The Black Journal

by Noxolo Shabalala

My father would sit for hours in his office at home, no one really knew what he was doing but when I
peeked from the key hole I would see him either on his phone talking non-stop with whoever or he
would be writing things down on a black book. What was strange about all of that was, no one was
allowed in his office, I remember the last time I tried to enter, I was 7 then, he stopped me on the door
steps and he said “I’m sorry princess but you can read now, and I can’t risk you entering here.” Since
then we would have our father-daughter time outside the office.

I was the only child and as you can imagine it got lonely, really lonely but I have grown used to it. The
fact that I spent their money all alone made me less frustrated but I was not a spoilt brat, or at least a
spoilt brat like my cousins. They visited once in a blue moon and it's not like I hate them but none of
them made me wish they would visit more often. They were spoilt beyond repair, they never helped
with dishes and I had to do everything all by myself even with them being around but as I said, I didn't
hate them. My parents owned a big company and that explained why they were never broke. I loved
them and they loved me too but I felt like dad loved me more, I was more close to him then with my
mother. I had no friends or boyfriend and I loved it that way, who needs a friend or boyfriend in order to
be happy? Definitely not me.

Things were normal and by normal I mean I never saw my parents during the week because they left
very early and came back late. I was basically leaving alone, if I were them I would be grateful that I was
not a normal teenage because at that age I would have hosted parties everyday or be out parting, but I
had a number one spot to secure in my school work and besides I had no friends to party with. So things
were normal until this one fateful day, I woke up early as usual to get ready for school and I had a bad
feeling about that day. I went downstairs to get breakfast, mom usually made it and put it on the
microwave. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got to the kitchen. I got closer and felt his forehead and
he laughed. My dad, the almighty king of our castle was making breakfast. “You are cooking, after what?
8.. 10 years?” “I thought I should stay behind today. I haven't seen you on your uniform since your first
day at school. You might be feeling like we don’t care about you but we do.” He said and dished out the
pancakes he was making. “I know dad, y’all have work so I don’t suffer, I totally get it.” I said pouring
myself the orange juice that was on the table, “I’m proud of you princess, your principal called yesterday
and told me you are doing well in your school work, what makes me even happier is the fact that you
don’t let things distract you, you know… I don’t know where you take this attitude from because me and
your mother started dating when she was 14 and I was 17, to think you are in matric and I have never
had to ground you because of boys or parties makes me a proud father, your mother is too and we love
you, a lot. Come here.” He said opening his arms, I was about to cry. “Don’t change neh. I will always be
here for you, anything you want. Now eat before you become late for school.” He kissed my forehead
and I went to sit down smiling. It was all weird… this day, the talk, the cooking, everything was weird but
I didn’t pay attention to it. I ate and he hugged me again before I went to the car that drives me to
school, I so wish I hugged him tighter and a bit longer. At school I hoped and prayed that I did well in a
test that we wrote the previous week because I once had that bad feeling and I got 5% less then what I
had set to achieve, luckily I did reach my goal that day but the bad feeling wouldn’t go away. After
school the driver drove me home. I got there and mom was on the couch crying, I rushed to her.
“Mom? What is going on?” I have never seen my parents fight before and even if they did, it was never
in front of me and for that I wish that in my next life they be my parents again. My mother was
trembling and the tears wouldn’t stop coming out. That broke my heart, I started crying too. She
couldn’t speak just cuddled me on the couch. I wondered why she was home that early. After a while, a
long while, she drank the water next to her and said “how could he?” She said her voice full of sadness
and my suspicion was that dad cheated. “After everything we have been through? He can’t, he can’t
leave me Noxy.” My suspicions were becoming stronger but dad wouldn’t do that, he loved mom, a lot
at that. “What happened mom?” She shook her head and drank the water again, then she said “your
father, he… he passed on.” I chuckled in disbelief. I shook my head as she nodded tears already coming
out of her eyes. I stood up and ran upstairs to his office but it was locked and I couldn’t see him when I
peeked. He wasn’t in their bathroom either and I concluded that maybe he was still at work. I called him
and he didn’t pick up and he always does, even when he is in a meeting he answers and tell me he will
call me back. I felt my mother hug me from behind. Tears just rolled out of my eyes. I felt my heart
break, he couldn’t be gone. He promised that he will be there for me until I grow old, he said he would
be there when I wear my graduation gown, he said he would walk me down the aisle to hand me over to
my husband, he said he would tell bedtime stories to his grandchildren, he can’t be gone, not now. I
cried my eyes out. I wished he would walk through the door, hug me and tell me that everything was
okay. My mom's phone rang, she answered and I went to my room. I cried until tears wouldn't come
out. I laid there starring at the walls with a big lump on my throat. I was hurting and I could feel that the
pain wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I felt nothing like getting a wrong answer in class. Days went
by and mom told me that the cops didn’t know what had killed him. She said they found him in his office
already dead.

I wasn’t myself, the school's top achiever was no more. I was always sad. My mother was always too
busy to mind me, losing a parent is one painful thing but having to deal with it alone made the pain even
worse. I stopped doing my homework, I was always distracted in class, so I thought that maybe finding
what killed him would help, but where would I start? I would go to his office but it was always locked. I
hated the way pain felt, the sadness and misery hit hard. I wanted closure, therapy didn’t help, I hoped
that it would help. One day I decided to miss school and mom was at work, it was a great day to find
something. I sneaked in their room and looked for the office's keys and luckily they were just on the
dressing table, it saved me precious time. I went to take them and went to the office, my heart was
racing, I didn’t know why but for some reasons I was scared, maybe I wasn't ready to find out. As soon
as I walked in the memories came flashing back, I could see him pacing up and down while on a call. I
could still smell his scent in the air. Pull yourself together Noxy, I thought to myself and went to his desk.
I went through the file cabinet first and it was deserted. I then sat on his chair. I had a memory of when I
was 5, I was sitting on that very same chair, he was not in the office. I was playing a game on his laptop,
when he got in I hid under the table and he pretended to not see me. I smiled to myself when I thought
how he sneaked up on and scared me. I wiped my tears and opened one of the drawers on the left of
the desk. Both of the drawers were empty. I opened the ones on my right, the first one had a picture of
me when I was still a baby. On the back it was written “my pride and joy.” I smiled and sniffed. I opened
the second drawer and it was empty. I opened the third drawer and it was empty too, I sighed, it felt
useless because I didn’t know what I was looking for. I closed the drawer and something moved, I
opened it again and put my hand at the back of the drawer. I felt a book and I pulled it out. It was the
black journal he always wrote on. I took a deep breath as I opened the first page, there was a quote, it
read: When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an
outlaw. -Nelson Mandela. Then I turned to the next page, in big bold letters it was written HEISTS AND
ROBBERIES. The more I read the more I understood what killed my father.

About Noxolo: I am a B.Ed. student.