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 WEDDING FOR ONE

Written by

Kari Granlund

Industry Entertainment
323-964-9222
INT. CRATE & BARREL - SOHO, NEW YORK - DAY

EMMA, 27, creeps methodically down the Kitchen Supplies aisle

clutching a WEDDING REGISTRY GUN like a 9mm.

Emma is an immediately charming guy’s girl who could do

anything with her life if she would only stop hitting the
snooze button. Instead, she hides behind sarcasm and the same
oversized sweater she wore yesterday.

She peers down an aisle and surveys the endless armory of

next-gen cutlery, searching for her target.

Just then, a BOY, 10, flashes past the aisle, wielding his
own registry gun. Emma SNAPS INTO ACTION, chasing after him
and making gun noises with her mouth. Poorly.

BOY
Somebody call the cops!

The Boy starts YANKING COOKWARE off the displays, creating

makeshift obstacles and a whole lot of commotion.

EMMA
I shot you in the head! You
shouldn’t even be able to run right
now!

She continues on, tripping through the store in pursuit.

BOY
Help, she’s got a gun!

A number of SHOPPERS crane their necks, concerned.

EMMA
(to shoppers)
Relax, it’s not even real.

Once out of earshot, she yells after the Boy:

EMMA (CONT’D)
I don’t need a real gun to murder
you, I hope you know that!

She wheels around a corner and stops dead in her tracks,

facing the FURNITURE SECTION. No aisles. No sign of the Boy.
Just a desert of chaise lounges.

Dissatisfied, she turns and SCREAMS as she runs into JAKE,

28. He whips a hand over Emma’s mouth to muffle her scream.

Emma’s best friend since college, Jake wears flannels to

match his rugged-yet-soft demeanor.
 2.

JAKE
We’re in a Crate & Barrel, not a
haunted corn maze. Calm your shit.

EMMA
(muffled)
I’m calm.

He removes his hand and they crouch down, army crawling to a

sectional and speaking in hushed whispers.

JAKE
This is way more physical activity
than I agreed to. Aren’t you
supposed to do this registry
business with the fiance? Or your
girl friends or something?

EMMA
Brett’s working a graveyard shift,
and you know I don’t have girl
friends. I JUST found out about
flavored vodka.

KJ (O.S.)
PSST!

They turn to see KJ, 29, hiding behind a china cabinet and
trying to get their attention. Jake’s new roommate, KJ is a
tactless nerd with big glasses and a bigger temper.

KJ (CONT’D)
Where have you cock pockets been?
I’ve been stranded here for a
goddamn half hour.

Emma and Jake side roll over to KJ, still whispering.

EMMA
Did you at least scan anything?

KJ
We’re actually supposed to do that?

Exasperated, Emma hangs her head.

EMMA
Guys, I need this to be great. I’m
trying to make it fun, but you
dirtbags need to get on my level.

KJ
(too loud)
Dirtbags?
 3.

JAKE
Please tell me you’re not just
making us do this to show up your
sister’s wedding. Because if so, I
forfeit. Not possible.

EMMA
Like I care what that overachieving
bedwetter thinks.
(then)
But, yeah, for the record, mine’s
gonna blow her out of the water.

KJ lazily scans the china cabinet they’re hiding behind.

KJ
There, can I be done now?

EMMA
Oh, good. A china cabinet. For all
of the entertaining I do with my
royal diplomat friends.

KJ sighs loudly, annoyed by the two seconds of effort.

KJ
Can we at least beat the kid first?
It’s three on one for fuck’s sake.
I lose to ten-year-olds at video
games all day, I don’t need that
embarrassment in real life, too.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, the Boy appears, “shooting” his laser

gun at them and making loud gun noises. Everyone SCREAMS. KJ
uses Jake as a human shield as Emma somersaults to safety.

She and KJ then jump up, CHASING the Boy away.

KJ (CONT’D)
Get ready for a thirty-third
trimester abortion, kid!

The Boy turns and shoots KJ, but Emma’s still gaining on him.

EMMA
I gotcha!

They LUNGE around a corner and slam into the Boy’s MOTHER.

MOTHER
(to Boy)
There you are. Jesus, I’ve been
looking all over for you.
 4.

BOY
But, Mom, I was just--

MOTHER
What did I tell you about
strangers? We aren’t poor, you can
buy your own candy.
(to Emma)
Who are you?

EMMA
Emma. I’m Emma. We were just having
a little fun. Playing with each
other. Fooling around.
(re: Mother’s look)
Oh god, I don’t like boys! I mean,
I do... but older ones. I’m with
those guys over there. Totally
normal adults.

Jake and KJ argue in the distance.

KJ
This is war, dickbag, sometimes you
have to leave a man behind.

JAKE
That’s literally the exact opposite
of what you’re supposed to do!

EMMA
(back to the mom)
Seriously, I practically watch kids
sleep for a living. That sounds
worse. I mean like a day care
situation. I’m gonna stop talking,
how about that? Please don’t call
the police.

The Boy’s Mother gives Emma a long, strange look and shuffles
her cart away, dragging the Boy along with her.

He turns around and holds up a MIDDLE FINGER. Emma returns

the favor with two, just as the mom glances back.

Caught, she quickly scurries along to Jake and KJ, scanning a

couple cheese plates on the way.

INT. BRETT & EMMA’S APARTMENT - LOWER EAST SIDE - NIGHT

A match lights a candle. Emma places it on a shelf, washing

their apartment in flickering light. FRAMED PHOTOS of her and
BRETT, younger and happier, litter the walls.
 5.

A smattering of BILLS and FORMS lie on the table. Wedding

locations, caterer bookings. A whole lot of zeroes. A
CALENDAR is flipped open to a few months in the future.

INSERT CALENDAR: MAY 27th is circled. “WEDDING!”

She puts the finishing touches on a surprisingly professional-

looking meal. Flour scattered across the counter, cook book
open: this is a routine.

KEYS JINGLE and BRETT, 28, Emma’s fiance, enters. He looks

like a clean-cut Ken doll in business casual: blazer and
biceps included.

EMMA
Hey! Hold on to your hat, I tried a
new recipe tonight and, not to
brag, but I totally spent over two
dollars on wine. Whaaat.

Brett tosses his keys and flops onto the couch, distracted.

Emma follows, presenting a glass of wine as a peace offering.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Don’t hate me, but... I didn’t
quite finish the registry. I tried
to motivate the guys with laser
tag, but that backfired just a tad.

Brett shakes his head and inhales deeply, as if whatever was

keeping him together just buckled under pressure.

BRETT
What the fuck, Emma.

EMMA
Whoa, what? Am I in trouble or
something?

BRETT
You’re not in trouble, I’m not your
parent. Jesus, this is the problem.

EMMA
Problem? This doesn’t have to be a
big deal, I’ll fix it.

BRETT
No, you don’t get it. I can’t keep
living in a place where everything
needs fixing all the time.
 6.

EMMA
What does that mean?

BRETT
It means--

Brett cuts his sentence short, calming his tone and changing
course. Re-routing to a place he’s wanted to go for a while.

BRETT (CONT’D)
It means I was offered a residency
in Seattle, and I’m gonna take it.

EMMA
The Seattle on the other side of
the country, Seattle?

BRETT
Yes. I need to... I need to get
away from all this.

EMMA
“All this?” You mean me?
(realizing)
Are you leaving me?

BRETT
I’m sorry.

A beat as Emma stares, shocked.

EMMA
What about the wedding? You’re the
one that gave me the goddamn ring.

BRETT
Keep it, please. And the apartment.
Maybe you could sell the ring
and... buy a car or something.

EMMA
A car? This isn’t a game show, I
don’t need a fucking consolation
prize.

BRETT
You know what I mean.

EMMA
No, actually, I’m having trouble
understanding any of this.
(MORE)
 7.

EMMA (CONT'D)
Seattle’s so terrible they need to
poach doctors from New York,
probably because their suicide rate
is so high. That’s really more
appealing than marrying me?

Brett gives an ambiguous shrug.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Wow. Okay. Well, I think you should
leave.

He obliges, gathering his coat and heading for the door.

Emma follows, opening it for him. He lingers for a beat.

BRETT
I don’t know what to say.

EMMA
Then don’t say anything.

He takes a moment but eventually exits. Emma slams the door.

A deep breath. Two, three, as Emma tries to wake herself from

this nightmare. Which, unfortunately, is reality. She then
RIPS THE DOOR OPEN and runs out of the apartment.

EXT. BRETT & EMMA’S APARTMENT - STREET - NIGHT

Emma sprints up to Brett as he’s opening the door of an

idling taxi. Her momentum carries her into the door, which
she accidentally slams shut in front of him.

EMMA
I’m not letting this happen.
(breathing heavily)
Jesus, I’m out of shape.

BRETT
Emma, it’s done.

EMMA
No. I’m vetoing this. Veto. Done.

BRETT
What are you doing--

EMMA
I don’t know, it works for the
president. Just, whatever you’re
upset with, I’ll change it.
 8.

BRETT
It’s not a small thing, okay? It’s
you. It’s just you.

Emma tries to calm herself, but quickly decides against it.

EMMA
You couldn’t have come to this
realization, oh, I don’t know,
before we sent out invitations?

BRETT
It’s not like I planned this moment
out, okay? Sometimes you just wake
up one day and realize that the
person next to you isn’t the one
you meant to marry.

EMMA
What the hell does that mean? Did
you mean to propose to one of your
other girlfriends?

BRETT
(snapping)
It means I treat eight-year-olds
that are more emotionally mature
than you. EIGHT. You can’t even
spell “mature” at eight years old.
Do you see what I’m getting at?
This isn’t college anymore. You
can’t just keep picking careers and
trying to “find yourself.” I’ve
grown up. I have an accountant. I’m
an adult and you’re just a lazy,
indecisive girl.

A beat as Emma lets her eyes well up.

EMMA
Lazy?

BRETT
You couldn’t even finish the
registry!

EMMA
Doesn’t matter much now, does it?

Brett re-opens the cab door and tosses his jacket in. A beat.

EMMA (CONT’D)
(gaining strength)
No.
(MORE)
 9.

EMMA (CONT’D)
I may not have a med school degree,
but that doesn’t mean I’m lazy. And
indecisive? Here’s a list of things
I’m decisive about: One. Seattle is
terrible. Two. I don’t give a shit
about your accountant. Three. Seven-
year-old me was right: doctors are
MEAN.

BRETT
Can I just--

EMMA
Brett, sorry’s just another word
for “excuse” someone invented to
make themselves feel better. I
don’t need to hear it.

BRETT
Actually, I was gonna say... can I
come by later to pick up my stuff?

Emma opens her mouth to speak, but instead turns to leave.

BRETT (CONT’D)
Is that a no?

EMMA
(without stopping)
That’s a no!

INT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - LATER

Emma lies on her floor in BRETT’S BLAZER, crying pitifully.

The dishes from dinner are strewn about, empty.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

EMMA
Open.

The door creaks open to reveal SARAH, 26, Emma’s younger

sister, who is put together in all the ways Emma is not.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Sarah? Why are you here? I didn’t
even leave a message.

SARAH
You never call me. You only call me
if it’s an emergency or if you
don’t know what to get Mom and Dad
for Christmas.
(MORE)
 10.

SARAH (CONT'D)
It’s October, so I wanted to make
sure you weren’t kidnapped. Which,
by the way, you should really keep
your door locked.

EMMA
Brett broke up with me.

Emma lets out a loud sob.

SARAH
What? You’re getting married.

EMMA
Not anymore. I had no vetoes.

SARAH
Why?

EMMA
Apparently those only work for the
president.

SARAH
No, I meant why did--
(noticing the dishes)
Did he seriously eat dinner first?

EMMA
(guilty)
...No.

Another large sob.

SARAH
Hey, hey. It’s okay. Everybody
stress eats. Well, I hear people
do. Do you want to come stay with
me and Chad for a while?

EMMA
I’d rather sleep near a homeless
guy’s shit tree than near a happy
couple right now. No offense.

SARAH
What the hell is a shit tree--

Sarah’s PHONE RINGS, interrupting.

SARAH (CONT’D)
It’s Mom and Dad.
 11.

EMMA
Don’t answer.

SARAH
I already called them when I was
worried you’d been kidnapped, if I
don’t answer they’ll call in an
Amber Alert.

EMMA
I’m twenty-seven years old.

RING.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Please. You know how excited they
are about the wedding, I just... I
can’t tell them right now.

RING. Sarah pauses, then silences her phone.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Thanks.

SARAH
Be honest. How many people did you
try before me?

EMMA
How many is too many?

SMACK. Sarah punches Emma in the arm, who recoils.

SARAH
Right, sorry. You’re in pain. Have
you talked to Jake?

EMMA
He’s not great with cry stuff.

SARAH
“Cry stuff?” You should really have
more female friends.

EMMA
You know I hate girls.
(off Sarah’s look)
You’re family. I have to like you.

Sarah curls a smile and embraces Emma in a hug.

 12.

EXT. SUNSHINE DAY CARE - DAY

A modest, brick day care sandwiched between office buildings.

A precious CARTOON SUN smiles joyfully from its sign.

INT. SUNSHINE DAY CARE - PLAY ROOM - DAY

HELL ON EARTH. A cacophony of barbaric, terrible sounds. KIDS

run circles around the room like tiny, drooling vultures. And
in a corner, sitting in a mini plastic chair, is Emma. Too
shocked to be angry, too angry to be sad.

LEE, Emma’s 40-year-old boss, sits beside her. Brash and

irreverent, Lee doesn’t care what other people think... about
her, or about anything, really.

Emma reaches a HAND out, brushing it across Lee’s face.

EMMA
Sorry. Just making sure you aren’t
a ghost.
(off Lee’s look)
For a second I thought I might’ve
actually died and gone to Hell.

LEE
Don’t speak too soon.

She gestures to the clock and Emma speaks up, weakly.

EMMA
Everybody, quiet. It’s story time.

LEE
HEY, CHILDREN. CLOSE YOUR TRAPS AND
COME SIT YOUR DIAPERS OVER HERE.

A FEW MINUTES LATER:

Emma reads a book to a circle of CHILDREN. She speaks with as

much enthusiasm as she can muster, which is none whatsoever.

EMMA
“And then the bird said...”

AMY, 3, raises her hand but speaks before being called on.

AMY
What kind of bird is that?

Emma stares at the bird. The drawing makes it hard to tell.

 13.

EMMA
It doesn’t matter what kind of bird
it is. “And then the bird--”

AMY
I wanna know!

EMMA
(exasperated)
What kind of bird do you think it
is?

AMY
An eagle.

Definitely wrong, but going along with this is easier.

EMMA
That’s exactly right, Amy. “And
then the bird said--”

PHILLIP, 4, a monster in children’s clothing, interrupts.

PHILLIP
That’s not an eagle, you juicebag.
Eagles are big.

In too deep, Emma has no choice but to press on with the lie.

EMMA
Normally, you’d be right, but this
here is a rare Miniature Eagle. Or
“Meagle” as scientists call them.

