The Feeling When In The Dark

It is true that being in a gloomy environment can be painful, especially if you're by yourself. The
environment is gloomy and silent, and you have nobody nearby with whom to converse or express
your emotions.

Before I started, those who experienced pain often overthink and suddenly cry without knowing,
you will be surprised with tears falling from your eyes. it's only grade 6 because it's not too strict
when my dad told me that because every time my friends and I go out he doesn't really agree ever
since I'm only going out of the house for a while is that to talk to your neighbor and when you come
back he'll beat you up right away Even if you play outside for 10 minutes, you will be scolded
immediately. But it was okay at that time because I was still young and we really couldn't wander
anywhere.

Then when I was in grade 7, at the end of the school year, the section was allowed to go
swimming, then I wasn't really excited at that time. even if it's only given to me now because it's the
last time I'm going to earn money and the next school year we won't be in class, I don't know if we'll
pay attention to that, I'm not really allowed then the time when they're all prepared it's like the pain
It hurt because they were all enjoying themselves then you were at home just complaining in the
room, I didn't really pay attention to my dad for one day one night.

I'm not that bitter to ignore those in your class if they pay attention to me and make friends, of
course from grade 8 to grade 10 our circle of friends will not change, 11 of us will hang out without
my dad knowing that I have many friends at school. because that was at the time when I was
allowed to leave the house but even though I was allowed to leave the house I still didn't leave the
house in the room I was always locked in co color doing modules and enjoying myself even in the
room I have three brothers who can talk

In grade 7, the covid was quite ok at that time, my friends always forced me to eat outside and
hang out at school, then sometimes my dad would let me go, sometimes it was not really possible,
then when I was able to wander there, I realized that it was fun. It's the fact that you can enjoy the
outdoors with friends, then they go with me to my friend's farm, wandering around their orchard, it's
fun to enjoy wandering, then you'll go to a place that's super relaxing. Seeing nature, fresh air, and
not just washing dishes and brothers only you can see and talk to you every day.

In grade 10, it was like my parents' relationship had become blurred, suddenly when it happened, I
was shocked, they were fighting every time I see them fighting, it to see and hear your parents
fighting because we can't do anything because it's so bad. Also, our fear of our father is really strict
and hurtful especially when he is drunk, it is a sin to be beaten right away. and when it comes to
studying, you don't have any support. I never once heard him say that he was proud of us. I was
even more down when I always heard that I couldn't do it and get better early, so for us. My
brother, especially to me, always says bad words that are stupid, stupid, worthless, I can't take
advantage of those words, that's why every night I hide under the blanket crying until I fall asleep.

Moving up at that time, no one really came with me, no one from my parents attended, so my
cousin invited me to come with me and it would be fine and he agreed, then at that time after
moving up at night, I really cried, was that it? I feel like I don't deserve everything, like everything I
do all the time is wrong. That's why I made a decision to stay away from my family, mostly from my
parents, so that even once I wouldn't hear their negative comments about me.

I transferred at TNHS thinking it would be a relief but it's hard because the problems that keep
coming in your life first is that I became a broken family and thirdly my mom pours out her anger on
my dad what I always hear from her is the gay aka sa Your father's attitude is like that, the third
thing is that I blame everything that happened in my family, that's why they got divorced because I
didn't do anything, then about my studies, no, I can't really do fucos because I carry the pain all the
way to school, it's like the hard work when all of a sudden your problems enter your mind then
every night I cry until I fall asleep when I'm studying it's really hard because the things that
happened to my family always come to my mind then my chest sometimes when I hold back I feel
it's hard to breathe. sometimes it's hard to talk to everyone, it's like you're always angry at their
point of view if you don't talk to them, sometimes it's hard to study, eat, get up, but I'll fight for my
family's dream and to prove to them that I can overcome it all and I can finish my studies even if
they don't believe I can and even if they don't trust me

That's why we learned a lesson from the lord that no matter how much the torture is and no matter
how painful the words are, if you really persevere in your studies and really want to make your
dreams come true, you will really ignore all the negative things they say to you. you will really fight
and persevere in everything you want to do in your life. just trust and trust the Lord