Nurturing The Winner Genius Within

www.iamgifted.com.
sg 1
Copyright© Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group Pte Ltd
Nurturing The Winner

& Genius In Your Child
Ebook Version
Adam Khoo
www.iamgifted.com.sg 2
About Adam Khoo

Adam Khoo is the Chairman of the Adam
Khoo Learning technologies Group, one of
Asia’s largest private training companies
that operate in seven countries.
He holds an Honours Degree in Business

Administration (Finance) (NUS) where he
was ranked among the top 1% among his
cohort. He was awarded both the NUS
Eminent Alumni Award (2011) and NUS
Business School Eminent Alumni Award
(2008) for being one of Singapore’s most
successful and prominent business leaders.
He is the Best-Selling Author of 13 Books Including, ‘I Am Gifted, So Are You!’,

‘How to Multiply Your Child’s Intelligence’ and ‘Secrets of Successful Teens’
His business and personal achievements have been featured on Channel News
Asia’s Millionaire Makers, Channel News Asia’s Morning Show, The Straits
Times, The Sunday Times and the Business Times.
In 2002, Adam Khoo created the ‘I Am Gifted!’ Program that empowers and
equips students with the mindsets, life-skills and learning strategies to excel in
their lives. Over 300,000 students have attended the program in over seven
countries. Although busy running his businesses in corporate training, advertising,
children’s enrichment and fund management, Adam finds the time to pursue his
passion in teaching and mentoring people to achieve their fullest potential in their
personal, financial and professional lives.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The Power to Shape Your Child’s

Success
Chapter 2: Paradigms of Highly Effective Parents
Chapter 3: How to Empower Your Child to

Succeed
Chapter 4: The Five Emotions That Drive Teens
Chapter 5: Nurturing High Self-Esteem & Self-

Confidence
Conclusion
Chapter 1:
The Power to Shape Your Child’s Success
If you are a parent who is beginning to think your child is living in another
‘space’, even another Planet, you are not alone.
If you are helplessly wondering what happened to the obedient and talkative
12 year-old who now answers you in mono syllables but spends hours
muttering, giggling into his/her handphone in some unintelligible
language… well, you are not alone too!
Many parents of pre-teen and teenage children are frustrated because they
don’t seem to be able to get through to this silent, sometimes even sullen,
‘stranger’ in the home. Even worse, the child who seemed to be good in his
studies has suddenly lost interest and his grades are fast slipping and he
doesn’t seem to care!
Or you know he/she has a lot of potential – you get glimpses of it but
somehow, he/she lacks the focus, the drive…
And you, the parent, know how important it is for children to be motivated
in their studies to succeed in life; to succeed and find purpose and fulfillment
in whatever field they choose to go into. You want so much to help them, to
advice them and to be a part of their lives….but suddenly you feel shut out.
How do we communicate with and inspire our children, many parents have
asked me? These parents (especially parents of teenage children) tell me that
they feel clueless about what is going on in their child’s mind and cannot
understand why their child can spend hours playing computer games.
Tapping memories/experiences of our own teenage years and how our

parents related to us does not seem relevant or applicable to how we can
relate to the teens of today’s frenetic world. Parents in their 40s in particular,
remember being obedient, hard working and always polite to their elders.
Well, the good news is that parenting does not have to be an endless uphill
battle with our pre-teen and teenage children. With the right approach and
communication strategies, you will be amazed to find that there is a way for
parent and child to enjoy each other’s company and to cooperate for mutual
benefit and success Children can be extremely appreciative and caring when
they feel loved and are given due respect and the chance to show their
gratitude.
Loving Them Is Not Enough… We Need Strategies
The fact is that having good intentions and loving our children is no longer
enough. At the same time, using the same methods that our parents brought
us up with may not work anymore. Kids today think differently. They are
much more knowledgeable (savvy), emotional and exposed to the world. As
parents, we need a totally new paradigm and new strategies to help us
connect with our children, help unleash the potential within them and help
them stay balanced and emotionally strong as they grow to full adulthood.
Understanding Their Dreams and Wants
As parents, it is easy for us to know what we want from them. However, in

order to reach into their world and help them we must also understand what
they want from us, and the problems they go through on a daily basis.
Stop for a while and take a few minutes to write down what you think your
teen or child really wants the most. What do you think they want and need
from you the most? Please jot down a few points in the space below before
continuing.
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Let’s find out if your answers match what most children and teens really
want for themselves and from their parents. From a survey we conducted
recently with over 100 students, our findings were as follows:
The top five things children/ teens want from their parents are:
1. Freedom and the space to be who they want
2. To be trusted
3. To be loved and accepted
4. To be recognized
5. To be given independence
When I show this list to parents in my ‘Transformational Parents

Workshops’, many of them would make comments like, ‘How can I trust
them when they are so irresponsible?’, ‘ If they want me to trust them, then
they must prove that they are worthy of it’, ‘If I give them the freedom they
want, they will have no discipline’ and ‘What if they make the wrong
decisions?’
Is there a way to give our children and teens what they want and, at the same
time, ensure that they develop the discipline, responsibility and maturity to
make the right decisions? Absolutely!
Ineffective parents are trapped in the paradigm that in order to bring up their
kids well, they cannot give in to their children’s desires for ‘freedom’, ‘trust’
and ‘recognition’. This is why parenting becomes a constant battle everyday.
They find that they have to force and make their kids do things they don’t
want to do, because it is for their own good.
At the same time, when their children do not feel accepted/ recognized at
home and are not given the space to be independent, they will have a greater
tendency to be influenced by undesirable company or gangs, who fill their
need for acceptance, recognition and freedom.
Highly effective parents know that understanding and utilizing their

children’s emotional wants and needs (for freedom, recognition,
acceptance…) is the best way to get them to learn and do the right things.
Instead of forcing their kids to do things against their will, they believe in
getting their children to cooperate willingly. In this book, you are going to
learn how to use your child’s desire for freedom and independence to get
them to willingly cooperate with you and to happily study hard -- for
themselves.
In that very same survey, teens and children reported that what they really
wished for themselves was:
1. To become a successful person

2. To have better grades
3. To be well-liked and popular
4. To get along well with parents
Now, isn’t this what we want for our children as well? So, if parents and
their children actually want the same outcomes, where does the problem lie?
The challenge is that although all kids want to succeed and get better grades,
deep down inside, many do not know how to (do well) or lack the belief that
they can. As a result, they give up or end up allowing their negative
emotions (e.g. fear and laziness) to distract and negatively influence them.
Nagging, criticizing, complaining, threatening and punishing will certainly

not empower them to overcome their problems and strive for their goals. If
anything, it may further reinforce the negative beliefs and lousy feelings
they have about themselves, and about us.
Our role as parents is to understand their problems and give them the
encouragement and strategies to overcome them. Only then will they have
the drive and motivation to strive towards success.
Understand Their Real Problems – before trying to solve them

Before we can encourage and help our children deal with the problems that
stop them from working towards better grades and a better life, we must
truly understand what their real problems are. In the space below, I would
like you to list down what you think are your child’s problems.
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Did you write down some of the following?
 Lazy – always procrastinates

 Lacks discipline
 Disrespectful
 No interest in learning
 Always making excuses
 Attitude problem
Solving the ‘Root Cause’ Versus the ‘Symptoms’
Interestingly enough, these are some of the more common problems that
parents today THINK their teens face. If you try to solve these problems,
you might be running around in circles because what you are trying to solve
are only the ‘Symptoms’. To rectify something, you have to trace it to the
‘Root Cause’ of the problems. For example when you find that your child
appears to be ‘lazy’ towards his studies, there could be many causes behind
it. Here are some possible reasons:
Cause 1: He studied hard and still failed. Therefore he concludes that

studying is pointless since studying would still leads to failure. (In this
case, the real problem is a limiting self-belief).
Cause 2: He is constantly getting picked on by his teachers in school and

his rebellious instinct tells him to defy the school system so he chooses not
to study. (In this case, it is the bad relationship he has with his teachers).
Cause 3: He is living in a family where the parents will only pay attention
when he does something wrong. If everything is going on fine, he rarely
gets to see his parents, let alone talk to them. (In this case, it is his unmet
emotional need for attention.)
Cause 4: He is suffering from a relationship break up that his parents are

unaware of. He feels a sense of loss and decides to give up everything in
his life for a while. (In this case, it is a negative emotional state that has
been caused by another person).
The possible causes can go on and on because every child is unique and their
backgrounds are so diverse. You realize that the moment you start tracing
the cause of a certain behavior, you can begin to see a wider spectrum of
solutions sprouting out. Think about it: if you had just come to the
conclusion that your teen was merely being lazy and reprimanded him for it,
you would never be able to solve the inherent problem. Using ‘Cause A’ as
an example, you would be able to get your teen out of his ‘lazy state’ by
reinforcing what he has been doing well and breaking his limiting beliefs.
In the chapters you come, you will learn ways of how to get your child to
openly share his/her problems and feelings with you (most kids find it
difficult to open up to their parents) as well as strategies of helping them
find solutions.
Why I Wrote This Book
For the last fifteen years, I have been running learning and personal
development camps for children and teens to empower them to succeed in
school and in life. I have had the opportunity to see thousands of students
who come with vastly different attitudes and behaviours.
Some children are positive, confident and highly motivated to learn and
succeed. Some kids, on the other hand can be totally indifferent, fearful,
negative, rebellious and with no interest in their own future. I have always
wondered about what makes the greatest difference in a child’s attitudes and
behaviours. Are they just born with that personality? Is it the friends that
they hang out with? Is it the school they go to? Is it the kind of teachers they
have in school? Is it the food they eat? Is it their socio-economic background
that plays the major part?
While all these above mentioned factors definitely affect a child to some
extent, I have found that the biggest factor that shapes the attitudes,
behaviours and hence future of a child is the way his parents communicate
with him!
I have found that when a child comes from a family where his parents have a
positive mindset themselves and spend quality time communicating to him
in a nurturing way, he will turn out to be confident, motivated and
successful. This is despite the fact that the child may come from a poor
family, a non-elite school or a rough neighborhood.
I have also found that the kids who make the greatest change after my
programs and were able to consistently succeed in their life were the ones
whose parents made a significant effort in changing WITH them.
Parents Make the Greatest Difference!
The great news is that when you learn how to connect and communicate
with your child or teen the right way, they can become extremely loving,
appreciative and motivated individuals, no matter how indifferent they may
be today.
I have seen miracles happen when parents and their children both make the
effort to change their mindset and strategies for a more successful life. I
would like to share with you one of the most fulfilling success stories I have
experienced in my programs.
Below is an email that was sent to me by one of the graduates from my ‘I

Am Gifted, So Are You! Program. As you can read, Yu Yuan was initially a
rebellious and unmotivated teen who got into trouble with the law. However,
once his mum and he learnt the strategies of how to communicate in a
nurturing way, their relationship began to blossom. Yu Yuan has also
transformed into a motivated, responsible and successful student who even
came back to become an assistant coach in one of my programs.
You Have the Magic to Create Change
Parents and teachers alike are often amazed at the way I am able to inspire
even the most indifferent student within a short period of time. I often tell
them that the magic lies in being able to understand, empathize and ‘speak’
their (the children/ teen) language. It is about knowing how to push the right
emotional hot buttons in them. I believe that all children are intrinsically
motivated individuals who want to succeed. It is about knowing how to help
them discover it within themselves.
The reason why most parents find it challenging to get their children to listen
or be inspired is because it is the natural instinct of parents to push the
wrong buttons. So, instead of being motivated, the kids sometimes feel even
more rebellious.
For example, if your son came up to you one day and said, ‘ I think studying
is really boring and it is a waste of my time.’ How would you respond? I
know most parents would quickly jump in and say things like, ‘are you
crazy?’, ‘You have to study whether you like it or not!’ or ‘you HAVE TO
study for your future.’ In the later chapters, you are going to learn that
responding this way will NOT achieve your outcome of making your son
more inspired and motivated. In fact, he will probably feel that his feelings
are being disregarded and that you don’t care and understand him at all! It
will probably drive him to hate studying even more! So how can you
respond in a more effective way that will achieve your outcome?
In this book, I am going to share with you strategies that I have been using to
help both young children and teenagers unleash the winner and genius
within them. The techniques you are about to learn are the result of years of
work that I have done with thousands of parents in Singapore and around the
region. I am sure that applying what you will learn will do wonders for your
relationship with your kids. Let’s begin by learning how to unlock your
child’s learning genius…
Chapter 2:
Paradigms of Highly Effective Parents
Over the many years that I have conducted training program for students, I
have observed a wide variety of attitudes and behaviors spontaneously
displayed. I used to wonder why some students are so well-behaved, so
confident and enthusiastic to learn, while other students were so indifferent,
unmotivated and even ill mannered?
While I cannot deny that there are many factors -- like school environment,
personality and peer pressure – all of which play a part in shaping their
attitudes and behaviors, I have also noted that the paradigms of their parents
make the greatest impact on the person they ultimately become.
Paradigms are a set of beliefs, values and attitudes that we all hold,
consciously and unconsciously. And it is these paradigms that we hold that
shape the way we see and interact with our kids. Some parents have the ‘Do
It because I said so’ paradigm while others have a ‘Give and Take’ paradigm
where they allow their kids to negotiate with them.
After some time, I began to notice that kids with a winning attitude had
parents who communicated with them in a certain way. At the same time, it
became obvious that kids who were rebellious and showed a lot of ‘attitude’
problems had parents who displayed certain patterns of attitudes and
communication themselves.
This means that having ‘good kids’ doesn’t come about just by chance. The
good news is that by modeling and applying the winning strategies of
successful parents, we too can make a big positive impact on the way our
children behave. And, no matter how bad their behavior is currently,
changing the way we deal with them can begin to make a difference.
Therefore, if we want our kids to have positive attitudes and behavior, we

