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SELF CONFIDENCE
Forget about the universe and start working
on yourself
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What is around you?

I will dip you a little into the atmosphere of writing this text. It’s
already 12:40 am, I recently woke up, the wind is
blowing through the open balcony, and another chocolate
beauty’s rapper is playing on the phone. Maybe if she didn't
play, I would write faster, but I think you should enjoy
the process. By the way, I adore African-American women
with all my heart, first of all for their self-confidence, if
you have ever translated their lyrics, you probably noticed
that they are far from Dubtsova’s message “I will fall into
the abyss after him”, not to mention that fall into the abyss
there is not they, but their men.

And that's the first thing I want to talk about.

Our attitude towards ourselves is formed from what we

consider the norm, what is in our field of vision, what we
read, see, listen to. There is an expression that I
love very much - what is the norm for a spider, chaos for a
fly. What does it mean? What is normal in your environment
is normal for you. And here you can draw such an
allegory - your environment can cultivate a spider part in
your self-esteem, or vice versa - cook roast for other spiders
from your self-esteem)))))
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On examples. If I come to my girlfriends and talk

about the most crazy idea that I want to implement,
you know that they will say “Cool!”. What will your
girlfriends say?

At best, it can be something in the series “This theme is

not working right now. Come on, Masha, Katya, Lena
have already burned out for me. This is no longer
relevant. The deputies have already stolen everything.”
Okay, some personal fears speak for them,
dictated by the limited views of the world and their model
of the norm.

At worst, it can be a peremptory “No! This is nonsense

”and other unsupported emotional reactions.
In general, I have been thinking for a long time how
it can be with others, because I have not met such
reactions in my life for a long time, for me this is
already some kind of wildness.

In both cases of reactions, your self-esteem will not be

strengthened, only in the first case you will begin to
take on these views about the world in which it is
unrealistic to take responsibility for your life and you
need to go with the flow, and in the second you will think
that you just a mediocre person, since you offer some
nonsense.
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Probably, you will now say, where is the objectivity,
what if the truth is a crazy idea? There is no
objectivity in personal opinion. There is either
subjectivity or specific numbers and indicators.
Any opinion is dictated by personal experience,
which, as you know, is different for everyone,
therefore, taking on faith the opinion of a person, you
seem to take on your foot size 38, put on shoes of size
36, it is uncomfortable, presses, but for some reason you still

What will your girlfriends say when you want to leave

a man who is disrespectful to you? “You deserve a
better attitude” or “Think about it, everyone lives like
this, it’s better not to find, but it works, it brings
money”?

What will your girlfriends say when you change

your image? "Wow, that looks interesting!" or "It
used to be better"?

What will your girlfriends say when you decide to

go to school? “Great, tell me how it all will go” or
“Why do you need it? Just wasting time!

What will your girlfriends say when you want

to move? “I will miss you, but this is a really cool
life turn” or “Where I was born, it came in handy there.
Who needs us there?
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I think you already understand what I want to say. And you

probably have situations in your head when your girlfriends
answered you one way or another. Or suddenly you realized that you
are the same friend who cuts off all the undertakings of those
around you in the bud.

Anticipating your questions. And what to do if you realize that you

have an environment that not only does not support, but also pulls self-
esteem to the bottom. What is done with a tooth that hurts? Treat. If it
cannot be cured, then it is removed. Here you do the same.

Start talking to your girlfriends, ask for support, say you don't want to
be criticized. Make sure that your message, how you do not
want and how you want, is as clear as possible. If you notice that
your environment is coming towards you, then wonderful, but if not,
then draw the conclusion yourself what to do with it, you are
already big girls.

What if they are relatives? The most courageous and resolute do not
communicate with them, if suddenly
understanding is not reached, and this has a negative
impact on their well-being.
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If you are not ready for such drastic measures, then you need to
keep in mind the idea that each person has his own causes and
effects in his head, which have nothing to do with you.
What people think about you and what they say to you is more
about them than about you. While keeping this thought in mind,
we will talk in more detail in the topic of idealization.

Your homework in this topic is to assess what information

field you are in and what information field should be in order for
your self-esteem and self-confidence to be strengthened.
To do this, answer these questions:

1. What am I reading? Books, magazines, news, websites,

bloggers, etc.

2. What am I listening to? Songs, podcasts, etc.

4. What is my environment? How does it relate to me? Where do I

fit in my group of friends? Are they listening to me?
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In each paragraph, answer the following questions -

what emotions do I get from these sources, from the
environment? How do they affect my state and attitude?

Second part:

1. Write how you want to feel, what emotional state do

you want to be in?

