Withnail and I

Written by Bruce Robinson

Adapted by Holly Allen
Withnail to take place in main house.

LX 1 - Preset
VT BLACK - Preset Blackout

LX 2 - House Clearance

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 Withnail and I – Written and directed for film by Bruce Robinson. Adapted for stage
by Holly Allen

Withnail: Ashley Lucas I: Jack Lawton Multirole: Max Hallam

SND 1 - Start when ready
SCENE 1: Withnail, I.
LX 2.5 - 5/10s After SND 1
Opening song; (UNDECIDED), stage gets set up in view of audience. I runs onto the stage
and flops onto a chair early on, after a certain point, he stands and starts to stare at his
thumbs. The stage continues to be set. All the while I is on stage looking at his thumbs in
horror. Once the stage is set Withnail enters. Walks past I. Stops.
SND 2 - Fade out 2 beats
Withnail: I have some extremely distressing news. after LX Complete

I: I don’t want to hear, it I don’t want to hear anything. Oh God, it’s a nightmare out there I
tell you! It’s a nightmare.

Withnail: We’ve just ran out of wine, what are we going to do about it? Why don’t you sit
down for Christ’s sake.

I: I don’t know. My thumbs have gone weird. (Still transfixed). I must be in the middle of a
bloody overdose! (Looks in terror at Withnail) My heart beating like a fucked clock. I feel
dreadful, a feel really dreadful.

Withnail: (calmly) So do I, so does everybody. Just get some sugar in you.

Pause. I gets a bowl of “soup”.

Withnail: Look at him, look at Jeff Wode. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own.
Imagine the size of his balls! Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker.

I: Please I don’t feel good.

Withnail: That’s what you’d say, but that would wash with Jeff. He’d like a bit of spice to it!
He’d like a bit of pleading. “I’m going to pull your head off” – “no please don’t pull my head
off-..” “I’m going to pull your head of because I don’t like your head…”

I shrugs, clearly very cold. Holding a bowl and spoon.

Withnail, has a realisation. He looks at I.

Withnail: Soup? Have you got soup? Why didn’t I get any soup?

I: Its coffee.

Withnail: Why the hell don’t you drink it out of a cup like any other human being?

I: Why don’t you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail: (mortally offended) How dare you? How dare you call me inhumane?

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I: I didn’t, you merely imagined it. Calm down.

Withnail: Right. That’s it. I’m going to do the washing up.

I: (genuine panic) No. No you can’t, its not possible. I’ve looked into it. Listen, listen to me!
There are things in there! There’s a teabag growing! You haven’t slept in sixty hours you’re
in no state to tackle it. Wait til the morning, we’ll go in together.

Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!

I: (grabs Withnail) No you don’t understand!! I think there’s something living in there,
something that’s alive.

Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?

I: It’s possible, its possible.

Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!

They burst off the front of the stage and look at the audience as if they are the kitchen.

Withnail: Oh Christ almighty. Jesus. (To I, pushing him back whilst still transfixed) Keep
back! The entire sinks gone rotten. I don’t know what’s in here... (grabs kettle) Screams in
pain.

I: I told you, I told you! You’ve been bitten!

Withnail: Burnt,burnt, the fucking kettles on fire!

I: (In horror) There’s something floating up….

Withnail: FORK IT! (Pulls fork from pocket)

I: I don’t want to touch …

Withnail: You must!! The mould will set in, we’ll never be able to use the dinner service
again! (rummages) Get it with the pliers!

I: No, no, the (flaps his hands)

Withnail produces one marigold glove

Withnail: Yes! Yes, don the gloves, don’t attempt anything without the gloves. (Pause) What
is it? What have you found?

I: Matter….

Withnail: Matter? What is it?

I: I, I don’t know, don’t look at it I’m dealing with it.

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Withnail: (wandering to the front of the stage) I think we’ve been in here too long…I fell
unusual… I think we should go outside…..Look at me I’m thirty in a month and there’s a
sole falling off my shoe.

I: It’ll get better, it has to.

Withnail: Easy for you to say lovey you’ve had an audition. STND - LX 3, SND 2.5, LX 4

I: You know what we should do? (Pause, no response from Withnail). I said, you know what
we should do…

Withnail: How should I possibly know what we should do? (Pause) What should we do?

I: Get out of here for a while. Get to the countryside or something, rejuvenate.

Withnail: (Scoffs) Rejuvenate. I’m in a safe little room and I’m practically dead. What
good’s the countryside? What time is it? (Mumbles about nature and the danger of trees)

I: (Long pause, looks at watch) Nearly eight.

Withnail: Nearly four hours til opening time. God help us. (Pause, sudden inspiration) We
got any of that… (searching for name) lubrication, warm…

I: What for?

Withnail: To rub on us you fool.

I: Deep Heat?

Withnail: Yes! We can rub ourselves in deep heat and cling to the radiator, keep ourselves
alive til twelve. I’m definitely ill. (He exits, presumably to search for deep heat) LX 3 - Fade to Sofa
SND 2.5 - When Sat
I: (curls up on the seat, begins to write in diary. Over the speakers his speech is played.
Lights slowly dim around him until only a soft glow remains).

Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. And for once I’m inclined to believe
that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting in to the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy
of our own future. What we need is harmony, fresh air, stuff like that. LX 4 - Return after VO

(Withnail enter, smothered in Deep Heat, holding an empty tube. Wearing pants and an
overcoat. Throws tube at I).

