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    Legally Blonde Libretto

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    Legally Blonde Libretto

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    342 views132 pages

    Legally Blonde Libretto

    Uploaded by

    Sarah Rose Stack

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    © All Rights Reserved
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    ACT ONE, SCENE ONE EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - DAY ‘The ert rises on a mute! srrity house at University California, Los Angles. Every eariaton onthe cole pink sin view, channeling the spr ofa Bare Drew Hous. ‘A window opens and soanty girl MARGOT signs a Congratulations Elle card MARGOT (ontng in cord) “DEAR ELLE: HES A LUCKY GUY FM, LIKE, GONNA cry = {GOT TEARS COMING OUT OF MY Nose! MAD PROPS! HES THE CAMPUS CATCH: YOU'RE A PERFECT MATCH, ‘CAUSE YOU'VE BOTH GOT SUCH GREAT TASTE IN CLOTHES ‘OF COURSE HE WiLL PROPOSE” ‘Avater window opens, SERENA grat the cad fom MARGOT and signs ~ SERENA (grabbing card and writing) DEAR ELLE HONEY, MAZEL TOV! FUTURES TAKING OFF BRING THAT RING BACK AND SHOW IF'TO ME Yet anter window abo pens, PILAR (arbi cr and writin) “FOUR CARATS OF PRINCESS CUT~ ARE YOU PSYCHED OR WHAT? UST WISH 1 COULD aE THERE To see Sony sun Theexcited GIRLS ty to sneak up the stairs o Ell’ rom. MARGOT, SERENA, FILAR WHEN HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE! ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. ALL DELTA NUS (OH. tv. GOD. omIGoD YouGUYS, {LOOKS LIKE ELLE'S GONNA WIN THE PRIZE! | THERE EVER WAS A PERFECT COUPLE, THIS ONE QUALIRES. omicon vou curs! (011 MY GOD! THIS 1S HAFPENING, ‘OUR OWN HOMECOMING QUEEN AND KING, FINALLY SHE'LL BE TRYING ON [A HUGE ENGAGEMENT RING FOR SIZe oMicon You cursi omcon) GAELEN (on cet pons) ‘Shot upl Ele? Shut upt Warner? Shut up! Engaged? Omigod, "Now inside the Delta Nu house, MARGOT and SERENA colette cord andorgoize the GIRLS int a procession wih cud. PILAR OKAY. EVERYBODY SIGN? (6000, NOW FALLIN LINE [AND WE'LL START THE ENGAGEMENT PARADE. SERENA LUGHT CANDLES AND SINGLE FILE DON'T FORGET TOSMILE. LOSE THE GUM, KATE, YOU LOOK LIKE THE MAIDI KATE SERENA [NOW PREPARE TO SERENADE! MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR DELTA Nus (O81. MY. G00. oMGOD You Guys! {LOOKS LIKE ELLE GONNA WIN THE PRIZE SERENA IPTHERE EVER WAS A PERFECT COUPLE, THISONE CUALI- SH! FM sERIOUS, ‘omicon you~ LEILANI ELLE AND WARNER WERE MEANT TO. | Girt | (ogrcng) NOT ONCE EVER HAS HE HIT ON ME LEILANI KATE you're Baking) (ee gue) SHU UP: SHUT UP: MARGOT THEY'RE JUST LIKE THAT COUPLE FROM “TITANIC! ONLY NOONE DIES, DELTA NUS KATE omicon- (conducting) ‘TWO, THREE, FOUR ‘Te GIRLS reach Ele's dor