need to first adopt the paradigms of highly effective parents. So what are
these paradigms? Over the years I have discovered that great parents share
eight major paradigms.
Paradigm #1:
Our Children Have a Different Model of The World
The first paradigm is to understand and acknowledge that our children have
a very different model of the world than we do and they speak a totally
different ‘language’. The way they see the world and the way we see the
world is completely different. In your world, you think you are giving
advice, but in their world you are just nagging. In your world, you are
showing concern, but in their world, you just want to control their lives.
Let me give you a simple example to show you how different people
perceive the world. I want you to close your eyes and think of a chair. What
chair did you think of? Whenever I ask this question in a seminar, I get all
kinds of answers. Some see a metal chair while others may see a wooden
chair, a rocking chair, a stool or even a massage chair.
So think about it. If even a simple word like ‘chair’ creates such different
mental representations, what of more abstract concepts like ‘love,’
‘responsibility’ or ‘success.’ This is why, as a parent, you may think you are
showing a lot of love to your children but, to them, they don’t feel any love
at all. This is because their minds have a different model of love.
Here is a typical conversation between a mother and her teenage son who
had gone out without her permission. Both have got good intentions, but
their different viewpoints and perceptions cause their relationship to suffer.
Mum: So, you finally decided to come home! I told you specifically on the
phone not to go out and you still went out with your friends. I did not give
you any permission to do so. I am already so stressed and frustrated by my
work in the office. The last thing I need is for you to add to my stress.
Son: (Silence)
Mum: What? You have nothing to say to me after you have done wrong?I
wonder what kind of stupid friends you mix around with. You never used to
be like this. You used to be really obedient and you would put your family
above anything else. Nowadays you would rather hang around with the
bunch of losers you call your friends. Are your friends more important than
your family?
Son: Mum, please do not call my friends losers or stupid ok?
Mum: Why can’t I call them losers? If it was not for them, then why would
my son turn out like that? When you were in primary school, you used to
study really hard and scoring straight ‘As’ was the norm for you. Nowadays
you are so lazy. I have been nagging at you to study more and go out less but
you refuse to listen. What must I do to make you understand?
Son: Mum, you don’t understand what I am going through.
Mum: Then talk to me. Make me understand.
Son: It’s nothing. I do not want to talk about it. I’m tired. I want to go to
bed.
Mum: You are not going anywhere until we settle this tonight.
Son: Mum! What’s the point of talking? Every time we talk about it, we
always come back to square one. It is always the same outcome.
Mum: What do you mean by the same outcome? All I want you to do is to
talk to me more often so that I can understand you better.
Son: I have been talking to you for so many years, trying to make you see
things my way but you keep imposing your ideas on me. At the end of the
day, it is not an opportunity for you to understand me but a way to pass
down orders for me to follow.
Mum: Since when did I impose my ideas on you? Like for example, I
thought we had an agreement that you had to ask me for permission before
you can go out? Today, you simply went out just like that. You are being
very irresponsible.
Son: You want to talk about what happened today? Fine! Every time I ask
you for permission to go out, 9 times out of 10 you would say “No”. What is
the point of asking if I know you are not going to let me go out anyway? At
least I informed you today that I was going out rather than go out just like
that.
Mum: I am just being concerned for you by not allowing you to go out. Your
exams are around the corner. Shouldn’t you be focusing on your studies
more than your stupid computer games? If you can spend as much time on
your studies as you do on your games, you would be doing a lot better than
what you are showing right now. You think your mother likes to nag? If you
could be self motivated and disciplined enough to study on your own, then I
will leave you alone. Until you show me better results, I feel that I cannot
leave you alone.
Son: I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m tired (begins to walk to his room).
Mum: You come back here. You are not going anywhere until we settle this.
(Son closes door behind him. Mum heads to son’s room) Just because you
close the door behind you does not mean that this conversation is over. You
open the door this minute, you hear me! (Mum bangs on the door
repeatedly).
Son: (Finally opens the door) Can you stop banging the door and treating me
like a little kid? I am already 16 years-old and I know what to do with my
life. You keep nagging at me and telling me what to do.
Mum: Know what to do? If you knew what to do you would not have gone
out without my permission and you would be spending time studying for
your examinations. If you could get better grades, I would not need to nag at
you.
Son: I cannot take this anymore. I am going out. (Son walks towards the
main door with key in hand).
Mum: You are not going anywhere. You come back here! (Son heads out of
the house and door slams behind him)
Does the above situation sound familiar to you? I guess you know how the
ending goes. The mother had the positive intention to get her son to be
motivated to study. Yet for all her concern and good intentions, she feels
frustrated that her son does not listen to her and she also feels that perhaps
she is a lousy mum because she cannot motivate him to focus on his studies.
Her son leaves the house disgruntled that his mother cannot understand
where he is coming from. He feels that she cannot leave him alone for a
minute and that her only mission in life is to nag at him. So, who is in the
wrong, the son or the mother? From a parent’s view point, it would be easy
for us to point a finger at the son for not asking for permission and being
rude to his mother. Even if that was so, it does not solve the underlying
problem.
Our different perceptions and models of the world stem from the fact that
parents and their children have very different mental filters, and it is these
mental filters that create each one’s inner reality. These mental filters are
made up of our values, beliefs and attitudes.
The trouble with most parents is that they think their kids perceive the world
in the same way. If you talk to your kids from YOUR perspective (thinking
they have the same perspective), then you will find it very hard get through
to them. “I really don’t understand what is going on in their head.” “How
could they do that?” “What were they thinking?” It’s like a chicken talking
to a duck. You both speak very different languages. No matter how much
and how long you cluck, the duck is not going to hear you. You have to first
learn how the duck thinks and speak in duck language.
In the later chapters you are going to learn how your child perceives the
world and how to communicate to them in their language. So the first
principle is to understand that our kids have a different perception of reality.
So knowing this, how can we get through to them? How can we talk in a
way that they will really listen? This is why paradigm two says…
Paradigm #2:
Build Rapport By Respecting Their Model of the World
I have often heard parents say words like “I just cannot get through their
thick skull. Why won’t they listen to me?”
Highly effective parents are able to get their children to listen and cooperate
with them because they have a strong level of rapport with them. Only when
your kids feel that they can TRUST you and that you UNDERSTAND them,
will they be more willing to listen and cooperate.
The challenge that many parents face is that they have a poor level of
rapport with their own kids. These kids feel that their parents don’t
understand how they feel nor do their parents understand the problems they
(teenagers) experience. At the same time, they do not have the confidence
that they can share their innermost thoughts and feelings with their parents --
without being criticized, judged and reprimanded.
This is why troubled teens tend to clam up and give ‘one-word’ responses
when their parents ask them questions. At the same time, they may become
indifferent to our ideas and attempts to advice. Or worse, they become
openly defiant and challenge our opinions and values.
The danger is when teens find it hard to communicate with their parents and
turn to another ‘party’ who they feel will really listen to them and so they
confide in….their friends. This is why teens easily fall prey to the negative
influences of ‘bad’ company and would rather listen to the so-called ‘loafers
or losers’ than their own parents.
If we want our children to open up to us, and listen to us willingly, then we

must first build rapport with them. When they feel that they can trust us and
that we truly understand them, we can influence them to do anything! They
will be much more open and willing to listen to our ideas and advice.
The secret to building rapport with our children (this can be applied to
anyone) is to ‘Respect their Model of The World’. We need to first
understand and acknowledge their views and feelings.
Imagine if your child were to say the following statements to you. How
would you typically respond?
“Studying is a waste of time!”

“I hate the stupid teacher!”
Here are some typical responses of parents…
Child says: Studying is a waste of time

Parent says: Are you crazy? Studying is NOT a waste of time! You have to
study for your future.
Child says: I hate the stupid teacher. She gives too much homework
Parent says: How can you say that? You are being stupid! The teacher is
giving you more homework for your own good.
How do you think the child will feel after such a response? Will he be
happy? Will he feel he has been heard? Will he be open and willing to listen
to his parent’s views and advice?
These are common responses where parents jump in to correct the child
immediately and impose their opinions and give ‘good advice’. The problem
with this approach is that by NOT respecting his model of the world and
disregarding his feelings and views, the child will NOT be open to listening.
He will feel nagged at, and that your opinions are being forced on him. Do
you think the child will want to express his thoughts and feelings to his
parents in the future? Probably not. Rapport has just been broken!
Respect their Model of the World Before Changing It
Before we can successfully influence a person to change their views and

accept new suggestions, we must first RESPECT and match their model of
the world.
We can do this by using statements like:

 I agree that….
 I understand that…
 I appreciate that…
Here is an example of how a parent can respond by first respecting his

child’s views and feelings:

Parent says: Yes! I agree that studying may seem a waste of time.
Parent says: I understand that you really hate your teacher for giving too
much homework. You must feel really upset!
After you have paced the child’s feelings and opinions (so that they feel that
you understand them), you can then change their attitudes by offering a
different point of view. Here is how it can be done:

Parent says: Yes! I agree that studying may seem a waste of time IF you
don’t know what you are studying for. If you don’t mind being a bum and
have everyone walk all over you, then there is really no point studying.
At the same time, if you want to have a rich and successful life and get
respect from lots of people, then studying for good grades will open doors
for you.
Parent says: I understand that you really hate your teacher for giving too
much homework. You must feel really upset! At the same time, when the
exam comes, you may find that you will be able to answer all the questions
unlike the students in classes where the teacher didn’t give so much
homework. This ‘stupid’ teacher may actually be doing you a favour!
The technique of artfully changing a person’s attitudes and perceptions

(without forcing it on them) is known as REFRAMING. You will learn how
to use this powerful strategy in the later chapters.
At first, some parents find this paradigm very hard to swallow. Why should I
respect their model of the world? I’m the parent! They should see things my
way. Well no doubt you can force them to sit down and listen to you – when
they are young enough. But the fact is that if you don’t first respect their
world, your words will never get through to them and they will never be
self-motivated to do as you say!
It is just like smoothing a block of wood. Your child is a piece of wood that
has an opportunity to be made into a masterpiece. You are a skilled
craftsman who has the tools and resources to make something plain become
extraordinary. WE can choose to go against the grain, which makes things
difficult and increases the chance that the wood might break or go along the
grain so that each step only serves to smoothen the wood instead of creating
more obstacles.
The older the wood, the more complicated the grain becomes. As a skilled
craftsman, you can either use brute force to get your way around the grain or
maneuver your equipment in such a way that you can go along the different
directions of the grain to achieve your desired outcome. The same thing goes
for communication. You can choose to force your ideas and perspectives on
your teen or work around it so that both you and your child will be happy
with the outcome
Paradigm 3: For Things To Change, I Must Change First
When I run preview workshops for my ‘Superkids’ and ‘I Am Gifted, So

Are You!’ programs, I sometimes meet parents who seem to be at their wits
end as to how to handle their children. They feel frustrated because they are
powerless to get their kids to study hard and be obedient. They feel that there
is nothing they can do and they are sending their kids to my program, hoping
to find that miracle cure.
“Adam, change my son! Adam, you must fix his attitude!” is what I usually
hear.
The sad thing is that if these parents hold onto this paradigm that ONLY
their kid must change, then, even after the child makes a major attitude
change during and immediately following my program, there is every chance
that they will revert back to their old behaviors and attitudes. The reason is
that although the kids changed their attitudes, the parents did not change
theirs. The parents continue to communicate and treat them in the same
negative way, unknowingly reconditioning their kids to be rebellious or to
revert to the low sense of self-esteem and motivation they had.
I discovered that ineffective parents have the ‘Victim’s Paradigm’. They

believe that things are beyond their control and that they are powerless to
change their kids. When asked why their relationship is bad or why their
kids are not doing well, they will point to all the faults in their child or find
something else to blame. “He is just so lazy”, “He is just defiant,” “She does
not want to talk,” “She is a slow learner,” “His friends are a bad influence,”
“She just won’t listen,” “She is so stubborn” or “His grandmother has spoilt
him” etc….
While pointing the finger at our children and blaming the circumstances can
indeed help us vent our frustrations, it does nothing to help us change the
situation or improve the relationship. By blaming someone else for what is
happening, we strip ourselves of the power to make changes. Ineffective
parents have the belief that, “For things to change, my kids must change
first! If I can’t change them, I will get someone else who can!”
Highly Effective parents operate from a very different paradigm. They

believe that they have a great influence over the way their children think and
act. If their kids have a negative attitude or behavior, they take responsibility
for it. They believe that while other circumstances do play a part, they have
the biggest part to play. They believe that ‘For things to change, they must
first change their own attitudes and parenting approach.’ By doing so, these
parents feel that they are in charge of the results. They have the power to
change the situation.
Let me give an example. Imagine there is a teenager who does not want to
go home after school. Instead, he hangs out with his friends all day long and
even into the night. When his parents tell him to study, he will get irritated.
When they ask him to clean his room, he will do so very reluctantly.
However, when his friends ask him to do them a favor, he will gladly oblige.
Let’s see how two different parents will deal with this situation.
1) The Parent With the ‘Victim’ Paradigm
This parent would focus on all his teen’s faults; blame the teen and his
friends and complain to anyone who is willing to listen. “There is something
wrong with him.” “He has got an attitude problem.” “He is just so lazy.”
“He only listens to those stupid friends of his.”
This parent definitely has the right to feel angry and disappointed. There is
no doubt that the teen is definitely acting in a selfish, uncaring and
ungrateful manner. And, of course by venting his anger and frustration, the
parent probably feels better. The trouble is that if the parent continues to just
focus on why the son is wrong and complains about all the things beyond his
control (i.e. his friends and his laziness), then this parent would always feel
he is a victim and POWERLESS to change his son. If the parent were to
scold or nag at his son and order him to stop mixing around his friends, it
will probably make matters worse.
2) The Parent With the ‘Take Charge’ Paradigm
The parent with the ‘Take Charge’ paradigm is also angry and disappointed
but recognizes that finding fault and blaming his teen won’t help him
achieve his objective (i.e. to get his son to be obedient and to spend time
with the family).
This parent asks himself the following questions: “How can I take
responsibility for his attitude and behavior?” “What actions have I taken that
makes him unwilling to come home and listen?” “How can I change my
approach so he will enjoy staying at home and be willing to listen?”
The ‘take charge’ parent admits that he has the tendency to criticize his son
all the time. He also admits that he has not made any effort to listen to his
son nor has he taken a genuine interest in what he does. He also realizes he
has not been giving his son any encouragement in whatever good things he
does. This parent, on reviewing the situation, realizes that, ‘Whenever I get
home, I will start saying things like’, “Why aren’t you doing your
homework? Why are you back so late? Why do you always leave your
things lying around?”
It is no wonder that his son does not enjoy being at home. He would rather
be with his friends who probably make him feel more accepted, more
important and more respected. ‘The lack of rapport I have with him is also
probably why he does not like listen to me,’ this parent concludes.
The ‘take charge’ parent then decides to change his attitude towards his teen
and communicate differently. He decides to honestly listen to his teen and
respect his model of the world. He starts to focus on his achievements and
strengths and gives a lot more encouragement. Sure enough, after awhile, the
teen begins to feel a lot more loved, nurtured and accepted by his parents.
He feels good spending time with them and is much more willing to
cooperate when he is asked to. When he is given feedback about his negative
behavior, he is more open to listening and to respect his parents’ opinions --
because they respected his first. As a result of his higher level of self-esteem,
he is also less likely to be negatively influenced by his friends.
As you can see, by taking the proactive step of changing our own attitude
and communication strategies for the better, we can make a much more
positive impact on our own children’s behavior.
Here are a few more examples of how to turn blame and fault finding into
responsibility and positive actions.
Victim Paradigm Take Charge Paradigm

Instead of saying that your son is just Think of how you can inspire him/her
lazy by finding out his interests and
ambitions
Instead of believing that your child is Teach your child ‘Brain Optimal
just a slow learner Learning’ Strategies that make learning
fun and effective
Instead of believing that your daughter Build a strong rapport with her so that
is defiant she will be more open to your
suggestions
Instead of blaming your son for being Build in your son a strong level of self-
easily influenced by bad company esteem so that he will learn to think for
himself and dare to say ‘No’.
Whenever I share this powerful concept in my parenting seminars, some

would respond by asking, “Are we supposed to take all the responsibility?
Shouldn’t my child take responsibility too?” Of course! In fact, in my
workshop for students, I train them to take ownership of their results. I tell
them that for their grades to change, they must change first. For their
relationships with their parents to change, they must change their attitudes
and behaviors towards their parents.
You see, I believe that when both parties adopt the ‘take charge’ paradigm, a
win-win outcome will be speedily achieved. Ultimately, the person who
takes charge has the power to make the changes happen first!
Paradigm 4: I Am The Primary Role Model for My Children
One of the things I have discovered is that children and teens learn their
attitudes and behaviors through observing and modeling the people around
them. Our kids always learn a lot more from what they see us do than what
we say to them.
During one of my ‘Patterns of Excellence’ workshops (for working

professionals), a mother complained that her son kept spending all his
money on games and he also demanded that she buy the latest gadgets for
him (e.g. the Apple iphone).
“He does not seem to understand the value of money,” she said. When I
asked her to reflect on her own spending habits, she realized that when he
was young she kept buying him new toys and she herself had the habit of
constantly shopping for new clothes and gadgets. She taught him his lack of
value for money through her actions.
On this same theme, I must mention the occasion when I was counseling a
Father and his son. The dad was criticizing his son for being rude and having
no manners. “He never knows how to say please or thank you. Is it so
difficult?” The ironic thing was that when the session was over, the father
just got up and left without even saying a word of thanks to me!
I am sure you have also heard that many children learn about how to treat
their parents by observing how their parents treat their own parents. The
same goes with how they treat their maids and other service staff – by
watching how their parents treat them. This is why effective parents realize
that they are the primary role model for their own children. If they want their
kids to be courteous and considerate; positive, determined and success-
orientated, then they must first exude these qualities.
Give your teen an opportunity to learn by watching you in action. For

example, if you want to show your children how to manage their emotions,
one way would be to demonstrate it, especially when you are placed in a
situation where you are likely to lose control and your teen watches you
handle yourself and the situation around you effectively. That way, when
your teen is placed in a similar scenario, he/she can have a reference point of
learning.
Paradigm 5: There is No Failure. Only Feedback
“What if these methods do not work? What if they are all a waste of time?
What’s the point? I have tried everything!” Many parents I meet are so
frustrated and disillusioned by past failed attempts that they are reluctant to
try anything new. Because of their fear of failing again, and of being
disappointed, they remain skeptical and many will not take much action.
Successful people know that ‘failing’ is an important part of the learning

process and the stepping-stone to success. When they use an approach and it
does not work, they will not give up or give excuses. They will take it as
feedback that their strategy is not working. They will then change their
strategy and approach, until they succeed in getting through to their children.
So, if you have been nagging at your child for the last five years and it has
not been working, STOP NAGGING! Doing the same thing over and over
again and getting the same results is known as ‘insanity.’ At the same time,
don’t give in to the belief that you are an ineffective parent or that you have
a bad son (don’t blame yourself or your child).
Instead, take it as feedback that the strategy of nagging does not achieve the
response that you want. In this book you are going to learn many new tools
and strategies that have proven to be effective. I bet that as long as you are
willing to keep changing your approach, you will find a strategy that works
for you.
Paradigm 6: The Greater Your Flexibility, the More Successful