Withnail: There wasn’t much left in the tube. There isn’t any left for you.

I: Why don’t you ask your father for some money, then we could go away.

Withnail: (Ignores I but for a withering look). Why is it so cold in here, it’s like Greenland in
here! (put on one marigold glove and searches for the other whilst talking). We must get
some booze. We can’t go on like this (brandishes glove). I am a trained actor, reduced to this!

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Ignored by reasonable members of society, look at us! No television, no phone! Much more
of this and I’m going to apply for meals on wheels.

I: (as if repeating self) what happened to your cigar advertisement?

Withnail: That’s what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial?! What
happened to my agent? Selfish bastard must of died. (Pause, look). Have you been at the
controls?

I: (confused look)

Withnail: THE THERMOSTATS. What have you done to them?

I: I haven’t touched them.

Withnail: Then why has my head gone numb? I need some booze. I demand to have some
booze! (looks around wildly. Settles on lighter fuel and begins to open). STND - LX 5, LX 6

I: (gets up) I wouldn’t drink that is I were you.

Withnail: Why not?

I: Even the wankers out there wouldn’t drink that, its worse than meths!

Withnail: Nonsense this is a far superior drink! The wankers only leave this because they
can’t afford it, this is the good stuff. (downs it, cringes, gags but keeps it down). We got
anymore?

I: (shakes head)

Withnail: (advancing) Liar, what’s in your toolbox (no response). Liar, you’ve got
antifreeze!

I: (stops him and gets serious) You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks! LX 5 - End of Line

(Withnail pauses, laughs manically and collapses. The lights go down and we hear STND - LX 7,
SND 3
wrenching)

SCENE 2: Withnail, I, Pub goer. LX 6 - When actors

at top of stairs
Withnail and I walk down the stairs in the audience to the stage.

Withnail: Okay, here’s the plan. We get in there, get wrecked. Maybe have a pork pie. We’ll
miss out Monday but come up laughing Tuesday morning. What’s that appalling smell? (onto
stage. Walks past a table/ audience member and sneakily swipes two drinks) LX 7 - When Actors
reaches stage
I: Essence of petunia, I had to scrub my boots.
SND 3 with LX 7
I: You know what’s his name?

Withnail: What about him?

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I: Why don’t you give him a call,

Withnail: What for?

I: Ask him about his house?

Withnail: You want me to call what’s his name and ask him about his house?
STND - LX 8, VT 1, SND 5
I: Why not?

Withnail: Okay, what’s his number?

I: I’ve no idea, I’ve never met him…

Withnail: Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?

I: Your relative! The one who lives in the country.

Withnail: Monty! Uncle Monty.

I: Yeah. We could fix the car up spend the week in the country.

Withnail: Okay, give me some change and I’ll ring him.

I: Right. I’m going for a slash. (walks to the stage left, past another patron)
LX 8 - When he Hits Mark
Pub man: Ponce SND 5 - When in light
I gets to the bathroom. V.O. again, same dimming lights. VT 1 - Auto

I: I could hardly piss straight with fear. A man with barley half an ounce of brain who’s taken
a dislike to me. How have I offended him? I don’t make a habit of offending people. I’ve
unconsciously offended him. And he defiantly has a hormone imbalance in him. Get anymore
masculine you’d have to live up a tree. I fuck arses? Who fucks arses? Maybe he fucks arses.
Maybe he wrote this is a moment of drunken sincerity. I’m in considerable danger. I must get
out of here at once.
LX 9 - End of VO
Lights return to normal. I walks back across the stage. VT 1.5 - With LX 9

Pub man: Perfumed ponce!

I: (Forced smile)

Withnail: We’re in luck, Monty invited us for drinks.

I: Balls to Monty, we’re leaving.

Withnail: Balls to Monty?!

I: That gentleman doesn’t like the perfume. We’re in danger we’ve got to get out, don’t look!
He called me a ponce.

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Withnail: (bolshie) What fucker said that?! STND - LX 10, LX 11, LX 12

Pub man: I called him a ponce, and now I’m calling you one.

Withnail: ….would you like a drink?

Pub man: What the fucks your name?

Withnail:….I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it’s murder.

Pub man: I’ll murder the pair of ya!!

Withnail: My wife is having a baby…Listen I don’t know what my frie- acquaintance did to
upset you but its nothing to do with me. Why don’t you step outside and discuss it sensibly.
In the street. Outside. AHHHHH. (pushes past him and they both run offstage).
LX 10 - End Of Scene
SCENE 3 – Withnail, I, Danny

I is at the front of the stage, shaving. Withnail comes in with a bag of chips. There is a figure
sat on the set behind them unlit. He gives I a chip.
LX 11 - Start of Scene
I: Why are we having lunch in here?

Withnail: It’s dinner. And Danny’s here.

I: Danny? How did he get in?

LX 12 - Spoty
Withnail: I let him in. He’s lost one of his clogs. He’s come in the escape this perpetual cold.

They walk into the living room. Danny becomes lit.

Danny: Have you got any food?

I: I do as a matter of fact. (take sausage out of chip bag) Have a savloy.

Danny: How much do you want for it?

I: You can have it for nothing.

Danny: And I see you’re wearing a suit.

Withnail: What’s it got to do with you?

