Rosettes Are Red: A Political Memoir

By
Susan Byron

Tel: 07821 438 164

Email: susanbyron956@gmail.com
 Cast of Characters
Algernon Morris: Played by Roderick
Rick Marshall: Played by William
 ACT I
Scene 1
Roderick is sitting on stage, his upper half
obscured by a broadsheet newspaper. William sits
opposite him, as if they were at a gentleman
member’s club. His face is also hidden by the
newspaper he is immersed in.
Roderick lowers his newspaper, folds it neatly and
addresses the audience.
RODERICK
I surprise people, I know I do. When they meet me for
the first time, they are polite, even deferential. Then
they go away and tell their friends, in incredulous
tones:
’He has charm. Of all the things - and I wasn’t
expecting it - he charmed me.’

Of course I did, it’s part of the job. Or it was.

You may have seen in the papers, the words ’crushing’
and ’defeat’ linked like an unhappy bride and groom.
Yes, I was voted out and it was a defeat but I was not
crushed by it.

William lowers his newspaper and looks at Roderick

passively.
It was an abrupt departure...such is the nature of
elections.

William turns to the audience.

WILLIAM
Westminster is a foreign country; they do things
differently there. When ordinary people leave their
jobs, they hand in their laptops and get a P45. When
politicians leave - abruptly - they write their memoirs
and chair Have I Got News For You.
RODERICK
I turned them down. I don’t think I’d enjoy their
company.

WILLIAM
Just the memoirs, then.
RODERICK
Yes...it’s a project, it is rather absorbing me at the
moment.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

WILLIAM
You’ve already started?
RODERICK
I think its fair to say I’ve made several false starts.
I was on holiday last month, and - looking out over
those parched Italian vineyards - I wrote four
different versions of Chapter 1. My poor wife had to
listen to all of them.
WILLIAM
What did she say?
RODERICK
It was more what she didn’t say.
WILLIAM
Ah...but I imagine the material must be quite familiar
to her. Or it should be.
RODERICK
Yes, it is.

WILLIAM
Ideally, you are telling your readers things they don’t
already know.
RODERICK
You are a keen memoir reader?

WILLIAM
You could say that...Actually, I’m writing one.
RODERICK
You have a story to tell?

WILLIAM
We all have at least one story.
RODERICK
I’m Algernon. Algernon Morris.
WILLIAM
(reaching to extend a handshake)
Rick Marshall - nice to meet you.

RODERICK
Rick - Rick Marshall? We are due to meet on Thursday!
WILLIAM
Algernon...of course! My apologies - I ought have
remembered -

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

RODERICK
- Not at all! A pleasure - gosh, we could - but you
won’t want to discuss business now -

WILLIAM
We are already discussing it -
RODERICK
No, it doesn’t feel proper. To talk about ghostwriting
-
WILLIAM
Not too loud!
RODERICK
(voice dropping to a whisper)
Ghost-writing - here, at the club...I think we should
just -
They snap up their papers and resume reading in
silence.
(from behind his paper, talking at
normal volume)
Until Thursday.
Silence.
I just have one question - if you don’t mind -

WILLIAM
Oh lets just get on with it.
Newspapers tossed aside - but each man does it
differently.
(speaking rapidly, sales patter)
With a comprehensive package, I do a series of one-hour
interviews over the course of six weeks, then write the
thing - usual turn-around is three months - before
presenting you with the first draft. Dates to be agreed
in advance.
RODERICK
You do everything?
WILLIAM
If it is creative freedom you’re hankering for, you
might prefer the second-tier package. It is a much more
limited service - I will do the editing and make
suggestions but the actual production is down to you.
That one I call ’a hand up, not a hand out’.

RODERICK
I have done a plan, the story arc if you like. I’ve
made a lot of notes. They’re not with me - they’re all
around the house in fact -

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

WILLIAM
Do you talk about the economy?
RODERICK
I was an economist - so I do mention it, yes.

WILLIAM
Just a little tip - and I say this to all my clients at
the outset - if you must go into the banking crisis,
please keep it brief. It’s getting very old now. Very
dull.

RODERICK
I appreciate that, I really do. This is not a book
about quantitive easing, it is the story of one
man’s...struggle.

And it has a title already.

WILLIAM
Publishers get funny about titles, its best not to try
anything too fancy.

RODERICK
Its a title that I like and will be defending with my
life, if necessary. Keep it yourself, but -
(announcing it)
Rosettes Are Red: A Political Memoir.

WILLIAM
Have you got any others?
RODERICK
What’s wrong with that?

WILLIAM
Just sounds a bit Soviet, that’s all.
There is a question I have to ask. Is your political
career really, completely over?

RODERICK
Yes.
WILLIAM
Good. Its a requirement for any serious-minded
memoirist, because there is nothing more final
than...the final chapter.
RODERICK
Metaphorically speaking.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

WILLIAM
But before we get to those closing paragraphs, or even
the opening ones, we need to think about your
individual brand. There are a range of options - there
is the beleaguered underdog, favoured by Nick Clegg.

Or the indulged old guard, replete with booze and jazz

tunes - see Ken Clarke.
Or an ordinary man in extraordinary times and places.
Ed Balls.