and begin the traditional Delta Nu Engagement Chorale DELTA NUS DAUGHTER OF DELTA Nu, ‘SOON TO BE FIANCEE, NOW THAT A MAN cHose You, YOUR LIFE BEGiNs TODAY. MAKE HIM & HAPPY HOME WASTE NOT HIS HARD-EARNED WACE, AND, SO HE DOES NOT ROAM, STRIVE NOT TO LOOK YOUR ACE. ttt Bone (DELTA NUS) LET IT BE UNDERSTOOD, ‘OUR SACRED BOND OF SISTERHOOD" (011 GoD! oHMIGOD, YoU ‘The GIRLS fling open Ele’ dor Bul ELLE nt there SERENA Guys, she's not here, BRUISER the cals ws out Confused hub MARGOT (open) Bruise, where's Ele? BRUISER 9p3) MARGOT ‘She doesnt have an engagement utit? BRUISER (raps) MARGOT ‘She's totaly fesking out BRUISER (raps) MARGOT ‘She's tapped inthe old valley sil BRUISER (op) MARGOT Ohsony, the Old Valley Mall, (AU relieved. Then gop.) DELTA NUS (08 MY GoD, oNtGoD You GUYS | FASHION CRISIS TOSUPERVISE [NO OVE SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE TO DRESS ANDTO ACCESSORIZE. ‘omicon vou curs! ‘oMIcoD! omIGoD! OMIGOD! oMIGoD! oMcOOOD! We are tthe mall des boutique. ELLE WOODS in al er pink glory sep ut of the changing room. ELLE Ws almost there, bu (sings) ‘THIS DRESS NEEDS TOSEAL THE DEAL— -MAKEA GROWN MAN KNEEL; DUT ITCAN'T COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY “BRIDE.” ~ CANT LOOK LIKE I DESP'RATE, OR LIKE 1M WAITING FORT. 'VEGOTTA LEAVE WARNER HS PRIDE. O“BRIDE” I$ MORE. IMPLIED. SERENA DELTA NUS adit “i's. ELLE oft GoD! Micon You Guys ALL THI WEEK IVE HAD BUTTERFLIES; EVIRYTIME HELOOKS AT ME I'S TOTALLY PROPOSAL EYES ‘omucoo You Guys! (ity ut SO HELP ME DRESS FOR MY FAIRY TALE— | SERENA ~ THis 15 NOTIME TO ECONOMIZE! ELLE & DELTA NUS oMicop vou Guys: [A SALESWOMAN appears SALESWOMAN, (coy (hy Blondes make commission $0 ext. The SALESWOMAN ripe le tg ofa dessa sops down on ELLE. om) Excuse me, have you seen this? Ijust ame ins perfect fora Bonde. igh, with a half.loop itch on china stk? SALESWOMAN Unb, ELLE But the things, you ca use haloop sich on china alk 1 pucker. Alt just got his in because I saw it in ast May's "Vogue." DELTA NUS (cto voce, dlighet) (oH My GoD. omIGOD YOU GUYS. ELLE rm mot about to buy lst year's dees at this year’s pic, DELTA NUS [ELLE SAW RIGHT THROUGH THAT SALESGIRL'S LFS, ELLE Iemay be perfect for blonde, but fm nat THAT blonde, (sings SALESWOMAN) [MAY BE IN LOVE BUT FM NOT STUPID, LADY: PVEGOT EVES, ‘The STORE MANAGER recogits ELLE ad rushes be. And you STORE MANAGER ‘omicon: ELLE Woops! SORRY, OUR MISTAKE — ( Salesman) COURTNEY, TAKE YOUR BREAK — (to Bg JUST IGNORE HER, SHE HASN'T BEEN WELL, The MANAGER brings ot ones des. GOON, TRY TON. TAKE CARE OF MY BEST CLIENTELE The DELTA NUS swirl eound ELLE, hing her from the eudinc. {TS AGIFT FROM ME TO ELLE! ‘The women park. ELLE reappear, wearing the nw dress, which is peace And pink ELLE DELTA NUS AM AH AH