Danny: No need to get uptight mate. I was merely makin’ an observation. I happened to be
looking for a suit for the conman two weeks ago. For reasons I can’t really discuss with you.
The conman had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow. He goes into
court with his kaftan and belt. They can handle the kaftan, but they can’t handle the belt. And
the judge is sat there with this cape on like batman and this fucking hat.

Withnail: Wig?

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Danny: No man. This was more like a long white hat. So the judge looks at him and says
what’s all this, this ain’t fancy dress? And he looks at the judge and says, you think you look
normal your honour? Cunt gave him two years. I’m afraid I can’t offer you gentlemen
anything.

I: That’s alright Danny, we’ve decided to lay off for a bit.

Danny: I’m thinking of retiring and going into business.

Withnail: Doing what?

Danny: The toy industry.

Withnail: I thought you were in the bottle industry.

Danny: Nah man. That’s a side-line. You can have that. Instructions included. Yeah my
partner’s got a good idea for a doll. His name’s presuming Ed. His sister gave him the idea.
She got a doll what pisses itself for Christmas, you gotta change its draws. It’s horrible really
but they like that the little girls. So we’re gonna make one what shits itself as well.

Withnail: Shit’s itself?

Danny: Yeah he’s an expert. He’s building the prototype now. Why’s he so uptight?

Withnail: Because a gang of stupid venders saw a haircut as beyond my capabilities.

Danny: I wouldn’t get a haircut if I were you mate. All hairdressers are in the employment of
the government, hair is your antennas, picks up information and transmits it from the cosmos.
That why bald headed men are so uptight.

Withnail: What a load of absolute twaddle.

Danny: Don’t be uptight with me mate, cos if you do I’ll have to give you a dose of
medicine. And if I spike you you’ll know you’ve been spoken to.

Withnail: You wouldn’t spike me you’re too tight. Besides there’s nothing invented I
couldn’t take.

Danny: If I medicine you you’d think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

Withnail: I could take double anything you could. STND - LX 13, LX 14, SND 6

Danny: (Removes glasses) Very foolish words mate.

I: He’s right Withnail look at him. He’s mechanism’s gone. He’s had more drugs than you’ve
had hot dinners.

Withnail: I’m not having this shagsack insulting me. Let him get him drugs out.

Danny take out a doll and pulls its head off, he take out a pill.

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Danny: This doll has voodoo properties. This things street name is the embalmer.

Withnail: Balls I’ll swallow it and run a mile.

Danny: Steady on mate, this has a value of two quid.

Withnail: Two quid! You’re out of your mind! You can stuff it up your arse for free and fuck
off while you’re doing it!

Danny: Alright, no need to insult me. I was leaving anyway. Have either of you got shoes?

Scene 4 Cuthouse
SCENE 4 -Montys

Is this scene needed? Thoughts? To be discussed on Monday 18/1 LX 13 - End of Scene

SCENE 5: Withnail, I LX 14 - In Brum Brum

Car, comprised of boxes. I is driving. Withnail is drinking.

I: Here give me the bottle.

Withnail: Ha, accident blackspot! Its not a blackspot or an accident! They’re throwing
themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this
hideousness! Throw yourself into the road darling, you haven’t got a chance! SND 6 - Fade Up

Pause for music and driving.

Withnail: At some point I want to stop and borrow a child.

I: (Confused look)

Withnail: To procure some uncontaminated urine! You tape a pipe to your…and fill a bottle
with the clean urine. You refuse anything but a urine test, and then when they want to test
your alcohol levels, you give a dose of unadulterated child’s piss! Danny’s a genius!

Driving sequence, light dim to a spot to indicate headlights. Withnail is asleep. They brake
hard. Withnail awakes.

Withnail: Are we there?

I: No were fucking here. And we’re in a bloody gale. You’ll have to keep a look out your
side, let me know if you see anything! Look at the map.

Withnail: Where’s the whiskey? STND - SND 7, LX 15

I: Why?

Withnail: I’ve got a bastard behind my eyes, where’s the aspirin? I can’t take aspirin without
a drink.

I: They’re probably in the bathroom at home. Does anything look familiar?

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Withnail: How should I know? I feel like a pig shat in my head. If I don’t have aspirin I shall
die! SND 7 - Fade out

They pull up. Look at each other. Move to other side of stage, lights go down on other half as
the car is removed. They stand in one small spot. LX 15 - Not in Brum Brum
STND - LX 16
Withnail: Christ almighty (he sits)

I: What are you doing?

Withnail: I’m enjoying my holiday.

I: Right we’re going to have to approach this scientifically. We split into two groups, I’ll look
for food and water, you find some fuel for that fire.

Withnail promptly grabs a chair and smashes it.

Withnail: Well we’ve got enough furniture for tonight. LX 16 - End Of Scene
STND - LX 17, LX 18
SCENE 6: Withnail, I, Farmer
LX 17 - Start of Scene
I: (bashing things to make noise) Wake up you bastard! You need to get supplies!

Withnail: (wrapped in blanket) What the fuck happened to you?

I: I went to see that little pensioner. Miserable woman. I thought they’d all be out the back
making butter and drinking cider. But anyway the farmer’s on the mountain. Why he’s up
there fuck knows. And have a look in that shed! And if you can’t find anything bring in the
shed!

They begin to walk to the farm. LX 18 - As he goes outside

I: Why does your uncle own this godforsaken place?

Withnail: How should I know?

I: Don’t you know anything about your family?

Withnail: They don’t like my career. They don’t like me being on stage.

I: Oh well they must be delighted with your career.

