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Chapter 4
What Will Happen If I Do This?
The Law of Sowing and Reaping

S ally had big plans for the family. They were going to Disney-
land, and she relished the idea of the fun they were going
to have. Planning to leave at noon, she began at breakfast to think
of what everyone needed to do before they left. She wanted
her son Jason to do some yard work he had been putting off—
a common occurrence—because they had to return some rakes
and things to a friend that day.
Sally told Jason that he “must” do the work before they left.
She emphasized how it had to “absolutely” be done before 11:30
A.M., so he needed to make sure he started soon. An hour later
he had not started, and she reminded him again. Thirty minutes
after that, she repeated the reminder.
She got busy with some other things and at 11:30 walked into
the den, only to find Jason watching television.
“What are you doing?” she screamed. “I told you to get the
yard done before we left. Now we are all going to be late! I
cannot believe that you have done this to us.”
She continued complaining angrily until she, Dad, one sis-
ter, and Jason had all chipped in to get the yard work done so
that they could finally leave at 1:10 P.M. The ride to Disney-
land was less than amiable, filled with quiet scorn for Jason. The
 SA L LY ’ S CO N S E Q U E N C ES VS .
S USA N ’ S CO N S E Q U E NC ES
What Will Happen If I Do This? 59

Sally’s Consequences Susan’s Consequences

for Jason for Jen

• Nagging through the • No nagging along the way.

morning so that Jason didn’t
have to watch the time.
• Screaming and displays of
anger that got the attention
off the real problem—
lateness—and turned Sally
into the real problem for
Jason. For example, instead
of “I am late and in danger
of missing something,” the
problem became “I have a
crazy mother.”
• Taking the victim stance to
the child’s behavior—“We
are going to be late. Look
what you’ve done”—thus
teaching the child that he is
in control of the whole
family’s day and mood.
• Stirring up all the wrong
emotions in the child (guilt,
resentment, and anger)
instead of the only one that
helps him change—sadness.
• Worst of all, making sure
that the behavior did not
cost the child anything but
grief from Mom, toward
which he has long since
become deaf.
She assumed that Jen
could read a clock if she
wanted to.
• No emotional reactions that
would make her a problem
for Jen.
• Not being victimized by the
behavior of the child. She
stayed in control of her own
life, not letting Jen’s
behavior derail the family’s
plan or mood.
• Stirring up no emotional
reactions in Jen and thus
letting Jen be free to
experience her own loss.
• Making sure the behavior
cost the child the
opportunity to do something
that she valued.

reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful
nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows
to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life” (Gala-
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Chapter 6
I Can’t Do It All,
But I’m Not Helpless, Either
The Law of Power

W hen I (Dr. Townsend) was seven, I started reading Tom

Sawyer, and I knew it was time to run away from home.
Sick of my parents and siblings, I knew I could make it with-
out them. So one Saturday, I found a stick and a red bandanna,
into which I packed my basic survival tools: peanut butter sand-
wich, flashlight, compass, ball, and two small green plastic army
action figures.
I left the house in the afternoon and walked a couple of blocks
down the street to the woods. Resolutely, I trudged where no boy
had ever gone before. The trail ended, and the brush got thick. I
ate my sandwich. It got dark. I heard sounds. It was time to go home.
I remember walking back home thinking, This is really
crummy. I don’t want to go home. Nobody’s making me go home.
But I need to go home. There I was, wanting to be powerful
and independent, yet faced with my own powerlessness.

Power and Children

At some time or another, most children have similar experi-
ences. They think they are grown-up, strong, and without lim-
itations. They become overconfident and cocky in their omnipo-
tence. Then, if parents don’t get in God’s way, kids run into
hurt you and that you don’t like that. This builds a sense of
empathic responsibility in your kid. We all need to know that we
can hurt people we value and that if we continue this in life,
we will have
PRIN problems
C IPL E S Omaking
F P OW andEkeeping
R D EVELOgood relationships.
P M ENT
This orients the child toward taking ownership of the power he
has to affect others.

Principles of Power Development

The basic concepts to keep in mind as you work with your
child on owning what is his and adapting to what is another’s are
summarized in the graph below:

Others •

Control
Over:

Self •

Birth Adulthood
TIME

A child enters the world with almost no power over himself.