You Will Be
What stops most parents from being great change agents is a lack of
flexibility. Most parents only know one or two methods of communicating.
They are, ‘talking nicely’ or ‘threatening.’ The old carrot or the stick
approach If either of these two methods don’t work, they don’t know what
else to do.
Some parents are so inflexible in their approach that they stick to only one
style of parenting. For example, some parents are always nice and
accommodating to their children, afraid that if they were firm and strict, they
would lose rapport with them. These parents are often bullied by their
children. There is a common old saying that kids of overindulgent parents
will ‘climb all over their head’ and be in control of their parents!
At the same time, there are parents who are always very tough and strict.
They believe that if they were to be too nice, they would lose their children’s
respect and their kids would be out of control. The result? Their children
will fear opening up to them and will often hide things from them. When
these kids grow up, they may become extremely rebellious. Or they could
grow up to become very timid with no initiative and no self confidence.
So, which is the correct parenting style? To be nice or nasty? To be fun or

firm? Successful parenting is about being highly flexible and knowing how
to change your style and approach, depending on the child and the situation.
I have found that highly effective parents and teachers can be loving, caring
and fun when dealing with their children. At the same time, they can get
very firm and strict when their kids cross the boundaries and they need to
put their foot down.
The secret is not to be too predictable in your style. The moment you are
inflexible and predictable, your children will be the ones in control and not
you. I have found that the main reason why many children (especially
younger ones), are able to manipulate their parents so well is because they
are much more flexible than their parents. They are able to constantly
change their strategy until they get what they want.
As a parent, you need to come up with multiple strategies to handle your

child too. I remembered one incident where a mother fell prey to her child’s
multiple strategies. She had brought her young child to the toy store and you
know how children are like when they are at the toy store. They look at each
toy with a glint in their eye and you realize how big eyes become when they
find the toy they want most?
The child picks up the toy and turns to the mother with puppy-looking eyes
and says, “Mummy, can I have this toy please?”
Mother: “No. You have got too many toys already. You have not even
played with some of them yet. You keep asking me to buy and buy. Your
mummy does not print money you know”.
Child: “Mummy, this toy is different. My other toys are for fun but this toy
helps me learn. You want to help me to learn, right mummy?” (Cute little
smile on her face).
Mother: “I cannot buy for you. Even if I wanted to buy, I cannot because
your daddy does not like it when I buy you toys. If he knows I buy you this
one, he will scold me.”
Child: “If you don’t tell, then no one will know.”
Mother: “No means no. We are not going to argue anymore. We are
leaving.” (Mother begins to move away).
Child: (takes toy and follows the mother) “Mummy please, mummy please,
mummy please. Mummy please, mummy please, mummy please. Mummy
please, mummy please, mummy please. Mummy please, mummy please,
mummy please. Mummy please, mummy please, mummy please.”
Mother gets irritated and tries to ignore her pleading child. She heads
towards the exit.
Child: (Sits on the floor near the exit sign and throws a tantrum) “Mummy, I
want the toy NOWWWWWWWW! I hate you because you don’t love me.
If you love me, you would buy the toy. I HATE
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!! (Child wails for the next 10 minutes.)
Mother: (Walks towards the child in embarrassment as so many people are

now staring.) Ok! Ok! You win! Keep quiet! Mummy will buy you the toy.
(Grabs the toy from the child and proceeds to pay).
Child: (Stops crying suddenly) “Really? Really?”
Mother: (Hands the toy to the child and says), “Are you happy now?”
Child: (Turns to the mother and holds her hand with wide eyes and smiles)
“Mummy, thank you, I love you.”
You realize from this mini battle who the winner was. It was a struggle for
power and it was clear that the child had more strategies than the parent
could handle. If we were to analyze what the child did in an adult context,
this was what she did.
1. Polite customer service personnel approach, making request with the

word “please.”
2. She becomes a salesperson by selling the benefits of the toy over the
other toys she has.
3. She starts to negotiate by saying “If you don’t say, no one will know”
4. She becomes a persistent telemarketer/salesperson by following the
mother relentlessly with the word “please.”
5. She pulls the ultimate strategy by threatening the ‘client’ aka
‘mummy’ with public embarrassment.
6. Even when she gets the toy, she knows how to do after-sales by sweet
talking mummy so that she can get “repeat SALES.”
The lady who related this story attended our ‘Patterns of Excellence’
program and started to apply the paradigm of being more flexible than her
daughter.
She decided to do something totally crazy and unpredictable if it were to

happen again. The next time the daughter asked for a toy, the mother started
to wail and throw a huge tantrum before the daughter could throw her
tantrum. “Why must you always you want the toy? Why?! Why?! Why?!
Why?!” mother screamed at the top of her lungs like a mad woman. Her
daughter was so shocked and so scared that she put the toy back on the shelf
and said, “Err…never mind.”
This was a classic case of the power of flexibility and unpredictability at

work. You can take back the control by learning how to be more flexible.
There is a solution to every problem and we just have to find the “RIGHT”
strategy to tackle it.
Paradigm 8: There is Nothing Wrong With My Children. Only

Something Wrong With Their Behaviors.
Ineffective parents have a tendency to link their children’s identity to their
behaviors. So, if the child does not study hard enough, his parents label him
as being a ‘lazy person’. If the child misplaces his things a few times, his
parents will call him ‘forgetful.’ Thereafter, some parents would keep
reinforcing this identity in their child by saying, “Why are you so lazy?”
“You are Miss forgetful!” If the child misbehaves, his parents may even use
the phrase, “What is wrong with you? You are so naughty.”
The danger of generalizing your child’s behavior into his identity is that you
create a belief in the child that he is lazy, he is forgetful and there is
something wrong with him. The more we do so, the more the child will
behave according to his given label. It is like programming a computer to act
a certain way.
These parents hold onto the paradigm that there is something wrong with
their children and their kids ‘need to be fixed.’ By adopting this attitude and
treating them as though they are inherently lazy, naughty or forgetful, the
kid will soon develop a low level of self-esteem.
Effective parents separate their children’s behaviors from their identity.

They believe that their children are good and motivated individuals with
positive intentions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them as a person.
When they behave badly, it is simply because they are adopting an

ineffective strategy to get what they want. Effective parents believe that
there is always a positive intention behind every behavior (no matter how
bad it may seem). To help the child, we must accept them as a person, and
empower them to change their behaviors.
Let me give you one example. I once counseled a mother who was at her
wits end as to how to help her son who kept getting into trouble in school for
fighting with his schoolmates. The more he got into trouble, the more times
she would spend reprimanding him. The mum kept describing her son as
being very naughty and a troublemaker. As long as she held onto her point
of view, he never changed his ways.
After a few hours of building rapport with the boy and understanding his
thoughts and feelings, I found that he was a very intelligent young person
who just wanted to get attention and wanted to feel important (his positive
intention). Unfortunately he was going about it the wrong way. He felt that
getting into trouble made him a ‘somebody.’
So I started to tell him that he was “very intelligent and had lots of
leadership potential.” I then gave him an opportunity to get attention and to
be respected in a positive way. I got this ‘problem’ teenager to volunteer to
be a counselor in my outdoor leadership camp for kids. What happened to
his behavior in the next five months was absolutely amazing. His mum could
not believe it. From a delinquent, he became an enthusiastic, responsible
leader who was able to motivate his young charges to excel in outdoor
activities.
With these eight powerful paradigms, let’s begin to learn the strategies that
effective parents use to unleash the winner in their child…
Chapter 3:
How to Empower Your Child to Succeed
As parents, one of our strongest desires is for our children to succeed in
whatever they do. We want them to score good grades and build a strong
foundation on which their life’s dreams can be built upon.
However, while some kids have the motivation to excel and seem constantly
successful in whatever they do, some of our children seem to produce very
average or below average results. What pains us is knowing that they can do
so much better, if only they would put in the effort! We know deep inside
that our children have so much potential but are just not developing it.
Instead, many underachieving teens adopt a ‘cannot be bothered’ attitude or
a defeatist attitude like, ‘I can’t do it. It’s too difficult’.
So what do most parents do? Well, they would ‘try’ to motivate their
children by nagging, scolding, giving advice and even making pointless
comparisons. “Why don’t you study harder?” “Stop lazing around.” “Your
brother is always doing well, why can’t you learn from him?” “Why can’t
you be more hardworking?’
While some kids completely ignore their parents’ nagging, others may be
jolted into putting in a bit more effort. But, whichever the case, is always the
same…the desire to excel does not last. This is because it is Mum who is
trying to motivate her children and not the student having the self-motivation
to push himself. It is like trying to whip a dead horse into moving.
Empowering Our Kids With The Blueprint of Success
Highly effective parents do not believe in trying to tell their children to

excel. Instead, they believe in empowering their children with the right
mindset and strategies so that they will motivate themselves to be successful.
But can we really teach our children how to succeed? Can we install in them
a positive mindset and instill in them a strong desire and equip them with the
strategies to achieve excellence in whatever they do? The answer is a
resounding ‘Yes’!
Through the hundreds of training programs I have conducted for thousands

of children and teens in the past fifteen years , I have had so many students
come to me with absolutely no desire to be successful. They were contented
with just being average and getting a pass grade. They had no fire in their
belly and no focus in their eyes.
However, within just four to five days of training, these very same kids
developed a burning desire to achieve great results and become the best they
can be? Here are just some of the hundreds of emails that I have received
that I would like to share with you.
Five Straight As and a Top Law Paper

From 26th to 16th Position in Class!
Ten Distinctions for National Exams
From B’s and Cs to Seven Distinctions

Everybody Wants to Be Successful…If They Can!
Many people ask me how it is possible for an underachiever to suddenly

develop the desire and passion for success. The answer is that everyone, all
our children, have an inner desire to shine, to be acknowledged and yes,
respected, even at a tender age. Everyone wants to be admired, be successful
and be important.
However, when they do not know how to become successful or they believe
they cannot become successful because of past failures, they give up
completely and put up a front that says: “I do not want to succeed.” “I am
happy being average.” Why? Because it is easier to admit that they do not
want to succeed than feel the pain, the disappointment of wanting to succeed
and not being able to!
However, once we can teach our children that they CAN succeed and show
them HOW they can do it, the intrinsic motivation for excellence will be
unleashed.
The Ultimate Success Formula
I truly believe that all children have the potential to succeed in school and in
life….whatever their chosen path. For those who are not successful, it is not
because they cannot succeed. Rather, it is because they do not know HOW
to succeed. They lack the winner’s mindset, the passion and the strategies.
The good news is that we can teach our children how to succeed. Over the
years of training teens and kids, I have found that those who were high
achievers all had certain common traits. They did not have superior IQs and
neither were they born to rocket scientist parents. Instead, they thought
differently and did things differently. I found that by modeling their mindset
and strategies, any student can learn how to achieve the same exceptional
results in life. This set of strategies is what I call the ‘Ultimate Success
Formula.’
The Ultimate Success Formula consists of six major steps. In the next part of
this chapter, I am going share with you the six qualities that all successful
teens possess and how we can teach and ‘install this formula’ into our
children. The six qualities of the Ultimate Success Formula are:
1) Empowering Beliefs, 2) Personal Vision, 3) A Winning Strategy, 4)
Managing Emotions and Taking Action, 5) Ability to Manage Failure and 6)
High Self-Esteem.
Quality 1: Empowering Beliefs
The first thing that high achieving kids have in common is a very strong
sense of belief in oneself or, put simply, ‘Self-Belief’. They believe that they
can and deserve to achieve great results in life. This self-belief is what drives
them to set high standards for themselves. And when faced with setbacks or
failures, their faith in their own abilities prevent them from giving up. Their
self-belief pushes them to pick themselves up and to strive until they
succeed.
On the other hand, underachievers share a lack of self-belief or have

disempowering beliefs that stop them from giving their best. Many of them
believe that they are not good enough or that they don’t have what it takes to
succeed. Even before attempting a challenge, they tell themselves that it is
impossible.
All of our children have very different sets of beliefs. Whenever I ask
students in my seminars, “How many of you believe that learning is fun?”
and “How many of you think learning is boring?” inevitably, different hands
go up when the two questions are asked.
In the same vein, some students believe that Math is easy while others
believe Math is difficult. Some students believe that they can achieve
straight ‘A’s if they work hard, others believe that they will fail even if they
studied.
What beliefs do your children have about learning, about success, about
school, and most importantly about themselves? Do they have empowering
beliefs or negative beliefs? Do their beliefs make a big impact on their
behaviors and results?
If your kids believe that school is ‘stupid and boring’, then they will
probably close their mind and won’t bother to fully participate and learn.
When they don’t learn and start failing, of course school will become boring
to them. However, when a child believes that school is fun, then he will tend
to participate more and learn eagerly. By learning well and getting good
results, school will indeed become fun! In other words, their beliefs become
self-fulfilling prophecies.
The Belief ‘I Can’ Unleashes Their Potential.

The Belief ‘I Cannot’ Blocks It.
Our children’s beliefs also affect how much of their own potential they are
able to tap. When kids believe that they CAN score straight ‘A’s, they will
be much more motivated to excel. They will set much higher standards for
themselves (e.g. ‘I must score 8 ‘A’s) and be motivated to work hard for it!
Will they definitely score straight ‘A’s? Well, maybe yes, maybe no. There
are no guarantees. But even if they don’t score straight ‘A’s, they will get
much better results than average. Why? By putting in a lot more effort, they
will tap much more of their potential.
However, when our children have limiting beliefs like, ‘I cannot doing well
in Math’, ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I have a poor memory’, ‘History is a stupid subject’
or ‘I cannot do well even if I want to,’ then the chances are they won’t even
attempt and sure enough they will get below average results.
In other words, strong self-beliefs will lead to greater action and effort.
Greater effort will lead to a higher level of potential being tapped, thus
leading to better results. When the student begins to see better results, it will
reinforce his self-belief. Again, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
BELIEFS EFFORT
RESULTS POTENTIAL
‘ Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, either way you are right’
– Henry Ford
Where Do Their Beliefs Come From?
So, why do some kids have beliefs that empower them while others have
negative beliefs that hold them back? While we cannot deny that our
children’s beliefs are influenced by their teachers, friends and past
experiences, we, as parents, play the greatest role in shaping their beliefs!
The words we have been using on them have inevitably formed the kind of
beliefs that they now have. For example, if you keeping telling your child
that he is ‘naughty’ or ‘lazy’, then pretty soon he/she is going to believe that
he IS lazy and naughty. This is how they form negative self-images of
themselves! If we make remarks like “this is so simple, how come you

cannot understand it?” then the child will start to believe that she is stupid or
slow for not being able to understand something ‘so simple.’ When we
repeatedly say to a child, “what’s wrong with you?,” they will start to
develop a belief that there really is something wrong with them.
When my daughter Kelly, now four, was much younger, she would take her
crayons and draw on the wall. My wife and I would get angry and tell her to
stop doing it or have her crayons taken away. However, my maid, not
understanding child psychology, would say “naughty girl! So naughty!”
whenever she saw it happening. Fortunately we were there to stop her. She
didn’t realize that by repeatedly telling her that she is a naughty girl, the
child would soon believe that she is ‘naughty’ and start behaving
consistently with that identity. Children always live up to the expectations
that their parents/caregivers give them.
What many parents do not realize is that they unknowingly install limiting
self-beliefs in their children through the words they use. Recently when I
brought my younger daughter Samantha to the playground, I noticed a five-
year-old boy running to a ladder and starting to climb up. His mother who
was right behind immediately shouted, “Come down! Come down! You fall
down then you know!”
What do you think is the impact that those words of dire consequences will
have on the child? Well, it will install a belief that every time he attempts
something challenging, he will fail! What would be a more useful approach
would be to ensure his safety and yet give him the chance to challenge
himself and build his self-confidence. The parent could say, “You can do it
but be careful!”, while supporting him from behind.
When We Reinforce Powerful Self-Beliefs In Our Kids, We Immunize

