.

But I will always have to be on my guard

for those old, codependent tendencies that want to creep into my thinking
on occasion. The only difference is now I am mindful of how I think,
behave and function in the world. This difference took me from
dysfunctional to balanced. Do I still fall back into old patterns now and
then? Of course. But now I have the tools to correct myself. This idea that
we have to do things perfectly is the distorted thinking of a codependent.
Being able to get past this lie was a huge step for me.

Emotional abuse - which is often done in

the form of withholding love and affection - is an invisible but incredibly
powerful weapon.

I feel remorse that I never really knew my father who died of

emphysema at seventy-two. We didn’t talk much except when we were
fighting. Then there was a lot of screaming and cursing.
I’m told he adored me as a baby. I wish I could remember that love, but
I don’t. He was a career enlisted army soldier. He was either physically
absent, or home and mentally checked out

When I allow myself to see my early years from an adult vantage point,
it’s easy to see how confusing and utterly messed up my upbringing was. It
left me feeling pessimistic, scared, lonely, insecure, resentful, anxious,
unlovable, lost, confused and full of anger. By the time I was sixteen, I was
contemplating murder.
I shot out of that petri dish of emotional poison we called home as soon
as I was old enough to get my own place. Naturally, it didn’t take long for
things to unravel even more from there. Dysfunction was all I had ever
known, so of course I continued to spin more of it, completely unaware of
how I was sabotaging myself.

One guaranteed outcome of all of this was I continually sought out the
same type of unhealthy relationships I came from exactly as Dr. Levine
pointed out.Doomed to repeat my family’s behavior because I didn’t know
any better and had zero confidence, I went from one disastrous relationship,
affair, friendship and association to the next. All the while I wondered why
the same sort of awful results kept occurring

Her life revolved around making sure

everything in our home was under control because under the surface, life
was so maddeningly out of control.

All of this made it impossible for me to function like a normal teenager.

I was already deeply affected by my parent’s addiction and codependency. I
just didn’t know it yet. As far back as elementary school, I suffered from
anxiety, depression and was always fearful. I was withdrawn, insecure and
didn’t have good boundaries because I was so starved for acceptance. But
no one talked about those things back then. I lived in the shadows just to
avoid more drama.

here is the truth that changed my life: when I understood I no longer

needed to play by the harsh, distorted rules I had to accept as a child, I
began the process of dismantling my false-self (just as Bradshaw
explained). When I stopped the never-ending struggle to meet everyone
else’s needs while ignoring my own, I no longer felt crazy. When I finally
gave myself permission to SPEAK UP, my depression started to dissipate.
When I realized I was codependent and all that went with it, I took the first
step to a better life by getting help. Freedom is on the other side of that wall
around you called ‘codependency’.
Unsafe, non-nurturing environments where children are traumatized
(including the lack of interaction) can be the start of many lifelong mental
issues including bi-polar, borderline personality, post-traumatic stress,
anxiety, narcissism, attachment issues, obsessive compulsive disorder and
of course, the codependent personality. Many times they work in tandem. If
you’re lucky, as I am, you might have to unravel and overcome the effects
of a combinations of disorders. I

I wrote on previous pages that codependency usually begins in the

child’s home, but it is possible to come from a good home and end up in an
adult relationship that bends you into a codependent over time.

The word ‘normal’ makes me uncomfortable

because it insinuates someone other than us gets to determine the standard.
Let’s agree that normal is another word for healthy or balanced which is not
to be confused with average.

