Building Relationships

Dr. Paul Choo

INTRODUCTION

The ability to build relationships is probably the most important life skill to
acquire. It has the potential to change our lives, families, churches and
world. Ironically, it is also a very neglected life skill which is seldom taught
in our families, schools, churches or seminaries. The result is that young
people today have 10,000 Facebook friends but few real friends. And
Christians make little inroads into the communities that God has placed
them in, preferring to huddle in their little churches.

THE THEOLOGY OF RELATIONSHIPS

Building relationships sounds like a secular topic to most people. However,

relationships are rooted in who the Triune God is. The three Persons of
the Holy Trinity have had perfect loving relationships throughout eternity -
long before the creation of the universe or any being.
We are made in the image of God
(“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created
him…” Genesis 1:27a).
Therefore, we are made to enjoy loving relationships like God.
God walked in the Garden of Eden with Adam
(“And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the
cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the
presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.” Genesis 3:8).

After Adam sinned against God, God immediately gave his plan for
restoring the broken relationship between God and men
(“I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your
offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall
bruise his heel.” Genesis 3:15).
Throughout the journey of the Israelites in the wilderness, God was
present in the midst of his people
(“And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them
along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they
might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar
of fire by night did not depart from before the people.” Exodus 13:21-
22).
Jesus Christ came into this world to restore our relationship with God and
men. His life on earth was one of building relationships. Though he was
the Son of God, he chose to live among men to be a role model of building
relationships. Throughout his ministry he immersed himself among men.
Wherever he went, he was surrounded by multitudes of people. He
reached out to the outcasts - lepers, prostitutes, little children. He spent
much time with his disciples. He lived wherever he was welcomed.
The Holy Spirit of God lives in our hearts in an intimate 24/7 relationship.
(“and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our
hearts as a guarantee.” 2 Corinthians 1:22).
When Jesus was asked by the teacher “which is the great commandment
in the Law?” Jesus replied by giving two seemingly different answers to
his question of “which is greatest commandment,” which required one
answer, not two
(“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your
heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and
first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor
as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the
Prophets.”” Matthew 22:37-40).
The reason that Jesus gave the two commandments as the “greatest
commandment” is because the way to love our God is to love our neighbor.
God is high above us and is fully sufficient and not in need of our support
or help. But when we love the men around us, who bear the image of God,
we are showing our love to God.
The way to love our neighbor is to first build relationships with them that
can eventually lead to loving relationships of help, support and fellowship.
Therefore building relationships is the first step in loving our God with all
our heart, soul and mind.

BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS.
There are six simple doable steps to building relationships:
1. Wave
2. Smile
3. Touch
4. Eye contact
5. Greeting
6. Conversation

1. WAVE.
To understand the power of a wave of our hand, we need to look at effect
of the wagging of a dog’s tail. A dog has little functional value to its owner.
In contrast, a cow plows the field and produces milk for its owner, and
when the cow is too old to plow or produce milk, it is usually slaughtered
for meat. Similarly a chicken lays eggs regularly for its owner. And when
the chicken is too old to lay eggs, it is slaughtered to be enjoyed by its
owner. On the other hand, rarely is a dog ever slaughtered for food for its
owner after its death. It is often given a nice burial as befitting a “man’s
best friend.” What differentiates the dog from the other domesticated
animals around us? The answer is largely found in the enthusiastic
wagging of the dog’s tail whenever it sees its master approaching. The
dog’s owner feels good to be recognized and highly appreciated by the
dog. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, humans first need is their
physiological needs of food, water and air, then he needs security from
danger, followed by belonging and love, and the next level of need is to
be esteemed and appreciated. The wagging of the dog’s tail fulfills this
fourth level of human needs.

Humans do not have a tail but we have two arms which are more
prominent than any tail. Sad to say, these two arms have seldom been
used as tools to signal recognition and appreciation of those whom God
brings into our midst. Let us learn to use these two arms to “initiate” a
relationship whenever we see someone. If we fail to do this, we waste the
important first “10 seconds” of building relationships as we walk towards
someone or as someone walks toward us.

