Notion Press

Old No. 38, New No. 6

McNichols Road, Chetpet
Chennai - 600 031
First Published by Notion Press 2019
Copyright © Mohamed Zubair 2019
All Rights Reserved.
eISBN 978-1-64650-582-1
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 Dedication
Dedicated to the most important person in my life: Myself.
(Because self-love is the best kind of love.)
 Acknowledgements
Thank you, Dad, for being the first to understand my struggles with
mental health & helping me in my journey towards a better place, mentally.
Thank you, Mom, for always believing in me, especially on the days I
did not believe in myself.
Thank you to my sister, for being the most badass woman I know and
for always having my back.
Thank you Sanna Monga, my constant friend, for being there for me,
when I’m difficult to be around.
Thank you to the Indian Education System for turning me into a
sarcastic idiot with a questionable sense of humour.
 Table of Contents
Preface
Prologue –
You’re Fucked
Chapter     The Real Emotions That Drive Us
1    –

    1.1 What’s the Deal With Fear? (and

     Jim did a bad thing)

    1.2 Fear Over Other Emotions (and the

     writer that never was)

    1.3 Anger is a Beautiful Thing (and

     the nightmare neighbours)
Chapter     Nobody Owes You Anything
2    –

    2.1 What do You Want, a Participation

     Certificate?

    2.2 The Man Who Saved the World

     (and fuck modesty!)
Chapter     The Odds Are Stacked Against You, but
3    – Here is How You Win

    3.1 The Theory Behind Winning (and

     the Leicester City Fairy Tale)

    3.2 On Privilege & Luck (and the not-

     so-curious case of Harman Baweja)

    3.3 The Other F-word (and an

     Unpopular Opinion)
Chapter     Think About Yourself Because Nobody
4    – Else Will

    4.1 Motives are Rarely Unselfish (and

     do Looks Matter?)

    4.2 The Many Shortcuts to Success

     (Suck it, Society!)
Chapter     The Art of Not Knowing
5    –

    5.1 ‘Bullshiting’ Our Way Through
     Life (and Sammy’s Weird Experiment)

    5.2 Stories You Tell Yourself VS. the

     Stories the World Wants You to Believe
Chapter     On Mental Health and That Little Thing
6    – Called Social Media

    6.1 The Importance of Mental Health

     (and the School Reunion from Hell)

    6.2 Why Social Media Sucks (and the

     Social Media Detox)
Chapter     Money Makes My World Go Round!
7    –

    7.1 Stop Demonising Money; it’s

     Awesome

    7.2 Save Money, But don’t be a Miser

     (and is Greed Good?)

    7.3 Get Rich, and then Follow Your

     Passion
Chapter     How to Navigate the Corporate Jungle
8    –

    8.1 Horrible Bosses (and the Game

     that Demands to be Played)

    8.2 Maybe, there is Light at the End of

     this Tunnel
Chapter     Dude, Where is My Happiness?
9    –

    9.1 Misconceptions About Happiness

     (and the Art of Letting Go)

    9.2 Are Our Ideas of Perfection

     Generic? (and the Case for Being Average)
Chapter     On Love and Relationships
10    –

    10.1 Love is a Flawed Concept (and

     the girl with the Sexist Hypothesis)

    10.2 Signs of a Toxic and Rewarding
     Relationship (and Emotional Terrorism)
Chapter     Life Sucks, I’m Used to It. Now What?
11    –

    11.1 Why it’s All Worth it at the End

     (and the Power of Now)

