SEX

What Causes Sexless

Relationships & How To Fix
One, According To Sex
Therapists
Contributing Sex & Relationships
Editor
By Kelly Gonsalves

Image by Lior + Lone / Stocksy

July 28, 2020

If you've found yourself in a sexless

relationship, you likely have a lot of
questions on your mind: What causes a
relationship to become sexless? Is a
sexless relationship healthy? And maybe
the scariest question to ask yourself,
especially if you've been in this
relationship a long time and very much
love the person you're with: Should you
stay in a sexless relationship? Here are all
the answers you're looking for, straight
from sex and marriage therapists.

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In This Article

1 Sexless relationship definition

2 Statistics

3 Causes

4 Effects on the relationship

5 Is it healthy?

6 Can a sexless relationship survive?

7 Should you stay?

8 How to deal with a sexless relationship

9 How important is sex in a relationship?

What is a sexless relationship?

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A sexless relationship is a relationship

where there's little to no sexual activity
occurring between the couple. There's no
exact way to quantify what counts as a
sexless relationship, as different people
have different expectations and desires for
sex. Having sex 10 times a year or less is
usually considered a sexless relationship,
according to AASECT-certified sex
therapist Jessa Zimmerman. But it's very
dependent on the individuals. For example,
some people are perfectly happy with sex
about once a month, whereas for others,
that might feel infrequent enough to
consider it a sexless relationship.

"It's a bit arbitrary," Zimmerman tells mbg.

"I am always hesitant to define what
amount is a problem or to focus on
frequency because just meeting a number
doesn't mean your sex life is really
working. Whenever we talk frequency, I
think we are having the wrong
conversation; it should be about quality—
the degree to which both people find it
enjoyable, engaging, and positive in their
relationship."

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Sexless relationship statistics.

Of the 659 married people who shared

details about their sexual frequency in the
2018 U.S. General Social Survey, about
19% were in what could be considered
sexless relationships, reporting having had
sex "once or twice" or "not at all" in the
last year.

In comparison, about 35% of those married

people had sex one to three times per
month, 25% of had sex weekly, and 21%
had sex several times per week.

In general, it's common for sex in long-

term relationships to fluctuate in frequency
and quality. One study found four in five
couples dealt with mismatched libidos in
the last month. "Sexless relationships
happen all the time," marriage therapist
and certified sex educator Lexx Brown-
James, LMFT, tells mbg.

What causes sexless relationships.

There's often not one direct cause that

leads to sexless relationships but rather a
myriad of factors that contribute to how a
relationship slowly becomes sexless over
time. Here are a few common contributing
factors, according to Brown-James and
sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

Neither person cares about sex that much

Being so busy that sex is deprioritized

Neglecting intimacy and pleasure in general

Conflict in the relationship that creates

disconnection

Health challenges (e.g., sexual pain,

dysfunction, aging-related changes, etc.)

One or both partners are asexual

One or both partners have experienced

sexual trauma, making sex harder or less
appealing

Mismatched libido or other forms of desire

discrepancy

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"There's also so much misinformation out

there about sex, and that can lead people
to developing unhealthy relationships with
it. For example, believing that sex should
always be spontaneous," Marin adds. "And
sometimes couples find themselves in a
sexless marriage and can't even remember
how they got there."

Effects of a sexless relationship.

A sexless relationship will not necessarily

harm the overall health of the relationship.
"If both people are happy without sex (or
infrequent sex), there is no problem. Like
so much about our sex life, it's a problem
when it causes distress," Zimmerman
explains.

But she notes: If one or both people are

unhappy with their sex life, it can cause
negative feelings that can bubble up in
other areas of their life and taint the rest of
the relationship. When one or both people
are unhappy with the sexlessness, she says
some potential effects include:

Negative feelings like loneliness,

resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection, and
inadequacy

Negative feelings and pressure around sex,

triggering a sexual avoidance cycle

Less openness and connection

Less goodwill and kindness

Less patience with each other

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Is a sexless relationship healthy?

Yes, sexless relationships can absolutely be

healthy. "Some people are perfectly happy
without sex, so there is no problem. And
even when sex is a problem, the rest of the
relationship can be healthy," says
Zimmerman. It all depends on the couple,
what each person's individual needs are,
and how they communicate and tend to
each other's needs.

"But if one or both people are unhappy,

that will inevitably lead to a negative cycle
and some spillover to the rest of their
relationship," she notes. "If the sex life isn't
'healthy,' it doesn't mean the whole
relationship isn't, but it can take a serious
toll."

Can a relationship survive without

intimacy?

A relationship can survive without intimacy,

and so can sexless relationships. But a
relationship without intimacy is not exactly
the same as a relationship without sex.
Some people might not have a ton of
sexual activity and don't mind it all,
especially if they have other types of
intimacy like emotional intimacy and
spiritual intimacy.

But if you have no types of intimacy

whatsoever in the relationship, that's a
whole separate problem that may not
necessarily be related to the lack of sex.

