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♪♪

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[cheering]

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[announcer]
Give it up for Jimmy O. Yang!

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[cheering]

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♪♪

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Look at you beautiful people!

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[cheering]

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Oh, my God!

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Look at you guys.

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It's good to be back.
It's good to be back

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seeing all of your beautiful faces!

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Give it up for yourselves, man,
for being here tonight.

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- [cheering]
- Thank you.

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I love you guys.
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I appreciate you guys.

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And Asian people,
where we at? Asian people?

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- [cheering]
- Look at this!

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Look at you guys.

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This is great.
I'm so proud of my Asian people.

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There's so much excellence out there
going on,

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a lot of people representin'!

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It's never been a better time
to be Asian.

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I say this every year, I know.

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[laughter]

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But truly, this is our time.

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I mean, come on, we got BTS now.
Come on!

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- [cheering]
- That's us, that's our people
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They're doing it.
I'm so proud of them.

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Man, biggest band in the world.
Probably ever.

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Since the Backstreet Boys
and they don't have to speak English!

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[laughter]

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I love my BTS, man,
even white people know BTS now.

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That's progress.

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That's progress.

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I had a 15-year-old white kid
come up to me trying to explain to me

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the different members of BTS.

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He was like, "Oh, this is Jung Kook,
he's kinda like the lead singer,

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and that's Jimin and he's really cool
and he also raps."

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I'm like,
"Dude, they look the same to me."

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[laughter]

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I didn't want to say it.

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I couldn't say it as an Asian person.

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But they all just look like me.

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With pink hair.

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I can turn the whole show
to a BTS concert right now.

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All right?

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Yeah. This is... this is Jimmy.

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This is Jimin. Right here.
You don't know.

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- [laughter]
- You have not... You don't know.

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You don't know.

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♪ Smooth like butter... ♪

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- No, I'm not going to do...
- [cheering]

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I'm not doing it,
I'm not doing it.
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[cheering]

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I love my people, man, I love BTS.

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You guys probably heard in the news,
they gotta go to mandatory Korean Army.

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Right? The most popular people
in the world,

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they gotta go sign up for Korean military.

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That's some gangsta shit.

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[laughter]

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Imagine how scared you'll be when
you encounter BTS on the battlefield.

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[laughter]

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You're in battle,
you're already kinda shook.

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You're in a field of grass...

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and a little puff of pink hair
just pops up.

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[laughter]

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You're like, "Yo, what the fuck was that?"

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Is that a unicorn?"

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And then six more pink hair pop up.
You're like, "We're surrounded!"

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And the last thing you see
is just this.

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[laughter]

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That's some gangsta shit.

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[cheering]

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I'm proud of my people, man.
I'm proud of my people.

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You know, a lot of great
representation out there.

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I see some of you guys
still wearing your masks.

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I still wear my mask.
No shame in that, right?

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It's all good. It's all good.

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I wear my mask not because I think
I'm gonna get sick,

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But because I just don't want to talk
to anybody anymore.

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[laughter]

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But I'm still surprised.

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When people come up to me,
they're like, "Oh, my God. Jimmy?!"

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I'm like, "How did you know?"

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[laughter]

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How did you know?

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How many other Asian guys
did you go up to...

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[laughter]

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...before it happened to me.

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You don't know. You don't know.

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Underneath this mask,
I could be Awkwafina.

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- You don't know.
- [laughter]

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[chuckles]
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Hey, look, I'm not saying that all
Asian people look alike, okay?

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I'm just saying that me
and Awkwafina look alike.

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[laughter]

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And we both look like we should be in BTS.

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[laughter]

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I love all the representation
out there, man.

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But it's not just celebrities.

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I'm very proud of the everyday people
out there representin'!

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That's the important part,
you know what I mean?

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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I'm very happy for
this one particular person.

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I'm really happy for
that old Chinese lady in Chinatown,

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who's been wearing a mask since 1995.
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[laughter]

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Her life just suddenly made sense.

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[laughter]

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Before the mask mandate,
everybody just looked at her, was like,

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"Eww, why she wearing a mask?

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That's so random."

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She's not random,
she's a fucking trailblazer. Okay?

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She started wearing a mask,
now everybody has to wear a mask.

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She's like
the Kendall Jenner of Chinatown.

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She must've been so happy
when this mask mandate happened,

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just laughing at everyone.

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It's like, "Haha. Look at you idiots."

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[laughter]

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"I told you to put on a mask!

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Now the CDC follows me!"

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[laughter]

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She was prepared.
She didn't just have a mask,

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she had gloves on for when she's driving.

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She had the full face-shield that
comes down, looking like Daft Punk.

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[laughter]

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That's my girl right there, man.

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Asian people, we're ready for this shit.

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Social distancing?

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We've been doing that for centuries.

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We don't like all that hugging
and touching and all that.

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You know when we see each other,
just a nice bow. That is...

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That is socially distanced.

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If you're really Asian, you ever see two
really Asian people,

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it turns into a bowing contest.
To see who's more respectful.

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To see who could bow lower,
and more away from each other.

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Until you're just folded in half
and you go home.

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[laughter]

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That's social distancing, people.

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- [cheering]
- That's right. That's right.

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If the pandemic has taught us anything,

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it's everybody should be
a little more Asian.

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[laughter]

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A lot of people in this country,
Americans, you know,

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like, we're not ready for this.
All the rules? We're rebels, man.

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We don't like following rules!
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People are like freaking out,
they're like, "Mask mandate?! No!"

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[laughter]

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I'm like, "Dude, it's just a mask,
just put on a mask."

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They're like, "It's not just a mask,
it's the government."

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[laughter]

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"Yeah, it's the government
fear-mongering."

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I'm like, "What is that?"

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They're like, "Yeah, it's fear mongering.
They want you to be scared of everything

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so you're obedient and you're scared
and you follow the rules."

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I'm like, "Oh, that's called
fear mongering?

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Then my mom must've invented fear
mongering."

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- [cheering]
- Huh.

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I didn't even know
that's what it's called.

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Ever since I was five years old,
my mom had me believe that

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anything I'd do would make me sick.

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[laughter]

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You go outside without a jacket,
you get the flu.

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[laughter]

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You go to bed with the fan on, pneumonia!

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[laughter]

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God forbid you fall asleep with wet hair.

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You don't wake up. That's it.
You're dead. That's it.

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You're dead.

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That's fear-mongering, man.

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[cheering]

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I'm not scared of anything anymore.
I don't have any fear anymore.
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I used to watch that show Fear Factor

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- You guys remember that show?
- [cheering]

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That Joe Rogan hosted... Fear Factor,

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they make you face your fears
like jump off a helicopter,

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eat crazy shit, like pig intestines
and century egg.

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I ate that shit for breakfast.

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[laughter]

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This is nothing to me.
Fear is not a factor.

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[laughter]

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I do remember when I was ten years old,
little boy.

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I was very scared because there was
this one kid, pretty sad story.

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In my class,
he had childhood leukemia.

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And then he lost all his hair
to chemo and everything.
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Looking real frail.

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And I was really scared,
I was like, "Oh, my God,

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is he gonna be okay?"

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And my mom, she's a great mother.

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She saw how scared I was,
so she came up to console me,

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She was like, "Jimmy-ya...

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Jimmy-ya...

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You see... this is what happens
when you play too much video games."

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[laughter]

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That's fear-mongering, okay?

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I never played a game of FIFA after that.

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My mom was like the original fake news.

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[laughter]

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It's good to see everyone here, man.
I think collectively as people,

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we've all been through a lot
in the last few years, man!

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- [cheering]
- Didn't we?

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And we made it out.
We made it out.

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We're better for it, you know?

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I feel like I mentally aged
like, 20 years.

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Like, the first day I walked outside,
for some reason,

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I just walked out
like an old Chinese man.

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I just came out of my house like this.

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[laughter]

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I was wearing flip-flops
and a puffer vest.

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My outfit made no sense.

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My feet were cold, chest sweat.

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My posture looked like shit
but I was still judging everyone.

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I was just like...

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I'm an old man now.

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I don't even like going outside anymore.

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All my friends,
they're back to normal, right?

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They're like,
"Oh, Jimmy, you want to go to Coachella?"

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I'm like, "Nah... no seats."

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[laughter]

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I don't...

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That doesn't look fun to me!

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Six hours standing in the desert!

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Fuck that!

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And you see all these kids,
like, with their Instagram posts,

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you know it's always, like, people just,
like, jumping around,
226
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dancing, and all of these buff dudes
got, like, girls on their shoulder.

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I'm like, "Dude, you're not even going to
a concert,

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you're doing CrossFit. How's that fun?

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[laughter]

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The only concert I've been to this year,

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I took my girlfriend to
a Don McLean concert.

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[wooing]

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Yeah. You guys know who that is?

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- [cheering]
- Yeah. A couple people. Thank you.

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Don McLean, for you guys that don't know,

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sang the song,
"Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie".

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[laughter]

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Yeah, he's old as shit, dude.

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He's 77 years old and so was his audience.

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It was my favorite concert
I've ever been to.

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On the ticket it said
the show started at eight.

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It started at 7:59.

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[laughter]

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He didn't have an opener.

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You know, he just came on stage
with a guitar and started singing.

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It was awesome.
Nobody stood up to like, obstruct my view

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because frankly, everyone had a bad hip.

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- [laughter]
- It was great.

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Still got home in time to watch
the 10 o'clock evening news

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That's my kind of evening.
You know what I mean?

251
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,770
I don't like going outside anymore.
Too many crazy people, too many weirdos.

252
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,860
One time I went to this dive bar.

253
00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,450
In a military town, San Diego,
big military town.

254
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:17,410
I love my military, okay?

255
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,630
But I think sometimes... yeah, yeah,
but I think sometimes,

256
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:24,250
military people get
a little too passionate.

257
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,750
- [man screams]
- You know?

258
00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:27,370
Thank you. Thank you.

259
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:28,420
[laughter]

260
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:29,840
Exactly my point right there.

261
00:11:30,030 --> 00:11:30,960
- [laughter]
- Thank you.

262
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,170
I love military,
but they're just too passionate.

