Bard Stuff

Limericks

A ship hand just north of the Dales

An expert at pissing in gales

Could piss in a jar

From a topgallant spar

Without even wetting the sails!

==

An angsty young gnome, named Finn,

could barely come up to her chin.

The wench sighed "Cut us some slack,

I will lay on my back,

So you can easily let yourself in."

==

T'was once a dragon of old,

who sat on a trove of gold;

A thief tried to steal,

but due to his zeal,

his failures linger untold.

==
"There was once a Red Wizard of Thay
Who would polish his wand every day
He'd oil up the shaft
Work his wizardly craft
And produce a most magical spray!"
==
The Nobleman laid with the scullery maid,

So loudly, they made quite a riot.

The Nobleman's Wife took the butchering knife,

And carved herself some peace and quiet.

==
"There once was a maiden from Morningstar Hollow.
She didn't talk much, but boy, did she swallow.
I had a nice lance that she sat upon.
The maiden from Morningstar who is also your mom."
==
Have you heard of the Rogue named Red?
He took a king's daughter to bed
But when daddy did knock
The whole town was in shock
For he neglected his pants as he fled
==
I once crossed paths with a witch
With a most peculiar twitch
Evard's Black Tentacles
Targeted the genitals
Of anyone who called her a bitch
==
Now this right old man was a sick 'un 
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin' 
He'd chase 'em around 
With his trousers pulled down 
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"
==

On the moors Mist walked in a daze 

There she'd bark at the moon and the haze 
Still her friends weren't concerned 
For by now they had learned 
Once a month she would go through this phase.
==

There was a young tar from the sea

Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
The results were most horrid -
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.
==
I have been on dozens of larks;
I like it indoors, not in parks.
You feel more at ease,
Your ass doesn't freeze;
And strollers don't make snide remarks.
==
A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
==
The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide
==
I love a [sunburnt] country,
A land of [sweeping] plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of [droughts] and [flooding] rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel-sea,
Her beauty and her terror -
The wide [brown] land for me!

There was a young sailor named Bates

Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

There is a rumor about druids, no matter their sex, race or

background... 
They are all beasts in the bedroom.
Once a priest messed up his morning prayers and prepared the
wrong spells to cure the party.....
It was a clerical error.
Have you heard about the thief who opened a business?
Its called Legitimate Lee's gently used goods.

What Do You Call An Adventuring Party With No Musician?

The best party, Bard none
Why does the farmer always play music out in the fields?
He's growing bardley
Did you hear about the Beholder that opened a school?
It was justified, considering the amount of pupils he had.
Did you hear about the automaton that went to the party?
Turns out, he was just a social construct
What does a Paladin eat for breakfast?
Oathmeal.
I once knew a ranger who loved to eat everything he killed. 
To him, everything was a flavoured enemy.
What is the best way for an Elf to kill a Human? 
Wait 100 years.
The dwarf and elf hatred runs deep. Even the elves taverns have
signs that say
"No Miners."
An edgy teenager was caught summoning twig blights to assault
human males; when asked why...
... he said he wanted to stick it to the man
After the Gnome was incapacitated, he begged the fighter....
...but he showed Gnomercy.
What do you call a group of musical orcs?
An Orchestra!
Never trust a gnome wizard...
They're quite illusive.
Making undead children is so expensive...
It takes a whole village to raise one.
There's a rumor going on about those elves...
But don't worry, it's just earsay.
The bard's act was so bad that he was arrested...
He was charged with breaking and enter-tain-ing, luting, and
destruction of mockery.
Unlike other dwarves, This one kept his silvery beard meticulously
groomed and clean, never letting a crumb or a drop or ale get in to
it.
That's why he was known as "Stainless" Steelbeard.
A bard had his musical instrument enchanted to speak, but no one
trusted what it said...
It was a lyre.
Where is the best place to hit a cleric?
In the temple.
What do you call a giant with psychic powers?
A psyclops
Two Giants walk into a bar... 
The first is an executioner and the second is a farmer. The first one
drinks until he passes out, but the second stops after two drinks.
Because he doesn't want to wake up with a hang-ogre
What do you call a half-giant half-ooze?
An ogre jelly.
There is a challenge to catch the biggest monster in the seven
seas, and someone already brought back a giant squid.
If we're going to win, we'd better get Kraken.
Hey, have you noticed that giant has been following us for the past
hour?
Yeah- I would say he has bean stalking us.
We were both surprised when my lightning bolt backfired, making
the zombie stronger and dealing damage to me.
I was shocked and he was a ghast
Mindflayers like dwarves the best. 
They tend to be beer-battered.
Why are they called beholders if they have no hands?
Seems like they don't be holding anything
Why do tabaxi have it easy in comedy? 
They're proficient in just kitten.
Why did the Paladin love breakfast?

It was waffle good!

The Human Bard was doing his best to make a group of dwarves
laugh, but they didn't seem to grasp any of his jokes... 
...they were flying right over their heads.
A merchant gave me a wand of lightning, but it didn't work... 
...probably because it was free of charge.
So I asked the Rust Monster what made my coins so yummy and
he said.... 
"They're Minted."

Sixty seconds now feels more like thirty

Tick-tock, won't stop, around it goes
Sand through the glass sure falls in a hurry
And all you keep trying to do is slow it down, soak it in
Keep trying to make the good times last as long as you can
But you can't, man
It just goes too fast

When was the last time you did something for the first time?
Yeah, let yourself go, follow that feeling
Maybe something new is what you're needing
Like a real life, let your hair down, feel alive
When was the last time you did something for the first time?

In case you didn't know

Baby I'm crazy bout you
And I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don't tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
In case you didn't know

“that night was just like you… unforgettable”

But she said, where'd you wanna go?

How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can kiss
I want something just like this

Some people settle for the typical thing

Livin' all their lives waitin' in the wings
It ain't a question of 'if', just a matter of time
Before I move to the front of the line

To stand out 
Above the crowd
Even if I gotta shout out loud
'Til mine is the only face you see
Gonna stand out 'til you notice me, yeah

"Everyone dies. I'm going to make sure I get to really live first."