AN AIL AH AH AHL (OH My. Gob. oMIGoD You Guys! aH THIS ONE'S PERFECT. AND IPS JUST MY SIZE! SEE? DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE an ‘YOU NEVER HAVE TO COMPROMISE, omicooon: DELTA NUS on ner (0H ney GoD. oMIGOD YOU Guys! LET'S GO HOME BEFORE SOMEONE CRIES ‘Scene changes and suddenly we're bakin the marble foyer of Dela Nu (F THERE EVER WAS A PERFECT COUPLE, THIS ONE QUALIFIES: ‘CAUSE WE LovE You cus! ELLE NOI LOvE You Guys! DELTA NU GIRLS onMicoD... ELLE onMiceD.. ALL omicooooon, oMtcoDt ACT ONE, SCENE TWO Romantic slo jam pays swe met WARNER HUNTINGTON THE THIRD in Delta Nu foyer. WARNER then lads ELLE into a outdoor courtyard resourat ‘A VIOLINIST sels among th other diners. ELLE (Oh, Warner. Tonight's jus perfec. WARNER No, you're peste FLLE No, you ar, WARNER. No, YOU are ELLE WARNER. No,you Le You. WARNER Yow. ELL ‘You. Okay, I'm even iritating mysel. WARNER Eile, want you o know how happy you've made me, Every guy dreams about finding ge who looks like you (ELLE beams) Le WE BOTH KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE | SEE rT YOUR EYES. GUESS IT CALNS MY FEAR, teesetviaows (WARNER) THOUGHT ONE LOOK AT YOU, LOOKING LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE, WOULD LEAVE ME SPEECHLESS LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. BUT NOW WE'RE WIDE AWAKE, [AND WE'VE GOT SOME PLANS TO MAKE; LETS TAKE SOME ACTION, BABY! S50 BABY GIVE ME YOUR HAND, 1'E.COT SOME DREAMS TO MAKE TRUE | [VE COT THE FUTURE ALL PLANNED. rs MME TO CET SEROUS, METOGET SEROUS wa vou. BLUE never THOUGHT THAT T= WARNER (phe, potty) Un ony, Fmt ied? sue (phe, poet 1 Oh sn } WARNER pute SINCE! WAS THO OR THRE, ssc | sevture was rLaxnen our neat nosis TDGET MY Law DECREE vate AND THEN WIN MY SENATESEAT " sn Ast WHE HOUSE BACK EAST OAHU i ALLOF ie aMENES van THREE KID ATLEAST, AT uEAs [UST URETHE KENNEDY'S JUST UKE THe KENNEDYS: HERES WHERE OURLVES EG COURLVES Bea [DO YOU FIT IN? BUTSUST WHE FLL BREAK ITDowns NOW, BABY! (OM BABY CIVEME YOUR HAND! HAH Att AH ABL Lecatsy Biowoe a1 (WARNER) (ELLE) HERE'S My HANDE HERE'S MY HAND! VE GOT SOME DREAMS TO MAKE TRUE! WE BOTH HAVE DREASS. ‘TO MAKE TRUE! {KNOW THAT YOULL UNDERSTAND, (OH YES UNDERSTAND! 1's MIME TO GET SERIOUS, TIME TO GET SERIOUS, TIME TO GET SERIOUS, ‘TIME TO GET SERIOUS, | wm | serious: SERIOUS GOTTA WAKE UP AND TAKE OUR JOURNEY SEROUS. serious, /AFUTURE ATTORNEY! YOU WANT THE MOON AND SKY? atta THEN TAKEIT, DON'T BESHHY OKAY! BABY THAT'S WHY YOU AND 1 aM SHOULD BREAK UP! YES. BABY, LL GIVE YOU MY HAND; We Weare The voit and oer diners GASP. ELLE ‘You're breaking up with me? I thought you were proposing WARNER | id tak to my parents about it Pook- Beas, but... they expecta ot from me. fm joing to Harvard Law School and my bothe’s