RODERICK
I don’t like those ideas at all. This is a story of a
man fighting for his principles, of victories and
not-quite-achieved victories.

It’s a story of helping people - out of poverty and

into jobs -
WILLIAM
I’ve spoken to my publisher about this - we’re not
doing ’hero’ narratives right now - I don’t know if
you’ve been into a cinema lately, but Marvel has it
covered. So no saving people.
RODERICK
With all due respect, if I’ve made a difference in a
few people’s lives, I want a record of that, without it
being reduced to - as you describe it - a ’hero
narrative’. I’m not going to pretend my own
achievements did not happen.
WILLIAM
All I’m saying is that I’ve seen draft memoirs, from
others of your ilk, and they believe they’re saving
people.
RODERICK
Some people need saving.

WILLIAM
And I just think it takes more than one man to do that.
There is something else. Look, when I work with
clients, I often ask them - not to shoot the messenger.
(Roderick is slightly bewildered by
this)
I’m the messenger. I have to deliver what I call
’impressionist truths’, which - disclaimer! - may only
be true in the moment.

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

WILLIAM (cont’d)
Such is the transient nature of truth.
RODERICK
Impressionist truths?! Does this have something to do
with the French painters?

WILLIAM
Everything to do with them - inspired by them in fact.
Even post-Brexit, I advertise my Gallic influences
without embarrassment.
(confiding tone)
I don’t think the French are the issue.
(resuming)
It was Monet who said ’Impressionism is only direct
sensation’. And it is immediate, sometimes violent
sensation that guides me through the complexity and
confusion of current times.

I’ve never seen SW10 so divided.

RODERICK
I can assure you, Islington is worse. Was that your
message?

WILLIAM
Give me a chance. And remember - don’t shoot. Your
special truth - highly relevant to the writing of a
smashing memoir - is that, far from seeing you as a
hero, people blame you.

’Rosettes are Red’? They’ll wonder why your book isn’t

called ’In The Red - I Can Explain’.
RODERICK
They’re not going to want to read about money - you
said so yourself, it’s boring.
WILLIAM
That’s a conundrum, I admit. That’s why it’s so
important to make them aware of your fallible human
side. The aim is to replace their feelings of
frustration with empathy and kinship.
Suggest that you made mistakes at every turn. From
tedious speeches to jokes that fall flat, fill the book
with episodes of failure and humiliation. That’s ’the
real you’.

It will be sure to win them over!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

RODERICK
The real me is not a bumbling fool.
WILLIAM
That may be the case but your readers won’t have it any
other way.

RODERICK
Perhaps us working together would not be the most
effective arrangement.

WILLIAM
If you don’t want to work with me, there are plenty who
do, after the Brexit fallout, and then the Labour
fallout...and there will another fallout before long.
The phone does not stop ringing.

RODERICK
Really...like who?
WILLIAM
Ring ring. Ring ring.

RODERICK
Michael Gove hasn’t called, has he?
WILLIAM
No he hasn’t.

Of course I’m being adversarial. It’s the only way that

works.
RODERICK
You’re telling me.

WILLIAM
My job is to write about your job, to document an
unusually defensive work history with statements such
as ’I wasn’t in the room at the time’ and ’my team’s
budget was cut’ and ’we passed each other in the
corridors but never spoke’.
RODERICK
What you’re calling a work history was my life for
twenty-two years.

WILLIAM
They are work stories and could be heard in any
workplace.
RODERICK
But for some reason, no-one is quite as interested in
’Memoirs Of A Store Manager’.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

They’ll pick up my book because they want to know who I

am. And I can explain -
That if I had little doubts, about a policy or a
debate, I could not show them, and I could not share
them. And the little doubts would grow into bigger
doubts and I still couldn’t share them. It is called
collective ministerial responsibility.
WILLIAM
I know.

RODERICK
It is about maintaining confidence. No-one wants
nerves...anxiety. Panic.
A clown runs on stage left and exits stage right.
Both William and Roderick see it.

WILLIAM
Did you see that?
RODERICK
See what?

The thing about panic is it spreads like a virus, and

it debilitates.
WILLIAM
These are the more complicated ideas...it’s anecdotes
that they’ll be looking for.
RODERICK
You said it should be called ’I Can Explain’. I am
explaining - that sometimes these doubts - the ones
that didn’t get raised - turned into things going
wrong. Which doesn’t make for great anecdotes.
WILLIAM
I understand. Listen, this has been very interesting
but I’ve got to go - I feel terribly rude to break it
off here - let me know if you’re still on for
Thursday’s meeting.
They shake hands.
Let me know tomorrow.

William exits.
RODERICK
If one wants to change things, then past dusty files,
boxes and papers, through obstinate human nature and
alongside seemingly immortal tradition, there must be
...daring footsteps forward.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

Sometimes they are quiet, silent footsteps, without the

fanfare of noisy words.
In some small ways, I took those steps. I just don’t
know if it was enough.

But now I have some free time and I’m going to enjoy
it.
He begins to walk away then stops for a moment.
I’ve been thinking about going on Strictly.

END OF SHORT