PHILLIP
Then why is it blue?

EMMA
Meagles... aren’t big enough to
catch fish, so they survive on a
diet of blueberries, which can
sometimes turn their skin blue.

AMY
(panicked)
I love blueberries! Is my skin
gonna turn blue?

Kids erupt into a panic as Lee buries her head in her hands.

EMMA
No. Calm down. You won’t turn blue.
 14.

PHILLIP
Your skin is gonna turn blue and
then you’re gonna die just like the
juicebag bird in the story.

EMMA
He doesn’t die at the end, see.
(flipping pages)
La la la la la, they live happily
ever after because they’re birds
and life gives them that luxury.

AMY
We have to save them!

Amy grabs Phillip, who hits her with a stuffed giraffe.

PHILLIP
Get away from me, you’re infected!

EMMA
Phillip, if you hit Amy again I’ll
put you in a timeout.

PHILLIP
I’ll put you in the ground.

LEE
Whoa.

EMMA
Aaand story time’s over!

The kids scurry off, more chaotic than ever. Lee takes Emma
aside, out of earshot.

LEE
Do you know how many complaints
we’re gonna get now? Story time is
as dead as that poor fucking bird.

EMMA
I’m sorry. It just happened. I
think I blacked out.

LEE
Look, I know you’re in a fucked up
place right now. I’m talkin’ back
room at a Tijuana strip club.
That’s where you are right now.
You’re like a time bomb of
depression that’s going to blow its
load all over the fucking children.
 15.

EMMA
I get it.

LEE
And as appealing as it is to follow
your lead and turn this place into
a toddler fight club... I’m trying
to save up some dough. Maybe buy a
jet ski. I can’t keep trying to
defend whatever shithole sewer your
brain is in to these parents.

EMMA
It won’t happen again. I promise.

LEE
Hey, that’s great news.

Lee turns back to the kids, sweet as your grandma.

LEE (CONT’D)
Which one of you beautiful angels
wants to play Heads Up Seven Up?

Several hands shoot up.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Happy customers wait to get their morning coffee. Emma stands

in line with Jake, where all the caffeine in the world
couldn’t help her. She wears a dark sweatshirt with the hood
pulled up, violently flipping through a SKY MALL CATALOG.

Jake looks on, concerned, as Emma circles a POPCORN MAKER.

JAKE
Will you stop with the Sky Mall?
Where did you even get that? I’ve
never seen one off a plane.

EMMA
Cooling neck pillows and automatic
timer popcorn machines are the only
thing that can bring me happiness.
Not you, not coffee, not children,
not fiances. You know what fiances
turn into eventually, don’t you?

JAKE
Husbands? I give up.

EMMA
Dead people.
 16.

JAKE
Jesus.

Jake gestures to the line, assuring them everything’s cool.

EMMA
Did you ever think about it that
way? All of us. Future corpses.
(pointing at customers)
Corpse. Corpse. Corpse. Baby
corpse. Old lady corpse. We all
die. Cold and alone. Everybody
should know that.

A SMALL BOY stands frozen in terror, clutching a TOY TRUCK.

JAKE
It’s cool, bud. She’s not talking
about you.

EMMA
Yes I am, little man. Enjoy that
dump truck before you’re too dead
to play with it.

The Boy runs off, scarred for life.

JAKE
This is serial killer behavior.

“Single Ladies” by Beyonce begins to blast through the shop.

EMMA
No. This is not happening. Turn
this off. Make them turn it off.
(to Baristas)
Can you turn this off?

JAKE
What’s wrong with you?

EMMA
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m single and
I’m fine.

She nods emphatically to Jake, as if to convince herself,

too, just as Beyonce reaches the chorus:

BEYONCE (O.S.)
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA
PUT A RING ON IT...
 17.

As Beyonce continues, Emma’s time bomb of depression explodes

and she begins BAWLING in line. LOUDLY. Customers around the
store begin gawking uncomfortably.

JAKE
It’s okay? I’m sorry? What do I--

Jake taps both of her shoulders awkwardly in a poor effort to

console her “cry stuff.”

EMMA
I’m fine. I just got a bunch of
dust in both my eyes and have to
leave for an unrelated reason.

Emma collects her things and marches out of the store.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Fuck you, Beyonce!

INT. BRETT & EMMA’S APARTMENT - DAY

“Single Ladies” continues over the scene as Emma bursts into

her apartment, frantic, ready to burn the world down.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The closet is flung open and she begins throwing Brett’s

clothing and various belongings onto her bed.

EMMA
He fucking DID put a ring on it!

She grabs an empty box and writes “BRETT” on it.

Dissatisfied, she stares at the name for a moment, then

crosses out “BRETT” and writes “DICK” on the box. Content,
she then CRAMS all of Brett’s stuff into it.

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Cupboards are torn open as she finds a bottle of whiskey,

unscrewing it and chugging -- except it’s empty. She reaches
further into the shelf and pulls out... a box of Franzia.

MOMENTS LATER:

“Single Ladies” abruptly stops as Emma quietly and slowly

lets wine flow out of the Franzia box and into her glass.

LATER:
 18.

“Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette plays.

Scissors murderously carve Brett’s eyes out of a photo while

Emma calmly whisper-sings along with Alanis.

ALANIS/EMMA
I’M BROKE BUT I’M HAPPY / I’M POOR
BUT I’M KIND / I’M SHORT BUT I’M
HEALTHY, YEA-AAAH...

LATER:

Mouth stained with wine, Emma sits on the couch with her cell
phone to her ear. A voice mail BEEPS through the receiver.

EMMA
Brett. Hi. Just wanted to call and
say I’m totally cool. You go to
Seattle. I don’t need you. I have
like, a million fiancees now. So.

LATER:

Emma’s glass is full again. She forcefully pulls the blinds

shut, blocking out the daylight.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Stop judging me!

LATER:

Now holding the bag of wine out of the box, Emma paces back
and forth with her phone. Clearly very drunk. Another BEEP.

EMMA (CONT’D)
I take back my last message and I
replace it with this one. I hope
you DROWN in Seattle. By rain. I
hope you’re on the news for being
some crazy anomaly of science that
drowned in rain. Because of how
dumb you are.

She hangs up, gloating for a beat before DRY HEAVING and
sprinting away toward the bathroom.

LATER:

She’s in her underwear and a sweatshirt, drunkenly cooking a

gourmet, four-cheese grilled cheese.
 19.

EMMA (CONT’D)
(sing-songy, sad)
Cuz I got one hand in my pocket,
and the other one is cookin’ a
grilled cheese.

LATER:

Emma’s finally passed out on her couch, phone on her face and
grilled cheese on her shirt. A mess, in every possible way.

INT. BRETT & EMMA’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Days of old delivery food containers surround Emma on the

floor like the aftermath of a drunk hurricane.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

EMMA
It’s unlocked. You can set the food
on the counter--

Jake enters with KJ in tow, both noticing the mess.

KJ
Holy fucking Jesus.

EMMA
God dammit. If I had three wishes,
I would use all three to turn you
into Chinese food. No regrets.

JAKE
You never order take out, what the
hell is wrong with you?

EMMA
Why do you have to assume there’s
something wrong with me?

JAKE
You literally sprinted away from me
at Starbucks, then I don’t hear
from you in days, then I get a text
that says,
(reading his phone)
“I finally get why Alanis was God
in that Ben Affleck movie.” We came
here to rescue you.

EMMA
Great detective work, Scoob, but I
don’t need rescuing.
 20.

She bites a wine bottle and spits the cork as KJ’s busy
picking up a TEDDY BEAR off the floor. He touches its face
and turns, confused.

KJ
Emma. Why is this teddy bear’s
mouth wet?

EMMA
I’m so lonely!

KJ
OH MY GOD.

KJ SPIKES the bear to the floor and marches to the kitchen.

The sound of a sink turning on (O.S.) is heard.

Jake takes a breath like he’s about to scold Emma for

everything she’s ever done wrong. Then, calmly:

JAKE
We’re leaving. Now. Don’t make me
physically throw you into the
shower.

EMMA
You’re too weak to pick me up.

KJ (O.S.)
Is that a self-insult?

EMMA
I’m not fat.
(to the room)
I’m not fat!

Jake takes a couple of intimidating stomps toward Emma and

she scurries up and toward the bathroom.

EMMA (CONT’D)
FINE!

The bathroom door SLAMS behind her as Jake sighs, relieved.

KJ emerges from the kitchen, face and hands soaking wet.

KJ
This is frightening. I actually
feel frightened.

EXT. BAR - STREET - LOWER EAST SIDE - LATER

Jake, KJ and Emma walk down a bustling street toward a bar,

the dull glow of the street lamps guiding their way.
 21.

JAKE
Where’d you hear that?

KJ
Jessie.

JAKE
Oh, you mean the fake girlfriend
you made up in fake world to hide
the fact that you like fashion
reality shows?

KJ
I don’t need to hide that fact.
They’re bringing back the all-stars
this season, it’s gonna blow all
your damn minds.

Emma slips a FLASK out of her sleeve and tries to take a sip.

JAKE
Dammit, KJ! I told you to check her
for booze.

KJ
I did! She’s crafty!

Jake swipes the flask from her and HEAVES it into the street.

JAKE
NO MORE WHISKEY.

EMMA
How did YOU deal with this? You get
broken up with and you’re all,
“hey, I’m Jake, I’m awesome and
totally cool with emotions,” while
I feel like the earth swallowed me
whole and is now slowly shitting me
out.

JAKE
First of all, that’s disgusting,
and second, I am absolutely
awesome. Sure, Liz was a nice girl.
I liked her. I also like breakfast.
And guess what? Breakfast isn’t
going to rip open my chest and
vomit on my heart.

EMMA
That would be highly unusual, yes.
 22.

JAKE
I asked her to move here, and she
didn’t want to give up her life in
Chicago. It was a simple logistical
problem. Yours is way worse.

Emma wanders into the street, lazily attempting to be hit by

a car. Jake pulls her back to the curb.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Hey, I didn’t mean it like that.

KJ
Stop talking. Emma, I’m only saying
this to try and help, but nobody
liked that Brett dude anyway.

JAKE
That’s not--

KJ
You told me you thought he was the
sole reason polo shirts started to
get a bad rap.

JAKE
There is a strong correlation in my
mind, yes.

EMMA
Why didn’t you say anything?

JAKE
You seemed happy.

His answer seems genuine. Emma struggles to find a response.

EMMA
I was happy, but... this isn’t just
about Brett. I’m going broke paying
for a wedding I’m not even going to
have. The location won’t refund me,
I paid a caterer in advance, my
parents fronted me deposits... god,
I haven’t even told them yet.

As they reach the bar, Jake’s eyes light up, an idea forming.
He puts a hand on the bar’s door, refusing to let Emma in.

JAKE
Let’s do it. I think you should.
 23.

EMMA
Tell them? No way. They’re too
excited.

JAKE
You can’t come in until you do it.

EMMA
I don’t need your bougie bar,
there’s beer everywhere!

JAKE
C’mon. It’ll be a good first step.

Inside the bar windows, HAPPY GUESTS pull from frothy steins.
It looks like pure bliss. A sanctuary, just out of reach.

Emma slowly takes out her phone, dialing. She brings it to

her ear with a sigh, resigned to admitting her fate.

EMMA
(into phone)
Dad, hi. It’s Emma.

INT. CATHERINE & WILL’S HOUSE - SUBURBIA, ARIZONA - SAME

CATHERINE, 57, and WILL, 60, Emma’s liberal-but-not-hippie

parents, sit in overstuffed armchairs that match the
wallpaper. Will dons glasses to look at the phone.

WILL
Emma? What time is it there? Are
you hurt?

INTERCUT EMMA/CATHERINE & WILL:

EMMA
No, Dad, I’m fine. I wanted to--

Catherine pipes up in the background, concerned.

CATHERINE
Was she mugged? Tell her to hang up
and call the police for god’s sake.

WILL
SHE’S FINE!
(to Emma)
Oh, by the way. Your mother wants
to know what color dress she should
wear to the wedding.
 24.

EMMA
Dad, I--

Catherine commandeers the phone. Will moves to a second line.

CATHERINE
That’s not what I said. I wanted to
know what color your dress is, so I
don’t wear the same color.

EMMA
You mean my wedding dress? Which
for centuries has been white?

Jake eyes her, pressing her to stay the course.

CATHERINE
Don’t sass me, you never know!
People are doing all sorts of wacky
stuff with weddings these days. I
saw a photo online of a wedding
party being chased by a dinosaur.

EMMA
Why are you so excited about this,
anyway? You already got a wedding
out of Sarah.

WILL
Getting married is a big deal, Em.
It’s a step into adulthood. We’re
proud of you, so sue us.

CATHERINE
You just never seemed like that
kind of girl is all. Even as a kid.

EMMA
What kind of--

CATHERINE
We practically had your sister just
to hedge our bets on grandkids.

WILL
Don’t tell her that.

EMMA
Wait, what do you mean I never
seemed like that kind of girl?
 25.

CATHERINE
Oh, piss, I haven’t even asked you
how the planning is going. Have you
decided on a cake?

With the weight of expectation on her shoulders, Emma’s once-

brave resolve has been replaced by dread. Speechless for only
a moment, she seems to have a revelation... though it’s not
the truth that comes out.

EMMA
Actually, Brett and I have a cake
tasting appointment next month, so
I should know soon! I’m thinking
red velvet. And for the record, my
dress will be white, so you can
wear whatever color you want.

Jake lunges toward her, trying to rip the phone away.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Gotta go, I’ll see you soon, bye!

Emma hangs up the phone before Jake can interrupt, her eyes
now electric with inspiration.

JAKE
What the hell was that!

EMMA
I’m doing it. I’m having the
wedding.

JAKE
What, alone? That’s not a thing,
you can’t do that!

EMMA
Why not? Weddings are just big
parties anyway, and this party has
a whole lot of extremely
nonrefundable money sunk into it.
(then)
Plus, it’s not like any other dudes
are gonna marry this business.

She gestures to herself.

 26.

JAKE
Emma, you’re young, and although to
me, especially in this moment, you
are a disgusting and frightening
hermit lady, I’ve been told you’re
a decent-looking girl. You’ll be
okay.

EMMA
Too late. I can’t go back now.

JAKE
Sure you can! You literally just
have to press one button on your
phone and call them back.

EMMA
And what? Tell them the good news
that my life is back to square zero
again? I can’t be that person
anymore, Jake. I can’t keep being
the disappointment.

She CHUCKS her phone into the street, as if she needed more
punctuation. Jake looks to KJ for support, but finds nothing.

KJ
Don’t look at me, I’m all for this.
Swap out the foofy flowers for an
open bar and celebrate being free
from a life of no sex and drooly
babies, am I right?

EMMA
Right!

JAKE
No! Not right!

EMMA
All I really need is a dress and to
make a few more decisions.
(getting lost in thought)
I wonder if they’ll let me have two
cakes. I wonder if they can just
turn dinner into dessert meal. I
wonder if they even know about
dessert meal.
(to guys)
I have so much to do!