    11.2 7 Difficult Questions that you

     Need to Ask Yourself
Epilogue
–
The Power of Negative Thinking… Wait. What?
Letter to the Reader
 Preface
The only things my father ever bought me without saying, ‘we’ll think
about it’ for the first 7 times, were books.
It’s a trait very often found in Desi parents. Buying a Playstation or a
new phone is out of question, but spending beyond means on books and
educational courses is definitely on the cards.
Fiction was my literary material of choice, but in typical self-
proclaimed parental wisdom, my father would advise me to buy a fair share
of self-help books in the hope that I would find some fucking direction in
life.
By the time I was 15, I had read over 500 books, and a significant
number of them were in the self-help genre. But even after a thorough
introspection and several attempts at putting theory into action, I found
myself back to square one. Most self-help books work as a concept, but the
moment you try to put these concepts to work, you’ll realise it’s easier said
than done.
In the age of social media and eBooks, self-help gurus or, as I like to
call them- ‘Peddlers of false hope’, have found a much larger outlet to coax
an even larger audience into believing a false narrative!
Here are some titbits of fortune cookie wisdom you might have read in
self-help books:
“If you visualise your success, you’ll eventually achieve it.”
“You only need to work 4 hours a week to achieve financial freedom.”
Or my favourite lie of them all:
“Happiness can be permanently achieved if you only tweak the way you
think.”
Most of these are half-truths, quarter-truths or even, blatant lies. The job
of a self-help guru is to sell their ideology.
Ask yourself this: does a salesman ever lie to sell his/her product?
The answer, as you may already know, is, more often than not, they do.
Look, I don’t have a problem with motivational speakers, self-help
writers or life coaching gurus. If you are having issues in your life, by all
means, consult somebody or go see a therapist. In fact, I highly recommend
that you do. Find someone with more experience than you, and ask them to
help yourself set achievable goals (kind of like a life coach but minus the
false hope crap).
 My issue is with the bullshit that is automatically associated with the
narrative of a good life and how modest changes can lead to a ‘happily ever
after’.
You see, the easiest thing to sell in this world is hope.
Every year, one of the largest lotteries in the world called the Powerball
takes place in America.
In 2019, a Powerball winner named Manuel Franco won a massive
$768.4 million in prize money from the Powerball Jackpot. Absolutely
insane!
Imagine winning $768 million!
Or actually, you know what?
Don’t imagine it, because your chances of winning the Powerball
Jackpot are only 1 in 292 million.
Read that again: 1 in two hundred and ninety-two million!
Here is a list of things more likely to happen than you winning the
lottery-
1. Getting into a car accident in your lifetime. The odds are 1
in 90 (quite high).
2. Getting struck by lightning once in your lifetime. The
odds are 1 in 3000.
3. Getting killed by a local meteorite or asteroid. The odds
are 1 in 1.6 million.
You’re literally much more likely to be killed by an asteroid falling
from the sky than winning the Powerball Jackpot. But, does that stop people
from ‘hoping to win’?
Absolutely not. Nearly 371 million Powerball tickets were sold in 2016
for the biggest draw!
It’s not a bad thing to live with hope. In fact, as I will discuss later in
this book, hope is one of the prime emotions that drives human beings in
their daily lives. But, we must learn to manage expectations, and more
importantly, we must not believe things, just because they’re tempting you
to believe. You cannot live without hope, but false hope has never saved a
life.
The first step to solving any problem is admitting that there is one.
Hence, my goal with this book is 3 fold:
1. To reveal some harsh realities that we desperately try to
avoid or refuse to admit.
 2. Try and put an end to the false notions linked to hope,
love and happiness.
3. Encourage you to embrace the truth, and in turn, start a
journey of self-reflection and actualisation.
One final thing before you start: you might be wondering, what qualifies
me to write a book of this nature?
My promise to you for this entire book is singular that I will not lie to
you one bit. This will be an absolutely honest, sometimes brutal, and
debatably cynical outlook of my experiences.
I do not have all the answers. Fuck, no! If I did, my life would be close
to perfect, which it definitely is not.
But I want to put across a culmination of all the knowledge I’ve picked
up from years of reading and research (searching for the RIGHT
MATERIAL & talking to the right people), my experiences as an investor
while trying to achieve financial freedom, conclusions from my time spent
in the corporate world, and my understanding of human psychology,
derived from real-world incidents.
It’s time to give rise to a new breed of self-help gurus and a new breed
of self-help literature. One that is not afraid to tell the truth. The readers
who serve as the audience have matured enough to accept the real story, and
as a writer, I feel we owe it to them.
The best way to read this book would be to take your time in finishing
it. Often, we read things for the sake of reading them. Give yourself a
while, let the thoughts in this book resonate with you. Take a breather, have
a walk, and feel free to discuss what you’ve read here with the people who
matter to you.
Even if you don’t agree with all the opinions expressed in this book, it’s
liberating to start a debate!
Reading opinions, regardless of your inclination to agree, only adds to
your intellect. And as most people will tell you, smart is the new sexy.
If at times during the course of the book you find it becoming gloomy,
all I can say is-
Life Sucks. Get used to it.
 Prologue
You’re Fucked
“More often than not, the truth really, really sucks. But the truth
can liberate you; it can set you free.”
– Some Wise Dude, Somewhere.
I wouldn’t call myself a nostalgic person, and I am not really
sentimental, either. I don’t live in the past, and I don’t reminisce much
about what could have been.
I mean, sure, I’ll sulk for a couple of weeks after a break-up, but again,
not nearly as much as when a dog is killed off in a movie.
Despite my reluctance to be a man of emotion (I still can’t avoid them!),
I cannot sometimes help but feel that I was born in the wrong era. I can’t
help but feel life would have much simpler in the by-gone era.
People often confuse convenience with simplicity, but they are not at all
the same thing.
Life, while convenient today, was much simpler back in the day.
Let’s take a nostalgic trip down the late 80s and early 90s when I was
growing up. Music was great, television was endearing, landline phones
were a thing, and we still had time to go out and explore the neighbourhood
with our set of friends.
Oh, and did I mention there was a good chance that your dreams
weren’t dead?
So, I’ll just cut straight to the chase: if you are someone aged 35–40 or
under, you’re pretty much fucked.
* (Cue dramatic music) *
No, really! Sure, people aged 40 and older have their own set of
problems to deal with. But for us, the millennial generation and the
generations to follow, are right at the top of the ‘we’re fucked’ list. And you
know what the worst part is? We’re not even responsible for most of it.
“Wait a minute, Zubair, that can’t be true!” I hear you say, “We’re much
better off than the generations that preceded us.”
Umm… are you fucking kidding me?
All it takes is an examination of the facts, and you’ll have your answer.
The only point of this exercise is to understand the kind of problems
regular people like you and I deal with in our daily lives. I just think it
makes sense that we come to terms with ‘why we are in this situation in the
first place’.
The rest of the book will focus on the precise approach to living a
supposedly ‘better life’. Pinky Swear!
So, let’s take a closer look at all the problems we are faced with, shall
we?
1. We Have No Jobs and No Assets.
Statistically speaking, we are the most educated bunch of people that
ever existed on this planet. Congratulations.
Yet, we probably have to offer a ritualistic sacrifice to land a half-decent
job. Unemployment rates in India in 2019 stand at 6+ %, which is the
highest it has been in 45 years! In the USA, 40% of those without a job are
millennials.
With an insanely competitive job market, where a college degree is a
bare minimum, and it seems like every aspirant has a couple of them lying
sparingly on the bookshelf, we have put ourselves in a very, very grave
situation.
For those who are employed, we are forced to accept low paying jobs
that make us feel like shit and deal with managers who drive us fucking
nuts.
Without even realising, your confidences levels are plummeting faster
than you can say, ‘I would like another job, please!’
Considering how low paying our jobs are, it’s almost impossible for us
to save any significant amount of money, which means it’s almost
impossible for us to accumulate any significant assets. Most millennials
without prior financial backing can kiss their dreams of buying a house
goodbye!
2. We are Paying More for Basic Necessities
of Life While Our Salaries Remain the Same.
Reports suggest that India will be the only economy that will not face
any significant growth of salaries by 2030, as it has a talent surplus. In the
USA, salaries have not kept up with inflation, and purchasing power is the
same as it was 40 years ago.
I distinctly remember interviewing for a job pretty early in my career; it
was a start-up in tech space. The HR manager who sat with me on the
interview proudly gave me a tour of the office which consisted of a pool
table, a table-tennis table and, an ultra-modern coffee machine which
dispensed espresso (no filter coffee though!).
I remember her saying, “we have free beers for everyone and also a
PlayStation!”
I spent most of my day at the office, trying to clear the different rounds
of the interview. Not one person in the office used any of the amenities,
besides the coffee machine. Even at lunch hour, most employees were glued
to their computer screens. After I left the interview, I looked up the reviews
of the company, and surprisingly enough, almost every employee had given
them a negative rating.
There was no work-life balance, managers treated their employees like
crap, the hierarchy was confused and salaries while being low, were
sometimes still not paid on time.
What’s the point of having free beers and snooker tables when I cannot
pay my bills? Is beating my colleague at a game of table-tennis going to
make my stress magically disappear?
Way too many organisations have an incorrect sense of what’s truly
important to their employees.
Health care, education, housing, is becoming so ridiculously expensive
that we are forced to settle for sub-par quality of these basic necessities of
life.
Did you think it was the right of every human being to receive basic
provisions at subsidised cost? Think again.
3. We are Stressed, Depressed and Anxious
All the Time
Our generation’s tryst with mental health issues was predestined from
the time the world, especially Asian countries, decided that mental health
was a taboo subject.
With work becoming more intense than ever we are occupied for longer
hours, and have a seriously warped work-life balance, leading to increased
stress. The rise of social media hasn’t helped either since a majority of
young adults have reported feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem and self-
harm, related to toxic trolling and bullying faced on social media platforms.
Our stress and anxiety manifest themselves in the forms of depression,
obesity, anti-social behaviour, disturbed sleep patterns and, substance abuse.
Every little thing in our lives is directly or indirectly, contributing to our
deteriorating mental health. Unfortunately, even today, the topic of mental
health is considered a grey area in some parts of society.
Statistics suggest that nearly 75% of all mental health issues affect
people by the age of 24, and almost five times as many students suffer from
a mental health condition today as compared to 10 years ago. Without
proper treatment, these students take their frail mental health into the
workplace where they experience further pressure and stress. It’s a recipe
for impending disaster.
4. Our Education System Sort of Totally
Sucks
This is a problem more pertinent to Asian countries, and especially
countries like India. Our education system completely misses the point of,
well, ‘an education’.
You see, the sole purpose of education, and I mean any education, is to
ensure survival.
To ensure you are prepared to face the real world. Our education system
fails quite spectacularly on that front.
To this day, the Indian teaching system places almost next to negligible
importance in helping students explore the 18+ career clusters, 110+ career
paths, and 3000+ occupations that exist in the world. The majority of
schools and especially our society, solely focus on the major 2-3 career
options, leading students to enrol in ‘coaching factories’.
Soft skills and people skills have never been given much importance,
and it shows because out of nearly 800,000 graduate engineers, 60%
remain unemployed in India. Their unemployment is majorly attributed to
the lack of communication skills.
On the other hand, student suicides have reached a crisis level in India,
where a student is said to commit suicide every hour (75,000 students
committed suicide between 2007 & 2016).
Having been a student at 3 universities in 3 different continents, a
retrospective look at the education system exhibits a deeply flawed
structure that considers human life to be way too inexpensive. Intense
competition combined with complete inadequacy while handling the mental
health of students has landed us in this situation. Unfortunately, the chances
of getting out of this rut in the near future seem really bleak.
 My concerns with the education system run rather deep. So, let’s leave
this be, a conversation for another day (or probably another book!).
5. The Stuff We Consume is Terrible for Us
The food that you eat is killing you slowly.
Poor diets are considered to be the reason behind 1 in 5 deaths across
the world. The food that we consume is processed, adulterated, and just
plain harmful.
Diseases like cancer, diabetes and obesity, have been directly linked to
fast food and unhealthy eating habits. What this basically means is that we
have become much more likely to succumb to all kinds of illnesses much
more easily. If you smoked 50 years ago, it wouldn’t affect you nearly as
direly and early as it would today.
To make matters worse, even the air we breathe is killing us slowly. Air
quality in India caused 1.2 million deaths in 2018 alone. The number is said
to rise to 2 million soon. The air quality is considered so poor that at least
140 million people breathe air 10 times or more over the WHO safe limit.
13 of the world’s 20 cities with the highest annual levels of air pollution
are in India.
And finally:
6. We Are Still, the Bad Guys
Ironically, we are supposed to be the generation with corrupt values.
The generation that was supposed to destroy the moral fabric of the entire
planet. But the fact is, that we’re the generation that is fighting climate
change, social barriers and, all the oppressive systems that were put in
place a long fucking time ago.
We should be proud.
All we’re trying to do is survive and find the ability to love ourselves
among all the noise, while everyone else remains oblivious to our struggle.
No wonder suicide memes and self-deprecating joke are so prevalent. It’s a
coping mechanism, a subtle hint at how most of us are well and truly,
fucked.
Yes, by comparison, we are better off than the Middle Ages, when
people were dying because of plague and cholera, among slavery and
debilitating poverty. But, I don’t think that’s the yardstick we should
measure our technologically advanced time against!
Stand Up for What Truly Matters
 I want you to imagine that your house is on fire, and you only have
enough time to grab a few things.
What would you take?
Perhaps, your identity documents, valuables like money & jewellery,
and maybe, if you had some time left, your laptop or gadgets.
You probably won’t grab unimportant things like your pillow or your
hairbrush or that copy of Chetan Bhagat’s new book.
Similarly, your time and your dissent are valuable tools; don’t spend
them on being offended by things that do not deserve the effort, while
completely blindsiding the things that do.
This problem is, in fact, a very frequent symptom of the time we live in.
In a world where we are faced with momentous problems such as
unemployment, poverty and climate change, we are wasting our energies
standing up against, ‘what some inconsequential person said on twitter’ or
‘what Rakhi Sawant wore to a party’.
In another example, there will be some who will condemn the language
in this book and call it ‘immoral’.
What you need to look for is the value you can derive from this book
rather than focusing on the kind of language it is written in since the
language is just a form of expression.
If you still think my narration is immoral, I’m ok with that, as long as
you are willing to accept the message.
I’ll gladly be the bad guy if that’s what it takes for you to find the hero
in you.
My goals justify the way I decided to write this book. I wanted it to be
short, to the point and, like a conversation with a friend over a cup of
coffee.
A brutally honest friend who does not believe in filters. Not on
Instagram, and certainly, not in real-life.
Throughout the journey of this book, don’t be afraid to destroy the
preconceived notions that society has imposed upon us for aeons.
You can love money and still be charitable. You can put yourself first
and still not be selfish. You can be a fighter, and still, let your guard down
for what you love.
It is only after we decide to wipe out what we ‘thought’ to be true,
are we able to embark on a voyage of real truth-seeking.
Let’s begin.
 Chapter 1
The Real Emotions That Drive Us
“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.”
– Fight Club
1.1 What’s the Deal With Fear?
(and Jim did a bad thing)
If the last chapter put you off a bit, I’d like to apologise and proceed
with a warning because things are about to get worse.
However, by the end of this book, I hope you will understand that there
is light at the end of the tunnel; that there is a way you can make a place for
yourself in this big, bad world
It’s definitely not as easy as the self-help book you picked up from your
corner book store would like you to believe. There are compromises you
have to make, whether it’s physical, psychological or worse – moral.
To achieve any notion of success and to drive us forward, we need
something that lights our entire being on fire. Like something that really
motivates you to get off your ass and Get. Shit. Done.
“But Zubair, where is this fire supposed to come from?” I hear you ask.
Well, whether we like to admit it or not, our lives are governed by
emotions. You might have read books which say that if we let our emotions
consume us, we risk ruining our lives.
Does that imply that we’re supposed to suppress our emotions, and
pretend to be unaffected, like robots?
Wouldn’t that would be bloody nice? Not to feel anything and continue
living our lives like controlled beings.
The problem is that it’s simply not possible. The best we can do is
control our emotions to some degree or in certain cases, turn the tables on
our emotional frailties and use them to positive effect.
For all these years, we have been told that the most important emotions
in this world are love and hate. In my opinion, that is a gross
oversimplification of something as complex as what is meant to drive us.
Love is a flawed concept, and I will talk more about that later in this book.
Hate, on the other hand, gives rise to other emotions, such as anger and
revenge. Now, I am not against anger and revenge. They are powerful
emotions in themselves, but when combined together, they create a
dangerous cocktail which can blind us. But first, let’s talk about fear.
What’s the Deal With Fear?
The most underrated emotion in the world is FEAR. In fact, it is my
personal belief that fear is the single most important driving force in our
lives.
Ask yourself this: when your boss gives you shit at work (we’ve all
been there!), what is it that prevents you from enacting that dream sequence
in your mind that encourages you to flip the table, give your boss the finger
and walk out of the room?
The fear of losing your job. The fear of being broke. The fear of being
evicted from your home because you couldn’t pay rent on time, because
you got fired. The fear that your parents, friends or significant other will
think you are an unemployed loser. It’s a chain that seems to be going on
and on, forever and ever.
Fear governs every little aspect of our lives. Period.
My family moved to Dubai in 1994 when I was only a year old. I spent
my entire life growing up there, went to university in Canada for a while,
and finally, moved to India a couple of years ago.
When you are growing up in Dubai, you come to terms with the strict
laws that govern the residents of the country. There are serious
consequences to your actions, and that’s one of the reasons the city has one
of the lowest crime rates in the world.
Let me share a little story about how a friend of mine, committed a
mistake and paid a dear price not only because he broke the rules, but also
because, someone took advantage of his fear.
A good friend, let’s call him Jim, had a little too much to drink one
night. Against the better judgement and quite frankly, common sense, Jim
decided to drive himself home. Unbeknownst to him, somebody was
watching his actions. On the road, Jim’s stalker for the night, bumped into
his car from behind while he waited at a red light.
While the damage to either car was negligible, Dubai has a rule which
demands that the cops be called for every accident on the road (no matter
how minor), in order to process insurance. The person who bumped into
Jim’s car had known Jim had been drinking and threatened to tell the cops
unless he was paid a hefty sum of money.
 Jim’s rational thinking went for a toss! Overcome by fear of
imprisonment for driving under the influence of alcohol, Jim almost
immediately complied. A man who could barely pay his rent allowed his
fear to make the decision on his behalf. Did he have a better option? Now,
that is a moral conundrum which can never have a simple answer, and
honestly, it was a tough lesson that drove an important point home (pun
intended) about not endangering the lives of others, not to mention his own.
But the point is that fear has always and always will rule our decisions.
Now, let’s look at how the power of fear compares to other emotions.
1.2 Fear Over Other Emotions
(and the writer that never was)
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Before I wrote this book, I tried to write
nearly 5 books.
Each book, some fiction, some poetry and some non-fiction, remains on
my computer unfinished till this day. I simply could never find the
motivation to finish them. Ever since I was in middle school, the only thing
I was comparatively good at, was writing.
My teachers said that I had talent. My friends said that I had talent. My
parents were happy that their academically ungifted son was finally a cut
above the rest at something.
But what good is any amount of talent and potential, if you cannot
produce an output?
I could never finish a single book. The ideas were there, but the
motivation to finish them just wasn’t.
I cannot begin to tell you how many conversations I have had about this
very notion.
“Hey Zubair, how’s the book coming along?”
Or,
“Hey, Zubair, when am I going to read your book?” My answer was
always the same, “Soon”.
The soon never came.
In 2011, while I was still in university, I pitched a fiction book idea (a
synopsis and the first few chapters), to a publishing house. Back in the day,
the concept of self-publishing was not as prevalent in India. To publish your
book, you would have had to take the traditional route: Pitch you book to a
publishing house like thousands and thousands of other authors and hope
your book got the green signal. Only 1% of authors ever did get a book
deal.
But guess what? 6 weeks later, I heard back from the publishing house,
stating that they were interested in my book once I was finished with it! As
you can imagine, this was quite a big deal for any 20-year-old, trying to
make it as a writer.
One problem though, I never ended up finishing the book.
People constantly asked me when it was coming out.
Did the shame of having no answer to their questions drive me to write
the book? No, it did not.
Did my family’s ‘words of encouragement’ and ‘unconditional support’
drive me to finish the book? No, they did not.
Neither did the hope of becoming a bestselling writer (and then boasting
about it to everyone), drive me to write the book.
So how is it, that I finally finished THIS book, without having any
certainty that it would end up being published?
You see, it was the fear of never realising my potential, the fear of being
an unfulfilled writer forever, and the fear of being left behind professionally
by my counterparts, that inspired me to write this book.
I woke up one day thinking that it had been six years since I failed to
finish what was almost a ‘sure thing’. At 26, it was definitely not too late to
realise my dream. However, it was the fear of still not being able to make it
on my own that ignited a fire in me that I had never felt before.
The Fear Paradox
Almost every employed person I know dreams of owning a business
someday.
“The plan is to work for 3 more years and then start my own
entrepreneurial venture.”
Or
“The dream is to be my own boss.”
These are statements I hear from my clients and friends far too often.
I’m sure you’ve come across your fair share of ‘want-reprenuers’, or
perhaps you are one yourself!
So why exactly, aren’t these people following up on their intent?
Why did it take 6 years for my fear of not being able to publish a book
to set in?
 The answer to the first question is what I call the fear paradox. People
fear being stuck in their mundane jobs for the rest of their lives. However,
the fear of risk and uncertainty of taking the plunge into entrepreneurship
prevents them from acting upon their former fears.
People prefer the cosiness of staying with what is familiar. This is the
number one reason people refuse to leave toxic relationships, toxic jobs,
and their potentially toxic lives behind.
Now to answer the second question, it didn’t take 6 years for my fear to
set in.
It took a few major changes in my life for the fear to rear it’s ugly (or
beautiful, if you are an optimist like me) head.
I had recently left a country I had lived in for 20 years, to move to a
country I had never lived in for any longer than 3 months. I had also left
behind a well-paying job that I loved. I had left behind my friends to live in
a place where I hardly knew anybody.
Our fears become stronger when we make big changes to our lives. This
does not mean that you must quit your job or move to another country to be
inspired by fear. I’m the most practical person I know, and I would never
give you any advice that would potentially risk your livelihood.
