EMAIL course

Anger Management
Developing Tolerance as a growing Leader
 1
Vaishnava
behavior &
Asuric behavior
Anger is momentary madness
BMW (blaming mourning weiling) outlook
If only I HAD a senior who doesn’t micromanage me…..

If I could HAVE two more weeks for study….

If only I HAD more co-operative team members …..

Vaishnava outlook
I can BE more diligent and creative to meet with the
needs of my boss…...

I can BE more planned in spending my time….

I can BE more patient and respectful to my team
members to get their cooperation…..
 Capturing
Constructiveness of Anger
Observing &
Managing our emotions
Anger is a inner voice that shouts,
pleads, compels and demands :
(eg) He’s a kid who came yesterday. What does he know? He
is speaking as if he knows the Hostel situation better than me?
(eg) How could you decide on finalising menu for the Camp
without getting my approval? Do you think you’re the boss?

Anger is meant to be respected and acted upon,

not acted out, or escalated into rage and hostility.
 Observe & Identify WHAT makes one angry?
1. How many times I’ve told you not to get late for offering the
bhoga to the Lord? You better fast from eating for a day to
realise your mistake.
2. Why do you bother me with the same question over hundred
times, about whether you should study or preach? Do what
you wish. You basically want to say, you don’t want to preach.
3. Either you keep your promise and do the work; or you say no
and let me do the work. Why do you promise first and
abscond? You’re simply a cheater!
4. Why do you always cook less sabji? Are we small school
going kids that we’ll eat only a palmful? Its just common sense!
5. This weekend boys have three days holidays in a row and
no one is going home. You’ve missed out arranging a nice
Camp to keep these guys engaged. You can’t be like a
Kumbakarna!
If we overreact to anger,
we’ re being driven by impulse.

If we ignore the call of feelings

it builds up & later we blow up.

Result?
Large amounts of time trying to :

mend fences,
make apologies,
wrestle with guilt and regret.
 iTarSk*-Taa ivPa[l/BDaa" Xaáa"
i+aáa hTaa AiPa )

NaaSYa TaTa( Pa[iTaku-vRiNTa

TaÙ¢-a" Pa[>avae_iPa ih ))
SB. 1.18.48
TRANSLATION

The devotees of the Lord are so forbearing

that even though they are defamed,
cheated, cursed, disturbed, neglected or
even killed, they are never inclined to
avenge themselves.
Situations that test tolerance