263
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:36,050
Like I was at a dive bar,
this one military brother came up to me,

264
00:11:36,250 --> 00:11:37,230
he was just like, "Hey, man!

265
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,030
I want to buy you a drink."

266
00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:43,850
I'm like, "No, no, thank you.
I can buy my own drink. Thank you."

267
00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:47,120
He was like,
"No! I want to buy you a drink."

268
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,730
So at this point, I thought either
he wanted to take a selfie,

269
00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:53,280
or he wanted to fuck me.

270
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,190
[laughter]

271
00:11:55,390 --> 00:11:57,910
So I'm like, "No, sir.
I think I can buy my own drink."

272
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,910
And he starts telling me
his whole life story,

273
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,370
he's like, "You don't understand!

274
00:12:01,570 --> 00:12:03,290
I want to buy you a drink.

275
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,600
Because I was stationed
in Okinawa for four years.

276
00:12:07,430 --> 00:12:09,580
And you guys have been
nothing but nice to me."

277
00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:11,390
[laughter]

278
00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:20,610
I'm like, "You guys"?
"You guys"?

279
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,640
"Okinawa's in Japan. I'm Chinese, sir."

280
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,350
[laughter]

281
00:12:25,550 --> 00:12:28,350
He was like, "It doesn't matter, man,
it doesn't even matter."

282
00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:29,730
[laughter]

283
00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,660
I'm like, "Sir, I think it does matter,
all right?

284
00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:36,070
I'm pretty sure the only reason
you were stationed in Japan,

285
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:38,740
was to keep an eye out
on Chinese people like me."

286
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:40,610
[laughter]

287
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:41,780
"It does matter."

288
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,660
He was like,
"It doesn't even matter, man.

289
00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:45,830
I still love pad thai, okay?"

290
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:48,100
[laughter]

291
00:12:50,310 --> 00:12:53,190
Maybe that guy will run into BTS
on his next tour, who knows?

292
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,840
My point of saying all of this,
is Asian people,

293
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,430
we don't all look alike.

294
00:13:00,630 --> 00:13:02,140
We don't all sound alike,

295
00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:04,300
you know, we don't even...
we don't do anything alike.

296
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,430
Because we're just people.
You know? Right?

297
00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:07,770
Like, everybody's different.

298
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,100
Thank you, white lady. Thank you.

299
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,020
Thank you, one white lady.
Appreciate it.

300
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,330
Thank you.

301
00:13:12,830 --> 00:13:15,750
She teaches magnet school down the street,
a lot of Asian students.

302
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,800
So tonight, I want to offer you guys
an advanced lesson

303
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,700
on how to tell Asian people apart, okay?

304
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:27,790
[laughter]

305
00:13:27,990 --> 00:13:28,830
Yeah, that's right.

306
00:13:29,030 --> 00:13:32,140
I'm so good at telling Asian people apart,
I don't even have to look at you.

307
00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:35,540
I could tell you what kind of
Asian somebody is

308
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:38,800
by the sound they make
when they're disappointed.

309
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,770
[laughter]

310
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:46,010
'Cause disappointment is
our strongest emotion.

311
00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:49,390
Whenever you get disappointed,
our ancestor just comes out.

312
00:13:49,590 --> 00:13:51,870
And you can't hide that, you know?

313
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,440
Like, for example, I'm Chinese,
I know Chinese people very well, okay?

314
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,320
When Chinese people get disappointed,
we're just disgusted.

315
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,040
We don't even want to look at you.

316
00:14:02,130 --> 00:14:04,110
When you disappoint a Chinese person,
they're just like...

317
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,130
[exclaims]

318
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:07,680
[shushes]

319
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:13,000
Like they just walked into a smokey room
and they gotta clear it,

320
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,270
- just like, pssshhhh...
- [laughter]

321
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,060
See, that's Chinese people.

322
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,430
Japanese people, when Japanese people
get disappointed,

323
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,070
they just want to know why.

324
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:26,890
They ask you a question.

325
00:14:27,090 --> 00:14:29,600
When a Japanese person gets disappointed,
they're just like,

326
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:30,680
"Eh?"

327
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,990
[laughter]

328
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,080
"Eh?"

329
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:36,870
And that's it.

330
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,250
You go and disappoint a Korean person,
331
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,320
I wouldn't recommend that.

332
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,010
[laughter]

333
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,300
'Cause Korean brother might fuck you up,
okay?

334
00:14:50,220 --> 00:14:52,000
Korean people are intense,
they're ready to fight.

335
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,370
But they're my favorite type of people
because they're very emotionally honest.

336
00:14:55,570 --> 00:14:58,380
A Korean person will let you know
when they're disappointed.

337
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,210
They're real guttural,
you know what I mean?

338
00:15:00,410 --> 00:15:03,420
When you disappoint a Korean person,
they're like... [exclaims]

339
00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:05,010
[laughter]

340
00:15:05,210 --> 00:15:06,570
[exclaims]

341
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,930
But they're still very Asian
so they're still real polite,

342
00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:12,890
they'll thank you at the end.

343
00:15:13,090 --> 00:15:15,850
They're like... [exclaims in Korean]
344
00:15:16,050 --> 00:15:17,790
[laughter]

345
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:24,590
I don't even speak Korean.

346
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:27,700
But I watch Squid Games.

347
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:31,340
- [cheering]
-Right? Love that show.

348
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:36,000
You see, that's great representation.
Number one TV show in the world, man!

349
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,210
And they spoke the native tongue,
that's representation, right there, man.

350
00:15:39,410 --> 00:15:40,710
- I'm proud of them.
- [cheering]

351
00:15:40,910 --> 00:15:42,560
I'm proud of them. That's right.

352
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:49,550
But I'm most proud of the fact that I
finally have an easy Halloween costume.

353
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,100
[laughter]

354
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,020
Some of you guys don't understand
the struggle

355
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,780
for an an Asian guy
when it comes to Halloween.

356
00:15:56,370 --> 00:15:57,540
Our outfits are limited.
357
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,020
I was Bruce Lee for six years.

358
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:01,710
[laughter]

359
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,360
But this last year,
I had the best Halloween costume.

360
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,320
All I did, I went on Amazon,
got like a matching tracksuit,

361
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,490
put three numbers on my chest,

362
00:16:11,690 --> 00:16:13,740
and I found myself an Indian friend.

363
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,260
- He was...
- [laughter]

364
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:20,420
It was such a great Squid Gamecostume,
somebody came up to me,

365
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,500
he was like, "Oh, my God,
you look just like the girl

366
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,000
in Squid Games!

367
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,400
[laughter]

368
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:32,780
I was like... [exclaims in Korean]

369
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,350
I'm proud of all the representation
out there, man.

370
00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:40,540
Mm, that's right.

371
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:43,400
Any of you guys seen the show
Silicon Valley?

372
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,290
-[cheering]
-Thank you.Thank you.

373
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,990
Thank you.

374
00:16:49,190 --> 00:16:50,660
That was my first big break, man.

375
00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:52,950
I was so grateful to be
a part of that show.

376
00:16:53,150 --> 00:16:55,240
But that was a few years ago
and I always felt like

377
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,790
I was the only Asian person
representin', right?

378
00:16:57,990 --> 00:16:59,710
I felt so much weight on my shoulders.

379
00:16:59,910 --> 00:17:03,250
Like, every year, we got very lucky.
We got nominated for an Emmy.

380
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:05,420
So we get to go to a great ceremony.

381
00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:07,260
But every year we knew
we were going to lose.

382
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,340
[laughter]

383
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:11,050
Because all the good shows have
front row seats, you know?

384
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,800
Veep, Game of Thronesall here.

385
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,100
We're way the fuck in the back
by the exit sign.

386
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,910
[laughter]

387
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,100
But it's okay.
Win or lose, I was there to represent.

388
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,350
I made sure I made my rounds,

389
00:17:21,550 --> 00:17:25,320
Say hi to everyone, so they know
there's Asian presence, you know?

390
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,190
- [cheering]
- That's right.

391
00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:30,240
So one year, one year, after we lost,
everybody left,

392
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,450
I walked down to front row,
to say hi to some of my favorite actors.

393
00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:35,490
And I saw someone, I'm like,
"Oh, my God, that's...

394
00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,830
that's Emilia Clarke.
That's Khaleesi.

395
00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:39,830
That's Jon Snow over there, you know?
396
00:17:40,030 --> 00:17:42,620
And there's Rachel Brosnahan.
Do you guys know who she is?

397
00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:44,000
- [cheering]
- Yeah.

398
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,750
I love her. She plays
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

399
00:17:46,950 --> 00:17:47,750
Great show, right?

400
00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:49,260
- [cheering]
- It's an awesome show.

401
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:51,430
And I did a movie
with her a few years ago,

402
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:53,220
so I decided to say hi,
I was like, "Oh, my God,

403
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,720
Rachel, it's so great to see you,
congratulations on everything."

404
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,910
And she was like, "Oh. Okay."

405
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,850
And I'm like, "Okay, she probably
just forgot who I was."

406
00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:05,610
I'm like, "Look, we did a movie like
six years ago called Patriots Day.

407
00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:07,190
You were awesome in that movie.

408
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:10,030
I just want to congratulate you
in everything you've done so far."

409
00:18:10,230 --> 00:18:12,550
And she was like, [chuckles]
"Yeah, sure."

410
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,450
And I'm like, "Oh. Really..."

411
00:18:15,650 --> 00:18:17,410
[laughter]

412
00:18:17,610 --> 00:18:20,120
Is The Marvelous Mrs. Maisela bitch?

413
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:21,810
[laughter]

414
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,800
But I wasn't gonna act out of pocket,
I was there to represent.

415
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,340
[laughter]

416
00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:32,340
So I was very nice.

417
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,390
I was just like, "Oh, it's okay,
you just don't remember, um,

418
00:18:35,590 --> 00:18:38,050
anyways, I just want to congratulate you
for all the nominations

419
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,770
on Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
You're awesome."

420
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:42,640
And she was like, "Oh...

421
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,730
I'm not Rachel Brosnahan."

422
00:18:44,930 --> 00:18:46,870
[laughter]

423
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,480
"I'm Evan Rachel Wood from Westworld."

424
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,000
[laughter]

425
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,340
And I was like, "Holy shit!"

