan kita, pero tangina ang dami mong daddy

issues.

BEN: Gago!

ALEX: (matatawa) Tangina mo, ako ‘yung na-molest e. Ba’t ikaw ‘yung may

drama?

Ben chuckles and shakes his head.

ALEX: If you’re just going to do that to get back at your dead father, don’t do

it at all, man. Kahit ano pang ganda n’yang article mo, it’s going to

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 open wounds. These wounds cut deep, man, and the one thing you

should be doing is helping these victims heal.

A moment.

ALEX: It’s not easy for me to talk about this. This conversation, by itself,

summons bad memories, man.

A moment.

ALEX: I remember the worst part of it for me was was the tickling.

(saglit) He tickles them; the kids. Did you know that?

Iiling si Ben.

ALEX: Yeah. He tickles them. He does that so people at your house think that

he’s just playing with the kids.

(saglit) Until now, I’m afraid of that sound, man. Sometimes my

daughter would be playing in the other room, then I’d hear her

laughing. My first instinct is to run to her; to check if she’s okay, to

make sure no one’s there to hurt her.

(salit) Then I’d get fucking dizzy; I get vertigo or some shit, and I

struggle to breathe. Doc says it’s a panic attack.

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 (shakes his head) Think about it, man. I get panic attacks from my own

daughter’s laughter. How do you write about that without making

me look stupid?

Iinom si Alex ng shot ng vodka.

ALEX: ‘Pag sinulat mo ba ‘yang article mo, mawawala na lahat ‘yun?

Mahabang katahimikan.

ALEX: When I was young, I wanted to be brave. I wanted him to stop; I

wanted to be the hero. But I didn’t do shit.

(saglit) When I think about Mike, to this day, I felt so guilty, because I

knew that if I told someone – anyone – Mike would still be alive.

BEN: Wala kang kasalanan d’un, p’re. S’ya lahat ‘yun.

ALEX: But he’s gone. So, the shit I feel should be gone too, right?

(saglit) Do you know why I went to his funeral?

(saglit) I went to his funeral because I wanted to bury all this anger

and sadness with him. But the funeral’s over, man. Your dad’s six feet

under, but I’m still here, and I’m still fucked up, pare...

(matatawa) Maybe that’s why I like the fermata.

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 (a beat) I’m still hoping that I wake up one day and I look at the

mirror, and there’s a symbol that appears over my head to let me

know that I’m in control, and I can let go, and I can make it go away...

(saglit) But that’s not how these things work, man. It’s not there.

(saglit) And it doesn’t matter how many parallel universes I imagine,

the shit follows me around like a fucking shadow.

Mahabang katahimikan.

ALEX: I’m telling you, man. Whatever baggage you carry, that’s nothing.

Magaan ‘yan. Ilang taon na naming bitbit ang bagahe namin. Now,

it’s your turn. Putang ina, p’re, magbuhat ka rin.

(a beat) The only people who have a right to talk about this are your

dad’s victims.

BEN: Pero ano sasabihin ko sa kanila?

ALEX: Tell them that if they want to talk about what happened, you’ll listen.

If they don’t want to talk, that’s okay. You don’t have to get into it.

Tell them that you just want to make sure they’re okay. Putangina,

pare, just show them that you’re there.

(saglit) ‘Wag mo na itanong kung bakit walang nagsumbong, o kung

bakit walang sumigaw—

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 (saglit) Alam natin ang sagot d’un; simple lang ang sagot d’un.

(saglit) Pare, lalaki tayo! Lalaki! At iba ang panahon n’un.

(matatawa) I mean, how the fuck do you even begin to talk about this,

kung araw-araw sinasabihan ka ng tatay mo na babae lang ang

umiiyak, babae lang ang nagsusumbong, babae lang ang

ginagahasa—

BEN: (iiling) Hindi nga dapat gan’on, ‘tol. Hindi na dapat gan’on e.

ALEX: Hindi nga! I know! It should’nt be like that...

Alex takes a deep breath and takes the

vodka bottle.

ALEX: (lifts the vodka bottle and stares at it) Ito! Ito ang meron tayo. This is it.

Gusto mong umiyak? Heto! Gusto mong magsumbong? Heto!

(saglit) Ito lang ang puwede sa’tin noon. Ang babae, umiiyak; ang

lalaki, umiinom.

(shakes his head; scoffs) It’s such bullshit. It’s such bullshit, but we all

bought in. We all played along with the macho bullshit. Lahat tayo

nahirapan.

Matagal na katahimikan.

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ALEX: Ben, I’m going to have a son, man...

(saglit) I’m telling you, when he’s born, things are going to be different.

(nods; says the lines as if he’s trying to convince himself) Yeah. All of this

shit is going to change.

Matagal na katahimikan.

Lalapit si Ben at yayakapin si Alex.

Magyayakapan ang magkaibigan.

Dahan-dahang itutulak ni Alex si Ben.

Kukuha si Alex ng bote ng alak at

lalagyan ang isang baso. Iaabot niya

ang baso kay Ben.

ALEX: Shot mo na.

Kukunin ni Ben ang baso at tititigan

ang alak. Hihinga nang malalim si Ben

habang pinag-iisipan kung iinumin ang

alak. Kasabay nito ang pagdidilim ng

entablado.

TELON

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