Them Against The Negativity of the World
When we reinforce our children’s belief in themselves by using encouraging

statements like, “I know you can do it!”, “I know you will do better the next
time,” and ‘ you are a winner!’ or, “If you work hard enough, you can
achieve anything” or “I believe in you,” we also immunize them against the
negative influences of the world.
When our children are constantly nurtured at home and taught to believe in
themselves, they will be less likely to be influenced by negative experiences
and negative remarks from peers and teachers.
I remember having a friend who failed his Math test badly despite putting in
the effort to study. Surprisingly, instead of feeling stupid or giving up, he
kept the faith and worked even harder to learn from his mistakes, finally
getting himself an ‘A’ in his finals. I later found out that he had very
encouraging parents who kept believing in him and taught him to never give
up. That made the difference!
First, Empower Our Kids With New Beliefs
So, before we can expect our children to improve their behaviors and exam
results, we have must first help them to make a change in their beliefs. If
they continue to have negative beliefs, then all the nagging, scolding and
advice will be of no use. We must begin by helping our kids break away
from the limiting beliefs that hold them back.
The good news is that if we have such a strong influence over our children’s
beliefs, then we can begin to take steps to instill in them empowering beliefs
that will direct them towards success.
Breaking Away Limiting beliefs… Challenge Their References
So, how do we help our kids remove the mental barriers that limit their
potential? First, you need to identify the limiting beliefs they have about
themselves. Beliefs about learning, about life and so on. The best way to do
this is to start to pay close attention to what they say. Do this and their
limiting beliefs will begin to become obvious.
After working with many teens and kids, I found that most of them hold onto
the negative belief that ‘others can do it, but I can’t.’ They believe that
others kids get better grades and are more successful because they are
smarter, better or have privileges that they lack (e.g. better teachers).
They have other limiting beliefs like ‘I am just lazy’, ‘Chinese is too
difficult,’ ‘I have a lousy teacher, so I cannot do well,’ ‘I have a bad
memory’ or ‘I am not smart enough.’ Many of their beliefs centre around the
fact that they have no control over their results. They believe that factors
outside of their control like lousy teachers, low intelligence, poor memory,
difficult subjects, tough exam papers, peer pressure and distractions
determine their success or failure.
So how can we help our kids make a change in the limiting beliefs that hold
them back? Just advising them to believe otherwise will obviously not work.
If your child believes that Math is difficult and you keep emphasizing that
“No! Math is easy,” he will feel that you do not understand him at all! He
will feel that his thoughts and feelings are being disregarded. What’s worse
is he may begin to feel even more stupid since he cannot understand an ‘easy
subject’.
When I work with students who have limiting beliefs, the first thing I do is
to acknowledge and understand the beliefs they have. Remember in the last
chapter we said that we must first respect the child’s ‘model of the world.’
By respecting their views, they will begin to be more open to our views and
suggestions.
Once you have gained enough rapport, you will want to find out why he/she
created those beliefs. What are the references that led to those beliefs being
formed? For example, your daughter may feel that she is no good at learning
because she gets a ‘D’ even though she studies diligently for her tests.
References: Belief:
Gets a ‘D’ for Test ‘I Am No Good At
Learning.’
The secret to collapsing a limiting belief is challenge the references that

support the belief. Their beliefs only exist because of past references (or
examples) that support it. Once a reference is no longer valid, the belief will
weaken!
Think of a time in your life when you used to believe in something very
strongly but you no longer do. What was it that made that belief change?
There is a high possibility that something happened that challenged your old
reference and collapsed that belief.
For example, I used to have a student who believed that he could not be rich
because his parents were not rich and could not give him the opportunities
and resources that he believed were necessary to kick start his success. He
also had many poor relatives who complained about their run of bad luck
and lack of money. All these served as references to back up his belief.
During my workshops, I tell many real-life stories about people who grew
up in severely disadvantaged homes who became even wealthier than their
supposedly lucky peers who were born into good upper middleclass families.
I showed statistics that 80% of millionaires were born into middle income or
poor families and that less than 20% of millionaires inherited their wealth or
had capital given to them. I explained that people who are born poor have a
much greater hunger for success and a stronger drive than those who are
born rich and pampered. By showing them all these ‘counter examples,’ it
changed their references completely.
So, the key to help your child change a limiting belief is to show him/her
lots of evidences and counter examples of why their belief is not true. If your
child believes that he cannot do something, remind him of all the tough
challenges that he managed to overcome in the past. If he believes that he
forgets easily, remind him of all the times when he was able to learn and
remember easily.
There was a time when I had a student who was convinced that he had a
poor memory, which stopped him from learning well in school. When I
found out that he had a passion for fighter planes and that he could in fact
remember all the different models, their dimensions and their year of
manufacture, I used it as a perfect counter example of how he actually
possessed a powerful memory.
The trouble with some parents is that instead of using counter examples to
break their kid’s limiting beliefs, they unknowingly reinforce their negative
beliefs by reinforcing their references. Some parents use remarks like, “Why
are you always so forgetful? This is not the first time you know. You forgot
to bring your passport last year when we went on vacation, you forgot to
switch off the lights again, you forgot your sweater again, you forgot….”
Remember that if we want to change our child’s behavior (e.g. encouraging

them to become more mindful or more hardworking), then first break away
the limiting beliefs that binds them to those old habits.
Instilling New Empowering Beliefs
Besides breaking old beliefs, we have to instill in our kids the right beliefs
that will drive them to excellence. When I worked with highly successful
teens, I found that they all shared a common set of beliefs that allowed them
to tap their highest potential. Two of the most empowering beliefs they have
are…
Belief #1: We Have the Same Potential. If It’s Possible for Others, It’s
Possible for Me. It is Only a Matter of Strategy
Under achievers believe that they cannot achieve what others are easily able
to achieve. They believe they are not smart enough, not good enough or they
lack the resources.
On the other hand, successful teens believe that everyone has the same
potential to succeed. If others can do it then so can they. It is only a matter of
strategy. If someone can score straight ‘A’s, then they can too. They just
have to find the right strategy of how to study the right way. If someone can
memorize well or spell well, then they can too. Again, it is a matter of
learning the right memory and spelling strategies.
Besides constantly emphasizing that they can achieve anything with the right
strategy, the best way to create this new belief in your children is to prove it
to them! If they believe that they have a poor memory, allow them to learn
powerful memory techniques (we covered this in chapter 2) and they will be
amazed that they can actually remember facts and figures perfectly.
A few years ago I was working with a student who believed that he could
not spell. When I taught him the Visual Spelling Strategy, he was shocked
that he could spell 12-letter words backwards and forwards. This totally
changed his old beliefs. A way to reinforce this empowering belief in them
is by using the slogan, ‘If Others Can, Then So Can I!’
Belief #2: I Can Choose To Be A Winner Or A Loser
Many underachievers believe that they are just born ‘losers’ or ‘failures’ and
that they do not have the ability to win. When I ask them why they think
they are not winners, they will often give reasons like, ‘ I get lousier results
than others’, ‘I never do anything well’ or ‘I keep failing at many things’.
‘These things make me a loser!’
I often tell my students that they have the power to choose to be a winner or
a loser. I tell them that their past results do not determine whether or not
they are a winner or a loser. Rather, it is the way they choose to think and act
that makes them a loser or a winner.
Winners’ Mindset
Take Responsibility for their Results

Learn from mistakes and keep taking action until they succeed
CHOICE
Losers’ Mindset
Give Excuses
In fact, winners are people who fail too, sometimes even more often than the
Blame Others
average person…because they make many more attempts. The difference is
Complain
that when winners fail, they learn from their mistakes and keep taking action
Give up Easily
until they succeed. Losers, on the other hand quit even before they start.
Losers give up easily once things get tough.
Losers are people who choose to give excuses, blame other people and
complain. When they fail a test for example, they will give excuses like “I
had no time to study,” “the test was too tough,” “the subject is boring” and
so on. By blaming others and giving excuses, losers let the world around
them control their life. As a result, they have no power to change anything!
They feel powerless and hopeless.
Winners are people who take responsibility for their actions and results.
When Winners fail in something (e.g. an exam), they don’t blame their
teachers, the subject or the exam paper. Instead they take responsibility for
the fact that they did not study hard enough or that they did not use the right
strategy. By taking responsibility, it means that they have the power to
change their results to what they want.
So, keep reinforcing in your children the belief that they have a CHOICE to
be a loser or to be a winner. Instill in them the belief that when they take
responsibility for their results (instead of blaming other factors), they will
have the power to control their life. A powerful slogan that I use to drive this
message across is ‘For Things to Change, I Must Change First’ and ‘I Have
a Choice in Life, I Choose to Win!’
Quality 2: Personal Vision
About seven years ago I was invited down to Chinese High School (one of
the top schools in Singapore) to do a workshop for 300 secondary four
students who were going to sit for their ‘O’ level examinations. At the
beginning of the session, I went around asking the students what they
wanted to achieve for the coming exams.
The first student I approached answered immediately, ‘ Sir, nine ‘A’s!’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘ my dream is to get into Victoria Junior
College and then to the National University to study medicine. I want to be a
Oncologist and find a cure a cancer.’ Wow! That answer really impressed
me.
When I asked a second student, I got another equally impressive answer. He

replied, “My goal is to score 11 ‘A’s because I am aiming to get into
Pembrooke College in Oxford University to study politics, economics and
philosophy.” “Why do you want to study those subjects?,” I asked. “I am
interested in going into politics, I believe I have lots of ideas to contribute to

make our country better,’ he said with easy confidence.
Almost every single student I asked in the room (at least 30 of them) gave
similarly impressive answers. Wow! I wondered to myself, no wonder these
kids are in the top school. What impressed me the most was not the number
of ‘As’ they wanted to score, rather what impressed me the most was the fact
that they knew what they wanted and they were going after it. They were.
High achievers tend to be driven by a clear vision and purpose. It is the goals
they have that create in them the self-motivation and the drive.
On the other hand, when I went to lower-ranked schools and classes, the
answers I got were totally different. When I asked them what results they
expected to get for the coming exam, the typical answer was, “Huh? I don’t
know.” When I asked how many ‘A’s they were going to score, the usual
reply was, “It depends on the paper’. If it is easy, then we can score an ‘A’.
If it is difficult, then maybe it will be just pass.” Needless to say, they had no
idea what they were going to do after finishing secondary school. The reply
was again, “Let’s see how it goes.” When I asked them why they were in
school or why they were studying, the standard reply was, “I have no
choice” or “My mother wants me to study.”
From this observation it became very clear to me that all successful and
highly motivated teens are very goals-orientated. They know what they
want! The most important factor I realized also was that successful teens are
driven not so much by their short-term study goals, but rather by their life
goals. They had very inspiring life goals that they set for themselves. Life
goals like wanting to build a billion dollar empire, modeling themselves
after Donald Trump or wanting to become the next prime minister or
wanting to become a vet to help animals. Or in the case of the first student I
asked, he wanted to find a cure for cancer.
These inspiring dreams were what motivated them to want to keep learning
and scoring good grades, They saw good grades as the vehicles that would
allow them to reach for their dreams. On the other hand, underachievers
have no clear goals. They do not dare to dream. When asked why they were
in school or why they were studying, they would say, “I have to study
because I have no choice.” “I am studying to make my parents happy.” “I
have to do well or my mum will nag.” In other words, underachievers did
not study for themselves or for their own dreams, but they do it to get their
parents off their backs. It is obvious that when kids don’t study for
themselves, their own goals, they will never be self-motivated to excel!
So how can we as parents, get our kids to have a vision for the future, to act
with the end in mind and to set clear and inspiring goals for themselves?
Here are a few tried and proven strategies.
a. Encourage Them to Dream
Highly effective parents always encourage their kids to have big dreams, no
matter how crazy they may be. They will say things like, “You can do it if
you put your mind to it.” “You can be and do whatever you want in life.”
What made Tiger Woods the world’s greatest golfer was the fact that he had
an extremely encouraging father who kept backing him up. When Tiger said
that he wanted to become the world’s number one golfer at the age of eight,
his father didn’t tell him that he was crazy, instead he said, “I have no doubt
you will be the greatest player the world has ever seen.” Tiger went on to
prove his father right 13 years later.
In the 1940s, at the age of 12, young Neil went to his mum and told her that
he wanted to go to the moon one day and play among the stars. She told him
that he could do anything that he put his mind to. Well, we know history was
made when Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon.
Imagine if his mum replied like a typical parent, “are you crazy? Don’t be
stupid!” Armstrong may never have taken that big leap for mankind.
Ineffective parents tend to shoot their kids dreams down, give criticism and
tell them to “Get real!” This will effectively kill all your child’s dreams for
their future. Ineffective parents say things like, “with your grades, how can
you ever be a doctor?,” “Are you mad?”, “How can a lazy person like you
become a millionaire?”
Some parents ask, “What if their dreams are unrealistic, like wanting to
become an astronaut?” “What if they are too young to know what they really
want?”
My reply is that it does not matter even if their dreams seem totally off the
Planet. The important thing is that their goals excite and drive them to want
to learn and excel. If a kid wants to become an astronaut, then he will be

enthusiastic to learn science, mathematics and languages in order to fulfill
that dream!
Will our kid’s dreams change as they grow older? Most probably! But it
does not matter as life goals are always a work-in-progress. As long as at
any point of time, they have a future goal that gives them direction and
purpose in their lives.
What If They Do Not Know What They Want?
Most parents report that when they ask their children what their dreams are
the standard reply they get is, “I don’t know what I want.” There are many
reasons that lead a child to say they have no goals. The first reason is
because they have limiting self-beliefs. As long as they have limiting self-
beliefs, they will never dare to have goals because everything seems out of
reach.
This is why building empowering beliefs in our children is the first crucial
step in the Ultimate Success Formula. Unless they believe in themselves,
they will never dare to set goals.
The second reason is because the kids have never given it any thought and
have never really been exposed to the possibilities of what they can achieve
in life. This is where we can begin to expose them to the different
possibilities and get them started on the process of goals setting.
When Are They Too Young to Dream?
When I talk about the importance of teaching children how to set goals,
many parents would ask, “Aren’t they too young to know what they want to
do in the future?” This is especially so for children who are still in their pre-
teens or early teens.
The irony is that after training students of all ages, I find that it is the
younger ones who have a much greater imagination. They dare to dream and
make big goals for the future. As people grow up and become teenagers and
then young adults they become a lot more skeptical. Sadly too they become
a lot less daring and creative and by the time they are in their 40s, they
become cynical and jaded and find it even harder to get passionate about
anything, much less pursue a big goal with passion and single mindedness.
If you read the life stories of the most successful people in history, they all
have one thing in common…they had clear goals of their future at a very
young age. Tiger Woods wanted to become the worlds best golfer at the age
of 8, Steven Spielberg knew he wanted to make movies at the age of 12,
Warren Buffett wanted to become a millionaire at the age of 6 and actually
started investing at age 11, and Michael Jordan dreamed of playing in the
NBA at the age of 10. So, not only is it never to early to start having a life
goal, but the earlier a person starts, the more likely they are to reach the
pinnacle of their chosen field.
Creating A Life Path Vision Board
I have found that one of the best ways to get kids to set goals is to use a ‘Life
Path Vision Board’. Get a large piece of poster paper and draw a time line
that covers the major milestones in their life.
Then guide them to set goals they want to achieve in the different stages of
their life. The goals should be written down in a specific way with a deadline
put to it.
What makes their goals very compelling is when they find and print out
pictures that represent the different goals they want to achieve. For example,
if their dream is to become a best-selling author, they could paste pictures of
the best-selling books by the authors they truly admire.
b. Share Your Dreams and Goals With Them

