Teachers: A Dissection

Name: Abbey Fang | Date: 17-Dec-09 Ah, academics. Theoretically, school is supposed to teach you a host of new things, such as improved math skills, how to write your ABCs, social adaption and Making New Friends. But theory is a treacherous thing and it crumbles when faced with cruel reality. If youre lucky, youll learn one of the two above mentioned things what you really learn is how to navigate through the perilous mazes of social interaction and how to understand what your teacher wants from you. But Abbey! You say. Not all teachers are the same, and to say so is a gross and terrible stereotype! That is true. Not all teachers are the same, and may, in fact be divided into three categories tired, substitutes and flaming bitches. The tired teacher is most often found in first and last period, and will be half asleep at his desk when the class starts, his fingers wrapped tightly around that one cup of Starbucks frappucino that keeps him functioning through the day. After being roused awake by the bell, hell usually take a long, sharp drag from his cup of coffee before lackadaisically opening his laptop to put yesterdays lesson on the board, asking us to remind him of the homework that he himself assigned and constantly referring to the lesson plan. After shaking himself to semi-coherence, he begins to hurtle himself into the myriad intricacies of math, talking about formulas and theories far above our comprehension. He has, of course, been booted into a totally different class from yesteryear. When he approaches the last twenty minutes of the period, he is suddenly reminded that we are a ninth grade class instead of a bunch of university undergraduates, and will hastily shuffle through his notes to find the lesson plan, mix our class up with another class and finally find his notes with one minute to go. Inevitably, when it comes time to give out homework he overcompensates for his lack of teaching by assigning more homework than one would consider humane. Without saying a word, we file out of the class, knowing that this is what the school and its Big Brother-esque monitoring wreaks on the teachers. The substitutes have not been informed of our class at all. Their specialties may lie in English or Science, but they will more often than not be shoved into a class where their specialties do not lie and they know next to nothing on the subject. Theyll be the ones frantically looking through their notes, trying desperately to get everybodys names right and eventually, simply giving up because we are beyond control we already know what were doing, we already have homework or projects or what have you. Theyre the ones trying to shepherd the class along on a route which they have no idea where it is going. Theyre the ones following the sheet almost religiously, to the point where toilet breaks are no longer allowed because they arent on the allotted point on the schedule. They enter with a steely resolve to get this class finished and done

just as well, if not even better than the regular teacher but are often the ones that end up breaking down perhaps the errant student hasnt handed in their homework, or some textbooks havent been delivered on time. In the mean time, they glare at us from beyond a desk, trying to uphold the small (and gradually slipping) margin of authority they still have over us. The flaming bitch is exactly that. A flaming bitch. Unpredictable and very, very moody, you can tell that this was the last place they wanted to end up. They were supposed to do great things! They were once a sparkling talent! So witty! Chic! Marvelous! But instead, they have to teach us brats, and we will never measure up to their perilously high standards. God forbid we do not fall into formation or complete our homework on time, nay, BEFORE it is due! And if we dont do what they say, exactly when they say it, then fie on us ugly and disrespectful children! They will always expect us to follow down the narrow trail laid out before them, and they will expect us to live up to their ridiculous expectations of us which is to say, we will become clones of them, and follow their exact procedure or we shall die. This teacher is often loathed among students because of their difficult to please nature they are fast to find fault and may go from happy to moody in sixty seconds flat. They are irresponsible and erratic, choosing to spend their classtime drinking coffee and surfing Facebook instead of actually instructing us, and unlike the substitute or the tired teacher, the student body has little to no respect for the flaming bitch. Although they may possess the most talent out of all the teachers, knowing that the other teachers actually try to keep us on track makes all the difference the flaming bitch doesnt, however, try. And in the end that is what makes the difference. To tell you the truth, most teachers are ordinary, pleasant people who simply want you to do your job and hand in your work. Few of them are actually like this, however, the strange ones enliven up our day whether in a good way or a bad way is irrelevant. Life wouldnt be the same without spice, and so it goes with teachers. So keep an eye out for the next time you see one of these people the one teacher draining the last dregs of his coffee, that woman shuffling frantically through lesson plans and a old man yelling at a group of children about their homework.