A step-by-step guide to teaching

conflict resolution & emotional regulation

--Teaching siblings and friends to solve their own problems--

Siblings and peers need the chance to be a team, and teams cannot be “nice” to each other all the time.
They need to challenge each other, ask questions, and hold each other accountable. They need to build
trust with each other, confide, and play. When we as parents control, pad, and force only positive
interactions, those natural and deep lasting bonds are not given opportunities to form.

With our children under the age of 5, this means teaching the first lessons in conflict resolution:
supervising and coaching without taking sides.

Teach

1. What is the problem?

Do they even have the same problem? It might just be helping them to clarify what it is they are
fighting about.

2. What are they feeling, and what do they want?

Positive Discipline’s “bug and a wish” is magical for this. You can teach the precursor to an
assertive I statement by handing them a plastic bug and a wand and guiding them to tell their
brother, “It bugs me when…and I wish you would…”

3. What did they hear?

Then, coaching the sibling or peer on what they just heard: “I hear you saying...It bugs you
when... and you wish….” Teaching active listening skills might mean having the bug and wish
repeated.

4. What can they take responsibility for?

This is a helpful stepping-stone to meaningful apologies. Without being forced, they can
objectively take responsibility for their part of the problem.

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 5. What is a solution?
Coach the brainstorming by helping them focus on solutions. “What is a solution you both can
live with?” (a win-win). Or, “I can hold onto the toy until you find a solution that works for you.”

When the conflict is too heated or escalated (or has gotten physical) then the teaching becomes about
how we only solve problems when we are calmed down. Coach them through regulating the emotions
without sweeping it under the rug.

Slice it thinner!
Keep breaking these skills down to simple steps and allow for practice. Perspective-taking is developed
over time and through many experiences so be patient and consistent.

Assertive vs. passive/aggressive

Teach children to sit up tall, make eye contact, use helpful, not hurtful language, and to ask for what
they want and need with a strong voice. Teach them to consider whether they are still having fun with
the peer or sibling and how they are feeling during the play.

Calm before solving problems

Teach Dr. Siegel’s Brain in the Palm of the Hand to bring awareness for when they are regulated enough
to solve the problem. A Positive Time Out Space, place to take a break when out and about, or simply a
“meta moment” (pause and reflect, then take a moment to regather) can help with this. It does not
need to be rushed. Problems can be solved any time, even the next day or week.

Stop means stop

Make it a game and practice when someone says stop to physically stop. For example, tickle, and when
they say “stop” put your hands up and clearly say “stop means stop” and then have them say “go” to
continue the game. Take turns.

Teach how to share

Give them the language to ask:
“Can I take a turn?”
“When can I have a turn?”
“What can I do while I wait?”

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 --Teaching skills for emotional regulation--

Flipping your lid

Dr. Dan Siegel explains the science behind "flipping your lid." When your child's emotions are running
high their rational brain is literally turned off and their irrational or reptilian brain is firing. Until they
(and you) are calm, they won't be able to function, reason, listen, problem-solve, or have a rational
conversation with anyone.

*Scroll down to see a guide to teaching your child about the Brain in the Palm of the Hand.

Model how you calm yourself

Especially at a young age, a child won’t be able to calm themselves very easily. This is completely
normal. It is important to model this behavior by being their lighthouse in the storm. Remember, this is
not about you-- your child is learning how to handle big emotions by the way you react.

Here's what you can do:

● Breathe in through the nose
● Ground yourself physically by feel your feet on the floor (or seat on the chair) and imagine
roots growing
● Notice where your shoulders are and melt them down your back
● Lift your chin and float your head toward the sky
With practice, this can take only 3-5 seconds and become muscle memory. You are teaching your body
to relax when faced with stress, which triggers YOUR brain to feel safe as opposed to threatened. This
guides us from fight/flight to rational and integrated.

Help your child name their emotions

Young children need you to help them identify their feelings and why they might be having
them. Helping children name their feelings (even infants!) teaches them the language to identify their
feelings and helps their brain send the message "I am safe." This allows them to re-engage their rational
brain and start to calm down. It can be like magic – all of sudden they are happy and running around
again.

Use feelings charts to help children identify emotions.

Read lots of books about emotions.

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Teach appropriate ways to feel better
In the moment, you can ask for a hug. If your child is safe, walk away to give them space or encourage
them to follow you to a new room or outside. This simple change in the environment can help them shift
their emotional response. Redirect their focus by offering them another game or toy.

When your child is calm, teach these tools to practice the next time their emotions erupt:

● Take deep breaths like you are blowing out a candle, or spouting like a whale, or exploding like a
volcano
● Watch the snow fall in a snow globe, or shake up a glitter jar and watch the glitter settle to the
bottom
● Find a cozy place in the house to cuddle together or give your child a toy or stuffy that provides
them comfort if they don’t want you nearby.
● Pull out the books that have feelings pictures in them to have at the ready so they can identify
or point to what they are feeling.

Offer sensory supports

When looking for good soothing tricks, go to your 5 senses! Children love to rub silky things, feel
playdough, or dig in dirt with their hands. Music can change their mood immediately. If you start singing
it can shift their whole focus. Looking at their favorite visually appealing book or sipping on a water
bottle can also help soothe. Put these items in a bin that is easily accessible or ideally in a spot
designated for calming down.

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 --Teach kids the Brain in the Palm of the Hand--
The Brain in the Palm of the Hand comes from Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, authors of
The Whole Brain Child. To teach this to your little one (you can start at age 2!), use simple language:

Happy Brain

“When we are happy, focused, able to follow

directions, or feeling cozy, our brain is here (show
the closed fist). We are good at solving problems
and can come up with great ideas. We are good
friends and helpers.”

Flipped Lid

“When we are sad, mad or so scared that we are crying or

yelling or feel out of control, we can’t listen or come up
with good ideas to solve problems. Our brain is here (show
the open hand). We feel icky and sometimes hot or our
tummy hurts, and it is hard to think. We have flipped our
lid.” Continue with “Sometimes we are in the middle or
just starting to flip our lid (show partway). It is our job to
get our brain back to here (show the closed again) so we
feel better and we can solve our problem. This is when our
brain is strong and healthy.”

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Teaching with books
Then use a book, like Jared’s Cool Out Space or Bernice Gets Angry (or any book where the character
goes through different emotions) and ask them on each page, “Where is their brain right now?” cueing
and teaching as you go along.

Ask
A few times a day you can ask, “Where is your brain right now (especially when they are obviously
happy)?” If they show their hand open, then I ask, “How can we get it back to here (show the closed
fist)?” If they don’t know, then offer the calm down space or another calming tool (e.g. hug, sip of
water).

Want more?
Learn from our experts. Positive Discipline coaching and classes available online and in-
person. www.besproutable.com or find us on social media: @BeSproutable

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