426
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,570
I'm the racist person here.

427
00:18:56,770 --> 00:18:58,030
[laughter]

428
00:18:58,230 --> 00:19:00,090
I think all white people look alike.

429
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,460
[cheering]

430
00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:05,500
Everyone in the front row was judging me.

431
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,210
Jon Snow was staring me down.

432
00:19:07,410 --> 00:19:08,960
I'm like, "You're a bastard,
you can't even stare."

433
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,460
[laughter]

434
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:11,840
And I didn't know what to do right?

435
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,260
I profusely sweating,
my face was flush red,
436
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,590
So I'm like,
"Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

437
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:18,850
But either way, it's so nice to meet you.

438
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:20,390
My name is Awkwafina."
And I just...

439
00:19:20,590 --> 00:19:22,320
[laughter]

440
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:26,870
That's right.

441
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,750
That's why it's good to have other
representation out there.

442
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,030
Asian people, we don't all look alike.

443
00:19:36,230 --> 00:19:37,700
Until we need to.

444
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:39,590
[laughter]

445
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:43,750
I got a girlfriend now.

446
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,140
- [cheering]
- Thank you.

447
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,960
I love her very much, man,
she's an amazing person.

448
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,170
She's very successful.
My girlfriend's a venture capitalist.
449
00:19:53,370 --> 00:19:54,210
[oohing]

450
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,170
Yeah, fucking jackpot, right? You know?

451
00:19:56,370 --> 00:19:57,630
[laughter]

452
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:58,800
It's great. It's great.

453
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,010
Uh, for you guys that don't know what
a venture capital means,

454
00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:03,680
uh, it means that I'm
the poorest person she knows.

455
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,430
[laughter]

456
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:08,140
And what that really means is
I'm her sugar baby.

457
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,270
So it's great.

458
00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:11,020
- [cheering]
- That's right. That's right.

459
00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:13,500
Gender equality!
That's what I'm talking about.

460
00:20:14,290 --> 00:20:16,280
It's time for men to get taken care of,
that's right.

461
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,030
See that brother high-fiving his girl?
Appreciate you, man.
462
00:20:19,230 --> 00:20:20,910
Fellow sugar baby. Come on.

463
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,780
That's right. That's right.

464
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:23,870
I love her, man.

465
00:20:24,070 --> 00:20:25,790
I'm tryin'... I'm tryin' to be
a better boyfriend.

466
00:20:25,990 --> 00:20:28,210
I'm new to this, like,
boyfriend stuff, right?

467
00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:30,790
I used to take everything so personally.

468
00:20:30,990 --> 00:20:32,250
Like, every time we get into a fight,

469
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:34,770
I'm like, "Babe, why are you...
why are you mad at me?"

470
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:37,630
I'm the perfect boyfriend."

471
00:20:37,830 --> 00:20:38,840
[laughter]

472
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,140
Wrong answer.

473
00:20:40,330 --> 00:20:41,600
[laughter]

474
00:20:41,790 --> 00:20:42,720
Fellas, fellas,

475
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,810
if your girl's mad at you,
you can't take that shit personally.
476
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:47,660
Because it's not even about you.

477
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:50,770
She doesn't even know what
she's mad about.

478
00:20:50,970 --> 00:20:51,980
[laughter]

479
00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:54,330
You just happen to be there,
you know what I mean?

480
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,190
You're a victim of circumstance, man.

481
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:58,900
[laughter]

482
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,360
So it's not your job to engage
in an argument,

483
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,080
it's your job to diffuse the situation.

484
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,140
You gotta jiu-jitsu that shit

485
00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:09,600
until you get to
the bottom of the real problem.

486
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,250
Like the other week, she was mad at me
about something,

487
00:21:12,450 --> 00:21:14,420
she was like, "Babe, I feel like
we don't even go on

488
00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:16,170
like date nights anymore."
489
00:21:16,370 --> 00:21:17,460
I'm like, "Okay."

490
00:21:17,660 --> 00:21:19,510
[laughter]

491
00:21:19,710 --> 00:21:20,550
"I hear you."

492
00:21:20,750 --> 00:21:22,590
[laughter]

493
00:21:22,790 --> 00:21:24,260
"But what's really going on?"

494
00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:26,200
[laughter]

495
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:31,980
And she was like, "Well, sometimes
I feel like you like hanging out

496
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:34,440
with your buddies more than you like
hanging out with me."

497
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,370
And I'm like, "Okay...

498
00:21:37,710 --> 00:21:38,650
I hear you."

499
00:21:38,850 --> 00:21:40,200
[laughter]

500
00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,780
"But what's really going on?"

501
00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:43,590
[laughter]

502
00:21:47,970 --> 00:21:49,700
And then she takes a deep breath.

503
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:51,080
And she goes like,

504
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,680
[exhales]

505
00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:54,920
"Remember last week at my birthday?

506
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,840
Heather brought a cousin
and she didn't even know my name."

507
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,250
I was like, "See, that's your problem
right there."

508
00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:00,690
[laughter]

509
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,070
It ain't got nothin' to do with me!

510
00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:07,100
Heather's cousin's a bitch, you know,
fuck her, man.

511
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:09,120
Let's focus our energy on her.

512
00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:14,900
Tryin' to be a better communicator, man.

513
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:17,540
My girl always wants me
to talk about my feelings.

514
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,070
She's like, "Babe, I wish you would talk
about your feelings more."

515
00:22:21,270 --> 00:22:22,860
I'm like, "I feel fine."

516
00:22:23,060 --> 00:22:24,960
[laughter]
517
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:27,200
What more do you want me to say?

518
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,700
I don't know,
I'm not that emotionally involved...

519
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:30,260
I don't know what else... I'm fine.

520
00:22:31,140 --> 00:22:32,870
But don't keep asking me that.

521
00:22:33,070 --> 00:22:35,750
'Cause the fifth time you ask me that,
I might not be fine.

522
00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:36,960
[laughter]

523
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,300
The fifth time you ask me that,
she has some dark shit

524
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:40,610
that's gonna come out.

525
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:42,590
It's like, "Babe, how are you feeling?"

526
00:22:42,790 --> 00:22:44,900
"I don't know, I'm angry all the time.

527
00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:48,430
Because my dad yelled at me
after ping pong practice."

528
00:22:48,630 --> 00:22:50,570
[laughter]

529
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,100
See, guys and girls,
we're just different, man.

530
00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:57,690
Girls are so emotionally evolved.

531
00:22:57,890 --> 00:22:59,940
You know, we even hang out different.

532
00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:01,740
One night, I came home early.

533
00:23:01,930 --> 00:23:04,240
My girl was having a girl's night
at the house.

534
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,320
I've never seen anything like that.

535
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,070
[laughter]

536
00:23:08,270 --> 00:23:09,870
The TV was off.

537
00:23:10,070 --> 00:23:12,430
Seven girls sitting in a circle.

538
00:23:13,430 --> 00:23:16,140
Making direct eye contact with each other.

539
00:23:17,060 --> 00:23:19,460
Every candle in the house was lit.

540
00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:21,090
[laughter]

541
00:23:21,290 --> 00:23:23,970
And I walked by, I'm like,
"What is this witchcraft?"

542
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:25,340
[laughter]

543
00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:27,110
And I just backed into my own room.

544
00:23:28,690 --> 00:23:31,100
Fellas, we hang out different.

545
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:34,370
Guys, when we hang out,
we sit in a straight line.

546
00:23:35,870 --> 00:23:37,940
TV on full blast.

547
00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:40,330
Zero eye contact with each other.

548
00:23:41,330 --> 00:23:43,690
My girl came home early,
she was so confused.

549
00:23:43,890 --> 00:23:47,070
She was like, "Babe, you guys
didn't talk for like, six hours."

550
00:23:47,270 --> 00:23:49,160
I'm like,
"Yeah, isn't that fuckin' awesome?!"

551
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:51,760
[cheering]

552
00:23:53,260 --> 00:23:55,560
That's us. That's guys.

553
00:23:58,350 --> 00:24:01,710
But in a relationship, it's important
to speak the same language.

554
00:24:01,910 --> 00:24:03,920
My girl asked me, she was like,
"Babe...

555
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,510
what's your love language?"

556
00:24:05,710 --> 00:24:07,010
[laughter]

557
00:24:07,210 --> 00:24:08,180
I'm like, "What?"
558
00:24:08,380 --> 00:24:09,590
[laughter]

559
00:24:09,790 --> 00:24:11,260
She's like,
"You know, your love language.

560
00:24:11,460 --> 00:24:14,220
Like, how do you convey love
to your partners and loved ones?

561
00:24:14,420 --> 00:24:18,270
Like for example, a love language
could be words of affirmation."

562
00:24:18,470 --> 00:24:21,520
[laughing] "Words of affirmation"?

563
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,230
[laughter]

564
00:24:23,430 --> 00:24:25,320
I was raised by Asian parents.

565
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:26,790
[laughter]

566
00:24:28,090 --> 00:24:31,090
I never heard one word
of affirmation in my life!

567
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,910
Nobody ever told me,
"Jimmy, you're so great, you can do it."

568
00:24:36,110 --> 00:24:37,540
They're like, "Don't fuck it up!"

569
00:24:37,740 --> 00:24:39,270
[laughter]

570
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,840
Their love language was verbal abuse.

571
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,770
[laughter]

572
00:24:46,940 --> 00:24:49,480
I'm trying to figure out
what my love language is.

573
00:24:50,150 --> 00:24:51,640
Physical touch?

574
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:53,560
Right? It's another love language.

575
00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:55,890
Nobody touched me till I was 22.

576
00:24:56,090 --> 00:24:58,530
- [laughter]
- I'm not familiar with that.

577
00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:03,080
What are some other love languages?

578
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,070
[crowd shouts indistinctly]

579
00:25:06,270 --> 00:25:07,340
Acts of ser...

580
00:25:08,090 --> 00:25:08,960
Well... [stammers]

581
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,920
[laughter]

582
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,120
I like... I like every woman
is just screaming out

583
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,450
"Act of... Act of service!"

584
00:25:17,650 --> 00:25:18,960
[laughter]

585
00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:20,460
"Gift giving!"

