Improvements to the HL Essay

● Cut down paragraph on unoriginal concept

○ I had discussed Mary O’Hare’s definition of a war stereotype and the Children’s

Crusade, which lost points for originality. Therefore, I shortened this section so

that I could expand in other areas with more originality.

○ This will hopefully improve my score in Criterion A and C

○ Ex. “O’Hare even goes on to say that she doesn’t want “...her babies or anybody

else’s babies killed in wars” (Vonnegut 18-19), to which Vonnegut reassures her

that he would “‘...call it The Children’s Crusade…’” (19). By emphasizing how

everyone in war is babies, Vonnegut is contradicting the typical war stereotype,

instead suggesting that everyone is young, naive, and innocent when entering war.

Additionally, Vonnegut emphasizes the shared humanity through everyone having

children they want to keep safe. O’Hare recognizes this, and”

● Tied in topic of stereotype defined by O’Hare throughout essay

○ I didn’t tie back the various characterizations to Mary O’Hare’s definition of a

war stereotype (although it was implied), so I added some more sentences

connecting the analysis.

○ This will hopefully improve my score in Criterion C.

○ Ex. “This contrasts to the typical war stereotype presented by O’Hare where,

instead of being popular and “glamorous” (Vonnegut 18), Rumfoord is hated by

those around him.”

● Expanded on the characterization of the Englishmen

○ I expanded on my analysis of the Englishmen by showing how they defy typical

depictions of masculinity, and not just compassion.

○ This will hopefully improve my score in Criterion C.

○ Ex. “The Englishmen’s characterization is also not completely masculine,

demonstrated when the Englishmen performed “...a musical version of

Cinderella” (Vonnegut 123). Masculinity is a trait typically associated with

soldiers, with Frank Sinatra and John Wayne being hyper masculine. However,

the Englishmen are participating in a typically feminine story, suggesting real

soldiers are more nuanced than stereotypes. The silliness of the situation also

suggests a break from the serious, war-loving soldiers depicted in the media.”