As you do the work and make progress in your new life, don’t stress out
when you find yourself at a new level of peace. As paradoxical as it sounds,
this is a common thought for codependents. We often don’t know what to
do with a quiet, stable life and will often jeopardize ourselves again, just to
get back into chaos and disharmony, where we know the territory. This is
also why we tend to not be attracted to well balanced partners. It’s boring to
a person who is so used to drama. This is another lie that has to be
addressed. If you’re not comfortable with being comfortable, just know it’s
another symptom of an unhealthy mind. It will be addressed in detail in the
Guide

The Hierarchy Of Enlightenment

When I was in the corporate world, there was training we took having to
do with how people learn. You may be familiar with it:
1. Doesn’t know he doesn’t know
2. Knows that he doesn’t know
3. Doesn’t know that he knows
4. Knows that he knows (enlightenment)
When thinking about what it takes for an over comer to arrive at the
point of being an authentic participant in life, this thought process floated
up from memory. Here’s the parallel.
• We’re too terrified and isolated to know there is any other way to
live.
• We become aware that not everyone lives like this but we don’t
know what to do to change things. The pain is terrible because now we
know there is another way. We crave the illusive ‘normal’ we see in
others.
• We begin to seek help in order to change our circumstances. We
understand our situation and what to do intellectually but we haven’t
undergone a real transformation. This is where many people in therapy
quit because now they have to change how they think and behave.
• Finally, our head and our spirit connect and we know there is a
way out. We become more and more separated from our past hurts. We
know that we have the knowledge and skills to evolve in higher ways. We
are free to become the authentic human beings we were meant to be. We
move into our new life.
This process took decades for me. I didn’t even know there was a
process until I recently looked back and realized how perfectly an
overcomer’s work fits into that corporate process.
Even when we get to level four, there is still so much more to be done
because the lies are still playing out in our minds. These destructive
murmurings have become so ingrained, we aren’t aware of them most of the
time. Those lies are part of our old makeup. They’re the reason that in spite
of some important victories, we still feel heavy inside. Remember, those
lies will wreak havoc with our health as well.

“ A lie told often enough becomes the truth.”

Lenin

Believing you’re intrinsically flawed

leads to insecurity. With that driving your life, you have a very hard time
connecting with people because you judge them according to how much
better they are than you. As a way to over compensate and cover up our
brokenness, you often take on an arrogant posture to show how superior
you are. It’s a frustrating and fake way to live.

When the father of my children would disappear for an entire day and
evening with an old high school girlfriend and then later get outraged at me
for having the gall to questions his whereabouts, I felt crazy. But I was so
insecure, and didn’t even know I could speak up, I was drowning in rage.
Unexpressed, of course, this rage lead to on going depression.

In both these situations, I wasn’t the one behaving badly, yet somehow I
was being punished. It made no sense. There is no easier way to slip into
the mindset of not trusting your own innate senses than to have your reality
turned upside down by someone else who is only interested in serving their
own purposes by manipulating you.
It all boils down to a fear of abandonment. If not confronted it will drive
a person to the brink.

The people you’re trying so hard to please don’t want

you to be anything else but the person they control.

Her work identified the five stages of grief people go through upon
facing death. They are:
1. Denial - “I’m fine.” “This isn’t happening to me.”
2. Anger - “Why me?” “It’s not fair!”
3. Bargaining - “I’ll do anything if….” “God, if you help me out of
this, I promise…..”
4. Depression - “What’s the point of going on.”
5. Acceptance - “It’s going to be okay.”
Years later, these stages came to be applied to any form of catastrophic
event or trauma, including addiction. As I wrote earlier, codependency is a
form of addiction. That’s why these stages are important in understanding
the truth about the lie that ‘it’s too hard.’ Just as addicts go through these
phases before conceding they are powerless to change, codependent people
must come to the same conclusion in order to move on. The way you have
been functioning, thinking, reacting, talking and surviving are all based on
something that has in reality has kept you powerless to become a healthy,
well adjusted person. Let’s look at each phase more closely through the
eyes of codependency.