586
00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:22,350
[laughter]

587
00:25:23,270 --> 00:25:25,750
[laughs]

588
00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:29,590
I think gift giving is a good one, okay?
I love giving gifts to my girl.

589
00:25:29,790 --> 00:25:32,220
She loves giving gifts to me.
We love that, right?

590
00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:34,640
Like for example,
I love buying my girl shoes.

591
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,020
She loves shoes,
and we wear the same shoe size.

592
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:40,440
[laughter]

593
00:25:40,630 --> 00:25:43,190
The perfect gift for the whole family.
You know what I mean?

594
00:25:43,390 --> 00:25:45,150
These are her shoes tonight, you know?

595
00:25:45,350 --> 00:25:46,520
Fits me perfect.

596
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,320
[cheering]

597
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,780
That's right. And in return,

598
00:25:50,980 --> 00:25:52,760
I let her wear all my Jordans.
599
00:25:53,630 --> 00:25:55,370
Yeah, guys, you know that's love.

600
00:25:55,570 --> 00:25:58,330
'Cause Jordans to guys,
that's our most prized possession.

601
00:25:58,530 --> 00:26:00,960
If we let you slip into our Jordans,

602
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,790
that's like you letting us slip into you.

603
00:26:03,990 --> 00:26:06,890
- You know? Same thing.
- [laughter]

604
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,300
But sometimes,
sometimes I get a little nervous.

605
00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:13,720
Because her feet's a little dirty, okay?

606
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,760
[laughter]

607
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,890
And she's a white girl so her feet are
extra dirty, like, you know what I mean?

608
00:26:19,090 --> 00:26:20,640
- Like I don't know...
- [laughter]

609
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,490
White people, I don't know what the fuck
you guys do to your feet all day?

610
00:26:24,870 --> 00:26:26,310
You guys just barefoot all the time?

611
00:26:26,510 --> 00:26:29,280
Frolicking around like Jenny
from Forrest Gump, you know?
612
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,380
[laughter]

613
00:26:32,670 --> 00:26:35,420
White people, you guys got some
strong-ass feet, man.

614
00:26:36,550 --> 00:26:40,450
Just 120 degrees outside, hot cement,
just like, pssss...

615
00:26:40,650 --> 00:26:42,160
[laughter]

616
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,290
Y'all got some hunter-gatherer feet.

617
00:26:44,490 --> 00:26:46,350
[laughter]

618
00:26:47,980 --> 00:26:51,800
See, every culture, we got different feet
etiquette, all right?

619
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,720
White people want to get in touch
with Mother Earth. That's great.

620
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,760
[laughter]

621
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,260
Black people on the other hand,

622
00:26:58,460 --> 00:27:00,640
I lived with a Black roommate
for six years.

623
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,270
Never saw his toes once.

624
00:27:02,470 --> 00:27:04,290
[laughter]

625
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,610
He came out the shower with socks on, man!
I'm like, "W...what the...?"

626
00:27:08,810 --> 00:27:10,440
You got a sock drawer in there, brother?

627
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:11,880
[laughter]

628
00:27:14,420 --> 00:27:16,490
Asian people, you guys know the rule.

629
00:27:16,690 --> 00:27:18,830
When you come into the house,
you take your shoes off, right?

630
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:20,790
You're like, we all know that. Yeah.

631
00:27:20,980 --> 00:27:22,660
- Yeah.
- [cheering]

632
00:27:22,860 --> 00:27:25,430
But our... our feet actually
never touch the floor.

633
00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:27,670
'Cause when you take your shoes off
at the house,

634
00:27:27,870 --> 00:27:29,460
we got two pairs of house shoes
ready for you.

635
00:27:29,660 --> 00:27:30,710
[laughter]

636
00:27:30,910 --> 00:27:33,720
And then when you walk outside,
we got two pairs of Crocs ready for you.

637
00:27:33,910 --> 00:27:34,720
[laughter]

638
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,630
And then when you come back
in the bedroom,

639
00:27:36,830 --> 00:27:39,970
we got two other pairs of slippers
that we stole from a hotel in Vegas.

640
00:27:40,170 --> 00:27:42,310
[laughter]

641
00:27:42,510 --> 00:27:45,600
[cheering]

642
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:46,850
We're ready.

643
00:27:47,050 --> 00:27:48,690
Our feet never touch the floor,

644
00:27:48,890 --> 00:27:50,190
We got baby-soft feet.

645
00:27:50,390 --> 00:27:51,750
[laughter]

646
00:27:53,750 --> 00:27:56,240
I think Asian people, our most natural
love language

647
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,280
is act of service, right?

648
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,740
That's what our parents did to us,
they might never say, "I love you,"

649
00:28:01,940 --> 00:28:03,910
but they did a lot of nice things for us.

650
00:28:04,110 --> 00:28:06,500
Every... every night, I don't care
how busy my parents were,

651
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,620
they'll come home
and make a five-course meal.

652
00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:10,250
That's love right there, right?

653
00:28:10,450 --> 00:28:12,250
Yeah, give it up for them.
Give it up. That's right.

654
00:28:12,450 --> 00:28:15,730
[cheering]

655
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,800
In our culture, food is love.

656
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,350
I love cooking for my girl,
we love cooking together.

657
00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:22,760
Food is love.

658
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,520
That's why I hate watching all these
reality cooking shows.

659
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,240
When they make food so frickin' stressful.

660
00:28:28,910 --> 00:28:31,690
Like all these guys
with aggressive tattoos,

661
00:28:31,890 --> 00:28:33,440
and they're just sweating it
in the kitchen, they're like,

662
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,190
"Yes, Chef! Yes, Chef!

663
00:28:35,390 --> 00:28:38,200
Two minutes, two minutes,
it's still raw! It's still raw!"

664
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,450
And they're just making fucking scallops.
665
00:28:40,650 --> 00:28:42,620
[laughter]

666
00:28:42,820 --> 00:28:45,680
There's two items on the menu
and they can't handle that shit.

667
00:28:47,050 --> 00:28:51,000
You go to any Chinese restaurant,
there's about 485 items on the menu.

668
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,790
[laughter]

669
00:28:52,990 --> 00:28:54,880
And there's one dude back there
in the kitchen.

670
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:56,510
[laughter]

671
00:28:56,710 --> 00:28:59,180
He's not even a chef,
he's somebody's uncle from Hong Kong.

672
00:28:59,370 --> 00:29:01,400
[laughter]

673
00:29:03,030 --> 00:29:05,990
And he knows how to make everything
in under thirty seconds.

674
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:08,770
That guy's the real hero,
you know what I mean?

675
00:29:08,970 --> 00:29:12,250
He got a yellow wife-beater
that he brought from the old country.

676
00:29:13,250 --> 00:29:16,820
Just chilling near the wok,
cigarette in his mouth, just like...

677
00:29:17,020 --> 00:29:18,420
[laughter]

678
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:23,260
[cheering]

679
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:33,230
That guy's a gangsta, man.

680
00:29:34,390 --> 00:29:36,900
And he just cusses candidly in Cantonese,
just like...

681
00:29:38,770 --> 00:29:40,170
[speaks in Cantonese]

682
00:29:40,370 --> 00:29:41,820
[laughter]

683
00:29:46,110 --> 00:29:48,180
Any of you guys speak Cantonese here?

684
00:29:48,380 --> 00:29:50,730
- [cheering]
- Couple of you guys.

685
00:29:50,930 --> 00:29:53,100
I was born in Hong Kong,
that's my first language.

686
00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:54,610
I love that language, right?

687
00:29:54,810 --> 00:29:56,860
I think it's the most fun language
to speak.

688
00:29:57,060 --> 00:29:59,320
Because it's the most
fun language to cuss in.

689
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,360
[laughter]

690
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,280
In Cantonese, you could just like
low-key casually cuss.
691
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,620
Like, you go to Chinatown, you see,
like, a nice old man walk by.

692
00:30:06,820 --> 00:30:07,740
He would just be like,

693
00:30:07,940 --> 00:30:11,120
[speaking in Cantonese]

694
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:12,870
Right, that sounds really nice, right?

695
00:30:13,070 --> 00:30:15,040
But what he actually said was like,

696
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,340
"Oh, fuck your mother
and hope your whole family dies."

697
00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:20,090
[laughter]

698
00:30:20,290 --> 00:30:21,900
That's Cantonese, man!

699
00:30:23,030 --> 00:30:25,740
You gotta love it. You gotta love it, man.

700
00:30:28,070 --> 00:30:29,270
In a relationship,

701
00:30:29,460 --> 00:30:31,850
I think it's important to know
how you convey love

702
00:30:32,050 --> 00:30:34,940
but it's just as important to know
how you receive love.

703
00:30:35,140 --> 00:30:38,360
You gotta be vulnerable and let
your partner do nice things for you.

704
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:40,150
See, I'm not very good at that.

705
00:30:40,350 --> 00:30:43,650
I...I'm terrible at, like,
directly asking for things that I want.

706
00:30:43,850 --> 00:30:46,070
So instead, I just drop little hints.

707
00:30:46,270 --> 00:30:47,660
[laughter]

708
00:30:47,860 --> 00:30:49,410
That's called being passive aggressive.

709
00:30:49,610 --> 00:30:51,080
[laughter]

710
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:52,970
Don't do that. Don't do that.

711
00:30:53,890 --> 00:30:57,420
Like for example, I love watching these
YouTube videos

712
00:30:57,620 --> 00:31:00,760
of Japanese housewives making bento boxes.

713
00:31:00,950 --> 00:31:02,840
[laughter]

714
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,720
It's very nice, very cute,
it's like a little ASMR, you know?

715
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,470
And it's just really nice, this Japanese
woman wakes up at six a.m. every day

716
00:31:09,670 --> 00:31:11,740
to make her working husband a bento box.

717
00:31:12,660 --> 00:31:15,940
But I can't ask my venture capitalist
girlfriend to make me a bento box.
718
00:31:16,140 --> 00:31:16,900
[laughter]

719
00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:18,940
I'm not an idiot, I'm a sugar baby.

720
00:31:19,140 --> 00:31:21,420
- [laughter]
- I know my role.

721
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:24,360
So instead of asking her directly,

722
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,260
I just drop little hints.

