Listening as a Primary Negotiating Skill 29

occasion, paraphrase back to you what he or she has heard. For

example, your friend might say, ‘‘So, your boss is not giving you
any feedback on how well or poorly you’re doing. Do I have that
right?’’ Paraphrasing is nothing more than occasionally repeating
in your own words what the other person has said. The listener
should demonstrate interest in what you say through a nod, a
smile, or a comment such as ‘‘I see’’ or ‘‘Tell me more.’’ Your team
member, the listener, should avoid trying to solve your problem
for you. As a listener, he or she must allow you to discover the
answer on your own, which will make you much more committed
to the solution! Directly solving another person’s problem is not
reflective listening!
When you and your team member have finished this exercise,
discuss how the technique made you, the speaker, feel. Then ask
your friend, the reflective listener, how difficult or easy he or she
found it to paraphrase. You and your friend will discover that being
a good reflective listener requires taking an active part in what
some consider a passive activity—listening!
Now reverse roles so that you become the reflective listener
and your friend becomes the speaker. Then repeat the discussion
following the exercise.
Remember, this is a new way of approaching communication.
Expect reflective listening to be difficult the first or second time you
do it. But keep in mind the benefits that come from the process.
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A TIP ON TAKING NOTES
Good listeners give the speaker their full attention. They listen
first and evaluate later, and they don’t interrupt except to ask for
clarification or, as recommended above, to demonstrate interest
through paraphrasing. And they keep note taking to a minimum.
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However, in negotiations it is often useful to write down points

of agreement as they are made. ‘‘So we agree that after we purchase

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