Case of Anna
Marika E. Melgar, MA, RPsy
Anna is a married female with three children. She runs three small
pharmacies south of Manila. While she worked as a teacher before
getting married, she had opted not to go back to teach anymore
after she got married and had her first child within a year. Instead,
she wanted to focus on being a housewife and in helping run their
family's first drugstore.
Full-time Mother, Gifted Child
Anna fondly described herself as "a full-time mother, a part-time
businesswoman and career woman and a part-time wife." Her
dedication to these roles motivated her to devote more time to
taking care of the family. "My life revolves around my husband and
my son," she said. The youngest of three girls, she described her
parents as generally good people that worked hard to provide for
the family despite meager resources. Growing up in a family set-up
that separated her from siblings and isolated her at home due to
hardworking parents, the thought of engaging in drugs would cross
her mind when she was younger, but she would never act upon it.
Starting in Grade Six, she would be left alone at home most of the
time, and she saw this as her parents' confidence in her being a
responsible kid. Prior to using drugs she neither smoked nor drank
alcohol, the latter triggering strong skin allergies. "Tawag nila noon
sa akin sa ano, gifted child. I don't have issues." She-along with
people close to her-was surprised at how her life changed at such a
late age of twenty-seven, shortly after her first child was born.
The Painkiller
“I was married, living with my husband, perfectly happy, and
planning for a small business." She recounted that one day, she felt
her muscle in the hip area "clumping," which was followed by
excruciating pain. "Ang sakit! Namimilipit talaga! Parang tinutusok."
When she got confined in the hospital, all the medication they gave
her did very little to ease the pain. After the x-ray and ultrasound,
doctors found the source as a stone in her urinary bladder, which
caused her symptoms of high fever and chills. "Nilalabas ko lahat ng
pain relievers na iniinom ko until they gave me this one medicine:
Nubain.”
Anna continued Nubain in order to manage the physical pain during
her hospitalization. In the beginning, Anna's husband would himself
inject her with Nubain to manage her pain. In time, he taught her
how to inject herself, in case he was out of the house. The tipping
point was that even hen the muscle pain was gone, she realized that
she would still want the Nubain. "[My husband] doesn't want me to
be in pain, tinuruan na rin niya ake. Iyong threshold ko kasi sa pain,
yon nga iyong reason "di ba? Ayaw ko kasi ng masakit." She would
also inject downers such as Dormicum; she said that it was sleep
that she craved for from them. "Sleep, sleep, sleep. Kain, sleep, yon
lang. Yong tamad ka, tulog ka talaga. Tulog ka for so long, long
hours.” What began as a way to free oneself from physical pain
became the start of what would be a six-year addiction
It did not matter when or where she would inject her drugs. She
used disposable syringes, which were available at her disposal from
the pharmacies they ran. "There was a time na parang sa bus lang
ako, diretso, nakapantalon. Dati gumagamit pa ako ng alcobol at
bulak. di na. Adik na adik na po ako. " In instances where she would
be injecting while commuting, she would leave the syringes in the
taxi or the bus. Injecting in public did not make her uncomfortable,
even while it made other people nervous. "Minsan, nasa FX, minsan
may natakot pang kasabay sa akin kasi nakitang nagturok ako eh.”
"Eh diabetic kasi ako." “Bumaba, umiyak, natakot sa akin." She
would usually go to a drugstore that had access to these drugs. “I
will be faking prescriptions, magtatype ako sa computer ko. Um,
make-believe mga fantasize na doktor, license number. Nakakalusot
ake every time. Ask me all the 24-hours na branches in Alabang. Oo,
kilala ko yan, alam ko jan." Soon, the evidences of her addiction
were too much to hide from her own family. “Kung minsan, may
tama na yong gamot sa akin, duguan na yong dito ko, hindi ko na
mapapansin. Kahit ideny ko ng ideny sa husband ko, hindi siya
maniniwala kasi duguan.” She used to justify that she got into the
habit because she felt the pressure of living with her in-laws, but
she eventually continued the drugs because she simply couldn't do
without it. "Wala, gusto kong kumarga eh. Masarap eh.”