However, big changes happen far often than we think. Breakups, fights
among friends, marriages, death of a loved one, the birth of a child,
switching jobs and moving countries can all happen rather frequently
(within 2-3 years) considering the average life span of a human being is 80
years.
But what if you do not want to wait till a big change takes place? We
must try and solve the fear paradox.
If you are afraid of quitting your job and starting anew, start a side
hustle/business and ride with it till you are sure it can sustain you. If you
are afraid of leaving or committing to a relationship, try a trial separation or
a live-in relationship.
If you are afraid to leave your comfort zone, try taking small steps and
run right back into it before your comfort zone realises what you’ve been
doing behind it’s back!
You could lose your job tomorrow, as thousand do every single day.
That should scare you, at least a little bit.
The good news is that in today’s day and age, there are a lot of
opportunities to experiment without going all-in and putting everything at
stake. This applies to every aspect of your life, such as your work, your
relationships, and most importantly, your happiness.
The key is not to try and conquer the fear right away; the answer is
to reason with it and find a middle ground.
1.3 Anger is a Beautiful Thing
(and the nightmare neighbours)
Do you often think back and wonder how much you’ve evolved? I used
to be a very reserved person back in the day. I didn’t speak my mind, and I
avoided confrontation to the point where people would often use this to
their advantage.
I remember staying in a newly constructed apartment building a few
years ago that was mostly vacant when I moved in.
One day, I woke up to find that I finally had neighbours. Unfortunately,
I was awakened by the loud sounds of a carpenter hammering away to
glory. I could hear every nail, every screech and every thud clear as day.
It was 8 AM on a Sunday, for fuck’s sake!
My building had rules that prevented this from happening — no loud
noises on weekends, and only at specific times during weekdays. But my
new neighbours didn’t seem to care.
Despite being extremely bothered, given my inclination to avoid
confrontation, I let it slide.
After 3 painful days, I woke at 4 AM to the sounds of the carpenter
back at it again.
Now, I was pissed, like punch-a-hole-through-the-wall pissed.
My reserved nature didn’t matter anymore. I woke up, walked straight
to my neighbour’s apartment and expressed my contempt at the unwelcome
wake-up call. As it was my first caution to him, I didn’t shout or create a
commotion. I simply told him I was incredibly disturbed.
And that was it, problem solved!
While fear remains the most underrated emotion in my book, anger
takes the prize for the most misunderstood emotion out there. When we talk
about anger, we immediately associate it with the negative impact it can
have on our lives.
People assume anger can make us lose control and lead us to do terrible,
regrettable things.
 Like most things, there are two sides to this coin as well. Before we
demonise anger, we must ask ourselves this- Who or what is my anger
targeted towards?
There are 3 things we end being angry towards most often-
1. Someone in power or someone random
2. Ourselves
3. People who are close to us and those who we care about.
For example, your manager is giving you a hard time, or maybe,
someone stepped on your foot while you were walking down the street.
‘Fucking asshole,’ you mutter under your breath, and then you get on with
your life.
This kind of anger isn’t something to worry about because it is often
fleeting.
In this case, more often than not, you are unable to give your rage an
outlet because of the circumstances since most people will do anything to
avoid confrontation.
Now, let’s talk about the second type of anger.
Anger with one’s self is an unbelievable force of motivation. It can
often stem from envy of seeing someone doing better than you, making
more money than you or, dating someone sexier than you.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY IF YOU EXPERIENCE THIS. It is only
human nature to feel this way, so instead, use it to inspire you.
It is my absolute belief that you cannot motivate another person to do
something, no matter how hard you try. The desire and hunger to evolve
must come from within. Whether it’s losing weight, standing up for
yourself, or in my case, finally finishing a book for I could not do it until I
decided that I MUST do it.
Harsh Truth Alert: If you are trying to influence another person to
change their life, please don’t waste your time. They’ll probably never
listen, or they will eventually relapse into their old habits.
I know countless people who have been guilt-tripped into trying to kick
their smoking habits by a loved one.
99% of the time, it does not work.
The only time a person really quits is when they are angry with how
they look in a mirror and personally decide that they want to become
healthy, or they are afraid that their health has started deteriorating because
of their habit.
 Once again, anger and fear influence our life, not love or guilt.
Now finally, the third type of anger.
9 times out of 10, we exercise our anger only in this category because
the actions of our loved ones hurt us the most, and more importantly, we are
certain that we will be forgiven, despite our outburst.
This is the only kind of anger that we must try and contain. But do not
contain it to an extent where you feel it getting built up within you. This
just leads to stress and anxiety.
If it is justified, express your emotion! Your only challenge is to keep
the anger at a manageable level.
Anger is a powerful thing. You can literally change your world using it.
The HULK is one of the most dominant characters in the Marvel Comic
Universe.
His superpower? He gets seriously powerful when he gets angry. As the
movies progress, the Hulk is able to establish control over his anger, and
can eventually turn into a big green monster at will!
You just know that Shit. Is. About. To. Go. Down. when something like
that happens.
I mentioned earlier that fear, over a period of time, can inspire you to
bring about a change in your life. Anger, on the other hand, can lead us to
decide to transform our lives almost instantly!
And trust me, the second kind of anger (anger with one’s self) can stay
with you for a very long time.
Before we demonise anger, we must examine if there is a greater good
that can be achieved from it.
At certain points of time in our lives, and for some of us more
frequently than others, we experience anger. Why not accept it and use it to
drive us, instead of making it taboo?
Think about it.
 Chapter 2
Nobody Owes You Anything
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all
sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t
care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you
there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody, is gonna hit as hard
as life. But, it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can
get hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”
– Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa
2.1 What do You Want, a Participation
Certificate?
Remember when I mentioned that I was a decent writer back in high
school?
Unfortunately, I went to a school where academics were the single most
important factor in determining a student’s worth.
While I was in 11th grade, my otherwise academic obsessed school
decided to hold a creative writing competition. Now, this was something
that was right up my alley, and I decided to be a part of it.
I worked hard for this one. Never had I ever given so much importance
to writing 2000 words in my entire life. I wrote, and I rewrote. I asked
everyone I could, for an opinion. I tried to perfect everything to the point
that it gave me anxiety. And then finally, I thought I had nailed it.
The keyword here being, ‘I thought’.
When the results were announced, I found out that I was not even in the
top 10 winners of the competition. I remember standing next to the podium
stone-faced, and almost certain that my name would be called.
But the worst was yet to come. A complete asshole of a teacher saw me
standing next to the stage, even after the winners were awarded.
He asked me, “What do you want, a participation certificate?”
It fucking hurt.
That day, (after I had murdered that teacher multiple times in my head),
I realised something sacred to the survival of mankind.
NOBODY owes you ANYTHING — not even a fucking participation
certificate.
 We come into this life as strangers to most of the world around us, and
we will die in the same way. If we want money, we must earn it. If we want
respect, we must earn it. If we want fame, we must earn it.
And here comes the biggest mind-fuck of all: even if you work really
hard, there is no guarantee you will earn these things.
The problem with believing the ‘nobody owes you anything’ notion is
further complicated by the fact that our generation to a certain extent, and
the next generation to a larger extent, grew up in a world of instant
gratification and false narratives perpetuated by the media we consume.
We have food, conversations and information available at our fingertips.
thanks to our phones.
If you want data, just Google it! You want a bite to eat? Just Swiggy
it! You want to tell your ex that you miss him/her in the middle of a
night, just WhatsApp them!
You don’t even have to wait for the new episodes of a TV show to
come out week after week anymore. Netflix releases them all at once!
Do you know how this affects our minds? It leads us to believe that
patience was a virtue of the past.
Unfortunately, money and success do not arrive over an app (unless you
created that app, hah!). These things take time, and more importantly, they
demand sacrifices. Big sacrifices.
The media we consume, whether its books, television or movies, has led
us to believe that the underdog always wins, that there is something special
about to happen in our lives when we least expect it.
We are being sold what I earlier called the easiest thing to sell in this
world: hope.
And it’s seriously fucking with our minds.
In order to exit this erroneous mindset, we must come to accept that our
successes are our own, and so are our failures.
The good news is that just like nobody owes you anything, you do not
owe anyone anything either. When you come to realise that nobody owes
you anything, you learn to rise above the anticipation of expecting
happiness from those around you. When you realise that you do not owe
anyone anything, a great burden is lifted off your shoulders.
If someone loves and respects you, then it means that you have done
something to earn their admiration.
 Similarly, be selfish about the positive emotions you reserve for
someone, and only shower them upon those who truly deserve it.
The Importance of a Thick Skin
Thick Skin-/θɪk
skɪn-/-someone who is not easily upset or insulted,
and who can take criticism well.
Being a writer is a pretty fulfilling job, at least, most of the time.
However, the one thing that you do come to realise is that everyone has
a different opinion about what they read.
Working as a professional writer, creating content for companies led me
to appreciate just how subjective content was. In the corporate world, there
would be days when I would write and re-write the same piece of content 7
or 8 times until every manager was satisfied.
This taught me another important thing: the importance of developing a
thick skin.
If you begin to take to heart, every piece of criticism or harsh words that
come your way, you’re putting yourself in a position where you’ll soon be
questioning your abilities. A little self-doubt is ok, but a full-blown crisis of
self-identity is terrible.
In 2015, I attended an interview for a content writer role with a
company I really wanted to work for.
Unfortunately, the interview sucked.
I remember thinking to myself, “This is probably the worst interview I
have ever been to.”
In the end, the interviewing manager asked me if I had any questions.
Here is what happened:
Me: Having worked here for a while, what would you say it takes to
succeed in this role?
Manager: Umm… a thick skin, I suppose.
Me: A thick skin? That’s it?
Manager: More or less. The CEO here is the final authority on
everything, and if she isn’t satisfied, you’ll be doing the same thing for a
while.
I was shocked. Was this guy trying to talk me out of a job? But then I
came to realise that he was extremely dejected with the work himself, and
the poor guy was just being honest.
You will be misunderstood, and you will be questioned for doing
something different, whether at work or in life. From time to time, you’ll
end up on the receiving end of criticism. Sometimes you’ll make mistakes,
and sometimes, you’ll get told to do better despite making no mistakes.
I used to really beat myself up about this, and it affected my morale in
several ways.
Life is rough: people are mean and can be ruthless.
But sometimes they actually do tell the truth, and the value of any
person can be derived from the amount of truth they can endure.
A thick skin will help you absorb constructive feedback in order to help
you learn more and move ahead in life. You need to be tough enough to
hear the harsh truth if it’s a valid opinion.
Don’t take things personally, don’t try to defend yourself if you are
wrong, and always be upbeat to provide a different solution.
On the other hand, a thick skin is like Captain America’s shield against
negative criticism. Some people will just try and slow you down because
they envy your success. Learn to differentiate between negative and positive
criticism. Then, use that shield to deflect all the shit that comes your way.
Remember, you’ve been hearing shit about you all your life, and you are
STILL here. That’s what matters.
You can also choose to tell them those 3 magical words if you like: Go
F_ _ _ _ Y_ _ _ _ _ _ _!
Fancy filling in the blanks?
2.2 The Man Who Saved the World
(and fuck modesty!)
The day was 26th September 1983. A man named Stanislav Petrov sat in
his dingy office in the faraway land of Russia. Unbeknownst to him,
Stainslov was minutes away from being forced to make the decision which
could potentially affect the world we live in today.
Stanislav Petro was the on-duty officer at a Russian nuclear early
warning system called OKO. OKO used satellite imaging systems to warn
the Russian military if the United States of America were to launch a
nuclear missile.
On 26th September, just 3 weeks after Russia had shot down a Korean
Airline Passenger Plane, thinking it to be a US spycraft, Stainslov’s worst
nightmares came true. The OKO warning system showed that the United
States had launched a nuclear missile at Russia. Within a minute, OKO
showed that up to 5 more missiles had been launched and were heading in
Russia’s way.
Tensions between Russia and America in September 1983 had been at
an all-time high – the highest since the cold war. The USA had termed the
attack on Korean Airlines Flight 007, ‘a massacre by the Russians that
killed all 269 passengers on board’.
Back in his office, Stanislav Petrov was faced with a decision that could
potentially cause an all-out nuclear war. Had Petrov reported the incoming
American missiles, his superiors might have launched a retaliatory nuclear
assault against the United States.
He went against Soviet Protocol and termed the incoming missiles as a
system malfunction. He used his better judgement and decided that there
were serious flaws in the early warning system. He concluded that had USA
really launched an attack, it would have been an all-out charge, and not just
5 missiles.
Petrov was proved right, for no missiles were approaching Russia, and
the computer detection system was indeed malfunctioning. It was
subsequently determined that the false alarm had been created by a rare
alignment of sunlight on high-altitude clouds above North Dakota and the
Molniya orbits of the satellites.
It was just the universe being naughty!
As you can imagine, the actions of one man saved the entire world from
a large scale nuclear war and unprecedented loss of life.
Had you ever heard of Stanislav Petrov’s name before today? Odds are,
you might not have.
In fact, Petrov himself stated that after intense questioning by his
superiors, he was never rewarded (nor punished) for his actions on that
fateful day. He was simply reassigned to a less sensitive work post and took
early retirement.
Petrov died on 19 May 2017 from hypostatic pneumonia aged 77, in
relative obscurity.
The point I’m trying to make here is simple. The fact that nobody owes
you anything is not only certain. The brutal truth is that even if your actions
save the entire world, there is still a chance that very few will ever know
your name.
Unless.
Nobody owes you anything unless you demand it, so fuck modesty.
 If the end to Petrov’s story gave you a short term bout of depression, I
do not blame you. That is exactly the way I felt when I heard it for the first
time.
Then I started putting the thing into perspective.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world; those who enjoy staying under
the radar and living a satisfied, subtle life, and those who yearn for fame,
success and money.
People who fit the first bracket are few and are often called
unambitious. The second kind of people are often called attention-hungry
and greedy.
So, the first lesson we must learn is:
Fuck what other people think. This is a fairly obvious one because if
you might have picked up upon one thing in your life, it is this: you can
never make everybody happy. Some people will judge you, either way,
based on your actions.
Now that we’ve got that out of our way, the second lesson to
understand is this:
If you are the first category kind of a person from the 2 I mentioned
above, then good for you!
If you are truly content with your life, you have my respect. It’s very
difficult to achieve that level of serenity.
However, if you are the second kind of person, then you need to start
TALKING about yourself more often.
You need to start highlighting your successes to the world around you.
You need to promote the VALUE you bring explicitly.
Just try to keep it delicate, because nobody likes a show-off.
I know what you are thinking, “But Zubair, it is showing off, isn’t it?”
Well, yes, yes, it is. However, the world we live in today demands that
we differentiate ourselves from the noise. It demands that we make people
aware of our worth. We live in a world where people are so ridiculously
distracted, that nothing short of something being explicitly stated will cut it.
This is the only way in which we can thrive in our journey.
Harsh Reality: Sometimes, Modesty and Humility are the
invitations that people need to walk all over you.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you only try and
broadcast your achievements without putting in the work. Putting in the
work is, and always will be, imperative to accomplish success.
 The ‘talking about your work’ part is a relatively new concept, and
unfortunately, one that is here to stay.
If you want something in life, you must demand it for such is the world
we live in. More about how to subtly broadcast your own worth is described
so in detail in chapter 5.
 Chapter 3
The Odds Are Stacked Against You, but
Here is How You Win
“When something is important enough, you do it even if the odds
are not in your favour.”
– Elon Musk
3.1 The Theory Behind Winning
(and the Leicester City Fairy Tale)
Let’s talk about koala bears for a second. Sure, they’re cute, but did you
know that they’re one of the most poorly designed animals in the world?
Koalas are known for being very picky eaters, and they eat only
eucalyptus plants and nothing else.
Unfortunately, their teeth are small and jagged, which slowly are worn
down by the fibrous leaves of the eucalyptus plants, up to the point where
only their gums are left. Unable to eat the leaves and unwilling to consume
anything else, some koalas starve to death.
Nature has stacked the odds against koalas.
Now, let’s take about humans.
When my grandfather moved from Gujarat to Tamil Nadu in the 1970s
to start his own business, the odds of him succeeding were high, like really
high. Business used to be simple in those days. Rents were lower, the
competition was almost non-existent, and people did not have the kind of
opportunities (to start, not necessarily succeed) they have today.
Today, when you start a business, the odds are significantly different.
Let’s say you open up a restaurant (the most competitive business on the
planet). Statistics suggest that 60% of restaurants fail within the first year.
By year 3, 80% of restaurants shut shop
When my father moved to Dubai in 1994 seeking new opportunities and
set up shop in a ‘bazaar’, there were about 50 competing businesses around
our store. When he retired 23 years later in 2017, there were 650!
We live in extremely competitive times, and this is one of the greatest
pitfalls of being a millennial (as I established in the prologue). Gone are the
times when you’d walk into a job interview, and you would be up against 5
other candidates. These days, it’s more like 500.
 It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there will
always be someone who is better than me. I kept cursing my luck, my
situation or, my lack of privilege.
The truth, however, is that there is no such thing as a level playing field.
If that makes you angry, then fucking awesome!
Picking up from what you read in chapter 2, I encourage you to use this
anger to fuel yourself.
Have you watched that television reality show ‘Bigg Boss’ (or Bigg
Brother, if you are reading this in the UK)? The one hosted by Salman
Khan?
Do you know why the show succeeded the way it did?
Because when you put 15 people in a primitive environment, no matter
who they are (celebrity or a regular person), they will demonstrate their
defence mechanism that slowly evolves into killer instinct.
And the audience just loves watching the fucking drama that ensues.
When you push someone into a corner, there is no way of predicting
how that person will react. That’s what makes human psychology such a
deeply interesting subject.
Think of the world as a larger version of the Bigg Boss house. Yes, the
odds are stacked against you, but whether you like the odds are not, you
have only 2 options:
Evolve or Die
Humans were programmed to keep trying, and when you aren’t trying,
you’re actually dying.
There are a few people who wallow in self-pity, pick up self-destructive
habits and start a never-ending journey to rock bottom. I call it a never-
ending journey because just when they think they’ve hit rock bottom, the
bottom breaks again, and they fall even deeper.
The world is an unkind place; it has no sympathy for those who give
up hope.
Let’s say, you asked a member of the opposite sex out on a date, and he
or she turns you down.
Does that mean that you’re done with relationships and sex for the rest
of your life? Are you ok with leading the rest of your life as a celibate?
No! You’ll try again when the time is right, and when you think the
person is right. When it comes to basic needs, our being demands that we
will always fancy the odds.
 The problem arises when we start aspiring to be at the top of the food
chain.
When we start hoping for the first prize, but it’s only the first time
we’ve played the game! Keep your ambitions in check, and be happy with
every positive hand that life has dealt you.
But what if you want the best hand eventually?
Well, then we go back to the start of the cycle. Let’s go back to step 1:
trying. And this time, add a few more tricks to your playbook.
You cannot become the CEO on your first day at a job. Start off with
being happy that you have a job! Then slowly, add to your experience, add
to your education and, add to your skill set along the way.
Will you now become the CEO? Probably not, but I’ve begun to fancy
your chances hell of a lot more!
What Did You Do, Yahoo!?
The good news is that you only have to be right once; in the end,
nobody will remember your failures or what you overcame in your life.
People will only count your wins.
Just ask Maverick American billionaire, Mark Cuban.
Coming from humble backgrounds, Mark Cuban first worked as a
bartender in 1982, going on to start his own business which he built from
scratch and sold for $6 Million in 1990.
Very few people remember this part.
In 1999, Cuban sold his second company ‘www.broadcast.com’ to
Yahoo! for a stunning $5.7 Billion during the dot com boom. Yahoo! would
shut down the company just 3 years later in 2002, essentially writing off
their entire investment of $5.7 Billion.
Yes. Billion, with a B.
Broadcast.com is considered one of the worst internet company
acquisitions ever, and most people agree that Mark Cuban got incredibly
lucky by being at the right place, at the right time. Mark Cuban would
himself go on to proclaim the famous words ‘You only have to be right
once’.
As fate would have it, Yahoo! itself was sold in its entirety to Verizon in
2017 for 4.4 Billion Dollars, a staggering $1.3 billion less than what it had
dropped on buying Broadcast.com 18 years ago.
The Leicester City Fairy Tale
Did I just use the word fairy tale in this super-cynical book?
 Well, yes I did, because what a Football Club called Leicester City
achieved in 2015, was nothing short of a fucking fairy tale; and it just
doesn’t feel right to call it otherwise.
If you don’t know anything about football, I apologise, but please bear
with me. I will try to make it as simple to understand as possible, and I
promise that I will not get technical.
The English Premier League is one of the most prestigious footballing
competitions in the world. 20 teams, each playing 38 games over the course
of one season, battle it to be at the top of the points table at the end of the
season.
A win gives you 3 points, a draw or tie gives you 1 point, and a loss gets
you nothing.
Now, the interesting thing about the English Premier League is that ever
since its inception in 1992, only 5 teams had ever won the league, before
Leicester accomplished the feat in 2015.
Can you imagine playing for 23 years and seeing the same 4 or 5 teams
winning the league time and time again?
Before the 2015 EPL season started, Leicester was priced by 5000-1 by
betting companies to win the league. Which basically means that if you had
bet $10 on Leicester at the start of the season, you would walk away with
$50,000!
Leicester defied the odds all season, and on the last day of the season,
they sat at the top of the table, to be crowned champions. The world was in
disbelief.
Here is what we can learn from Leicester’s incredible fairy tale win-
• No matter how bad you think life is, it can get much, much
worse. You see, just like how one team wins the English Premier
League every year, 3 teams that finish at the bottom of the points table
are relegated (demoted) from the English Premier League to play in a
lower competitive league. This results in a loss of money, sponsorships
and many other negative implications.
Just because you are not always winning, it does not mean that
being stable and powering through life is not an achievement in itself.
• The teams that won the EPL multiple times over the period of
23 years are rich teams. They have the monetary resources to buy the
best players and provide the best training or coaching facilities to
them. Despite not being rich, Leicester managed to beat every team in
 the league to win the trophy that year. This was in part because all the