1. Defamed
• Srivas Thakur
2. Cheated
• Pandavas
3. Cursed
• Maharaj Parikshit
4. Neglected - Avanti Brahmana
5. Killed - Jesus
 Vaishnava’s Tolerance
• Approaching superiors/spiritual master ( E.g. Sri Vyasdev)
• Difficulties as mercy of Lord ( E.g. Narada as dasiputra)
• Never be unkind to others
( E.g. Draupadi towards Ashvatama)
• Fearlessness by surrender ( E.g. Uttara)
• Calamities take us closer to Krishna ( E.g. Queen Qunti)
• Token punishment ( E.g. Mother Earth and Dharma)
 We fail to tolerate if…
• We don’t acquire qualities of Brahmana…. Eg Asvatthama
• We curse others rather improving…. Eg Shringi
• We are not grateful…. Eg. Indra-Vishwarup
• We are not humble enough…. Eg. Suruchi
• We are in mode of comparing… Eg Indra vs Pruthu
• We are selfish…. Eg. Dhuryodhana
• We lack faith in Krishna’s arrangement….. Eg Kritadyuti
• One’s greatness has to be estimated
by one’s ability to tolerate provoking
situations. (Krishna book ch.89)
 Can’t we Speak in a Vaishnava way………..
1. How many times I’ve told you not to get late for offering the
bhoga to the Lord? You better fast from eating for a day to
realise your mistake.
1. Its not a good idea to daily bring offerings for the
Lord late like this prabhu; SP, Guru Maharaja and
Acaryas will not be pleased with us for this
behaviour; please take care from tomorrow.
2. Why do you bother me with the same question over hundred
times, about whether you should study or preach? Do what
you wish. You basically want to say, you don’t want to preach.
2. I know that you’re preparing for GATE and you’re
feeling tension as you’ve only two months left.
Although you’ve great enthu to preach, your study
tension doesn’t allow you. Don’t worry.
 Can’t we Speak in a Vaishnava way………..
3. Either you keep your promise and do the work; or you say no
and let me do the work. Why do you promise first and
abscond? You’re simply a cheater!
3. When you promise to do a work for me, I depend
on you for my results. If you back out last minute,
I’ve no other devotees left to do the same. I will
appreciate if you offer me a substitute for you.
4. Why do you always cook less sabji? Are we small school
going kids that we’ll eat only a palmful? Its just common sense!
4. I wonder why everyday the sabji quantity
becomes very small prabhu. We atleast need double
the quantity of what you make everyday; please do
the needful so that all devotees can have sufficient
quantity and will not complaint.
 Can’t we Speak in a Vaishnava way………..
5. This weekend boys have three days holidays in a row and
no one is going home. You’ve missed out arranging a nice
Camp to keep these guys engaged. You can’t be like a
Kumbakarna!
5. I feel dejected to see that we’ve missed the three
holidays that just came and went. We could have
had a nice Camp for the new upcoming boys. I think
prabhus, we’ve to be alert to such opportunities in
future and not miss out and lament later.
 2
Know your
Personality
type
 Personality Types
Noble S Enlightened
Leader with Soul
Sattvik
Vision Noble, Man of Perfection,
Commercial Love & Compassion
Businessman S+R
Assertive,
Stands for
Principles
& Values

R T
Rajasik
Aggressive, full of selfish Tamasik
drive, prone to Opportunist, wants Lazy, sensuous, inactive
active life others to work
for him – prone
to violence
Criminals,
Political Law-breaker
R+T Leader
 abhisandhäya yo hiàsäà
dambhaà mätsaryam eva vä
saàrambhé bhinna-dåg bhävaà
mayi kuryät sa tämasaù
hiàsäm—violence; dambham—pride; mätsaryam—envy; saàrambhé—angry;
bhinna—separate; dåk—whose vision;

TRANSLATION
Devotional service executed by a person who is envious,
proud, violent and angry, and who is a separatist, is considered
to be in the mode of darkness. [SB 3.29.8]
 To act under the direction of a bona fide spiritual master with a
motive to satisfy the Supreme Personality of Godhead is pure
devotional service. But if one has a motive for personal sense
gratification, his devotional service is manifested differently. Such
a man may be violent, proud, envious and angry, and his interests
are separate from the Lord's.

