THE LAST BLOCKBUSTER

by

JOHN VARINA

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

CHARACTERS
BERT SHUBERT 49, M, owner of Blockbuster Video
LEIGH REVERE 26, F, deputy fire warden of Glenn County,
CA
ERIC SHMECKER 37, M, a doting customer

TIME
Peak fire season, the not so distant future.

PLACE
A Blockbuster Video in Elk Creek, CA. The last of its kind, the
store is a relic of the past. A checkout counter is flanked by
rows of Blu-Rays, DVDs and VHS tapes. An occasional movie
poster covers cracks and peeling paint on the walls. An
outdated radio plays the local news station, reporting on the
wildfires that have been raging the county for days.

NOTE
Symbol / indicates when the proceeding line starts, creating
dialogue overlap.

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

Lights up on BERT, who stands at the store’s entrance gazing
outside. The sky is hazy with smoke; we hear sounds of distant
fire engines. Bert is scared, yet resolute. ERIC quietly peruses
the racks before picking up an old dusty VHS.

ERIC: How apropos...

BERT: Oh, wow. Quite the classic. Ron Howard at the helm.
Kurt Russell at his best! Billy Baldwin...

ERIC: Mmm.

BERT: Mmm. Here’s a little trivia for ya: can you name the
second highest-grossing domestic film with a firefighter as the
protagonist? U.S. produced...

Eric’s smiles, plays along, holding up the VHS in his hand.

BERT (cont.): You got it...Backdraft.

ERIC: Get OUT of here! Backdraft?

BERT: Backdraft.

ERIC: Mmm.

BERT: Mm-hmm. Yup, held the record from ‘91 to ‘07. Then I
Pronounce You Chuck & Larry came along-

ERIC: Dennis Dugan.

BERT: -and that brought in $180+ worldwide. Big bucks. Big

bucks right there.

ERIC: You got that right.

BERT: BIG hit. Big hit.

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

ERIC: Okay, BUT...did you know that Chuck & Larry also
brought home eight Razzies?

BERT: (Pleased) Oh, here you go with the Razzies again...

ERIC: Ah! I love a film like that.

BERT: I know, I know... “The / best of the worst.”

ERIC: /BEST of the worst! A film that bombed so hard, so

shamelessly. Because they’re not necessarily unenjoyable.
Well, to me, I mean, I get some enjoyment out of it. A guilty
pleasure I guess!

BERT: Well, we all have those now, don’t we?

A tense silence. Eric moves towards Bert.

ERIC: Oh? What’s your guilty pleasure, Bert?

A fire truck ZOOMS past the store outside, the sirens

SCREAMING. Bert looks around, takes in the store.

BERT: I’ve had quite the run here, Eric. Nearly 30 years.
My first job. My only job. Shelf clerk, to cashier, to
assistant manager, to MANAGER, until FINALLY...finally, I saved
enough wages to buy the franchise.

ERIC: The American Dream.

BERT: To have this kingdom in my palm? This utopia of

cinematic glory? I would do it right! Finally! Customer
appreciation night! Late fees? Never! Free popcorn for the
kids? You got it! NC-17 films? Not on my watch!

Eric swoons.

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

BERT (cont.): And you’ve been here all along, Eric. My most
loyal customer. 1131 rentals. I wouldn’t be here without you.
So…
BERT walks over to one of the racks and reveals a hidden
top-row of the rack. It’s lined with dozens of VHS tapes,
all notated. An elegant sign reads The Razzie Reserve
Collection.

BERT (cont.): I present The Razzie Reserve Collection. My top

50 personal choice picks among all the venerable films that have
taken home the award. In chronological order. With notations.

ERIC is captivated, examining the collection with boyish

wonder.

ERIC: Wow! Howard The Duck...Return to the Blue

Lagoon...(gasp) From Justin to Kelly?!?

BERT: A personal fav of yours, if I recall...

ERIC: It’s impeccable, Bert.

BERT: It is. And it’s all yours. Blockbuster Video thanks

you for your patronage.

Bert goes in to hug Eric. They embrace. A tense moment.

Will they kiss...?

The front-door SWINGS OPEN and in walks LEIGH REVERE,

disrupting the moment. Donning her fire marshall uniform,
she’s here on a mission, holding a cell phone in
mid-call. Bert hasn’t fielded a new customer in years.

BERT (cont.): Welcome, Welcome! How can I help you?

LEIGH: Are you the owner?

BERT: I sure am. What can-

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

LEIGH: (into cell phone) Yeah dispatch, confirming a 10-97 on
Elk Creek Road...Ah, I can’t be sure. I’m at what appears to be
a Blockbuster Video...You heard right...Yes, I am standing
inside an actual Blockbuster Video...Yeah, it’s
stocked...Affirmative...two of ‘em here...Yes they’re alive... I
don’t know. (to Bert) Are you homeless?

