Assignment 2 - Why is our self critical music more prevalent?

SOCPSY 2C03

Bharti Bhardwaj

400132858

Dr. David Penner

March 27, 2022

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For the better part of my life, I have compared myself to others. These were people I

envied, because they always had something I did not. They usually had a few things in common;

they looked a certain way, they had a lot of money, friends, and freedom. The biggest thing I

envied was their freedom - at least, my perceived level of it. I believed they didn’t have to worry

about being self conscious, and therein lies the aspect of freedom. I believed this because

external parties such as our peers, parents, teachers and others accepted and praised these people.

They fit societal expectations. I would often hear, “You should aspire to be like her, she does so

well in school.” Traits such as smartness and being sociable were admired because they were

idolized in our culture and the media. This became the expectation of who you should be. I also

grew up in the era of social media and, dare I say, in the most progressive generation yet.

Through it, I quickly realized that I was not the only one who envied other people, sought

comfort in openly admitting to my flaws and challenged any expectations that others had of me. I

achieved the confidence to verbalize these flaws because of singers who were more honest and

self critical in their music. It felt more acceptable for me to do so. The same media and culture

that taught me who I should aspire to be, was now teaching me that I did not have to be perfect,

because the people I envied (like celebrities), weren’t either. I think this is a huge reason why

such music is popular. Musicians, like us, are becoming increasingly aware of how the

expectation to be “perfect” can do more harm than good. The pressure to live up to societal

expectations weighs on us, as we all have flaws, and we feel empowered when we are open and

honest about them. This protects us from feeling like we are a disappointment to others, because

of our need for approval.

In the identity music zoom lecture, the concept of “freedom” was mentioned. We do not

feel free, because “what we have been taught about being our best self, maybe isn’t working”
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(Penner, 2022). I agree with this idea, that we do not feel free because of certain expectations

imposed on us. However, I will also add that it largely has something to do with wanting to

appease others as well. I argue, we have a strong aversion to the feeling of disappointment from

those that matter to us. We do not feel free when we feel we have to live up to certain

expectations to avoid disappointment, because we want societal approval - and living up to these

expectations forces us to be someone we are not. Every person I have met in my life, even the

ones who claim they do not care about what others think, always had at least one person in their

life whose approval they sought. If it wasn’t another person, it was God, or some other influence

in their life. Either way, people naturally want to feel accepted. Feeling like you disappointed

someone contradicts the feeling of being accepted. “Feeling” is the operative word here, as I

acknowledge that being disappointed in someone may not necessarily mean you do not accept

them. However, it certainly may feel that way to the person you are disappointed in. They want

positive reinforcement for their behaviour, and when that is not given, they may not feel

comfortable to be themselves in that environment. There is no sense of belonging in a space they

want to feel a part of.

When we disappoint our parents, we, or at least I, feel like our relationship is threatened.

If I do something wrong, there is emotional distance between me and them. They are my role

models, and therefore people I look up to and want to feel accepted by. For the most part of my

life, I was submissive when it came to them, my teachers, or anyone who played an authoritative

figure in my life. If they expected me to behave a certain way, I would, because I knew it would

make them happy with me. Deep down however, I was not happy. I had to stop and ask myself

why I was not questioning tradition and following their expectations blindly. The implicit and

explicit expectations they imposed on me to be a certain way eventually weighed on me

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emotionally. I felt angry as a result. I was not living in a way that honored my most authentic self

- and if I did, it would be at the expense of my parents', teachers’ and society’s approval. I

wanted to feel like I belonged, and that who I was at my core, was worthy of being accepted and

appreciated. I did not want pity. I just wanted to end the feeling of having to be a perfect

child/student/sister, when deep down, I was not. This need for approval was my lack of freedom

with my identity because I would aspire to live up to a person that I did not feel I was.

By verbalizing my “imperfections” to those who placed expectations on me, I was able to

fuel the feeling of being free. “Mom, dad, I am not the submissive girl who likes to stay in for the

sake of ‘honoring my family’. I am not your ‘smartest’ child. I will not stay quiet if one of our

relatives says something offensive in our home just to avoid awkwardness. You cannot expect me

to be who you hoped I would be.” Admittedly, this conversation did not go smoothly the first

time it happened. However, when I was openly “self-critical” much like the music discussed in

our identity music lecture, I felt liberated. With this self-criticism and honesty, I felt like I

removed a wall of expectations that were imposed on me that inhibited my ability to live

authentically. A part of me still wanted, and does want, my parents' approval. However, they

know not to expect certain things from me. Overtime, they have accepted that I may not be who

they envisioned me to be when I was born. This significantly reduced the possibility of them

expressing disappointment in me, as I challenged their expectations. They now had new

expectations from me which were more aligned with who I was. Overtime, they started to accept

the reality of this new persona.