723
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:28,620
Like we would be
sitting on the couch together.

724
00:31:28,820 --> 00:31:30,540
I just pull out my phone...

725
00:31:30,730 --> 00:31:33,870
and pretend I accidentally
stumble on this video.

726
00:31:34,070 --> 00:31:35,620
[laughter]

727
00:31:35,820 --> 00:31:37,790
I'm like, "Oh, what is this?

728
00:31:37,990 --> 00:31:39,210
Bento boxes?"

729
00:31:39,410 --> 00:31:40,800
[laughter]

730
00:31:40,990 --> 00:31:42,630
"Oh, my God, it's so cute,
what is that,

731
00:31:42,830 --> 00:31:45,220
like a rice ball shaped like a panda?
Look, look, look, look!"

732
00:31:45,420 --> 00:31:46,260
[laughter]

733
00:31:46,460 --> 00:31:49,220
"Wow, so she makes this
every day for him?"

734
00:31:49,420 --> 00:31:50,720
[laughter]

735
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,980
"Wow, she must love him so much!"

736
00:31:54,170 --> 00:31:55,410
[laughter]

737
00:31:56,580 --> 00:31:58,120
I thought I was being slick.

738
00:31:59,290 --> 00:32:01,150
Until she came out to one of my shows.

739
00:32:01,350 --> 00:32:02,820
[laughter]

740
00:32:03,020 --> 00:32:04,280
And she heard this joke.

741
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:05,700
[laughter]

742
00:32:05,890 --> 00:32:07,240
And she was really upset, man.

743
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,870
And rightfully so, I was just up here
talking shit, right?

744
00:32:10,070 --> 00:32:11,910
We went home, we got into a big fight,
she was like,

745
00:32:12,110 --> 00:32:13,950
"Babe, that's bullshit, okay?

746
00:32:14,150 --> 00:32:16,460
If you want me to do something,
why don't you just ask me directly?"

747
00:32:16,660 --> 00:32:18,830
And if you really want somebody to make
you bento boxes,

748
00:32:19,030 --> 00:32:21,210
why don't you just find a Japanese woman?"

749
00:32:21,410 --> 00:32:23,250
[crowd "oh's"]

750
00:32:23,450 --> 00:32:25,720
I'm like,
"Babe, I'm sorry you feel that way.

751
00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:28,690
Uh, okay.
But I think you're missing the point.

752
00:32:29,690 --> 00:32:32,430
You don't have to be Japanese
to make bento boxes."

753
00:32:32,630 --> 00:32:34,910
[laughter]

754
00:32:38,830 --> 00:32:40,100
[whistling]

755
00:32:40,300 --> 00:32:42,690
- [laughter]
- That's right.

756
00:32:42,890 --> 00:32:43,730
That's right.

757
00:32:43,930 --> 00:32:46,070
[cheering]

758
00:32:46,270 --> 00:32:48,610
So now I'm making her
bento boxes every day.

759
00:32:48,810 --> 00:32:50,460
[laughter]

760
00:32:51,470 --> 00:32:52,740
It's how I show my love.

761
00:32:52,940 --> 00:32:55,640
[cheering]

762
00:32:56,350 --> 00:32:57,830
You gotta love the people around you.

763
00:32:58,030 --> 00:32:59,580
You gotta be nice
to the people around you.

764
00:32:59,780 --> 00:33:03,210
Your partner, your family, your friends.

765
00:33:03,410 --> 00:33:05,210
You gotta keep the day-ones around, man.

766
00:33:05,410 --> 00:33:07,170
You know, everybody when
I was coming up in the game,

767
00:33:07,370 --> 00:33:09,130
they gave me this advice,
they're like, "Hey, Jimmy,

768
00:33:09,330 --> 00:33:12,720
you want to be successful,
hang out with successful people.

769
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,310
Because birds of a feather,
flock together."

770
00:33:15,510 --> 00:33:18,520
That's right, man, that's right.
You guys heard this before, right?

771
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,390
It's fuckin' bullshit, okay?!

772
00:33:20,590 --> 00:33:21,690
[laughter]

773
00:33:21,890 --> 00:33:23,620
Successful people are so boring.

774
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,530
I hung out with successful people,
they got a successful job,

775
00:33:26,730 --> 00:33:27,780
they got a successful family,

776
00:33:27,980 --> 00:33:30,030
they don't have time to hang out
with your mediocre ass.

777
00:33:30,230 --> 00:33:31,610
[laughter]

778
00:33:31,810 --> 00:33:33,700
So my real advice to everyone...

779
00:33:33,900 --> 00:33:36,240
is to find yourself more loser friends.

780
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:37,790
[laughter]

781
00:33:37,990 --> 00:33:40,410
That's right. That's right. That's right.
I see some of you guys clapping,

782
00:33:40,610 --> 00:33:42,960
the ones that are not, you're probably
the loser friend, which is fine.

783
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,250
- I love you.
- [laughter]

784
00:33:44,450 --> 00:33:45,460
I love you.
785
00:33:45,660 --> 00:33:47,710
[cheering]

786
00:33:47,910 --> 00:33:49,970
I love all my friends, man,
all my day-ones.

787
00:33:50,170 --> 00:33:53,180
I used to live in a one-bedroom apartment
with three comedians.

788
00:33:53,380 --> 00:33:55,890
Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that.
I was proud of that, it was all good.

789
00:33:56,090 --> 00:33:57,350
They're still my close friends.

790
00:33:57,550 --> 00:34:01,140
One of my best friends' name is Guam.
Guam Felix. Yeah.

791
00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:04,770
He's a comedian, uh, he's named after
the island he was born on,

792
00:34:04,970 --> 00:34:06,150
Guam.

793
00:34:06,350 --> 00:34:07,940
Like you know you kinda hood

794
00:34:08,140 --> 00:34:10,490
when you're named after
the island you were born on.

795
00:34:10,690 --> 00:34:11,860
[laughter]

796
00:34:12,060 --> 00:34:15,070
Like if I came out tonight and they
introduced me as "Hong Kong Jimmy"...

797
00:34:15,270 --> 00:34:17,680
[laughter]
798
00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:20,790
I'll probably be selling drugs outside,
you know what I mean?

799
00:34:20,990 --> 00:34:22,600
[laughter]

800
00:34:24,100 --> 00:34:25,840
But Guam's one of
my greatest friends, man.

801
00:34:26,030 --> 00:34:27,840
He's just a good dude,
he's just a happy-go-around guy.

802
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:28,750
You know?

803
00:34:28,950 --> 00:34:30,880
He crashed in my living room for months,

804
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,590
and I asked him,
"Hey, Guam, you got any plans?

805
00:34:33,790 --> 00:34:35,260
You gonna go get a job or something?"

806
00:34:35,460 --> 00:34:37,110
He was like, "Naw, dawg,

807
00:34:37,990 --> 00:34:40,640
I'm gonna get on that
government disability, homie!"

808
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:41,980
[laughter]

809
00:34:42,180 --> 00:34:43,810
And I'm like, "Okay, are you disabled?"

810
00:34:44,010 --> 00:34:45,480
He was like, "Yeah, I think so, dawg."

811
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:46,480
[laughter]

812
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:48,570
"I threw out my back
when I was 19, homie."

813
00:34:48,770 --> 00:34:50,480
I'm like, "Okay, you're 42 right now.

814
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,420
I don't think that's
gonna work out for you."

815
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:54,700
See, Guam is great.

816
00:34:54,900 --> 00:34:57,280
He lives by the creed where anything good
that happens to him,

817
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:58,950
he makes sure to thank God.

818
00:34:59,150 --> 00:35:00,240
- Right? That's great.
- [audience member whoops]

819
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:03,790
And anything bad that happens to him,
he makes sure to blame the government.

820
00:35:03,990 --> 00:35:05,040
[laughter]

821
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:08,890
It's a great way to live when you take
zero personal responsibility.

822
00:35:10,270 --> 00:35:12,510
Like, he would say shit like,
"Oh, damn,

823
00:35:12,710 --> 00:35:15,510
they gave me a speeding ticket
and took away my license, dawg!

824
00:35:15,710 --> 00:35:17,850
You see, that's how
the government fucks you."

825
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:19,510
[laughter]

826
00:35:19,710 --> 00:35:21,470
I'm like, "No, I'm pretty sure that's how
you fuck yourself."

827
00:35:21,670 --> 00:35:23,180
[laughter]

828
00:35:23,380 --> 00:35:25,560
And on the positive side,
he would say things like,

829
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,440
"I just want to thank God,

830
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,570
'cause he let me stay with you, dawg."

831
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,480
[laughter]

832
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:33,490
I'm like, "No, you should thank me,
motherfucker."

833
00:35:33,690 --> 00:35:35,610
[laughter]

834
00:35:35,810 --> 00:35:37,660
I let you stay with me!

835
00:35:37,860 --> 00:35:41,340
[cheering]

836
00:35:42,470 --> 00:35:45,750
But I love Guam, man, he's just
a happy-go-lucky guy,

837
00:35:45,950 --> 00:35:47,830
doesn't have a lot of ambition in life.
838
00:35:48,030 --> 00:35:50,040
His dream in life is to win the lottery.

839
00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:51,550
[laughter]

840
00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:55,260
His catch phrase is,
"When I win the lottery, dawg..."

841
00:35:55,460 --> 00:35:56,970
[laughter]

842
00:35:57,170 --> 00:36:00,180
But he doesn't even have good goals
for when he doeswin the lottery,

843
00:36:00,380 --> 00:36:02,890
because he will say shit like,
"When I win the lottery,

844
00:36:03,090 --> 00:36:05,140
we going to the buffet, dawg."

845
00:36:05,340 --> 00:36:07,160
[laughs]

846
00:36:08,410 --> 00:36:10,690
I'm like,
"Bro, we could do that right now, bro."

847
00:36:10,890 --> 00:36:12,370
[laughter]

848
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,360
But Guam was a man of his word.
Not only would he buy lottery tickets,

849
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:22,120
he stood in line in every single game show
in LA to try to win his lottery.

850
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,000
And he finally got on this game show
called Let's Make a Deal.
851
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:26,250
Have you guys seen that?