big teams had a terrible season!
Even if your competition is privileged enough to have the
resources that you don’t, that does not mean that they won’t slip up
one day, thus giving you an opportunity to make the most of it.
3.2 On Privilege & Luck
(and the not-so-curious case of Harman
Baweja)
I talked about privilege a few times throughout the chapter, and the
reason I’ve brought it up time and again is because it is important to
understand that luck and fate play a very important role in our success and
failures.
Self-help and motivation gurus want you to believe that you are in
complete control of your destiny. They want you to believe that you can
influence every decision in your life and single-handedly lead yourself to
success.
Utter crap.
Nothing humbles you like realising the fucking truth. The truth is that
even our best-laid plans can go to shit if luck and fate do not work in
tandem with our hard work.
“So Zubair, you’re basically saying that it’s pointless to keep trying,
considering I might never win?”
No, on the contrary, this should only push you to work harder. When the
stars align, and you find luck on your side, you will find yourself in the
prime position to win.
Privilege is the very epitome of luck, and it comes in many forms such
as race, gender (women don’t always have it easy), nationality (where you
are born), family (who you are born to), the way you look and the way you
were raised.
Nepotism and Privilege
Yes, I just used the N-word.
Nepotism is one of the conversations that continue to rage on in the
Indian Film Industry (Bollywood). The perception is that star kids have it
easier than newcomers with regards to starting their movie careers.
And while this is undeniably true, having a popular family lineage, in
no way guarantees a successful film career. At the same time, countless
celebrities have made it big without coming from a privileged family.
Let’s look at a few examples, shall we?
The (not so) Curious Case of Harman Baweja
Harman Baweja was a Bollywood actor hailing from a family deeply
rooted in Bollywood, who are renowned film directors and producers.
There was a huge buzz when the young actor debuted a few years ago.
Many critics were already drawing comparisons to other great actors from
the film industry, even before the movie was released.
Harman acted in 3 Bollywood movies with great star casts, grand set
designs and visionary directors. Unfortunately for him, each of his movies
flopped, and he hardly ever made a movie again.
Millions of dollars were spent making those failed movies. The losses
were staggering. Do you think anybody would take another chance with
their hard-earned money, regardless of who the actor was?
Lesson 1 – Nepotism or any form of privilege, only gets your foot in the
door. In fact, nepotism exists in every industry in the world but is only
glorified in Bollywood because we see it happening in front of our eyes.
There was an instance when I had great job interviews but never got the
job because apparently, the hiring manager decided to go with someone he
was previously acquainted with.
The last I heard from a friend who worked in that company, the person
who was hired instead of me was let go.
Why? Because nepotism or any form of privilege can only take you so
far; it all comes down to your hard work to make it further in life.
If you do not perform up to expectations, regardless of your
background, you are bound to be eaten alive by the competition.
There are a lot of angry and hungry individuals who have been
working hard all their lives just waiting for somebody to slip up so that
they can take their place. You must strive to be one such individual.
The Vivek Oberoi vs Arjith Singh Case
Another Indian actor, Vivek Oberoi, has attributed his lack of work, to a
tiff with powerful Bollywood actor Salman Khan. In case you’ve been
living under a rock, Vivek Oberoi dated Salman Khan’s ex-girlfriend and
Bollywood actor, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.
Is it a fair accusation? Well, we might never know.
Now, let’s consider the case of another popular Bollywood artist, Arjith
Singh who also made the news for a spat with the same actor, Salman Khan.
 Has Arjith Singh found it hard to find work since?
Nope. He is still crooning out soulful song after song in some of the
biggest movies in Hindi Cinema.
Lesson 2 – Do no blame others for your problems when you already
know that your failures are of your doing. It’s a weak move.
I mentioned earlier that I lost out on a job because of nepotism. But that
is NOT the way I should be approaching it (even if the odds were truly
stacked against me).
The way I should be looking at it is:
I lost out on the job because there was someone better than me for the
position. I need to work harder, hone my skillset and fucking kill it in the
next interview.
It is up to you to better your odds, and that’s how you eventually
win.
3.3 The Other F-word (and an Unpopular
Opinion)
I’ve dropped and will continue to drop my fair share of F-bombs in this
book.
Did you know that scientists now consider cussing and swearing to be
signs of an intelligent person? How about that for a plot twist?
But, let’s take a moment to talk about another very important F-word
that governs our lives:
Failure.
Now, my views on failure are a little different. You might call it an
unpopular belief even.
You see, I love having unpopular opinions, not because I see that as a
way of standing out from the crowd, but because I see it as standing up
against a widespread notion. Most people today are afraid to express
unpopular beliefs because they think people will condemn them for their
sentiments.
Have you seen how brutally honest and direct people are on online
discussion platforms like Reddit?
That’s because, for the most part, it’s an anonymous platform.
Individuals decide to be honest only when they are alone when their
opinions cannot be tracked back to them, and only when the mask they wear
in public comes off.
 Here is my honest opinion about failure: we are a little too obsessed
with it, to the point where we have started glorifying it.
Every blog, every self-help book and every motivational guru will quote
examples of how J.K Rowling was turned down by 10+ publishers before
Harry Potter was finally published, or how Oprah was demoted from her
T.V reporting job because ‘she wasn’t fit for T.V’ or how Steve Jobs was
kicked out of his own company.
Undoubtedly, these people went on to achieve unbelievable success.
However, you can’t help but think that stories like these are far and few
from a population of 7 billion-plus people on the planet. Their stories are
uplifting and motivational but are we celebrating struggles to the degree of
glorifying them?
Personal development circles have idolised failure to the point where it
has become dangerous. It leads us to believe that we have a shot at
countless failures, and eventually we’ll make it, completely unharmed. It
can make us overconfident and reckless.
Failures are a part of life, and sometimes they do form the stepping
stones to success. But that’s not a statement, that’s an imperative. Failure
has proved damaging to success, just as many times as it has proved
essential.
The fact is that failure sucks. Big-fucking-time. So let’s call it like it is.
Nobody talks about Nikola Tesla, one of the greatest inventors of all
time, who died in obscurity and poverty. Edgar Allen Poe, considered the
father of the macabre genre, met with a similar fate.
They never lived to see their success.
For every Steve Jobs, there are millions of people who started
businesses by putting everything they own at stake and failed, taking away
their sense of financial security and mental health down with them.
The brutal truth is that not everybody has the luxury of failing. Failure
can make us better, more experienced individuals, but, at what cost? If
you’re in your 20s, you have a few more chances, but if you are in your 30s,
you cannot nearly afford to fail as many times.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking you to fear or be ashamed of your
failures. I am not saying don’t try or take risks. Failures will happen.
If they happen, wear them like a badge of honour, just as you do with
your successes.
 But if failure can be avoided or minimised in the first place, you must
try your best to do so. It’ll save you a lot of pain in the long run.
“So Zubair, how can I avoid or minimise failure?”
Here are some things I wish I knew before I started my first
entrepreneurial venture:
1. Don’t go All-in
You must have heard people say that you need to go all-in in order to
achieve success. That’s actually terrible advice! Yes, you should be
‘absolutely invested’ mentally, in everything you do, but do not put all your
resources in one basket. Try your best to be risk-averse.
First, test the waters. Have professionals corroborate your idea and it’s
feasibility before you take additional steps. Every new business demands
that you test out the demand and viability of a product. Make sure you
apply this to every idea you have, business or not.
Have a backup plan in place so that you can protect your long-term
future and the futures of those who depend on you.
2. Learn from the Failures of Others
Make use of the overload of information you have available at your
fingertips. Many individuals before you have documented their failures.
Just Google the phrase, ‘why my start-up failed’ and you’ll have
thousands of stories to read. This is not meant to demoralise you; it’s
always good to have an idea about both the positive and negative
perspectives.
So read, do your research, and make sure you don’t make the same
mistakes that others made. Your time and money are valuable assets; make
every attempt to avoid wasting them by making informed decisions.
3. Know When to Quit
Unfortunately, ideas always seem bulletproof in our mind, until
someone else shoots a few holes through them. This is why you’re advised
to take the opinion of others before you begin. A third person’s perspective
will help you see the gaps that you might have missed.
‘Never Quit’ is another crappy piece of advice.
The reason we’re often optimistic about our ideas is that we are too
emotionally invested in them. We think that they are supposed to be our
ticket away from all our problems. Eventually, we become way too attached
to them.
 Never let sentiment cloud your judgement. If you think things are not
working out, learn to cut your losses and move on. In fact, it’s probably best
to set the ‘stopping point’ even before you begin.
It takes courage, but this is the only way to minimise failure.
 Chapter 4
Think About Yourself Because Nobody
Else Will
“Ever loved someone so much that you would do anything for
them? Yeah, well, make that someone yourself, and do whatever the
hell you want.”
– Harvey Specter, Suits
4.1 Motives are Rarely Unselfish
(and do Looks Matter?)
Did you notice the dedication at the beginning of this book? It says:
“Dedicated to the most important person in my life: Myself.”
Now that may come off as cocky, but it’s just a reiteration of the fact
that I truly do love myself.
I’ve already established that nobody owes you anything, that the odds
are stacked against you, and also the fact that you must sacrifice a lot in life
to get where you want to be.
Among all these harsh truths, I suppose you would agree that a little
self-love becomes imperative in order to prevent a mental breakdown. Also,
if you do not love and respect yourself, how you can expect others to do the
same?
The concept of self-love actually stems from the basic human notion of
self-preservation.
Our body and mind are far more intelligent than you can imagine. Self-
preservation is a universal instinct among all life forms, to act in their own
best interests, to protect themselves and ensure survival.
Here is an example – When our body starts to realise that it’s in a
dangerous situation, it releases a chemical called adrenaline which has the
effect of increased strength and heightened senses such as hearing, smell,
and sight which can help the body defend itself.
Every normal human being on the planet will subconsciously put him or
herself ahead above others, in any given situation. But this is a fact we are
afraid to admit to in our conscious states because we’re ashamed to come
off as selfish.
Self-preservation is the default state of our body and mind.
 If an individual starts harbouring feelings of self-hate and self-harm, it
is a sign that there is something psychologically wrong with the mind. In
instances such as these, the self-preservation mechanism has been
compromised, and it is imperative to seek help from a therapist, coach or
psychologist.
Motives Are Rarely, and Probably Never, Unselfish.
Have you heard of the term, Altruism?
Altruism is a belief system which states that people often do things for
the happiness of other human beings or animals.
By contrast, psychology introduces the concept of Psychological
Egoism, which argues that humans are always motivated by self-interest
and selfishness, even in what seem to be acts of Altruism. Psychological
Egoism claims that when people choose to help others, they do so
ultimately because of the personal benefits they expect to obtain, directly or
indirectly, from doing so.
The concepts of Altruism and Psychological Egoism have been in
debate for years and years, and it is not possible to prove or disprove, either
concept.
It’s a glass half full or half empty argument. Optimists might want to
believe in Altruism, while pessimists would want to believe the opposite.
It is my opinion that Altruists do exist in this world; people whose sole
goal in life is to serve humanity do exist.
However, they are far and few. These people are more of an exception
than a rule. If you jump from the terrace of a 10th-floor building, there is a
2% chance that you might survive. But when we speak colloquially, we
highlight only the fact that if you jump from a building, you’re essentially
putting yourself in mortal danger.
Similarly, we must live life under the assumption that motives are
bound to be selfish; it is unto us to protect our own interests and start
putting ourselves first because nobody else will. It’s not their fault; they are
just programmed that way!
The Fat Funny Kid – Do Looks Matter?
Back in high school, I weighed a massive 209 pounds or 95 Kgs.
According to the doctor, I was overweight by at least 15-20 Kgs. At the
time, however, I didn’t feel my life change in any way. I mean, sure it was
an unhealthy way to live, but psychologically I didn’t think it had any effect
on my life.
 I didn’t get bullied or trolled for my weight. I was the fat funny kid, had
a great set of friends and life was ‘chill’. However, once I moved to Canada
for my undergraduate degree, I was in for a cultural shock.
People lived their lives differently; they had goals and objectives. They
took care of their health and invested a great amount of time in acquiring
skills that would help them in the future.
A lot of things had contributed to my gross ignorance regarding how
competitive the world was. As I mentioned earlier, the Indian education
system’s singular focus on academia was one of the prime culprits.
A few years later, I would speak to my friends about their college
experiences, and most of them had experienced what I had been through.
They were unprepared for what college life had in store for them. They
weren’t comfortable with the responsibility that had been abruptly dumped
on them: living alone, studying without being actually asked to (all of a
sudden), and taking ownership of life in general, were all too much to ask
of novice 17-18-year-olds. It’s a lot like sending a soldier to war equipped
with nothing but a soda bottle opener.
This is the reason I’ve always been an advocate of workshops and
seminars, specifically designed to educate high school students on what to
expect when they go to university. I have clients and friends who have
wasted a year or 2 because they experimented too hard with their newfound
freedom.
In university, everything I knew about my life and my relatively
sheltered existence, began to change. I started feeling uncomfortable in my
own skin for the first time ever.
So wait, looks do matter?!
Yes, and No. I’m not going to fucking lie here, and say, “Looks don’t
matter at all because people can see through your soul the first time they
meet you.”
That’s bullshit. If I meet Sara Ali Khan, the first thing that would come
to my mind would NOT be, “Oh wow, she seems like a nice person.”
Yes, looks matter, because if you are well-groomed and know how to
conduct yourself in a social situation, you will definitely make a great first
impression. And a good first impression can always give you an edge,
whether you’re at a job interview or on a date.
BUT, looks are not the only thing that matter, because eventually,
people begin to see through your appearance. We are all ultimately judged
based on the kind of people we are.
And trust me, nobody wants to be around a shitty person.
Would I be friends with Sara Ali Khan if she turns into a terrible person,
who throws her friends under the bus for her personal gain? I don’t think so.
(I am sure, you aren’t like that Sara, and this was just an example. Email
me, if you are reading please?)
Remember this: the people who are important to you will never solely
judge you based on the way you look.
But what about the individuals who do?
Well, they shouldn’t be an important enough part of your life in the first
place.
Now coming back to my story, the reason I had started feeling
uncomfortable in my own skin was that I realised I was not being the best
possible version of myself.
How you groom yourself, carry yourself in social situations and eat
healthy plus work out, will have an impact on the way you look. But it has
a much larger impact on other aspects of your life.
These things demand major changes in the way you live your life, but
they can also have a massive impact on your confidence. Once your
confidence is boosted, you start taking yourself much more seriously. And
once you start believing in yourself, other people automatically start
believing in you.
Wholesale transformations are difficult, time-consuming and not to
mention, expensive!
But they are worth it at the end of the day because you owe it to yourself
to be the best possible version of yourself.
One important thing to note here is that there is a vast difference
between being overweight or unhealthy, and buying into the fucking hype
of having six-pack abs or being size zero.
Extremes of any kind are never good for us. So, as regular human
beings, we must understand what is normal and stick to achieving that.
4.2 The Many Shortcuts to Success
(Suck it, Society!)
“There are no shortcuts to success.”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard this phrase from my Desi parents,
school teachers or hell, even random Uber drivers, I’d probably have like
27 dollars.
Ok, I apologise for the dad joke there, but you get the point.
We’ve been made to believe since we were quite young, that there is
only one route to success, and it’s supposedly a bloody long one.
Well, times have changed. We live in a world which is evolving in the
blink of an eye. What you knew last night, is probably obsolete by today
morning. We simply cannot afford to play by the age-old rules.
So let’s go ahead and break them, shall we?
There are, in fact, many shortcuts to success. When I say shortcuts, I do
not mean you’ll achieve success overnight. These shortcuts are meant to
make the journey easier and a littler ‘shorter’, hence the name!
Let me list a few ‘hacks’ that you can use to get ahead in life.
Invest in Yourself
As I mentioned earlier, you need to take every opportunity on offer to
make the best possible version of yourself, even if this means spending
valuable resources like time and money.
I urge you to buy good clothes, get a gym membership and travel the
world alone.
Travelling the world and attending networking events have taught me
more than any education ever will. If you want to truly move ahead in life,
you need to focus on acquiring new experiences and building a network.
When you start believing in yourself, people around you are drawn to
your aura. Try going into a job interview with the confidence of a person
who knows his/her shit, and you’ll immediately notice the difference in the
way people interact with you.
Experience is considered to be one of the key factors in helping you
reach your goals. But the problem is, experience takes a long to accumulate
if you only do it professionally.
By investing in yourself, you are essentially acquiring life experiences
in a short period of time. If that’s not a sure-fire shortcut to success, I don’t
know what is!
Fake It Till You Make It
There is a fine line between pretending to be something and flat out
lying. Some may call it immoral, and yes, claiming qualifications or
experience when you don’t have them is immoral and illegal in a lot of
countries.
 However, it’s ok to fake a behaviour or a mannerism if you think it’ll
benefit you in some way. In fact, when starting out, most of us are faking it
with our characteristic traits. For example, if you feel a lack of confidence,
then once again, people will take that as a sign that you can be dominated.
Most of us have what I call ‘fractures’ in our personality. When people
find out about these fractures, there is a chance they will try and exploit
them further.
It’s probably a good idea to work on trying to heal these fractures.
And while you work on ironing them out, you can pretend to have them
already, as a part of your arsenal for the sake of self-preservation.
Eventually, the habit will kick in, and you won’t need to pretend
anymore.
Know Your Weaknesses
Once again, people misinterpret the real meaning of knowing your
strengths. True greatness comes from knowing your weaknesses
Here’s what I want you to do: pick up a pen and a piece of paper, and
starting put down your weaknesses. They can be professional weaknesses or
just something fun.
Here, I’ve put down some of my weaknesses below-
• I can’t sing to save my life.
• When I dance, I make a dancing Sunny Deol look good.
Ok, here are some serious ones-
• I lack self-control (hence, I take special precautions to not give
in to my cravings).
• I get distracted very easily (so I switch off all my distractions
when I’m working).
• I get anxious about publishing new things. I keep trying to
perfect them (I am trying to master the art of letting go).
You see, once you know your weaknesses, you can save a LOT of time
by not giving in to them. I suck at singing, so it would hardly make sense
for me to audition for Indian idol (not to mention my confidence would take
a hit when the judges berate me).
When you are at one with your weaknesses, you realise the
importance of playing to your strengths.
Embracing your shortcomings gives you the self-assurance to be
assertive of all the GOOD you bring to the table.
Be More Likeable
 “Excuse me, Zubair?! Did you just ask me to be more likeable?!”
Did I just make a politically incorrect statement in 2019?
I did, but remember this book was supposed to be a conversation
between two friends that highlight the brutal realities of life.
On a professional level, most of us are judged on the basis of one
interview or what one piece of paper (be it a CV or College Degree) says
about us.
I am a firm believer that spending an hour with someone in a room and
asking probing questions is a terrible way to pick an employee for a long-
term engagement, but that’s all we have to work with.
So, let’s make the best of it.
Subtle tweaks to your personality and body language can go a long way.
Smiling more, making eye contact, correcting your posture and speaking
slowly and clearly, are sure-fire ways to exude confidence and make a
strong first impression.
Additionally, people love it when you ask an interesting and pertinent
question, and make an effort to listen actively. Put that damn phone away,
and show that you’re invested in their point of view! I cannot stress this
enough.
Certain careers such as Sales, Human Resources and Customer Service
are more likely to demand that the ‘staff be more likeable’ than other
careers.
I’ve also often found a sense of humour and wit to be great tools to
come off as likeable, and even bail you out of a tight corner. Be willing to
laugh at yourself sometimes!
Remember one thing though – the right body language and not being
nervous cannot be learned before a meeting. It’s something you have to
incorporate into your daily life and make slow progress towards.
This brings me to the final shortcut to success (and the most important
one).
Its 2019, Personal Branding Is Non-negotiable
In chapter 3, I mentioned the importance of broadcasting your successes
and how it was imperative to do so. And while in some ways it is showing
off, you need to look at it simply as marketing yourself.
If you invented a drug that could cure cancer, would the world find out
if you just sat at home and revelled in your accomplishment?
No! The same goes for any product or service.
 We must learn to market ourselves correctly.
In 2014, I graduated from university and was struggling to find a job.
Rejection after rejection came my way. Frustrated, I booked a one-on-one
consulting session with a recruitment consultant. He promised to fix my CV
and help me position myself better to companies seeking employees.
This is how it went-
Recruitment consultant: Can I have a look at your CV?
I hand him over a 3-page long CV which has a fuck-load of absolutely
irrelevant information, like the time I won a bronze medal for a lemon and
spoon race back in 3rd
grade.
Recruitment Consultant: Th…this is your CV?
I COULD FEEL MY FACE TURNING RED WITH
EMBARRASSMENT.
Me: Umm, yes.
Recruitment Consultant: Do you how long a recruiter scans a CV
before rejecting a candidate? Just 6 seconds.
That’s right; you have only 6 seconds to impress a recruiter before your
CV is rejected and thrown into a pile, sandwiched between the rejected
resumes of Mr. Chadda and Mr. Khan.
In order to build your personal brand, you need to be very clear about
why you stand out from the rest.
Whether it’s over a conversation or over the internet, you have very
limited time to impress your potential employers/clients.
The first thing you should be doing is building a website for yourself,
your personal blog where you put down your thoughts from time to time.
Eventually, you should consider publishing these blogs consisting of
your achievements, triumphs and challenges on professional networks like
LinkedIn, and even on your social media pages.
A couple of years into my career as a writer, I had managed to build a
strong portfolio of articles. However, I had never compiled them all in one
place.
I never got a call back from the big job interviews.
But ever since I created my first website highlighting all my work,
hiring managers started to take me a whole lot seriously. Conversations
over the phone were no more about what I’d achieved because my portfolio
already highlighted that. Now, the conversations were about what I can help
them achieve.
 Do you see the difference?
By making such a small change, I had managed to increase my value
and employability several-fold.
This is how you build a personal brand and eventually, a valuable
network.
 Chapter 5
The Art of Not Knowing
“Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom
anyone really has nowadays. Make use of that freedom.”
– Michael Ironside
5.1 ‘Bullshiting’ Our Way Through Life
(and Sammy’s Weird Experiment)