Emma takes off, sprinting away down the street as Jake and KJ
look on in shock and admiration, respectively.
 27.

INT. BRIDAL STORE - DAY

A modest bridal store. Not filthy, but far from Fifth Avenue.

Something rustles loudly from inside a changing room. Sarah

hides her embarrassment behind her Blackberry.

EMMA
What’s up with work? I can hear
your Blackberry from here.

SARAH
Ugh, it’s fine. I just have like
forty events coming up. Company
retreats, weddings, bat mitzvahs,
they all want the fall. I had to
invent a color-coded system so I
know which clients to suck up to--

The changing room door creaks open to Emma, who cleans up

well in a wedding dress.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Oh, Em. You look so pretty.

She toys with Emma’s hair, fixing her up.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Brett’s gonna be glad he came to
his senses after he sees this.

EMMA
Uh-huh...

SARAH
I’m surprised you even took him
back. Did you make him beg? You
should’ve made him beg.

EMMA
Yeah. About that. I didn’t tell you
on the phone because I was afraid,
but I realize now that this was a
much, much worse decision.

SARAH
Emma...

EMMA
We didn’t get back together.

SARAH
What?
 28.

Some other brides-to-be glance warily at the sisters.

EMMA
I’ve thought a lot about it... and
I decided I’m going to go through
with the ceremony anyway.

SARAH
Are you kidding? Not with mom and
dad’s money.

EMMA
I can’t get it refunded, I already
tried.
(off Sarah’s look)
Okay, there’s a little leftover.
But I’m gonna pay them back!

SARAH
You can’t just have a wedding for
no reason. Let me call the
location, I might know them.

EMMA
No. I want to be normal again,
Sarah. I want to put on a dress and
celebrate with alcohol.

SARAH
So wait until New Year’s like a
normal person. You aren’t
financially or emotionally capable
of having a wedding.

EMMA
It’s my wedding and I’m keeping it.

SARAH
Are you on drugs?

EMMA
Do I look like I’m on drugs?

SARAH
I don’t know, Emma, I don’t know
what people on drugs look like.

Sarah’s whipping out her phone again.

EMMA
What’re you doing?

SARAH
Calling Mom and Dad, obviously.
 29.

WHAM! Emma swats the phone out of Sarah’s hand.

EMMA
Not now. They wouldn’t understand.

SARAH
Oh, you mean they wouldn’t
understand this totally sane,
rational idea of yours? SHOCKING.

EMMA
Sarah, I can’t tell them. Please.

Sarah picks up her phone and begins re-dialing. Emma’s wheels

are spinning, trying to come up with something, then:

EMMA (CONT’D)
If you tell them about this, I’ll
tell them you smoked cigarettes
with Bobby Prisco in the basement.

The phone slowly inches away from Sarah’s face. It’s on.

SARAH
I’ll tell them you were the one who
crashed the van in high school.

EMMA
I’ll tell them you broke Mom’s
computer, not “super viruses.”

SARAH
You left me home alone when I was
six to go to the ice cream truck
without me. SIX.

EMMA
You wrecked your bike on purpose so
they’d buy you a new one.

SARAH
You ate Dad’s 40th birthday cake.

EMMA
It was leftovers!

SARAH
I could go all day.

EMMA
Oh yeah? You lost your virginity on
prom night junior year. In the back
of Mom’s Civic.
 30.

SARAH
You wouldn’t.

EMMA
Seat covers never looked the same.

The two sisters stare each other down. Intense.

CATHERINE (O.S.)
Hi, you’ve reached Catherine, I’m
away from my phone--

Sarah hits “End Call” as a number of onlookers stare on.

EMMA
So we have an agreement.

Emma reaches her hand out to Sarah’s: a truce.

SARAH
Fine. But no way am I shaking your
hand, this level of crazy might be
contagious.

EMMA
You know what? You don’t get to be
maid of honor anymore. I’m making
Jake my man of honor, and KJ can be
my bridesman.

SARAH
First of all, it’s matron of honor,
and I have to be it, I’m your sist--
(regaining reality)
Nope. I don’t give a shit. This
wedding isn’t even real. I’m out.

EMMA
That’s fine, I can’t afford any of
these anyway.

Sarah can’t decide whether to roll her eyes or stomp out of

the store, so she does both. Emma turns, eying an onlooker.

EMMA (CONT’D)
When’s the wedding date?

BRIDE
June twenty-third.
 31.

EMMA
Here’s to hoping he doesn’t rip
your still-beating heart out of
your chest and stomp it into the
ground until his shoes are covered
in your chest blood. Figuratively.

The Bride’s face drops and she scurries away.

KJ (PRE-LAP)
Dibs on maid of honor!

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - BROOKLYN - DAY

The cramped two-bedroom apartment of Jekyll and Hyde: one

part clean and artsy, one part covered in beer cans and KJ’s
clothes. A Liebovitz portrait hangs next to a Poison poster.

KJ’s on the couch playing video games. Jake and Emma stand.

EMMA
Actually, I was thinking Jake would
be “man” of honor.

KJ
Why does he get it?

EMMA
Great question. I thought about it
long and hard, and it came down to
me knowing him for seven years, and
you for roughly three months.

KJ
Numbers game, huh. That’s fair.

JAKE
Sure, okay. What do we have to do?

EMMA
Really nothing, except you have to
plan the bachelorette party.

Jake laughs until he realizes that Emma isn’t.

JAKE
Seriously?

KJ
Strip club. Done.
 32.

EMMA
No strip clubs. If it’s not having
sex with us, your junk is generally
just wrinkly and weird to look at.
Same reason no one goes to the zoo
and hangs out at the elephant
exhibit all day.

KJ
I’m good with the elephant
comparison.

Emma makes a face.

KJ (CONT’D)
Do we at least get paid?

EMMA
No, you don’t get paid. You’re my
friends. This is for friendship.

A beat as KJ ponders this. Emma notices a PILE OF GIRLS’

CLOTHING and objects outside Jake’s room.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Whose stuff is that? Is that Liz’s?

JAKE
She wants it, she’ll come get it.

KJ
This again.

EMMA
From Chicago?

JAKE
I’m not gonna ship it there, I
don’t even have enough money to
ship it to the west side. What am I
supposed to do, throw it out?

KJ
YES. For the love of God, yes.

JAKE
I’m not gonna throw away clothes,
that’s wasteful. What am I gonna do
next, throw away the refrigerator?
Throw away the TV?

KJ
At least throw away the pictures.
 33.

JAKE
What pictures?

KJ points dramatically at a framed PHOTO BOOTH STRIP of Jake

and Liz. The Jake in the photo looks happier, more alive.

JAKE (CONT’D)
That frame is weird. It sticks, I
can’t get it open.

All in one motion, KJ reaches behind him, grabs the frame,

and SMASHES it onto the windowsill, shattering it.

KJ
Hey, look. I fixed it.

He drops the freed photo into Liz’s pile. Jake just stares.

EMMA
Okay, everybody just calm down.
Speaking of stuff, though... I was
wondering if I could move some of
my stuff in with you guys. And by
some, I mean all of it.

JAKE
You have an apartment.

EMMA
“Had” would be a more accurate
word. I can’t afford it anymore.

JAKE
How? The only things you’ve bought
are a dress and shoes.

KJ
And an astonishing amount of Sky
Mall bullshit.

He wraps a nearby neck-massaging pillow around his neck.

EMMA
It’s not just the wedding! I can’t
pay rent without Brett. Being
single is expensive, man. I haven’t
paid for dinner in five years. And
since when do movie tickets cost
eighteen dollars? I feel like I was
just released from prison.

KJ
In a way, you were.
 34.

JAKE
Jesus. Yeah, you can stay here.

KJ
Don’t I get a vote?

Jake throws his arms up in contempt.

JAKE
Come on, I’m late for work.

KJ
I vote yes, I just wanted my vote
counted. This is America, in case
you haven’t noticed.

EMMA
So I’m in?

JAKE
Yes.

EMMA
Thank god.

Relieved, Emma plops down onto the couch next to KJ.

JAKE
Alright, I’m out of here.

He throws his messenger bag on and heads out the front door,
immediately SLAMMING into a bunch of cardboard boxes.

EMMA
By the way, my stuff’s in the
hallway already.

Jake grumbles and gets up, slamming the door behind him.

EXT. STREET - BROOKLYN - DAY

Jake exits a subway station, removing his headphones.

EXT. JAKE & KJ’S BUILDING - SAME

He walks up the damp steps to his apartment, holding the door

for a WOMAN WITH A DOG.
 35.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - SAME

Jake enters the apartment to find KJ standing still, looking

on anxiously at something on the other end of the room.

REVEAL EMMA sitting on the cramped floor surrounded by BOXES

of her own belongings, eating Cheetos and clutching a bottle
of white wine, The Bachelorette on TV.

TV BACHELOR
I feel like I finally understand
why people write fairy tales.

A Cheeto hits the TV.

EMMA
Booo!

KJ
We’ve made a huge mistake.

Jake notices a BROKEN LAMP on the floor.

JAKE
What happened to the lamp?

KJ
She tried to throw a shoe at the TV
earlier. Thank god for her
laziness, it’s just Cheetos now.

Reveal Emma to be shoeless.

JAKE
Hey, Emma? There’s a fight on, do
you think we could have the TV?

EMMA
I’m doing research.

KJ
IT’S A TITLE MATCH.

Jake tries to calm KJ, goes for psychological.

JAKE
How do you expect to meet a guy if
you’re trapped in here?

EMMA
I don’t want to meet a guy. I want
to be swept off my feet on the side
of a volcano. That kind of thing
never happens anymore.
 36.

KJ
That kind of thing has NEVER
happened in real life.

EMMA
You’ve never been to a volcano. You
don’t know that.

JAKE
We have to plan your bachelorette
party. How are we supposed to do
that if you’re here?

KJ gives Jake a butt slap of approval. Emma doesn’t bite.

EMMA
You can’t. It has to be a surprise.

JAKE
(light bulb)
I got it. Come on.

Jake starts to leave; KJ follows, slamming the door.

EMMA
Can you pick up some tampons while
you’re out?

JAKE (O.S.) KJ (O.S.)

You owe me a lamp! NO!

She eyes the BROKEN LAMP on the floor, surrounded by Cheetos.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Shit.

EXT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - QUEENS - NIGHT

A stylish, suburban home. It may look modest, but for a

couple in their mid-20s, it’s gold. Jake and KJ stand on the
front steps holding beer, hiding from the rain.

KJ
I can’t believe you made me come
all the way to fucking Queens and
this is your idea.

JAKE
Relax. Chad has HBO, and Sarah
works more hours in a week than I
do in a month, she won’t be here.
 37.

KJ
I fucking hate the suburbs.

The door swings open to CHAD, 28, Sarah’s perfect husband.

He’s a golden retriever personified: loyal, pretty, and
probably not great at math.

CHAD
Jake! Hey, dude. What’re you guys
doing here?

JAKE
We need a favor.

CHAD
Oh, I’m not allowed to loan anyone
money anymore.

PRE-LAP SFX: DING, DING, DING.

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER

Much like the outside, Sarah’s living room looks like a

Pottery Barn catalog that was just photographed today. A
fresh-off-the-shelf FLAT SCREEN TV plays the fight.

Several beers litter the table next to a WHITEBOARD with the

words “BACHELORETTE PARTY IDEAS” written across it.

On the couch, KJ scrolls through Cosmo’s website on his

phone, listing off things as Jake writes.

KJ
Scrapbook, limo ride... group
outfits? I thought this magazine
was supposed to be raunchy.
(beat)
Here! Blow job lessons. Done.

JAKE
No way. I’m sorry but I’ve seen
Emma eat popsicles before and I
look away for a reason.

The fight continues on the TV, punctuating the argument.

JAKE (CONT’D)
This shouldn’t be this hard. What
do girls like?

KJ CHAD
Sexually? Puppies.
 38.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Why would I mean sexually? Look at
what we’re doing right now.

KJ
I didn’t know you were talking
about Emma, she’s barely a girl.

JAKE
She’s a girl.

KJ
What’s a girly thing she does?

JAKE
She has lady parts.

KJ
You’re an infant.

JAKE
Vagina. She has a vagina. And
multiple boobs.

Chad snorts out a childish laugh. Jake and KJ ignore him.

KJ
She also shows affection by
punching people in the shoulder and
uses her pants as a napkin. If
she’s a lady, you’re a lady.

JAKE
Fine, then. What would we like?

KJ CHAD
Strippers. Puppies.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Seriously. No strippers. What would
you want in a bachelor party?

KJ
Something low-key, something fun.
No frills, no suits, lots of booze.

JAKE
Same.

Jake thinks for a beat.

JAKE (CONT’D)
This is insane. Why are we even
doing this?
 39.

KJ
Emma needs help, she’s in a rough
spot. Remember the denial you went
through after they stopped making
Twinkies?

JAKE
That’s different, that was
heartbreaking.

Reacting to the TV, Chad starts to freak.

CHAD
Oh, OH! OH!

Jake and KJ whip around to see a fighter get SMASHED with an

uppercut and clang to the ground, spitting blood. Triumphant
yells erupt as the guys excitedly cheer.

INT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - FOYER - LATER

Sarah enters in the midst of the commotion, setting her purse

down and moving to the living room, curious.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Still cheering, neither KJ nor Jake see Sarah enter.

SARAH
What’s this?

CHAD
Oh, hey, babe. It’s the title
fight, he just got KO’d right--

SARAH
Yeah. Kinda meant this.

She gestures to the white board. Jake and KJ’s faces fall.

JAKE
We’re planning a bachelor party.

SARAH
For who? It can’t be you, since
you’re alone and sad now.

JAKE
(clearly lying)
I’m not sad. I love being single. I
have sex constantly.
(MORE)
 40.

JAKE (CONT'D)
I pick up girls from bars and I
just have sex with them all day. I
had sex out on your doorstep before
you came here--

KJ
The party’s for me.

SARAH
You’re getting engaged?

KJ
Yes, ma’am.

CHAD
Aww, congrats, man!

SARAH
And you’re planning your own
bachelor party?

KJ
Yep.

SARAH
Are you sure this isn’t for Emma?

Scoffing, Jake and KJ shake their heads incredulously.

KJ JAKE
No way. Nope.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Why does it say “Bachelorette?”

JAKE
KJ’s girly.

KJ
I have a slender figure.

SARAH
(reading the board)
Limo ride, penis-shaped cookies,
blow job lessons with a question
mark by it...

KJ
Supposedly, you can better
appreciate a blow job if you’re
taught the intricacies of it. A
“mile in her mouth” thing so to
speak.
 41.

Jake makes a face. Sarah eyes KJ and pounces, rapid-fire.

SARAH
What’s your fiancee’s name?

KJ
Jessie.

SARAH
What does she do?

KJ
Science.

SARAH
And you’re getting married in--

KJ
A Jewish court.

SARAH
And your honeymoon is in--

KJ
Sudan.