852
00:36:26,450 --> 00:36:27,670
- [cheering]
- Yes, the show that comes on

853
00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:30,000
hosted by Wayne Brady,
before The Price is Right.

854
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,840
But in order to get on that show,
you have to wear a costume.

855
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:35,590
And Guam is like
a big Pacific Islander brother.

856
00:36:35,790 --> 00:36:37,610
So his costume options were limited.

857
00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:40,300
He could either be Moana...

858
00:36:40,500 --> 00:36:41,470
[laughter]

859
00:36:41,670 --> 00:36:43,410
...or The Rock. You know?

860
00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:46,350
So he decided to make his own costume.

861
00:36:46,550 --> 00:36:48,690
He cut up a blue bedsheet,

862
00:36:48,890 --> 00:36:50,230
draped it over his body.

863
00:36:50,430 --> 00:36:52,830
and then he got a Chinese rice paddy hat.

864
00:36:53,790 --> 00:36:55,000
And he just wore it.

865
00:36:55,790 --> 00:36:57,070
I'm like, "Guam, what the fuck?"

866
00:36:57,270 --> 00:36:58,150
[laughter]

867
00:36:58,350 --> 00:37:00,360
"What are you, dressed as
Ho Chi Minh or some shit?"

868
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:01,620
[laughter]

869
00:37:01,820 --> 00:37:03,410
He was like, "No, dawg,

870
00:37:03,610 --> 00:37:06,700
I'm Master Raiden
from Mortal Kombat, homie."

871
00:37:06,900 --> 00:37:08,720
[laughter]

872
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:12,140
This is a true story.

873
00:37:12,850 --> 00:37:16,010
He went on national TV dressed up
as Master Raiden.

874
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:17,550
[laughter]

875
00:37:17,750 --> 00:37:19,900
And it's actually an inspirational story.

876
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:21,680
He actually won.

877
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:23,470
[cheering]

878
00:37:23,670 --> 00:37:24,530
Yeah.

879
00:37:26,950 --> 00:37:29,140
He won the "Big Deal of the Day."

880
00:37:29,340 --> 00:37:31,690
It was a $5,000 living room set.

881
00:37:31,890 --> 00:37:33,360
[laughter]

882
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,270
Which was perfect for my living room.

883
00:37:35,470 --> 00:37:37,380
[laughter]

884
00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:41,320
But he dreamed big,
he wanted to win this big prize.

885
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,780
So he traded it in for the
"Super Deal of the Week,"

886
00:37:43,980 --> 00:37:45,330
and I'm like, "This fucking idiot."

887
00:37:45,530 --> 00:37:46,790
[laughter]

888
00:37:46,990 --> 00:37:49,160
He traded it in
for a one-out-of-three chance

889
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,460
to win $50,000 cash.

890
00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:53,770
One of the biggest prizes
on the show ever.

891
00:37:54,180 --> 00:37:55,250
And he won!

892
00:37:55,450 --> 00:37:57,960
- [cheering]
- That was his lottery!

893
00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,760
His dream came true.

894
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:02,550
I was watching TV,
it was the most magical moment.

895
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:05,180
Money started falling down
on his rice paddy hat.

896
00:38:05,380 --> 00:38:08,220
And he was so happy, he started doing
jumping jacks and shit.

897
00:38:08,420 --> 00:38:10,310
And started swimming in the pool of money.

898
00:38:10,510 --> 00:38:11,730
And I was watching, I was like,

899
00:38:11,930 --> 00:38:13,980
"I knew this motherfucker's not disabled,
look at him!"

900
00:38:14,180 --> 00:38:16,500
[laughter]

901
00:38:17,250 --> 00:38:18,670
He's very capable!

902
00:38:19,750 --> 00:38:22,110
And he started crying on national TV.
He was so happy.

903
00:38:22,310 --> 00:38:24,780
And Wayne Brady was like,
"Guam, congratulations,

904
00:38:24,980 --> 00:38:27,200
what are you gonna do with that $50,000?"

905
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,950
And he was like,
"We going to the buffet, dawg!"

906
00:38:30,150 --> 00:38:32,350
[laughter]

907
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:35,210
Right!

908
00:38:35,410 --> 00:38:36,590
[cheering]

909
00:38:36,790 --> 00:38:37,600
Right!

910
00:38:39,310 --> 00:38:40,670
That's a good friend, man!

911
00:38:40,870 --> 00:38:41,630
[audience member whoops]

912
00:38:41,830 --> 00:38:43,530
That's why you keep your friends around.

913
00:38:44,190 --> 00:38:47,030
He went from the biggest loser I knew
to the biggest winner I knew.

914
00:38:47,570 --> 00:38:50,640
Took care of all his boys.
Took us to a lot of buffets.

915
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,270
[laughter]

916
00:38:52,470 --> 00:38:55,020
He even took us to the fanciest restaurant
he knew.

917
00:38:55,220 --> 00:38:56,440
Buca di Beppo.

918
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:57,980
[laughter]
919
00:38:58,180 --> 00:38:59,170
It was awesome.

920
00:38:59,620 --> 00:39:00,730
He was ballin'.

921
00:39:00,930 --> 00:39:02,670
But that money didn't last long.

922
00:39:03,210 --> 00:39:05,360
That fifty grand lasted
about three months.

923
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:06,660
[laughter]

924
00:39:06,860 --> 00:39:08,910
And not only that,
he didn't pay any taxes on it.

925
00:39:09,110 --> 00:39:09,990
[audience groans]

926
00:39:10,190 --> 00:39:13,000
So now he owes the IRS another
twenty on top of that shit.

927
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,270
I'm like, "Guam, this is horrible!
You're worse off than you ever were."

928
00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:18,250
And all he said to me was like,

929
00:39:18,450 --> 00:39:20,250
"See? That's how
the government fucks you, dawg!"

930
00:39:20,450 --> 00:39:22,310
[laughter]

931
00:39:23,980 --> 00:39:26,070
- [cheering]
- That's right.

932
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:29,570
Keep your close friends around.

933
00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:31,350
And save your money, people.

934
00:39:31,550 --> 00:39:32,780
[laughter]

935
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:36,440
That's why I only like watching
real-people game shows.

936
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,690
I hate watching Celebrity Family Feud.

937
00:39:38,890 --> 00:39:42,440
'Cause they always make the celebrity
choose a charity and donate money.

938
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:44,740
I'm like, some of us want
to keep our money, man.

939
00:39:44,940 --> 00:39:45,740
[laughter]

940
00:39:45,940 --> 00:39:48,490
Hey, look, I know
I sound like a bad person, okay?

941
00:39:48,690 --> 00:39:49,660
But I love helping people,

942
00:39:49,860 --> 00:39:53,220
I love the concept of donating money.

943
00:39:54,970 --> 00:39:56,170
I just can't do it.

944
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:58,140
[laughter]

945
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:00,640
I want to!
946
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:02,840
But my mom wouldn't let me.

947
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:04,550
[laughter]

948
00:40:04,750 --> 00:40:07,260
Every time I even just think about
donating money,

949
00:40:07,460 --> 00:40:08,390
she comes out of nowhere.

950
00:40:08,590 --> 00:40:10,800
- She's like, "Who? Who you donating to?"
- [laughter]

951
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,810
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know.
Like, Save the Children Foundation?"

952
00:40:14,010 --> 00:40:16,190
She's like,
"You don't even know those children."

953
00:40:16,380 --> 00:40:17,480
[laughter]

954
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,360
- "Children can be horrible."
- [laughter]

955
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,690
"Okay, fine, Mom.
I'll donate to help the hospitals.

956
00:40:22,890 --> 00:40:26,450
Like Feed-a-Hospital.com.
To help out all the nurses and doctors."

957
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:28,530
And she was like, "Okay, Jimmy, okay."

958
00:40:28,730 --> 00:40:29,780
[laughter]
959
00:40:29,980 --> 00:40:31,450
"The doctors make more money than you."

960
00:40:31,650 --> 00:40:33,240
[laughter]

961
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,080
- They should donate to you, okay?
- [laughter]

962
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,920
I make a website,
'Feed-a-comedian.com' right now."

963
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,290
[laughter]

964
00:40:40,490 --> 00:40:41,710
It... [chuckles]

965
00:40:41,910 --> 00:40:43,710
[cheering]

966
00:40:43,910 --> 00:40:45,770
She just guilt trips me, you know?

967
00:40:46,900 --> 00:40:49,220
"You donate to anyone, you donate to me."

968
00:40:49,420 --> 00:40:50,470
[laughter]

969
00:40:50,670 --> 00:40:52,180
"I give birth to you, okay?"

970
00:40:52,380 --> 00:40:53,970
[laughter]

971
00:40:54,170 --> 00:40:55,810
Can you imagine I'm on Family Feud?

972
00:40:56,010 --> 00:40:57,730
Steve's like,
"Jimmy, what charity you playing for?"
973
00:40:57,930 --> 00:41:00,020
"Feed-a-comedian.com," um...

974
00:41:00,220 --> 00:41:01,480
[laughter]

975
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,070
All proceeds go to my mom.

976
00:41:03,260 --> 00:41:04,830
[laughter]

977
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:07,440
My mom's so tight with my money,

978
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:09,750
she wouldn't even let me
buy her something nice.

979
00:41:10,210 --> 00:41:13,200
For her last birthday,
I bought her a nice iPad, brand new iPad.

980
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,370
I thought I was a good Asian son, right?

981
00:41:15,570 --> 00:41:19,210
And my mom's like,
"Oh, no, it's too expensive..."

982
00:41:19,410 --> 00:41:22,540
I'm like, "Mom, it's okay,
we can afford it, just enjoy the iPad."

983
00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:25,340
She was like,
"No, Jimmy, please return it.

984
00:41:25,540 --> 00:41:27,880
Return it and just give me the cash."

985
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:29,650
[laughter]

986
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:34,780
[cheering]

987
00:41:35,490 --> 00:41:38,030
We're practical.
It's about the bottom line.

988
00:41:39,660 --> 00:41:42,520
See, we live in
a very frivolous society, man.

989
00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:45,190
Everybody loves to brag about
how much shit they have.

990
00:41:45,390 --> 00:41:48,190
How much money they make.
We all brag, we're all guilty of this.