Withnail: Why?

I: Well you rarely are.

Withnail goes to retort, but I points out the farmer. They run.

I: Stop, please!

Withnail: Are you the farmer?

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I: Shut up, I’ll handle thi-

Withnail: We’ve come on holiday by mistake. Please we need food, supplies. Are you the
farmer?

I: Stop saying that Withnail of course he’s the fucking farmer!! Please we’re friends of
Montague Withnail, we’re staying in the cottage, could you bring us some supplies.

Withnail: Please, we’re not from London!

Farmer: Aye. I can bring ye some wood up for ya fire.

Withnail: When?

I: Shut up!! Oh thank you that’s very kind. What about food? STND - LX 19

Farmer: I’ll follow you up. Ah I can bring you a chicken?

I: Oh thank you. What happened to your leg?

Farmer: Got a randy bull up there. I’ll follow you up.

Move to other side of stage. Withnail is sat.

LX 19 - Return
I: (calling) Well he brought us the chicken. (Chicken sounds are heard from offstage). SND - Chicken

Withnail: What we supposed to do with that?

I: Eat it.

Withnail: Eat it? The fuckers still alive!

I: You need to kill it! I got the wood in.

Withnail: How do we make it die?

I: Strangle it instantly, before it tries to make friends with us.

Withnail: Alright, you hold it down, I’ll squash its throat in.

I: I can’t, its dreadful beady eyes. I feel bad.

Withnail: I don’t, I’m hungry. Alright, I’ll kill it, but you’ll have to get its guts out.

They both exit. Sounds of struggles. Withnail enters looking shell shocked, lights a cigarette.
Sounds of chicken noises and lighting to simulate flashbacks. I enters with plucked chicken.

Withnail: Shouldn’t it be more bald than that? STND - LX 21

I: No it shouldn’t. We’re going to have to reverse the rules. (Grabs kettle and tries to stuff
chicken in) If we can bake potatoes in the oven, we can boil this bastard.

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Withnail: Shouldn’t we take it feet off?

I: (lightbulb moment) No…It’s gonna need it’s feet.

Goes to “oven” at back of stage. Lighting indicates this. Sits chicken on pedestal. The pair
look at each other; proud. LX 21 - End of Scene
LX 22 - Start of Scene
SCENE 7 – Withnail, I, Cow

The pair walk on, I carrying a shopping bag full of food, vegetables etc.

Withnail: What do you think of Desmond the Wolf?

I: In respect of what?

Withnail: I’m thinking of changing my name.

I: It’s too like Donald Wolvey.

They spot farmer.

Withnail: Do you think the farmer’s happier than us?

I: No.

V.O from offstage of the farmer:

Hey! Hey, shut that gate! Shut that gate!

I: You didn’t shut the gate!

Cow appears from off stage. Very unintimidating glove puppet. The pair are terrified.
Withnail pushes shopping back onto eye and vaults off stage.

Withnail: Grab its ring! Keep the bag up! No, show no fear! Just run at it!

I: Well that can’t be sensible can it! The bastard’s about to run at me! STND - LX 23

Withnail: Well he’s randy!

I: Yes I know he is!

Withnail: He wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.

I: Shut up Withnail!

Withnail: Run at it shouting. Well start shouting! It won’t gore you!

I: A coward you are Withnail, an expert on bulls you are not!!

I takes a deep breath and begins screaming at the cow. They run at each other in a to be
created short movement sequence. This results in the cow running off stage.

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 LX 23 - End of Scene
Withnail: I think an evening at the crown!
STND - LX 24
SCENE 8 - Withnail, I, Eel seller (Jake) LX 24 - Start of Scene
V.O. I: SND 8 - VO With LX 24

If the crowned crown ever had life it was dead now. It was like walking into a long. A self-
stained, nicotine yellow lung. It’s landlord was a retired military alcoholic, with the
completion of a the inside teapot. By the time the doors opened, he was arseholed on rum,
and became progressively more arseholed until he could take no more and fell over about
twelve o’clock. LX 25 - Full Stage

Withnail and I are sat in chairs, making general small talk. Enter a large man, who pulls an
eel from his trousers. He bashes the eel on the table he is sitting at, and returns it to his
trousers.

Withnail and I look at each other and nod. Withnail begins to talk in a loud voice so as to be
overheard.

Withnail: Yes, before I became a journalist I was in the territorials.

I: What brings you up here then?

Withnail: We’re doing a feature for country life. Survey of rural types. You know, farmers,
travelling sellers (pauses and unsubtly looks over) milkman that sort of thing.

No reaction from the man.

I: Well, just ask him if we can have one.

They go across.

Withnail: Excuse me, could we have an eel? You’ve got eels down your leg.

Jake: You leave that alone. Nothing down there of interest to you. (He gets a large bird out
of coat and places it on table).

I: Ask him for a pheasant.

Withnail: Excuse me, could we purchase a pheasant off you.

Jake: I haven’t got any to sell.

Withnail: Of course you have you’re the poacher!

Jake: These are for my pot. What makes you think I’ll give you something for your pot?

Withnail: What pot?

I: Our cooking pot!

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Jake: Aye, he knows. Give is a wheeze on that fag. I might come and see you lads in the
week. Might bring you a rabbit. STND - LX 26, LX 27, LX
28, VT 2, LX 29
Withnail: We don’t want a rabbit we want a pheasant!

Jake: Listen you young prat I aint got no pheasant. Aint got no birds.