One who approaches the Supreme Lord to render devotional service, but who is proud of his
personality, envious of others or vengeful, is in the mode of anger. He thinks that he is the best
devotee. Devotional service executed in this way is not pure; it is mixed and is of the lowest
grade, tämasaù……One may offer his respects to such a Vaiñëava because he has accepted the
Supreme Lord as the ultimate goal of life, but one should not keep company with a Vaiñëava
who is in the mode of ignorance. [SB 3.29.8 Purport]
 viñayän abhisandhäya
yaça aiçvaryam eva vä
arcädäv arcayed yo mäà
påthag-bhävaù sa räjasaù
viñayän—sense objects; abhisandhäya—aiming at; yaçaù—fame;
aiçvaryam—opulence; påthak-bhävaù—a separatist;
TRANSLATION
The worship of Deities in the temple by a separatist, with a
motive for material enjoyment, fame and opulence, is devotion
in the mode of passion. [SB 3.29.9]
 karma-nirhäram uddiçya
parasmin vä tad-arpaëam
yajed yañöavyam iti vä
påthag-bhävaù sa sättvikaù
karma—fruitive activities; nirhäram—freeing himself from; uddiçya—with the purpose of;
parasmin—to the Supreme Personality of Godhead;
TRANSLATION
When a devotee worships the Supreme Personality of Godhead and
offers the results of his activities in order to free himself from the
inebrieties of fruitive activities, his devotion is in the mode of goodness.
[SB 3.29.8]
 Devotional service in the modes of ignorance, passion and
goodness can be divided into eighty-one categories. There are
different devotional activities, such as hearing, chanting,
remembering, worshiping, offering prayer, rendering service and
surrendering everything, and each of them can be divided into
three qualitative categories. There is hearing in the mode of
passion, in the mode of ignorance and in the mode of goodness.
Similarly, there is chanting in the mode of ignorance, passion and
goodness, etc. Three multiplied by nine equals twenty-seven, and
when again multiplied by three it becomes eighty-one. One has
to transcend all such mixed materialistic devotional service in
order to reach the standard of pure devotional service. [SB
3.29.10 Purport]
 Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
Below
1. are situations
Driving your carthat
in cause
rush Disturbance/Irritation.
hour
Imagine yourself in each one right now. How are you
reacting?
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
2. Getting a last minute work assignment
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
3. Misplacing something in the house
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
4. Having something break while using it
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
5. Dealing with incompetence at work
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
6. Facing ups and downs in preaching
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
7. Being blamed for something
Are you a reactor or an over reactor?
8. Waiting in a long line at the grocery store or bank
WHY DO WE
GET ANGRY?
3
CONTROL
EXPECTATIONS
OPINIONS
INSULTED
FRUSTRATIONS
I want to CONTROL
We want to be in CONTROL
of Money, Situations and People
around us as per our wish without
anybody’s interference
Things didn’t go as per MY EXPECTATIONS

Unfulfilled Expectations
is the root cause of Intolerance.
Its not happening as per my OPINION

When we
insist, demand or command
that things should happen
our way (my opinion) and they
don’t happen.
I am feeling INSULTED

When there is a perceived threat to

self-esteem or dignity.
I am FRUSTRATED because I CANNOT ENJOY

When our
attempts to enjoy
the way we want
is frustrated,
we become angry.
I faced FAILURE
Attempt to control and
facing failure
is the cause of
most of our emotional upsets.
 We are not Controllers,
we are Co-workers with God.
Frustration arises due to our refusal
to accept the Inevitable.
 Fill in the blanks

If I took responsibility for every

feeling I experience and
for every word I utter,
_________________________
 Fill in the blanks : ANSWER

What was your answer?

I’d have to be more alert and aware.
I’d probably be taken more seriously.
I’d be more accountable.
I’d have to put all my values into practice.
I’d make fewer snap wrong judgements.
I’d have to be more emotionally honest.
I’d have to pay more attention.
I wouldn’t do or say hurtful or short sighted things.
 4a
Solution to
Anger --
E.S.C.A.P.E.
Formula
 E
1. Give up Unreasonable xpectations

Expectation Actual Reality

A WIDE GAP

STRESS

FEAR
2. Right Definition
1. Give of S
up Unreasonable uccess
Expectations

Expectation Actual Reality

A WIDE GAP

STRESS

FEAR
 3. Give up
Unhealthy

comparison
4. Always count
blessings of God
upon you.
5. Don’t be overly bothered about
what People think of you.
Material relationships always have a selfish motive!
6. Empathize with others
problems
 4b
Solution to
Anger :
POSITIVE
OUTLOOK TO LIFE
 Generally the way we act,
depends on how we feel
about a particular situation.
Study a rose
and its stem.
Some will see it as a rosebush with
a few thorns along the way.
Others might see it as a
thorn bush with a
little rose at the end.

