You MeetIn Hell J By Jessica Zafra Design and Digital Imaging by Ige Ramos ANVILThe 500 People You Meet in Hell by Jessi 1 Copyright © JESSICA ZAFRA, 2006 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced = in any form or by any means without the written permission Ef the copyright owner and the publisher. Published and exclusively distributed by “ANVIL PUBLISHING I 8007-8 Pioneer St. Bay. Kapitolyo, Pasig City 1608 Philippines Sales end Marketing 637-3621; 637-5141 marketingaanvilpublishing com | Fax: 637-6084 ww wwanvitpublishine First printing, 2006 cond printing, 2007 Design and digital imaging by IGE RAMOS. ISBN 978-971-27-1829-8 Printed in the Philippines by COR-ASIA, Inc. Other books by Jessica Zafra Manananggal Terrorizes Manila and Other Storie Womenagerie and Other Tales from the Front Chicken Pox for the Sout Pinoy Elections: A Guide to the Dismayado Twisted Flicks Twisted Travels and the Twisted series: Twisted Twisted 2: Spawn of Twisted Twisted 3: Planet of the Twisted Twisted 4: The Twisted Menace Twisted V4 6 s 37 J 83 f21 138 Your Passport to Hell Disclaimer The Fiery Pit of People You Actually Know The Maelstrom of the Exes The Cursed Circle of the Former Friends The Chasm of People You Don't Know Personally, But Whose Toxic Slime Oozes into Your Life The Septic Tank of Public Officials and Politicians Ballot(Unless you think you deserve ‘t ee ne Pe eeu Te TG BTU eet cf poo 1 4\soyou'dhave tobelieve that there IS Hell, asin an actual physical Location that sinners are thrown into after they've departed this mortal coil Some would argue that we are already in Hell, we're just anaesthetizing ~=s2lves with shopping, overpriced frappuccinos. endless ers, and bad telenovelas) re just visiting the place, Uke Dante Alighieri (Ves, he name, unlike Madonna and Prince, and Da Vinci is -conardo came from, not Fis surname) touring the You will notice that many of the damned wham encounter on your joumey are still living, ie ‘our world with their presence, This is possble ‘our Guided Tour of Hell is happening aurside the space and time, beyond logic and sense, and ty. = & Gfferently, it UL be like those field trips we took = thrd grade: to the museum to see historical events, reenacted by litle dolls, to the ice cream plant to watch rocky road being made, and to the 200. where the gorilla Jerks off and hurls something at your teacher. who shrieks but won't dscuss what just happened. [This is partly why your den-witted (attention-deficit disorder, dyslexia, and other leaming disabilities had not yet been dagnosed, so we just assumed they were dumb) seatmate continued to believe that babies came from the stork, got knocked up in high school, and was maried off to a worthless jackess] Yesit'sa field trip loaded with excting dscoveres stunning revelations, possbly Joycean epiphanies, and best of all. wish fulfilment. Thanks to this book. you won't have to personally dspatch anyone to Hell, no matter how foul and loathsome ths creature is, thus berating you from the prospect of going to Hell yourself ‘Assuring that there is a Hell, which we're not saying there isn’t Your Passport To Hell + 5ut what about murderers, rapists, pedophiles, and the more obvious { candidates for eternal damnation? We decided that since you and | and probably even they know they're doomed, we don’t need to waste ink and paper on them, “owever, many of the obviously Hellbound are also politicians, and politicians can elude themselves along with their constituents about their goodness and virtue. So we included murderers. rapists and pedophiles who are ALSO politicians, Warning: This is a fairly nasty book, and it should be kept away from the irony- challenged and anyone who takes things too literally, Disclaimer +7ce se ae es oy >rcies descendin PE OF the =a { yadually - fo in i Cay ee OS BOE SO the” piri sto ComiPsé Whe gy ih i are my? sOA TSO rs..4 wh ; oe Pergo [hbo Call times i: agpsical and bibtic® Miguinyto ep, V4gy cost pdttts netaes, oP OF, Popes, POlitieans, queers: ee aa. f : % rel pentine AUSANS QF ye wee og ee punishment 2 ns ed by the Aristotenan classifica, — of Vices. Ax agg bolt?” e ture ed a0 g therefore farthestfrom