2. What should you read, listen to, watch, and what kind
of environment should be near you so that you can
feel this way?

As a bonus task, write about a woman who inspires

you. It can be a singer, an actress, a mother, a
politician, a neighbor, anyone. If
If you don't have one yet, look it up on the internet.
Who would you like to be like?
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Idealization. The one

that destroys you from the inside
I'm sure everyone is familiar with idealization. We love this image of
the ideal self in our heads, it is so enticing, turns on, also these
films with cool girls that you so want to be like, is this possible? Of
course not.

We don't stick out chakras here, we don't invoke the universe, so what
you want is impossible. If you want to enjoy every day, feel like a
queen every day and poop butterflies - this is for you to those who
communicate with the universe, they usually promise this.

STOP HANGING ON YOURSELF UNREALISTIC

EXPECTATIONS!!!! YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT!!!

Any of our self-assessment is connected with the correspondence

of expectations and reality. Self-confidence arises when
expectations and reality coincide. Any deviations are due to
their mismatch. And when you put yourself so

high standards, your expectation and reality will never match

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Where do unrealistic expectations come from?

Well, this is not news, of course, from our environment, family,

from our personal analysis of cause-and-effect relationships,
and not always correct.

What do I mean by our personal analysis. When a situation occurs,

we make it
conclusions depending on what experience you already had.

Imagine that in childhood, your mother told you that it is important to

endure, it is important to hold on to a man, you need to try to
please him in everything, you took it all on faith.

Then you have a situation, the young man cheated on you, you
conclude that you were not good enough, not helpful
enough, not sexy enough. Is this interpretation correct? No. But
will it influence you? Undoubtedly

Society will also put pressure on you - it doesn’t leave good wives, it’s
your own fault and so on.

How will you proceed in a new relationship?

I should not show my shortcomings, I should be in everything

XOfJOSHEY, I should be perfect, I should not ask for anything and
so on.
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It is clear that this is a very superficial example and such

attitudes are not formed at once, this is usually a systematic
approach and they cling to each other, but
you understand the meaning.

This is how unrealistic expectations are formed,

unrealistic beliefs that make us strive for the ideal image.

Another example, Masha's parents never praised, did not

express their feelings, so she had a feeling that she was
not good enough. Also as a result of this, she had a difficult
relationship with society, since she considered everyone
critical and demanding, like her parents, and the whole
world seemed to her a competitive environment.
Therefore, Masha made it a rule that she must constantly
prove her effectiveness, value, roughly speaking goodness,
convince people that she deserves a place in
society, win and be the first.

And you ask, what's wrong with being constantly

efficient and winning? And the fact that these are
again unrealistic expectations and they cannot be
forever realized in life, a mistake will certainly be made,
because we are living people.
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As long as Masha can act according to these

rules, as long as they are implemented in her life, she
will feel good, well, not counting the wear and tear
and the feeling of anxiety. But as soon as a mistake
is made, self-esteem will collapse, because she
interpreted herself with perfection, as you do. By the
way, we will return to this in the topic of prefectionism. It
turns out to be an eternal roller coaster, then
everything is good, then everything is bad, then I can
do everything, then I am a complete nonentity.

And then increased anxiety and activation of all my

beliefs “I always spoil everything”, “I can’t do it
right”, “I’m a loser” begin. Anxiety symptoms,
in turn, can also generate negative predictions (for
example, "I will be confused, I will lose"). Self-critical
thinking and hopelessness, in turn, affect the mood and
feeling of being in this world.

Does everyone understand? As they say: "A bad

head does not give rest to the legs." In our case, a bad
head simply haunts you, generates negative
forecasts, appeals with all sorts of YOU SHOULD,
makes you feel out of place everywhere. From this day
on, forget the word “should”, there is no person
to whom you owe money, except yourself. You didn't
borrow from ANYONE.
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To cope with your unrealistic expectations, you need

to work with beliefs and make your thinking flexible. If when I
say "work with beliefs" you hear "repeat affirmations," "send a
message into space," "work with family," "write
therapy letters to parents," or "look for childhood trauma," then
read it again. To work means to work.

Idealization and public opinion. How to cope when everyone is

pushing you.

And so you tell me, I can’t afford to relax, because I

have to, if I relax, if I allow myself to do
something wrong, then society will point me to it, condemn,
kick and show me where my place is.