"A relationship without intimacy and

passion that solely has commitment is
called empty love," Brown-James says,
citing psychologist Robert Sternberg's
triangular theory of love. "These
relationships can survive; however,
partners might look more like roommates
than lovers. There is one caveat where
marriages without passion survive and
thrive. Relationships where friendship and
commitment are the base of connection
survive and thrive when passion is absent."

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Should you stay in a sexless

relationship?

Whether you should stay in a sexless

relationship depends on how important sex
is to you personally. "People who value sex
also can stay in a sexless relationship and
be happy," Brown-James says. "While sex
is one way to bring pleasure into a
relationship, it's not the only way and for
some not the most important way to
connect with one another. It's really an
individual choice whether a person wants
to stay and something that takes an honest
conversation with yourself about desire
and sexual needs."

The decision to stay in a sexless

relationship also depends on how willing
you both are to working on creating a
mutually satisfying sex life together. Have
you opened up a conversation about the
state of your sex life together, and have
both people put in active effort and care
into solving this issue?

"If you are in a sexless relationship and

feeling unsatisfied, there is reason to
discuss your dissatisfaction with your
partner and come up with solutions,"
Brown-James says. "Parsing out exactly
what you mean, expect, and want is
integral to knowing if you want to stay or
leave."

It may not make sense for you to stay in a

sexless relationship if any of the following
are true for you, according to Zimmerman:

1 Your partner refuses to work through

this issue with you.

2 Your relationship issues are so big that

there are other reasons to divorce.

3 Your sexual interests are so different

that there are not ways to enjoy sex
together, and you don't agree to find
another way to explore those interests.

(Here's Zimmerman's full guide to how to

know when to walk away from a sexless
marriage or relationship.)

"One of the things that can keep people

stuck and not dealing with the issues is the
belief that this means their relationship is
doomed," Zimmerman adds. "It doesn't
have to mean that, but if people don't
understand they can address the issues,
they are likely to avoid the issue and doing
anything to fix it."

How to deal with a sexless

relationship.

If you're in a sexless relationship and really

struggling to get your sex life to a place
that feels good for both people, consider
working with a sexuality professional.
Oftentimes bringing in a supportive,
impartial third party can help clear the air
and set you on the right path.

Below are five more tips from Zimmerman,

in her exact words:

1. Talk about it.

Have a different kind of conversation, one

that is meant to get you working on it as a
team, as allies, committed to a win/win.
Most couples in this situation believe their
interests are opposed (more sex/less sex),
but it's crucial to be working together on a
sex life that works for both people. That
has to come through in the conversations.
And you have to keep the topic on the
table, not just bring it up once a year.

2. Uncover the obstacles.

What's gotten in the way of sex? Instead of

anger that you aren't getting what you
want, cultivate curiosity about why this is a
struggle for your partner. There are many
things that can get in the way, including
relationship issues, power dynamics, the
meaning of sex in your relationship, the sex
itself, etc. You need to identify what's in
the way and work together to change
those aspects.

3. Develop a new paradigm.

Challenge expectations about sex. Learn

how it works. Redefine it so it's not
attached to particular acts or outcomes.
Create more flexibility around how you can
share sexuality. Learn how sexual desire
really works, and approach sex with
openness to play rather than having
specific metrics for success.

Approach sex as a "playground" without

4.
attachment to an outcome.

Rather than a binary yes/no (which so

many people end up with), create room for
"maybe." Let's get started and see what
happens. Create those opportunities and
enjoy them together, whether that results
in "sex" the way you think of it or not. This
is how you can take the pressure off—by
learning to play and enjoy and create a
way of engaging where there is no failure.

5. Prioritize it.

Schedule opportunities for this

playground, this "maybe." Make it a regular
part of your life—to be physically intimate
in some way, without pressure that it has
to be any particular act(s). And keep
talking!

How important is sex in a

relationship?

How important sex is in a relationship will

vary based on the couple and the
individuals in it. In general, research shows
sexual satisfaction is linked to overall
relationship satisfaction, but that doesn't
necessarily mean more sex is better. One
study in the Social Psychological and
Personality journal found that adding more
sex to a relationship stopped improving
happiness after a certain point (about once
a week), while other research has found
people who don't have sex are just as
happy as people who have a lot of it.

"It's so dependent on the couple!" Marin

says. "For some couples, having sex once a
year feels totally healthy. For other
couples, having sex less than once a day
doesn't feel healthy! We each get to decide
how important sex is to us individually, and
how to balance those needs as a couple."

For couples who do generally care about

having a relatively active sex life,
Zimmerman notes, "When sex is working
well, it feels like 20% of the relationship—
just one more aspect that's working. But
when it isn't, it feels like 80% of the
relationship, potentially overshadowing the
other parts that may be working just fine."

Just remember, it's perfectly normal to not

want to have sex with your partner
sometimes, and ebbs and flows in sexual
desire within a relationship are common.
As long as there's communication and a
willingness to work together, relationships
can survive these ups and downs without
trouble.

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Kelly Gonsalves
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and
relationship coach helping people figure out how to
create dating and sex lives that actually feel good …
With
moreher warm,
open, playful
more approach
optimistic, and to coaching
more and
pleasurable.

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