Trust and How to Build Trust

Trust is a central part of all human relationships, including romantic partnerships, family life,
business operations, politics, and medical practices. If you don’t trust your doctor or
psychotherapist, for example, it is much harder to benefit from their professional advice.

But what is trust? Here are some possibilities:

1. Trust is a set of behaviors, such as acting in ways that depend on another.

2. Trust is a belief in a probability that a person will behave in certain ways.
3. Trust is an abstract mental attitude toward a proposition that someone is dependable.
4. Trust is a feeling of confidence and security that a partner cares.
5. Trust is a complex neural process that binds diverse representations into a semantic
pointer that includes emotions.
Behaviors and verbal expressions are certainly evidence for trust—for example, when someone
treats you well and says nice things to you—but these behaviors are merely evidence for the
internal mental state of trust that causes them, not the trust itself. Trusting people may involve
estimations of probabilities of how they will behave, but people usually trust others without any
understanding of probability or any precise predictions about their behaviors. Some philosophers
would say that trust is a propositional attitude, an abstract relation between an abstract self and
an abstract meaning of the sentence. But the nature of these selves, relations, and meanings is
utterly mysterious.

The psychological alternative that trust is a feeling of confidence and security is much more
plausible than behavioral, probabilistic, and philosophical views. But it leaves unspecified the
nature of this feeling. My forthcoming book, Mind-Society, proposes that trust is a brain process
that binds representations of self, other, situation, and emotion into a special pattern of neural
firing called a semantic pointer. Emotions like trust and love are neural patterns that combine
representations of the situation that the emotion is about, appraisals of the relevance of the
situation to goals, perceptions of physiological changes, and (sometimes) representations of the
self that is having the emotion.
1. Be true to your word and follow through with your actions

The point of building trust is for others to believe what you say. Keep in mind, however, that
building trust requires not only keeping the promises you make but also not making promises
you’re unable to keep.

Keeping your word shows others what you expect from them, and in turn, they’ll be more likely
to treat you with respect, developing further trust in the process.

2. Learn how to communicate effectively with others

Poor communication is a major reason why relationships break down. Good communication
includes being clear about what you have or have not committed to and what has been agreed
upon.

Building trust is not without risk. It involves allowing both you and others taking risks to prove
trustworthiness. To navigate this, effective communication is key. Without it, you may find the
messages you’ve intended to send aren’t the messages that are received.

3. Remind yourself that it takes time to build and earn trust

Building trust is a daily commitment. Don’t make the mistake of expecting too much too soon. In
order to build trust, first take small steps and take on small commitments and then, as trust
grows, you will be more at ease with making and accepting bigger commitments. Put trust in,
and you will generally get trust in return.

4. Take time to make decisions and think before acting too quickly

Only make commitments that you are happy to agree to. Have the courage to say “no,” even
when it disappoints someone. If you agree to something and can’t follow through, everyone
involved is worse off.

Be clear about what you have on your plate and keep track of your commitments. Being
organized is a necessary part of building trust with family, friends, and colleagues. It enables you
to make a clear decision as to whether to agree to requests of your time and energy.

5. Value the relationships that you have—and don’t take them for granted

Trust often results from consistency. We tend to have the most trust in people who are there for
us consistently through good times and bad. Regularly showing someone that you’re there for
them is an effective way to build trust.

6. Develop your team skills and participate openly

When you take an active role in a team and make contributions, people are more likely to respect
and trust you. It’s also imperative when building trust in a team to show your willingness to trust
others.

Being open and willing to make contributions and to engage demonstrates this. In other words,
take what others say into consideration, show that you are listening actively, suggest your
thoughts and feedback in a respectful way, and demonstrate that you are willing to be part of the
team.

7. Always be honest

The message you convey should always, always be the truth. If you are caught telling a lie, no
matter how small, your trustworthiness will be diminished.

8. Help people whenever you can

Helping another person, even if it provides no benefit to you, builds trust. Authentic kindness
helps to build trust.

9. Don’t hide your feelings

Being open about your emotions is often an effective way to build trust. Furthermore, if people
know that you care, they are more likely to trust you.