Denial
It took me many years to see that I had a problem. Many people think
their rotten disposition, bad temper, terrible social skills resulting in
continual drama and soured relationships are all just family traits that are in
their blood and there is nothing they can do about it. This is a bold-faced lie
and pretty lame excuse to keep from facing up to who we really are. By
saying “It’s not my fault! I can’t help it!” We deceive ourselves and project
a learned helplessness. It’s also one of the hallmark traits of codependency.
If others expect to control you, it’s imperative that you learn to be helpless
for the arrangement to work.

anger
But I’ve met other people from similar situations who can’t feel any
anger even though no one would blame them if they did. Instead, they
become intellectual about it. They rationalize to the point of being
obsessive and because they’re so terribly codependent, instead of
concentrating on healing themselves, they ruminating over how to fix the
people who hurt them. This behavior is a crazy maker and another basic
attribute of an unhealed mind.
Anger is good. You must be in touch with all your emotions to be fully
alive. But it isn’t healthy to let it run your life. In the Guide, we will discuss
appropriate ways to express and alleviate the old anger within you.

After bargaining, you will move on to depression, unless it’s been with
you your whole life, as was the case with me. Remember, you can have
both at the same time. There are many types and degrees of depression, but
for our purposes, we’ll refer to these three:
1. Clinical or major depression - episodes which occur off and on
throughout life. Lasts for about two weeks at a time.
2. Dysthymia - chronic, mild form which creates a constant depressed
mood for years at a time.
3. Situational - a response to stressful occurrences (death, trauma,
divorce, etc.) and usually lasts up to six months.
Again, it is completely possible to struggle with a constant depressed
mood everyday and get hit with Situational Depression when a disturbing
event strikes. If you have been depressed for as long as you can remember,
you are not fully alive and need to get help. If you’re not sure what you’re
feeling, here are the basic symptoms of depression:

acceptance
In the end, you will experience acceptance. “It was awful and unfair. I
accept that it happened and how it set me back. Now I will start the
healing.” Bravo. Understanding you can’t change it, you can’t control
anyone but yourself and that you did survive it is liberating. Now it’s time
to get to overcoming and thriving. Only you will know when it’s time to
take that step. Acceptance is not to be confused with forgiveness.

Most codependent people unwittingly surround themselves with people

who don’t validate them on any level. That’s why we are so attracted to
narcissists - another book in its self! So let me ask you, has anyone told you
how strong you are lately? If not, then you’re most likely with people who
don’t want you to be. This is manipulative and can be emotionally
damaging. But to you, it probably seems normal. I understand. Consider
this: you have made it to th

Here’s my point: time goes by. We get a little more tired and set in our
ways each year. If no one is affirming you and you’re spending all your
energy seeing to it that other people’s (especially our own children’s)
dreams come true, then it may seem like it’s too late for you to change,
reach a secret goal or even start over.

There’s practical concerns; maybe there isn’t enough money, time or

energy for you to take a life changing step in a new direction. And it’s much
more comfortable to fix other people, obsess over whether you have the
world around you under control and complain about life. The lie wants to
keep you stuck. Don’t count on the people who fill up your days to support
you now that you’re determined to move on. Especially, if they’re part of
the problem.

Take an honest look at the way you spend your time. A day in the life of
a codependent is filled with being overwrought because it provides us with
a sense of worthiness (look how hard I work), controlling, fixing or
rescuing other people who could probably handle their own stuff, given the
opportunity. You’re worrying, doing cartwheels to impress people who you
desperately want approval from, and of course, you’re worn out. It’s hard
being codependent.

There is growing evidence that a lifetime of stress actually encourages

cancer and other life-threatening diseases to attack the body. Having lost
several friends to various forms of cancer, I have a reverential fear of not
doing my part in keep my health.
Anger, trauma, anxiety, fear and other negative outcomes of your past
that have not been worked through can take a terrible toll on your body.
Time can be your friend or your enemy. Choose wisely.

Reinforcement of these toxic affirmations comes again and again as you

are repeatedly drawn to people who treat you exactly the way you believe
you deserve: badly. If you don’t have the self awareness that only you can
turn this cycle around, you are doomed to a miserable, self-fulfilling
prophecy of disastrous, unfulfilling relationships leaving you void of true
intimacy and peace.

