what is my life all about. What have i become.

I have become a person i hate the

fucking most. Why cause of all the mistakes i have made i am really not able to
forgive myself. and the fucking thoughts that are popping in my mind that i feel
like gay and i am overthinking every stuff. I definitely have a fucking pure ocd. I
heard that one guy from 1960’s or something tried to kil himself with gun in his
head and shot cause he can’t take this ocd and same for me if i had gun i would
have shot myself in some fucking village area where my parent wouldn’t have to
carry my lifeless body after i die. I don’t want them to see me in that condition
ever. But i really don’t want to live either. Am i making an excuse again about
dying and just living like a shit.

Why do i have so much social anxiety. Cause i don’t value myself . Why don’t i
value myself. cause i have broken every fucking promises and hurt the people i
care. made them cry because of me. Making them sad every time. Making festival
sallow. i am struggling to even live a life fr rn. i have no friends in clz cause
there is a table where 6 people can easily sit while eating and i am sitting alone
while all my classmates are in there forming like 5 groups and i am there alone
shaking my hand while eating cause i don’t want to be there anymore. I hate that
situation but i am the one that caused that situation. You know how amazing life
would have been if i had done things differently. I had the most caring person who
tried to block a fucking bus charging toward me while i was trying to cover my
head. I do hate myself don’t i . see i don’t want to totally give up in life cause
if i really overcome this shit on my own. It will level up myself and i would not
have to make people sitting beside me awkard every time. does my writing even mean
anything. Does this shit i am writing change anything positive in my life. No it’s
just like talking and not doing actions. This fucking porn and sex thinking had
really fucked up my life. So if i am really serious about being the person i am
proud of then i won’t have any fucking sex till 30-35. fuck this thought sala mug
nibu yaad garera xa rando zasto yesto kura ma. machichi ko zhol sala i hate myself
again.