Descriptive writing

As I peered out of my window I saw a blanket of snow covering trees, the ground, and houses. It was

Christmas morning. I instantly hopped out of bed and sprinted to the living room to see the

extraordinarily decorated room - red stockings on the fireplace, gold ribbons dangling around the room,

LED lights carefully decorated all over, and last but not least, the Christmas tree. It was decorated with

at least 50 ornaments, colorful lights and ribbons, and a dazzling star. This had to be the best house

decoration I have ever seen! I then started to wake up my sister, mother, and father. My sister was so

excited about opening her presents, she was hopping into the living room singing the Jingle Bell while

my dad and mom were surprisingly super duper excited. We sat down near the tree and got ready to

open our presents. First, my sister opened her presents and got Barbie dolls, a Barbie house, and a

Nintendo Switch. My sister hugged her presents, thanked us all, and stared at them. Next, my dad

💝
opened his presents and got a new watch, perfume, and diy presents from my sister and me. He said

that he was grateful to have such a lovely family. After that my mom opened hers and found Skin

care products, kitchen gadgets, and scented candles. She had a big smile on her face and hugged all of

us. Last but not least it was my turn. I slowly opened my first one and it held a small comb. The next one

had a bowl. And the last one had a collar. By the time I finished opening my presents, I felt puzzled. I

thought I had put way cooler items on my wish list. It was unfair that my sister got a Nintendo Switch!

Just as I was about to get up, I saw my parents winked at each other and went to get something from

the garage. It was massively suspicious. My mom and dad got a box with a ribbon. They held it to me

and said that this was the last piece of the puzzle. Puzzled, I untied the ribbon and something pounced

on me it was licking me, it felt hairy. Was it what I was thinking of? A DOG? I held it and looked into its

eyes. It was a golden retriever puppy, my dream pet! It was so much more than adorable. I cautiously

put the dog down and hugged my amazing parents. I looked back at the dog and said her name would

be Aqua. My mom said that I can do anything with aqua if I can clean her up, clean her waste, take her
for walks and feed her. I love my family so much! I said that I will clean her up and take care of her.

And we sealed the deal with a hug.

Elisha, I feel that you are capable of producing a better piece of writing than this. It is evident to me

that you have not re-read your work to check for errors nor areas you could re-phrase and improve

on. There are some good descriptions but overall, much of the language and phrasing seems very

basic, too basic for a child of your ability.

Please try harder in future.

Areas to look at :

● Grammar - plurals / singulars / paragraphs / spelling

● Structure - plan beforehand

● Description - use literary devices such as synonyms, metaphors, similes

● Content - much of the content is focused on the house decorations and your sister’s gift

opening. Only at the very end do you mention the dog, yet the title of the essay was getting my

first puppy.

Imagine that if each area as above is worth 25% out of 100% and give yourself a fair score for each

area.

1. Grammar - 13%

2. Structure - 13%

3. Description - 10%

4. Content - 10%