Our children learn more from what they observe (especially what their
parents say and do) than what we can ever say to them. One of the best ways
to inspire them to set life goals is to share your own goals with them.
Effective parents make it a family activity where everyone shares their goals
with each other. Family members would then support each other and remind
each other of their goals.
Sharing your own goals with your kids can include your career, financial and
family goals. Even a stay-at-home mum or a mum who does volunteer work
and share her goals. For example, educating other parents to the health
hazards of their children being exposed to pesticides or cigarette smoke.
By doing so, you are indirectly teaching your children of the things they
must plan for when they become adults. It is one of the most powerful ways
to expose them to life in the future.
Some parents are worried about whether their kids will be interested in their
adult goals. You will be surprised at how inspired your kids will be when
you share this part of your life with them. It is something that they will never
learn in school and probably no adult will ever teach it to them.
I have also found that teens get very inspired when I share with them stories
of how other people (especially celebrities) set goals and use it as a way to
move towards success. I remember when I was young, one of my favorite
actors was Arnold Schwarzenegger. I remember loving his movies like the
Terminator and Commando where he was the fearless hero who bashed up
the bad guys.
My dad took my passion for Schwarzenegger as an opportunity to inspire me

about the importance of goals. He told me the story of how Schwarzenegger
was an immigrant who came to the United States with the dream of
becoming an actor. Everyone told him that he would never make it. He had a
thick accent that nobody could understand, no acting experience, poor acting
skills and a name that was too long and foreign sounding.
Despite all this criticisms, Arnold believed in his dreams and took massive
action to make it a reality. Despite many failed attempts and rejections, he
finally made it. Not only did he become an actor, but he became one of the
most well-paid and famous actors in Hollywood. He later went on to achieve

his second goal of becoming a politician when he was elected governor of
California. He achieved all these things not by chance, but because he dared
to dream. This was one of the stories that inspired me to set and reach for my
own dreams of becoming a best-selling author and a self-made millionaire.
Highly effective parents never nag at their kids to set goals nor do they tell
their kids what goals to set. Instead, they use real life stories like these to
ignite their kids’ imagination. What becomes even more powerful is when
you base these stories on what your kids are already passionate about.
c. Expose Them to Possibilities
Many parents complain that their children think very short-term and do not
plan ahead for their future. Well, one of the reasons is that not many people
talk to kids about their future, not even their teachers in school.
In school, teachers tend to emphasize the importance of gaining knowledge

and scoring well in Geography, Physics, History and Math. Without
showing students what different people do in their careers, the fulfillment
they can find in certain careers, their students don’t see the relevance in
learning those subjects, nor the relevance of doing well. (One can’t blame
teachers because most of them go straight into teaching after graduation or
teachers’ college and quite understandably have little knowledge of working
life outside of the classroom!)
I once had a student who was highly achievement orientated. She constantly
talked about her life goals and how she was aiming to do well to get into the
course she wanted. I wondered how she had gained this level of maturity and
vision. When I began speaking to her mother, I started to realize why. Even
when she was only eight, her mum would talk to her about very adult topics
and expose her to life beyond the classroom.
Her mum was a management consultant and after work she would tell her
daughter what she did in her job everyday, and most importantly, what she
loved about it. She talked about the problems that businesses faced and how
she would help them to solve their marketing and management issues. Even
though young Jenny did not understand everything her mum talked about,
she would ask lots of questions like, “What is management? What is

consulting?” Her mum would explain it as simply as she could. For example,
she would say, “management is when you make sure your workers do their
job well and get along together.” Mum would talk about how she went about
discovering her career and how she had to study and climb up the corporate
ladder (which again she had to explain in simple terms).
When they visited the doctor, Mum would take the opportunity to tell Jenny
about what doctors do and what they had to study to become a doctor. If
mum did not know all the answers, she would do some research on the
Internet, together with her daughter. By doing so, it indirectly taught Jenny
how to be resourceful and find answers to the questions she did not know
herself.
It is a well known fact that some highly successful individuals and

millionaire tycoons expose their children to the adult world at a very young
age and in so doing enrich their lives and accelerate their learning
immeasurably.
When Bill Clinton was a governor in Hope, Arkansas, he gave his then
young daughter Chelsea a little desk in a small room, right next to his office
where she could watch him as he received visitors and he could keep a
loving eye on her. When Clinton became President and the family moved
into the White House, Chelsea was a poised and confident 13 year-old.
Chelsea also frequently traveled on official visits with both parents, all over
the world, even to hot spots where she, like Princess Diana, learned to
empathise and understand the social problems of peoples whose
backgrounds were so different from hers. Then, as a young woman graduate,
Chelsea became a visible and articulate asset in her mother Hillary’s
successful campaign to become Senator of New York.
Hong Kong Billionaire Li Kah Shing started grooming his son to take over
his empire at a very young age. He would bring his son along on his
company visits and let him sit through board meetings.
These highly successful people knew that such exposure would help their
children develop maturity and confidence. Not only that, as these public
figures do not have much chance of private family life, by bringing their
children seamlessly into their work and social environment, they
Also enable family bonds to be strengthened.
So, if billionaires and busy professionals can make the time to include their
children in their work and social lives, thus enriching their lives and
horizons, why not you? However, do note that although it is important to
guide them about what they can do and achieve in life, it is never a good
idea to make plans for them.
Never plan their life for them and never tell them what to do! And never
expect them to do what you love to do. By telling them what to do, they will
never have the chance and confidence to think for themselves and gain
independence.
Always remember that our children are individuals who have their own
unique passions, talents and life mission. Our role is to help them discover
what their strengths are, where their passion lies and where they can
contribute and add greatest value to the community, society, indeed this
shrinking interconnected world, we all live in.
Instead of giving advice, what we can do is to facilitate and guide them to

design their own life paths and careers. My personal belief is that a person
can achieve success and fulfillment in any career or livelihood, and material
wealth if they so desire, as long as they have the mindset of achieving
excellence in whatever they are doing!
d. Keep Them Focused On Their Goals
Many people share the experience of setting goals and getting all excited
only to lose sight of them after a while. Instead, successful people are known
to constantly stay focused on their goals.
A great strategy would be to get your child to write and design his goals on a
large piece of poster paper. He would then paste up this ‘Vision Board’ and
use it as a way of focusing and gaining continuous motivation to pursue his
goals.
Quality 3: A Winning Strategy
The third step quality that all high achieving teens possess is a ‘Winning
Strategy.’ Time and time again, I have found that students who achieve
exceptional results are not more intelligent; rather, their success is due to
their more effective learning and self-management strategies.
A few years ago, I used to go to many different schools in Singapore to

conduct lessons on memory enhancement. As part of the lesson, I would
teach students how to memorize a list of 30 words within two minutes. Most
students would only be able to remember up to a maximum of 6-7 words at a
time. When I tell them that it is indeed possible to remember all 30 words in
sequence at one go, many of them would think I was crazy.
After teaching them the right memory strategy of creating visual images for
the words and associating them together, using a creative story, all the
students would be amazed to find that they indeed can have perfect memory
– if they use this technique properly.
What really surprised me was the time when I was invited to Raffles Girls
School where I conducted a session for 50 children from the gifted program.
When I gave them the list of 30 words and asked if anyone would be able to
remember it all within two minutes, all 50 hands shot up in the room. When
I tested five girls at random, every single one of them called out the list of
words in perfect sequence. ‘Wow! I thought to myself… no wonder they are
gifted.’
When I asked the girls how they managed to do it, they told me that they
created visual pictures of the words and linked it all up using a story. “Who
taught you the strategy?” I asked. One of the girls replied, “No one. I just did
it naturally from the time I was young.” That experience confirmed the fact
that gifted children are gifted simply because they were lucky enough to
stumble across the right strategy that enabled them to learn so rapidly.
On the other hand, kids who are labeled ‘average’ are simply those that have
been using the wrong memory strategy of just repeating the words over and
over again.
Have you ever wondered why some kids are able to spell so well while other
kids (who may be very intelligent) find it difficult to spell? Once again, it is
because of the strategy they are using. I have found that kids who spell very
well use a visual processing strategy. These children are able to see the
memory of the word in their mind, like a picture. They then write down the
word with the alphabets in perfect order.
Poor spellers tend to use an auditory or kinesthetic strategy in spelling. As

they spell, they do not see a picture of the word in their mind. Instead, they
write down the alphabets based on the sound of the word in their mind. The
reason they keep misspelling is because the alphabets don’t always match he
sound of the word (phonic). I have found that by teaching poor spellers how
to visualize the word in their mind, their spelling accuracy improves
significantly!
So, all children share the same neurology (brain potential). If it’s possible
for someone else’s child to achieve great results, then so can your child. The
key is teaching our children that their success lies in their learning and using
the right strategy.
Again, if your child is not able to remember well, it is not because he has a
poor memory. It is because he is not using an effective memory strategy.
There is a strategy for every kind of behavior and result. There are effective
strategies for spelling, reading, memory, time management, self-motivation,
emotional management and overcoming failure.
When most kids are not able to do well in whatever area, they tend to be
resigned to the fact that they do not have the ability to do it. They are simply
poor in that subject or not good enough. On the other hand, I have found that
when highly successful teens fail to do well in whatever it is, they look for
ways to change their strategy.
So, as effective parents, avoid making statements like, “Why is your

memory so poor,” “Why are you so lazy?” or “Why can’t you do well?”
Instead, you may want to say, “You can do it! There is always a way!
Change your strategy.”
There are many books and seminars your child can read or attend where they
will learn the right strategies to achieve the results they want. In my classic
best-selling book ‘I Am Gifted, So Are You!’ and my training programs, I
teach students the strategies they can use to achieve success in school and
beyond.
Quality 4: The Ability to Managing Emotions & Take Action
Besides having the right strategies, successful students have the ability to
consistently motivate themselves to take action towards their goals. As
human beings, we (especially our children) are driven very much by the
emotional states that we feel.
When kids are in negative emotional states like depression, lethargy,

laziness or fear, they will not be driven to study or do anything. On the other
hand, when our children feel confident, motivated and enthusiastic, they will
perform at their fullest potential.
Positive Emotions Negative Emotions

Drive Teens to Take Action Sabotages Kids Success
 Motivation  Laziness
 Enthusiasm  Frustration
 Fun & Excitement  Hopelessness
 Confidence  Fear
 Focus  Anger
 Stress
 Procrastination
I have found that below average students tend to believe that they have little
control over their emotional states. And since emotions tend to override
logic, they often don’t take action when they need to. For example, they
know logically that they need to study for the coming test, but the feeling of
laziness and procrastination holds them back.
At the same time, their lack of emotional control causes to them simply react
to their external environment. They believe that events and other people
MAKE THEM feel bad. When a friend throws an insult, they react
immediately into getting angry. When they cannot solve a Math problem,
they get frustrated. When they see the number of pages they need to study,
they feel overwhelmed!
Ineffective Kids:
Event => Automatic Reaction
(e.g. Teacher scolds) (Get Demoralized)
At the same time, ineffective students believe that they have no control over
how they feel and instead, allow their emotions to control them. When they
feel lazy, they just don’t study. When they feel depressed, they shut down.
And when they feel lousy, they just give up. They believe that something or
someone must motivate them or give them the confidence to take action. As
a result, most children feel powerless to change their results for the better.
Successful Kids Take Charge of their Emotions

“ I Have the Power to Control My Emotions’
Event + ‘My Response’ = Outcome

Ineffective Kids Let their Emotions Control Them
“ I Have No Control My Emotions’
Event = Outcome
Successful teens on the other hand believe that they are IN CHARGE of
their own emotions. When they feel lazy, they don’t wait for something to
come along and motivate them. They know how to motivate themselves to
take action! When they experience failure or rejection, they are able to get
over it very fast.
Can our children be taught to manage their emotions? Absolutely! In fact,

this is one of the most important skills (i.e. emotional state management)
that I teach in my ‘I Am Gifted, So Are You!’™ and Superkids™ life
transformational camps!
One of the most important concepts that I teach my students is that the
events that happen to us DO NOT create our emotions. It is how we
CHOOSE to RESPOND to the event that creates our emotions.
E + R = O
Event My Response Outcome
(10%) (90%) (100%)
I Choose
By controlling how we choose respond to the events that happen to us, we

can control our emotions, behaviors and outcomes.
Successful students know that they have the power to choose how to respond
to events. No matter what happens to then, they will respond in a way that
puts them into a positive emotion in order to achieve a successful outcome.
On the other hand, ineffective students tend to react in a way that makes
them feel lousy, leading to poor outcomes!
EVENT:
e.g. Fail a Test
Successful Student
Ineffective Student
RESPONSE 1 RESPONSE 2 RESPONSE 3

“ I Am hopeless” “ Not fair! The test “ I did not study hard
“What’s the use in was too tough!” enough! I must do much
studying?” better next time!”
OUTCOME: OUTCOME: OUTCOME:

Depressed, Demoralized Angry, Frustrated Motivated!
No motivation to study No motivation to study Work even harder
Results remain lousy Results remain lousy Results improve
By teaching our kids how to control their response and emotions, it will
empower them to take consistent action towards their goals. In the next
chapter, you will also learn that children and teens behavior are primarily
driven by five core emotions. By learning the emotions that make them do
what they do, you can utilize the emotions to help drive your children
towards taking the positive action towards success.
Quality 5: Turning Failure into Learning Experiences
The main reason why many children don’t have goals, will never set goals
and don’t bother taking action is because of the fear of failure. Many teens
have an intense fear of failure, of making mistakes and feeling bad. It is this
fear that stops them from setting high standards for themselves or even
attempting to excel.
But we all know that making mistakes is necessary in the learning process.
We know that failure is inevitable and is the pre-requisite to any kind of
long-term success. Most children may take action at one time or another.
However, once they don’t achieve their goal, they will tend to give up. They
will give themselves excuses and will not dare to try it anymore. This
common pattern is a guarantee that the child will never amount to anything
in his life.
Are high achievers also afraid of failure? Yes! They are. However, these
successful teens tend to define failure very differently to themselves.
Whenever they give their best and don’t reach their goals, they don’t see it
as failure. They take it as a learning experience. They will then learn from
their mistakes and take action again. If they fail to reach their goals again,
they will learn from their mistakes again; they will change their strategy and
take action again. They will repeat this process until they are successful. To
these teens, the only way they can fail is if they give up!
So, if we want our children to dare set goals, take action to achieve them and
bounce back from adversity, then we must constantly reinforce in them the
concept that ‘there is no failure, only learning experiences’. By creating a
culture that ‘it’s ok to make mistakes, as long as I learn from mistakes,’ your
child will have the confidence to strive for better results.
So, whenever your child fails a test or even loses a competition,

communicate to him that it is all right to fail and make mistakes as long as
he learns from the mistakes and continues doing his best. A great motto you
can use is ‘Failure Leads to Success’. I always tell my students that the
only way you can fail is if you QUIT or if you stop giving your best.
And whenever your child does not succeed in something, instead of saying,
“Why did you fail?,” a more empowering response would be, “What can you
learn from this?” or “What strategy can you use the next time?”
Quality 6: Having a High Self-Esteem
The final and most important quality that happy and motivated children
possess is a high sense of self-esteem and self-worth. High achievers feel
good about themselves and have a high level of confidence. Their high sense
of self-worth and love of themselves makes them set high standards and it
gives them the courage to participate fully in whatever they do, without fear
of failure, of rejection.
On the other hand, underachievers are usually unmotivated because they

experience low self-esteem. They feel lousy about who they are and think
lowly of themselves. As a result, they lack the courage and confidence to do
well in anything at all.
As parents, we have a huge part to play in developing high self-esteem in

our children. Know too that high self-esteem and self-confidence are
positive states and not to be confused with pride and cockiness. In fact, it is
only the truly self-confident person who can express caring and compassion
and achieve lasting happiness.
In chapter 6, you will learn exactly how you can nurture a high sense of self-
esteem and confidence in your child, leading to his emotional health and
happiness.
The diagram below summarizes the Ultimate Success Formula that all
highly effective teens and kids use to achieve success in school and in life.
Empowering High Self Esteem

Beliefs
Personal Vision
Success
Change Winning Strategy
Learning
Experience Manage Emotions
& Take Action
FAILURE
Turn Failure
into Learning
Experiences
In the next chapter, you are going to learn exactly how to positively
influence your children to acquire the steps in the Ultimate Success Formula.
Chapter 4:
The Five Emotions That Drive Teens
Whenever I teach the ultimate success formula to teachers and parents, many
of them would say, “It sounds great! I agree that they need to set goals, learn
the right strategies and take action. But how do I get them to agree to do all
these things? What if they don’t listen to me? What would make them want
to do it?”
The questions that parents and teachers frequently ask me are, “What drives
their (teens and children) behavior? What makes them do what they do?”
Many parents cannot understand why their children behave in ways that
seem totally illogical to them (the parents).
“Why won’t they study hard for their future?”

“Why won’t they listen despite repeated reminders?”
“I cannot understand what she was thinking at the time!”
“How could he do that?”
“Why does he allow himself to be influenced by those
negative/useless friends?”
Parents are often astounded that I am able to get their kids to change their
behaviors and mindset in four days when they have not been able to do it
after 14 years of nagging. Some parents think that it is because kids would
rather listen to an outsider (i.e. me) than to them. This is not the reason at
all!
The reason I am able to get children and teenagers to listen to me (even the
most rebellious and indifferent ones), is because I understand what drives
their thoughts and behaviors. I know what makes them tick!
When you learn these secrets in this chapter, you too will be able to
influence your child to do the right things. However, you must be prepared
to first totally change your own way of thinking, and your current
strategies (if they are not working for you).
What Drives Teenage Behaviour?
So, what drives the thoughts and behaviors of our children? The answer is
their EMOTIONS. In fact, very often our kids’ emotions override their logic.
Teens and children are driven much more by how they FEEL than by what
they THINK is logically good for them.
A lot of teens I talk to know that they should study hard but they won’t
because they don’t FEEL like it. They know that it is not right to argue back
or be rude when their parents try to advise them, but their emotions at that
moment cause them to snap back. At the same time, many kids know they
shouldn’t smoke, skip school or play computer games non-stop but they still
do -- because they FEEL like doing it.
Emotions First, Logic Second
Knowing that our children are driven more by their emotions, it is futile
trying to change their behaviors by lecturing, constant reminding or trying to
give advice, no matter how sound your advice is.
Comments or advice like: “You should study hard it is for the good of your
future,” “Don’t mix around with those friends, you are just wasting your
time”, “Keep your room tidy” are going to fall on deaf ears unless we first
deal with how they feel inside. When kids are in a negative emotional state,
all the nagging in the world will not make them change or listen to you.
However, when we first acknowledge how they feel and engage their
emotions, they will then open up and listen to our logical suggestions.
At the same time, when we know how to use positive emotions to influence
them, we can then get them to do anything we want. Kids will only do
something when it makes them feel good.
Dealing With Problems and Complaints
Knowing that our children’s behaviors are driven very much by their
emotions, how should we go about helping them deal with the everyday
problems they face? What is the best way to get them to learn how to make
the right decisions in life?
Look at these typical scenarios that many parents face with their children
and write down how you would usually respond if your son/daughter said or
did the following:
1) Your son says, “I got into a fight with that Idiot Jerry in school”
Your response:
_____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
2) Your daughter says, “Someone stole my mobile phone when I left it on

my desk in school “.
Your response:
_____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
3) “My best friend betrayed me!”