The object of study is the same,

what is different is our interpretation & feelings.
Based on different feelings
about the same situation,
different people
act differently.
Seldom have we questioned our
BELIEF SYSTEMS that are
really causing anger.
 God is great;
Chanting We are tiny.
But with God’s help,
we can surpass
the most difficult
stressful situations.
PRAY to God for help.
 5
Why is
Anger
dangerous?
Anger almost always increases
frustration
Getting angry prevents
a person from
solving the problem.
 Anger is not a
solution to frustration.
It is a reaction to frustration.
Anger makes a person
physically sick
& mentally weak.
 Anger is
the greatest
single
cause for break
in human
relationships.
 ANGER
GATEWAY
TO
HELL
Krishna Instructs Arjuna:

tri-vidhaà narakasyedaà
dväraà näçanam ätmanaù
kämaù krodhas tathä lobhas
tasmäd etat trayaà tyajet
 There are three gates
leading to this hell

Lust Greed
Anger
Every sane man should give
these up, for they lead to the
degradation of the soul.
REF. Bg 16.21
If we do not deal with it
firmly and positively, it
will keep on destroying
our inner selves.
The person who holds
on to anger or
resentment is, without
his knowing it, causing
damage to himself
from within.
This anger creates
poison in our
system, destroying
our mind, body &
consciousness.
If this anger and
hatred keep
brewing in our
system & remains
in background …
& it’s very difficult
to maintain good
consciousness
 Therefore it is everyone’s duty to try
strenuously to control desire and anger.
 6
Constructive
Criticism :
How to give it?
How to take it?
Constructive Criticism : How to give it ?

CASE STUDY PROBLEM :

In your company, there is a start-off meeting for a new

upcoming project on the First Monday afternoon of every
month. You are the Project Leader and Mr.Ravi is one of
your team members but is senior enough to play a keyrole
in all the projects. In the past 2 meetings he had either
come one hour late or missed it. You are totally upset with
Mr.Ravi as projects are stuck up without him. You want to
call Mr.Ravi and tell him.

How will you handle the problem ?

Constructive Criticism : How to give it ?

EPM formula to keep yourself in control :

(Empathize, Pinpoint, Move forward)

(1) Empathize - see the problem from the other

persons view point for co-operation
What am I going to get out of this criticism ? What
to accomplish ?
(eg) “Dear Ravi, I wonder you’d some busy
engagement after lunch that we missed you in
our project start-off meeting.”
 Constructive Criticism : How to give it ?
EPM formula to keep yourself in control :
(Empathize, Pinpoint, Move forward)

(2) Pinpoint - Stick to the issues/specifics/fact ;

Attack the problem, not the person

Being specific leaves us something to work with and no

ambiguity.
(eg) “This project is offered by the London company
and you’ve a keyrole to play in that. At the start-off
meeting we discussed how the whole thing is going to
be co-ordinated and completed before the deadline”
Constructive Criticism : How to give it ?
EPM formula to keep yourself in control :
(Empathize, Pinpoint, Move forward)

(3) Move forward - Open a discussion or

negotiation (don’t give instruction) and
Co-operatively go ahead.
(eg) “Since we take up new project every month, and
we missed you for the past two start-off meetings
that were held after lunch, I wonder how we go
ahead without your contribution in the first
meetings.”
Between Empathizing and Pinpointing, don’t use
`but’, it cancels empathy.
Constructive Criticism : How to TAKE it ?

You can LEARN to –

1) Listen, Clarify, Value

2) Stand up and Step forward

3) Learn and Innovate

4) Consider, Remember, Empathize

5) Change and Motivate

Constructive Criticism : How to TAKE it ?
You can LEARN to –
1) Listen, Clarify, Value
“Sir, you told me that I missed the last two meetings”
“And the recent ones in which the London project was discussed.”
“I wish I never missed any of them; by the way I was given a different duty
by MD”