If I told you that it won't, I would be lying. Yes, there will be

those people who will definitely point out to you what the
hell you allow yourself to do here, go work, go cook, play with
children, develop, everyone lived like that, and
you live like this.
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You need to understand the mechanism of formation

of public opinion. Let's imagine that there is a certain
Anastasia, she has a child, a husband, in the morning
she takes the child to the kindergarten, then goes to work,
spends time aimlessly scrolling through social networks,
picks up the child in the evening, comes home tired,
but cooks to eat, puts away toys for as a child, and for
dinner she eats it all with something sweet, because
this is the only place where she gets positive emotions.

And then you appear, who suddenly turns out not to cook
at home for her husband at all, and in the evening he also
takes the children from the kindergarten. What will he
tell you? "Aren't you ready? The way to a man's
heart is through his stomach! Why are you then him?
You must keep the family hearth, so not for long and before
the divorce, he will get tired of serving you. A real woman
should be the hostess!”

WE CONDEMN WHAT WE DO NOT ALLOW

Any condemnation is the pain of that person for the fact that
he cannot afford it. He suffered all his life, lived all his life
the way he didn’t want to, and then you appear, who wants
to change her life, wants to live the way she wants, not to
follow the stereotypes “you should”, but to ask yourself
and listen to your feelings .
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When you meet with condemnation, with public opinion that

condemns you, just think that it is difficult for this person,
that he does not condemn you, but is trying to justify himself
for his inaction, for giving his life to others at the mercy of
others, if only about him
didn't say a bad word.

What is left for these people to do? The most courageous can
admit that they lived simply on the machine, while the rest
simply go into denial, condemning the rest as well as
condemning them.

Does your mother-in-law say you are a bad mother?

Do you only mind your own business, but there is no time
for children? Because she herself lived only for children, and
..., ...,

pushed her life into the background, her mother told

her so, it’s necessary, no friends and personal life, you
now have a family.

A colleague said that you dyed yourself pink - is this a childish

act? We must already understand that the age is not
the right, not the time to experiment.
Because this colleague wanted to go to modern dance at the
age of 40, and her husband laughed, where should you shake
your body at that age, you better go to cooking classes.
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A friend said that you can’t immediately jump into bed

with a guy, it’s bad, a girl should be chaste. Because she
never allowed herself to truly fall in love, she always
lived only by logic and facts, her mother forbade her to run on
dates, because a well-mannered girl

so not supposed to.

Does your girlfriend say that you will be left alone

with such requirements for men? Where do you find this?
Are you going to choose until 30? Because she entered
into a relationship out of stupidity, just to be, she was afraid to
be alone, and now she tolerates a disrespectful attitude
towards herself and lives out of fear
loneliness.

Here's the conclusion. Public opinion, condemnation,

censure - this is not about you, it's about those who condemn.
Is it worth it to look at it in this case? Is it worth it to accept
other people's attitudes in your life?
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1. Write down what "shoulds" you have and replace them

with more flexible settings. For example, “I should
always look beautiful” - “I can look different, the lack
of makeup does not make me unattractive”, etc.

2. Track what you condemn, you do not accept. This is

what you would like to afford, but cannot because of
the lack of inner freedom. This is your growth area.
Without internal freedom, it is impossible to
form an internal support for one's opinion, and,
accordingly, a stable healthy self-esteem.
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5 reasons why
affirmations and attitudes
don't work.
If someone does not know what affirmations are. These are
such positive statements about you, your life, finances
that you need to repeat a certain number of times. The
mechanism is such that they supposedly replace the
negative attitudes about you in the subconscious and you
begin to live a completely different life.

For example. I found these affirmations on the

Internet at the first link so that you understand. There
affirmations To attract money; For weight loss; From fear
and anxiety and so on.

I love my body, which is getting slimmer and slimmer every

day; I like the active image
that I lead, because he
helps me lose weight
My work brings moral satisfaction; I take criticism
calmly It is easy for me to think that
money is given into my hands; The universe is generous
and fulfills all my desires;

This is what affirmations look like.

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So, we consider the main reasons why your work with settings is useless.

1. The installations you are working with do not have

..., '-'

nothing to do with your personal situation.

Yes, we know that each of us has a certain set of desires. According to

the same Maslow pyramid - the need for security, the need
for recognition, social needs, spiritual needs, and so on. But within the
framework of the implementation of each need, everyone has their own
gaps. You need to understand why you have this situation, and not
just mindlessly repeat the installation “I am slim, attractive and
love myself.” No, and you won’t love until you realize the cause-and-
effect relationships of your dislike, where it comes from

Let's take two girls who don't love themselves as an example.