SARAH
And the wedding’s for--

KJ
Emma.

SARAH
HA!

JAKE
Seriously?

KJ
I apologize, and I take full
responsibility for that.

SARAH
I should’ve gone to law school.

JAKE
She’s not gonna listen to you.

SARAH
You’re right. But I think I just
found two people she might hear
out. What’s it gonna take?

Jake and KJ weigh their options.

 42.

INT. IKEA - KITCHEN DEPT - BROOKLYN - DAY

Emma walks through IKEA with an ICED LATTE in one hand and a
NEW LAMP in the other.

She looks at the TAG on a crock pot, which reads, “KÖK SLUT
REA,” which, in English, translates to “kitchen final sale.”

EMMA
“Cock slut ray?”

Her phone RINGS from inside her purse. The caller ID reads
“MOM.” She climbs onto a display bar stool and answers.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Hi, Mom. What’s up?

EXT. CATHERINE & WILL’S HOUSE - DAY

Catherine and Will sit by the pool.

CATHERINE
Are you forgetting anything?

INTERCUT CATHERINE/EMMA:

EMMA
Are you trying to do a prank call
again?

CATHERINE
It’s my birthday, Emma.

Emma winces, toying with the fringe on a placemat.

EMMA
Just kidding! Happy birthday!

WILL
Did she forget again?

CATHERINE
What do you think?

EMMA
Mom, I’m sorry, I’ve just been
really busy with the wedding.

CATHERINE
I know, I know, and that’s a
present enough for me.
 43.

EMMA
Actually, Mom, I gotta go. My
service isn’t--

CATHERINE
Don’t pretend your phone is dying.
We never have time to talk. After
the wedding, I may not be able to
get to New York again, you know.

EMMA
Mom, you’re only turning fifty-
seven, you have at least like
twenty years left.

CATHERINE
I meant because it’s expensive.

EMMA
Right...

CATHERINE
Put Brett on, I want to say hi.

Emma SNAPS TO ATTENTION, panic spreading across her face.

EMMA
You want to talk to Brett? Of
course you can talk to Brett. I
sure can’t think of a reason why
you can’t.

She silently screams, then, calmly:

EMMA (CONT’D)
Just give me one second.

FROM HERE, we only cut back to Catherine for reactions.

Ditching her lamp, Emma blows past an Indian family looking

at a kitchen display and takes down a few pans, SLAMMING and
SCRAPING them around on the fake stove top to make noise.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Brett?
(into phone)
Oop, you know what, he’s cooking,
and it looks a little crazy in
there. I don’t want to bother him.
Can I call you--

Emma tries the sink, which obviously doesn’t work.

 44.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Looks good. It’s some kind of...
Scandinavian dish.

She grabs a plate from the place setting and puts it in the
oven, making sure to BANG IT AROUND on the oven racks.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Babe, I don’t think that plate can
go in the oven.

She gives a loud, fake laugh.

EMMA (CONT’D)
(into phone)
You know, I think he actually ran
to the bathroom, so maybe he can--
Oh, you’ll wait? Sure you’ll wait.
That shouldn’t be a problem. Why
would that be a problem?

Emma nervously laughs and scurries away to the:

INT. IKEA - BATHROOM DEPT - DAY

BANG, BANG, BANG. Emma knocks on a fake wall next to a toilet

as she steadily gains a crowd of onlookers.

EMMA
Honey, you in there?

Emma finagles the lid off of her coffee and SLOWLY TRICKLES
IT into a toilet. A couple of KIDS look on in envious shock.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Brett’s been having some bowel
issues lately, it might be a while.

She shovels her ice into the toilet with a KERPLUNK.

EMMA (CONT’D)
(calling out)
I’ll grab the plunger, hun!

She snaps her fingers at one of the kids, who’s standing next
to an array of plungers. The Kid brings one over at a sprint.

EMMA (CONT’D)
I gotta call you guys back, it’s
full on Vietnam in here. I am
literally in the shit.
 45.

The plunger DIVES into the coffee as Emma holds her phone up
to the noise. Just then, the INTERCOM GOES OFF in the store.
Emma whips her phone back up and covers the microphone.

INTERCOM
Attention. Would an IKEA team
member please report to the
bathroom department.

EMMA
Mom?

She has to cover her phone again as the INTERCOM RETURNS.

INTERCOM
Thank you for shopping with us.

EMMA
Mom? Yeah, I’m still here. That’s
the TV. Just one sec--

She notices a 20-something GUY standing near her with his

GIRLFRIEND, watching Emma like she’s a zoo animal.

EMMA (CONT’D)
(covering phone)
Can you please say “Hi, Cath” into
the phone? I’ll give you twenty
bucks. Please? “Hi, Cath!”

The Guy shakes his head like she’s asked him to commit
murder. Panicked, Emma whirls around to another person.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Please. Say “Hi, Cath”--

Emma stops as she realizes she’s now speaking to a very upset-

looking IKEA EMPLOYEE. She slowly brings the phone back to
her face as the Employee crosses their arms.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Mom, I gotta go. No, Brett’s fine.
We’ll see you at the wedding. I’m
excited, too. MOM. BYE.

Sweaty and out of breath, she hangs up her phone and gives a
nervous, guilty smile to the Employee.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Could you point me to the lighting
section?

The Employee points, very clearly... to an Exit sign.

 46.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Ah, natural light. Good call.

EXT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - ANOTHER NIGHT

Emma bounds up the steps to her sister’s house carrying a

tray of homemade appetizers. A light rain falls outside.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Emma sets down the appetizers and Chad immediately digs in.

EMMA
Wait, those are for-- okay, you’re
already eating them.

CHAD
Where’d you get these? They’re
incredible.

EMMA
I made them.

CHAD
SERIOUSLY?

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Emma rounds the corner to the living room to see Jake, KJ,
Lee (Emma’s boss) and Sarah sitting in a circle with two open
chairs. Chad follows shortly after, mouth full.

EMMA
Did someone die?

LEE
Someone somewhere, man. Yeah.

Jake shoots KJ a weirded out look.

KJ
She’s right. 1.8 per second.

JAKE
Were you people born this weird?

LEE
Oxygen stopped pumping to my head
for four minutes when I was little.
Freaked my parents the fuck out,
I’ll tell you that much.
 47.

SARAH
Okay, we all know why we’re here
tonight.

LEE
I definitely do not, but if this is
some kind of sex party, you should
know that I do not use safe words.

SARAH
Emma, I brought your friends and
your disgusting boss here tonight
because I’m worried about you.
We’re worried about you. This
wedding thing is unhealthy.

EMMA
Wait. Are you interventioning me?

SARAH
You’ve been acting like someone on
a TLC show, so, yeah I thought it
would be appropriate.

EMMA
It’s not like I’m addicted. I’m not
hoarding weddings. I’m having one
wedding. People do it all the time.

SARAH
Yeah. With another person. Can you
guys help me out here?

CHAD
What your sister’s trying to say is
that you could end up becoming
addicted if you aren’t careful.

SARAH
That’s not what I’m saying.

Chad sighs, confused.

EMMA
(to Jake & KJ)
How could you guys not tell me
about this?

JAKE
She gave us her HBO GO login.

EMMA
Is that all I’m worth to you?
 48.

KJ
I need TV-MA content in my life,
Emma. Swords, female toplessness...
even male toplessness. All of it.

SARAH
Do you have anything else to say?

KJ
Oh. No. I fully support Emma.

LEE
Ditto. Girl power.

SARAH EMMA
What? Thank you!

KJ
You only said we had to show up.
Loophole.

SARAH
Jake?

They exchange a hard look. Jake looks deeply conflicted.

JAKE
She’s clearly going through some
shit. We have to try and help.

SARAH
I am helping.
(then)
Emma, look. I have a ton of events
coming up with the company. More
than they want to handle. They’ve
let me take the reins on a few, and
I convinced them to let you cater
one under my supervision.

EMMA
What? I’m not a caterer.

SARAH
It’s a small ceremony, just old
people renewing vows. You should be
able to handle it.

EMMA
I’ve never handled anything like
that. I cook food for myself so I
can eat it, this goes entirely
against my business plan.
 49.

SARAH
That’s not a business plan. This is
what I’m talking about. You need to
start moving on, thinking big
picture. Let me fix this.

EMMA
Fix this? I’m not broken, Sarah.

CHAD
I don’t think that’s what she
meant.

SARAH
Hell yes I did.

Chad throws his hands up, exasperated.

SARAH (CONT’D)
You need help. You’re embarrassing
yourself. But I guess that’s
nothing out of the ordinary, right?

EMMA
Whoa. No way. You’re my sister,
you’re obligated by family law to
be the supportive one, and you are
really fucking that up right now.

SARAH
I’m fucking up? When am I ever the
one that’s fucking up?

LEE
Whoa, hey. You don’t have to listen
to that, Emma. I’ve fucked up a lot
of shit in my life. Like,
truckloads of shit. From the zoo.
And now look at me. I’m fantastic.
I’m a god right now.

A checkmate grin appears on Sarah’s face.

SARAH
Yeah, Emma. On second thought, why
don’t you keep doing what you’re
doing?

Emma sets her jaw, staring Sarah down.

LEE
If you guys do want to fight,
though, I have a baseball bat
outside.
(MORE)
 50.

LEE (CONT'D)
I didn’t know why we were coming to
Queens, so I thought, hey, just in
case.

CHAD
I’m going to... get a... leave.

Chad and the guys make a quick escape. Lee follows.

LEE
Let me know about the bat.

Emma turns back to Sarah.

EMMA
I don’t need your pity help, Sarah.
I’m a grown up.

SARAH
A grown up? All of your friends act
about thirteen, including the forty-
year-old. Doesn’t that say
something about your maturity
level?

EMMA
Your only friends are your husband
and our parents. Doesn’t that say
something about your popularity
level?

Sarah looks like she might turn red, or burst, or both.

SARAH
Get out. Just get out.

Up in a flash, Emma grabs her bag and leaves, slamming the

door behind herself. A quiet, awkward beat. From the kitchen:

LEE
I don’t know if I said this yet,
but your house is fucking lovely.

SARAH
OUT.

LEE
Yep.

KJ, Jake and Lee scurry away, herded out the door by Sarah.
 51.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - NEAR THE LAKE - DAY

A rare clear day in a looming winter. Jake stands with a

camera around his neck, snapping photos of Emma. It’s a solo
engagement shoot.

He steps in closer and physically moves Emma a few paces.

JAKE
Right there. That’s good.

A breeze floats by. Jake wraps his jacket tighter.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Jesus. I don’t think I can handle
another winter in this city. I need
to get out of here. See what all
the fuss over beaches is about.

EMMA
It’s not that bad. It’s New York.
Sure, you’ll freeze, but on the
bright side, you’ll also be poor.

He smiles and steps in again, this time to fix a stray strand

of hair. Emma lets him, trying to ignore the intimacy.

JAKE
Yeah, I’m not really a beach guy
anyway. I have bad calves.

He snaps another photo.

EMMA
Where else would you go?

JAKE
I don’t know... I’ve always wanted
to go to Ireland. My mom’s Irish.

EMMA
Why haven’t you?

JAKE
Liz didn’t want to go. I didn’t
want to be one of those sad idiots
on a solo eurotrip, I guess.

But the thought sticks with him. A beat. Emma’s PHONE RINGS.

EMMA
Hey, Mom.
 52.

INT. CATHERINE AND WILL’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME

Catherine’s on her hands an knees, scooping the cat’s litter

box as she talks. The Bachelor on TV in the background.

CATHERINE
Why didn’t you tell me you were in
Seattle?

INTERCUT EMMA/CATHERINE:

EMMA
What?

CATHERINE
We saw a picture of Brett on
Facebook in front of the Space
Needle. You should go to the fish
market, it’s wild.

EMMA
Right, yeah. Seattle. We’re just
there for the weekend. Brett’s
speaking at a conference.

Jake eyes her, growing concerned for her well being.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Yeah, I’ll send you a picture! I
gotta go, though, Brett’s panel is
getting ready to start.

Emma motions quickly for Jake to yell into the phone.

JAKE
(doing a voice)
Hi, Cath!

EMMA
See? Love you, too. Bye.

Emma hangs up, then steps over and pushes Jake playfully.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Nice impression.

JAKE
That’s the thanks I get?

EMMA
I’m gonna need to put myself into a
picture of Brett at the Space
Needle. Take one like this.
 53.

Emma puts her arm around an empty space and points upwards to
an invisible Space Needle.

JAKE
I’m not doing that.

EMMA
Come on!

She pushes him again, still playful, but this time a little
harder. Jake pushes her back with equal force.

JAKE
You don’t want to get into a push
fight with me, I’m all muscle.

Emma accepts the challenge and tackles him to the ground.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Fine, okay! Watch the calves!

In the brief moment of silence, Jake leans back to snap a

close-up, perhaps just realizing that there’s a pretty girl
on top of him. Emma senses the moment and deflects:

EMMA
Can we do one where I jump off the
bench?

JAKE
Why do girls always want to do
that?

EMMA
BECAUSE IT’S FANTASTIC?

Emma gleefully hurls herself off a bench, though Jake’s face

is still wary. Clearly worried about his friend.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Emma’s on the couch, laptop on her stomach, Photoshop open.

INSERT COMPUTER: A happy photo of Brett, alone at the Space

Needle. Emma drags a CUT OUT OF HERSELF in beside him.

She stares sadly at the doctored photo, realizing she doesn’t

belong. Breaking the moment, the front door WHIPS OPEN to
reveal Jake and KJ stomping toward her wearing ski masks.

EMMA
Okay, okay, you can have the TV.
 54.

Emma throws the remote toward KJ, who SWATS IT DOWN like a
blocked shot. They pick her up by her arms and legs.

EMMA (CONT’D)
What? Why? What’s happening?

KJ
Welcome to your bachelorette party.

Jake slips an EYE MASK on over Emma’s face.

EMMA
This is not a party, this is the
beginning of a horror movie!

POV: The last thing Emma sees before complete darkness are
the wild, somewhat disconcerting eyes of her friends.

EXT. FAMILY FUN CENTER - BROOKLYN - NIGHT

Wisps of light flicker through Emma’s mask as she’s marched

to the entrance by the guys, who are now joined by Lee and a
small GROUP OF FRIENDS: coworkers, acquaintances, etc.

EMMA
I think I know where we are.

JAKE
Don’t pretend you can count turns.

EMMA
I absolutely can count turns, and I
think we’re at--

They whip Emma’s eye mask off to reveal a family fun center
complete with go-karts, an arcade and absolutely no romance.

EMMA (CONT’D)
--the fun center.

Jake senses Emma’s disappointment, but before he can jump in,

Chad appears holding a brown paper bag.

CHAD
Hi, guys. Sorry I’m late.

EMMA
Chad?

CHAD
Don’t tell Sarah I’m here. She’d
kill me. I had to lie so I told her
I was going to a strip club.
 55.

JAKE
And she was cool with that?