Withnail: Of course you have you’re the-

Jake: Listen lad. If I hear more words out of you, I’ll put one of these eels on you.

Withnail: Don’t threaten me with a dead fish!

Jake: Half dead he may be, but I’ll come up after ye, and I’ll wake you up with a live one.

Withnail: Sod you’re pheasants! You’ll have to find us first! (starts to walk away).

Jake: I know where you are, at Crow Creg!

They both freeze and turn.

Jake: I been watching you, especially you (Withnail) Prancing like a tit! You want working
on boy! LX 26 - Blackout
LX 27 - Start of Scene
SCENE 9 – Withnail, I

The pair are walking through audience again one on each side of the audience on either
staircase, back from pub. Withnail is furious.

Withnail: If I see that sinus heap hanging about up here, I’ll take the bastard axe to him!!
Bastard! You’ll suffer! I’ll show the lot of you (they reach the top of the staircase) I’m going
to be a star! And vegetables again, no. (Spotlight) I want somethings flesh. LX 28 - Blackout
VT 2 - On LX Complete
SCENE 10 – Withnail, I, Monty
LX 29 - Start of Scene
A projection plays of a pre-recorded scene of the pair trying to shoot fish in the river. The
film finishes, and they start to walk back, wet. Withnail spots something near house (Jake).
STND - LX 30
Withnail: Stop, get down. Its him what does he want?

I: You’d better get down there and ask him.

Withnail: Don’t be a fool, he’s psychotic, you’ve only got to look at him. He’s got a gun for
Christ sake.

The two begin to advance, the other side of the stage becomes lit to indicate they are home.
Withnail is piling furniture in front of the door area.

Withnail: Well this has become impossible. Perpetual rain, freezing cold, and now there’s a
bloody madman on the prowl outside with eels. LX 30 - Indoors
STND - SND 9, LX 31.5

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I: Alright you’ve made your point. We pack up and we get out tomorrow. I’m going out for a
slash.

Withnail: No you’re not. You can’t. You’re not leaving me in here alone. These are the kind
of windows faces look in at. In both our interests I think we should sleep together tonight.

I: Don’t be ridiculous, he’s not going to come up here in the dark.

Withnail: Oh he is, if he catches one of us then he’s got a much better chance of dealing with
the other.

I: No! (walks away)

The lights dim so there is just a small glow around Withnail. He looks on edge, and then we
hear a bang. He grabs a gun which was before hidden, and runs over to stage right, where I
is lying in bed.
LX 31 - Bed Room
I: What do you want? STND - SND 9, LX 31.5
Withnail: Move over. (he gets in)

I: This is ridiculous. I’m going to go sleep in your bed.

Withnail: I’ll have to come with you.

I: Oh will you get out! (they both stand, and jump back into bed at the same time) Right, you
can stay, but the gun has to go.

Withnail: No! I have to keep the gun! I intend to remain awake til morning!

I: This is my bed I should have president!

They struggle for a moment, the gun goes off and debris falls down. SND 9 - Bang Bang

I: You fucking bastard! (grabs gun, throws it offstage, and storms across to other side of the
stage, where Withnail’s bedroom is). LX 31.5

The stage is quite for a moment, while I settles in bed. Then silently, Withnail creeps up to
him and places a hand over his mouth.

I: (muffled sounds) Oh fuck off!

Withnail: Shhh! Shh, listen!

I: There is nothing, get to bed!

Withnail: I heard a noise.

I: Oh for fucks sake.

Bang. They both freeze.

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I: What was that?

Withnail rises and look out into the audience as if looking out the window.

Withnail: There’s someone out there…

I: Maybe it’s the farmer?

Withnail: At two o’clock in the morning? It’s the man. He’s come to kill us. What are we
going to do? He wants to come in. He’s trying to get in.

I: He can’t! He’ll go away. He’s going away. STND - LX 31.7

They begin to calm down, when the sound of glass smashing is heard.

Withnail: He’s coming through the window. He’s getting in.

I: Quick, give me the matches.

Withnail: Downstairs. He’s in. He’s sharpening a pigging knife.

I: We’ll have to tackle him. You stay in bed, he’ll come in and go for you, when he does I’ll
jump on his back.

Withnail: No, it’ll be too late, I’ll be knifed by then. We’ll have to try and make friends with
him. (They hear creaks) He’s going to your room, it’s you he wants! Offer him yourself. (A
figure approaches, Withnail covers his eyes). We mean you no harm!

I: Oh, oh Monty! It’s Monty! LX 31.7

Monty: Oh dear boys, I’m sorry!

Withnail: (shoots up) Monty you terrible cunt!

Monty: Forgive me, it was inconsiderate of me not to have called.

Withnail: What are you doing prowling around in the middle of the fucking night?

Monty: I got a punctured tire, I had to wait an hour, I should have knocked. Erm, I’ll, I’ll
sleep in the other room.
LX 32 - End Of Scene
I: (Laughing with relief) Anywhere you like.
LX 33 - Start of Scene
SCENE 11 – Withnail, I, Monty STND - LX 34

Monty: (handing over money) Right, go and buys yourselves some wellingtons, I’ll go and
get you some shaving soap and razor. You look like a pair of farm hands! Meet you in half an
hour. (Exits)

Withnail: (waits until Monty is out of sight, gives I one of the notes) Right, drinks I think
don’t you?

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I: What about the wellingtons?