Suppose you had the opportunity to know the exact moment when you
were going to die, would you want to find out?
Would you want to lose your peace of mind forever? Because that’s
essentially what would happen if you found out! You’d start obsessing
about it every single day of your life. Every single decision you would
make would be influenced by that little piece of knowledge.
To make matters worse, let’s say the number of years you were going to
live was significantly lower than the average life span of a human being,
what would happen then? You’d lose motivation to live your life the way it
needs to be lived.
“But Zubair, why are you trying to kill me?”
I am sure that’s probably what you are wondering, and I sincerely
apologise.
The point is that while there is power in knowledge and information,
there is also power in ignorance.
Legendary Greek philosopher Socrates, once proclaimed, “I know one
thing, that I know nothing.”
That’s a pretty cool quote if you ask me, and I’d bet it would be the bio
on Socrates’s Instagram profile if the app existed back then.
Socrates believed that all wisdom and wondering could be attained once
we admitted our ignorance.
When you are saying ‘I don’t know’, you are giving the power to free
yourself from the constraints of having all the answers. We’re afraid to say,
‘I don’t know’ because we think people will ridicule us, or perhaps because
your boss will think you have no clue how to do your job!
Times have changed, and information is available at your fingertips, so
the not knowing part can be flipped in a matter of a few seconds; just
Google your query and boom now, you have an answer.
Nobody expects you to have the memory of an elephant.
What becomes important now, is how you process the information, and
your attitude towards acquiring fresh knowledge. Modern organisations are
interested in hiring someone with the propensity to learn, and someone with
the potential ability to make something useful of that information.
Without us knowing, the concept of not knowing (see what I did there?)
is what inspires us in our everyday lives. If you already knew the result of
your actions, you wouldn’t even try the things you were certain you’d fail
at.
And as I’ve established a few times in the book-
“When you’re not trying, you are actually dying.”
Which brings me to another concept:
Most of Us Are Bullshitting Our Way Through Life
A very close friend of mine teaches philosophy and psychology courses
in a college. Let’s call him Sammy.
Sammy has the habit of putting his students through weird experiments.
He indulges them in pop quizzes and tests that are a little out there. And by
out there, I mean stuff you wouldn’t usually find in the realm of traditional
education.
But then I suppose, philosophy and psychology are 2 fields which
demand some out-there experiments in order to open up our minds.
The last time I met Sammy, he told me about an anecdote he had read
online. A professor, much like himself, set an exam where students had to
write whatever came to their confused minds about a small dot on a blank
piece of paper.
Yup, you read that right; the entire exam paper was blank, save for a
small black dot in the middle of the page and the students were asked to
pontificate about it.
Sammy being Sammy, decided to put his students through the test.
“Did anyone score top marks?” I asked Sammy.
“Well, it wasn’t graded, but I did receive a host of interesting answers!”
Sammy seemed very pleased with himself.
I’ll be honest, I was, and I still am, pretty fucking confused by the
whole concept, so I can only imagine what the students went through.
While some of the students had left their paper blank, completely
perplexed (or perhaps they just did not give a shit about an ungraded test),
many students came up with interesting answers.
One student wrote that the black dot was the universe in its entirety and
that the longer you stared at it, the more likely you were to find answers to
the world’s biggest problems. Another student wrote that the black dot had
no inherent value unless it was up against a white background.
Woah! All pretty innovative answers, and probably a whole load of
bullshit too, if you ask me.
But that’s the thing, nobody knows all the answers, and most of us are
bullshitting our way through life.
All you can do is throw a lot of darts at the board that is life, and hope
that some of them stick! Everybody bullshits, but the confidence and
attitude with which you live your life are what’s important. Even if you do
not know the answer, don’t let that create a version of you that is filled with
a lot of uncertainty.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you go into an interview for an app
developer role with no knowledge of app development. I am not speaking
of subject matter experience here; I am speaking of life experiences and soft
skills, such as negotiation, adaptability and conflict management.
Your confidence is the key that makes people believe in you. Yes, you
don’t know everything, but the chances are they don’t either!
It’s kind of like when the best bluff at the poker table, wins.
5.2 Stories You Tell Yourself VS. the Stories
the World Wants You to Believe
Come to think of it, a lot of life is about narratives. There are narratives
that the world wants you to believe, narratives that we tell ourselves and
then there are narratives we end up believing because we are too lazy or
brainwashed to question them.
Have you ever seen an attractive member of the opposite sex and
automatically thought he or she was way out of your league? This is an
example of a narrative we tell ourselves.
In 1968, nearly 50 years ago, after the death of Martin Luther King, a
school teacher called Jane Elliot decided to conduct an experiment to help
her third-grade students understand racism.
She separated the children by eye colour and declared that people with
brown eyes were “better” than people with blue eyes. She cited a special
chemical produced by people with brown eyes that helped them become
more intelligent.
This was all a lie, of course, to make the 3rd graders buy into the
experiment, but it worked!
By mid-day, children with brown eyes had formed their own group and
started highlighting apparent negative characteristics of blue-eyed children.
The blue-eyed children were called lazy, stupid, inept and, more.
Surprisingly enough, the blue-eyed students who were normally confident
learners suddenly started making mistakes! They started believing the very
narrative that was created to put them in a position of disadvantage and
humiliation.
People buy into narratives rather easily, whether heard in real-life or
from the media we so voraciously consume. No wonder WhatsApp
forwards have created such a nuisance in our lives.
My Mum will almost always exclusively believe the false information
on WhatsApp over straight-up logic!
The stories we tell ourselves are important because a lot of people
greatly benefit when we behave like sheep. It makes their job of
brainwashing so much easier. I know I sound like a bit of a conspiracy
theorist here, but hear me out.
You’ll be surprised as to how many prejudices you come across or face
in your daily life. Biases like race, caste, gender and wealth are actually
false narratives that the world has been spinning for centuries in order to
make us feel like lesser individuals.
In fact, these prejudices are so ingrained into our consciousness that the
universe does not even have to enforce them anymore; we do that for
ourselves. How many times have you told yourself, ‘you’re not right for
that job or good enough for that relationship’ because someone else is
apparently more qualified or better looking than you?
How many times have you accepted less because you assumed, you
didn’t deserve more?
This might sound like a bit of a rant, but I’m honestly sick of the
pretentiousness that exists in almost every aspect of our lives. It exists in
the workplace; it existed when I was in school among all the supposed ‘cool
kids’, and it probably exists in my building’s home owner’s association.
What you need to understand is that the people who find the need to
‘pretend’ are often those without any amount of substance in the first place.
 These are people who feel like lesser individuals
on the inside,
trying to compensate for their incompetence by pretending to be ‘above
others’. So, stop buying into their stories, and stop offering them the
respect they definitely do not deserve. The easiest way to do this is by
standing up for yourself and cutting through the fuck-load of crap they tout.
The fact is that most successful people in the world are not always the
ones who went to a fancy college or came from rich backgrounds. Sure,
luck played an important role in their lives, but why complain about the one
thing that is not in your control and, never will be?
Why not work on the things that are? Your hunger to learn, your
confidence and your will to improve and become a better person than you
were yesterday; these are things that you do not need permission to achieve.
Just having a ‘positive mindset’ won’t change your life. Backing
yourself with actionable undertakings is the way to go.
For example, it has long been thought that confidence is a ‘personality
trait’ which comes from positive thinking alone. Researchers have now
found that it is in fact, untrue. Practice, training and experiences are equally
important if not more, to help develop the ‘skillset’ that is confidence.
The onus is on you, to think for yourself and combat all the prejudices
that have been created to serve someone else’s narrative.
It takes time, but once you begin, even in the smallest of ways, you’ll be
able to make a difference.
 Chapter 6
On Mental Health and That Little Thing
Called Social Media
“Mental Illness is not a choice.”
– Unknown
6.1 The Importance of Mental Health
(and the School Reunion from Hell)
In 2014, 3 years after I had graduated from high school, I got an invite
to attend a high school reunion.
2014 was one of the most difficult years of my life. I was in the last year
of my college degree, which I had begun to realise was practically useless,
considering how a majority of my seniors were still unemployed after
months of their own graduation.
I was mid-transformation (if that is a thing), still lacking direction and
the motivation, as to what I wanted to do with my life.
That’s the thing about lack of clarity; even a little bit of it can ironically,
completely blind you.
I wasn’t too keen on going back to school and interacting with people I
hadn’t seen in a few years. My greatest fear was that I would have no
answer to the questions they would ask about what I had been up to in the
past 3 years.
What was I supposed to say? That I was at the verge of finishing a
degree I had absolutely no interest in pursuing in the first place? That I had
no clear career goals or a well-defined path to success?
I decided to attend the reunion anyway, and unfortunately, my worst
fears came true.
People boasted about their accomplishments and future ideas. They
talked about how kind and glorious life had been in the past 3 years.
I honestly felt like shit.
This was the first time in my life that I decided to seek professional help
for my depression. I had struggled with depression all my young adult life,
but like many, I always dismissed it as ‘mood swings’ or ‘emotional
instability due to short term challenges’.
 Depression is not a short-term affliction. Depression is a demon that
stays with us for a long time, whether we comprehend and
acknowledge it or not.
Going into therapy meant that for that first time in my life, I was able to
question, and find the answers to why I felt the way I did.
Was I supposed to feel guilty that I was jealous of the success of other
individuals? Or was it shame that I had felt because of my personal
shortcomings?
The answer is neither.
The human brain is wired to equate time with progress. That’s the
greatest flaw in our respective thought processes. If we do not progress in
our professional or personal lives with the passing of time, so to speak, our
mind takes it as a sign that we are failing.
We must rewire our brain to think otherwise because such a belief
system is problematic for multiple reasons:
a. Our greatest glories do not lie in progress or moving
forward but rather in making sure we don’t start moving in the
opposite direction.
b. Progress can stagnate or completely stop after a point of
time. Leaving it until too late to convince the mind that this is a
fact of life, means you are setting yourself up for a mental
breakdown.
The second piece of wisdom that therapy enabled me to appreciate was
that most people conceal their struggles, and choose to talk only about
their wins. People view sharing their struggle as a sign of weakness.
Hence, people lie and hide.
Everybody has struggles, no matter how big or small. We must never
compare our struggles with another. And similarly, it would only make
sense that we do not compare our successes either.
How a Diagnosis Changed My Life
The reason why the cause of mental health is so close to my heart is that
seeking help is the one thing that truly changed everything.
I initially started therapy for depression, but with time, my therapist
realised that I had been living with undiagnosed ADHD (Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder) all my life.
Seeking help for ADHD came with incredible results. It was like
somebody had turned on a switch in my brain.
 With time and treatment, I was able to find the direction I so severely
lacked. I was able to put my procrastination problem behind me and
transition into a much more peaceful mind-space.
While this is quite a personal aspect of my life, the reason I decided to
write about it is that I want people to give mental health the importance it
deserves.
The taboos around mental health in our society are well documented,
but I never really considered myself as someone who denounced therapy.
However, I was the poster child for the ‘therapy is not for me’ movement.
You see, when you say ‘it’s for you’ but ‘not for me’, you
are
in a way
demonising the thing in question.
All of us are living with some level of mental health issues, and all of us
need help sometimes to deal with them. Talking to someone you trust helps,
and if you still cannot handle it, then seek more professional help.
Put yourself first, not that relationship or job, either of which can ask
you to leave tomorrow, irrespective of how much you love them.
Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. The
same way you wouldn’t be able to work if you were physically hurt, being
mentally hurt severely limits your potential to be at your best. I cannot
stress this enough.
Now, let’s take about something that really messes with our heads.
6.2 Why Social Media Sucks
(and the Social Media Detox)
Social media is a necessary evil.
On one hand, social media has made regular people like you and I, into
the next generation of celebrities and millionaires, given a platform for
people to voice their opinions that might be suppressed, and there is even a
case study that suggests that social media might actually have a positive
impact on people, who otherwise struggle with the way they look and feel.
But the growing negative narrative surrounding social media is just too
powerful to ignore.
If you ask me, social media is a lot like a grander version of my school
reunion. And that’s because people on social media platforms tend to lie
and project their lives to be fairy tales.
Do you know many people who post about their bad days on social
media?
 You don’t expect people to put up updates on their social media saying,
“Hey guys, my boss completely obliterated me today, and called my work a
fucking piece of garbage. LOL!”
It just doesn’t work that way.
It’s always about update like:
‘OMG, my boyfriend proposed today, in front of some giant-ass
fountain!’
Or
‘I had dinner at a ‘fancy as fuck’ place where water costs more than an
entire meal would at a regular restaurant.’
Once again, in typical fashion, our brain starts comparing our everyday
lives to what are only snippets of other people’s lives posted on the internet.
PhotoShopped models and conveniently edited pictures of serene
vacations have been linked with issues related to self-esteem, anxiety and
depression. And let’s not even get started about cyberbullying and trolling,
which is a very real and scary problem.
So, if we know that social media is terrible for us, why the fuck can’t we
get off it?
Because social media is like a black hole, one we are meant to fall
deeper and deeper into.
Companies like Facebook and Twitter were started by geniuses; they
hire super-intelligent people who sit around at work and think of new ways
to increase ‘engagement’.
When it comes to social media, YOU are the customer, and YOU are
the experiment. The more time you spend on social media, the more money
these mega-corporations make, directly or indirectly.
Did you really think they would let you go easily? Think again.
Every aspect of social media is created to keep you coming back for
more.
‘Likes’ and ‘retweets’ on social media are positive reinforcements that
encourage individuals to return to these platforms.
Researches have linked getting these positive reinforcements to the
production of dopamine in your body. Dopamine is the chemical released
by neurons (nerve cells) to send signals to other nerve cells and functions as
a motivational component of reward-motivated behaviour. In other words, it
gives you a short term bout of happiness, and it’s highly addictive.
 Social media is so ingrained in every aspect of our lives that I have
found it impossible to deactivate it.
When I’ve tried to get off Instagram, I have realised that a lot of my
business happens on it. That’s where a lot of my clients find me. When I try
to get off Facebook, I realise I get important updates from work-related
groups there.
When I try to get off WhatsApp, I realise I can’t talk to my mum and
dad anymore because they’ve stopped calling people and only prefer to use
WhatsApp!
The Social Media Detox
After several unsuccessful attempts to get off social media, I finally
decided to take it up as a challenge and an experiment. I decided that
regardless of what it might cost me, I was going to stay off social media for
a certain period of time.
It was imperative because social media was starting to play with my
psychology in ways I just did not like. Plus, one time when I counted, I
realised I had looked at my phone 18 times in a 30-minute period. That’s
insane!
Remember when I said with social media you are the customer, and you
are the experiment? Well, it turns out that you’re the product too.
Companies that advertise on social media know everything about you.
Your likes, your dislikes and your motivations; if you think you are
secretive, you are extremely wrong. Every click and every action is tracked,
and it’s eventually used against you.
These brands want our time, attention, and data to maximise their
advertising profits. And they are getting it by advertising stealthily enough
by making it appear like they are our friends.
Researchers recently found that computers can predict someone’s
personality better than that individual’s family or friends, by simply
analysing 300 of the person’s Facebook “likes”.
I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s terrifying.
My conclusions from my self-imposed social media exile were eye-
opening, and I cannot suggest strongly enough that you experiment with
your own social media detox. It really puts your life into perspective.
How to Set Up a Social Media Detox?
First, decide on a timeline.
 Like I said, social media is a necessary evil. For a lot of you (and me),
staying away from social media forever is just not possible. The purpose of
this detox is just to clear the mind and regain perspective. Whether it’s a
week, 2 weeks or a month, that’s entirely up to you; just make sure you are
able to go through with it.
Second, don’t let the world know that you’re going on a detox. In a lot
of ways, that defeats the whole purpose of this exercise.
And lastly, I recommend you write down the changes you feel in your
life when you aren’t on social media. This way, you’ll have notes to
compare when you get on it again. Also, considering you’ll save a lot of
time by not being on social media, this should be easy to fit into your
schedule.
Three Main Takeaways from My Detox
1. Nobody actually gives a shit – I started off prepared to
do a 2-week social media detox. This then stretched to a month. I
ended up being away for a total of 2 months. Guess how many
people even noticed? 2 people and I’m usually quite active on all
the platforms!
1 and half months in, a friend texted me and asked, ‘Why
haven’t I seen you on Instagram lately?’
Social Media is a cluster-fuck of information. People react to
what they see, but they’ll never go out of their way to know your
opinion on something unless you are a celebrity of some sort.
This leads me to believe that social media is super shallow;
people have got accustomed to tapping, double-tapping and
liking, but most times, it means nothing.
2. I became more productive, and my attention span
increased – This one is fairly obvious. We spend so much time
scrolling through our timelines and feeds that being away from it
will give you a lot of extra hours. With most of my distractions
gone, I was able to focus a lot more and get shit done.
Like really get shit done, not do stuff for 3 minutes and post
on my social media pages that I was getting shit done.
3. I realised I didn’t need validation anymore – This was
my biggest takeaway and the best feeling of it all. Don’t get me
wrong, I enjoy validation as much as the next guy, but I would
 write stuff and create art, and I would always think if it was good
enough? I would run to social media for that validation.
If you are creating something for yourself, then the opinion
of others should not matter. If you create to please others, then
you are not honest to your craft. Yes, a lot of the things that we
do, deserve adoration and admiration from others, but only if you
love it yourself first.
Don’t equate your pictures with the amount of likes you get on them;
your timeline should be your comfort zone, not necessarily a portfolio.
All-in-all, my break from social media provided me with relief,
freedom, and an escape from all the negativity I used to find online. The
more time you have on your hands to think, and not scroll like a zombie,
the more you are likely to figure out ways to better yourself. Ever
wondered why you get your best ideas when you lie awake in bed at night
or while you are in the shower? Because your brain isn’t distracted in those
times.
A lot of things mentioned in this book are difficult to start or do.
However, they are not impractical to do like other self-help books, but the
motivation to start doesn’t come along easy anyway.
I get it.
However, this, the social media detox, is simple, and you can do it now.
Like right now. So don’t overthink. Just pick up your fucking phone
and get off social media for 2 weeks.
You’ll thank me later.
 Chapter 7
Money Makes My World Go Round!
“Money speaks only one language; save me today, I’ll save you
tomorrow”
– Unknown
7.1 Stop Demonising Money; it’s Awesome
“The people, who say money is bad for you, are the ones who
don’t have any.”
– Unknown
While even a cynic like me thinks that’s quite a harsh statement, it does
make you wonder why money has been so severely demonised since the
dawn of society. Those who chase money are frowned upon, and often
linked to having questionable morals.
Since when did money become linked to moral character?
Is it not possible that a man or woman loves money, chases it and still is
charitable, kind and shows concern about the state of the world around
them?
Yes, there are people who break the law, moral codes and destroy lives
in the pursuit of money, but isn’t the whole concept of modern freedom that
we not correlate and stereotype based upon certain examples?
Or, must we condemn every ambitious individual to the doom of
perennial judgement?
While I agree the quote mentioned above isn’t very pleasant, there is a
case to be made for it to be slightly accurate. Could a history of envy be the
reason behind the witch hunt that plagues those who pursue money?
Harsh Truth – Money drives each and every one of us, and sometimes
in more ways than we can imagine.
If money didn’t drive people, they wouldn’t leave their homes and
families behind and move to unknown parts of the world to earn a buck.
People wouldn’t work jobs they hate and pretend to respect people they can
hardly tolerate in real-life.
Even if money isn’t important you, and is important to the world around
you, then money still remains important all the same.
Yes, it cannot solve all your problems and buy everything, but then, is
there anything in the world that can?
 Like every other counter-intuitive thought in this book, I must argue that
there is no point in pontificating about what money CANNOT do.
Here is what money can do – It can solve 70-90% of your problems,
and 70-90% is good enough.
Good enough? Hell, its great enough!
I don’t know about you but I’d fucking kill to have 90% of my problems
vanquished from existence.
I mean, who wouldn’t, right?
In 2014, I worked as a social media manager for a company based out
of Dubai. Part of my job was interviewing clients and collecting their video
testimonials. Soon, I commissioned to interview a high ticket client.
This guy was a millionaire, like a bona-fide millionaire. He passed the
Ferrari and Rolex test as well.
During the interview, he revealed that he was a self-made man, who
came from extremely humble beginnings.
Once I was done with the video testimonial, I could not help but ask
him about how money had changed his life, off the record, of course.
Me: I hope you don’t mind me asking but how has money changed your
life?
Rich Dude: Haha, it’s changed almost everything about my life. kid.
Me: Is it all positive?
Rich Dude: More often than not, to the point where I consider the
problems I have, very inconsequential. They aren’t pressing enough
problems that would give me sleepless nights. Some people give rich folks
a bad reputation, and maybe some of them really are terrible people but I try
to give back as much as I can. I want my money to bring about a positive
change in more lives than my own.
Me: What’s the biggest change you’ve noticed?
Rich Dude: Most times people give you more credit, more respect and
more chances than you deserve. Even if I fuck up, people are most likely to
turn a blind eye to it.
Me: Ok, last question: what has been your biggest takeaway from being
rich?
Rich Dude: Being poor sucks, kid. I have been there, so I know.
I’m sure you’ll agree that every aspect of our life is cantered on
achieving a comfortable and rewarding life.
 But when we have a clear path to achieving that, through accumulating
and growing our money, society decides to tag it as questionable.
Life lesson – Say it loudly, and abashedly, that money is important. Do
not give in to the taboo. Shout it at the top of your lungs, “I love money”,
just like you may love food, video games or your significant other.
We are allowed to love multiple things at once, and money can be one
of them.
How Important Should Money Be to You?
The short answer? Pretty important. Probably like the top 3-4 things in
your life.
The long answer? As important as you want it to be.
But if it’s even remotely important, then you must start thinking long