Emotional intelligence plays a role in building trust. Acknowledging your feelings, learning the
lessons that prevail, and taking productive action means that you won’t deny reality—this is the
key to building trust.

10. Don’t always self-promote

Acknowledgment and appreciation play an important role in building trust and maintaining good
relationships. Recognizing and appreciating the efforts of others shows your talent
for leadership and teamwork and increases the trust others have in you.

On the other hand, if people don’t demonstrate appreciation for a good deed, they appear selfish.
Selfishness destroys trust.

11. Always do what you believe to be right

Doing something purely for approval means sacrificing your own values and beliefs. This
decreases trust in yourself, your values, and your beliefs. Always doing what you believe is right,
even when others disagree, will lead others to respect your honesty.

Interestingly, when building trust, you must be willing to upset others on occasion. People tend
not to trust those who simply say whatever they think others want to hear.
12. Admit your mistakes

When you attempt to hide your mistakes, people know that you are being dishonest. By being
open, you show your vulnerable side, and this helps build trust with other people.

This is because they perceive you to be more like them—everyone makes mistakes. If you
pretend that you never make mistakes, you’ll make it difficult for others to trust you because you
have created an unnecessary difference between the two of you. When all that a person sees is
the “perfection” you project, they likely won’t trust you.

How to Develop Self-Trust

The fact of the matter is that you can never count on another person 100% of the time. However,
there is one person we know that we can count on: ourselves. As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
said,

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live” (Fahkry, 2016).
Self-trust is an important concept, as possessing it enables you to protect your own needs and
safety (Tartakovsky, 2018). It allows you to have faith that you will make it through challenging
situations and allows you to practice kindness toward yourself rather than pursuing perfection.

Self-trust includes having an awareness of your thoughts and feelings and being able to express
them (Tartakovsky, 2018). To gain self-trust, honor your emotions and avoid relying on the
opinions of others (Fahkry, 2016). This allows you to develop trust in your own ability to handle
whatever arises. Self-trust is acquired by nurturing our deepest thoughts (Fahkry, 2016).

Self-trust also includes living according to your own standards and ethics and knowing when to
put your own needs firsts. Having self-trust requires knowing that you can endure mistakes. Self-
trust also enables you to pursue what it is that you want.

Avoid people who undermine your self-trust. Often, these people use you, and don’t want you to
succeed (Tartakovsky, 2018). Although as children we often cannot control the negative people
we have in our lives, as adults, we can certainly consider whether people support us and whether
we actually want them in our lives (Tartakovsky, 2018).

Keep promises to yourself. Honor the commitments you make yourself, whether it be pursuing
goals you set or following your dreams (Fahkry, 2016). An important part of this is making
promises to yourself and keeping them (Tartakovsky, 2018).

One example of such a commitment is creating and sustaining a personal boundary. Or, go to bed
earlier, or visit the doctor for a check-up (Tartakovsky, 2018). Building self-trust also includes
becoming your own best friend.

Speak kindly to yourself. Everyone has a harsh inner critic, which sometimes takes the voice of a
parent or a teacher from your past who made you think you weren’t good enough. However, you
can reduce or eliminate the habit of listening to your inner critic. Try being more kind to
yourself.

For example, if you make a mistake, you may immediately think, “I’m so stupid!” Instead, try
saying to yourself, “That’s okay. It was just a minor error.” Showing yourself compassion when
you make a mistake enables you to show a greater understanding of others when they make
mistakes (Tartakovsky, 2018).

Self-trust is not about perfection—you must have faith in your own capacity to overcome a slip-
up or failure. Self-trust is nurtured through us connecting with our emotional well-being and
paying attention to any disturbances we may notice (Fahkry, 2016).

Check in with yourself. Ask yourself, “How am I doing?” Find out what is going on inside
yourself rather than simply dismissing an emotional disturbance (Fahkry, 2016).

In other words, be mindful of your inner experiences (Fahkry, 2016). Self-trust develops when
we honor our whole selves, regardless of whether or not we approve of certain aspects of
ourselves.