Withnail: Bollocks to the wellingtons, we’ll say there was a farmers conference on or
something. We’re going to have to be quick. (they head to the corner forward part of the
stage, take five shots each).

I: (notices the audience as new “shop”): Here we want to get in there don’t we, get some
cake. (They choose seats in the audience, their speech is addressed as if audience are
staff/other customers).

Withnail: Is here alright? (They pull out menus from under their seats, he points) We want
cake and tea. Are you the proprietor? We’re working on a film up here, location see. We were
planning to do a film in here…but now, cake and fine wine! We want the finest wines
available to humanity. We want them here and we want them now! LX 34 - Aud
STND - LX 35, LX 36
I: (amused) I expect they want to call the police. I’m warning you if you do, you’re fired. We
are multi-millionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately.

Withnail: Yes we’ll buy this place! And we’ll install a fucking jukebox, lighten you all up
abit.

I: We’re not drunk we’re multi-millionaires. Oh it’s alright, we’re going, our car is here!

Withnail: You can’t keep us here, we’re millionaires! We’ll be back, we’re coming back
here! LX 35 - End Of Scene
LX 36 - Start of Scene
SCENE 12 – Withnail, I, Monty

Back at the holiday home, sat in awkward silence around the table eating dinner.

Monty: (to I) It’s all your fault. You lead him astray.

I: I beg your pardon Monty.

Monty: Oh don’t tell me you’re not aware of it I know what you’re up to and so do you.

Withnail: Sherry?

Monty: Sherry? Oh dear no, no, I’ll be sucked into his trap. One of us has got to stay on
guard. He’s so mauve, we don’t know what he’s planning! I’m preparing to forgive you. You
shouldn’t treat each other so badly. (to Withnail) This poor boy is frozen to the marrow and
you sit in here drinking. You’re incapable of indulging in anything but pleasure. You don’t
deserve such loyalty. Isn’t it stimulating getting back to the basics for a while.

I: Yeah…

Monty: Surrounded by tree and nature one feels a glorious stirring of the senses. When I was
a lad I’d rocket off on my tandem with Ricklesworth, and we’d just ride and ride…

Withnail: (a toast) To a wonderful weekend in the country!

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I: You’re forgetting about Jake, aren’t you.

Monty: Not another word! Jake can wait too.

I: Jake isn’t a friend Monty. I’d hoped to avoid telling you this but there’s a psychotic on the
prowl out there. Ask him if I exaggerate. He’s threatened us and he’s dangerous.

Monty: Is this true?

Withnail: Well there’s this local type hanging about. We got into a tiff and he threatened me
with a dead fish! Yes it was rather amusing actually, when you came in we thought it was
him. And we thought that you cleaning your boots was him sharpening his knife.

Monty: (laughter) Oh how delicious.

I: I’m going for a walk.

Monty: Oh wait for us to finish dear boy, we’ll all go.

I walks to edge of stage and jumps off. Withnail quickly follows.

Withnail: Listen, I know what you’re thinking but I had no alternative. He’d just come
around I didn’t want to overwhelm him.

I: You’re sensitivity astounds me. If you think you’re going to have a weekends indulgence
in the country at his expense, which means him having a weekends indulgence at my expense
then you’ve got another thing coming.

Withnail: I give you my word, we’ll leave first thing tomorrow morning.

I: Tomorrow? Tomorrow? What about tonight?

Withnail: Oh he’s not going to try anything.

I: Of course he is! Why do you think he’s up here he means business!

Withnail: Anyway he says the coffee is ready.

I: I couldn’t drink it. I’ve got a cramp in the mouth from grinning.

Withnail: Well stop smiling at him.

I: I can’t, I’m so uptight I can’t stop myself.

They go back inside and sit, Monty has risen.

Monty: Ah this brings back such memories of Oxford. Oh Oxford. SND 10 - VO

I V.O:

Followed by yet another antidote about his sensitive crimes with a chap called Norman who
had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips off crumpets.

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He clears the plates and exits.

I: He’s having my room alright. That’s the condition, I want the room with the lock. Agreed?
Or I’m off.

Withnail: Alright, alright. (downs his drink and pours another, continues to do so
periodically every few lines). LX 37 - Tabley

Music begins to play, Monty returns with playing cards and more wine. They spend a moment
in silence playing cards, Withnail loosens his tie and unbutton the top of his shirt as he
becomes more drunk.

Monty: I think we’d better get him off to bed.

I: No no, he sleeps down here. You’re in my room, I’m in his room and he’s down here.

Monty: No I wouldn’t dream of depriving the fellow of his bed, especially in his condition.

I: It’s agreed (shakes Withnail) It’s what he wants.

Withnail: (awakes suddenly) No I don’t I want to go to bed.

I: (grabs him) Alright then lovey, let’s get you to bed. Night night then Monty!

I dumps Withnail in his bed, runs across the stage to get his pyjama bottoms. He runs back to
be faced with Monty.

Monty: I think he’d better sleep alone tonight. He doesn’t want to sleep with you.

I: Right. Well. You’re in there, and I’ll take the couch. I’ll say goodnight then Monty.

Monty: You already have. Twice.

I runs to sofa and begins to furiously ruffle cushions. Monty follows.

I: Oh listen Monty I’m terribly tired I have to go to sleep.

Monty: But not that tired eh?

I: I’m terribly tired.

Monty: I’ve been watching you all evening. You’ve been avoiding my eyes haven’t you.