and hard about how you are going to create a future where your money is
not only intact, but has even made you some more, to ensure your life sucks
a little less!
Research suggests that our generation, based on what they earn today,
and will earn in the future (adjusted for inflation), will not be able to afford
retirement until they are 80. If you are 35 today, that means you are looking
at working for another 45 years!
Fuck me, right?
The first time I read that stat, it scared me, and then it straight up pissed
me off. There is no way I am going to work for 50 more years, not when my
dream is to retire by 40!
7.2 Save Money, But don’t be a Miser
(and is Greed Good?)
Throughout the book, I’ve talked about how millennials have been
fucked over the time they have been alive because of the actions of the past
generations. But this book is also about taking ownership and admitting that
you’ve messed up along the way.
One of the major reasons why our current generation is in crippling debt
is because of a serious mismanagement of our money. We give in too easily,
spend too much trying to fit in by buying shit we don’t really need, and
don’t seriously know how to differentiate between a want and a need.
When I was in university, on the first day of my marketing course, the
professor asked the class, “what is the prime objective of a marketer?”
“To ensure the consumer’s wants become their needs.”
 If you can’t differentiate between a want and a need, I don’t blame you.
It’s because brands are appealing to your psychology in a very specific way.
With the creation of credit cards, personal loans and online shopping,
most of us are spending 125% from the 100% we make. I don’t know about
you, but to me the maths doesn’t seem to add up.
Our generation isn’t saving up for a rainy day and believe me, for I say
it from experience, someday it is going to rain and you might just live to
regret it.
The Best Thing Money Can Buy
Have you ever heard of the term ‘fuck you, money’?
Every person has the fantasy of turning up at work one day, giving your
boss the finger and retiring on the spot. The amount of money required for
you to be able to do this, and live the rest of your life comfortably, is called
‘fuck you, money’.
So basically, it’s the amount of money that allows you to burn any
bridge without worrying about the consequences.
And while ‘fuck you, money’ remains just a fantasy, the real value of
money is not in the things it can buy you, but in the freedom you can
achieve through it.
If you were to lose your job tomorrow, having money would mean that
you can sustain yourself till you find the next right opportunity. If not, then
you might be pressured into taking the first thing that comes your way, even
if you are worth more.
Imagine finally taking the leap and starting out with your business.
Having the money can give you the freedom to experiment a little more
before you find your business model, customer base and revenue generation
tools.
Freedom is expensive, and money is a tricky customer, so make sure
you have a clear cut plan to save.
But don’t just save but also, invest!
Here is what I learned when I started investing. Money sitting around in
your bank account has the potential to bring home a few of its relatives, and
free money is fucking awesome!
Did you know, Warren Buffet, the world’s richest man made his first
investment when he was 13 years old. Yes, you’re probably a dozen years
or more late, but hey, it’s never too late to start!
“So Zubair, how do I start investing?”
 Well, I’m not an investment consultant, so I’m probably not the best
person to answer this question, but here is a very basic diversification of the
investments I opted for-
40% Real estate – Medium to low risk, medium reward
40% Stocks, Mutual Funds & Equity – High risk, high reward
20% Fixed deposits and bonds – Low risk, low reward
If you haven’t been investing your money since the first day you started
making it, then I must stress that you are making a mistake. Spend time
researching how you should go about investing your money, talk to an
investment consultant, or your workplace might have investment schemes
too that you could explore! There is just no acceptable excuse not to.
However, saving and investing money does not mean you must become
a miser.
At the end of the day, life is unpredictable, you could die sooner than
you might expect. Divide what you make each month into 3 categories –
your bills, what you intend to put into your savings and what you intend to
spend on yourself.
Spend on experiences, vanity purchases or actually, spend on whatever
the fuck you want. Don’t let other people tell you how to spend your
money. You worked way too hard for it to give anyone else that right.
Is Greed Good?
Ahh, greed! Money’s evil big brother.
Or, is it really evil?
Are we needlessly promoting another cliché without questioning it?
People confuse the pursuit of money with greed and that’s probably
what gives money a bad name.
Greed though, is a grey character. On the surface of it, yes greed is bad.
Wanting more and more of something, until it consumes every atom of your
being, cannot be anything but bad.
However, in the most embryonic way, along with fear and hope, isn’t
greed what drives us?
“Greed, for the lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right,
greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of
the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for
money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of
mankind.”
– Gordan Gecko, Wall Street (1987)
 According to Grodan Gecko in the movie, Wall Street, greed has been
responsible for the betterment of mankind since the dawn of time.
Google search for synonyms of the word ‘greed’, and you’ll find that it
has very limited synonyms, if any at all.
So, in a way, Gecko is right, since in the course of evolution, greed, for
the lack of a better word, has tended to stimulate survival.
Without greed, an individual, community, or humanity in general may
lack the motivation to build or achieve, move or change. Greed, though a
flawed concept, is the only constant human motivation, and yields desirable
commercial and social consequences, more often than not.
Greed is positive for economies, but negative for individuals who tend
to become consumed by the object of their greed.
So, What’s the Verdict?
Well, the jury is still out; greed is only good for people when they know
when they need to stop.
But then, we aren’t really a race known for our self-control, are we?
7.3 Get Rich, and then Follow Your Passion
Let me conclude the chapter on this note.
Everybody seems to have an opinion about money, greed and basically
about how you should live your life.
It’s easy to be profound when you’re rich, because now your opinion
suddenly matters and people start listening to you, even when what you’re
saying is pointless or absolute trash. If you haven’t achieved some degree of
success, then your opinions are futile.
Harsh Truth – Nobody wants to follow the words of a poor
philosopher
Jesse Duplantis is a US televangelist, who made the news for a crazy
reason. In 2018, he asked his followers to help fund him in order to buy a
PRIVATE JET that costs $54 million.
But wait, that’s not all.
Jesse Duplantis already had 3 private jets! Do you think Duplantis
would have had the audacity to make such a demand if he wasn’t already
rich and had 3 jets?
I don’t think so.
Chances are you’ve heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It usually
finds it’s way on every damn business textbook ever written.
 But in case you took Engineering and still haven’t heard of it, here is the
gist-
Maslow’s hierarchy is most often displayed as a pyramid. The
lowest levels of the pyramid are made up of our basic needs, while the most
complex needs lie at the top.
The basic needs, the first level on the pyramid are simple necessities
like food, shelter etc.
The second level is the concept of safety and security, like health and
wellness.
The third and fourth levels are social needs (relationships) and esteem
needs (recognition).
The final level is self-actualisation (fulfilling your true potential and
feeding your creativity).
That’s all great, but there is a problem:
The concept of self-actualisation is given so much importance today
that we have forgotten we need to first focus on achieving the things that
come before it.
Our basic level needs are bound to go unfulfilled without money.
Financially insecure people cannot always achieve self-actualisation!
We are often told to follow our passion. But the harsh reality is that this
is one of the worst advice you can give anyone. If you want to get rich,
don’t chase your passion, follow the money.
Even if you don’t want to get rich, ‘follow your passion’ is still a
pretty fucking terrible advice if you follow it blindly.
There are some questions you need to ask yourself first. Forget rich, is it
possible to make a comfortable living out of following your passion?
If your passion is one that can traditionally provide financial stability,
then great! You need not worry.
The point is that you need to supplement your passion with actual
money-generating activities. If you’re passionate about food, try becoming
a chef! This is a job that pays well. Sure, you can have a food blog on the
side, and work on it till it can (and if does) become your primary source of
income.
If your passion is acting, then don’t blindly follow in the footsteps of
many and move to Bollywood to make it in the movies. You need to make
sure you can sustain yourself. Try becoming an acting teacher or a casting
assistant while you pursue your passion on the side. Hell, you don’t even
need a part-time job related to acting while you try and make it in the
industry.
Here is an example: Do you know how many authors in India make a
living only by writing books?
Two or maybe three; and that is the harsh reality. In a country with 1.2
Billion people, and probably a million writers, not even the top 1% of
authors can support themselves simply by writing books.
I am passionate about authoring books, but I have not dedicated all my
time and efforts to writing only books. I have worked as a content creator
and marketer while I write books and pursue my dream simultaneously. 
Even if you did decide to follow your passion, you’d have to work
incredibly hard, and it’ll take a long time before you start seeing the results
and there is still no guarantee that it’ll be enough. Hence, you need to have
a concise plan in place.Here is my advice: make time to pursue your
passion on the side, while you do something that gives you financial
security and stability because doing something you enjoy is absolutely
essential to stay stress-free and motivated.
And who knows, maybe somewhere down the line, you might just be
able to turn it into a career. If not, it’ll at least be a part of your legacy that
you leave behind.
 Chapter 8
How to Navigate the Corporate Jungle
“An Organisation’s Culture eats its Strategy for Breakfast, Lunch
and Dinner.”
– Peter Drucker
8.1 Horrible Bosses (and the Game that
Demands to be Played)
Welcome to one of my favourite chapters in the book.
It is my favourite because I’ve had some terrible experiences in my
professional career, making them much easier and more meaningful to
write. While in the other chapters I wrote with tranquillity and serenity as
my companions, make no mistake, I’ll be ferociously typing this one out.
It really baffles my mind, how so many modern organisations fail to
understand what it takes to keep their employees happy. Like, truly happy.
Considering how the sole purpose of every organisation in the world, no
matter how big or small, is profitability, you would assume they’d take
extra measures to ensure their prime profit-making assets are not jaded and
on the verge of a burnout.
Give us the respect we deserve, stop micro-managing us and don’t
leave us in the hands of incompetent leaders. There! Was that so hard?
The problem with these companies is that they refuse to acknowledge
the fact that employees are dedicating a greater part of their everyday lives
to growing the business.
If I was going to see a boss I hate only once a month, that would still be
fine.
But 5 to 6 times a week for 8 hours a day? You have to realise that this
is not an arrangement that can work in the long-term.
Despite being short on money, ironically enough, money isn’t what
millennials are looking for in their professional lives. People who are 40
and under, want meaningful roles that provide the flexibility and
opportunity to grow with and within the organisation.
They want a work-life balance that does their aspirations justice.
Either way, investing in your employees is the best way to ensure that
they become brand ambassadors for your organisation. There are a select
few companies in the world, such as Google that have managed to crack the
‘employee happiness’ code.
I am yet to meet an ex-Google employee who didn’t rave or gush about
the culture and life at their workplace.
So, does that make me want to join Google? Fuck, yes!
In a market where jobs are hard to come by, employees are leaving high
paying ones because they are too worn-out and stressed.
That in itself, tells the whole story.
People who don’t deserve to be in power are the ones in power
While there are no statistics to directly indicate that inept and
ineffectual managers are at the helm, the following facts do manage to paint
a rather dire picture-
• As reported by Inc. magazine, three-out-of-four employees
report their bosses are the worst and most stressful part of their job.
• Inc. magazine further reports that 65% of employees say they’d
take a new boss over a pay raise.
• The average organisation is only 50% as productive as it should
be, thanks to less-than-optimal leadership practices.
• 85% of executives are not confident in their leadership
pipelines.
These well researched and credible statistics are solid evidence that bad
bosses and managers are a regular feature of organisations all over the
world. The problem is only further amplified in the subcontinent and the
Middle East.
An interesting question here is, how exactly do such leaders manage to
land leadership positions in some of the biggest companies across the
globe?
There Are 2 Theories That Might Explain This Phenomenon-
1. People who feel
like lesser individuals and don’t have
enough belief in their abilities resort to different strategies to
move ahead in life.
This is where office politics and internal nepotism arises.
Individuals with the least contributions will go out of their way to
develop planned relationships with the upper management to get
into their good books. Often this means throwing other colleagues
under the bus.
 It’s a dirty game to play, but all too prevalent in today’s
corporate culture.
2. They weren’t like this, to begin with, as explained by
the Stanford Prison Experiment
Now this one is rather interesting.
In 1971, students at Stanford University conducted an experiment to
understand the psychology behind perceived power. The experiment came
to be known as the Stanford Prison Experiment, where volunteers were
randomly assigned to be either “guards” or “prisoners” in a mock prison.
Several “prisoners” left mid-experiment, and the whole experiment was
abandoned after six days.
Early reports on experimental results claimed that students quickly
embraced their assigned roles, with some guards enforcing authoritarian
measures and ultimately, subjecting some prisoners to psychological
torture. The guards had become abusive, and the prisoners began to show
signs of extreme stress and anxiety.
Basically, the guards got high on power, or to be more accurate,
perceived power.
What we can infer from the Stanford Prison Experiment is that absolute
and unchecked power can corrupt individuals, and even being in a position
of perceived power can lead people to behave in ways they would not
usually act in their everyday lives.
Undefined hierarchies and disconnects between top-level management
and lower-level employees are probably the main causes of oppressive
behaviour adopted by mid-level managers.
As you can imagine, the stress and anxiety caused by such behaviour
are bound to have an adverse impact on the productivity and bottom line of
any organisation.
The Game Demands to Be Played
If you are currently a corporate slave like I was for many years, you’ll
be familiar with the concept of office politics, and how it’s almost
impossible to avoid it. I worked for some ‘very different’ companies during
my time in the corporate world, and unfortunately, all of them had one thing
in common – Office politics.
Have you ever been passed for a promotion or a raise while someone
definitely less deserving took your cake, ate it and then babbled about how
delicious it was?
 Congratulations, you’ve had a taste of the nasty politics that I incredibly
despise.
Hell, my mother used to employ 2 house helps and would often tell me
of politics that existed between them! A woman in her 50s and a woman in
her 20s tried to get each other into trouble through gossip.
Politics exist in every office, at every level and in every industry. You
cannot escape and neither can you deny it. It is a game that demands to be
played.
So, how exactly do you survive in the corporate jungle?
Speaking from my personal experiences, there are some steps you can
take which can keep your head off the stake (so to speak) while navigating
your way through the rough terrain.
Choose a boss, not a job – You might have heard this one before, and
while I’ve tried to keep clichés out of this book, this is so incredibly
important that I had to reiterate the point.
A bad boss can really make your life hell and cause your stress levels to
go through the roof. In the short term, it’s something that you can get past,
but living your life under constant trauma while being berated by someone
is no way to live, week in and week out.
In the long-term, it’s just terrible for your quality of life. I’ve worked for
a fair share of good bosses and great mentors, and what I learned from them
was invaluable.
Similarly, I’ve also worked for some terrible bosses that made me
question my abilities and my work.
Before you take up a job, make sure you do your research. Websites like
‘Glassdoor’ and ‘Indeed’ are great for this purpose. You can also ask
around as word gets around quickly in corporate circles, and it can save you
a whole lot of time and disappointment.
Small company vs. big company analogy – As a consultant, having
worked with several companies of different sizes on both ends of the
spectrum, I can certainly say that there are some pros and cons that come
with both, and at the end of the day you need to decide what you want out
of your job.
Small companies are difficult to work for because they’re more
concerned with profitability than a larger, more established company. The
constant need to grow and compete is bound to put employees under
pressure. This is not to say that medium and large enterprises are not going
to be pressing with their targets. It’s just that you’ll be expected to wear
many hats at once when you work for a small organisation.
One of the worst things you get to hear these days is the words ‘start-
up culture’, a term which is code for the fact that you’ll be expected to
stretch your limits for an organisation that is trying to compete with big
players while having limited funds and resources.
Companies that are 5 years old still use ‘buzzwords’ like start-up
culture, thinking it’s a positive term.
As someone who has been a part of many start-ups, let me break it to
you, there is nothing more stressful than start-up culture.
Is it rewarding? That depends on what the company promises you. If it’s
equity or stock options, then yes.
If it’s just wages, and you’re expected to work in a small start-up where
each employee must perform multiple duties to help the organisation save
money, then it’s definitely not. Keep your free beers. Thank you very much.
You must know your worth. You must know the value of your work. And you
must never undersell yourself.
On the other hand, while working for a larger organisation, you’ll notice
that job roles and responsibilities are much more well-defined. You have a
certain function, and you’re expected to fulfil them like a cog in a large
machine. This is both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on how you
look at it.
You’ll learn less in a larger organisation because they tend to be very
hierarchical. In a smaller organisation, where you are likely to be
performing multiple duties, you’ll learn (and perhaps grow) a lot more.
It all comes down to what you want from your career: a job where you
willing to stress out but grow and learn quickly, or a job where you’re
satisfied being in the same position for a longer duration but without the
pressure?
If you are just starting off, or in the early stages of your career, your
choice becomes even more significant because it will set the tone for your
future work life. I urge you to pick wisely.
Stand up for yourself from the beginning – If you are new to an
organisation where your manager has all the inclinations of a bad boss, it’s
probably best to stand up for yourself from the very beginning.
Don’t feed their oppression trip! Be polite but firm, for, at the very
least, you deserve respect. Once you give someone the opportunity to walk
all over you, it’ll happen again and again.
Don’t pick battles you can’t win – Rebellion is great, but at what cost?
It’s very idealistic to sit and think that you want to teach your colleague or
boss a lesson. But be prepared for the consequences once you decide to.
There is intelligence in understanding that there are some battles you just
can’t win, and it’s probably beyond wise not to get your hand burnt while
trying.
Don’t step on toes, and if you do, watch your back – I can’t count the
number of times I’ve seen people stand up heroically (and foolishly) at
work. If you have sharp elbows, and a never back down attitude, the odds
are that you’ll be stepping on some toes. What you’re essentially doing it
putting a target on your back. While you’re at work, it’s just best not to get
on the wrong side of anybody. If you don’t like your job, quietly look for
another one. It’s a whole lot better than getting fired. At least, you get to
quit on your own terms.
8.2 Maybe, there is Light at the End of this
Tunnel
As I wrote in the previous segment, if it is your job that you hate for
whatever reason, then your problem is relatively easier to solve. Bide your
time, and start looking for a new job once your situation allows you to.
However, don’t become unemployed before you find another job!
Desperation and financial stress is the number 1 reason people end up
working in places they are not sure about. If you quit your job while in the
process of looking for another one, you’re essentially putting yourself
through the same cycle all over again. And switching jobs too frequently
looks bad on your CV.
Now, time for some good news! Certain organisations are slowly but
certainly becoming receptive to the needs of employees.
Work-life balance is finally being given the importance it deserves (at
least in some parts of the world), and companies are finally looking beyond
Ping-Pong tables and free beers at work to keep employees happy.
Remote work and prominence to mental health days mean, that
somewhere and somehow we’re headed in the right direction.
Here is an interesting case from Australia to highlight my point. A
digital marketing company called Versa decided to introduce a 4-day work
week in 2018. It gave every Wednesday off to its employees, hence creating
a nice little mid-week break.
What Did They Learn from Their Little Experiment?
The results were fucking phenomenal. Versa managed to increase their
revenues by 50%, and their profits grew 3 times as much! But that’s not all;
Versa also noticed that the quantity and quality of job applicants improved
dramatically.
I can personally vouch for the genius idea that is the 4-day work week.
3 years ago, I was beginning to get very frustrated at one of the
companies I worked with. My manager was a pain the ass, work wasn’t as
overbearing but spending long hours at the office to finish my ‘shift’ was
getting on my nerves.
Most days, I just was not being productive. It was a waste of my time,
as well as the company’s.
I decided to speak to the HR manager, but instead of saying I wanted to
quit, I offered to work 4 days a week in exchange for a pay cut.
Guess what? It worked! And it made a massive difference to my stress
levels. I felt much more fulfilled as I had time to give to my entrepreneurial
side hustle.
Would such an arrangement work for you?
Perhaps, but remember, the answer is always no if you do not ask!
So, we talked about hating your job, but let me ask you another relatable
question-
Do you love what you do, irrespective of where you work?
If you hesitated to say yes, then you are not living a fulfilling life.
Quitting your job and going cold turkey is not an option, because I
understand that money is important to sustain yourself. However, you
should be making plans to acquire new skills or starting side hustles that
will one day allow you to transition into doing something else finally.
And finally, if you are wondering –
I don’t love what I do, and I am not cut out for entrepreneurship
either, what are my options?
The good news for you is that if you are able to develop certain skills
(which are learnable), you can make a career out of remote work and
freelancing. However, this requires that you build a strong network and
more importantly, you need to be ok with the unpredictable nature of this
kind of work.
 As always, like with anything in life, there are trade-offs to make.
Working as a freelancer is unlikely to make you rich, but if money isn’t
on the top of your list of desires, then, by all means, go for it!
 Chapter 9
Dude, Where is My Happiness?
“Stop putting so much pressure on Happiness, and it’s pursuit,
you’ll give it performance anxiety!”
– Yours Truly
9.1 Misconceptions About Happiness
(and the Art of Letting Go)
A philosophy professor walked in his class one day, and asked his
students, “How many of you are happy in this very moment. Raise your
hands.”
In a class of 70-75 people, about 15 students raised their hands.
The professor picked out one person from the crowd and asked, “What
are you so happy about?”
“My mom made pancakes for breakfast, and I really like pancakes. So,
I’m just happy today morning, I guess,” came the reply.
The professor asked another student who had her hand raised, about
what made her happy?
“I just bought a new car a couple of days ago. Now, I don’t have to take
the bus anymore.”
Now, the professor asked the students who had not raised their hands,
“What
would
make you happy?”
One of them said, “I’d love to graduate this year and get a job with my
dream company.”
Another girl who hadn’t raised her hand replied, “My parents don’t
approve of my boyfriend. I hope that one day I can get married to him
eventually, and that would make me happy.”
The professor thought for a while and addressed the students who had
just revealed what would make them happy. “What if you started working
for your dream company and realise that the job sucks? How would that
make you feel?”
He then turned to the girl, “Let’s say, you get married to the boyfriend
with your parent’s approval, and unfortunately one day, you find out that he
cheated on you. Would you still be happy?”
 The students were perplexed and had no answer for the professor. This
was out of the syllabus!
There are 2 very important things you need to understand about