at Yale Law ~ sos is new wife and she’s Vanderbl for Chrisake ELLE ‘Oho ' not good enough for you? Warner, Fm fom Malibu Im not exactly telertash here! Richard Simmons four neighbor! ELLE begins fo crite pups si WARNER El, fim gonna be a senator when tm thie WARNER eLLe PM GONNA NEED SOMEBODY SERIOUS: oop LESS OF A MARILYN MORE A JACKIE seRious, tout SOMEBODY CLASSY AND NOT 700 TACKY. wnarat ‘The diners GASP. (OKAY, THAT CAME OUT WRONG. (sb) BABY, LETS HOTH BESTRONG (GASP st) [IMEAN WF'UF KNOWN ALL ALONG (aking wi AdWAGH, JUST SHUT Ut (ELLE) (open What does that mean, Fn not a Jackie.” ‘m no serious—? But Fm serioutly in love with you ELLE lnes WARNER BABY, MY FUTURE'S ALL PLANNED. PVE GOT SOME DREANS TO MAKE TRUE, THOUGHT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND: TTS TIME TOGET SERIOUS. ‘TIME T0 GETSERIOUS, {As te VIOLINIST completes sorrel flours, (poten) Check, please ACT ONE, SCENE THREE DELTA NUS hold candles. They are ouside Ele’ closed dor, DELTA Nus DAUGHTER OF DELTA NU, SWEETHEARTIT'S BEEN TWELVE DAYS! PLEASE LET Us HELP YOU THROUGH, MaRGor iking up adiscantod wrap, hosed) | SHES EATINGMILKY WANS! | The GIRLS adi horror PILAR Tell me those are funsize. THINK HE SHOULD BE SHOT. SERENA ‘AND LEMME TELL YoU WHAT, 1 DONT THINK HE'S THAT HOT. MARGOT 10, SERENA WELL, YOURE A SLUT, MARGOT ok who's talking! PILAR ‘Thee words: Spring Break! Cabo! GIRLS res arguing ELLE comes out of er roo, The ges INSTANTLY quiet ELLE Gils, snus we al descend into madness? PILAR Ch, honey, so good to se you... Look! We brought you new magazines. We've got Tone and Country and your favorit, the one they aamedatter you, Ele Magazine. The DELTA NUssutrund ELLE and try toch her up uit he stack of magazines ELLE lstessly les hough an ise of "Town ed Country” magazine ELLE ‘Thanks Pilar, Bat i's gonns take more than “El” and “Town and Country” to bring me back from my Shame Spiral MARGOT Well then ewes, you're just gona hafts eld on caus the new Coss not out ‘ul next wee ‘The GIRLS maka tringl tel ond lat hemvenard. ELLE smiles despite href ‘nd fps rough "Town ad Country” ton SCREAMS BLOOD Y- MURDER, SERENA What? Don’ tll me ponchos are bac in. ELLE jerks to tention, olds up de magi. ELLE No, worse! Is Warmer’ brother ~ Peyton Huntington he Fourth and his brie! Pltures from his wedding! LOOK! [MARGOT and SERENA inspec th photo and collectindy CRINGE, SERENA ord) Muffy Vanderbilt MARGOT, SERENA & PILAR, Mult ELLE Wit asec! That's the kind of girl Warner wants! Someone serious, someone lawyer, someone who wears black even when nobody's dead. Gils, Ihave a completely brian plan. ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR ELLE WHAT YOU WANT SME, BUT YOU NEED TOSEE ME INA BRAND NEW DOMAIN, WELLIT'S PLAIN, WARNER, IN ADIFFRENTSETTING, YOU WILL SEE YOU'RE GETTING ‘ALL OF THIS BLUS A RAIN! LLMEET YOU THERE AT HARVARO WITH BOOK IN BAY HAND, Bic stuRDy 800K. Bic WoRDY BOOK, FULLOF WORDS IL UNDERSTAND, AND RIGHT THERE Is WHERE YOU'LL SEE IT T00: WARNER, WHAT YOU WANTS RIGHT IN FRONT OF You! ELLE MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR WHAT You WANT ISRIGHTIN FRONT OF YCU, FRONT OF You Irs ciear RIGHT HERE, 50 IGET IN THERE Too. WHAT YoUWANT WHAT YoU WANT IS RIGHTIN FRONT OF YOU, FRONTOF YOU WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YoU WANT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YoU. =e Lecaucy Bower (ELLE) cHorus [MAKE WARNER REASSESS: IMPRESS HIN WITH AY HIGH 10. STEP THREE? WE THROW A GREAT BIG WEDDING, AND INVITE ALL DELTA NU! AND INVITE ALL DELTA NU! | KATE THATSGREAT, SICEPLAN f NoW ean We i Ts THROUGH? i Mest KATE, Dl's csc, Harvard Law Shel? i ELLE Ihavea 40averge KATE ‘Yeh in asin etcanding Wit males you thnk you can dois? ELLE Fi DOING THS FORLOVE. AND LOVE Wi ser THROUGH, {es wm Loveow un aoe [ND HARVARD CANT REFUSE ‘ALOVvEsO PURE AND THUE DONT LAWYERS FEE. LOVE 700? KATE EVEN IF HEY 00, Win YOU WANT, SWEETHEART, | ISN EASY THING IF YOURE coING ToSwING | nut wmece your SENIOR SPRING Yeas. rs TRUE AST YOULL NEED AN LSAT SCORE OF NORE THAN ONESEVENTY FOUR, Lecarey Browoe ere (KATE) SO.NO MORE PARTIES FOR YOU ‘YOU'LLNEED A KILLER ESSAY, (OR DO NOT EVEN Hore, ‘AND GLOWING LETTERS FROM YOUR BETTERS— ANY CHANCE YOU KNOW THE Pope? ELLE KATE 0. nope TOO BAD, ‘CAUSE THAT WOULD BE A COUP, INFRONT OF You! GIRLS WHAT YoUWaNT! Yestnow KATE & GIRLS WHat YouwaNT) EVENSO, WHAT YoU WANT IS RIGHTIN FRONT OF YOU, IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF You, FRONT OF YOU! FRONT OF YOU! WHat You WANT MARGOT IRL, you cor iris WHat You want KATE NO, REALLY: G0, rats 15 RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YoU, ELLE’s MOM and DAD enter, ELLE’S DAD Law Schoo ELLE Yes, Daddy, Law school ELLE’S DAD Good god. why? Law scl sor boring ugly, serious people, And you, Button, enone of thor thing EY, YOUJUSTSAY THE WORD — BUT WHAT YOU WANTS ABSURD, AND COSTS A WHOLE LOT OF SWAG AND HELL WHY? BUTTON, | ‘WHEN YOU CAN STAY RIGHT HERE PURSUE A FLA CAREERY ELLE'S MOM | HOW BOUT A NICE BIRKIN BAG? ELLE’S DAD ‘YES, THE EAST COAST IS FOREIN: ‘THERE'SNO FILMSTUDIOS {PSCOLD AND DARK, ELLE'S DAD, ELLE'S MOM. [ALL THE GIRLS HAVE DIFFRENT NOSES— ‘TELL ME WHATS OUT THERE THAT YOU ‘TELL ME WHATS OUT THERETHAT YOU. | CANTGET RIGHT HERE? (CANTGET RIGHT HERE? | ELLE ELLE’S DAD & MOM. uvs, cove: . PMGOING THERE FOR LOVE! Mom. pap “ALOVETHAVETO WIN, (Comprending) ELLE'S DAD & MOM ] Ai aM AH A AE 1 CAN LIVE WITHOUT SUN AND VALEE CASS UST ALK AWAY = SETRAY WHAT MIG HAVE BEEN ELLE'S DAD. FINE OA, FLL PAY YOUR WAY