Godis lacing “pos DER. h. igi eave eae the Mernal chasry He punch, oceans tg) : , ma ' Centtaal” Mey of costa, st Np BSR eH IN Nees Fey (0EHS (CaGHer Wil said you would never amount to anythingor the sake of argument let us assume that she was right and you did turn out to be a worthless, pathetic Loser. She would still be a bitch, not to mention an incompetent teacher. Teachers aren't just supposed to drill Lessons into your skull. they're supposed to inspire you to make something of itself, no matter how crummy the raw material It’s part of their iption, and the fact that teachers are horrendously underpaid, overworked, and appreciated is beside the point. If you're a Loser. it’s partly her fault or being a rotten teacher. she is doomed to write ‘I was an incompetent teacher who -uined the lives of my students’ 100 times on the blackboard, and then erase everything art all over again. For all eternity, With no bathroom breaks.igh school was a preview of Hell, due largely to the ‘sadistic tendencies of your personal demon, (PUT NAME HERE). He put gum in your hair, pulled your chair out from under you, called you names, vandalized your Locker, and drew funny pictures ‘of you on the blackboard. And being a real bully, he infected everyone around him so = ‘you had to deal with a school full of bullies making fun of you. Why he picked on you © particular, you have no idea. Maybe he secretly llked you (EEUWW. GROSS) or he was miserable at ome or his parents beat the crap out of him. ‘= s comforting to think that such bullies will get their comeuppance and become failures, but empirical idence shows that cruelty and obnoxiousness are not obstacles to success; they may even be assets. Fortunately there is a Hell, and in it the bully is condemned to spend the next quinzillion years or so 2 high school Locker room, naked, drenched in the sweat of fear, running from nine-foot-tall bullies who kick him, snap wet towels at his ass, force him to clean the toilets with his tongue, and point and Leush hysterically at his shrunken bits. The Fiery Pit of People You Actually Know + 13,14 The S00 People You Meet In Hell teacher who told you that if you can’t sing well, don’t sing at all11 case you still don't get it, not all of us are talented individuals, It’s not a simple matter of discovering one’s hidden abilities and developing them with the guidance of a sympathetic mentor: sometimes there's just nothing there. If you are honest with yourself, your life will be so much more pleasant. That said, | must point out that singing is an inalienable right (Although itis possible 2buse it: see Karaoke’, and that if everyone on television who had no singing talent would shut up, we'd hear only dead silence. You can sing al you want. and the helL ch your killjoy music teacher. aking of Hell, you will run into her there, in a bare, padded room, strapped ir that administers periodic electric jolts to prevent her from losing sousness as her ears are assaulted with every single Air Supply song = written,ae PC , ed amie reejolence to others is a disappointment to God, Adultery is a disappointment to God. But not doing your homework because you honestly forgot? Wearing a skirt more than three inches above your knees? Yawning in religion class? Clearly, that nun lacked a sense of proportion. She was probably Locked in a cell before she even Learned to think. In Hell she attempts to make conversation with the other tormented souls, but everything they say sounds to her like, “You are a disappointment to God," So she spends forever flogging herself and wears barbed-wire underwear as penance, but she will have no peace. ‘The Fiery Pit of People You Actually Know + I7— The yaya = =) who said that I if you didn’t stop crying the aswang/ bumbay/ inchik would eat youhat's great: pass your ignorance on to the next generation. Bring up racists and bigots. In Hell this yaya is condemned to run without stopping as she is pursued by creatures from lower Philippine mythology: manananggel, winged half-women who suck the viscera out of the living: tiyanak, demon imps disguised as small. children; tikbalang, creatures that are seif-men and half-horse; and mangkukulam, witches