I: Your eyes?

Monty: Yes. At lunch you could barely tear your gaze from mine this evening you’ve barely
looked at me. What did he say to you?

I: Nothing I assure you. I’m terribly tired I must go to bed.

Monty: Yes you must, mustn’t you. Off you go then. It won’t be the first time I’ve been left
with the couch. LX 36 - Start of Scene

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I runs into the bedroom, pulls on jogging bottoms and removes shirt and jumps into bed.
Monty follows and I pretends to be asleep.

Monty: Boy. Boy. I know you’re not asleep boy. But he is. He won’t hear a thing. I know
you’re not asleep boy.

I: (Jumps up) No I’m not. What is it Monty what do you want?

Monty: I had to come. I tried not to, I tried.

I: Listen Monty there’s something I need to explain to you….

Monty: No need to explain he’s told me everything. He told me about your arrest in the
Tottenem Court Road, he told me about your problems. How you feel, your desires.

I: Problems? What problems?

Monty: You are a homosexual.

I: He told you that?

Monty: I know how you feel, and how difficult it is. And that’s why you mustn’t hold back
and let it ruin your youth as I did. It’s like a tide. Give into it boy, go with it! It’s society’s
crime not ours.

I: I’m not homosexual Monty.

Monty: Yes you are! Of course you are! You’re simply blackmailing your emotions to avoid
the reality of your relationship with him.

I: What are you talking about?

Monty: You love him! And it isn’t his fault he cannot love you any more than it is mine that I
adore you! Can’t we allow ourselves this one night of indescression?

I: No we can’t!

Monty: I adore you! I mean to have you even if it must be burglary!

I: (babbling as he approaches) It isn’t me it’s him! We’re an affair we have been for years!
But he doesn’t want you to know it doesn’t want anyone to know! We’re both in it! We’re
obsessed with each other. But he’s ashamed! He refuses to come out and accept what he is.
That’s why he’s rejecting me while you’re here. On my life Monty, this is the first night we
haven’t slept together for six years. I can’t cheat on him it would kill him! He’s lying, lying!

Monty: Oh my dear boy, if I’d known that I would never have attempted to come between
you. You’d better go to him.

I: Oh I intend to. This instant. LX 37.3 - Other Bed

He walks across the stage as Monty exits.

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I: Withnail you bastard wake up. Wake up you bastard or I’ll burn this bastard bed down.

Withnail: I deny all accusations. What do you want?

I: I have just narrowly avoided a beggaring, and I’ve come here with the express intension of
wishing one on you. Having said that I now intend to leave for London.

Withnail: Hold on, don’t let your imagination run away with you.

I: Imagination? I’ve just finished fighting a half-naked man! How dare you tell him I’m a
homosexual!

Withnail: It was a tactical necessity. If I hadn’t told him you were active we’d have never
have got the cottage.

I: I’d never have wanted it not with him in it!

Withnail: Calculated risk!

I: What is all this tactical necessity and calculate risk?! This is me, naked in a corner! And
how dare you tell him I love you. And how dare you tell him you rejected me how dare you
tell him that!

Withnail: Sorry, I said it without thinking.

I: Well let me tell you something Withnail (grabs gun) If he comes into my room again its
murder, and you will be held responsible in law! LX 38 - End Of Scene
LX 39 - Start of scene
SCENE 13 – Withnail, I

The next morning, stoney silence around the table, there is an open letter that I is reading.

V.O Monty: VO Cut, Now spoken

Perhaps it is appropriate justice for the eavesdropper that he should leave as his trade
determines, and in the dead of night.

Knock at the door.

I: (gets up and go to the wings) Who’s there?

Voice: Telegram.

I: (walks back on reading it hands it to Withnail)

Withnail: (reads)Well done.

I: Well it doesn’t mean to say I’ve got it, they probably just want to see me again…Well that
settles it then, we leave immediately. Get your kit together we’re leaving in half an hour.

Withnail: Half an hour? Don’t be ridiculous! I need at least an hour for lunch!

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 LX 43 - End of Scene
SCENE 14 – Withnail, I, Policeman

SCENE 14 CUT
They are in the car, Withnail drinking wine from the bottle. Sounds of rain and beeping cars.

I: This is ridiculous I can’t see a thing. And I have got to get some sleep!

The lights dim on a plotting Withnail. “Voodoo Child” begins to play. The lights come up.
Withnail is driving.

I: (sits up from back seat) What’s going on?

Withnail: I’m making time.

I: Are you out of your mind? Pull over you haven’t got a licence!

Withnail: No. I’m making time.

A police siren begins.

I: Oh no.

Withnail: I’ll handle it.

I: You’re full off scotch you silly tool!

Policeman: Bit early for festivities isn’t it? (indicates bottles)

Withnail: Those aren’t mine they belong to him.

Policeman: You’re drunk.

Withnail: I assure you I’m not officer, honestly. I’ve only had a few ales.

Policeman: Get out the car. Please. Sir. Blow into the bag in one breath.

Withnail shakes his head.

Policeman: Are you refusing? (nods) I’m placing you under arrest.

Withnail: Don’t be ridiculous I haven’t done anything. My cousins a….

Policeman: Get in the back of the van.

They lead him off as I looks in horror and bemusement.

LX 44 - Start of Scene
SCENE 15 – Withnail, I, Danny

The pair walk on, checking the post.

Withnail: Where are our checks?