991
00:41:48,390 --> 00:41:51,030
We all just do subtle different ways.

992
00:41:51,230 --> 00:41:52,700
Like white people for example,

993
00:41:52,900 --> 00:41:55,660
White people never brag about how much
money they got,

994
00:41:55,860 --> 00:41:59,080
they always just brag about
how expensive their life is.

995
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,250
[laughter]

996
00:42:00,450 --> 00:42:05,460
Like, "Oh, Joey just started
private school, it's so expensive.

997
00:42:05,660 --> 00:42:09,380
And our remodel is totally going
over budget."

998
00:42:09,580 --> 00:42:10,420
[laughter]

999
00:42:10,620 --> 00:42:14,760
"Oh, and you wouldn't believe how much
money we spent going to Fiji."

1000
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:15,970
[laughter]

1001
00:42:16,170 --> 00:42:18,390
I'm like,
"Okay, Katie, I see your life, okay?

1002
00:42:18,590 --> 00:42:21,120
It's luxurious. Good for you. Okay."

1003
00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:25,690
Black people, on the other hand,
a lot more straightforward.

1004
00:42:25,890 --> 00:42:29,130
Black people just tell you exactly
how much money they spent on something.

1005
00:42:29,830 --> 00:42:30,690
It's great.

1006
00:42:30,890 --> 00:42:33,280
You guys seen it, like, my Black friends,
or even rappers, right?

1007
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:34,410
They love to brag.

1008
00:42:34,610 --> 00:42:36,530
They're like, "This car? 80 thou."

1009
00:42:36,730 --> 00:42:39,040
[laughter]

1010
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:41,680
"My momma's house? 500 thou.

1011
00:42:42,470 --> 00:42:45,180
This chain? A million dollars, man."

1012
00:42:46,060 --> 00:42:48,670
I'm like, "Okay, you clearly don't have
your priorities straight."

1013
00:42:48,870 --> 00:42:50,420
[laughter]

1014
00:42:50,620 --> 00:42:52,400
"But I appreciate the honesty."

1015
00:42:53,730 --> 00:42:56,570
People love to brag about
how much money they spend.

1016
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:58,850
Asian people on the other hand,

1017
00:42:59,050 --> 00:43:00,950
we do the exact opposite.

1018
00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:04,450
We love to brag about how
little money we spent on some shit.

1019
00:43:05,370 --> 00:43:07,310
Because the art is in the savings.

1020
00:43:07,510 --> 00:43:09,710
You never pay full price.

1021
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:14,110
Like my mom, her catch phrase is
"Guess how much."

1022
00:43:14,310 --> 00:43:15,660
[laughs]

1023
00:43:15,860 --> 00:43:17,220
"Guess how much."

1024
00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:18,910
- Yeah.
- [cheering]

1025
00:43:19,110 --> 00:43:20,430
That's our people.

1026
00:43:22,550 --> 00:43:24,390
You guys ever play "Guess how much"?

1027
00:43:24,970 --> 00:43:27,460
My mom will come home
with something new, like a watch,

1028
00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:29,710
she would be like,
"Jimmy-ya, Jimmy-ya, guess how much."

1029
00:43:29,910 --> 00:43:31,670
- [laughter]
- "Guess how much."

1030
00:43:31,870 --> 00:43:35,550
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know,
it's a very nice watch, like $5,000?"

1031
00:43:35,750 --> 00:43:37,890
And she's like, "No!"

1032
00:43:38,090 --> 00:43:39,140
[laughter]

1033
00:43:39,340 --> 00:43:42,270
"It's $200.

1034
00:43:42,470 --> 00:43:45,690
Jimmy-ya, my house? This house.
Guess how much.

1035
00:43:45,890 --> 00:43:47,230
Guess how much."

1036
00:43:47,430 --> 00:43:49,230
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know, you live in
a very nice house,

1037
00:43:49,430 --> 00:43:50,520
like a million dollars?"

1038
00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:52,780
She was like, "No!

1039
00:43:52,980 --> 00:43:55,150
It's half-off. Someone died in it."

1040
00:43:55,350 --> 00:43:56,880
[laughter]

1041
00:44:02,430 --> 00:44:05,410
And if you know the rules of the game,
you always guess high.

1042
00:44:05,610 --> 00:44:08,430
So you make the other person feel good
about their purchases.

1043
00:44:08,810 --> 00:44:10,190
Never guess too low.

1044
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:12,380
If you ever guess too low,
that's the ultimate insult

1045
00:44:12,580 --> 00:44:13,690
to an Asian person, okay?

1046
00:44:14,810 --> 00:44:17,690
One time my mom came home with
some new shoes, I guessed too low.

1047
00:44:18,610 --> 00:44:20,390
I've never seen her so disappointed in me.

1048
00:44:20,590 --> 00:44:22,010
[laughter]

1049
00:44:22,210 --> 00:44:23,320
She was like, "Jimmy-ya, Jimmy-ya,

1050
00:44:23,990 --> 00:44:25,980
guess how much.
Guess how much."

1051
00:44:26,180 --> 00:44:29,150
I'm like, "Mom, I don't know,
very nice shoes, like, $200?"

1052
00:44:29,350 --> 00:44:30,730
She was like... [exclaims]
1053
00:44:30,930 --> 00:44:32,500
[laughter]

1054
00:44:37,670 --> 00:44:39,240
"Do you even know about shoes?"

1055
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:40,490
[laughter]

1056
00:44:40,690 --> 00:44:43,080
"These are $500 Jimmy Choo's, okay?

1057
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:44,660
Better Jimmy than you."

1058
00:44:44,860 --> 00:44:46,600
[laughter]

1059
00:44:51,020 --> 00:44:52,890
That's how we brag, people.

1060
00:44:53,980 --> 00:44:55,360
You gotta love it, man.

1061
00:44:56,190 --> 00:44:58,010
I used to be embarrassed
about all these things.

1062
00:44:58,210 --> 00:45:00,970
I thought my mom was cheap,
she spoke with an accent,

1063
00:45:01,170 --> 00:45:02,600
she made me Chinese food...

1064
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:06,600
But when I got older, I realized it's all
those things that made me different

1065
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:08,690
is what makes me interesting now.

1066
00:45:08,890 --> 00:45:11,940
The tide has turned, man,
everybody want to be more Asian,

1067
00:45:12,140 --> 00:45:14,150
- I'm telling ya. Yeah, that's right.
- [cheering]

1068
00:45:14,350 --> 00:45:16,530
Everybody want to be BTS.

1069
00:45:16,730 --> 00:45:19,530
Everybody want to eat xiaolongbao,

1070
00:45:19,730 --> 00:45:20,570
[laughter]

1071
00:45:20,770 --> 00:45:24,510
And every parent I know is trying to send
their kid to Chinese immersion school.

1072
00:45:25,140 --> 00:45:27,500
Just in case we take over this shit,
you know what I mean?

1073
00:45:27,700 --> 00:45:28,910
[laughter]

1074
00:45:29,110 --> 00:45:31,580
You gotta be proud, man,
you gotta be proud of how you grew up.

1075
00:45:31,780 --> 00:45:34,040
Gotta be proud of your parents, right?

1076
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:36,380
I'm a good Asian kid,
I'm great to my parents.

1077
00:45:36,580 --> 00:45:38,970
I'll never, ever disrespect them,

1078
00:45:39,170 --> 00:45:40,630
in front of them, you know what I mean?
Like...

1079
00:45:40,830 --> 00:45:42,280
[laughter]
1080
00:45:44,570 --> 00:45:47,060
I want to give you guys
a quick update on my dad.

1081
00:45:47,260 --> 00:45:50,440
Yup, Richard O. Yang,
the superstar of the family.

1082
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,250
- [cheering]
- Yeah.

1083
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:56,020
I talked about him on my last special,
he became an actor, right?

1084
00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:56,980
[cheering]

1085
00:45:57,180 --> 00:45:59,360
Yeah, yeah, not because he loves the art,

1086
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:02,160
it's because
"It's so easy, you could do it, I do it."

1087
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:04,550
[laughter]

1088
00:46:05,260 --> 00:46:07,290
But now he's doing great,
he's very successful, okay?

1089
00:46:07,490 --> 00:46:09,040
He's got his whole life turned around,

1090
00:46:09,240 --> 00:46:11,540
he got out of retirement,
he's a full-time actor now.

1091
00:46:11,740 --> 00:46:12,870
And now...

1092
00:46:13,070 --> 00:46:14,630
he wants to be an influencer.
1093
00:46:14,830 --> 00:46:16,090
[laughter]

1094
00:46:16,290 --> 00:46:18,710
He just started his own IG account.

1095
00:46:18,910 --> 00:46:20,520
Which is just a nightmare.

1096
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,550
'Cause old people,
I feel like they mean well, okay?

1097
00:46:23,750 --> 00:46:26,760
Like, my dad he means well,
but he just doesn't know how it works.

1098
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:29,520
Like his first post on Instagram
was a very nice post.

1099
00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:33,940
A beautiful picture of the sky,
palm trees, birds flying by...

1100
00:46:34,140 --> 00:46:35,480
I'm like, "Oh, this is nice."

1101
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:37,360
And then I scroll down to the caption,

1102
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,530
and he wrote, "All lives matter."

1103
00:46:39,730 --> 00:46:41,540
[laughter]

1104
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:44,660
I'm like, "Dad, what the fuck, man?"
Like...

1105
00:46:44,860 --> 00:46:45,950
[laughter]

1106
00:46:46,150 --> 00:46:49,290
"You don't even know what that means,
why would you write that?"

1107
00:46:49,490 --> 00:46:53,000
He was like,
"I know! My life matter, your life matter,

1108
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:56,210
the first life matter, okay?
All life matter."

1109
00:46:56,410 --> 00:46:57,750
I'm like,
"Dad, that is not what it means."

1110
00:46:57,950 --> 00:46:59,690
[laughter]

1111
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,110
I made him put his account on private,
okay?

1112
00:47:04,940 --> 00:47:06,890
Just like a good tiger parent would.