At the height of her addiction with Dormicum, she shared needles
With her third child, when he was still a baby. She would use the
same needle she used on herself on her baby. "Kasi I want to be
sure na tulog siya pag tulog ako." When asked how much dosage
she would give to the baby, she said that she didn't objectively
measure how much she was injecting him-only that his dose was
smaller than hers. "Addict eh! Importante ba ang dosage sa addict?"
The turning point came when she was suspected of pretending to
be a doctor at St. Luke's hospital in order to acquire her drugs. Her
cousin, who informed St. Luke's that she was an addict, arranged
for the staff of LIFE Management to pick her up from the hospital
and transfer her to St. Claire for detox. She attempted to sneak in
the drugs that she was caught with. "Na-search po ako, naipit po
yong mga meds ko in between my vagina."
When they got to the hospital room, she was able to inject her IV
with the Dormicum without the staff seeing. The morning after, her
body got paralyzed from the neck down. She was committed to the
ICU for five days, before she got the urge to admit to what she has
done to the doctor. "Sabi ni doktor, You should have been dead'.
Patay ka na. Kung ginamit mo 'tong isa na 'to, patay ka na ngayon."
Christ the Redeemer
When she looks back on the time that she hit rock bottom, her
memory stops at a scene enclosed by the four corners of the ICU.
She said that her eyes darted across the room and focused on the
many crucifixes peacefully hanging on the walls. “This is what they
called a spiritual awakening na parang there's this cross--there's this
cross na parang I surrender na." The theme of her recovery is--that
was a journey towards spiritual renewal. "Paramount to my
recovery is my Higher Power and my spiritual awakening. He has to
be involved and published-He is the reason [for] my recovery,"
Anna said with conviction. "My God of understanding gave me more
than enough. Binalik niya lahat, pati yong hindi ko hinihingi." After
coming from St. Claire detox, Anna went straight to an out-patient
rehab for addicts in Makati. "I was very submissive to my counselors,
as well very cooperative to my fellow recovering clients. Lahat ng
itinuturo sa akin ay ninanamnam ko, and I was enjoying it. No more
whining and complaining whenever I see my husband during MFT
(multi-family therapy). Majority finishes the program in 6 months,
but I did it for only 3 months.”
Additionally, Anna insisted on volunteering in the center in
exchange for her after-care tuition fee. The program director then
asked if she wanted to pursue graduate studies in counseling, which
she did. "My classmates in grad school accepted my past and I
never felt judged and ridiculed. I am now living with people outside
recovery, but I never forget my past. That keeps my strength. I am
proud to say that I am also starting to lose weight, because I
believed that my obesity is still a result of my addiction. Still a long
way to go, but I am now using my addictive ways positively and
productively.”
Recovery has its pains, and there are shocks and blows even a
strong human heart will labor to breathe in. Anna has found ways to
unburden herself through strengthening her relationship with God.
"Kapag medyo madami ng stress and problems na dumadating sa
akin lalo na pag business-related, lagi kong intisip na I had a hell life
before, I was hopeless and my life was chaotic, lahat nakayanan ko,
tinulungan ako ng Diyos na bumangon. Ngayon pa kaya na sobrang
bait ko at closed sa Kanya, ngayon pa ba niya ako papabayaan? It's
really faith and trust.”
Anna remembers to give gratitude-a woman who felt the true
pricelessness of redemption. She has learned that the light burns
brightest at the darkest hour, and that there is no shame in
surrendering to hope. "I am very thankful kase bago lumaki ang
mga anak ko magkaisip, inayos na ni Hesus ang buhay ko. Nang
magsimula ako sa recovery, ang mg anak ko ay nasa batang edad
pa na bandang magpatawad at lumimot. Pinalitan ko ng
pagmamahal at pag aalaga ang mga masesamang experiences nila
sa akin, and I believed that I am doing a good job as a mother,
Right now, I am taking care of my aging mother and young!
adolescent children. Mahirap, but fulfilling. No amount of money
Would compensate the satisfaction of seeing my children healthy
and happy. Lao na when they arrive from school and waiting for
them, with al their stories. Parang ang yabang yabang ko at
hinahaplos ang puso ko. When people notice and praise my children.
I am a part-time student counselor, businesswoman, but a full-time
mom and wife. That satisfies”