2. SMILE.
As we come within a comfortable distance of someone who can see our
facial features, then we should smile at them. Obviously this smile will
come much more naturally and be received much more warmly, if we had
earlier waved to that person.
A smile has always been the universal language that crosses almost all
barriers. A smile says “Hi! I like you. I want to be your friend. I hope that
you also want to be my friend.” Sad to say, this powerful tool that God has
given to us has been wasted. Behavioral scientists say that the average
baby smiles approximately 400 times per day. As that baby grows up to
be an adult male, the number of smiles decreases to about 20 times per
day (the actual number, of course, varies from person to person and
culture to culture). If the baby grows up to be an adult female, the number
of smiles decreases to approximately 40 times per day. One of the major
factors for this decrease in the number of smiles is the culture in which a
baby grows up. Most children grow up under teachers who do not smile
much. They are often surrounded by adults who seldom smile at them.
Christians grew up with pastors who also do not smile much. Humans
have mirroring neurons in the brain. These mirroring neurons cause them
to respond to the faces that they see. If they are surrounded by non-
smiling faces then they respond with a non-smiling face. If they are aware
that everyone has mirroring neurons then they will smile at them knowing
that a smile is a contagious tool. Behavioral scientists say that
approximately 50% of the people that we smile to will respond back with
a smile. The reason why 50% do not smile back is that mirroring neurons
do not control us but we can override them. For example, if we suspect
that the person smiling at us is not a good person then we will respond by
not smiling back at them. If we had earlier prepared the person with a
enthusiastic wave of our arms, then the positive response rate will be
higher.
God has also built a facial feedback mechanism into every person.
Whenever we smile, certain facial muscles contract. When these facial
muscles contract, a feedback is given to the brain which then releases
neurochemicals (such as dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins). These
neurochemicals are “feel good chemicals” that make us feel happier, less
discouraged, lowers our high blood pressure and our heart rates. In other
words, these neurochemicals are good for our mental and physical health.
People who understand this facial feedback mechanism know that we are
happy when we smile. People who don’t understand this mechanism think
that they will only smile if they are happy. In other words, they allow
circumstances around them to dictate their happiness.
The scientific data for the facial feedback mechanism has been repeatedly
proven by the simple “chopstick experiment.“ Scientists have found that
when a chopstick is clenched horizontally by our teeth, approximately the
same muscles that are used in smiling contract. When the “feel good”
neurochemicals are measured in the person undergoing the experiment,
they are found to be raised. However, if the chopstick is bitten in such a
way that it sticks out in front of our face, then different facial muscles are
used and when the “feel good” neurochemicals are measured they are not
raised.

It will be useful for us to learn to recognize a genuine smile from a fake

smile. In a genuine smile, our facial muscles pull up the ends of our mouth
towards our ears and pull down the ends of our eyes so that we seem to
have smaller eyes. In a fake smile, the eyes do not get smaller.

(Genuine) (Non Genuine)

Let us learn to use this powerful tool that God has given us to build
relationships and to spread an epidemic of happiness around us.

3. TOUCH.
God has designed the human body to respond positively to touch.
Scientist have discovered that touch also releases “feel good”
neurochemicals. Most cultures utilize the power of “medical massage” to
relieve aches, pains and depression. Most cultures also use touch (eg.
handshake) to build relationships between people. During the COVID-19
restrictions, when masks covered our smiles and health rules restricted
us from handshakes, there was a sense of isolation and depression
among many people.
Jesus could easily heal the sick multitudes by a “sweep of his hand” but
chose to touch the people that he healed (including lepers). In the NT
Epistles, we are told five times to greet one another with a “holy kiss.”
Let us learn to use this God-given tool of touch in an appropriate way
(according to gender, age and culture) to build relationships.
Wise pastors know that standing at the church door to shake the hands of
arriving congregants and to shake the hands of departing congregants at
the end of each worship service is a very powerful tool in building
relationships.

4. EYE CONTACT.
When shaking hands it is good to make eye contact. Scientists have also
found that eye contact releases “feel good”neurochemicals. Making eye
contact is particularly difficult for many Asians. Many Asian children are
taught not to look into the eyes of adults but to look downwards whenever
they approach an adult. This cultural habit continues throughout the lives
of many Asians. Conscious effort is required to overcome this cultural
habit.
It is amazing how God has created the human body with these positive
feedback mechanisms from smiles, touch and eye contact to help us build
relationships. For centuries men had intuitively understood the positive
effects of these but now scientists have confirmed these effects with
scientific data. We should be encouraged by these scientific findings to
maximize our God-given tools to build relationships for God’s glory.

5. GREETING.
When we shake hands and make eye contact it is good to also greet the
person by his name. A man’s name is a sweet sound to him, because a
name identifies who he is. Our names are our identity, making us special
and unique. God records so many names in the Bible to teach us the
importance of names. However most people do not bother to remember
names, believing that it is not important to do so. Besides using the
persons name when greeting him, it is wise to continue addressing him by
name throughout the conversation. This repetition helps us to remember
the name and also helps us to build stronger bonds of relationship.
6. CONVERSATION.
After the initial 5 stages of relationship building (which usually take the
first 20 seconds), relationships are deepened through meaningful
conversations. Most people are terrified to carry out a conversation
because they believe that they are not good conversationalists. The
common misconception is that to be a good conversationalist you have to
be a naturally articulate speaker. However, a good conversationalist is
very different from a good public speaker, as most people are not
interested in listening to a lecture or learning about other people’s lives
because most people people are more interested in themselves and not
others. Therefore a good conversationalist is one who does not spend lots
of time giving lessons or sharing about himself but one who shows interest
in others. Therefore a good conversationalist needs only to have a
genuine interest in others and learn to ask a few questions, such as “Tell
me a little more about yourself.” And then learn to use follow-up phrases
such as “And then what happened next?” “Wow that’s interesting, tell me
more.”
Most people will consider you to be a good conversationalist when you
show interest in them. Therefore it is difficult for a natural speaker to be a
good conversationalist. While a caring person who does not speak much
is usually good conversationalist.

CONCLUSION
Building relationships is definitely more time-consuming and needs more
intentionality, skill and prayer than merely attending church services,
bible-studies or Christian fellowships.
However, when we realize that loving God is primarily demonstrated by
our love towards others, and building relationships is the first step towards
loving others, we can overcome the hindrances that keep us from building
relationships.