To compensate, he exerts enormous energy in controlling his
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Chapter 9
Pain Can Be a Gift
The Law of Evaluation

I (Dr. Cloud) was counseling a mom one day about setting

limits with her twelve-year-old daughter. Every time I sug-
gested a limit, I would hit a brick wall. Each basic limit or con-
sequence I suggested would not work for one reason or another:
Their schedule prohibited Mom from following through; the
family would be encumbered; the other siblings would be
adversely affected. And on and on. This mom was skilled in
telling me why my suggestions wouldn’t work.
“Why don’t you allow her to miss the party if she can’t get her
chores done first?” I asked.
“Well, if I did that, we would have to provide a sitter to watch
her if we had plans.”
“Then let her be in charge of getting and paying for a sitter.
She caused the problem, after all.”
“Well, I don’t think she has the resources to find a sitter. We
probably wouldn’t like the one she chose anyway.”
In the beginning, I thought this mom was being straight with
me. But as all my suggestions were dismissed one after the other,
I began to feel I wasn’t getting the real story. What she was
telling me did not ring true, so I stopped our search for the
LONG -TE RM R E S U LTS O F AVO ID ING PAIN
142
VS. EBoundaries
M B R AC I N G PAIN
with Kids

Situation Pain Avoider Pain Embracer

Marital Struggle • Have an affair • Learn how to love

• Blame better
• Go home to mother • Grieve expectations
• Withdraw and forgive
• Compromise

Job Difficulty • Quit • Receive input and

• Blame management criticism
• Turn to alcohol or • Change behavior
drugs • Learn new skills
• Change careers for • Respond to author-
no good reason and ity
develop a pattern of • Solve problems
false starts

Frustration of • Procrastinate • Use as an opportu-

Achieving Goals • Use alcohol, drugs, nity to learn about
food, or sex to self
relieve the frustra- • Gain new knowl-
tion edge needed to
• Give up achieve
• Get depressed • Face own character
weaknesses
• Get encouragement
from others
• Develop spiritually

Emotional Stress, • Deny the issues • Accept reality and

Pain, and Loss causing them work through the
• Use avoidance feelings
mechanisms such as • Learn positive cop-
substances or other ing methods of
addictions faith, support,
• Find enabling grieving, and cogni-
people who med- tive change
icate the pain with- • Deepen spiritual
out demanding life
change
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Chapter 13
Honesty Is the Best Policy
The Law of Exposure

I (Dr. Cloud) can still remember what happened that day

when I was eight years old. I made a big mistake, but I did-
n’t know it at the moment. I thought I was getting back at my
sister, who was sixteen at the time. Opportunities for revenge were
few and far between, and I was not about to let this one slip by.
Sharon and her friend were goofing around in the den when
one of them threw a pillow and broke the overhead light. They
quickly figured out a way to arrange the light in such a way that
you could not tell it was broken. They thought that they were off
the hook. Little did my sister know that she had a sociopathic lit-
tle brother with a plan.
When my father came home, I could not wait to tell him what
they had done. I told him that they had broken the light, and
he asked me to show him. I led him into the den, not knowing
that Sharon and her friend were still in there. I was caught. Here
he was, asking me about the broken light, and there they were,
watching me seal my fate as a tattletale. I do not remember what
he did to them, but I can still recall what they did to me, and
it was not pretty.
It would be years before I understood the principle involved
in this incident. But on that day I understood the reality: When
CU RE S F O R I N D I R E C T CO MM UNIC ATIO N
198 Boundaries with Kids

How to Reinforce
Incident the Fear How to Cure the Fear

Child is angry at limit. • Get angry back. • Empathize with the

• Attack his expression anger.
of anger. • Empathize with the
• Make him feel guilty frustration of having
for feeling angry. a limit and losing his
• Give him the silent wish.
treatment. • Help him put words
• Act really devastated to his anger.
by his feelings. • Stay soft and loving,
• Compare him to but firm.
good children. • Keep the limit.
• Limit expression that
is attacking or inap-
propriate (at a later
time when the feel-
ing is past).

Child is upset with • Act injured by the • Empathize with the

something you did accusation. pain she’s feeling.
wrong to her. • Give her some line • Listen attentively and
about “How dare you be open to the child’s
question me?” feedback about your
• Blame back. behavior.
• Withdraw love. • Help her to put into
• Get angry and over- words what she did
power her. not like about what
you did.
• If you really were
wrong, own it and
apologize.
• Ask her to let you
know if you do it
again. (This let’s her
know her complaint
was taken seriously.)
• If you did nothing
wrong, say that you
understand, but you
don’t really see what
you did wrong. But
thank her for telling
you.
 Honesty Is the Best Policy 199

How to Reinforce
Incident the Fear How to Cure the Fear

Child is hurt by life. • Tell him to stop his • Empathize with how
whining, and call him he feels.
a crybaby. • Give understanding
• Tell him to stop cry- and comfort.
ing or you’ll give him • Help him put words
something to cry to the hurt and the
about. incident.
• Make fun of him. • Don’t be too quick to
• Compare him with correct or explain
his sister or a friend. reality. That can
• Call him a sissy. come after the emo-
tions have passed.
• Require him to work
out his problem with
his friend. Don’t
become the buffer
between him and the
outside world, giving
him comfort and
enabling him to avoid
conflict with others.
• Empathize and
understand, but don’t
gratify his wish to use
the hurt as an excuse
to not get back into
life or fulfill his
requirements.
Expression is good;
withdrawal from life
is not. At some point,
the old admonition to
“get back on the
horse” is good advice.