2) Stand up and Step forward

“When I was called for that another duty what should I have done Sir ?”
“Probably I should have informed you in advance about it.....”
Constructive Criticism : How to TAKE it ?
3) Learn and Innovate
“How can I become more responsible ?
Unfortunately it has happened twice.”
“When two superiors offer me jobs, how can I manage?
Let me find out”

4) Consider, Remember, Empathize

“Certainly my boss’s idea must have some meaning………….”
“He told me a couple of months ago,
not to take two jobs at a time…..”
“I can understand how much he must be
put in problem because of me”

5) Change and Motivate

“Now I am going to act like this as per his direction……….”
 7
Four gifts of Lord
to Humans &
How to take
Advantage of
them in bringing
out the Angel
within us
 To Live, Love, Learn, Leave a legacy
Four gifts of Lord to Humans

a) Self-awareness :
Examining our mental make up & habits

b) Supersoul Awareness :
wisdom of heart & scriptures

c) Sacred Choice :
Our capacity to act proactively

d) See future now :

Power to envision a future & set a goal
 To Live, Love, Learn, Leave a legacy

Utilising Four gifts of Lord to Humans

a) Self-awareness :
Nurture Self awareness by keeping a Personal Journal.

b) Supersoul awareness:
Educate Conscience by Learning, Listening & Responding

c) Sacred Choice :
Nurture Independent Will by Making and Keeping Promises

d) Stick to duty :
Develop Creative Imagination through Visualization
Succeed at home first. A Personal Mission Statement
Seek and merit divine help.
Never compromise with honesty.
Remember the people involved.
Hear both sides before judging.
Obtain counsel of others.
Defend those who are absent.
Be sincere yet decisive.
Develop one new proficiency a year.
Plan tomorrow’s work today.
Hustle while you wait.
Maintain a positive attitude.
Keep a sense of humor.
Be orderly in person and in work.
Do-not fear mistakes-fear only the absence of creative, constructive, and
corrective response to those mistakes.
Facilitate the success of subordinates.
Listen twice as much as you speak.
Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task at hand, not worrying about the
next job or promotion. - Rolfe Kerr
 Inside Out : Awakening our original qualities

Routines Responsibilities

Roles Relationships

Acquired Innate
• Experiences • Peace
• Abilities • Love
• Memories • Power
• Learning • Truth
• Habits • Happiness
• Equilibrium
• Beliefs
 8
An immediate
& longterm
practical tips
to deal with
Anger
 There are 4 helpful steps
suggested by phychoanalysts.

 Recognize that you are angry

 Identify the source

 Understand why you are angry

by doing ABC analysis
 Deal with the situation
realistically.
 The ABC analysis
A procedure to take
personal inventory of anger
A stands for‘activating agent’

B stands for‘belief systems’

C stands for emotional ‘consequences’

or feeling that a person has with regard
to the situation
Next part of ABC Analysis is
‘CB’
 CB stands for ‘consequential behavior’

The way you act or behave as

a result of your emotional feeling
Let’s look at an example:
A – ‘activating agent’
Your friend told someone that
you’re not smart & quick in doing your job.
 B – ‘belief systems’

Your friend should

not have criticized you.
You feel he is foolish and
does not know about
who you are &
how smart & quick
you are at job
C - Emotional ‘consequences’

You feel hurt

CB - ‘consequential behavior’

You loose tolerance, shout back

& get angry at him
3 Ways
 1
Expression
 When you express
your anger it gives
some relief. This relief,
however is temporary.
…
 Resentments
again build up,
and you are ready
for another spill
out.
Gradually, anger
becomes a habit.
 2
Suppression
 Suppression
drives anger and
resentment into
subconscious.
 There it may
develop into a
complex and
affect our entire
behavior and
attitude towards
life.
RIGHT
WAY
Burn anger before
anger burns you
& your happiness
& peace.
How
?
 3
Patience,
Austerity &
Forgiveness

“To burn anger we must

develop the quality of
forgiveness”.
Power to Listen - Patience
 Power to Listen - Patience
Why does one not have Patience ?

