MODULE 11: ATTRACTION, LOVE AND COMMITMENT

KEY TAKEAWAYS
Every human being has his own way of expressing his attraction, love, and commitment
due to our different life experiences. When attraction between two persons is discussed, it is often
understood as based on physical appearance while this might be true to a certain extent but there
is more to attraction that we already know.

According to Helen Fisher, attraction is primarily on physiology or certain hormones that

get attracted to others and is the first stage during the changes of personality development which
leads to closeness, love and commitment. But, disappointments in relationships occur usually
because of the misunderstanding about the different ways of expressing their attraction, love and
commitment. Thus, let us explore how we can express our attraction, love and commitment to
others.

Module Content:
In the biological model of love as proposed by anthropologist Helen Fisher, love can start
with any of these three feelings: lust, attraction and attachment depending on the person. Each
involves different neurochemicals in your brain.
Three Brain Systems of Love or Stages of Falling in Love

1. Lust refers to an urge or desire that motivates us to partake in sexual activity.

2. Attraction is described as the love-struck phase. This is the stage when a person loses sleep
and appetite over someone and become excited to someone while daydreaming of special
person. It is part of lust because it involves focusing our attention to a particular person or
desire. Many factors influence attraction.

Factors of Attraction

a. Physical Attractiveness
It is one of the primary determinants of romantic attraction. Most people prefer whom they
consider physically attractive especially in the early stages of dating.
b. Proximity
People tend to get attracted to people who are geographically closer to them. They are
more likely to develop feelings of mutual familiarity with the people who live close to us or
go to school with us and increased level of comfort when there is regular contact and no
prior negative feelings.

c. Similarity
People pick partners who we have similarities with such as social class, background,
religious beliefs, age and education. The more attitudes and opinions two people share,
especially when they are similar, the more they will want to do the same activities, and
would create a strong bond between them.

d. Reciprocity
People like others who like them back. People feel indebted when someone does
something good for them and tend to reciprocate the action. The more we are liked by
 someone they equally like, the more we behave in ways that promote mutual feelings of
liking.

3. Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another
across time and space. It is when long-lasting commitments are exchanged.
4.
Robert Strenberg (1988) suggests that there are three main components of love. Love
relationships vary and it depends on the presence or absence of each of these components.

Three Components of Triangular Theory of Love

1. INTIMACY is an intimate interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional

intimacy. It is characterized by friendship, familiarity, or romantic love. It involves closeness,
connectedness, and bondedness.

2. PASSION is an intense emotion, a compelling enthusiasm or desire for something.

3. COMMITMENT is the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.
It is an act deciding to consistently fulfil and live by agreements made with another person,
entity, or cause, and where the values of integrity and respect serve as a guide to one’s
behaviour and thinking. The easy ways to express your commitment to your relationships is
to show love and loyalty, respect and appreciate others, convey honesty and trust, work as
a team and compromise, and disagree agreeably.

The combination of the three (3) components can produce eight (8) types of love.

Types of Love Intimacy Passion Commitment Example

Nonlove No No No
Liking Yes No No Friendships
Infatuation No Yes No Experiencing love at first
sight or being obsessed
with a person
Empty Love No No Yes Stagnant Relationships or
Arrange marriage
Fatuous No Yes Yes Relationships motivated by
passion
Companionate Yes No Yes Relationships lacking
passion such as those
between family members or
close friends
Romantic Yes Yes No Being bonded emotionally
and physically to another
person
Consummate Yes Yes Yes Complete love
 Love occurs not solely between romantic partners only. Humans can experience different
types of love in various relationships, such as with romantic partners, friends, family and even
strangers. Ancient Greeks studied love and denote each type by giving each one a Greek name.
Lee (1973) offers a theory love styles which are derived from an analysis of writings about love
through centuries.

1. PHILIA – Affectionate Love

It is a love that runs deep in true friendship. Love without romantic attraction and occurs
between friends or family members. It is called brotherly love when both people share the
same values and respect each other.

Ways to show this love:

 Engage in deep conversation with a friend.

 Exchange beliefs and imperfections with close friends.
 Be open and trustworthy
 Be supportive in difficult times.

2. PRAGMA – Enduring Love

It is a mature love that develops over time. Commitment and efforts are needed to reach
“Pragma”. Instead of “falling in love”, you are “standing in love” with the partner by your side.

Ways to show this love:

 Continue to strengthen the bond of long-term relationships
 Seek and show effort with your partner.
 Choose to work with your partner forever.

3. STORGE – Familiar love

It is naturally occurring love rooted in parents and children, as well as best friends. It’s an
infinite love built upon acceptance and deep emotional connection. This love come easily and
immediately in parent and child relationships. It flows between parents and children or
childhood friends.

Ways to show this love:

 Sacrifice your time, self or personal pleasures.

 Quickly forgive harmful actions.
 Share memorable and impactful moments.
 Show gratitude towards the people close to you.

4. EROS – Romantic Love
It is a personal infatuation and physical pleasure. It is a passionate love displayed through
physical affection.

Ways to show this love:

 Admiring someone’s physical body

  Engage in physical touch such as hugging and kissing but it is not appropriate for you
yet.

5. LUDUS –Playful love

Flirting and beginning stages of intimate love. It is a child-like and flirtatious love found in the
beginning. This type of love consists of teasing, playful motives and laughter between two
people.

Ways to show this love:

 Spend time together to laugh and have fun

 Exemplify childlike behaviour together.

6. MANIA –Obsessive Love

Obsessiveness or madness over a love partner is mania. It leads to unwanted jealousy or
possessiveness.

Ways to avoid this love:

 Recognize obsessive or possessive behaviour before acting upon it.

 Focus on yourself more than another person.
 Put trust into your relationships

7. PHILAUTIA –Self Love

It is having a healthy “self-compassion” love towards one’s self.

It is when you recognize your self-worth and don’t ignore your personal needs. Self-love
begins with acknowledging your responsibility for your well-being.

Ways to show this love:

 Respect, accept ad appreciate yourself.

 Create environment that nurtures your well-being.
 Take care of yourself like a parent would care for a child
 Spend time around people who supports you.

8. AGAPE –Selfless Love

It is an empathetic attitude of love for everyone and anyone. It is the highest love to offer. It is
given without any expectations of receiving anything in return. It is considered as
unconditional love.

Ways to show this love:

 Dedicate your life to improve the lives of others.

 Stay conscious of your actions for the good of humankind.
 Offer your time and charity to someone in need.
 Express unconditional love in any situation