BERT: No-

ERIC: NO, we’re not homeless and I don’t get-

LEIGH: (into phone) Looks like I’ve actually found the last
Blockbuster in the country. I’ll keep you posted. (To Bert)
Sir, sorry to break up your...whatever this is...but-

BERT: Actually, I just have to correct you there. As much

as I’d like to not correct you, this technically is the last
Blockbuster Video in the contiguous 48 states.

ERIC: That’s right!

LEIGH: Is that so.

BERT: Mmm-hm. I’ve heard about another franchise left up in

Alaska somewhere, in the tundra. Maybe Nome. But so far no one
can quite prove that.

ERIC: Mmhmm!

LEIGH: Well, you might want to head up north then if you want
to keep your job.

BERT: How’s that?

LEIGH: I’m here to warn you and everyone who hasn’t already
evacuated that it’s time to get out of Dodge.

BERT: Well is the blaze headed right this way?

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

LEIGH: They’ve had it held at a fire line 12 miles west but
we’re not taking any chances. Orders are a mandatory evacuation
of the entire county.

BERT: Mandatory evacuation?

LEIGH: Afraid so.

BERT: Well what am I supposed to do, just leave everything

behind and hope for the best?

ERIC: Yeah, what are we supposed to do?

LEIGH: You can do whatever you want. Stay, go; I really

don’t care. But if you stay, you’re on your own. And if you
value your life at all, you better pack up. Better safe than
sorry.

BERT: Pack up? Oh my God.

Bert begins to hyperventilate, finds a seat near the

counter.

ERIC: Bert? Are you okay? BERT?

BERT: (to Leigh, struggling) I...you...all I...

ERIC: BERT!

LEIGH: Out of the way, out of the way.

Leigh grabs a paper bag from the counter, holds it up to

Bert’s mouth.

LEIGH (cont.): Listen to me, sir. I want you to take deep

breaths. Okay, deep breaths. That’s great. Okay. Now, two
things. One: you understand that you need to evacuate the area.
Can you confirm that?

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

 Bert nods.

LEIGH (cont.): Terrific. And two, if you could just point me

towards any ‘Brat Pack’ tapes you have, I’ll be on my way.

ERIC: Rat Pack?!? I don’t know HOW you can JOKE at a time
like THIS!!!

BERT: (dismissing Eric) Back rack...bottom row...

Leigh goes to the rack.

LEIGH: I tell you, I really thought I was hallucinating when

I saw that huge blue sign emerge through the smoke. By the
looks of you two, I still think I might be. But I don’t care,
because you have NO idea how much my girlfriend loves Molly
Ringwald. Got a little “red head” thing lately...

Leigh grabs a few VHS tapes, heads towards the counter.

LEIGH (cont.) So my advice to you both is to do the same. Grab

a few choice flicks, head towards safer pastures. (to Bert)
You take Venmo?

ERIC: Um, excuse me. I’ll need to see your membership card,
please.

BERT: Just take them, just take them. I can’t believe this
is happening. What am I going to do?

LEIGH: Well, you have insurance right?

Bert nods.

LEIGH (cont.): I can’t imagine you’re raking in the big bucks

any longer, right?

Bert shakes his head.

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

LEIGH (cont.): So you stand to make out with the insurance
money. Right? You can start anew. Hell, you could even invest
in one of the new VR streaming services, man. It’s the future!

Bert crumples at this thought. He is in turmoil.

LEIGH (cont.): Why are you holding on to this place? Sentiment?

You can watch every single title here on Netflix or Amazon.

ERIC: Oh, right. EVERY single title? (to Bert) Don’t

listen to her, Bert. People NEED this experience. It’s
palpable! Palpable! I’ll stay here with you, no matter what
happens. We’ll face it all TOGETHER!

Three SHARP SIRENS ring off in succession. A sign.

ERIC: Oh my God, what is it?

LEIGH: That’s a Code Red.

ERIC: Code Red? Oh my God!

LEIGH: Pipe down! Fire jumped the line. No containment. (to

Bert) Sir, it’s headed right this way. I need to leave right
now, and so do you two. It’s GO TIME!

Leigh rushes out the door. Bert rises w/ renewed strength.

BERT: We have no choice. I have to let it go.

Eric stands there helplessly, emotional.

ERIC: No, no, no. Bert!

BERT: I know, Eric. I know. I’ve held on for far too long.
A sad attachment to my youth. Going to rent a new release on a
Friday night after a long week. It’s over. It’s been over.
But, we won’t go down without a fight.

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina

 Bert presses the play button on the old radio, starting the
CD player. The theme from Backdraft plays.

ERIC: (Overcome) Backdraft...

BERT: (nodding) Backdraft.

They kiss.

They take a last look around as the SIRENS intensify.

They head for the door. As they’re about to leave, Bert

stops, heads back to the racks.

ERIC: Oh, Bert.

BERT: The Razzie Reserves.

ERIC: The Razzie Reserves.

Bert rolls the rack out of the store as they leave.

END.

Copyright @ 2019 John Varina