Chad shrugs, like, “why wouldn’t she be?”

CHAD
I brought this. Don’t tell Sarah
about this either.

Chad opens his bag to reveal a number of flasks and half-

empty fifths of alcohol.

EMMA
Alright, fun center.

EXT. FAMILY FUN CENTER - GO KART TRACK - LATER

Upbeat music plays over the sequence: that summer party song
you loved... before it got overplayed.

Several go-karts zoom around a track.

CLOSE ON: Emma’s helmeted face -- drunk and determined.

Jake and the guys follow closely behind, taking turns too
tightly and almost spinning out.

Emma pulls a flask and drinks it one-handed, effectively

causing her go-kart to SLAM INTO A CORNER. She stumbles out
of the smoking car, tosses her helmet aside and runs off.

MOMENTS LATER, Emma’s waving a checkered flag as the guys

pass the finish line. Chad fist pumps triumphantly.

INT. FAMILY FUN CENTER - LATER

Emma sprints for the BALL PIT, but is stopped by a FUN CENTER
EMPLOYEE.

FUN CENTER EMPLOYEE

Whoa, there. Gotta be this tall.

He motions to a clown-shaped height indicator.

EMMA
I am that tall.

FUN CENTER EMPLOYEE

You have to be shorter.

EMMA
What if I do this?
 56.

She gets down on her knees to make herself shorter.

FUN CENTER EMPLOYEE

No.

LATER:

Emma, KJ, Jake and Lee play an arcade basketball game.

EMMA
Is Jessie coming?

JAKE
Right. Jessie.

KJ
She’s very real, Jake. But, no, she
couldn’t make it. She’s in the lab.

JAKE
Is that where you created her? Oh
my god, it makes so much sense now.

OUT OF NOWHERE, Chad enters frame and SWATS Jake’s shot away.

CHAD
DIKEMBE MUTUMBO!

JAKE
I don’t think he yelled his name
when he blocked shots.

CHAD
He should’ve.

LATER:

Back to the ball pit. Emma approaches with a fake mustache

on, speaking in a veiled Hispanic accent.

EMMA
Excuse me? Yes. I’d like to try
ball pit. Ball pit please.

FUN CENTER EMPLOYEE

I know it’s you.

EMMA
Who is me?

FUN CENTER EMPLOYEE

You’re just wearing a mustache.
Which certainly doesn’t make you
look younger.
 57.

LATER:

Everyone stands at the arcade, shooting water cannons into a

board that makes their horse advance through a race.

LEE
This game is fucked up. I feel like
I’m waterboarding Seabiscuit.

KJ wins, narrowly beating Jake.

JAKE
NO! I had you!

KJ wraps his body in tickets, mummifying himself with pride.

LATER:

At the ball pit again. Emma avoids eye contact.

EMMA
Hello, sir. I’m the ball pit
inspector, I’m here to make sure
everything is up to code, if you
don’t mind--

FUN CENTER EMPLOYEE

No.

EMMA
Okay.

She starts to walk away, then TURNS AND SPRINTS FOR IT.
COLORED BALLS FLY EVERYWHERE as Emma dives into the ball pit.

MOMENTS LATER, she’s escorted back out of it.

LATER:

Emma and Chad lie perfectly still on their backs in the ball
pit, only their faces exposed. Unnoticed for now.

CHAD
Sweet party by the way. Thanks for
inviting me.

EMMA
I didn’t. But I’m glad someone from
your house could come.

CHAD
Don’t worry about Sarah. She just
gets this way when she thinks other
people are in trouble.
(MORE)
 58.

CHAD (CONT'D)
One time I had to get stitches and
she yelled at the doctor so hard he
gave them to me for free.

EMMA
Are you sure you didn’t just have
health insurance?

CHAD
What?

Emma chuckles.

EMMA
I don’t get it. You’re so much fun
and Sarah is so... Sarah. Why are
you even together?

CHAD
(obliviously honest)
We love each other.

This strikes a chord with Emma.

EMMA
I think I’m gonna be sick.

CHAD
Sorry, that was mushy.

EMMA
No. From the alcohol.

She squirms around in the ball pit for a moment and then
PUKES INTO IT. Chad gets up to try and help, but SLIPS AND
FALLS into the puke area. He gets up and holds her hair back.

CHAD
Okay. Just stand perfectly still.

KJ (O.S.)
Out of the way, losers!

KJ comes out of nowhere and dive bombs into the pit.

CHAD
No, no, no, no, NO!

He CANNONBALLS into the puke pit and everyone falls down

again, disappearing under the balls and SCREAMING.
 59.

INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

KJ has his entire head under a sink, dry heaving. A wet Chad
stands nearby, scrubbing Emma with a mop as she awkwardly
holds her hair under the hand dryer.

INT. FAMILY FUN CENTER - LATER

ANOTHER EMPLOYEE hands Emma a giant teddy bear in exchange

for a wad of tickets. Her hair now partially dry.

JAKE
Do us all a favor and don’t
sexually assault this one.

She walks alongside Jake, hugging the bear.

KJ and Lee sprint by, fighting over tickets. They disappear

around the corner as the flashing lights of the arcade dance
across Emma and Jake's faces.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Sorry if this is lame. I just
thought it would be fun to forget
about all the wedding stuff for a
bit, you know? Just a normal party.

EMMA
You’re a great Man of Honor. And
you’d be an even better one if you
could stop the room from spinning.

JAKE
Wanna go home?

EMMA
Yes.

Jake extends his arm and Emma hooks hers into his.

EMMA (CONT’D)
I just need to do one more puke
really quick.

EXT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - STREET - NIGHT

A light snow falls as Jake and Emma round the corner to his
apartment, still arm in arm, trudging through winter slush.
 60.

EMMA
I think the last time I saw that
much gin I woke up spooning a
traffic cone.

Jake cackles, trying to elaborate but can’t hold it together:

JAKE
Oh yeah! And you threw it into the
street because you thought--

EMMA
The cops would get me! I still, to
this day, have no idea how--

Emma stops sober as she notices two adults sitting on the

steps to Jake's apartment: her parents.

WILL
Hey, kiddo.

EMMA
Hi... are you here early for the
wedding or does Mom have another
birthday I don’t know about?

A silent smirk suggests neither. Jake squirms, uncomfortable.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A full-fledged fight between Emma and her parents, as Jake

has retreated to his room.

CATHERINE
How can you not have told us? Are
you crazy?

WILL
Cath. We talked about this--

CATHERINE
I mean, seriously, Emma. You didn’t
tell us? Do you realize how much
money we’ve invested in this? For
you to not even tell us?

WILL
You could’ve told us, is what your
mom is trying to say.

EMMA
Yes, you’ve made that point clear.
(then)
(MORE)
 61.

EMMA (CONT'D)
I’m sorry, I was trying to save up
enough money to pay you back but I
was just a little preoccupied--

CATHERINE
Lying about a fake wedding?

EMMA
It was real at one point.

An honest moment as Emma silently appeals to her father.

WILL
We can’t pay for this, Em. You
understand that, right? I spoke to
the manager at the location, he was
able to give us half back.

EMMA
But what about--

CATHERINE
We want to retire someday. You
can’t just throw our money away on
parties anytime you feel sad.

EMMA
(grasping at straws)
But... I didn’t even have a sweet
sixteen party!

CATHERINE
Because normal people don’t do
that?

WILL
Not your best argument, kiddo.

EMMA
Sarah told you, didn’t she?

Cath and Will share a look.

EMMA (CONT’D)
She had sex in the Civic!

CATHERINE
We know. You two were teenage
girls, not CIA agents. You have
fewer secrets than you think you
do.

Emma snaps, emotional.

 62.

EMMA
This is not my fault! YOU wanted me
to marry Brett. You couldn’t stop
talking about how shocked and
excited you were, like marrying a
doctor was the first good thing
I’ve ever done. I was trying to
make you happy.

WILL
Grow up.

Everyone falls quiet, surprised by his outburst.

WILL (CONT’D)
We have done nothing but support
you and you want to blame us for
this? Lying would never make us
happy. You may be our child, but
for the love of god you need to
stop acting like one.

Cath embraces her daughter in a soft hug as Will calms down.

CATHERINE
We’re sorry about Brett, honey,
really. This just isn’t the way.

WILL
I know this is hard. But this isn’t
the end of the world. You’re twenty-
six, you’ll bounce back.

EMMA
I’m twenty-seven.

WILL
Well, then you’re out of luck.

A half-hearted smile from Emma. Will kisses her forehead.

CATHERINE
We love you, sweetheart, we just--

EMMA
I know. Okay.

WILL
We’ll be at Sarah’s for a bit. Call
us if you need us, alright?

She nods. He and Cath turn to leave, letting themselves out.

Emma plops down on the couch. Defeated.
 63.

INT. SUNSHINE DAY CARE - PLAY ROOM - DAY

Emma’s lying face up, half-buried in a pile of Legos. A

suspiciously whiskey-colored water bottle next to her. It’s
pretty clear she’s been drinking.

Amy, the blueberry-loving three-year-old, scoops a Lego up

and carefully places it onto Emma’s forehead.

EMMA
That’s a good one. Good call.

AMY
Thank you. I can make you a tiara
for your wedding if you want.

EMMA
I’ve got some bad news, Amy. The
wedding is cancelled. I’m alone
now. Lone wolf. I’m so alone I
can’t even get married to myself.

AMY
Why would you want to marry
yourself?

EMMA
That’s a very philosophical
question, Amy, and I’m not prepared
to answer it.

AMY
Why?

Amy continues to cover Emma’s body and face with Legos.

EMMA
I thought I had this puzzle all
figured out. I was marrying a
doctor, for fuck’s sake. I’m sorry
for swearing. And now, it’s like
someone just shoved all my pieces
back into the box. You know what
I’m talking about.

AMY
I like the kitten puzzles.

Amy stacks Legos onto Emma’s eyes, forcing her to close them.

EMMA
I want just one day where, even for
a brief moment, everything feels
right. Every piece fits.
(MORE)
 64.

EMMA (CONT'D)
And I can look around at everyone
else and smile at them and know
that everything will be fine.

A beat as Amy tries to ponder this concept.

AMY
Do the Legos help?

EMMA
Yes, Amy. The Legos help.

Phillip approaches.

PHILLIP
Emma? Emma.

She doesn’t remove the Legos from her eyes.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
You have to get up.

EMMA
You’re not the boss of me.

Phillip pokes her in the ribs.

PHILLIP
But I need to tell you something.

EMMA
Is it that I’m a juicebag?

PHILLIP
No, but you are.

EMMA
Go away.

PHILLIP
EMMA.

Emma forces her head up, letting the Legos roll off her face.

EMMA
YES. What is it, you little shit?

Reveal Phillip standing next to a much taller, yet equally

frumpy, displeased relative: his MOTHER.

PHILLIP
My mom wants to talk to you.
 65.

There isn’t quite enough time to process the ball of fury

headed in Emma’s direction.

EXT. SUNSHINE DAY CARE - STREET - DAY

Carrying a box of finger-painted and macaroni-crafted

belongings, Emma trudges through slush towards a subway stop.

Lee peeks out the door to see Emma rounding the corner.

LEE
I’ll always remember your smile!
(then, mouthing)
I’ll get him for you, don’t worry.

She punches her hand and then gives a thumbs up.

LEE (CONT’D)
(off Emma’s look, hushed)
Just a little pop, he’ll be fine. I
got your back.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Emma lies fused to the couch, hate-eating a bowl of pasta

carbonara. She looks through her box of belongings and finds
the bird book she read to the day care kids, flipping through
it. She sighs, then pulls out her phone.

EMMA
(leaving voicemail)
Hey, Sarah. Look, I know it’s
probably filled already, but if
that catering job is still open...
I got fired. I’m officially an
unemployed squatter, so, if you can
manage to stop celebrating being
right long enough to call me back,
I’d really like to try the
ceremony. Please. This is me
begging, for the record. Okay, call
me back. Thanks. Bye.

After a few more bites of pasta, a TEXT from Sarah pops up:
“JOB’S YOURS. AND STOP SAD EATING, I CAN HEAR IT.”

Caught, Emma spits a bite of pasta back into the bowl.

 66.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Emma’s covered in flour, pinching dough around mini-quiches

like a madman. A number of completed trays lie nearby.

KJ stands behind her, wiping the counter as she lets out a

deep sigh. KJ clocks the weariness behind it.

KJ
You okay?

EMMA
Yeah. I’m fine.

But it’s pretty obvious she isn’t.

KJ
Well, just on the off chance you’re
not fine... you will be. I know all
of this must suck ass, but there
are plenty of other dudes out in
the sea. I’m sure someday you’ll
find someone just as pathetic as
you to share a cardboard box with.

Emma wipes the hair out of her face, lets a grin sneak out.

EMMA
Maybe I’ll just wait for a
Sleepless in Seattle situation to
happen to me.
(then)
Ugh, no, listening to the radio
isn’t worth it.

KJ
What time do I have to show up
tomorrow?

EMMA
I told Lee noon, so around then. Do
you have a white collared shirt?

KJ
I’m gonna steal one from Jake.

KJ exits into Jake’s room as Emma pulls another tray from the
oven. He re-emerges with a white shirt on a hanger.

KJ (CONT’D)
I wish I could tailor it. Jake’s
naturally doughy.
 67.

EMMA
Where is Jake? Have you seen him?

KJ
Not since this morning.

Emma ponders this as KJ checks his watch.

KJ (CONT’D)
You sure you’re cool alone? You’re
not gonna get all depressed and
burn the food?

EMMA
I would never burn food.

KJ
Atta girl.

He smiles, pops an appetizer in his mouth and scurries out.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - LATER

Emma finishes putting her cooking supplies away as Jake

BARGES into the apartment.

He HURLS a bag of groceries across the room and heads

straight for the pile of Liz’s stuff.

EMMA
Whoa. Jake?

He picks up an armful of Liz’s belongings and stomps toward

the window. Drops the pile in a heap in order to open it.

EMMA (CONT’D)
What’s going on?

Jake picks up a CERAMIC VASE and LAUNCHES it out the window.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Shit!

He pushes a large pile of clothes out the window as Emma runs

over to him, turning him towards her.

EMMA (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?

Jake’s eyes are red with wet fury. His guard begins to fall.

JAKE
She’s in New York, Emma.
 68.

EMMA
Who? Liz?

JAKE
I saw her. She lives here.

EMMA
Maybe she was just visiting.

JAKE
She’s not just visiting. We talked.
She moved here with her boyfriend.

Emma listens intently. Lets him speak.

JAKE (CONT’D)
She didn’t hate New York, she hated
me. She just didn’t want to be with
me.

EMMA
It’s okay. You’re Jake. You’re cool
and awesome, remember?

JAKE
I’m not cool. I’m far from fucking
cool.

She puts a hand on his shoulder.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I just needed to break something.
Of hers.

Emma ducks her head out the window to see the vase, which has
somehow landed softly, buried into a bush below. Various
brightly-colored clothes tumbleweed down the block.