Your response:
_____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
Have you written down the way you would usually respond? Please give
your very honest answers before reading further. It is important to know
what strategy you are currently using before you can develop a more
effective method.
After asking over a hundred parents to fill in their responses, I compiled

these most common answers.
1) “I got in a fight with that idiot Jerry in school.”

Parents’ usual response:
 Do you think fighting is a smart thing to do?
 How many times have I told you not to get into fights? Do you want to
get expelled?
 Are you a hooligan? Only hooligans fight.
 Who started it? What did you do this time?
2) “Someone stole my mobile phone when I left it on my desk in school”

 How may times have I told you not to leave your things lying around?
 Who asked you to bring your mobile phone to school? It serves you
right!
 Are you sure you didn’t lose it yourself?
3) ‘My best friend betrayed me.’

 What did you do?
 Don’t worry, you’ll find other friends
 Cheer up! It’s not the end of the world
 You’re better off without them.
Now, put yourself into the shoes of a child or teenager listening to these
replies from your parent. Would you feel better or even more angry and
resentful? Would you feel like sharing more about what had happened or
would you just shut up? Would you want to listen to their advice or would
you simply shut your ears? Would you feel empowered and motivated to
solve the problem?
The Old Paradigm: Disregard Emotions & Fix My Kids
PROBLEM Give Advice
Interrogate
EMOTIONS
DISREGARDED Blame & Accuse
Most parents tend to adopt the paradigm that “I need to fix my kids.”
When faced with their children’s problems, they instinctively jump in --
giving advice, while disregarding their children’s tumultuous emotions.
We tell them how to think and what they should do. Some parents even start
interrogating their kids and begin accusing and blaming them for the
problem.
This method rarely empowers young people to open up, listen and take
positive action. When a child or teens’ emotions are disregarded, they will
feel even more angry and resentful. As long as they stay in such a negative
emotional state, all our good-intentioned advice will fall on deaf ears.
In fact, such an approach tends to cause the child to close up and refrain
from talking to us about his problems in the future. We must understand also
that if we keep telling our kids what to do, they will never be empowered to
think for themselves and solve their own problems.
In a Nutshell,
Disregarding Emotions and Giving Advice Will Cause the Child to
 Become angry and resentful
 Disregard our advice
 Close up and refrain from opening up in the future
 Lack the confidence to solve their own problems in the future
The New Paradigm: Acknowledge Emotions & Empower My

Kids to Fix Their Own Problems
Highly effective parents adopt a very different approach to managing their

children’s problems. They believe in first acknowledging and pacing their
child’s emotions. When children feel that they are being heard, they are
more likely to open up and share their thoughts and feelings freely. Effective
parents believe that when a child feels better about himself, he will be more
empowered to sort out the problems on his own (with our guidance if
necessary).
PROBLEM Empower Kids

to Solve Their
Own Problems
EMOTIONS
PACE &
ACKNOWLEDGE
We must first remember that behind every problem, there are always
emotions involved. When the kid tells you that he lost his mobile phone, he
is probably feeling angry, sad and very lousy about himself. When your
daughter tells you that she was betrayed, she is probably feeling extremely
hurt, stupid and angry. The last thing they would want to hear is whole
bunch of advice and being questioned about why it happened.
Remember that before we can influence our children, we must first build
rapport with them by entering their model of the world. We do this by
pacing and matching their emotions. When we acknowledge their feelings
and they begin to feel that we understand how they feel, they will then be
open to suggestions.
The amazing thing is that when start dealing with our children’s feelings and
help them get into a more resourceful state of mind, they will tend to be able
to work out the solutions for themselves. Remember that effective parents do
not think of ‘fixing their kids.’ Instead, they focus on empowering their kids
to ‘fix things for themselves.’
Strategies for Pacing & Acknowledging Emotions
There are three strategies we can use to pace our kids emotions.
1) Listen with Full Attention & Acknowledge

Sometimes, all it takes is to listen without saying anything. When we listen
with full attention, we will be surprised at how much our kids will open up
and share their thoughts and feelings. It also helps to acknowledge by

nodding and saying, “hmmm, I see, okay…”
Although it seems so simple, it is one of the hardest things for parents to do.
Most parents find it extremely difficult to just listen as their kids speak
(especially if they say things that don’t seem right). We are somehow
programmed to judge and jump in with our own views and solutions. The
moment we do this, kids will tend to close up and not want to talk to us
anymore. Kids will only open up when they feel that they can air their
honest feelings and thoughts without fear of being judged.
More often than not, when we allow children to freely express their
emotions and thoughts (while we are there to support them emotionally),
you will find that they will end up finding their own solutions to their
problems. Again, the added advantage to this approach is that they will
develop the self-confidence to think for themselves and handle life’s
challenges.
Instead of Accusing and Questioning…

Listen With Full Attention & Acknowledge

2) Describe the Emotion
Another strategy would be to describe the emotions that your kids are
feeling while they share their problems. By mirroring back their emotions
using words, it gives them immediate feedback that you can relate to how
they feel. Again, by doing so, they will begin to open up and talk about their
problems.
As you can see, by simply pacing our children’s emotions, it would allow
them to vent their negative emotions and think through their own solutions
about how to move on.
In a Nutshell,
By Pacing Our Children’s Emotions & Letting Them Figure Out their
Own Answers…
 The child will feel understood and comforted.
 They will be in a better state of mind to listen and/or to find their own solutions.
 They will learn to think for themselves and develop self-confidence
 The child will feel ‘safe’ to open up and share his problems in the future
 A strong rapport and mutual trust will be built between parent and child
Guiding Children With Useful Questions
Does this means that we should never offer them solutions or give them
advice about what to do? Well, there are times when our kids will come to
conclusions that may not be very constructive (e.g. ‘I will take revenge on
my friends who betrayed me’) or they may simply not know what to do.
In such cases, we need to guide them to find a useful solution. However, it is

important that we first allow them to speak their feelings. Only when they
are in a positive emotional state should we begin guiding them to more
useful actions. And instead of TELLING them what to do, we need to ask
the right questions that will guide them to think of the consequences of their
actions. Some useful questions you can ask would be:
 What do you thing will happen if you did that?

 What would that lead to? What do you think they would do? How would
they feel?
 Would that help you? Do you think that is useful?
 What else could you do instead?
A Word of Caution
It is very important that your tone of voice and body language should be
NEUTRAL and NON-JUDGEMENTAL. If your tone is interrogative or
disapproving in any way, your child will tend to shut their mind.
Why Won’t My Daughter Talk To Me, But Opens Up to Her Friends?
A mother asked for my advice on how to get her daughter Diane to open up and share
with her what was going on in school. “When she was younger, she would tell me
everything about what was happening in her life. Now that she is older, Diane doesn’t
seem to want to tell me anything anymore. She just gives me one word replies. ‘Instead
she would spend hours talking on the phone to her friends.” A typical conversation
would be:
Mum: How’s everything in school?

Daughter: Okay
Mum: What did you do today?

Daughter: Nothing
Mum: Where are you going later?

Daughter: Out.
Mum: Who are you going out with?

Daughter: My friends.
The Five Emotions Needs That Drive Behaviour
In the last section, you learnt that teens and children are driven very much by
their emotions rather than by rational and logical thinking. These emotions
explain why kids and teens behave the way they do, even when such
behaviour seems self-destructive. So, if we want to motivate them to do
anything, we must understand the emotions that drive them. Once we know
these emotions, we can then utilize them to effectively direct their thoughts
and behaviours.
I have found that there are five primary emotions that drive our children in
their decisions and behaviours. They are:
Emotion #1 and #2: The Need to Feel Loved and Accepted
One of our children’s strongest emotional needs is the need to feel loved and
accepted. At the deepest level, all children crave to be loved and
acknowledged by the people around them.
A teen’s need to be accepted and loved is what drives them to join peer
groups, to conform to social rules, develop friendships, get involved with the
opposite sex and model their friends’ behaviours.
A Full Love Tank Leads to a Positive, Happy and Motivated Child
Psychologist Dr. Gary Chapman (in his book ‘The Five Love Languages’)
says that we all have a psychological love tank within us. When a child is
showered with love and constantly acknowledged by the people around him,
he will have a love tank that is FULL.
Kids with a FULL love tank will feel good about themselves and have a high
sense of self-worth and confidence. This results in a happy, positive and
motivated child.
An Empty Love Tank Leads to Behavioural Problems
However, when a child does not feel loved and faces constant rejection or
criticism, he will have a love tank that is ‘empty’. Kids with empty love
tanks tend to be hateful, negative and indifferent. This leads to all kinds of
behavioural problems. Basically, the kids’ attitude is, “Why should I care?
No one cares about me anyway?”
Warning 1: Your Child’s Love Tank May Running Empty
Most parents I speak to love their children with all their heart. The fact that
you are taking the time to read this book tells me that you are no different.
The problem is that although parents may love their children, many do not
know how to communicate their love in a way that makes their kids feel
loved. Remember that parents and kids have a totally different model of the
world. What we do out of love may not be perceived as love at all. In fact,
most of the time, the opposite is perceived. When a parent gives advice to
his child out of love, the child may not feel loved at all. In fact, he may feel
that his Dad doesn’t trust him and wants to run his life.
When a mum scolds his son for not studying out of love and concern, the
son may perceive it as dislike, even hate and resentment. This
communication breakdown of love is at the root of most parent-child

relationship problems.
Loving Your Child

=
Your Child Feels Loved
What Drains Your Children’s Love Tank
Many parents tend to do the following things out of love and concern.
Unfortunately, these are just the very things that drain their children’s love
tank, making them feel unloved, rejected and unaccepted.
1) Comparing them to Siblings and Other Kids

When we say things like:
“Why can’t you keep your room clean like your sister?”
“Why can’t you write neater like everyone else?”
“Why can’t you be more hardworking like your brother?” …
Kids will feel rejected unaccepted and unloved. They would think to
themselves, “My mum loves my sister more than me. I am not good enough
for my parents. They would rather that I be somebody else. They don’t
accept me for who I am.”
2) Criticizing and Finding Fault

Many parents try to change their kids’ behaviours by constantly criticizing

their behaviours and telling them their faults.
“What’s wrong with you?” “Why can’t you do anything right?”

“Why are you always so lazy?” “The trouble with you is that you never
listen!” “You left the light on again! Why do you always do that?”
Obviously, this approach not only makes the child feel unloved and rejected,
but angry and resentful.
3) Physical Abuse and Verbal Abuse

Needless to say, physical abuse like slapping and hitting as well as verbal
abuse like insulting and labeling (e.g. “Are you stupid?” “You are a lazy
bum!” “You Idiot!”) drains their love tank even more.
Warning 2: When Kids Do Not Feel Loved and Accepted By Their

Parents, They Will Be Driven to Find It (Acceptance) In All the Wrong
Places
The danger is that when children do not feel accepted and loved at home by
their parents, they will start looking for it in all the wrong places. Kids will
do anything to feel the love and acceptance they crave, even if it harms
them. This emotional need to fill their void for love and acceptance is what
leads kids to join gangs, fall prey to negative influences, take drugs, smoke,
engage in pre-marital sex and attract attention in the wrong way.
In the next chapter, you will learn exactly how you can communicate your
love in way that it fills your child’s love tank and builds their self-esteem as
well as strengthens your bond with them. You will even learn ways of how
you can reprimand and discipline your child while making them feel the love
that you really have for them.
Emotion #3 & #4: The Need to Feel Important and Recognized
Besides the need to feel loved and accepted, children and teenagers have a
strong desire to feel important and to be recognized by others. All kids crave
to be a ‘somebody’ instead of a ‘nobody’.
The need to feel important and recognized is what drives kids to help others,
volunteer, aim for top grades, join competitions and run for student leader.
When I run my ‘I Am Gifted, So Are You™!’ camp, hundreds of my ex-
participants volunteer as assistant coaches who help mentor the new batch of
students.
Many parents wonder why their kids would sacrifice five days of their
precious school holidays to volunteer to help at my program, working hard
from 8am to 12 midnight each day (it’s tough work) when they won’t even
spend an hour cleaning their room.
The reason is obvious. (I know, because I have been in that position myself
as a 14 year-old). As an assistant coach at the camp, they are respected and
admired by all the new students who join the program. By being the one ‘in-
charge’, they feel extremely important and recognized. At the same time, we
have created such a positive and nurturing culture that the kids feel
extremely loved and accepted by everyone in the camp.
The trouble is that parents rarely make their kids feel important and
recognized at home. On the contrary, many parents make their kids feel
small and lousy with their threats and scoldings. “You better clean your
room now…or else!,” “You live like a pig,” “What would people think if
they came into your room?.”
Instead of feeling important taking the action or performing the activity you
want them to, they will feel that by doing it, they have ‘lost’ (given in) and
you have ‘won’. And since kids don’t like to be told what to do (the next
emotional need), they will keep procrastinating – either studying or cleaning
their room.
Do You Make Your Children Feel ‘Important’ or Like ‘Nobodies’?

Most teens don’t enjoy going out with their family or doing chores simply
because they don’t feel important doing so. Some kids are made to feel
constantly small and lousy as their parents tell them what to do, criticize
their ideas, put them down and make comparisons.
“Finish your food!.” “Go and study!,” “Put on a sweater!”

‘”Do it because I said so…I am your mother!”
“That was a dumb thing to do,”
“Your hair is messy… go and comb it.”
Highly effective parents know how to motivate their kids to help with the
family chores and make the right decisions by making them feel important
about doing it. Let me share with you a strategy my wife used to get my
elder daughter to get along and share her toys with my younger one.
We found that the main reason why older kids tend to bully their younger
siblings is because all the attention that was once showered on them now
gets diverted to the younger child. From being the ‘only one, the important
one,’ they now have a rival for mummy & daddy’s attention.
We knew that the only way to get my elder daughter to get along with my
younger daughter was to continue to make the older one feel very important
and recognized. So we kept telling my elder daughter Kelly that because she
was the older one, she was ‘in-charge’ of looking after her younger sister
and had to teach her how to behave well and how to read. It worked like a
charm! The need to live up to her ‘important position’ made her take care of
her little sister. In fact, there was a time when my wife wanted to scold my
younger daughter for making a mess when my older daughter went to help
her clean up.
Warning: When Kids Do Not Feel Loved and Accepted By Their