In addition, the potential for greatness that has always been within you
will remain hostage to this lie, leaving all your gifts such as creativity
undeveloped. This is a tragedy for everyone. When you believe you are
unworthy or inferior and not strong enough to change, you are right where
those who want control over you to be: immobilized, insecure and non#threatening.
Also, although they’re the ones who created the problems
within you, they might also be furious with you for being such a ‘loser.’
Why? Because they see themselves and it’s not pretty.
What does any of this have to do with being codependent? It created the
framework in your mind that in order to be loved, you had the impossible
task of trying to extract affection and approval from people who would not
or could not give it to you. As a result, you grew into a highly controlling
person as you constantly tried to create a scenario that would make you feel
loved or at least liked.

Please remember that forgiving does not mean you let those people you
are forgiving continue to treat you badly if they’re still in your life. That’s
not forgiveness, it’s enabling. Watch your boundaries and your actions.
Forgiving also doesn’t mean reconciliation. It’s strictly for your own peace
of mind at the time of your choosing. It is entirely possible that even after
you forgive a person, you will never have a relationship with him or her in
order to protect your own wellbeing. Building bridges is not the goal.
Freedom from the burden of hanging on to non-forgiveness i

There may people and events that are simply too awful to forgive for
now. I encourage you to keep working on it. Again, it is never about giving
the other person a pass or confusing the act of forgiveness with the idea that
somehow you’re weak by letting them ‘off the hook.’ It’s taking away any
power those people had over you by constantly getting you upset or
behaving and thinking in a dysfunctional way. One way to go about this is
to put aside what you think is fair and just say the words, “I forgive you.”
Say it often. Ask for the strength to mean it one day. Keep trying. I am
willing to bet that over time - it may be a long time, but what is the effort
really costing you? - you will begin to see them differently. You will see
little glimpses of why they were so terrible to you. Who hurt them? Again,
this isn’t giving anyone a pass. It’s only allowing you to break free, little by
little, of the grip they had over you

But what if the person you are trying to forgive is still hurting you?
Remember, forgiving is the LAST step in your healing process. If you’re
involved with someone who is stealing your happiness and treating you
badly, forgiveness is premature. You first have to work on developing the
strength to speak up, protect yourself (and your children) and create some
ground rules or boundaries. You’re going to have to make tough decisions.
Do you want this relationship to work? Is it too dangerous and hopelessly
damaged to salvage? The first item of business is your safety. If you do fear
for your safety, make a plan. Get help for yourself and if need be, leave so
that you have a chance to heal and start fresh. Forgiveness is given only
after you’ve gotten out of the situation or it has been resolved, you have had
time to heal and your partner has agreed to work with you to turn the
relationship around.

I’ll share a little secret with you. It has caused me terrible shame over
the years. When I was about eight years old, I was molested by a deeply
disturbed babysitter. It’s still hard for me to talk about but it’s important
here. I saw her years later when I attended my father’s funeral. When I
spotted her homely face in the room, I literally got nauseous and had to go
outside. Over the years, I have been able to forgive a lot of people
eventually. The very thought, though, of this perverted woman still made
my stomach turn. She disgusts me because she stole my innocence and
distorted my view of myself. Yet, I force myself to flex those forgiveness
muscles even for her. Why? Because if I don’t she will always have that
sickening effect over me and I won’t allow it. Forgiving her means I can put
her and those loathsome memories in the ground and walk away. I’m still
working on it because I’m determined to have peace about it. It was my
choice to do so but it’s one I have to make every time her memory floats
into my head.
Forgiving my mother was hard, but when dementia began stealing her
from us bit by bit, day by day, it became a ridiculous notion to hold on to
old hurts. I forgave her, over and over again. Forgiving my dad was easy
when as an adult I saw what a sad, broken man he really was. It was the
easiest act of mercy I have ever experienced. After decades of fuming at my
ex, I finally decided to forgive him so I could be a happier person. I knew
he wasn’t giving me a second thought, so why should I waste my limited
energy on him? And that college guy, I just feel pity for him. These are all
chapters of my old life that have nothing to do with who I am now.
Forgiving was the key that opened the door to freedom.