who cause live animals to grow in e's stomachs and eat them up from inside out. ‘The Fiery Pt of People You Ache grows fatter and fatter until her enormous mass causes her to implode and become a black hole. it of People You Actually KnoThe cousin who broke all yourSp here is some justice in this world, so this destructive little iar probably grew | up friendless. Now in Hell, she is forever eight years old and walking down the endless aisle of the most wonderful. spectacular, supercalifraglistic toy store in the universe, The shelves are Lined with every single toy ever © invented, and some that haven't been invented yet. Each time she tries to pick up a toy from a shelf, the toy moves just out of her reach, She can never play with any of these fantastic toys. Occasionally a bunch of eight-year-old kids run into the store and grab toys from the shelves. When she tries to play with them, they break the toys on her head. The Fiery Pit of People You Actually Know’ + 23is perpetual punishment is to recite from memory the complete value of Pi, down to the last decimal place, or the entire text of James Joyce's Finnegan's Wake to a room full of cranky scholars. Every time he makes a mistake, he gets pelted From all comers with balled-up pieces of paper that weigh like boulders. Then he has to start at the very beginning. In the extremely unlikely event that he ever gets <0 the end of Pi or Finnegan's Wake, he moves on to the next assignment: mathematical proof of ‘at's Theorem, or Marcel Proust's In Search of Lost Time in the original French ‘The Fiery Pit of People You Actually Know + 25a Hi The neighbors |i ig who haven’t £,. stopped yowling since they got iY , their Pr a4 ' machinehey are condemned to an eternity without sleep, trapped inside a smoky, reeking karaoke bar where the music is so loud it causes their brains to melt and run out of their ears There they must sing without stopping while they are « clubbed and poked with giant microphones by putrid demons requesting ‘My Way’,i ay ait Pihey are tied up, then barrels of petroleum are poured down their throats until petroleum gushes out of their noses and ears. Then when they are completely bloated, they are made to Ue on the floor while devils jump up and down on their bellies. Meanwhile frisky LittLe imps throw Uit firecrackers at them, and if the pyrotechnics get into their mouths they explode. The Fery Pit of People You Actually Know * 22{always noted ‘how not pretty you were, and Suggested you were adoptedhy would an adult take pleasure in making a child feel ugly and freakish, unless he was tormented by the knowledge of his own hideousness? In Hell. he is perpetually pregnant. Every three months he gives birth to a monster who Looks at him, Laughs hysterically. and slithers away. The Fiery Pit of People You Actually Know » 31" ) ‘the popular u_.) > girls who made fun of you forhey spend eternity at a high school dance where everyone is Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking, and no one ever asks them to dance. They can't get anything to eat or drink from the fabulous buffet unless they can solve a complex equation. Since they can't solve any of the puzzles, they wither away from starvation and thirst, The Fery Pit of People You Actually Know =35The ex who cheated on you then accused ,you of cheating » } yon him “sz1 apple is stuffed in his mouth and he is roasted over hot coals in a fancy restaurant. As he tums on the spit, he can watch you having dinner with Johnny Depp. He shrieks, squirms, and desperately tries to get your attention, but you do not notice him. Why would you, you're having Gener with Johnny Depp (or Orlando Bloom or whoever you likel.n Hell he becomes useful for a change: he is transformed into a battery. He floats in a vat of acid with wires attached to his body, providing power for Hell's assorted Machines ‘of Eternal Torment, including The Neverending Celine Dion Jukebox and The Meg Ryan Perpetual Film Festival. ‘The Maelstrom of the Exes + 41. = The secret { a >, » misogynistince he hated women, he gets to m Specifically, maid a a bustier, black lace apron, fishnet 5 a i at Hell's Men's Club, where