Relationship Boundary Mapping

Our relationships organize themselves in our

Inner Circle: These are the people who you feel Unsafe/Unknown: This is
life whether we realize it or not. Often it is
most trusting and safe with. People who you can ex- the big wide world. People you may
based on cultural and family norms— the most
press vulnerability and will not shame or judge you. or may not know and you have no
These are people who you know you can count on and expectation of trust or who are
common one is “blood is thicker than water”
who support you unconditionally. known offenders and abusers. meaning family is who you should turn to for
Boundary level 1 Boundary level 4 safety and support above all others.
But what about when family and close family
Circling the Runway ties are abusive or unhealthy? How can we set
These are people you have better boundaries?
had a positive experience
When we don’t pay attention to our need for
with and no red flags but not
boundaries and safety in relationship we can
known long enough to deter-
mine whether they are really become a relationship MANAGER and lose
safe for inner circle admis- time and energy for ourselves. Or worse, we
sion. Boundary level 2 can become unsafe and traumatized.
Many times, conflict in relationship arises
when we want someone to be where they
Community:
don’t really belong and we attach expectations
These are the people
who you know and to their level of support and connection that
have connection with they can’t live up to or don’t work for the rela-
on a regular or pur- tionship.
poseful basis. They
may be people you Look at the circles to the left and determine
trust and feel safe with who belongs where—forget about cultural
or they may not but the norms and, more importantly, let go of expec-
relationship is neces-
tations. Reflect on behaviors, experiences and
sary and/or useful.
where you FEEL SAFEST to determine where
Boundary level 3
they belong in the proper place for YOU
Copyright 2015 Help Within Reach, Pamela Raphael MA
 Guide for Boundary Ratings
My go to, safest most loving friends and family—I trust them and they trust me. I know they are there for me
Safest
unconditionally
1
I have consistently seen they are trustworthy and safe to be with but I may not share everything or see them as
Safe
much yet

I feel safe sharing intimate things about my life because the relationship is part of my professional support sys-
Mostly Safe
tem—doctor, therapist etc.
2
I feel they have been trustworthy but I haven’t known them long enough to invite them into the inner circle—so
Mostly Safe
I am still deciding how much I want to share but looking good so far

I have just met them or see them regularly but do not or cannot share certain things about myself because the
Moderately
relationship doesn’t call for it
3
I have trusted but it was not reciprocated or who have given me reason not to trust or avoid trusting them but
Moderately
they have not been harmful (thoughtlessness) or inappropriate (such as age)

They have shown they are not trustworthy by their actions and behaviors toward others — or they are
Less Sure
strangers to me personally

My trust has been betrayed and I feel I must protect my feelings and emotions around this person - even of
Broken Trust
they say they did not intend to hurt me
4
I do not know this person and the circumstances feel unsafe for me to extend trust—I am in a new place or situ-
Unknown
ation and I don’t know if it is safe

Someone who has abused me or others—who has deliberately caused me harm or harmed a member of my
Most Unsafe
community, dangerous to me and others. Avoid connection, seek safety and have backup

Copyright 2015 Help Within Reach, Pamela Raphael MA