1. Nastya. She had rigid ones. Well, that is, emotionally inflexible
parents, they did not show her love, they were callous, detached. In
this regard, Nastya never understood her emotional sphere, did not
understand what and what feelings she was experiencing, did not
know how to express them. And it is obvious that she absolutely
did not understand how to properly relate to herself. This is where the
hate came from.
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2. Katya. On the contrary, she had very overprotective
parents, parents who followed her on her heels, did
everything for her, controlled, blew off dust particles.
Katya grew up unadapted to life and dislike for herself
appeared as a result of her helplessness, inability to
take responsibility.

Here we see two situations in which one consequence is

the lack of self-love, but completely different
reasons.

In the first case, with Nastya, you need to work

on the emotional sphere, help analyze feelings, so
to speak, unfreeze them.

In the second case, you need to work with infantilism,

that is, over the ability to decide, to act, to strive, to seek
convictions in this plane, you understand.

If you're just making some obscure settings that don't

relate to your reasons, it's just useless text. Also, the
problem is that many people incorrectly determine the
causes, try to do everything themselves, without a
specialist, and in the end it turns out that inefficient work is
being done, a lot of time is wasted, and the result is
only even lower self-esteem, because it seems to you that
you have nothing happens at all. But in fact, the
wrong method of work was simply chosen.
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2. You are separated from practical experience and not

fix the result in action.

We have neural connections in the brain that are

responsible for our, roughly speaking, habits. That is, the
more repetitions a person does, the stronger the neural
connection. Yes, this applies not only to actions,
but also to thoughts. Only thoughts take longer to
transform into neural connections, and in order to
consolidate this process, actions are needed. This is,
of course, a very simplified example. But it gives you an
idea of how positive or negative beliefs work.

Therefore, when you want to change something in

your life, you first change your thoughts, but with a
clear tracking of what actions or feelings these thoughts
lead you to. If actions or feelings are ineffective,
destructive, then, accordingly, thoughts are also
INEFFICIENT. When you simply decide to repeat
affirmations or attitudes, you absolutely separate
them from practice. That is, here you are at home
repeating the thoughts “I am calm and balanced”, and
tomorrow you shout at a colleague and throw a
chair at him.
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At first, it will be difficult for you to track your thoughts and

actions, since this will require a conscious effort, but then,
as I said, neural connections will form in you. You
do not see your neural connections, but you can easily see
it in others. A person who loves dogs looks at the
whole world around him through the prism of this affection. A
person who is fascinated by modern technologies
connects everything in the world with them. Politician
appreciates
the surrounding reality politically, and a religiously
convinced person - from the standpoint of religion.
One person sees the world positively, the other negatively.
No matter how the neural connections are built in the
brain, you do not see them, but you feel these
connections in your life. Therefore, start from what
you want to experience in your life and form these neural
connections.

3. You rely on past experience as an

unconditional truth.

Imagine that you lied to a five-year-old child. He

believes you because his brain absorbs absolutely all the
information at this stage
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Another situation - you deceived a nine-year-old child. What will happen in

this case? Obviously, he will question your words, as he is already starting to
compare the incoming information with what is already available, and
not just accepting all the information. Relying on old neural circuits allows him to
recognize lies. This is how critical thinking develops. This is good, but
up to a certain point.

When you accept your past experience as unconditional truth, you

keep coming back to it to assess the current situation. And here the main
discrepancy happens - you evaluate by the same criteria a completely
different situation with completely different participants and already with a
different you, since we are constantly changing. In this way, we adjust all
the situations that have arisen to similar experiences that were in the past.

ÿ
ÿ
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For example, take the question about relationships.

Masha had an unsuccessful relationship in which she
was deceived. The man corresponded with other girls,
but she did not know. And now, in a new relationship,
she poisons everything with control, puts pressure
on a man, asks him for passwords, is always in
anxiety to be alone, because she already knows she
was like that. And, by the way, miracles also
lie in the fact that such a woman, with her anxious
nature and attachment, chooses men with an avoidant
type of attachment, and often her fears turn out to be
real. And it's not magic. It's a matter of choice and your behavi

And the problem with working with attitudes here is that

no matter how you convince yourself, you always have
a situation that you are equal to, which is like a
standard of truth for you. You compare all subsequent
situations with this experience, but for some reason
no one has a desire to criticize the situation with which
you compare all the others. Somehow you don't think
that this is only one of the options.
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And the problem with working with attitudes here is that

no matter how you convince yourself, you always have a
situation that you are equal to, which is like a standard
of truth for you. You compare all subsequent situations
with this experience, but for some reason no one has
a desire to criticize the situation with which you compare
all the others. Somehow you don't think that this is only
one of the options.