EMMA
I don’t know how to tell you this,
but... the vase didn’t break.

Jake sticks his head out the window to look, then yells:

JAKE
Why can’t you just let me grieve
you goddamn city?!

He flops down onto the floor, crammed between Emma’s boxes,

and eyes the ceiling.

JAKE (CONT’D)
I need to get out of here.
 69.

A beat. His wheels are turning.

Emma glances to the corner where Brett’s “DICK” box sits.

Discarded yet not forgotten. She moves to it and dumps out
the contents, picking up a RED SOX BOBBLEHEAD.

She hurries to the window before emotion can stop her and
CHUCKS it into the street below, where its head flies off.

EMMA
Oh my god!

JAKE
What?

EMMA
Nothing, it’s just... he’d kill me
if he knew I broke that.

Invigorated, Emma runs back to the box and begins hurling

things out of the window. A smile forms on Jake’s face as he
lunges for more of Liz’s belongings.

JAKE
Take that!

EMMA
You ruined polo shirts!

JAKE
Your mom was really mean!

EMMA
This shirt did make you look fat!

JAKE
You were terrible at blow jobs!

They laugh as Emma reaches behind her and grabs the IKEA
lamp, without realizing it’s not part of the pile. She HURLS
it out the window before Jake can stop her.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Wait, no that’s not--

The lamp SHATTERS to the ground near a PASSERBY down below.

EMMA
Whoops.

PASSERBY
Come on, what the hell are you guys
doin’ up there?
 70.

Jake and Emma retreat quickly into the apartment and slam the
window down, collapsing onto the floor. Chests heaving.
Adrenaline working hard. An empty box beside them.

JAKE
What is it with you and lamps?
Seriously, I--

In a moment void of inhibitions, Emma lunges for Jake’s face

and KISSES HIM. After a second, he leans into the kiss and
goes for it, making out with her.

After a few moments, Jake picks Emma up off the floor,

carrying her to his bedroom, closing the door with his foot.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - JAKE’S ROOM - DAY

A pair of eyes flutters open. Once Emma realizes where she

is, her eyes shoot wide, trying to land on an emotion.
Instead, they land on the clock, which reads 12:00 PM.

EMMA
Shit!

She shoots up out of bed, waking up Jake.

JAKE
What?

EMMA
How did we sleep ‘til noon?!

She furiously throws on her clothes from last night.

JAKE
I’m sorry, I didn’t set an alarm. I
wasn’t really planning on... this.

EMMA
Me either. Shit, shit, shit.

JAKE
What time does the thing start?

EMMA
Now. It starts now.

She stumbles into her shoes.

JAKE
Do you think we could talk?

Hints of awkward regret fill both of their faces.

 71.

EMMA
Can it wait ‘til tonight? It’s
just... Sarah’s gonna kill me.
She’s probably already killed
someone in my place.

JAKE
Yeah. Sure. Sorry I can’t make it.

EMMA
Don’t be. You have a real job.

Emma grabs her phone and hurries to the door.

JAKE
You’re gonna do great.

He wants to say more but doesn’t, letting Emma scurry out.

EXT./INT. FANCY HOTEL - MANHATTAN - DAY

Emma exits a cab holding two giant trays of appetizers. She

takes the hotel lobby steps two at a time and whirls towards
the banquet hall, where she runs into:

INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lee, dressed in black pants and a white collared shirt.

LEE
There you are. Jesus. I thought you
died. I had this vision of you dead
on a curb on Sixth Avenue. Car came
by and just popped you like a zit.
Boom. Guts everywhere.

EMMA
You could’ve called my cell phone.

LEE
I figured it would’ve been
destroyed in the crash.

EMMA
Just tell me where KJ is and help
me get the rest of the food from
the cab, please.

LEE
He’s in the kitchen hiding, lucky
bastard.
 72.

Lee starts down the steps.

EMMA
Lee?
(Lee turns)
Has Sarah noticed I’m not here?

LEE
There’s no food at a catered event
she planned, so, yes. I’m gonna go
with a hundred percent on that one,
genius.
(beat)
Oh, and don’t try hiding behind the
plants, I already did that. She’ll
find you.

Emma sighs warily and books it towards the kitchen.

INT. HOTEL - KITCHEN - DAY

Emma barrels into the kitchen and sets down the heavy trays.

EMMA
(hushed)
KJ! I know you’re in here.

A dumbwaiter slides open to reveal KJ crunched up in a ball.

KJ
Where the FUCK have you been?

EMMA
I don’t have time.

KJ
These wedding guests are like a
pack of hungry bears. I’ve been
putting out trays of “boxed oxygen”
for an hour.

KJ gets out and picks up the full trays.

EMMA
How’s Sarah?

KJ
I better just take the food.

KJ backs out of the swinging doors and hurries the food out
into the wedding reception. Emma gets a quick glance through
the doors: it’s small and tasteful. OLD PEOPLE mill about.
 73.

The doors come to a close and Emma takes a deep breath, but
they quickly swing back open to reveal Sarah.

SARAH
What the hell!

EMMA
I’m sorry.

SARAH
I don’t care if you’re sorry! I’ve
had to hold this thing together for
an hour without any food.

EMMA
I know.

SARAH
I was doing you a favor! Do you
know how this makes me look?

Sarah gives Emma a nudge in the chest. It’s not a punch, but
it’s forceful enough.

EMMA
Oww, jeez! I’m sorry, Sarah, I
messed up. I won’t take you up on
any of your favors anymore.

KJ and Lee re-enter the kitchen. Emma pokes Sarah back and
Sarah retaliates with a shove.

SARAH
It’s not just me, it’s everyone
here. We’ve been holding your hand
like a goddamn baby for months, and
you can’t even show up. You’re such
a selfish little ass. No wonder
you’re alone.

Before she can say another word, Emma’s already LEAPING onto
Sarah, taking her down to the ground. They wrestle with
abandon like toddler siblings, fully ready to commit murder.

EMMA
You can’t fight me, I’m older!

SARAH
I’ve always been stronger than you
and you know it.

Sarah gets a leg around Emma’s back and FLIPS her over,
gaining an advantage.
 74.

EMMA
You’re not stronger, I’m bigger
than you.

SARAH
I work out every day, Emma.

Sarah pins Emma’s arm down. HARD. Emma cries out.

SARAH (CONT’D)
That’s pilates, bitch.

KJ and Lee crowd around the fight, unsure of what to do.

SARAH (CONT’D)
This is how your body works when
you have an active sex life.

LEE
Throw an elbow for fuck’s sake!

SARAH
My thighs are steel.

In a moment of distraction, Emma gets an arm loose and SLAPS

SARAH IN THE FACE. Recoiling, Sarah stumbles, losing her grip
and allowing Emma to POUNCE. She sits on Sarah’s chest,
pinning her arms to the ground.

EMMA
What’s that? Was that pilates? Do
they show you this move in pilates?

She POKES SARAH IN THE STERNUM, who FREAKS OUT. Clearly a

method of sibling torture Sarah hasn’t felt in a while.

SARAH
STOP!

EMMA
Stop what? I don’t know what you’re
talking about.

POKE.

KJ
Come on, Emma, just--

He tries to lean in to lift Emma off, but Lee SLAPS him on

the arm, hard enough for him to wince.

LEE
Don’t you dare. I don’t have cable.
 75.

Sarah lifts a leg up onto the cabinets and VAULTS HERSELF

BACKWARDS, bucking Emma off of her. She barrel rolls to the
side and SLAMS into the wall.

Emma DIVES at her, clawing at the drywall. They stumble back

into the fridge, Sarah SLAMMING her head into it.

Like a wrestler against the ropes, Sarah uses the fridge to

push off and ROCKETS them towards the swinging doors.

INT. HOTEL - BANQUET HALL - CONTINUOUS

Sarah’s momentum carries them out the doors as she tackles

Emma and wraps her into a head lock. KJ and Lee follow.

GUESTS near the bar stop talking to watch the scene. An OLD
MAN adjusts his hearing aid.

KJ LEE
Stop! Go for the neck!

KJ
Don’t make me take you to the
hospital! I hate it there!

Chad rounds the corner from the bar and clocks the chaos.

CHAD
Sarah!
(to Emma)
Wait! She’s pregnant, stop! Stop!

Emma and Sarah get a couple more slaps in but the room
immediately quiets. Chad hurries over and pulls Sarah away.

CHAD (CONT’D)
Sarah, what are you thinking?

SARAH
I was winning earlier.

The two sisters try to catch their breath, sitting on the

floor. The wedding guests keep their distance, whispering.

KJ
Congratulations?

EMMA
You’re pregnant?

SARAH
Yeah.
 76.

EMMA
How long?

SARAH
A few months.

EMMA
Why didn’t you tell me?

SARAH
I don’t know. At this point,
telling you would just sound like
bragging.

EMMA
Bragging?

SARAH
You got dumped and got fired. I’m
trying to help, I’m trying to act
normal, but I don’t know how to
talk about being successful without
sounding like an asshole.

EMMA
Just because my life sucks doesn’t
mean I don’t care about yours.

SARAH
You’ve never even asked me about
any of that stuff.

EMMA
I’m sorry. You usually tell me. I
thought you didn’t like secrets.
Isn’t that why you went and tattle-
taled to Mom and Dad about the
wedding in the first place?

Sarah’s face furrows into confusion.

EMMA (CONT’D)
I’m a big girl. You could’ve told
me before I kicked you in the
stomach for Christ's sake.

SARAH
I didn’t tattle tale.

EMMA
What?

SARAH
I didn’t tell Mom and Dad.
 77.

EMMA
It’s fine, Sarah. I’m over it.

SARAH
That was Jake.

EMMA
(faltering)
He wouldn’t do that.

KJ takes a guilty step backwards. Emma clocks it.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Is that true?

KJ
I told him not to.

Emma gets up, stunned. More than that. Betrayed.

EMMA
Is there anything else I don’t know
about going on here?

LEE
I dropped a tray of crab cakes on
the way in here.

Emma sighs, untucks her shirt and heads for the door.

EMMA
Congratulations. I’m sorry for
being late.

She exits.

LEE
It was actually two trays, I’m
sorry. That’s on me.

INT. JAKE & KJ’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jake attempts to tidy up their disaster of an apartment.

He spots a glint of white under the couch and reaches for it,
coming up with the PHOTO BOOTH STRIP of him and Liz.

He furrows his brow and places it into the trash bag, as if

not to hurt it. KEYS JINGLE outside the door and Emma enters.

JAKE
Hi.
 78.

EMMA
Did you tell them?

JAKE
Tell who?

EMMA
My parents. Did you tell them about
the wedding? Is that why they
showed up here?

JAKE
I’m sorry. I was gonna tell you. I
tried this morning but we were... I
just didn’t know how to start.

EMMA
Why would you do that?

JAKE
I started to see what Sarah meant
about it not being healthy. About
moving on.

EMMA
Did you really have to go behind my
back to make that point?

JAKE
I wasn’t trying to make a point, I
thought I could help.

EMMA
You thought you, of all people,
were the person to help me move on?
Are you kidding?

JAKE
Don’t do that, we’re different. I
had moved on. I was fine. And then
I got a giant curveball thrown at
my head. I had been telling people
that Liz broke up with me because
she didn’t want to move to New
York. And now she’s HERE. In my
city. With some other guy. Do you
know how humiliating that is?

Emma gives him an incredulous look.

EMMA
I’ve been pretending that my
wedding is still on, for fuck’s
sake. A WEDDING.
(MORE)
 79.

EMMA (CONT'D)
I sent out invitations. Pieces of
paper, written in ink, that people
marked their calendars with. And
you think I don’t know what that
feels like?

JAKE
Emma, I’m sorry, I didn’t--

EMMA
You can think I need helping all
you want, Jake. And maybe I do. But
I know you. You’re not different
from me. You are me. You can act
like Liz lying was a curveball all
you want, but when I was the one
crying, you didn’t even know what
to do. And when I needed you the
most, you ratted me out. So maybe
she lied because you were just a
shitty boyfriend.

As soon as the words leave her mouth, Emma wants them back.
Jake simply nods, calmly and silently.

JAKE
Maybe you’re right.

EMMA
I’m sorry, I just... I think I just
need to leave.

Emma quickly stuffs as many belongings as she can into a

backpack, grabs another box full and turns to leave.

JAKE
When will you be back?

EMMA
I don’t know.

She’s gone just as quickly.

EXT. VARIOUS STREETS - DAY

Emma walks slowly, distraught, carrying herself further from

Jake’s. She picks up the pace without noticing, and all of
the sudden she’s running. Nowhere in particular. Just away.

ANOTHER STREET:

Still running, Emma’s made some ground. She’s out of breath

with no intention of stopping when the tears start falling.
 80.

ANOTHER STREET:

Emma runs around a corner and can’t take it any longer. She
crumbles to the ground and sits against a wall, crying. After
a long moment, she calms down and rubs her eyes. This is the
end of the road. Something has to change.

EXT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT

Sarah opens the door to reveal Emma, makeup streaked and hair
a rat’s nest, somehow managing a sheepish smile.

SARAH
What happened to you? You look like
a Halloween decoration.

EMMA
I need to ask you one more favor.

INT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - NURSERY - SAME

The door opens as Sarah and Emma enter. The room is

unfinished, but will clearly soon be a nursery. A mobile
swings from the ceiling above the spot where a crib will go.

Emma stares at the green walls.

EMMA
Is green boy or girl?

SARAH
Boy... thanks for asking.

Emma nods silently. They begin inflating an air mattress.

EMMA
Was the event a total disaster?

SARAH
Most of the comment cards reflected
an issue with unprofessional
yelling and violence, yes. They
liked the crab cakes, though.

EMMA
Yeah?

SARAH
Yeah.

EMMA
I really am sorry. I just--
 81.

SARAH
I know.

But she’s still not quite over it.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Are you sure you don’t want to stay
longer?

EMMA
Just a night or two.

SARAH
At least take a key. Just in case.

Sarah removes a key from her key chain and hands it over. The
air mattress now about full, Sarah turns to leave.

EMMA
Thanks. For everything.

Sarah nods and leaves, flipping the lights off as she goes.

INT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - NURSERY - ANOTHER DAY

Sarah politely knocks and enters, but doesn’t find Emma.

Instead, she finds a neatly folded pile of blankets in the
center of the room and a note that says, “I OWE YOU.”

INT. SUBWAY TRAIN - DAY

Emma rides alone, her POPCORN MAKER and COOLING NECK PILLOW
in the seat beside her, among other trivial Sky Mall
treasures. She unzips a small pocket on her purse and pulls
out HER ENGAGEMENT RING, staring at it. Willing it to speak.

INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

A typical pawn shop. Barred windows. Guitars behind glass. A

BURLY EMPLOYEE takes the popcorn maker into the back. She
kisses her palm and plants it onto the machine as he goes.

Emma takes one last, lingering look at the engagement ring

before placing it into a ring box. The PAWN SHOP OWNER closes
the ring box and hands Emma a wad of bills.