1) Failing to consider the position of another person,

recognizing only one’s own motivations.
2) People who lack Compassion for others
3) People who view themselves as centers
can never pay any heed to others.
4) Highly mechanized impersonal structure of
modern society leads to :
• impersonal and impatient behaviour
• insensitivity to others and intolerence
 Power to Listen - Patience
Creating a Favorable Debate Culture

Leaders of future extend Respect and Trust.

They stay open -- curious, empathetic, constantly
learning in the face of Resistance and Criticism

Discontent - a hotbed of Creative ideas

- Motorola’s Debate culture

Constructive Discontent creates --

• Awareness
• Problem Exposure
• Applied Empathy
 Power to Listen - Patience
Philips -
Town meetings - managers must stand before
employees and answer questions posed
Pasting blank papers throughout office and
factory for employee’s suggestions

Honda -
‘Listen, Ask and Speak up’ culture
Idea Contests open to all employees
Young engineers - given excep. Levels of
responsibility, encouraged to question
Story of a young G.E.T. becoming C.E.O.
 Austerity of Body
Austerity of the body consists in worship of the Supreme Lord,
the Wise, Guru and superiors like the father and mother, and in
cleanliness, simplicity, celibacy and nonviolence. [BG 17.14]
 Austerity of Speech
Austerity of speech consists in speaking words that
are truthful, pleasing, beneficial, and not agitating to
others, and also in regularly reciting Vedic literature.
[BG 17.15]
 Austerity of Mind
And satisfaction, simplicity, gravity, self-control
and purification of one's existence are the
austerities of the mind. [BG 17.16]
 Do not loose temper
on a person acting as
an instrument of our
own past karma to
deliver us our own
goods of pain
QUALITY OF
SAINTLY
PERSONS
 But a saintly
person never
becomes angry,
even if there is
very great
provocation.
The demonic are always
present, and they
find fault even in
saintly persons. …
 Quite possible, when
provocation comes we
are not able to
remember these
sublime instructions!
We act instinctively
compelled by our
natures!
However, later on we
can go to that person,
apologize or beg
forgiveness.

This keeps heart &

mind clean &
consciousness pure.
 Srila
Prabhupada
explains…
 “If there is any discrepancy, a
devotee forgives. It is said that
forgiveness is a quality of those who
are advancing in spiritual
knowledge.”
REF. SB 4.20.3
“In our dealings, there are so many
faulty dealings between ourselves.
So if we take everything very
seriously, then it is very difficult to
live”.
REF. Çrémad-Bhägavatam 12.2.1
“Kñamä-rüpaà tapasvinaù, especially
those who are following penance and
austerity, yogic principle or devotional
life, …they should learn to excuse”.
 WHEN
SHOULD WE
GET ANGRY
?
 9
When
should we
get Angry?
Aristotle says:

Anyone can
become angry -
that is easy.
 But to be angry
with the right person
to the right degree
at the right time
for the right purpose
in the right way
– that is not easy !
 Aristotle says:

There is a type of anger

which is known as righteous
anger.

When it is my duty to be
angry, & I become angry, that
is righteous anger.
 A parent has to
sometime get angry
with a child for
the good of the child.
A teacher has to
sometime be
angry with a
student for the
good of the
student.
 An employer has sometime to be
angry with an employee for the good
of the organization.
A Meaningful Prayer
“ O Lord, give me
the courage
to change the things which
can and ought
to be changed,
the serenity
to accept the things
which cannot be changed,
and
the wisdom
to know the difference ”
Thank You Very Much...
May God bless you
to live a purposeful life
that will bringforth
unending Bliss !
 VOICE THANK
Rekindling wisdom, Reviving Love YOU
VERY
MUCH

….wishes you a
blissful life
of well managed Time
and well spent Time
Please feel free to contact us on :
Radheshyam.rns@pamho.net
VOICE Director : Radheshyam das, IIT, Powai