In the example about Masha, she did not question the

fact that men in relationships behave the same way, she
did not analyze that the examples are different, she
simply closed herself and, as a result of her anxiety,
began to try to remove her by total control. All I had to
do was sort out the thoughts in my head. And find
those triggers that lead her to the phone to check
the password, which cause anxiety in her and prevent
her from relaxing.

4. Irregular work

And almost in the very last place is the most obvious

reason. You are just not disciplined, you are intimidated
by the amount of work or something else. We will not
now analyze the processes of motivation. In general,
you work with yourself every other time, looking for a
magic pill, like affirmations, for example. It's also
easier to repeat 30 times and that's it. You are not
applying scientific methods , but simply
taking the path of least resistance.
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But girls, it won't last that long. It is to exist, not to live.

I'll tell you more. Even I go to a psychologist, even I go
through trainings, and why do I say “even”. Because
many people think that a psychologist is some kind of
robot, not a person. Who has no problems, fears,
complexes. We all have them, but when there is a person
nearby who is from the outside, who directs, helps,
sees it with his own eyes - this is a completely different
job. She is efficient. She gives results. She cuts her crawl
time like a blind kitten. That's it, I've finished my motivational
speech. Let's go further.

5. You don't understand how attitudes fit into your life. The
mechanism of their work. And accordingly, you do it
because you need to, but you don’t understand why
you need to.

In the cognitive-behavioral approach in which I work,

all work with your thinking happens with the help of the
ABC model. What is the ABC model? This
technology that monitors their own reactions and
emotions. It traces the relationship between A - an
activating event, B - beliefs, thoughts, and C - emotions
and reactions. That is, this whole chain is presented as a
Thought-Reaction Situation (or emotion, or all at
once). Is it clear?
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Let's start with element A. In general, why A, because this

is a model in English, where A is an Activating
Event / Activating event, which we will also call
"Trigger" / An event in this context can be what we
saw, heard, remembered or thought. It is worth
paying attention to those situations that cause us a strong
emotional response, mostly negative. Try to
In In

focus on the fact that initially almost all events that occur
are neutral. Of course, you can tell me that there
are frankly negative events. For example, the death or
death of a person, illness, etc., yes. You are right, of
course. But here it is important to be objective for the
sake of noting that each person will have a different
emotional response to any such event.
Someone has sadness, apathy, someone

depression, someone has chronic depression that lasts

for years. Therefore, events should be taken as simply
happened and not having any negative or
positive connotation. But under the influence
of automatic thoughts, often unnoticed, certain
negative emotions can arise in people. So, we figured out
the situations and activating events.
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Next, we consider element B. B is Beliefs / Thoughts

and attitudes (thoughts that occur in response
to an activating event). Thoughts that appear in response
to an event are often automatic. This
means that they can flash through the mind,
in fact, go unnoticed. However, it is these thoughts
that have the most important influence on the formation
of our emotional, behavioral and bodily reactions.
The ABC analysis is mainly aimed at correcting them.

Why do we have these thoughts, and not some others?

Where do they come from? Our automatic
thoughts are formed by
parenting, environment, our experience, our
character, education and many other factors. And
accordingly, our beliefs can change throughout life,
but in fact it is they who create our life.

There are intermediate and deep convictions.

Machine Translated by Google
Intermediate beliefs are essentially
the rules or principles by which we live. We evaluate
ourselves and others according to these rules, so we
understand what is good for us and what
Badly.

For example, beliefs might be: • I shouldn't

be wrong • my boyfriend
should be well-mannered • there should be
justice in the world • I shouldn't worry in
life

Do our beliefs help us live happily? Some yes, but many

of them may be erroneous, maladaptive, unrealistic.
Often they are formed on the basis of cognitive
distortions, which we examined in the first topic. By
working with the ABC model, you can learn to notice
these distortions and, over time, replace them with more
efficient and flexible thinking habits.

About deep convictions. Deep beliefs hide behind

intermediate ones. We all know that one of the main
human needs is the need for love. It manifests
itself from childhood, when we need love from parents,
then it goes into adolescence - the first love, and then as
we grow up, we are always looking for love.
Machine Translated by Google
By applying intermediate beliefs, such as "I must never be wrong," we
are talking about the deep attitude "I am worthless, no one
will love me." A person forms his defense mechanisms in such a
way that he never encounters a feeling of his own helplessness
and loneliness. That is, he assumes the obligation to never
make a mistake, so that God forbid he does not think
that he is really a worthless person, unworthy of love. Do you
understand? How difficult and illogical is this? By the way, you do the
same with yourself.