Our identity music lecture showcased Halsey’s song as an example of someone who does

not want her fans to consider her a “legend” as she refers to herself as a fraud (Penner, 2022). I

find this type of music refreshing in a sea of songs that strive to promote an image of materialism
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and perfection. Such music is honest and allows listeners to feel more like their flaws are normal,

and that they are not alone. Someone else has these flaws and is open about them. If a famous

singer is honest about who they are, why should I feel bad about myself? If Halsey is accepting

of her flaws, I feel like I am accepted too, because I am much like her. While I appreciate such

music, there can definitely be a fine line between being self critical and aware versus being self

deprecating. I do not think there is harm in thinking highly of yourself. I also believe that it is

healthy to acknowledge and accept your shortcomings. There are extremes to both situations.

When I think about some of the music portrayed in the identity music lecture, such as “Up” by

Cardi B, there is significant implication that she is better than those who do not own a

Balenciaga, or a Birkin bag (“all you b**ches f**ked”) (Penner, 2022). Admittedly, I enjoy this

song. It is catchy. I do however think that the influence of such music makes others feel like they

have to live up to be a certain type of person in order to feel accepted, because the opposite of

said person, would be frowned upon, much like in this song. They would not feel accepted by

others, and therefore feel like a disappointment. On the other hand, music can absolutely be

self-deprecating and unhealthy. There isn’t a song from this lecture that I would reference as an

example, as I found many of them quite empowering. The key point I am making is balance. By

adding normalcy to the way we feel and live, even if it is not perfect, creates a sense of

belonging for us. Feeling connected to other people and having the reassurance that we are

deserving of being loved and accepted even if we do not aspire to be a certain type of person is

important to us. We thrive on having relationships with others, and feeling like we belong is a

huge part of this. When other people, even rich, famous, powerful celebrities are open and honest

about the same flaws we have, we enable a culture of acceptance. This is conveyed through
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self-critical music, which I find empowering and liberating, similar to what was suggested in the

lecture about Lizzo’s song (Penner, 2022).

In the age of social media, I feel it has become much easier to pay more attention to what

is offered to us, in terms of who we are told to be. This is especially true now that we are in a

pandemic and have more time to pay attention to such things, similar to the point made in the

identity music lecture (Penner, 2022). The more we scroll through our social media feeds, the

more we feel like we have to portray a version of ourselves that fits what others would like of us.

Seeing likes and positive comments on posts that all have things in common sends us the

message that this is what most people admire in others. If we do not achieve that image, we lack

our sense of belonging and approval from others. It is, however, also much easier to verbalize

such feelings online. The power of being behind a screen and anonymity allows users to express

themselves and the weight that societal expectations have on them. People are more willing to

admit to their own flaws and foster a sense of normalcy towards them, and challenge the burden

of societal expectations. Being self critical and honest takes the power away from feeling

trapped, and being pressured to live in a certain way because we are telling others to stop seeing

us as people who need to be perfect. If we own up to our flaws, others cannot neither hurt us with

them, nor have unrealistic expectations and be disappointed with us.

I do feel that it is possible to not have a sense of belonging when we live authentically,

accept our flaws, and remove ourselves from societal expectations. People may still respond

negatively. We may still feel like a disappointment to certain figures in our life. That said, I think

when people, like musicians who are self critical and that challenge these expectations, we can

work towards creating more realistic expectations from one another gradually. We are creating

our new normal. Moreover, when others feel comfortable being self critical, we feel more
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comfortable because we are not alone in doing so. With some progression in our social culture, I

think by being more honest about who we are will overtime free us from the mold we are

supposed to fit into, and make us feel more accepted. As the saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in

a day.” This starts with being honest with ourselves, and identifying that we are not perfect. We

may not be role models, and therefore people should not expect anything from us.

We seek freedom in knowing that we will be accepted by others no matter who we really

are. Music that is more self critical is becoming popular because it teaches us that we do not need

to put up a front about who we are. We may not fit societal expectations, and that is acceptable to

admit outloud, because even rich and famous people acknowledge this. We are tired of

pretending like we are aspiring to fit a certain type of persona, and remove the power of this

burden by expressing our flaws. I believe we seek approval and avoid disappointment. By

removing and challenging the expectations imposed upon us, we are working towards creating an

environment where we feel less sad about who we are not, and more content and accepting of

who we are.
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References

Penner, D. "Identity Music." SOCPSY 2C03: Social Psychology of Popular Culture. McMaster

University. 28 February 2022. Lecture.