WES (PRE-LAP)
This is the best thing that’s ever
happened to me.
 82.

INT. APARTMENT - MOTT HAVEN, SOUTH BRONX - DAY

Emma sits across from WES and KIRSTA, early-20s, her

prospective roommates. Despite the g-man glasses and Kirsta’s
nose piercing, they’re very responsible for their age.

Wes is gobbling down a cookie from a tray Emma’s holding.

KIRSTA
Yeah, not many people bring cookies
to an interview.

EMMA
Thanks! I do a little baking in my
free time. Among other things.

KIRSTA
Do you do performance art?

EMMA
No?

They exhale, relieved.

WES
There are a lot of “geniuses” in
this neighborhood.

EMMA
What do you guys do?

KIRSTA
I go to Columbia. Wes is an
accountant.

EMMA
Wow. You should’ve told me that
earlier, I would’ve at least tried
to sound more professional.

KIRSTA
Where do you work?

EMMA
I... don’t. Right now. But I
recently came into some money, in
that I sold all of my belongings,
and I applied to like twelve server
jobs on the way here, so I’m hoping
to be able to answer to that
question soon.
 83.

KIRSTA
That place around the corner was
hiring, right?

WES
What place?

KIRSTA
The place with that cracked out
manager who thought you were her
grandson.

WES
Oh, yeah. No. That place burned
down like a week ago. Got set on
fire or some shit, I don’t know. I
read about it.

KIRSTA
(to Emma)
What happened with your last place?

Emma thinks. It certainly would be easier to lie...

EMMA
I was living with my fiance, but he
dumped me to move to Seattle alone,
so I couldn’t afford the place
anymore. Then I tried to have a
wedding on my own, lone wolf-style,
but it turns out that was crazy so
my best friend ratted me out to my
parents and I moved out of his
place, too. And here I am now!

KIRSTA
Rough.
(to Wes)
Do you have any questions?

Surprised to learn that the truth isn’t so bad after all,

Emma beams as Wes looks over a piece of paper intently.

WES
Do you like doing drugs?

EMMA
Is that a trick question?

WES
Do you like selling drugs?
 84.

EMMA
I don’t sell drugs, but even if I
did I’m sure I wouldn’t like it.

WES
Do you like to steal things?

EMMA
No. I’m very anti-stealing.

Wes nods, then looks back down at the paper for a long beat.

WES
I think I covered my questions.

KIRSTA
Welcome!

INT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - EMMA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A mattress lies on the floor. Clothes hanging in the closet.

It’s not much, but to Emma, it’s perfect. She decorates
happily as she pulls another item out of a box: HER CALENDAR.

She rips off a page to reveal May, where the big date is
still circled: “WEDDING!” She pins it up, holding its gaze,
until she’s interrupted by YELLING and GUNSHOTS outside. She
quickly turns off the light and hides comically in the
corner. Okay, so maybe it’s not perfect.

INT. EMMA’S BEDROOM - ANOTHER DAY

An alarm clock BUZZES. Emma slaps it silent and whips herself

out of bed. Her room is completely unpacked now.

INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - WEST VILLAGE - DAY

The kind of restaurant that isn’t open for lunch. Emma clears
plates from a table, chatting jovially with the dinner
guests. She wipes sweat from her brow as she passes by.

INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - KITCHEN - LATER

On her break, Emma sits on top of the galley counter eating a

gourmet burger. She sneaks other ingredients from the
cupboards and adds them in, improving it to her liking.

She sets the messy burger down, glances into an envelope full
of crinkled tips and grins, her cheeks full of food.
 85.

INT. IKEA - CHILDREN’S DEPARTMENT - DAY

Emma strolls by children’s furniture as kids race past their

parents. She stops in front of a WHITE CRIB. Her eyes linger
on a STOCK PHOTO of a happy couple on display.

INT. IKEA - CHECKOUT COUNTER - DAY

A large box containing the baby crib makes its way down a
conveyor belt. THE SAME IKEA EMPLOYEE who kicked her out
before dubiously scans the box. Emma waves awkwardly.

INT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - EMMA’S ROOM - NIGHT

Emma lies on the floor, her face awash in blue light, laptop
open to a HOW-TO VIDEO on crib construction.

INSERT COMPUTER: An e-mail notification pops up over the

video. She clicks to reveal an e-mail from Jake. Attached are
PHOTOS of Emma alone at the park from her shoot with him. One
photo, out of place, features a disheveled Jake making a sad
face and holding up a sign that says “I’M SORRY.”

Emma chews her lip. Shuts the computer.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - BROOKLYN - DAY

An American flag billows in the crisp wind. Emma wraps her

scarf tighter and then ascends the steps to the school.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - SAME

She walks silently, still feeling the fear of being caught in

the halls during class. Next to a door, a plaque reads “MR.
SULLIVAN.” Through the window, Emma steals a glance at Jake
sitting in his art classroom across from two parents.

She KNOCKS. He gets up, surprised, and motions to the parents

that he’ll be a moment. He quietly joins Emma in the hallway.

EMMA
Hi.

JAKE
Hey. What’re you doing here?

She searches for the words briefly.

EMMA
I got the photos.
 86.

She holds up her phone, showing the SAD PICTURE of Jake.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Particularly liked this one.

JAKE
Jesus, is that what I look like?

EMMA
I’m not sure how you’re allowed
around children.

They chuckle, then:

EMMA (CONT’D)
I’m so sorry. When I said--

JAKE
Don’t apologize, you were right.
And I shouldn’t have gone behind
your back. I just wanted you to be
okay. Even if I’m not.

EMMA
I know. I’m trying. I moved.

JAKE
Sarah told me. The South Bronx?

EMMA
It’s gentrifying! My roommates told
me it’s gonna be the new Brooklyn.

JAKE
It took decades for Brooklyn to get
that way!

EMMA
Okay, you’re right. It’s awful. It
took me an hour and a half to get
here and the place smells like
murder. But it’s mine.

JAKE
Well, if you ever want to get away,
I’m here.

EMMA
I’m here for you, too, you know.
Whatever you need.

Jake nods, thankful. Emma starts to leave, then turns back.

 87.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Do you and KJ want to come by
sometime? I’ll make dinner.

JAKE
Only if you have a bullet proof
vest I can borrow.

She continues walking backwards down the hallway.

EMMA
Those don’t stop knives, you know!

JAKE
(calling after)
I changed my mind, I’m not coming!

She disappears around a corner as Jake can’t help but smile.

INT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN/DINING ROOM - NIGHT

A pot of pasta sauce simmers on the stove. Kirsta looks over

her shoulder, then scoops a taste into her mouth. Emma wheels
in and Kirsta drops the spoon back into the pot, caught.

KIRSTA
Sorry, sorry. I know.

She scurries to the table, which is covered in textbooks.

KIRSTA (CONT’D)
If you made that in Puritan times,
they’d burn you for witchcraft.

EMMA
Thank you? You’re welcome to join.

KIRSTA
Tempting, but I can’t. I told
myself I’d leave after I finished
this problem, but I swear it’s a
Chinese mind trick.

EMMA
Maybe the real test is a test of
will.

KIRSTA
You think?

EMMA
No.
 88.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Emma goes to answer the door, revealing Jake.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Hi! Where’s Kage?

JAKE
He couldn’t make it. He said he
won’t travel north of 125th.

EMMA
Fair enough.

INT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - DINING ROOM - LATER

Emma and Jake sit at the table, both hiding in their beers.

JAKE
Nice weather out today, huh.

EMMA
Was it?

JAKE
I have no idea.

Wes approaches to grab a book Kirsta left on the table.

WES
Hi. Sorry, Kirsta forgot this.

EMMA
Jake, this is my roommate, Wes.

JAKE
Nice to meet you.

WES
How long has this been a thing?

JAKE
Oh, we’re not... a thing.

EMMA
Not dating.

JAKE
It’s more like a friend thing. Like
we’re friends. But she’s a lady.

EMMA
I am.
 89.

WES
My bad, I just thought... why do
you have a baby crib in your room?

EMMA
It’s for my sister. Why were you in
my room?

WES
Thank god. Babies make me vom.

He exits. Jake and Emma make awkward eye contact.

EMMA JAKE
He’s cool, right? What are we doing?

EMMA
I don’t know.

JAKE
You know me. I prefer to ignore
things until they go away or turn
into an infection. But I think we
have to talk about this.

EMMA
That night?

JAKE
Yes. I wouldn’t take it back. But
look at me. I’m the most fucked up
person I know right now, and I know
you. I don’t want to date you.

EMMA
God, I’m so glad you said that. I
don’t want to date you either.

JAKE
You leave tampon wrappers all over
the bathroom, it’s disgusting. I
can’t handle that.

EMMA
And you cry in the shower, so
there’s that.

JAKE
That was one time, don’t act like
that happens all the time. See, I
already know you’re a horrible
roommate.

Emma raises her glass.

 90.

EMMA
To friendship?

JAKE
To friendship.

They cheers and take long pulls from their drinks.

EMMA
Do you wanna check out the balcony?

EXT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT

Emma and Jake sit on the very narrow fire escape, looking
down on the flickering neighborhood lights below.

JAKE
This is not a balcony.

EMMA
Rickety fire escape doesn’t have
the same ring.

JAKE
It’s nice, though. It’s very...
high up.

Emma hands Jake a fork and takes a small WEDDING CAKE out of
a box, scooping a forkful out of it herself.

EMMA
How are you doing?

JAKE
I don’t really know. I feel like
I’m gonna see Liz everywhere I go.
Like the city is suffocating me.
It’s crazy. I feel crazy.

EMMA
As crazy as me?

They chuckle. More forkfuls of cake.

JAKE
You’re not such a bad person to be
like after all.

EMMA
It all feels so foreign now. The
wedding, everything. Like it wasn’t
me, it’s just some story I know
really well.
(MORE)
 91.

EMMA (CONT'D)
(beat)
Brett wasn’t right for me. I think
I just liked feeling... I never had
to worry about the future with him.
He’d be first in line to buy a
flying car and last to die in a
robot apocalypse. Guaranteed.

Jake blows a quiet laugh through his nose.

EMMA (CONT’D)
But I get why he left. We liked
each other, and we were fine
together, but we weren’t great. We
were... Betty Crocker.

Jake furrows his brow, confused by the reference.

EMMA (CONT’D)
It’s fine in a pinch, sure, but
it’s nothing to cry over. Not that
I acted that way. I acted more like
a kid who got her toy taken away...
deep down, I think I knew the toy
wasn’t worth it, but I was still
upset that it was gone so suddenly.

JAKE
That doesn’t mean you’re childish.
You’re allowed to be upset.

She nods, but quickly deflects. Another bite of cake.

EMMA
Five years. Five years I could’ve
been eating cake, instead I was
giving blow jobs. What a world.

They chuckle at her joke, but it’s clear she’s still hurting.

EMMA (CONT’D)
The wedding was supposed to be two
weeks from now. The twenty-seventh.

JAKE
Wow, already?

EMMA
I got rid of everything. My place,
my job, his stuff... I feel so far
past it, but he still has this one
thing hanging over me.
 92.

JAKE
You seem like you’re doing great.

EMMA
I’ll be great once it hits May
twenty-eighth.

This lands on Jake. Wheels turning. Forming a plan.

A FEW DISTANT GUNSHOTS suddenly break the mood.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Inside?

JAKE
Yes please.

They quickly start to get up.

EXT. SARAH & CHAD’S HOUSE - FRONT STEPS - DAY

Emma drags the large crib box up the steps as quietly as she
can. She pulls her spare key out and slips it into the lock.

INT. FOYER - SAME

The house seems empty. She shuffles down the hallway

undetected, only once bumping into the wall with a BOOM. Emma
notices a pile of ORIGAMI BIRDS on the counter. Strange.

INT. NURSERY - SAME

Scattered pieces of white wood litter the once-clean bedroom.

Emma sits amidst the pile, attempting to screw one board into
another until the screwdriver revolts against her hand.

EMMA
FUCK.

She buries the screwdriver into the carpet.

INT. HALLWAY - SAME

Sarah, visibly more pregnant, tiptoes down the hallway

wielding a BASEBALL BAT and stops at the nursery door.
 93.

INT. NURSERY - CONTINUOUS

The door flies open and Emma SCREAMS. When Sarah sees it’s
Emma, she lowers her bat, exhaling deeply.

SARAH
What the hell are you doing here?

EMMA
You gave me a key! I was just--

SARAH
Is that a crib?

EMMA
In theory.

Emma flops down on the floor in defeat, staring upwards at

the mobile. Sarah drops the bat and stands over her.

SARAH
You didn’t have to do this.

EMMA
I know. I’m trying to make things
right with the universe.

SARAH
Thanks.

Emma looks up. The mobile twirling. Thoughts swirling.

EMMA
Do you hate me?

SARAH
Why would I hate you?

EMMA
This whole thing, the wedding...
you were right. It was crazy.

SARAH
I don’t hate you.

EMMA
I would hate me.

Sarah lies down onto the floor next to Emma.

SARAH
I’m jealous of you.

Emma scoffs, laughing.

 94.

EMMA
What could you possibly be jealous
of?

SARAH
It’s just... I got straight As. I
got married. I’m having a kid. I
did everything right, and you’re
still the one everybody likes.

EMMA
That’s not true.

SARAH
It is. I know I’m the bitchy one.

EMMA
Are you kidding? I’ve been trying
to live up to you since you were
born. This wedding was the one
thing I thought I had right, that
Mom and Dad were finally proud of.
You’re not the bitchy one, you’re
the perfect one.

A brief silence, then:

SARAH
We weren’t trying.

EMMA
Huh?

SARAH
The kid. We weren’t trying.
(off Emma’s surprise)
I’m not upset, I want kids. We were
just waiting for the perfect time.
Some magical day where I wouldn’t
be worried that I’m gonna fuck up
and ruin this kid’s life. But there
is no perfect time. I’ll never stop
worrying. And I probably will fuck
up. No one has it all figured out,
Em. No one’s perfect. We’re all
just faking it so other people
can’t see what a mess we are
inside.

Emma takes this in, staring up at the ceiling. Sarah pipes up

inconspicuously.

SARAH (CONT’D)
What’re you gonna do on Saturday?
 95.

EMMA
What do you mean?

SARAH
That’s the big day, right? I
figured you’d have something
planned.

EMMA
I just want to get it over with.
For the first time, I’m actually
excited for what’s next. I just
wish I could hit fast forward.
Maybe I’ll take sleeping pills,
that’s almost the same.

Sarah nudges her sister, forcing eye contact.

SARAH
You’re gonna be okay, you know
that, right? If I can still love
you after all this, you’ll be fine.

EMMA
I know. I love you, too. I’m sorry
for slapping you in the face.

Sarah slaps Emma, not too hard but hard enough.

SARAH
Now we’re even.

EMMA
Excuse me!

They slap-fight each other briefly, though far less

aggressively than before. Sarah surrenders and flops her head
down onto Emma’s stomach.