The energy you are burning up by continuing to secretly rage at people

could be used for so much more fulfilling things like playing with your
children, being creative, being able to concentrate better at your job,
helping another (in a well adjusted way, of course) or being still and
enjoying a quiet moment. There is a saying that holding on to hate (or
unforgiveness) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other guy to die.
This sums this section up perfectly. It’s a complicated and difficult topic.
Only you can determine what is right for you. In the end, it is the easier path.

Now the really hard work begins: making the changes which will help
you reclaim your life. The reason this part is so difficult is because it
requires four commitments people like us can’t easily make:
1. Setting aside time to concentrate on your own well being.
Codependents are historically not very good at doing this. You will
be fighting your own, non-stop, reasoning mind which will tell you
there isn’t time, you don’t have the energy and you already know
what to do.
2. Being willing to see yourself from a new perspective. This will also
be hard because you’ve spent your entire life with a distorted
concept of who you are.
3. You have got to be ready to go from knowing in your head to
actually doing. This may be the hardest of all because all those
automatic behaviors - while not leading to the positive outcomes
you hoped for - are natural to you. Nevertheless, you are going to
have to do things that go completely against your nature such as not
striving for perfection. There is no one right way or answer. It’s all
unique to you. You can’t let your feelings of guilt run your actions
because you think you’re not doing it perfectly enough. Everything
that is codependency is going to be working against you here.
4. Most important of all, you have to believe you can be transformed
into the healthy being you want to become. You must be able to see
yourself with a fresh and balanced mind, a vibrant body and
lifestyle.
Do you want this or not? Are you willing to stop making excuses, get
past self-pity, guilt and the ever-present hopelessness you live with and do
the real work of healing?

guide to healing
Categories
Section I - Grieving The Past
Section II - Your Mind
Section III - Your Body
Section IV - Your Soul
Section V - Your Environment

Painful realities including addiction,

abuse, trauma and endless shaming made it necessary for you to create a
barrier in your mind so as not feel so much.
One effective coping mechanism, as shown previously, is to minimize
(they didn’t mean it, it wasn’t that bad, I probably deserved it.) Blocking,
which results in amnesia is also common. Now it is time to open the gate to
the wall, step out and look those old memories in the eye.

4 characteristics of codepencency addiction, abuse, trauma and shame.

Remember, coming to grips with and grieving your past is freeing.

Getting stuck there will cost you your futur

Instead of spitting out a defensive response, you say something

like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “Excuse me” or my favorite, “You’re
right” (because nothing throws a person looking for a fight off faster than
being agreed with) and head out of the room. Or you may speak in a calm
way expressing what’s on your mind in a non-attack mode.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.

Conscious breathing is my anchor.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

“Another simple but highly effective way of finding space in your life is
closely linked to the breath. You will find that by feeling the subtle flow of
air in and out of the body, as well as the rise and fall of your chest and
abdomen, you are also becoming aware of the inner body…..Most people
are so distracted by their thoughts so identified with the voices in their
heads; they can no longer feel the aliveness within them….you then begin to
look not only for substitutes for that natural state of well-being within, but
also for something to cover up the continuous unease that you feel…some of
the substitutes people seek out are drug-induced highs, excessively loud
music, thrills or dangerous activities or an obsession with sex. Even drama
in relationships is used as a substitute for the genuine sense of aliveness.”
You can see clearly how, even though he doesn’t use the word,
codependency is all part of this search for feeling alive. He goes on to talk
about how to breathe:
“Take two or three couscous breaths. Now see if you can detect a subtle
sense of aliveness that pervades your entire inner body….Feel your hands,
then your arms, feet and legs. Can you feel your abdomen, chest, neck and
head? Then become aware again of the inner body as a whole. You may
want to close your eyes initially for this practice and once you can feel your
body, open your eyes, look around and continue to feel your body at the
same time.”