grotesque, claws, chew on him with their fan‘emember the scene in Being John Malkovich where John Malkovich enters the portal into his own brain, and everyone not only looks exactly like him, but every word they utter is ‘Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich’? The Hell of your stalker ex is like that, except that instead of Malkovich, everyone is YOU, and everything they say is “(YOUR NAME, YOUR NAME, YOUR NAME)’, He Uterally cannot get away from you cause you are everywhere and everybody. It's reverse-stalking until the end of time, and to cap f his misery, he can never have you. ‘The Maelstrom of the Exes + 45,46 + The 500 People You Meet In Helle is slowly flayed alive by cackling devils wielding dull knives His skin is tured into small leather products such as coin purses, key rings, and billfolds. These accessories retain his consciousness, so he remembers every vile thing he ever said about you, and spends infinity wracked with guilt.is punishment is to sit in a packed movie theater with all his friends, relatives, coworkers, former classmates, everyone he's ever known in his life, and watch a documentary of the most embarrassing. shameful moments in his life. While he cringes, sweats. and prays for the earth to open up and swallow him, the moviegoers & laugh merrily at his unhappy Life, At the end of the screening he gets his wish: the earth opens up and swallows him, only to spit him out into another movie theatre for the next screening of his crimes, misdemeanors, and shortcomings. It never ends. The Maelstrom of the &The incredibly needy ex who called you twenty times a day and threatened to commit suicide every time you tried — to break up with him1 Dante's Inferno, the souls of peop! | sleide are imprisoned / ina forest. Each day Harpies—hagelbrds 0 e jomen-feed on anyone breaks off a leaf. twig, 0 ~ 1 In this Hell, your overly needy, al forest. In the daytime, couples romp ars |CUCUCC k li i cAtrretunt Ae 1 -you’d been seeing Peet ee Ch Bi ae “9K Ae te SA ak reathach Pei) Ce ditched you| ery orifice in his body. including his pores, is stopped up so that there is no way for “sweat, snot, and other bodily emissions to come out. He is completely backed up and in dreadful agony. It is the worst case of constipation in the history of the universe, | with no possiblity of relief. He feels like he's about to explode. In fact he wishes * that he would explode so his suffering would come to an end. He Just keeps swelling and expanding until he is a giant ball of pain. Bet he misses you then. The Maelstrom of the Exes + 53e is Locked up in 2 cell with the most notorious sex offenders and serial rapists in history. His afterlife becomes an endless XXX-rated episode of Oz, minus the moments of compassion.The ex who @ couldn’t'stand | ef BCRHell no one remembers who he is or what he did in his lifetime, not even his family and friends. He is simply known as Your Ex. He tries to tell them his name and offer proof of his previous existence, but it’s no use: he will always be the piece of toilet paper dislodged from the heel of your shoe. When devils hit him over the head with anvils and stab him h pitchforks, they don’t even address him by his name since no one cares what itis. ‘The Meelstrom ¢Apo 5B. Tesh Be eine hs‘= passes a bowling ball in his urine every day for the next few kajllion years. ‘The Maelstrom of the Exes +his cheapskate and deadbeat is sentenced to perpetual labor in the Hottest, Filthiest, Most Disgusting Kitchen in Hell where he must wash mountains of greasy plates, pots, and pans forever. No matter how many dishes he does, the mountain never grows smaller The Maelstrom of the Exes - 61| 'The insanely — jealous psycho creep 62 The 500 People You Meet In Hellsiaf SiC he phrase ‘eaten up by jealousy’ takes a very Stephen King turn seaftee Jealous psycho ex is thrown into a dank dungeon without food or f nt hee is absolutely nothing to eat in the joint, not even rats or cockroaches. Fi fh a is driven by hunger to eat the only food available—himself. First he gnaw in aes \ extremities, then he consumes his own internal organs. In time all “i ofhim i: / = mouth and a stomach, Thank you, Mr. king :