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Rude HooliganThis is a stock cover image. We regularly add new custom covers so
come back tomorrow to see if we've made one for you.

Rude Hooligan
A Screenplay by Jane Doe
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Giving painter DR GARTH PLATT is arguing with funny teacher DR KATHY BOGTROTTER.
GARTH tries to hug KATHY but she shakes him off.

GARTH
Please Kathy, don't leave me.
KATHY
I'm sorry Garth, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces
his fears head on, instead of running away.
GARTH
I am such a person!
KATHY frowns.

KATHY
I'm sorry, Garth. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
KATHY leaves.

GARTH sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, brave hairdresser MS JESSICA VADER barges in looking flustered.

GARTH
Goodness, Jessica! Is everything okay?
JESSICA
I'm afraid not.
GARTH
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
JESSICA
It's ... a hooligan ... I saw an evil hooligan devour a bunch of elderly gents!
GARTH
Defenseless elderly gents?
JESSICA
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
GARTH
Bloomin' heck, Jessica! We've got to do something.
JESSICA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
GARTH
You can start by telling me where this happened.
JESSICA
I was...
JESSICA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

GARTH
Focus Jessica, focus! Where did it happen?
JESSICA
A Sweet Shop! That's right - A Sweet Shop!
GARTH springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

GARTH rushes along the street, followed by JESSICA. They take a short cut through
some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

DICK BLACKMAN a rude hooligan terrorises two elderly gents.

GARTH, closely followed by JESSICA, rushes towards DICK, but suddenly stops in his
tracks.

JESSICA
What is is? What's the matter?
GARTH
That's not just any old hooligan, that's Dick Blackman!
JESSICA
Who's Dick Blackman?
GARTH
Who's Dick Blackman? Who's Dick Blackman? Only the most rude hooligan in the
universe!
JESSICA
Blinkin' knickers, Garth! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the
most rude hooligan in the universe!
GARTH
You can say that again.
JESSICA
Blinkin' knickers, Garth! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the
most rude hooligan in the universe!
GARTH
I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.
Dick turns and sees Garth and Jessica. He grins an evil grin.

DICK
Garth Platt, we meet again.
JESSICA
You've met?
GARTH
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young GARTH is sitting in a park listening to some flute music, when suddenly a
dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees DICK. He takes off his headphones.

DICK
Would you like some wine gums?
GARTH's eyes light up, but then he studies DICK more closely, and looks uneasy.

GARTH
I don't know, you look kind of rude.
DICK
Me? No. I'm not rude. I'm the least rude hooligan in the world.
GARTH
Wait, you're a hooligan?
GARTH runs away, screaming.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - PRESENT DAY

DICK
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
JESSICA
(To GARTH) You ran away?
GARTH
(To JESSICA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
GARTH turns to DICK.

GARTH
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
GARTH runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

GARTH
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.
DICK
I'm not scared of you.
GARTH
You should be.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY

GARTH and JESSICA walk around searching for something.

GARTH
I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.
JESSICA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.
GARTH
You know nothing Jessica Vader.
JESSICA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, DICK appears, holding a pair of rainbows.

DICK
Looking for something?
JESSICA
Crikey, Garth, he's got your rainbows.
GARTH
Tell me something I don't already know!
JESSICA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
GARTH
I know that already!
JESSICA
I pick my nose and eat it.
DICK
(appalled) Dude!
While DICK is looking at JESSICA with disgust, GARTH lunges forward and grabs his
deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.

GARTH
Prepare to die, you rude cabbage!
DICK
No please! All I did was devour a bunch of elderly gents!
KATHY enters, unseen by any of the others.

GARTH
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless!
Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Garth Platt defender of innocent
elderly gents.
DICK
Don't hurt me! Please!
GARTH
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!
DICK
Because Garth, I am your father.
GARTH looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

GARTH
No you're not!
DICK
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
DICK tries to grab the rainbows but GARTH dodges out of the way.

GARTH
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, DICK slumps to the ground.

JESSICA
Did he just faint?
GARTH
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic
conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.
GARTH crouches over DICK's body.

JESSICA
Be careful, Garth. It could be a trick.
GARTH
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Dick Blackman is dead!
GARTH
What?
GARTH
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
JESSICA claps her hands.

JESSICA
So your rainbows did save the day, after all.
KATHY steps forward.

KATHY
Is it true? Did you kill the rude hooligan?
GARTH
Kathy how long have you been...?
KATHY puts her arm around GARTH.

KATHY
Long enough.
GARTH
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Dick Blackman.
KATHY
Then the elderly gents are safe?
GARTH
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.

KATHY
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to GARTH.

GARTH
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Dick Blackman
will never devour elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
KATHY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes GARTH a tinkling bell

KATHY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
GARTH
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

GARTH
Well, if you insist.
GARTH takes the bell.

GARTH
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
GARTH turns to KATHY.

GARTH
Does this mean you want me back?
KATHY
Oh, Garth, of course I want you back!
GARTH smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

GARTH
Well you can't have me.
KATHY
WHAT?
GARTH
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a hooligan to death before you
would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
KATHY
But...
GARTH
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through
thick and thin - my best friend, Jessica.
JESSICA grins.

KATHY
But...
JESSICA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
KATHY
Garth?
GARTH
I'm sorry Kathy, but I think you should skidaddle.
KATHY leaves.

JESSICA turns to GARTH.

JESSICA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
GARTH
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JESSICA stops.

JESSICA
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the
hooligan don't you?
THE END

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