happiness.
The First Is That Happiness Is Often Fleeting.
You ate something you enjoy eating and feel ‘happy’ about it, but how
long is this happiness going to last?
A few hours, or perhaps a day?
You finally buy yourself a new car! It drives well, and you’re super
pumped about it. But how long will this happiness last?
A few weeks or perhaps a month?
A classic psychology experiment conducted in 1978 at the University of
Massachusetts on happiness, involved 2 very different sets of people.
The first set was a group of lottery winners who had won up to $1
million, and the second set of people were recent victims of catastrophic
accidents that had left them permanently disabled. The groups were asked
how much happiness they derived from daily activities, rated on a scale of
1 to 5.
Shocking as it may seem, the group of disabled individuals reported an
average of 3.48, while the lottery winners reported an average of 3.33. The
group of lottery winners reported a lower level of happiness.
What does this mean?
Human beings suffer from something called Hedonic Adaptation.
What this term basically means, is that after a certain point of time, we
accept our negative and positive experiences as a stable part of our life.
Human beings get ‘used to their happiness’ to such a point that it exists
no more. The result is that no amount of happiness can last us forever.
The second thing we need to understand is that a lot of our ideas of
happiness come from achieving something in the future.
We measure happiness with success that we might end up achieving, or
by material things we might end up acquiring, or by a relationship, we
might end up getting into.
You can obviously see the flaw with this analogy, right?
There is absolutely no way to guarantee that you will attain these things.
If you are not happy in this present moment, and there is no assurance
that you’ll end up with the things that make you happy in the future, then I
stand to reason that happiness might just be a myth, because you are
chasing something that might or might not come into existence in the
future!
Harsh Reality: We are taught to buy into the narrative that there is
more to life than this. The day you start accepting that all you have is now,
and that ‘more to life’ you seek might just never arrive, is the day you will
learn the true meaning of ‘happiness’.
You see, that’s where the biggest problem with happiness lies. We keep
linking the words ‘when’ and ‘if’ with our ideas of happiness.
I’ll be happy when I buy a house.
I’ll be happy if I get a pay rise.
Yes, these are goals and don’t get me wrong; they are good goals to
have but only until you don’t start linking them to happiness.
There is only one way to be happy, and that’s when you stop thinking
that it exists in the future.
In fact, happiness is such a heavy word because of all the pressure
people have heaped on it.
Replace happiness with the words pleasure and joy, and now your mind
is more accepting of the fact that they can be achieved in our everyday
lives.
I feel joy because I met a friend for lunch. I feel pleasure because I
finally had that magical first kiss with my crush.
Just think of it this way: happiness cannot be obtained; after all, it is not
a material thing.
Happiness happens when you’re not looking for it and when you’re
not thinking about it. It happens, and then, it’s gone.
Life Lesson: Don’t think of happiness as the cure. Happiness is just a
side-effect. Nothing in life is permanent. It is just a collection of moments –
moments of love, moments of hate, moments of anger and more. Most of
these moments are ordinary ones. But sometimes there are extraordinary
moments when nothing else matters; a moment in which you can be happy
beyond anything else. Enjoy these extraordinary moments, for come
tomorrow, the emotion might not exist, but that moment will.
On some days, you’ll feel good, and on some days, you’ll feel terrible.
That will be the case even if you own a mansion and a Ferrari.
But what do you do when the happiness is gone?
Continuing living your life, and continue creating opportunities where
you might just happen to experience happiness again. You already know
what gives you pleasure and joy. I’m hoping a lifetime of self-observation
has delivered that insight.
This is only the way you can live a fulfilling life.
The Art of Letting Go
Imagine holding on to every non-material thing you ever owned.
All your relationships, all your memories and your entire past, these
things weigh you down.
And now I want you to imagine carrying them with you as you try to
move forward.
One by one, you’ll start dropping things. You’ll drop a relationship here
and a relationship there because you just couldn’t hold on to them anymore.
Now they’re broken forever, leaving you scarred.
Think of your life like a memory card that you insert into a gadget.
Our lives only have a limited amount of storage space. As you move on
with your life, you need to delete the past gradually. If you are the kind of
person who thinks about life’s embarrassing moments while you lie awake
in bed at night, don’t worry, you aren’t alone.
I do that too.
The reason we hoard emotions and are afraid of letting go is that we feel
‘not hanging in there’ is a sign of weakness. But on the contrary, letting go
is a sign of strength; it is an invitation to relinquish unhealthy attachments
to events, ideas, possessions, and toxic relationships. Letting go feels good.
Another reason we are afraid of letting go is perhaps we fear that
people will pick up the things we let go of, and make something better
of them than we did. It’s always painful to watch an old lover start seeing
someone new, or have you ever quit/lost a job and made attempts to find out
how your replacement was doing?
It’s not your fault though; the human brain is wired to take solace from
the past and to constantly reflect on how you could have ended up doing
things better or differently.
All the self-help books I’ve ever read want us to believe that we can let
go of the past by making a change to our ‘mindset’ and ‘learning to live in
the present’. It just doesn’t work that way!
If that were the case, you wouldn’t have heartbroken lovers and bitter
ex-employees complaining about what they had lost!
We already know letting go is good for us, but how do we let go?
 The only way to move forward is to replace your past with new things.
When you get a new job, new friends or a get into a new relationship, the
mind automatically starts erasing the past to make room for the new
memories we will build. Your mind craves being kept busy and distracted;
this way, it stops itself from wandering into areas it shouldn’t.
9.2 Are Our Ideas of Perfection Generic?
(and the Case for Being Average)
Did you grow up reading or watching movies based on Disney fairy
tales?
I certainly did, and that’s probably the reason we are so inclined towards
happy endings.
Want me to blow your mind?
What you perhaps don’t know is that many Disney fairy tales had really
messed up endings when they were first written.
Take ‘The Little Mermaid,’ for example.
You’re familiar with the perfect happy ending that you watched in the
movie: Ariel the Mermaid turns into a human, complete with legs and gets
married to Prince Eric to live happily ever after.
Sweet, right?
Well, actually hold on for a minute. In the original version of the story,
written by Danish storyteller Hans Christian Anderson, in order to develop
‘human legs’ Ariel is forced to drink a potion which would take away her
voice, and also condemn her to the pain of walking on knives every time
she takes a step.
In the name of love, Ariel agrees to these terms and grows a pair of legs
to marry Prince Eric.
Except, Prince Eric DOES NOT end up marrying Ariel, and marries
some other woman instead. Don’t modern millennials have a term for guys
like that?
Anyway, towards the end, Ariel is told that she can be a Mermaid again
if she kills the prince, but she opts to commit suicide instead.
Ouch.
I don’t know if it’s the fairy tales we read as kids, or we believed Shah
Rukh Khan when he said, ‘If things aren’t perfect, then maybe it’s not the
end’, but for most of us, our idea of a perfect life is very similar.
Lots of money, a good job, a good car, a hot partner, etc.
 Here’s something you don’t realise; your pursuit of the perfect life is
indirectly pushing you away from the very thing you desire. Every time
you fail to achieve one piece of the puzzle that is your dream life, you’re
putting yourself through the trials of disappointment and eventual dejection.
If we can accept the fact that no human can ever be perfect, then why
can’t we accept that life cannot be perfect either?
It’s probably because while we have never met a perfect person, we’ve
seen people have perfect lives.
But wait, that’s the thing. We think those lives are perfect because
we’ve only seen them on Facebook and Instagram. We are comparing our
behind-the-scenes to everybody else’s highlight reel!
Remember when I said that money could solve 70-90% of our
problems? Did you forget to consider the leftover problems?
If you are bad at maths, don’t worry, I am too.
No matter who you are, your life will have its own set of problems.
In the segment ‘conversations with a millionaire’, the rich dude in
question told me his life was great. You read it, and you know it. But before
I left him alone, I asked:
“You said your life is great, so you have no problems?”
He laughed and told me that of course, he had problems. There cannot
be life without them.
So, what problems did he have? I don’t know, he didn’t tell me, and I
didn’t feel comfortable enough asking.
But I can think of one – he was getting old, and he had implied that he
hated it. No amount of money in the world could stop him from growing
old and prevent death.
So the harsh reality is this: life differs for all of us; our struggles will
never be the same, even if our ideas of a perfect life might be.
Striving for perfection is ok, but only if you are willing to accept that
you’ll never truly achieve it. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being a
‘regular dude/dudette’. Let’s take a look at that, shall we?
The Case of Being Average
Once I graduated from university, I was obsessed with being above
average.
All my life, I had been average at everything I did. I was never at the
top of the class, never the best at any sport, and as mentioned earlier, wasn’t
even the best writer among my peers (I would find out later, heartbreakingly
enough).
I lost sight of myself; instead of trying to be the best possible version of
myself, I was trying to be better than others.
I kept telling myself, if I wanted real happiness out of life, that if I
wanted people to see me as a contender, I needed to be brilliant (at least at
something).
But then I realised something absolutely contrary. People actually
disliked others who are extraordinary. Being above average gives you a
certain swagger and a certain amount of narcissism. It’s a crazy paradox!
On one hand, you’re trying to be brilliant so that people take you
seriously, and on the other hand, people start finding you obnoxious for
the same reason.
Also, funnily enough, after a point, you get so consumed by your desire
to be extraordinary that all that matters, is your ego. You want to be the best
for the sake of being the best, and not for the sake of self-development. And
that’s a pretty fucked up way of looking at it.
If I was building a team of Superheroes, would I want egotistical
maniacs on my team, or would I rather go for average but dependable
crusaders to help save the world?
I mean, it’s saving the world we are talking about! I am Nick Fury here,
and I cannot take any risks!
There is nothing wrong in being average. There is nothing wrong in
keeping your expectations low. Trying to be perfect all the time is just so
fucking exhausting!
The concept of being the best is deep-rooted in our consciousness
because even as kids, we were told that ‘only the best do great things’. No
wonder we are anxious wrecks who think that nothing short of being at the
top of our respective fields is good enough.
But being the best often comes at a cost.
Take, for example, Marlon Brando.
Marlon Bando is considered by many to be the greatest actor who ever
lived. If there was a benchmark for acting, Brando would sit right at the top.
In fact, Brando’s brilliance and charisma were such, that even in movies
where he had only a side role, he would get paid way more than the lead
actors.
 However, what many do not know is that Marlon Brando had a troubled
childhood as well as adult life. One of Brando’s friends once told his wife,
“I envy Marlon’s talent, but I don’t envy the pain that created it.”
Yes, being average means that there are people who are better than you,
but being average also means that you are better than a lot of people. You
are somewhere in the middle, and as far as present happiness goes, that’s
not a bad place to be.
Your only competition was who you were yesterday, and your only
goal should be to be better than that person.
Am I the best writer that ever lived?
No, and I know for a fact that I will never be. But I’m ok with that
because I’m not writing to be the best. I’m writing because I have
something to say, and hey, you’re reading it! So, that’s not so bad, is it?
Whoop-di-fucking-do!
 Chapter 10
On Love and Relationships
“Love is a lot like maths, a simple concept that can get really
complicated.”
– Unknown
10.1 Love is a Flawed Concept
(and the girl with the Sexist Hypothesis)
Human beings are imperfect creatures.
We crave attention and connection, and we do irrational things in order
to gain them. We also do irrational things when someone gives us the
attention that we so dearly crave.
Even when you are swiping right and left on people on Tinder to fulfil
your ‘carnal desires’, you’re secretly hoping to meet someone who you can
form a real connection with.
What? You thought I wouldn’t find out?
I mean, I remember a time, when I was a hormonal teenager, and all that
mattered was talking to my crush, hanging out with her and trying to get her
to go out with me. I put some pretty important things at stake because of it.
I lied to my parents, fought with my friends and completely neglected my
grades.
I thought I was a rebel with a cause. But actually, I was just a fucking
moron who was feeding my infatuation.
It all begins with the allure. Boy meets girl. There is an attraction, there
is chemistry and their friends are excited for them. They text each other all
night, share their deepest, most intimate secrets, and now the attraction
suddenly switches up a notch; now it’s called love.
They flirt a little more, they think about each other all the time, and
then?
They either break-up or, they get married. But the odds are that the
former is more likely to happen than the latter.
But, let’s say they get married, and then what?
They either live with each other for the rest of their lives, or they get
separated. And in the world that we live in today, the odds of the latter
happening are going up by the day.
 Yes, divorce rates are rising, and they’re rising like crazy.
So where did it all go wrong for love, that emotion which is supposed to
conquer all, while making you feel fuzzy on the inside?
The problem with love is that we have always set it up to fail. We
equate love with compatibility, with physical intimacy, and we use love
to validate our actions.
Love is a flawed concept because only love just isn’t enough. We use
love to justify some serious red flags in our relationships.
Consider Romeo and Juliet. Apparently, one of the greatest love stories
ever told, which lasted just 5 days and resulted in the death of 6 people. If
only, they had paid attention to the red flags.
Ok, so, Romeo and Juliet is just a story, but here is a real-life incident:
I once knew a couple who got married after 2 months of seeing each
other. Most people called it beautiful, I called it dangerous. 2 months is
hardly enough time for people to get to know each other, and that is the
reason most marriages fail.
By comparison, it took me 2 months before I could finally narrow down
on the kind of furniture to buy for my bedroom from Ikea.
Love alone, is built upon the concept of 2 people and their
reciprocation, but what if one person falls out of love?
It happens more often than you’d think.
The couple who got married after 2 months? Unfortunately, it didn’t
work out for them. The guy couldn’t hold down a steady job, the girl
became stressed out and started criticising him, and he turned to alcoholism
to find some solace.
It’s a terrible story, but the absolute, brutal fucking truth is that it was
way more likely to end this way than another way.
Harsh Reality: Relationships and marriages require the most amount of
sacrifices from us. More than anything else we will ever end up doing.
For a relationship to succeed, the yardstick isn’t love.
It is respect, trust, compatibility and most importantly, the likelihood for
each partner to make sacrifices, if and when they must. As much as my
Bollywood-obsessed heart hates to say this, the truth is that there is a lot
more to relationships and life than just love.
It’s normal to be attracted to people, but you need to call a spade, a
spade.
 So say, I’m attracted to you, say I’m infatuated by you, I’m fascinated
by you, or I’m captivated by you. But before you claim never-ending love,
make sure you’re in the position to claim such a thing. Don’t call it love,
just because you’re in love with the concept of being in love.
And don’t even get me started on the concept of ‘unconditional love’.
Unconditional love is toxic because what you’re essentially doing is giving
people the opportunity to walk all over you and treat you like shit, all the
while assuring them that you’ll stick around to watch it happen.
You’re better than that and you sure as hell, deserve more than that.
Everybody does.
Life is long, and most of us have a lot left to experience. Ending up with
the wrong person is one of the most painful and traumatic experiences you
can live through. It negatively affects our self-worth, self-esteem and ability
to trust again.
Love in Modern Times
A long time ago, I was at a party where things got quite interesting. And
as teenagers often do, we started playing a game that is party tradition: truth
or dare.
Spin and someone gets dared to prank call their neighbour.
Spin and someone has to reveal who they have a crush on
(embarrassing, I know!).
You get the idea.
Spin, and a girl who picked truth got asked what she thought was a
harsh truth about love.
Her answer was, “I think one of the most unfair things about love is that
men and women love differently.”
She said it with such disdain! And I certainly wasn’t ready for this
overload of new information.
Where did she get her data from? Readers Digest or Cosmos?
So I, trying to be the protector of the dignity of my entire gender, asked
her to explain her statement.
“It’s easy for guys to fall in love but very hard for a girl to do so. But
guys fall out of love just easily, and girls stay loyal in a relationship
longer.”
That made no sense to me, at all. Also, it was a very sexist statement.
So I went home and tried to Google this little nugget of wisdom on my
piece-of-shit dial-up internet connection. Now, I didn’t know if Google was
different back then, or people just weren’t as ‘WOKE’, but I found no
evidence to support or deny that girl’s hypothesis.
Girl’s Sexist Hypothesis – 1
Google – 0
Of course, I’ve matured since then, and Google has many more search
results for the query. So, go ahead, knock yourself out! Apparently, research
says that men and women do feel and experience love differently.
Damn it, girl with the sexist hypothesis.
But regardless of how we express love, the fact remains that men and
women both often want different things from their relationships or life. This
remains one of the biggest factors behind breakups and divorces to this day.
As human beings, our ideas and priorities change with time. No
matter who you are, I can guarantee that you aren’t the same person you
were back from high school.
After a particular age, life just becomes a lot more uncertain.
When you were in the 8th grade, you had a fairly clear idea of where you
would be in the next 3 years: 11th grade (well, unless you flunked a year or
two).
But once you graduate from university or college, all of a sudden you
have no clue where your life can take you in the next 3 years. Similarly,
relationships become uncertain after a point of time. We don’t know what
the next step could end up being, and it really places a lot of stress on our
commitments.
Do you know how many relationships end because one partner decides
to move to another city to pursue his/her goals? It’s entirely possible to
have conflicting dreams, while still feeling deeply about each other.
Read the previous line again, because it’s very important to understand.
So, here’s the big question: what’s the solution to this problem?
How do we adjust our relationships to the dynamic notions that are our
ideas and priorities?
While there is no straightforward answer, there is a way we can avoid
painful separations, at least to some degree.
The first thing we need to do is be very upfront about what we want
from the relationship itself.
We need to stop demonising the concept of being with someone
temporarily. It’s only human to want to be with someone in a bigger
capacity than just a friend, but placing the weight of expectations of ‘ending
up together forever’ is illogical.
The only important thing here is to be on the same page with your
partner from the very beginning. If you are only looking for something
short term, tell the other person that, so you don’t end up coming off as a
complete misleading asshole.
The second thing we need to do is to be upfront about what we want
from life in the long-term. These are things we can be fairly certain of and
are unlikely to change our minds about in the future. If you don’t see
yourself getting married or having kids, please COMMUNICATE, so that
once again you’re on the same page.
Even if you change your mind about having kids or marriage etc. in the
future, it’s best to be clear about the fact that you’re unsure for now. You’ll
be protecting yourself from the shock that is likely to come if you reveal
these details after you begin dating.
And now, finally, we come to the most difficult part, our life goals.
Imagine you get offered your dream job, but it’s in another city, or you get
promoted, but that means spending most of your time on the road. While
these may seem like the movie clichés that end a relationship, they’re pretty
likely to happen to us at some point in our lives.
The problem with these circumstances is that no amount of prior
planning can help you evade this situation. This is where sacrifices and
compromises come into the picture. You either choose your career, or
you choose your relationship.
Kevin ‘O Leary is a popular investor/entrepreneur and one of the
‘sharks’ on the TV show called Shark Tank which is a reality show where
budding businesses pitch their ideas to investors in order to solicit an
investment that can help grow their company further.
Kevin ‘O Leary was once asked by one of his students to help him make
a choice. The choice was between his successful business (it made 5 million
dollars in revenue a year), or his fiancé, who felt that he spent too much
time away from her.
In typical controversial and pragmatic fashion, Kevin ‘O Leary replied,
“What is easier to replace: a business that makes 5 million a year in
revenue, or your fiancé?”
Brutal.
 So does that mean you leave your loved ones in the interest of your
career or your business? Actually, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s a decision
only YOU can make.
10.2 Signs of a Toxic and Rewarding
Relationship
(and Emotional Terrorism)
If you’ve been paying attention, you already know that a lot about life
can suck, and there is not much you can do about it. (Sorry, I guess?)
But our relationships are one of the few things that we have a decent
degree of control over. Whether it is our romantic relationships or our
friendships, it is up to us to make meaningful ones that can make our lives
better.
Human beings were never meant to be alone. As history is proof, every
person ever born needs a support system to make something significant in
their life.
The material things in life are important, and so is being selfish, but that
does not negate the importance of having a human connection. None of us is
alone.
I’ll be honest; I am not the easiest person to be with. I’ve destroyed
relationships and friendships, and now that I look back at it, I did it for
some pretty trivial reasons. I have taken the love people had for me for
granted, until the point where they had no choice but to let go. It hurts, but I
have the balls to admit that I deserved it.
Contrary to what people want you to believe, it is impossible to live life
without regrets. We make mistakes, and we fuck things up, but we can draw
upon those regrets to make better-informed decisions going forward.
However, at the same time, if there is something I am truly proud of. It
is walking away from toxic people and standing up for myself.
Let me list a few things that I’ve learned from my experiences that will
help you differentiate between a toxic and a rewarding relationship.
The people who tell you the truth to your face, and don’t talk shit
behind your back are worth their weight in gold. Countless times I have
shared ideas with friends, and they have straight up told me that they were
shit.
I don’t feel bad about it. In fact, I love it. Most people today are
pretentious and patronising. It takes guts to tell the truth, and if someone
gives you their honest opinion, it’s because they care. Sure, it might be a
tough pill to swallow, but it saves you from greater future damage. Ideas in
our head always seem magnificent. We tend to overestimate and
romanticise everything we come up with. Having someone drag you down
back to reality is priceless.
Always, and I mean, always keep such people in your life.
Similarly, I’ve had people behave sweetly but criticise me behind my
back. You already know what you must do with such people. Trust is
sacred. Trust is the cornerstone of every damn relationship.
But when it comes to romantic engagements, it’s always a two-way
street. We’ve already established that relationships in their prime form are
glorified forms of compromise. Ok, perhaps that’s a little too cynical, but
you get my point.
Someone who respects your motivations, your goals and most
importantly, your space, is someone you are likely to have a rewarding
relationship with. And if you find someone like that, it is imperative to give
back and to reciprocate those things. Do not be a taker for you must also
learn to be a giver.
And then finally, there are those who I call Emotional Terrorists.
Emotional blackmail is the hallmark of a toxic relationship. People who
threaten to leave you or break-up with you, or try to make you jealous or
brush the problems under the carpet are technically holding the entire
relationship hostage.
Emotional terrorists manipulate entire relationships to fit their
personality. You might not even realise it, but emotional abuse occurs way
too often, everywhere from the office to your bedroom.
We all feel emotions, but without proper communication, we are
essentially putting our friends through the hell of a toxic relationship or vice
versa.
We all have our flaws, and the answer isn’t to love all your partner’s