Detecting intermediate and core beliefs is much more difficult than

automatic thoughts. However, the degree of their influence on our
reactions is much higher. Having managed to change them to more
flexible ones, we can reduce the manifestations of neurotic
emotions, making bodily and behavioral reactions more adequate
and healthier.

The next element of C. C is Consequences /

Consequences. The consequences of our automatic thoughts can be
emotions or reactions, or all
together.

Emotions, in turn, can be neurotic and healthy. The first in psychology is

usually attributed to anger, shame, guilt, anxiety and resentment. They
are able to persist for a long time, for years.

poisoning a person's life.

Machine Translated by Google
It should be understood that getting rid of emotions in principle is
impossible. But you can learn to reduce the manifestations of
neurotic emotions, replacing them with healthier and less
pronounced ones. For example, instead of anger, we will feel a
slight annoyance. Or instead of an oppressive sense of
guilt -
regret.

Now to the reactions. They can be both behavioral

and bodily. Our body
is directly related to thinking, it is instantaneous
responds to neurotic emotions with increased heart rate, muscle
tension, or other symptoms. A person may not even notice the
automatic thoughts that flashed through his mind.

head, and the body has already reacted to them.

Behavioral response can also be different. Someone can run away in

fright from the event at which he felt anxiety, and someone,
having experienced anger, will begin to aggressively sort things out
with the offender. Deliberately avoiding seeing a certain person or
refusing to see a doctor out of fear of a procedure is also a
behavioral response.

This is how the installation mechanism looks like. Let me reiterate

briefly. Situation - Thought - Consequences expressed in emotions or
some actions, reactions. This is a blueprint for how you raise
your self-esteem and how you also lower it.
Machine Translated by Google

Now let's use examples to understand what is happening with your

\J \J

self-esteem.

1. Dasha was walking down the street and noticed how a

young man looked at her. She immediately thought that
no something is wrong.

2. She remembered how her ex-man said that no one needed her,
how she was humiliated at school for being overweight, and now she
still hasn't lost weight. Thoughts pop into my head, “That’s
impossible! Why is he looking at me? Why does he think that he can
pay attention to my excess weight? automatic thoughts

set a negative direction for her thinking.

3. She immediately manifested the strongest sadness, apathy. This

neurotic emotion appeared precisely as a result of thinking. And it is
she who will affect further behavioral reactions.

4. Dasha decided that since she couldn’t lose weight anyway, she
didn’t need to try at all, went home, bought chips, buns, lay down
on the bed and ate until her stomach burst. After that, she considered
herself even more worthless, because she failed again, and in her
thoughts she dramatized this process even more.
Machine Translated by Google

1. Nastya came home and saw her husband sitting at

the computer and not paying attention to her.

2. She thinks, “Oh, he at least met me before, but now

he’s not interested in me at all, he didn’t even turn
around, didn’t look, he doesn’t want me, I’m sure that we
will part soon.” Such automatic thoughts logically cause
negative emotions .

3. She becomes offended, she feels annoyance

and injustice because he does this to her.

4. Makes a scandal to him, throws out his things and

breaks up with him first so that he does not do it
before

It is clear that I exaggerate in this case. But such

situations do exist. This is such a direct manifestation
of neurotic emotions. Imagine, yes, the guy there means
just interested in the game, but here it happens. Instead
of asking him, she tuned her divination ball, read his mind,
and drew the appropriate conclusions.
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1. Vika was late at work and thought that she would

not have time to finish the project that she promised to
finish to her boss on time. It is an activating event
that is triggered by thoughts. I said that the activating
event can also be a thought.

2. This event triggered the following

automatic thoughts in her: “God, he will think that I am
a terrible worker ... I will be fired now. I have nothing to
rent an apartment with.” Automatic thoughts, out of habit,
scroll through negative forecasts.

3. Under the influence of such thoughts, Vika begins

to experience shame, anxiety, fear and helplessness.

4. My heart is pounding like crazy, I

can't focus on the project. Instead of calmly doing
work, Vika calls her boss in a panic and begins to
apologize for letting him down.

Of course, feeling regret in such a situation is normal.

“Yes, sorry I can’t. But I'm already sitting here after work
and can hardly do more. There's nothing you can do, I'll
do what I can ”- healthier thoughts in such a situation.
So you save your self-esteem and nervous system.
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2. Also write down all the negative beliefs that you think
about yourself and rate their objectivity on a scale
of 1 to 1 O. Once rated, try replacing them with more
objective and realistic ones. You must feel it, look at
you from the other side, with different eyes.
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Perfectionism
Let's start with what is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the desire to make everything perfect.