I: We didn’t sign on.

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Withnail: That wouldn’t make any difference to last week’s payments.

They hear snoring. They look at each other and walk further on so that the stage becomes
fully lit. Danny is sleeping on one of the chairs.

I: What are you doing in my chair?

Danny: (mumbles) I was asleep.

I: Right you got ten minutes to be out! Ten minutes alright.

Withnail: How did you get in?

Danny: Ingenuity mate, climbed up the drainpipe. Would you like a smoke?

Withnail: Yes.

I: No thanks, I’ve got a call to make.

Danny starts lining up papers.

Withnail: What are you doing?

Danny: The joint I’m about to roll can require up to twelve skins. It is called the Camberwell
carrot.

I: Its impossible to make a joint with twelve skins.

Danny: It’s impossible to make a Camberwell carrot with anything less.

Withnail: Who says it’s a Camberwell carrot?

Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot. Do you realise this gaff’s
overrun with rodents? When I come in I seen one that was the size of a fucking dog.

I: No that is a dog. Belongs to the fellow downstairs.

Danny: Does this dog get under the oven?

Withnail: No it doesn’t come up here.

Danny: Then it was a rodent. Opened the oven door and it was there looking at me. Who’s he
gone to phone?

Withnail: His agent. He’s wasting his time because he won’t be in.

The giant joint is complete and Danny lights it.

Danny: This will tend to make you very high. (I enters) you get the part man?

I: (Takes joint) I got a different one. They want me to play the lead.

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Withnail: Congratulations.

Danny: Where’ve you two been anyway?

I: A little holiday in the country.

Withnail starts to chuckle under his breath.

Danny: A very good idea. There was a geezer round here looking for you the other day.

I: What geezer?

Danny: He reckoned you owed him £266 back rent. I told him, there no question paying rent
on a property shared with rodents. He takes exception to this, starts coming on really bold
with me. I told him to piss off.

I: You bloody fool, he’ll have us up in court again.

Danny: No he won’t it ain’t legal.

Withnail: I assume we can quote you can we?

Danny: Law rather appeal to me actually.

Withnail’s laughter intensifies.

I: Stop laughing Withnail this is serious.

Danny: It’s alright. I looked into it. Studied the papers.

I: What papers?

Danny: Legal papers.

I: What papers Danny?

Danny hands him a handful of letters.

I: He’s got our checks. What you doing with these?

Danny: I was gonna cash ‘em in for ya.

I: For Christ’s sake Withnail stop laughing. This is a notice of eviction. Please stop laughing
they wanna throw us out. Oh for fuck sake Danny give me a downer will you my brains
capsizing. My brain, oh fuck my brain.

Danny: Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It’ll pass. Be seated. (continues the joint)

I: Aren’t you getting absurdly high?

Danny: That is precisely why I’m smoking it. (offers it to Withnail)

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Withnail: I couldn’t I’m spaced.

Danny: Not as spaced as them rodents.

I: Let’s not talk about them.

Danny: I imagine they’re talking to each other.

I: (increasingly more panic) What do you mean?

Danny: I dealt with them.

I: Dealt with them, what the fuck do you mean?

Danny: Dosed ‘em. I expect their dead down the drain.

I: Dead down the drain? What have you done to them?

Danny: Given them all drugged onions.

I: Jesus Christ! Why’ve you drugged their onions?

Danny: Sit down mate, take control.

I: Fuck sake give me a Valium I’m getting the fear!

Danny: You have given your brain something that has made you high. If I give something to
make you low, why trust one drug and not the other? That’s politics ain’t it? I recommend
you smoke some more grass.

I: No way.

Danny: That is an unfortunate political decision, reflecting these times.

Withnail: (very high, child like) What are you talking about Danny?

Danny: If you’re hanging onto a rising balloon, you’re presented with a difficult decision. Let
go before it’s too late, or hang on and keep getting higher. Posing the question, how long can
you keep a grip on the rope. They’re selling hippie wigs in Woolworths now. The greatest
decade in the history of mankind is over. LX 46 - End Of Scene
LX 47 - Start of Scene
SCENE 16 – Withnail, I

Withnail is sat alone onstage. I enters carrying a suitcase.

I: My father will pick up with boxes in the week. And he said he’ll do something about the
car. I’m off now then.

Withnail: Already? I’ve got us a bottle open. I confiscated it from Monty’s supplies. ’53
Margo, best of the century. I’m sure he wouldn’t resent us a parting drink.

I: I can’t Withnail, I’ve got to walk to the station, I’ll be late.

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Withnail: There’s always time for a drink.

I: No. I don’t have the time. LX 48 - Movey Move

Withnail: Alright. I’ll walk with you through the park. We can drink it on the way.

Withnail puts up an umbrella and they walk to the front of the stage. He offers some to I.

I: No thanks. Listen it’s a stinker why don’t you get back.

Withnail: I want to walk you to the station.

I: No. Please don’t. I really don’t want you to. (he places a hand on Withnail’s shoulder) I
shall miss you Withnail.

The set is begun to be removed in view of the audience.

LX 49 - Spoty
Withnail: (pause) I shall miss you too. Chin chin.

I have of late—but wherefore I know not— lost all my mirth, and indeed, it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this
most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firminent, this majestical
roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite
in faculty! how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the
paragon of animals! And yet to me what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me—
no, nor woman neither.

Exits.

END. LX 50 - B/O
LX 51 - Bows

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