Parents, They Will Be Driven to Find It in All the Wrong Places
Again, a child’s desire for recognition is so strong that they would do

anything to get it. If they cannot get recognition in the right ways, they will
find it in all the wrong places. This emotional need is what drives some teens
to get tattoos, bully others, join gangs, dye their hair in shocking colours,
challenge authority, act like the class clown and generally make a nuisance
of themselves. When they get all the attention (even if it is negative), they
feel extremely important.
An extreme case when when US Virginia Tech student Cho Seung-Hui shot
and killed 32 students in 16 April 2007. What would drive someone to do
something so insane? He did it simply because his need for recognition and
importance was so huge and this void was unfulfilled by people who ignored
and insulted him. It drove him to go beyond the realm of logic and take the
lives of others and himself. In his mind, he would rather die infamous than
to live as a nobody.
In chapter 6, you are going to learn strategies that will enable you to
empower and motivate your children to take positive action by filling up
their ‘importance’ and ‘recognition’ tank.
Emotion #5: The Need to Feel Independent
The fifth emotional need of all children (especially teens) is the need to feel
independent. As children grow up, they instinctively begin to search for their
own identity while trying to establish independence from their parents. This
growing up process creates the emotional need for FREEDOM and
INDEPENDENCE.
This is why kids don’t like to be told what to do and how to think. They feel
that it is not ‘cool’ to listen to their parents. By listening to parent’s advice,
they feel that they are still a little child. This explains why kids would rather
listen to their friends and young uncles/aunties instead of their own parents.
When parents use words like, “I want you to…” or “You should….,” kids
feel that their freedom is being restricted and that they have no control over
their lives. When kids feel that they are being forced to study and they have
little choice and are not allowed to think for themselves, they will either
become totally indifferent or rebellious.
So, does this mean that we should not give advice? Should we give our kids
absolute freedom to do as they please? OF COURSE NOT! As parents, we
want to guide our kids so they won’t make the same mistakes we did. The
good news is that there is a way to guide our kids to make the right decision
WITHOUT telling them what to do.
Effective parents know the secret of influencing their kid’s behavior without
making it seem like advice. When kids feel that they are studying and
working hard for themselves and not for us, they will feel more empowered
and self-motivated.
The Primary Reason Why Kids Don’t Listen to Their Parents
From what you have learnt about the five emotional needs, it is obvious that
the main reason many parents find it difficult to get cooperation from their
kids is because they unknowingly violate their kid’s emotional need for love,
acceptance, importance, recognition and independence. Kids who don’t feel
good will not behave well and cannot produce good results.
One of the most common questions that I have from parents is, “Why is it
that when my son was much younger he would do what I said. Now that he
is older, he will only listen to his friends?”
The reason our kids tend to be easily influenced by friends is because their
friends make them feel accepted. When they are with their friends, they feel
like they are part of the ‘brotherhood’ or ‘sisterhood.’ And in order to be
accepted into the group, they will conform to whatever their friends say, no
matter how illogical or damaging it is! Also, by daring to ‘smoke’, ‘shoplift’
or bully others, they become admired as being cool – by the wrong teens!
Being cool is the most important thing for a teen because it fulfills their
strongest drive of importance and recognition.
On the other hand, many kids don’t like to listen to their parents because
their folks tend to make them feel bad and tell them what to do. So, in the
teens’ mind, they feel that by listening to their parents, they have lost and
their parents have won! They don’t feel important if they were to do what
their parents say. In fact, by rebelling they feel even more important,
because they have won the battle.
After coaching and training thousands of students over the last 15 years, I
have found that kids who are self-confident and are not influenced easily by
peer pressure feel highly accepted, loved and recognized at home by their
parents. Because they feel so good about themselves and their love tank is
full, they don’t need to get acknowledgement from their peers.
Satisfy Their Five Primary Emotions And You Can Direct Your
Child/Teen’s Thoughts and Behaviours Effectively
If we want our children to listen to us and become motivated to do what is

good, what is right for them, then we must utilize their five driving
emotions. These are like their emotional hot buttons. When we are able to
make them feel accepted, important and recognized, we can get them to do
almost anything.
How I Turned A Troublemaker Into a Partner

The power of utilizing emotions is one of my secrets in getting cooperation

from even the most rebellious students. A few years ago, I was training a
class of underachievers in one of the neighborhood schools in Singapore.
It so happened that there was a group of five students who kept talking
during the entire lesson. Despite repeated requests and warnings from me to
keep quiet and pay attention, they continued taking. One of the things I have
come to realize that within every gang of students, there is always a ‘leader’
who influences the rest. I knew that if I could gain the cooperation of the
leader (a notorious boy named Jonathon), the rest would follow in line. I
decided to use a new strategy.
Halfway during the class, I told all the students to go for a short break but I
told Jonathon that I wanted to speak with him. He had a defiant look on his
face as he probably assumed that I was going to scold him for talking
throughout my class.
Instead, I did something that he totally did not expect. I flashed him a
friendly smile and told him that I wanted to ask him a very important
question. He looked totally confused. He was even more shocked when I
asked him if I could buy him a Coke in the canteen. I treated him like an old
friend as I brought him to the teachers’ lounge for a drink and a chat.
I began to ask him, showing interest and curiousity in what he had to share,
“I noticed that your friends really look up to you like an older brother. They
listen to everything you say! Where did you develop your leadership skills?”
He replied, “Leadership skills? Really?” “Absolutely! You are a natural
leader,” I said quite truthfully. “You have the makings of a successful
leader.” He looked at me with an even more confused look.
Then I asked, “Jonathon, I want to ask if you can help me out.” He was
probably wondering why a trainer would be asking him for help in anything.
I told him that I needed to share my knowledge with his friends in class and
for that to happen, I needed them to pay attention. “I know that they will not
listen to me when I ask them to keep quiet, but I know that they will listen to
you. They really look up to you. Do you think you could ask them to pay
attention? I really need your help here.”
“By making him feel really good about himself and indebted (he drank the
Coke I bought him), he said, “I’ll try my best.” Sure enough, when the class
resumed, his whole gang of friends were quiet. In fact, when one of them
started to talk, he asked him to keep quiet.
So, why did this strategy work? Most teachers would do the opposite and
yell at the kids for not paying attention. This would have created resentment
and even more rebellious behavior in them. Instead, I made the student feel
important and recognized by mentioning his leadership qualities and telling
him that I needed his help. He felt important that I recognized that he was in
a position (of power) he was able to help me by getting his friends to pay
attention.
From Street Delinquent to Star Facilitator
Let me give you an even more powerful example of how a parent or teacher
can positively activate a young person’s emotional buttons and unleash his
potential. I did this so successfully that a former street delinquent became
one of my most loyal program facilitators.
It happened like this. About two years ago, Marcus’s (not his real name)
Mother forced him to attend my ‘I Am Gifted, So Are You!’ Camps. At the
time, his mum was having lots of problems trying to control his behavior. He
would spend all his time gaming with his friends and he did return home
until late at night. He refused to listen to his Mum and would instead do
anything for his buddies. The last straw came when he was caught shop-
lifting with his friends (despite coming from a wealthy family), so his mum
sent him to me as a last resort.
When I had a chance to meet this boy, I found that he was actually a good
kid who just seemed misguided. It was obvious why he hated to go home
and why he refused to listen to his Mum’s nagging. The Mum had nothing
but criticisms, complaints and gripes about him. He could not have felt less
unimportant and unaccepted. Marcus had a strong desire to feel important
and that was why he hung around his friends all the time. Among them, he
was the great guy who was a hero in computer gaming.
During the course of my program, Marcus began to change his perspective

of life and started to gain a high level of self-confidence and self-respect. He
began making and mixing around with new friends – friends who had more
empowering beliefs and goals in life. What was also an important part of the
change process was when his mum attended my parents’ training and learnt
the importance of understanding her son’s emotions and reinforcing his self-
esteem.
What happened after the program was amazing. Marcus began to appreciate
and listen to the mother more and decided to focus on his studies and quit his
gaming habit.
When I heard about his progress, I invited Marcus to come back to my camp
and become one of my assistant coaches. The problem kid was now being
given the role of mentoring and motivating the new students. When Marcus
came back and was given this leadership role which required him to help
other students succeed, he felt absolutely great about himself. What really
touched him was when one of the participants’ parent actually thanked him
for helping their son change.
Since then, Marcus has returned to coach in my five-day camp for over six
times, sacrificing his school holidays to help other teens. So how can you
use the same strategy when dealing with your children?
In the chapter to come, you will learn specific techniques on how you can
gain your children’s cooperation and influence them by connecting with
their emotions. Let’s begin by learning how to fill our teenager’s
psychological love tank.
Chapter 5:
Nurturing High Self-Esteem and
Self-Confidence
It is every parents’ dream for their children to grow up to become happy and
successful adults. And of course we know that good academic grades are no
guarantee of that success. There are many intelligent people with good
academic qualifications who fail to succeed in life simply because they lack
the confidence and self-belief to pursue their dreams and to overcome
adversity. These qualities only come from having a high level of self-esteem.
In my training camp for teens and kids, I always emphasize that a child’s
self-esteem is truly the foundation on which their future success will be
built. Getting straight ‘A’s is of little use if they lack the self-esteem to bring
out the best in their abilities and to apply the knowledge that they have.
However, I have found sadly that many children suffer from a low sense of
self-esteem, and this is especially so in certain countries in Asia.
I train thousands of kids and teens every year from all over the world and the
difference in the level of self-esteem between kids of different cultures is
significant. For example, in Singapore, very few hands are raised when
lecturers ask for questions or for answers to questions. Many kids here are so
afraid of standing out or making mistakes that they dare not even participate.
Contrast this with students from the US where hands shoot up immediately
questions are asked. In fact, I remember, when I was studying in the NUS
(National University of Singapore), it was usually the foreigners who
volunteered to speak up while all the Singaporeans just kept silent.
This is one of the key reasons why many top jobs are given to Westerners. It
is for this reason that ‘Ang Mohs’ are generally perceived to be more
creative, more dynamic and much better communicators.
We certainly know that Asians are no less capable or intelligent, it is just

that many Asians lack the high level of self-esteem to ‘sell’ themselves like
their Western counterparts. As a result, we tend to lose out in getting
important job posts and promotions. I have found that whenever I conduct
job interviews with Asians and I ask them if they can do the job, the usual
response will be, “I think so… I’ll try my best.” When I pose the same
question to Westerners, I get answers like, “Of course! I am the right person
for the Job! I am a great team player and I believe I can deliver results…”
So, all things being equal, which person will impress you more? Obviously,
you would choose the person who seems a lot more confident and knows
how to sell himself. (If he can’t even sell himself, how can he sell your
product or your service!).
As a motivational and inspirational speaker, I again find that I am one of the

few East Asians in an industry that is dominated by Westerners. Again, the
sad fact is that many Asians have the knowledge and passion to share, but
lack the self-esteem to step up and speak out. So, if we really want to equip
our children with the necessary tools to become successful in school and in
life, then we must nurture in them a high sense of self-esteem.
What is Self-Esteem?
So what is self-esteem and why is it such a crucial factor to our child’s

success, happiness and well-being? Self-esteem is defined as a feeling of
being lovable and capable. Generally, kids who feel good about themselves
produce good results! They are also the problem solvers, and never the
trouble-makers.
Kids who have high self-esteem feel they get a lot of love from others and
they also love themselves – but not in a selfish, self-centred way. At the
same time, they feel a high level of confidence in their own abilities. They
have the “I Can Do It!” attitude.
For a child to have high-self esteem, all their five emotional needs like love,
acceptance, importance, recognition and independence must be met. They
must have a full love tank.
When a child feels that they are loved and learn to love themselves, they
would also want the very best for themselves. They would tend to set high
goals, have a strong sense of pride and would dare to participate and make
mistakes. At the same time, when they have the ‘I Can Do It!’ attitude, they
will have the confidence to bring out the best in themselves.
Self-Esteem Is A Feeling of
Being Lovable and Capable
Kids Who Feel Good About Themselves

Produce Good Results
The Low Self-Esteem Effect

Having a low sense of self-esteem can be extremely detrimental to a child’s
ability to achieve for ‘now’ and for the future. When a child has low self-
esteem, they will…
 Feel a low sense of self-worth (‘I hate myself,’ ‘I’m lousy,’ ‘I don’t
deserve to succeed…’)
 Feel a lack of love and acceptance from people around them (‘nobody
loves me anyway,’ ‘no one cares,’ ‘people hate me’)
 Have little confidence in their abilities as they believe that past mistakes
and failures mean that they are forever doomed to failure (‘I cannot do
it,’ ‘I’m not good enough’)
As a result, they will tend to exhibit the following behaviours:
1) They will not dare to set any goals for themselves as they don’t believe
that they are deserving, or can succeed.
2) They will keep to themselves and have a fear of participating, for fear of
failing and making mistakes. They have a fear of rejection from others.
3) They tend to be easily influenced by their peers, as they constantly need
to be acknowledged and validated by others.
4) They have a tendency to be highly sensitive and defensive, as they do not
feel okay with themselves.
5) They may even exhibit an indifferent and ‘I don’t give a damn’ attitude
because they feel helpless and powerless to change. They feel that they have
no control over their lives so they would rather go into a state of denial.
6) They also have a tendency to insult and put others down.
If your child/teen exhibits a number of these characteristics, then there is a
high possibility that she may be suffering from low self-esteem.
How to Raise A Child With LOW Self-Esteem

Children can develop a poor self-image of themselves by making

generalizations of their past behaviours and results. For example, if a child
keeps getting poor grades, he may start to develop a negative self-image that
he is stupid. However, we know that it may be because the child is not using
the right learning strategy or simply not putting in enough effort.
At the same time, when teens start making comparisons between themselves
and other kids who may be slimmer, prettier, more popular, stronger and
those who get better grades, they could start labeling themselves as being
inferior to others. We know that all children have their own unique strengths
and talents and the potential to be successful if they put their mind to it.
However, when they choose to focus only on their weakness and start
putting themselves down, they will begin to develop low self-esteem.
At the same time, we as parents also make a difference in how lovable and
capable our kids feel about themselves. The main cause of kids developing a
low self-esteem is when parents do the following…
1) Constantly focusing on Faults, Rather Than Strengths & Achievements
All children have faults as well as strengths and achievements. Some kids
develop very low self-esteem because their parents only focus on their faults
and remind them of it constantly! No words of praise or encouragement are
said when they do the right things. But the moment they do not perform up
to expectations, their parents will remind them of it.
Many of the teens and kids I train every year come in with low self-esteem
and when I see how their parents talk to them or in front of them, it is so
obvious why. Whenever I meet parents and their children at my introductory
seminar I would ask the parents, “How’s your son doing?” Without fail, the
parent would straight away point out all his faults, “He’s so lazy,” “The
teacher keeps complaining to me all the time,” “He cannot focus and keep
still,” “He is untidy…blah blah blah.”
No strengths are mentioned at all! Sure enough, as the parent is reading out a
list of all the things that are wrong with her son, the poor kid will be
standing with either his eyes rolling up (fed-up) or head bowed down
(ashamed/embarrassed). Imagine if your boss kept repeating your faults and
mistakes to your clients, how would that make you feel?
I am not saying that we should ignore our child’s faults. In fact we need to
give them immediate feedback about what they can improve on – but in a
nurturing way! At the same, we also need to remind the kids of what is great
about them and what they do. There are always ‘good points’ and ‘flaws’ in
every child (and ourselves too). If we choose to focus on what’s great about
them, in time we will bring out the best in them. However, if we keep
focusing on what’s lousy about them we will bring out the worst in them.
Let me relate another incident to you. I had a 13-year-old student teenager
Mark who recently attended my five-day ‘ I Am Gifted!’ program. I must
say that he was one of the most participative and enthusiastic students I have
had.
During the camp, Mark would keep volunteering to answer questions and he
even diligently copied down everything I said, filling up his entire notebook.
On the last day, he ran over to his mum, enthusiastically showed her all the
notes he had drawn and said, “Mum look at all the new things I have learnt!”
All the mum could say was, “Why is your handwriting so messy again?” It
was so apparent why that child experienced such low self-esteem before
coming to the camp and why he only ‘opened up’ when a positive and
encouraging environment was created for him.
2) Criticizing, Condemning & labeling
What makes it worse is when parents criticize, condemn and even label a
child for her mistakes.
“There you go again, You are so forgetful”
‘You are always so irresponsible! What’s wrong with you?’
This is not the most useful way of telling a child her mistakes as the child
will feel rejected, lousy and develop into the label which is being reinforced.
So, the more you remind your child that she is ‘lazy,’ the more she will see
herself as s lazy kid and behave consistently with that self-image.
3) Putting Down Their Achievements
If someone were to pay a compliment to your child in front of you, how

would you usually respond? For example, if someone were to say, “I heard
your son did very well for his exams, he must be very smart,” what would
you say?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Is your usual reaction to agree with the compliment or to dismiss it? I have
found that Western parents tend to respond in the following ways, “I
know…he puts in a lot of effort” or “thank you.” One of the greatest boosts
to a child’s self-esteem is when he is praised or acknowledged by others,
especially in front of his parents. By accepting the compliment, you are
reinforcing it even more.
Some Asian parents on the other hand have a habit of dismissing the
compliment or bringing up flaws the child may have. The usual response
would be, “No lah! He was just lucky,” “Yes, but he still makes a lot of
mistakes.”
Why do some parents do this? Well, culturally Asians are taught to be

humble and believe that praising the child will lead to ‘overconfidence’ or
‘egoism’, so we tend to swing to the other extreme. All this leads to a society
of young adults who think very lowly of themselves and who feel
uncomfortable to talk about their strengths and abilities in front of others. In
the competitive and global educational and corporate environment of today,
young adults who lack the self-esteem to sell themselves to their clients,
bosses or universities during interviews will be at the losing end.
4) Negative Programming Through Negative Self-Talk

Let me give you another scenario. Imagine your son (3 to 4 years-old) runs
towards a ladder and starts climbing up, what would your usual reaction and
response be?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Many Asian parents (who tend to be over-protective) would start yelling,
“Get down! Do you want to fall?”, “ Break your leg…then you will know!”
While it is important that we must ensure that our kids don’t endanger
themselves and teach them about safety, this approach will only destroy their
self-confidence and instill a fear in them of doing anything new or

challenging. By constantly telling them that they will fall if they start
climbing, we are in fact programming the child to learn that he will fall if he
attempts to climb any ladder of life!
Some parents on the other hand (especially in the Western culture), would
respond very differently. They would say, “That’s right son, you can do it!
Go for it!”. At the same time a safety conscious parent would put his hands
behind the child to ensure that he is safe.
The High Self-Esteem Effect