The desire to refine a little more, the desire for some
fictional perfect image. Faith
that it is possible.

The basis of perfectionism is your expectations,

ideas about how it SHOULD be.

Do we remember what healthy self-esteem is? These

are the coincidences of your expectations and
reality. With perfectionism, expectations and reality
coincide in very rare cases. Maybe only if you sell your
soul to the devil.

Perfectionism signs:

1. You are always not satisfied with your results

2. There are two options for you to work: either perfect
or terrible, there are no
half measures 3. You are afraid that perfection will not
happen to you, and therefore
you do nothing 4. You spend a lot of time even on
something that could be done at an
average level 5. You expect others to be perfect too 6.
Mistakes feel like the end of the world for you
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Perfectionism
7. When you are praised, it seems to you that they
just mixed up or made a
mistake 8. If you have little time to complete the task,
you will postpone until the last moment, as it will seem to you
that you cannot do it perfectly 9. You do not recognize that
any goal has
stages of achievement, you want everything at once,
and if you don’t get it, it means that you are a loser 1 O. You
compare yourself with the most
successful, with those who have been going to their goals
for more than one year 11 You are
afraid that if you do not strive for the ideal, then you will have
terrible results 12. You plan everything
to the smallest detail, and if your plan does not come
true, then you lose your temper 14.
Constantly procrastinate

Where does perfectionism come from? Remember, yes?

Our bad head does not give rest.
Machine Translated by Google

7. When you are praised, it seems to you that they

just mixed up or made a
mistake 8. If you have little time to complete the task,
you will postpone until the last moment, as it will seem to you
that you cannot do it perfectly 9. You do not recognize that
any goal has
stages of achievement, you want everything at once,
and if you don’t get it, it means that you are a loser 1 O. You
compare yourself with the most
successful, with those who have been going to their goals
for more than one year 11 You are
afraid that if you do not strive for the ideal, then you will have
terrible results 12. You plan everything
to the smallest detail, and if your plan does not come
true, then you lose your temper 14.
Constantly procrastinate

Where does perfectionism come from? Remember, yes?

Our bad head does not give rest.
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Perfectionism supports society - approves for super

efforts and punishes for not meeting high standards. To
be honest, I am sometimes very surprised by this
process, when people try to live up to the same
expectations that they have set for themselves, thereby
supporting and strengthening them in society, without
trying to break this vicious circle. Although now there is
already a trend towards a thrifty attitude
towards oneself, when it is important to find a balance, and
not work like a horse. But I still notice how people
in conversations among themselves are measured by who
is more tired and who has less time, one even has
no time to eat, the second one to breathe, all in work, in
tasks, family, 485 projects and here's another ONE TO
TAKE .

Perfectionists are very anxious people. Just for the

reason that they are always running after the ideal,
they are always trying to be better, they are
dependent on the approval of society and go crazy
when they do not receive this approval. They have no life, but hel
Machine Translated by Google
The first thing to deal with in order to avoid the
problem of perfectionism is dealing with stress. In
general, any problem must begin to be solved by
minimizing stress and anxiety. If the level of anxiety is
elevated, then you will simply be in a “fight or flight”
state, your thoughts will be busy with other things,
resources are running out, you will try to find
activities that will drown out your anxiety, distract
you for a while. Food addictions are born here, aimless
sitting behind the series, just not to feel this anxiety. By
the way, this is a reference to how you, being in this
state, are trying to
start a new life, try to introduce new habits, lose
weight, run, read, but all this crumbles in a week,
because your body is exhausted physically and
mentally.

Now let's figure out how to deal with

perfectionism.

1. Prioritize

In our world there are a bunch of important and least

important things. There is an area in
which you want to improve, there are related
activities. Evaluate what is your first priority
right now. You cannot be effective in everything at once.
Therefore, it is important to highlight where you
would like to try, and where you can leave everything
at the “it will do” level.
Machine Translated by Google

2. Goal decomposition and time limit

In order not to stretch your affairs for a large

amount of time in pursuit of ideality, which cannot
be achieved, divide the goal into minimal tasks and set a
deadline for each task. Once you have completed it,
you no longer return to it, not in reality, not in thoughts, but
focus further on the next immediate task. It will also help
you avoid stress when achieving some global goals
and the fear of not being perfect.

3. Work with conviction is the basis!!!

You can strive for the ideal, you can imagine what result
you would like, but you also realize that if this does
not work out, then this is not a tragedy for you.
You praise yourself and move on. This is an experience for
you, which next time will help you do something differently,
take into account more nuances. You won't get depressed
because you can't do anything. You just do it
differently.

