王寒洋-2061329-英语 3 班

Book Review on HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

From the first chapter If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick over the beehive, I
completely understand the principle—Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Criticizing
others is pointless to improve the situation and will invite more negative effects. Here are
some my insights and feelings.
There is a assertion that nobody feel emotionally that s/he deserved to be criticized. As
Hans Selye, a great psychologist, said, “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread
condemnation.”
The author analyzes a large number of people who did commit crimes and
wrongdoings in retrospect, and none of them thought they were wrong, let alone deserving
of criticism. The murderer "Two Gun" Crowley felt no guilt for his atrocities, the New York
most notorious Public Enemy called himself a public benefactor in interviews, and few
criminals in Singer admitted to being bad. The author thus concludes that if even Al
Capone, "Two Gun" Crowley, Dutch Schultz, and the lawless criminals in prison believe
they have done nothing wrong, is it possible to get people around us to admit their
mistakes? When someone who feels s/he shouldn't be criticized is criticized by you, will it
have a positive effect?
On no account may we expect a good result. All the criticism and blame triggered by
the resentment is not only unhelpful, but also will discourage our family, friends and
employees. That's why the author says he fumbled around for decades before realizing that
- in 99 percent of cases - people don't blame themselves, no matter how serious a mistake
they make. Each of us has to be alert and understand that the only way to have personal
cognitive growth is to stop repeating the bad records that have been made for thousands of
years.
If that's the case, why do people criticize others so often? “Thinking is difficult that’s
why most people judge”. Criticizing others is often an unconscious defense mechanism
aimed at alleviating our own insecurities. Since people are not rational creatures, their
instinct is to take refuge in the easy, and to be eager to achieve, so when they encounter a
problem, they want it fixed immediately, and they want other people to change rather than
themselves. The Bible says “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with
salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:6) ,“A gentle answer
turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1), and there is aslo a
Chinese old saying “A good word makes people warm like a fire in the cold winter, while a
bad one hurts people seroiusly just like snowing in the summer. ” We learn that words are
powerful; words impact and influence others; words can lift up others and words can tear
them down.  
 王寒洋-2061329-英语 3 班

Through anger, we merely criticize the other party, so that they can quickly place the
blame on the other party and try to change the status quo. However, for the person being
criticized, who is also based on human nature, instinctively resist danger and extrapolate
responsibility, even if it is the person who committed the evil, his heart is always saying
"blame everyone", but never repents. Not to mention, how often we are really right and the
other party is really wrong?
People always take it for granted that they are rational and right when they are
provoked. However, people who are not well trained in thinking are not aware of this and
tend to see their emotional reactions as thinking itself. We criticize others, more often than
not, just to indulge our own momentary pain and belittle them in order to elevate our own
vanity of being. Nevertheless, the fact is that people who are hurtful are always
fearful. People who are at peace with themselves are kind. As described by shame expert
Brené Brown, criticism is a coping mechanism used by people who feel unworthy. It’s
purpose is to shift the spotlight off of oneself and onto someone or something else in an
effort to feel safe. Consequently, we should understand that criticizing others as well as not
accepting their criticism is a natural instinct, and that only by being aware of that can we
improve. Therefore, it is also very important to improve our own literacy.
In light of this, what should we do in the future? Perhaps we should pause when the
accusatory words are about to be spoken. Accusations are like a double-edged sword,
hurting people and hurting ourselves. Keeping this in mind, when dealing with others, don't
be critical.We may sometimes delude ourselves into thinking that we merely give others
helpful feedback. However, criticism focuses on what is wrong while Feedback focuses on
how to improve; criticism implies the worst about the other’s personality while feedback is
about behaviour, not personality; criticism devalues while feedback encourages.
If we are angry or resentful, any kind of feedback we offer will be heard as criticism,
no matter how we put it. That’s because people respond to emotional tone, not intention. So
it’s best to regulate our anger or resentment before we try to give feedback. Instead of being
critical, try understanding instead of blaming, and put ourselves in the other person's shoes.
This is much more effective than simple criticism. Compassion, tolerance and goodwill will
also emerge from this. "If we understand everything, we can forgive everything." When we
sprout criticism with the intention of changing the other person, why not start with
yourself? “You can speak but the actions done for others are difficult.” Meanwhile, from a
more selfish perspective, we benefit much more by changing ourselves than by changing
others, with fewer risks. Let's accumulate the wisdom of knowing others and learning to
observe in our lives to see ourselves more clearly.
王寒洋-2061329-英语 3 班