1113
00:47:07,090 --> 00:47:08,530
[laughter]

1114
00:47:09,490 --> 00:47:10,560
'Cause we know the rules,

1115
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,640
like, young people, we see through
the scams of Instagram, right?

1116
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:15,650
Like, for example, I follow SportsCenter,

1117
00:47:15,850 --> 00:47:20,030
I understand the first hundred comments
are all bots, they're all fake, right?

1118
00:47:20,220 --> 00:47:24,070
Because there's always some IG booty model
saying some stupid shit like,
1119
00:47:24,270 --> 00:47:27,120
"Ooh, I want something long and hard."

1120
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:28,580
[laughter]

1121
00:47:28,770 --> 00:47:30,240
This is obviously a scam.

1122
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,160
So one time, I clicked on it.

1123
00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:34,210
[laughter]

1124
00:47:34,410 --> 00:47:36,080
Just to see what's going on,
you know what I mean?

1125
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:39,390
Research. I just want to see it.
I just want to get to the bottom of it.

1126
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,420
So I clicked on it, I was like,

1127
00:47:41,620 --> 00:47:43,050
"Oh, this is obviously a scam."

1128
00:47:43,250 --> 00:47:45,970
It's this girl, she's following
7,000 people,

1129
00:47:46,170 --> 00:47:47,890
but she only has one follower.

1130
00:47:48,090 --> 00:47:49,890
And I clicked on the one follower,
it was my dad!

1131
00:47:50,090 --> 00:47:51,820
[laughter]

1132
00:47:56,740 --> 00:47:59,400
He's like, "My life matter,
her life matters, too, okay?"

1133
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:00,960
[laughter]

1134
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:06,110
My dad's just from a different generation.

1135
00:48:06,310 --> 00:48:08,870
He has like a weird beauty standard?

1136
00:48:09,070 --> 00:48:11,700
Like, for us, we just say things
on a very surface level,

1137
00:48:11,900 --> 00:48:15,330
which is just like, "Oh, this person's
attractive, this person's not, right?"

1138
00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:17,460
My dad would get into the weeds.

1139
00:48:17,660 --> 00:48:18,880
[laughter]

1140
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:21,460
My dad would give you
all the weird details.

1141
00:48:21,660 --> 00:48:24,980
He'd be like, "Oh, she's beautiful.

1142
00:48:25,650 --> 00:48:27,300
Very long arms."

1143
00:48:27,500 --> 00:48:29,510
[laughter]

1144
00:48:29,710 --> 00:48:31,850
I'm like, "What are you,
recruiting a linebacker?

1145
00:48:32,050 --> 00:48:33,810
What are you talking about?"

1146
00:48:34,010 --> 00:48:37,850
I can never get a pulse on who he thinks
is attractive or not, right?

1147
00:48:38,050 --> 00:48:40,650
One time, I'm like,
"Dad, oh, she's really good looking,'

1148
00:48:40,850 --> 00:48:42,110
and my dad was like, "No!"

1149
00:48:42,310 --> 00:48:43,230
[laughter]

1150
00:48:43,430 --> 00:48:45,240
"Her mouth's too close to her nose."

1151
00:48:45,430 --> 00:48:46,860
[laughter]

1152
00:48:47,060 --> 00:48:48,990
"She cannot breathe. She cannot breathe."

1153
00:48:49,190 --> 00:48:50,510
[laughter]

1154
00:48:52,380 --> 00:48:54,290
I see some of you guys looking
at your partner, like,

1155
00:48:54,490 --> 00:48:56,870
- "I...is my nose too close?"
- [laughter]

1156
00:48:57,070 --> 00:48:59,330
And that's exactly what an Asian parent
does to you, you know?

1157
00:48:59,530 --> 00:49:01,460
Make you self-conscious about shit you
didn't even know about.

1158
00:49:01,660 --> 00:49:03,500
[laughter]

1159
00:49:03,700 --> 00:49:06,760
I was very nervous to introduce
my girlfriend to my dad.

1160
00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:08,760
'Cause she's absolutely beautiful.

1161
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,760
But who knows if her wingspan is long
enough for his liking.

1162
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:14,240
[laughter]

1163
00:49:14,820 --> 00:49:16,470
I was so nervous, man.

1164
00:49:16,670 --> 00:49:19,850
The first time I brought my girlfriend
to my dad's house, and to his credit,

1165
00:49:20,050 --> 00:49:23,020
I want to give him credit,
he actually didn't say anything crazy.

1166
00:49:23,220 --> 00:49:26,740
Because for some reason,
when an old Chinese person

1167
00:49:26,930 --> 00:49:30,070
sees white people,
they just start acting right.

1168
00:49:30,270 --> 00:49:32,410
[laughter]

1169
00:49:32,610 --> 00:49:34,990
Like his posture changed
and he stood upright.

1170
00:49:35,190 --> 00:49:37,660
And for some reason,
he just came up with a British accent.

1171
00:49:37,860 --> 00:49:40,250
[laughter]

1172
00:49:40,450 --> 00:49:42,170
Like me and my girlfriend walked
in the house,

1173
00:49:42,370 --> 00:49:45,090
he didn't say anything crazy, he just
looked at us, he was like,

1174
00:49:45,290 --> 00:49:46,250
"Oh."

1175
00:49:46,450 --> 00:49:48,340
[laughter]

1176
00:49:48,540 --> 00:49:50,130
"Prosperous young couple."

1177
00:49:50,330 --> 00:49:52,280
[laughter]

1178
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:56,430
And my girlfriend was so confused,
was like,

1179
00:49:56,630 --> 00:49:58,220
"Why does your dad
sound like Helen Mirren?"

1180
00:49:58,420 --> 00:50:00,480
[laughter]

1181
00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:02,730
And I start saying all these nice things
about my girl,

1182
00:50:02,930 --> 00:50:05,770
I'm like, "Oh, Dad, you know,
yes, sh...she's very successful,

1183
00:50:05,970 --> 00:50:07,110
but she's also very nice.

1184
00:50:07,310 --> 00:50:09,400
And her family,
they're just great people."

1185
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:11,050
And my dad was like, "Good...

1186
00:50:11,670 --> 00:50:13,370
All lives matter."

1187
00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:14,880
- [groans]
- [laughter]

1188
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,830
I love my dad, man. I love my dad.

1189
00:50:22,030 --> 00:50:24,920
He's a great dad. He's a funny guy.
You know?

1190
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:28,420
We did a lot of
father-son bonding growing up.

1191
00:50:28,620 --> 00:50:30,800
Like for example,
I'm a big basketball fan.

1192
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,880
I love watching the NBA.
You know, yeah.

1193
00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:34,840
[whooping]

1194
00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:37,430
Actually I grew up
a Los Angeles Clippers fan.

1195
00:50:37,630 --> 00:50:38,560
Yeah.

1196
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,180
Because my dad was cheap, okay?
Because my dad was...

1197
00:50:41,380 --> 00:50:42,480
[laughter]

1198
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:45,110
Because the Lakers and Clippers
play in the same stadium,

1199
00:50:45,300 --> 00:50:47,250
but the Clipper tickets were half price.

1200
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:50,190
So my dad's like,
"Never pay full price. Never pay..."

1201
00:50:50,390 --> 00:50:51,630
[laughter]

1202
00:50:52,130 --> 00:50:54,110
That wasn't even
the most embarrassing part.

1203
00:50:54,310 --> 00:50:57,450
The most embarrassing part
was when we exited the stadium.

1204
00:50:57,650 --> 00:50:58,910
When we exit the Staples Center,

1205
00:50:59,110 --> 00:51:01,160
there'll be hot dog
street vendors out there, right?

1206
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,170
Latino brothers selling
bacon-wrapped hot dogs for five dollars?

1207
00:51:04,370 --> 00:51:05,420
I love those things!

1208
00:51:05,620 --> 00:51:07,500
And my dad would go up
and haggle with them.

1209
00:51:07,700 --> 00:51:09,590
[laughter]

1210
00:51:09,790 --> 00:51:11,270
He would go up and be like,
"Okay...
1211
00:51:12,110 --> 00:51:14,480
I give you five dollars for two hot dogs."

1212
00:51:15,150 --> 00:51:17,300
I'm like, "Dad, it's not
buy-one-get-one-free at Costco,

1213
00:51:17,500 --> 00:51:18,680
just give him ten bucks."

1214
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,390
And he was like,
"Shh. Never pay full price."

1215
00:51:21,590 --> 00:51:22,520
[laughter]

1216
00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:26,870
"Okay. I'll give you eight dollars
for two hot dogs. Final offer."

1217
00:51:27,540 --> 00:51:30,280
And the guy didn't care,
he was like, "No, it's ten dollars."

1218
00:51:30,470 --> 00:51:33,740
And then my dad has a strategy,
he just announces in front of everyone,

1219
00:51:33,940 --> 00:51:38,660
makes sure everyone hears him, he's like,
"Okay! We walk away."

1220
00:51:38,860 --> 00:51:40,450
[laughter]

1221
00:51:40,650 --> 00:51:43,200
I'm like, "Dad, I don't care...
I don't think he cares if you walk away.

1222
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,560
Don't walk away. I'm hungry!"

1223
00:51:46,310 --> 00:51:48,920
He's like, "Jimmy-ya,
it's better to be hungry
1224
00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:50,340
than to pay full price."

1225
00:51:50,540 --> 00:51:52,480
[laughter]

1226
00:51:53,560 --> 00:51:57,030
And then my mom comes up behind us
with four hot dogs.

1227
00:51:57,570 --> 00:51:59,010
And she was like, "Guess how much."

1228
00:51:59,210 --> 00:52:00,760
[laughter]

1229
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:02,140
Thank you, guys.

1230
00:52:02,340 --> 00:52:05,230
[cheering and applause]

1231
00:52:05,430 --> 00:52:07,910
[hip hop music plays]

1232
00:52:09,580 --> 00:52:10,920
You guys are amazing!

1233
00:52:11,370 --> 00:52:12,330
I love you guys.

1234
00:52:15,250 --> 00:52:17,460
[hip-hop music continues]

1235
00:52:43,910 --> 00:52:46,280
♪♪

1236
00:52:59,090 --> 00:53:01,380
♪♪

1237
00:53:17,060 --> 00:53:19,070
♪♪