What happens when our children have a high level of self-esteem? When
children/teens have high self-esteem, they will…
 Feel that they are loved, accepted, trusted and validated by the people
they care about, especially their parents.
 Have a high level of self-love and self-acceptance. Because they love
themselves, they often want the best for themselves and believe that they
deserve it.
 Have the ‘I Can Do It!’ attitude. They will have the self-belief that they
can do well in whatever they put their mind to.
As a result, they will tend to exhibit the following behaviours:
1) They will set high standards for themselves as they believe that they
deserve the best in life. They will want to get the best grades, get into the
best schools and achieve the very best in whatever they do.
2) They will dare to participate and speak up. They will dare to make
mistakes and are able to handle rejection. These are the kids who will
volunteer to become student leaders, volunteer to help others, try out for
school plays and raise their hands in class.
3) They will be more likely to think independently rather than be swayed by
peer pressure. They will dare to say ‘No’ when asked to do things that are
against their values and do not feel the need to be constantly validated by
their peers.
4) They tend to encourage and help others and they adopt a win-win attitude
in life. (Only a person with self confidence is in a position to assist and
manage others whether in school or in the corporate world.)
Strategies to Build High Self Esteem

I believe that it is possible for any parent to raise kids to have a high level of
self-esteem - if they know how.
The good news is that even if our kids are already in their late teens and
have a history of low self-esteem, we can still make a big difference if we
start right now.
Over the last 15 years, I have had the great satisfaction of seeing how
wayward teenagers completely turned their lives around when they learned
how to love and believe in themselves. At the same time, I see the positive
ripple effect these wayward-turned-good young people have on those around
them, especially their families.
Here are a few proven strategies that you can use to nurture a high level of
self-esteem in your children.
1) Communicate Your Unconditional Love
I believe that the fact that you are spending the time to read this book only
means that you love your child very much. Again the challenge is that many
parents lack the knowledge of how to COMMUNICATE their love in a
language that their child understands. Although we may do a hundred things
out of love for our kids (like sending them to school, giving them money,
buying them toys, bringing them on overseas holidays and to expensive
restaurants), many children actually feel unloved and rejected.
Parents who I counsel often get a shock when they hear their child say that
they don’t feel that they (the parents) love them. “How can you think that!?
After everything that I have done for you!” the parents would usually say.
I would then have to explain that kids perceive love very differently. For
example, when you scold them out of love and concern, they may instead
perceive it that you dislike, even hate them and want to control their lives.
This is especially so when you keep reminding your children/teen how much
money they are costing you to feed and upkeep, making them feel that you
resent the responsibility.
If we want to fill our child’s love tank, then we must learn how to
communicate our love in THEIR language. There are five strategies I would
like to share with you. They are a) using words of praise, b) using words of
affection, c) physical affirmations and d) spending quality time and e)
sharing a quality conversation.
Be aware that all kids are different and hence would respond differently to
the different ways you communicate your love to them. For example, words
of praise may work very well for one kid while physical affirmations (hugs
and kisses) may work better with another.
Also, don’t be discouraged if they don’t respond to you immediately. If there
is already a strain in your relationship, changing your strategy overnight
won’t create a miracle. It may take time to re-build the bonds of love and
trust.
a) Using Words of Praise

One of the most powerful ways to communicate and fill our children’s love
tank is by using words to affirm them. A single word can completely change
a child’s mindset, emotions and behaviours.
While most parents tend to focus on catching their kids doing wrong things,
effective parents focus on catching their kids doing great things and making
them feel great about it. They reinforce their child’s positive behaviour
through words of praise and encouragement. They believe in focusing on
strengths and accomplishments first and correcting mis-behaviour later.
Effective parents understand that when a child feels loved and capable, they
will be more open to listening and to change their weaknesses, when they
arise.
Here are some examples of how to communicate your love through words of
praise:
‘You did a great job on that essay!’

‘ I really appreciate you helping me tidy the room’

‘ Thanks for setting the dinner table.’
‘I am very proud of the effort you are putting into your studies’.
There are two important points to note when praising our children. First, be
sincere with your praise. Don’t say that something is done well when it was
obviously not. Kids are not stupid and when they suspect that you are just
praising for the sake of it, they would not feel good about it at all.
The second point is to praise a specific EFFORT or RESULT you observe

than praising their character. Studies have shown that when parents (or
teachers) give praise to a child’s character (e.g. “you are really smart,” “you
are very creative” etc…), the child will have a tendency to doubt the person
praising or the praise itself.
Instead, praise the specific effort or result that you observe. For example,
you could simply say, “I see that you are putting many hours into studying
for your test” or “It’s very thoughtful of you to help set up the table for
dinner” or “ It was really nice of you to help your brother with his Maths.”
b. Using Words of Affection

While ‘Words of Praise’ focuses on the child’s positive behaviour, ‘Words

of Affection’ focuses on how lovable they are ‘as a person’ and
communicates your love directly to them.
These words of affection would mean a lot to your children:
‘I love you.’ ‘I love being with you.’

‘I am proud to be your father/ mother’
‘You are very special to me’
It is very important to use ‘Words of Affection’ to communicate your

unconditional love and faith in your kids. Many parents give their kids the
impression that their love is conditional. Many kids feel that their parents
love them only if… they behave, only if…they get good grades and only
if…they do as they say.
However, for children to really feel loved and secure they need to know that
you love them…no matter what. So, even when you are reprimanding them
for what they have done, tell that you love them no matter what they do.
Never ever tie your love to their behaviour, if you do your love will always
be shallow to them.
It is also important to communicate your faith in them as a person. That no
matter how badly they are behaving or performing today, you have absolute
faith that they can and will succeed. The moment our child feels that we
have lost faith in them, it will be very difficult for them to have faith in
themselves.
Here is an example of how a parent communicates his unconditional love
and faith for his child, while reprimanding his behaviour.
For example, you could say, “I am angry and disappointed that you lied
about doing your homework! You are my son and I love you no matter
what happens. Yet, I feel very hurt when you behave in such a manner.
I know that you are a good son and won’t let it happen again. Right
now, you have to finish all your homework before you can go out this
weekend.”
When we put our faith and trust in our kids, it is more likely they will do
whatever it takes to live up to it.
c) Physical Affirmations
It has been proven that only 7% of all communication is made up of spoken

words, while 93% of our communication comes from our body language. So
besides what we say, a lot of the love (or lack of love) comes from our own
body language. Do you often frown or smile at your kids? Are your arms
open or folded when you are speaking to them.
Physical affirmations are also a power non-verbal way to communicate our

love to our children. This includes:
 Giving them a hug
 Kissing them (on the cheek)
 Giving them a pat on the back or a high-five
 Holding their arm gently or holding hands
 Rubbing their shoulders or affectionately messing their hair
One of the most powerful ways to communicate our affection is when we

hold their hand or touch their shoulders gently as we use words of affection
or praise.
However, as you express any kind of physical affection, do be aware of three

important points:
 Avoid hugging or kissing your teenage children in front of their peers.
Nothing embarrasses or freaks them out more! This totally violates their
emotional need to look ‘cool’ and independent’.
 Take note of the mood they are in. Sometimes, when teens even kids are
in a bad mood, touching them could create a negative reaction. In fact,
when some teens are feeling depressed and angry, touching them would
not be a good idea as it tends to make them feel ‘controlled’ when all
they need is some time to sort out their own problems.
 Some children do not feel comfortable with certain types of physical
touch. The kind of physical affirmation that makes them feel loved is
based very much on their personal preference. And this preference
changes as they grow older
For example, older kids and teens may feel comfortable when you give
them a pat on the back but not a kiss (which they may have enjoyed as a
young child). So don’t feel angry or rejected if they pull away from you.
d) Spending Quality Time
Spending quality time with our kids is one of the most powerful ways of
communicating emotional love. Giving our children quality time is to give
them our undivided attention.
In today’s fast paced world and hectic schedules, it is becoming increasingly

difficult for many parents to spend quality time with their kids. Out of guilt,
many parents make up for it by buying their children games, toys and giving
them more money. Not only does this act as a poor substitute for the
importance of a parent’s time, it creates a bigger problem by spoiling the
child. When children are given everything they want, they will soon lack the
hunger for success and develop an attitude that everyone (especially their
parents) owes them a living.
So no matter how busy you are or how tired you feel after a long day at the
office, spend at least an hour or two of quality time everyday with your
children. Again, quality time means giving our kids our undivided attention
and having a quality conversation. Watching television together, going
shopping (in the din of shopping malls and distraction of material goodies)
does not count as having spent quality time at all. Even each one doing their
own thing in the same room is not spending quality time together.
e) Sharing a Quality Conversation
One of the keys to spending quality time is by having a quality conversation.

A quality conversation is when both parent and child are free to share their
thoughts, feelings and experiences without fear of criticism, judgment or
advice. It involves speaking WITH our kids (like we do with a friend) than
speaking AT them.
Here are some important points to note if you truly want to have a quality
conversation with your child, one where both parties walk away feeling
much closer and loved than before.
First of all you need to have regular time reserved for quality conversations
– the evening meal is the best. When you do not have such regular sharing
and you tell your teen – “ You must have a talk, “ it sounds almost like a
threat. That’s what happens when the teacher says, “ I need to talk to you
after class.” So do create opportunities for regular quality conversations.
2) Give Them The Opportunity to Share Their Achievements

On of the best ways to teach children how to build up their self-confidence
and self-worth is to give them the opportunity to acknowledge and share
their achievements.
A great way to do this is to make it into a family activity where parents and
children take turns to share something they have done that they are proud of
and then to give the other family members the chance to appreciate their
achievements.
In this activity, each family member can throw a ball and take turns
completing the sentence, ‘One thing that I did today that I am proud of is…’
It does not have to be a big achievement. Even something as simple as
‘making a new friend’ would suffice. All of us yearn to be acknowledged
and appreciated and this exercise allows everyone to fill their ‘importance
and recognition tank.
(This teaches our children how to feel good about themselves and
acknowledge their own strengths and achievements. We definitely do not
want our kids to be egotistical or conceited, but to develop a healthy respect
for their own self-worth.
3) Give Positive Labels

While many parents fall into the habit of giving their kids negative labels
like, ‘You are so forgetful,’ ‘You are irresponsible’ or ‘You are dumb,’
highly effective parents find opportunities to give their kids positive labels,
thereby helping them to develop a positive self-image.
For example, if you see your child studying, you could say, “You’re putting
in a lot of hard work preparing for your test, that’s what I call discipline.”
After a while, the child will develop a positive self-image that he is a
disciplined person.
Giving our children POSTIVE LABELS and IDENTITIES are also powerful
as our children will do their best to live up to these labels.
4) Write Notes of Appreciation
Another way of expressing words of affection and praise is to write your
children notes of appreciation. In fact, you can make it a family culture
where members write notes of encouragement to each other regularly. These
are called ‘I appreciate you because…’ notes and they have worked really
well in my training programs. The kids always feel really great after each of
these activities.
By teaching our children how to write notes of appreciation to the people
around them (to their teachers, friends and YES, their maids), it implicitly
teaches them about the importance of gratitude and appreciating others.
5) Keep Success Journals
Another great way to teach your kids how to raise their self-esteem is to get
them to keep a success journal where they regularly record their personal
achievements and victories. Remember that it starts off with us as parents
doing the same thing. The family can then share their success journal
regularly – say at the Sunday meal.
6) Remind Children They Have the Power to Choose and Change

Many teens have low self-esteem because they feel that they have little or no
control over their lives. Many feel that it is the ‘lousy teacher,’ ‘the tough
subject’ or their ‘laziness’ that is stopping them from succeeding.
Remind your kids that they have the power to choose. No matter what kind
of teacher or friends they have, they ultimately have the choice of how they
choose to respond to the challenges around them. Reinforce the concept that
‘For things to change, they must change first.’ Teach them the power of
taking RESPONSIBILITY and OWNERSHIP versus BLAMING.
When children feel that they are in control of their outcomes and have the
power to change, they will have a higher level of self-esteem.
7) Celebrate Their Success
When our kids make a major accomplishment like scoring an ‘A’ for a test,
winning a sports event or getting elected as a class leader, celebrate their
success with them. Make their victory a ‘family victory’ so they feel that
they are part of a team. This does not mean having to buy them expensive
gifts, but it could be getting the whole family to go out for a special
celebration dinner.
So there you have it…seven strategies that you can use immediately to begin
building your child’s self-esteem. Remember that no technique can provide a
quick fix remedy. It takes lots of consistent effort and patience for results to
be seen, especially if the child is currently experiencing a low level of self-
esteem. Don’t lose faith! With enough hard work, you will make an
invaluable impact in your child’s life. I hope that this chapter has proven
valuable to you.
Conclusion
I hope this ebook has helped you to better understand your children’s
mindset and has also given you some useful strategies to nurture them to
their fullest potential.
I believe that with your love and support, your child will be able to develop
the self-confidence and motivation to excel in their school and beyond the
classroom as well.
Over the last 12 years, my team and I have had the privilege of mentoring
thousands of students around the world through our ‘I Am Gifted’! Camps,
Teenage Leadership Programmes and the Adam Khoo Learning Centres. I
have had the privilege of seeing students, who were previously disheartened,
rekindle their self-worth, motivation and drive for success. All I did was to
show them how great they were and equip them with essential life skills and
effective learning strategies. I am convinced that every child can be a
successful and happy child, regardless of their background and past results.
If you would like to find out more about our life-changing ‘I Am Gifted’
Camps for students as well as our Adam Khoo Learning Centre Enrichment
courses, do visit us at
www.empoweringyouth.com.sg and www.aklc.com
I wish you all the very best to achieving your financial goals and look
forward to seeing you in our live seminars. If you have any questions, you
can drop me an email at adam@akltg.com.
Adam Khoo

Nurturing The Winner Genius Within

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www.iamgifted.com.

Nurturing The Winner

About Adam Khoo

He holds an Honours Degree in Business

He is the Best-Selling Author of 13 Books Including, ‘I Am Gifted, So Are You!’,

Chapter 1: The Power to Shape Your Child’s

Chapter 2: Paradigms of Highly Effective Parents

Chapter 3: How to Empower Your Child to

Chapter 4: The Five Emotions That Drive Teens

Chapter 5: Nurturing High Self-Esteem & Self-

Tapping memories/experiences of our own teenage years and how our

Loving Them Is Not Enough… We Need Strategies

Understanding Their Dreams and Wants

As parents, it is easy for us to know what we want from them. However, in

When I show this list to parents in my ‘Transformational Parents

Highly effective parents know that understanding and utilizing their

1. To become a successful person

Nagging, criticizing, complaining, threatening and punishing will certainly

Understand Their Real Problems – before trying to solve them

Did you write down some of the following?

 Lazy – always procrastinates

Solving the ‘Root Cause’ Versus the ‘Symptoms’

Cause 1: He studied hard and still failed. Therefore he concludes that

Cause 2: He is constantly getting picked on by his teachers in school and

Cause 4: He is suffering from a relationship break up that his parents are

Why I Wrote This Book

Parents Make the Greatest Difference!

Below is an email that was sent to me by one of the graduates from my ‘I

You Have the Magic to Create Change

Therefore, if we want our kids to have positive attitudes and behavior, we

Son: Mum, please do not call my friends losers or stupid ok?

Son: Mum, you don’t understand what I am going through.

Mum: Then talk to me. Make me understand.

If we want our children to open up to us, and listen to us willingly, then we

“Studying is a waste of time!”

Here are some typical responses of parents…

Child says: Studying is a waste of time

Respect their Model of the World Before Changing It

Before we can successfully influence a person to change their views and

We can do this by using statements like:

Here is an example of how a parent can respond by first respecting his

Child says: Studying is a waste of time

Child says: Studying is a waste of time

The technique of artfully changing a person’s attitudes and perceptions

Paradigm 3: For Things To Change, I Must Change First

When I run preview workshops for my ‘Superkids’ and ‘I Am Gifted, So

I discovered that ineffective parents have the ‘Victim’s Paradigm’. They

Highly Effective parents operate from a very different paradigm. They

1) The Parent With the ‘Victim’ Paradigm

2) The Parent With the ‘Take Charge’ Paradigm

Victim Paradigm Take Charge Paradigm

Whenever I share this powerful concept in my parenting seminars, some

Paradigm 4: I Am The Primary Role Model for My Children

During one of my ‘Patterns of Excellence’ workshops (for working

Give your teen an opportunity to learn by watching you in action. For

Paradigm 5: There is No Failure. Only Feedback

Successful people know that ‘failing’ is an important part of the learning

Paradigm 6: The Greater Your Flexibility, the More Successful