By the way, most perfectionists see the world in

black and white. Either this or that. There is no third.
Machine Translated by Google
4. Accepting that mistakes are experiences.

When you realize that all your principles, your rules

of life are shaped by your experience, you will
understand how important it is to make mistakes and
draw the right conclusions. By correct conclusions I
mean their rationality and constructiveness. Not such
a conclusion “I am a nonentity”, but one that
will help you change your behavior model in the
future, do it differently and get a different result. Any
mistake should be welcome for you. As soon as you make
a mistake, you should scream "FINALLY" !!!. Mistakes
should become your friends, almost like a mother who
brings up with love and care. Now you know how not
to, and this is already much more than others know.

5. Do not overestimate your level of motivation.

Everyone always thinks they lack the motivation to

achieve something. But a high level of motivation is bad
for a perfectionist. A high level of motivation is like a
flash. Everything is boiling inside you, you get up, you
think "YEAH, NOW WE'LL CONQUER THE WHOLE
WORLD! " you fall to the bottom. With strong
motivation, you kind of pull the rubber band, and the
more you pull it, the more it will fly back to you.
It will hurt. Very painful.
Machine Translated by Google

There are two scientifically validated theories of

Yerkes Dodson regarding the relationship between
the level of motivation and the results of achieving
the goal. In 1908, Robert Yerkes and John Dodson
conducted experiments with mice, studying the
intensity of electric shocks when teaching rodents
to pass a maze. The current in this study was
represented by human motivation, and the
labyrinth - to the goal to be achieved.

The researchers concluded that too much motivation

(excessive current intensity) impairs performance,
because it entails an increase in the level of activity and
tension, which cause disruptions in behavior. In this
regard, the first law of Yerkes-Dodson states that for
any activity there is an optimal level of motivation
(optimum), exceeding this threshold negatively
affects the final result. For example, if the optimum
is 7 points, then an increase to 10 points will lead
to a deterioration in efficiency. The second law of Yerkes-
Dodson states that an activity that is more complex for
the subject requires a smaller optimum for its
implementation.
Machine Translated by Google

The Yerkes-Dodson laws later received

experimental confirmation in work with people:
for the experiment, monetary rewards were used as
motivation, and puzzle tasks were used as the
result of activity. For small amounts, the
participants in the experiment worked unproductively,
then their results improved, but as they approached
the final, the hype grew, which worsened their
performance. Thus, it has been proven that motivation
is indeed necessary, but it is important to find a balance
in any activity.

6. Focus on the process, not the result

We all immediately want minus 15 kilograms, abs, an

ass like Kim Kardashian, 3 million in the account,
a house in Miami and self-confidence such that all
guys turn their heads. But this does not happen,
everyone has gone the way, and you only
demotivate yourself when you imagine that you
need to lose 100,500 kilograms in 10 days. Your
brain is just in such a shock that it says “No, not today,
tomorrow” - and so every day. Planned work is the
basis of your success. Imagine where you would
already be if you had started when you first thought
about this goal, but you would have
taken small steps and focused on the process,
rather than dreaming of perfection and driving yourself
into fear of the magnitude of the goal.-ÿ
Machine Translated by Google

1. We will reframe mistakes with you. Remember

the situation in which you made a mistake, which seemed
like a tragedy to you, as if the whole world had
collapsed. Bring your feeling of this mistake to the
point of absurdity, describe all your thoughts that arose
then because of this mistake.

For example, you flunked the exam at work, at school,

at the institute. Your thoughts were at that moment:
“As always, I couldn’t do anything”, “I always have
everything in one place”, “Everyone always does
everything well, and I am in half with grief”. Now
you must intensify these feelings “I will never
become a good specialist”, “I will no longer be able to
look people in the eye”, “I will forever remain in the
margins of life”, “Every person sees that I am a loser”,
“I even walk like loser, breathe like a loser.
Machine Translated by Google

You must bring it to the point of absurdity, to the

maximum, so much so that you yourself say, “Well, this
is some kind of nonsense.” After being driven to the
point of absurdity, you need to imagine that all the
nightmarish qualities of the error have been removed,
only valuable experience remains, now you must write
your thoughts. For example, “Now I know how to take
the exam”, “I can prepare better and pass
again”, “It doesn’t always work out the first time, but I
will try”, and so on.

Try to find the right thoughts for your situation. What

do you feel now? How much has the error been reduced?
Did it get easier for you?
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.,

With love u femaleU

solidarity-rew.
Anya Reun, p .. ,,_;-.,.,