SARAH
Can I be your matron of honor
again?

EMMA
Fine. But your imaginary dress is
gonna be ugly.

They both chuckle; no longer enemies. Just sisters.

INT. EMMA’S APARTMENT - EMMA’S ROOM - NIGHT

Tucked into her bed, the light from her phone bounces off
Emma’s face, but she’s not texting. Just watching the clock.
 96.

INSERT PHONE: The time unceremoniously changes from 11:59 to

12:00 midnight. May 27th.

Emma furrows her brow. The big day has finally arrived. She
thought she’d feel like crying, or at least like punching a
wall. But she’s surprised to learn that she feels nothing.

EXT. SARAH’S CAR - STREET - DAY

Emma runs out of her building and hops into Sarah’s car.

INT./EXT. SARAH’S CAR - MOVING - DAY

Sarah drives back down Manhattan, hands at ten and two.

SARAH
I just have to make one quick
stop... how are you doing?

EMMA
Fine, actually. I feel fine.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

The car pulls up alongside the school and parks. Sarah gets
out, followed by a confused and prodding Emma.

EMMA
Seriously. Why are we here? I know
you can hear me.

SARAH
Just come on.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - FOYER - DAY

They enter the now-eerie hallways of the high school, which

just hours ago were alive with sound.

EMMA
Schools always freaked me out on
weekends. They’re so quiet. It’s
like I’m treading on sacred burial--

Before she can finish, Sarah TAKES OFF down the hallways.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Where are you going? Hey!

She takes off after her, though Sarah’s inexplicably faster.

 97.

INT. HALLWAYS - CONTINUOUS

Sarah winds around a turn as Emma starts to close the gap.

EMMA
Should you even be running right
now? I’m telling your doctor!

She rounds the corner and sees the door to the gym swaying
quietly, as if someone just entered it. She heads for it.

INT. GYM - CONTINUOUS

Blackness. Emma feels for a light switch.

EMMA
If you jump out and scare me, I
don’t care if you’re pregnant, I
will slap you again.

The lights POWER ON to reveal not Sarah, but Jake. Out of

instinct, Emma wheels back and SLAPS Jake in the face.

He cowers in pain as Sarah maternally checks his face.

EMMA (CONT’D)
Jesus! I warned you--

REVEAL BEHIND JAKE: a thicket of white folding chairs leading

to a poorly-crafted altar, clearly left behind by a low-grade
theatre class performance. White Christmas lights and the
ORIGAMI BIRDS from Sarah’s house litter the awnings. The
basketball court lines still show on the floor, but above, it
looks like a tasteful wedding location. Emma takes it all in.

EMMA (CONT’D)
What is this?

JAKE
Your wedding location. I know it’s
not perfect, but--

EMMA
It looks great. You guys did this
by yourself?

SARAH
I stole a lot from work.

JAKE
And I know a guy who has the keys
to this place... me. I have them.
(MORE)
 98.

JAKE (CONT'D)
I also booked the freshman
orchestra to play. Seniors were at
a competition this weekend.

EMMA
Lucky us.

JAKE
They’re almost as good. Not really.
But it’ll be fine.

Emma grins.

EMMA
So when’s the wedding?

SARAH
Guests show up at four.

EMMA
Today?

SARAH
Surprise!

EMMA
You really didn’t need to do this.

JAKE
Doesn’t mean it won’t be fun.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GIRLS’ BATHROOM - LATER THAT DAY

A knife pads icing onto a cake. Emma dips the knife in for
more as Sarah stands behind her, styling Emma’s hair.

SARAH
That looks good.

EMMA
How many people do you think make
their own wedding cake?

SARAH
Not many in a public bathroom,
that’s for sure.

EMMA
Yeah, let’s not tell anyone that.
(beat)
Should I really do this?
 99.

SARAH
Are you seriously getting cold
feet? You’re marrying yourself.

EMMA
Maybe I don’t want to anymore. This
whole thing is crazy. I don’t want
to be stuck with a crazy person.

SARAH
I’m glad you’ve finally realized
what I’ve been telling you for, oh
I don’t know, ever?

Emma playfully reaches back and punches her in the arm.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Don’t worry. Everyone’s crazy.

EMMA
You’re not.

SARAH
I just planned a fake wedding with
Jake, I’m the craziest of them all.
Now you’re gonna go out there, put
on a dress, bask under the
beautiful lights I stole from the
McIntyre reception, and marry
yourself, goddammit.

EMMA
Alright, alright. I’ll do it.
Thanks, coach.

Emma re-focuses on the cake, squeezing lavender tubing onto

the top with incredible concentration.

SARAH (PRE-LAP)
Emma.
(beat)
Emma.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - JAKE’S CLASSROOM - LATER THAT DAY

Looking radiant in a borrowed wedding dress, it’s finally

time. She gazes into space, lost in thought, as Sarah tries
to get her attention.

SARAH
EMMA.

She snaps out of it.

 100.

EMMA
Yeah. Sorry. Yes?

SARAH
Does the dress fit?

EMMA
It’s a little tight, but I’ll live.
Thanks for letting me wear it.

SARAH
I’m not planning on using it again.
I’ve gotta go. Everything looks
great.

EMMA
Don’t worry about me, I have this
area under control.

SARAH
I’m sorry Mom and Dad aren’t here,
Em. I called, it’s just--

EMMA
I’m fine, really. Go, go.

Sarah scoots out.

INT. GYM - DAY

A small array of GUESTS are seated, the lights twinkling

above them. The FRESHMAN ORCHESTRA sits to the side of the
aisle, milling around and goofing off.

KJ and Jake play basketball on a corner hoop in tuxedos. KJ

swats Jake’s shot away violently.

SARAH
(to the guys)
Seriously? I’m not gonna ask again.
Sit the fuck down.

They retreat over to Sarah to help usher. Sarah has quickly

adapted to her Matron of Honor role as she micro-manages
everybody’s posture, funneling them into their seats.

Next up is Chad, who approaches Sarah cautiously.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Oh, god. What happened?
 101.

CHAD
I know you told me to hold on to
the Ring Pop and not eat it, but
there was this adorable little kid
outside and he wanted to hold it...
but then he ate it.

He holds up the bare plastic base of the ring. Sarah kisses

him sweetly.

SARAH
Your lips taste like strawberry...

CHAD
I... kissed the kid. Nope. That
doesn’t help. I totally ate it.

Sarah smiles and reveals a replacement Ring Pop.

CHAD (CONT’D)
I love you.

SARAH
I love you, too.

She shoos him down the aisle as FRIENDS AND FAMILY look on
from perfect lines of chairs.

INT. JAKE’S CLASSROOM - SAME

One last deep breath into the mirror. Emma’s ready.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. The door creaks open.

EMMA
Sare, you gotta go.

WILL (O.S.)
If you look at yourself in the
mirror, does that count as a jinx?

REVEAL WILL, looking sharp in his Sunday best.

WILL (CONT’D)
Hey, kiddo.

Emma’s eyes shoot wide. They hug. He finally realizes that

though his daughter may not need this, she does need him.

WILL (CONT’D)
I’m sorry for...

Everything.
 102.

WILL (CONT’D)
I’m sorry we’re late.

EMMA
We?

WILL
Your mother’s already seated. She
wanted me to give you this. It’s
from our wedding.

Will puts a NECKLACE around Emma’s neck.

EMMA
I remember it from pictures.

She admires it in the dirty mirror.

EMMA (CONT’D)
I’m sorry, too. It wasn’t your
fault, I just... I didn’t want to
disappoint you again.

WILL
Oh, hun. You’ve never disappointed
us. I don’t need you to marry a
fancy doctor or pop out grandkids.
I wouldn’t even care if you went
off and moved to a hippie commune
and married a tree. You want to
know the only thing I need? It’s
you, Em. It’s just you.

Emma smiles, her heart full, and hugs her dad again.

EMMA
Thanks, dad. I have the money, too.
For you and mom.

WILL
We can talk about that later. In
the meantime...

He holds up a video camera, recording her big day.

WILL (CONT’D)
Smile for the camera!

EMMA
Still? Come on.
 103.

WILL
I’m making memories here. Someday
I’m gonna get Alzheimer’s and I’m
gonna watch these videos and ask
your mother who that beautiful girl
in the wedding dress is.

EMMA
Dad!

WILL
I heard you needed somebody to walk
you down the aisle. Are you still
taking applications?

EMMA
I think you’ll do.

INT. GYM - LATER

PHOTOS FROM THE SHOOT WITH JAKE litter the room.

Emma stands at the altar, facing Lee in her minister role.

Sarah and Chad on her left, Jake and KJ on her right.

Cath waves from the crowd, and Emma happily waves back.

LEE
We’ve gathered here today to
celebrate Emma. Our beautiful,
wonderful, funny, fucked up trash
person of a friend...

A number of FRIENDS AND RELATIVES look on, listening

confusedly. Wes and Kirsta among them.

LEE (CONT’D)
I’ve known Emma for quite a few
months now, and in that amount of
time she has proved to me that she
is not at all capable of holding
down a job, or a relationship with
another human person--

An orchestra member accidentally drops his TRUMPET.

LEE (CONT’D)
Hey, children? Can you keep your
trumpets in your pants for like
five seconds here? This wedding may
be bullshit but you gotta behave
anyway. Be a professional.
(MORE)
 104.

LEE (CONT’D)
(then, back to the crowd)
KJ, get up here and do your thing.

KJ takes a step forward and begins reading from NOTECARDS.

KJ
This reading is from album two,
track eight.
(clears throat)
While you laughin’ we’re passing,
passing away. So y’all go rest
ya’ll souls.

A RELATIVE in the audience fumbles through a program, trying

to find what passage KJ’s reading from.

KJ (CONT’D)
‘Cause I know I’ma meet you up at
the crossroads. Ya’ll know, y’all
forever got love from them Bone
Thugs, baby.
(picking up his notes)
Thank you.

Emma wipes a fake tear from her eye; KJ puts one hand on his
heart and points the other at Emma. Lee addresses the crowd.

LEE
I’d like to move on to the vows if
that’s cool with everyone, because
I’m getting super bored.

Lee gestures to Jake, who presents the RING POP. He carefully

slips the candy ring onto Emma’s finger as Lee speaks.

LEE (CONT’D)
If anyone here has a reason Emma
should not be joined in fake
matrimony, speak now or don’t. It
doesn’t really matter either way.

Emma’s eyes prod jake for a rebuttal. He shakes his head and
nods encouragingly. Lee turns to Emma.

LEE (CONT’D)
Do you, Emma, take you for your
lawful wedded self, to have and to
hold from this day forward, in the
unholy shit storm of single life?

EMMA
I do.
 105.

LEE
Do you swear to love and cherish
yourself, for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health, for
richer or for the much, much more
likely poorer?

EMMA
(truthfully)
I do.

LEE
And do you solemnly swear, for the
love of god, to stop eating grilled
cheese three times a week?

Emma shakes her head “no,” but Lee eyes her, pressing.

EMMA
Ugh, fine. I do.

LEE
Then by the power arbitrarily
invested in me a few hours ago, I
now pronounce you alone. Ladies and
gentleman, Emma Davies!

The orchestra starts up, playing a simple strings piece that

quickly begins to sound familiar...

JUST THEN, THE GYM CURTAINS BEHIND THE ALTAR PULL OPEN to
reveal a HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR, robes and all. Emma spins around
as an over-enthusiastic ASIAN BOY kicks in with the lyrics.

ASIAN BOY
UP IN THE CLUB, WE JUST BROKE UP /
I’M DOIN’ MY OWN LITTLE THING...

It’s “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. The Asian Boy owns the

verses as the choir and orchestra back him up. It’s over the
top in the best way possible.

Emma whips around to Jake, who gives her an “I had to” look.
She takes in the spectacle and starts SHIMMYING her way
toward the choir.

The rest of the wedding party starts dancing, TOSSING FLOWER

PETALS and encouraging the rest of the guests to join in.

Emma leans in toward Jake.

EMMA
How did you pull this off?
 106.

JAKE
I told them Lee was in the mafia.

EMMA
What?

JAKE
Just kidding!

He embraces Emma in a hug. Behind her, Lee stares down a kid

and runs a finger across her throat. Jake waves her off.

Soon enough, the whole crowd is dancing.

INT. GYM - LATER

The reception now in full swing, everyone’s still dancing.

With the lights dimmed and the gym’s disco ball shining, the
walls and ceiling flicker with infinite, iridescent lights.

“Single Ladies” still plays, this time the real track.

HIGH SCHOOLERS sneak pulls from the beer kegs. Some still in
their choir robes. A group of DRUNK VIOLINISTS falls over,
bringing a few chairs down with them. No one seems to care.

Emma’s on the dance floor surrounded by Jake and KJ as KJ’s

girlfriend, JESSIE, approaches the group. She looks human,
and more so, she looks pretty.

KJ
There you are! I want to introduce
you to someone.

REVEAL JAKE has plastered a skeptical look onto his face.

KJ (CONT’D)
Jake, this is Jessie. Jessie, Jake.

JESSIE
Pleasure.

JAKE
Likewise. I’ve heard a lot about
you. KJ was just telling me that
you’re really good at the robot.

KJ rolls his eyes.

JESSIE
I’m not too bad.
 107.

Jessie busts out a pretty decent robot as a smirk appears on

Jake’s face. Even he can’t deny it: this girl is cool.

Emma playfully drags Jake in closer, urging him to dance with

her. He does, as the rest of the guests dance obliviously.

Jake leans to Emma’s ear.

JAKE
I’m leaving tomorrow.

EMMA
Leaving? What do you mean?

JAKE
I have to catch a flight. I didn’t
want to steal your moment.

EMMA
Moment stolen, jet setter. Flight
to where?

JAKE
Ireland, actually.

Emma smiles proudly.

JAKE (CONT’D)
Some jerk told me I need to work on
my emotions, and I hear the Irish
are good at that, so--

Emma cuts him off, pulling him into a hug.

“Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morrisette begins to play.

EMMA
When are you coming back?

JAKE
(beaming)
I don’t know.

EMMA
Who am I supposed to talk to for
this unknown amount of time? KJ?

JAKE
I don’t recommend it, no.

EMMA
I need you more than Ireland does.
 108.

JAKE
It’s my turn to be crazy now.

Emma playfully jabs him. He winces.

EMMA
Are you okay?

JAKE
I will be.

He kisses her on the forehead.

EMMA
I’ll be here when you get back.

JAKE
We still have the rest of the
night.

EMMA
What do we do?

JAKE
We dance.

They twirl around on the dance floor. Jake spins her and she
loses his grasp, twirling a few paces away.

She slows briefly to see the rest of the wedding guests

dancing, talking, laughing. Each person with their own crises
and failures, their own triumphs and hope.

ALANIS (O.S.)
AND WHAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO / IS
THAT NO ONE’S REALLY GOT IT FIGURED
OUT JUST YET...

She catches Jake’s gaze one last time. Emma smiles. At least
for this moment, everything will be fine.

CUT TO BLACK.

THE END.