flaws, but the least you can do is accept them. Draw boundaries which
people involved should learn to respect. Without boundaries, you are
giving people an opportunity to start the cycle of emotional abuse all over
again. If a person tries to resolve an issue by other means, it’s a sign that
there is eventually trouble somewhere down the line.
Here is the thing: most of us already have the emotional intelligence to
understand what is toxic and what is not. You might have read the above
paragraphs and thought, I already fucking know this.
But if you already know this, then why are you constantly getting
screwed over?
Because we’re hopeful that the people we care about will change, and
sometimes they do.
But you need to be certain about how many chances you’ll end up
giving. Anything beyond that is just fooling yourself, and it’s also
disrespecting yourself. What message are you sending to the people who
truly care?
Letting go is not easy, but your regrets exist for a reason. Draw
strength from them, and ultimately, you’ll break a bad habit.
 Chapter 11
Life Sucks, I’m Used to It. Now What?
“Ask yourself the tough questions; don’t be afraid to ruffle your
own feathers.”
– Yours Truly
11.1 Why it’s All Worth it at the End
(and the Power of Now)
So I guess we are in the endgame now. The final chapter.
This is where we say goodbye, but not before I drop some final truth
bombs and life lessons for you to reflect upon.
My goal was to help you accept some bitter truths, which we so
conveniently deny in our daily lives. As we talked about in an earlier
chapter, not accepting the realities of life is another false narrative the world
has imposed upon us.
It’s much easier to avoid your problems as you try to drown your
sorrows with some retail therapy at the mall, a cup of coffee in hand and ice
cream to follow when you’re done. It’s much easier to binge-watch a T.V
show on Netflix than to wake up early the next morning and face your
problems head-on.
The world, and when I say the world, I mean large corporations and
governments, prefers we stay like sheep because sheep in their own virtue,
are scared of rebellion. When a revolution or change happens, the
individuals who run the world get knocked off their fucking perch.
And they’ll do anything to stop that from happening.
Why do you think that despite being the most highly educated
generation that ever existed, that despite having every piece of
information available at our fingertips, we are also a generation that is
so absolutely, remarkably, fucking helpless?
We’ve made stupid people famous, developed unhealthy coping
mechanisms and stopped taking care of ourselves to fit into some imaginary
box.
Yes, we live in a world of instant gratification. Our fellow human beings
are just a text away. Everything that is materialistic and to some extent,
immaterial is available to us in a very short period of time.
 And yet, we are so fucking distracted! We are so preoccupied and
confused that we have no clarity as to how we are going to go about solving
our problems.
While it’s foolish to expect a rebellion that’ll overthrow large
corporations and inadequate governments, (wherever they may exist across
the world) here is what you can do:
You can begin by creating a small rebellion in your own life.
Try disconnecting from everything that makes your life easier and doing
things that make you feel uncomfortable. And for the hundredth time, no,
changing the way you think of changing your mindset to a positive one will
not help you in this journey to change.
You need to back your thoughts with quantifiable actions. That’s
when real transformations happen.
So, why is it all worth it at the end?
Because It Feels Fucking Good.
I know what you’re thinking, “Did you just write this entire book, to tell
us it feels good, and that’s why it’s worth it?”
Yes, and I’m serious. There is no better motivation than to understand
that when you transform your life for the better, you’ll get more attention,
get praised a whole lot more and most importantly, get the respect you
deserve.
I am not going to sit here and tell you it’s worth changing your life only
because you’ll make some magical fucking discovery about your inner-self.
No.
You’ll feel better about yourself when you try and become the best
possible version of yourself
because the change will bring you attention,
approval and admiration. These are the things we crave for. These are the
things that are oh, so addictive!
If it’s shallow to think that way, then so be it. I’d rather be a slightly
shallow individual than a person who refuses to take ownership of his or her
life.
Take note; SWAG isn’t cool. Saying You Only Live Once and
making stupid decisions doesn’t make you cool. Being outraged over
insignificant things that don’t concern you does not make you cool.
Being responsible is cool; paying your bills on time is cool (there I said
it!) and being accountable for your actions is cool.
 But anyway, none of this information is worth it, until you do what I say
next.
The Power of Now
Have you ever procrastinated so much that an approaching deadline
gave you anxiety?
Have you ever made up your mind to hit the gym, but first decided to
right-swipe a few potential mates on Tinder, watch another episode of
Friends and search for a cake recipe you are never going to bake anyway?
That was my life every day. I kept saying ‘tomorrow’, and I kept putting
things off until they blew up in my face.
You’ve read this book, and now you know what you need to do to
become better than you were yesterday. But do you want to know a
secret?
You already knew that even before you read this book.
Nobody knows you better than yourself. You know your
shortcomings and are aware of all the brutal truths in the book. You
just don’t say them out loud.
So if you already know what you need to do, then why haven’t you
done it yet?
Because: procrastination.
The habit of putting things off till later is a disease. Actually, no scratch
that! It’s a fucking epidemic is what it is.
It’s worse than lying to yourself because at least then, you’re buying
into your own bullshit; in this case, you have no excuse.
Procrastination is a paradox in itself. Researchers believe that we
procrastinate because we fear failure, which prevents us from finishing
what we need to do. The only problem is that when we procrastinate, we are
setting ourselves up for failure all the more. Time and again, the pattern
repeats itself.
There is also a chance that it is the success that you might fear. If that’s
the case, then your answer is in the above-written paragraphs. Success feels
good, so damn good! It’s an inexplicable feeling. It’s akin to a high that no
drug in the world can provide.
Get on the train, my friend.
So, what exactly is the power of now? The power of now is the most
real thing in the world because you’ll feel the effects instantly when you
take the first step.
 Have you felt that sudden surge of inspiration or the continued
motivation that follows when you finally begin something? That’s the
power of now, flowing through your body in all its glory.
The only way to counter procrastination is to take the first step. It’s ok if
you take baby steps. Just start when the clock hits ‘now’.
If you aspire to hit the gym, start by going for 10 minutes on the first
day. If you need to finish an essay, write 100 words now.
I put off writing this book, or any book as for that matter, for ages. The
only way I could overcome it was when I started writing the first 100
words. Gradually, it became a habit. The human brain only takes 21 days to
develop or kick a habit.
You just need to do something for 21 straight days out of the 28,440
days the average human being lives. You have approximately 1,300 chances
to start a 21-day habit. That’s a lot of chances, and I really fancy your odds.
I understand that it’s not easy to do all the things that are mentioned in
this book, but the difficult part only lies in taking the first step. If you can’t
begin with investing your money, begin with something easier: start a social
media detox.
Whether you liked this book or absolutely fucking hated it, or are
just neutral about it, you still spent your hard-earned money, so let
your take away be this: Make sure to use of the power of now.
11.2 7 Difficult Questions that you Need to
Ask Yourself
This segment is essentially like an episode of a talk show.
Don’t worry, this is no rapid-fire round, and you’re the host plus the
interviewee, so you can take your time answering these questions.
I’m not really a big believer in writing shit down (blame it on the
procrastination!), but I recommend you take a pen and a piece of paper or
journal to jot down your answers so that you can reflect on them later.
Yes, my sweet summer child, I just asked you to write stuff down, and I
am serious here. Listen to me once, will you? Pretty please?
Also, these won’t be inconsequential questions like, ‘where do you see
yourself in 5 years’ or ‘why aren’t you living like today was your last day?’
or ‘are you truly happy?’
Because the answer to these questions usually is:
1. ‘I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner.’
 2. ‘If I lived like today was my last, I’d be in prison before
lunch’ and;
3. ‘Sometimes, I am happy, and sometimes, I am not.
Happiness isn’t a constant.’
No, these are more pertinent questions that you need to ask yourself.
And try to be honest, will you? You’re in trustworthy company (of
yourself).
1. Was My Past Better than My Present? Why?
If you answered yes, then this is a sign that you’re still living in the past.
I don’t blame you though. Things only become significant when they
become memories, and I am all for cherishing them from time to time. We
seek comfort in our past, and that’s pretty normal, but it’s not necessarily
always healthy.
No, I won’t ask you to start living in the present because that’s easier
said than done.
But I’ll ask you to do this: start believing in yourself a little more. The
person who created your past was you.
Sure, you had help from fate and destiny, but those things ARE going to
be a part of your future too. Destiny doesn’t hate you specifically for some
strange reason; it’ll
come
good, eventually.
You cannot recreate your old life, but you know what it felt like, so you
can create something similar for yourself.
Again, the person who created your past was you. You charmed your
way into a relationship, you were loyal enough to have great friends, and
you were good enough to work a job you loved.
If you did it once, you can do it again.
2. Do I feel Envy when I See My Peers Do Better?
If you said yes, it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s only human to envy.
But there are 2 kinds of envy: one that fuels you and the other that
destroys you.
As a metaphor, if you want warm milk, you must put the milk on a
stove, but if you keep it there for too long, it’ll boil over and spill.
The first thing you need to understand is that jealousy and envy are two
very different things. Jealousy is about wanting a specific thing that
someone else has.
Envy, on the other hand, is the desire for something in general that you
don’t have.
 Envy that fuels you is a sign that you think that you deserve better
because you can do better.
If that’s the case, then fucking prove it!
Be competitive, take the extra initiative and stop making excuses. If you
got passed over for a promotion, don’t tell yourself that your colleague was
promoted because they were on good terms with the manager. Look for
what you can improve within you, and let your work do the talking. Even if
that doesn’t help in your current job for whatever reason, it’ll definitely
come in handy in the next one.
Envy in limited proportions is an excellent force of motivation.
However, at the same time, be brave enough to accept your
limitations. No, we cannot have it all, and that’s life.
If envy affects, you negatively enough to a point where you cannot
accept these facts, then I suggest you talk to someone about it. A therapist
can really help you put things into perspective. It’s a safe space where you
will not be judged, and you can seek to gain some amount of peace.
Living a life where you’re constantly unhappy because of others, will
only end up consuming you.
3. On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Much Do You Hate What You
Do? Why?
If your answer was 8 or more, then we have a problem.
Hating what you do to that extent will severely impact your quality of
life in the long-term. Stress and anxiety will make you grow old and
jaded faster than you can imagine.
The good news though, is that you don’t have to remain where you are.
Did you know you can acquire skills like digital marketing, graphic
designing and social media marketing in less than 3 months?
These fields also happen to hire often and pay well.
Did you know that you can start a business with hardly any investment
these days?
My point is that you don’t need to feel stuck if you hate what you do.
It’ll be a struggle initially, but you can transition to a new career.
If you answered 7 or under, odds are you hate your job more than your
profession. In that case, look to switch to a job which fits the kind of
balance you crave for in your life. This is much easier to do than you think.
As a very wise man once said,
 “If you are unhappy with where you are, move. You are not a fucking
tree!”
If you answered 3 or under, then just accept the fact that no job will be
perfect. Work is work. You’d rather be sipping on a pina colada on a beach
somewhere, but you got to do what you got to do. Try to make more time
for a hobby or a passion. This way, you can manage to de-stress yourself.
4. Who Was Your Ex-best Friend and Ex-partner? Why Did it
End?
The point of answering this question is simple. You just need to
examine if you are messing up the relationships that don’t work or if they
die organically, or rather, was it the other person’s fault?
We often let our emotions cloud our judgement. So, perform a
complete autopsy of why an older relationship ended.
Were they assholes to you? Did you behave like one towards them?
Friendships and romantic engagements require work, and if you are not
too happy being alone, you need to start putting in the work.
As I mentioned earlier in the book, I am not an easy person to be with.
But I always found reasons to blame others and absolved myself of any
guilt.
It was only when I released my emotional fragilities and shortcomings
that I started to accept my faults with regards to the death of my
relationships. I have had much more fulfilling relationships since, and that
in turn, has helped me live a much more fulfilling life.
5. Is My Perspective of My Own Life Fair?
Are you giving yourself enough credit for the things you have
accomplished?
Are you feeling sorry for yourself, more than you need to be?
One of the most important things in life is perspective. It’s absolutely
essential if you want to grow. I know people who beat themselves up about
little things, and I also know people who are always complaining about how
life has been unfair to them.
These are both extremes, and extremity is never a good thing.
You must have often heard how cops and detectives aren’t allowed to
investigate cases that involve someone they might know. This is because
their proximity to the victim can cloud their judgement.
Detach yourself from your life and look at it from a third person’s
perspective. If you cannot do that, ask someone who you completely trust
to give you the unabashed and blatant truth about yourself. It is such a
simple but powerful concept, and yet, most of us don’t make use of it.
Ask them to list down your best qualities and your negative qualities.
You’ll be immensely surprised by what you learn about yourself.
6. If I Suddenly Acquired Money, Fame or Power, Would I
Become a Shitty Person?
Sometimes we start becoming the people we so dearly hate.
As I have tried to establish multiple times in this book, money, fame or
power aren’t immoral things on their own. How people use them or try
to acquire them is what gives rise to immorality.
So ask yourself, would acquiring these things make me a shitty person?
If you answered, “I don’t know, Zubair. I can’t say.”
You’re lying to yourself.
But, if you were brutally honest and said, ‘Yes’ then:
a. I love you for that, and;
b. It’s not a crime to think of committing a crime (so you’re
ok, for now!)
The one thing that should come above money is respect. That is a
certainty.
With money, fame and power, there comes an added responsibility
because now you matter. Your actions would not only influence others but
can also set examples for others.
For example, if you become a manager or a teacher, the only way to
achieve true respect would be by becoming a leader, who gives a fuck about
the growth of his/her team or students.
If you become a shitty person for whatever reason, you stand to lose all
the respect you’ve earned in your life. Just the way you don’t respect shitty
people, people won’t respect you.
Are you ok with losing that respect? Think about it.
7. Do I Personally Believe I’ll Make it?
And finally, the most important question of them all.
This is once again about the narratives, and the stories we tell ourselves.
I used to be a very under-confident person, but even then, I would tell
myself that I will end up doing something that matters.
The Definition of ‘Making It’ Is not Quantifiable.
Making it simply means, completing a life that feels fulfilling and crazy
at times and perhaps you did something that matters (at least to you).
 From time to time, keep telling yourself that you’re going to ‘make it’.
I mean, actually, whisper it to yourself. You may not know this, but
sometimes you do need to hear it!
So that’s about it, for the question and answer round — no long speech
here to conclude.
Just Hope You Were Honest With Yourself.
Ciao!
 Epilogue
The Power of Negative Thinking…
Wait. What?
“Google didn’t provide me with an appropriate quote to put
here!”
Phew! With all that self-help industry bashing, I’ve probably got myself
an assassin, commissioned by the self-help mafia, looking to take me out
(the things I do for you guys!).
On a serious note, I hope that during the course of this book, I was able
to dispel some myths about how most self-help books are repackaged crap
of the same positive thinking notions.
Is positive thinking bad for you?
No, not in theory at least; but too much of it can be dangerous!
These books essentially say that if you visualise your success, ignore
self-doubt and don’t listen to any (positive or negative) criticism, and you’ll
end up succeeding in life.
The problem is that books like ‘The Secret’ revolve around the laws of
attraction, which put you at the ‘centre of the universe’. It states that if you
start constantly thinking about everything you want, the universe will be all
nice about it, and give those things to you. So basically, if you start
believing you are rich, you will be rewarded with wealth.
That sounds a lot like a ‘narcissistic trip’ to me. And this is exactly the
reason why reading such books make us feel good, even if they are
eventually misleading.
Self-help books are like ‘Bollywood Masala’ Movies. They might be
fun, but you should probably not take them too seriously, or you’ll end up
losing some valuable IQ points.
Ok, now here is the weird part: Researchers say that negative
thinking might actually be more useful for success as compared to all
that delusional level positive thinking.
Wait. What?
Yes, scientific evidence and more than 20 years of research by New York
University’s Gabriele Oettingen, suggests that positive thinking can lead us
to become more relaxed, making it harder for us to get shit done.
 But Gabrielle Oettingen’s study is not the only one that defends the
notion of negative thinking. Other studies have shown similar results. One
study conducted in British households found that across two decades,
especially optimistic self-employed people earned about 25 per cent less
than their cynical peers.
Another research conducted in Germany over a 30-year period
concluded that older adults who had underestimated their future
satisfaction were less likely to die prematurely than their optimistic
counterparts.
And it makes sense, doesn’t it? Being overly optimistic does lead to
disappointments.
Imagine thinking you’d do well in an exam and then realising that you
had fucked up when you get your final grades. On the other hand, the fear
of failure might have pushed you to organise yourself better and optimise
your performance.
In my book, the opposite of Optimism IS NOT Pessimism; for me,
the opposite of Optimism is Realism.
Negative Thinkers are not
pessimists; they are hard-edged realists. It is critical to understand the
difference.
Here is a list of reasons why Negative thinking, for the lack of a
better word, might be good for you:
1. It Prepares You for the Potential Tough Times that Lie
Ahead
Negative thinkers have a competitive advantage when it comes to
overcoming hurdles. The fact that they are willing to accept that things
could go sideways allows them the courage to face their problems head-on
when and if they do come.
2. It Keeps You a Step Ahead of Everyone
Negative thinkers keep their minds open to every possibility and
anomaly that can happen, which means that sometimes, they start thinking
of solutions before the problems even appear. They have a plan A and plan
B, AND a plan C! I suppose, I don’t need to tell you that people who plan
ahead of time, are more likely to fare better.
3. It Gives You a Better Perspective of Opportunities
Negative thinkers are less likely to get complacent. The fact that they
are always alert about their failures means that they have a good eye for
identifying potential positive opportunities when they arrive.
 Realism is all about maintaining a balanced perspective of life. It’s
about ‘preparing to win’, rather than hoping to win.
In Conclusion
“Ok Zubair, so positive thinking is bad and negative thinking is
good, and Rachel doesn’t like Bruce Wayne because he is a snob, but
she also can’t date Batman because he is a vigilante?”
I bet you’re confused, so let’s put the positive and negative thinking
mumbo-jumbo aside for now. All you need to know is this:
Success and happiness are deeper constructs, and human beings are
a lot like ‘onions’.
We have depth, and we have layers; no one book or thought process
is meant to fit all of us.
Like it says on the cover, this is not a self-help book, it was never meant
to be. This is a conversation about what you shouldn’t be afraid to tell
yourself. If you can derive a particular way of life from these conversations,
that might help you do better, then that’s the icing on the cake!
Let me end the book on this note, without any dramatic reveals or
twists:
Life sucks, but that’s ok. Some days, it’ll kick your ass, but on other
days, you can repay the favour.
Live one day at a time, comrade.
Love,
Your no-filter friend
 Letter to the Reader
Hey Dude/Dudette,
Thank you for taking this journey with me! I know it’s not the easiest
book to read, but I’m glad you decided to get through it. I hope I’ve
achieved at least 1 of the 3 goals I mentioned in the Preface.
If you have something on your mind that you’d like to share, feel free to
email me on zubair.writes@gmail.com. I’ll do my best to reply!
If you bought this book online on platforms like Amazon, Flipkart, etc.,
here is something you can do:
1. If you liked the book, I’d request you to leave a positive
review about what you liked, and what aspect of your life it will
most likely have an impact on. You can come back and read
your review sometime later, and decide if it did indeed have a
positive effect.
2. If you didn’t like the book, that’s ok! Leave some
constructive feedback about how I can improve my craft. I’d
really appreciate that.
3. Once you are done with your social media detox, and you
decide to come back, post a picture of your favourite
quote/point/opinion from the book and add
#LifeSucksGetUsedToIt. Let’s use social media for a positive
movement and stop regular self-help books from spreading half-
fucking-truths!
Tag me on Instagram @reluctant.opportunist, and I’d be
happy to repost!
4. To do my bit of good in the world (yes, I’m an altruist at
times), I volunteer with some organisations that encourage
book recycling. Pass this book on to a friend if you don’t want to
hold on to it, and ask for a book in exchange. This is the easiest
way to spread some knowledge and cultivate a habit of
continuous reading, which is seriously declining.
See you on the other side.
Cheers!
Zubair
 About the Author
Mohamed Zubair is a Paradox.
He considers himself an opportunist but is reluctant and reclusive.
He has often found himself to be an optimist but lives life with a certain
degree of cynicism.
He finds it pretentious to write an author bio in the third person but
wrote this anyway.
Zubair enjoys writing poetry, listening to Qawwalis and harbours an
unhealthy obsession with sarcasm, movies and T.V.
If an Indian aunty happens to ask what he does, you might say that he
works as a content writer, marketing consultant, and more recently, as a life
coach with a unique approach.
Zubair is firm that the only thing Humans can know with certainty is the
fact that Dosas taste better than idlis, and remains adamant that he’ll never
reveal how he truly feels about Vadas.
Life Sucks. Get Used To It. is his debut book.
 Table of Contents
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Preface
Prologue – You’re Fucked
Chapter 1 – The Real Emotions That Drive Us
1.1 What’s the Deal With Fear? (and Jim did a bad thing)
1.2 Fear Over Other Emotions (and the writer that never was)
1.3 Anger is a Beautiful Thing (and the nightmare neighbours)
Chapter 2 – Nobody Owes You Anything
2.1 What do You Want, a Participation Certificate?
2.2 The Man Who Saved the World (and fuck modesty!)
Chapter 3 – The Odds Are Stacked Against You, but Here is How
You Win
3.1 The Theory Behind Winning (and the Leicester City Fairy Tale)
3.2 On Privilege & Luck (and the not-so-curious case of Harman
Baweja)
3.3 The Other F-word (and an Unpopular Opinion)
Chapter 4 – Think About Yourself Because Nobody Else Will
4.1 Motives are Rarely Unselfish (and do Looks Matter?)
4.2 The Many Shortcuts to Success (Suck it, Society!)
Chapter 5 – The Art of Not Knowing
5.1 ‘Bullshiting’ Our Way Through Life (and Sammy’s Weird
Experiment)
5.2 Stories You Tell Yourself VS. the Stories the World Wants You to
Believe
Chapter 6 – On Mental Health and That Little Thing Called Social
Media
6.1 The Importance of Mental Health (and the School Reunion from
Hell)
6.2 Why Social Media Sucks (and the Social Media Detox)
Chapter 7 – Money Makes My World Go Round!
7.1 Stop Demonising Money; it’s Awesome
7.2 Save Money, But don’t be a Miser (and is Greed Good?)
7.3 Get Rich, and then Follow Your Passion
 Chapter 8 – How to Navigate the Corporate Jungle
8.1 Horrible Bosses (and the Game that Demands to be Played)
8.2 Maybe, there is Light at the End of this Tunnel
Chapter 9 – Dude, Where is My Happiness?
9.1 Misconceptions About Happiness (and the Art of Letting Go)
9.2 Are Our Ideas of Perfection Generic? (and the Case for Being
Average)
Chapter 10 – On Love and Relationships
10.1 Love is a Flawed Concept (and the girl with the Sexist
Hypothesis)
10.2 Signs of a Toxic and Rewarding Relationship (and Emotional
Terrorism)
Chapter 11 – Life Sucks, I’m Used to It. Now What?
11.1 Why it’s All Worth it at the End (and the Power of Now)
11.2 7 Difficult Questions that you Need to Ask Yourself
Epilogue – The Power of Negative Thinking… Wait. What?
Letter to the Reader
About the Author