IF YOU GETIN ELLE'S MOM & DAD cHoRus \wHar you want MAKE THE GRADE wear You waNn ANDITS Pa. IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YoU, ISRIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, FRONTOF YOU.! FRONT OF YoU.! ‘A des with Boks appers. KATE stars stot and ELLE sits and tls practice lest as MARGOT and the gorgeous co-eds dance and party MARGOT Hey, everybody: It's the Spring Fling Boer Bash Extreme! FRAT BOYS RUNNING BY EXTREME KATE Notfor you. You can either party or you can get nto Harvard Law. Time to study! o, MARGOT ‘This year’s theme? Jamaican Me Crazy! POSER FRAT BOY GRANDMASTER CHAD lena porty of gorgeous SoCal its and boys. chorus GRANDMASTER CHAD WHAT U WANT YOU WANNA BE OUT BECAUSE THESUN SHE WARM? War U WANT, YOU WANNA BE STUDY STUCK INSID= YA DORM? WHAT U WANT, ‘YOU WANNA BE PARTY WITH US ALLNIGHT LONG? WHATUWANT? KATE ATE gras Ele te. - a0 - Lecattr Browe KATE 134, Not good enough, Try again KATE & GRANDMASTER CHAD. eal GRANDMASTER CHAD YOU WANNA BE-GROOVINY RUMPIY'SHAKEDA ROOM? WaT u WANT, | YOU WANNA BEPROVIT SUMIKY, AND TA WHOM? WHAT U WANT, | ‘YOU WANNA BE WOND'RIN’ WHERE YA YOUTIIS ONE? ‘YOU WANNA HOLD ON ELLE ALL | Hoon kate 15, Stil not Harvard materi. Once again KATE & GRANDMASTER CHAD. Got GRANDMASTER CHAD ELLE ‘YOU WANNA BE BREATHIN' INTHE HEALTHY AIR? FM DOING THISFOR LOVE, ‘YOU WANNA BE CHASIN’ HIM AND HE DON’ CARE? AND THATS HOW FLL SURVIVE. WHATU WANT, (handing esto KATE) EES YOU WANNA IGNORE THE PITY IN THEIR LOOKS? HERE YOU.6O. El (We GRANDMASTER CHAD) | ware wanr, sai wo ‘YOU WANNA SAY “SORRY, GOTTA HIT ME BOOKS.." Eon WHAT U WANT, YOU WANNA BE SITTIN’ LIKE A LONELY CHILD? RIGHT HERE IS WHERE T'LLSTAY {YOU WANNA BE DRIVIN’ ALLTHE FELLASWILD? UNTIL THAT HAPPY Dav. Lester Biow (GRANDMASTER CHAD) WHATU WANT, YOU WANNA BE FEELIN’ GOOD TO BE ALIVE..? (ete) THAT DAY IHEAR THEN Say, KATE holds up en envelope containing ELLE les. 1 a enelpecotning KATE ONESEVENTY Five: GIRLS & Boys ONE SEVENTY Five! ELLE ONE SEVENTY FIVE? ALL ONE SEVENTY Fiver ONE SEVENTY Fiver GIRLS squet and hg a MUSIC becomes COLLEGIATE ww goto the ADMISSIONS OFFICE of HARVARD LAW SCHOOL. Tocety Haron assons offers ppen. WINTHROP So gentlemen, Harvard Law grants scceplance to Adam Cohen and Sundeep Padamacan LOWELL Outstanding. WINTHROP ‘And now "Me. Ele Woods (onus) who wa kind enough to sendin. headshot WINTHROP puts out Ele’ picture Lowett ‘Shs applying WINTHROP PFORZHEIMER I says here she bas a 4.0 average WINTHROP Yes in fson merchandising, LOWELL. and she got 175 on her SATS. PFORZHEIMER “Ther’salzo the letter of recommendation from Oprah Wife. WINTHROP "Ym notarguing Ms, Woods is entirely unqualified, but look at hee! Is THIS the face of Harvard Law? (rests he photo of ELLE) Pforshomier end Lowa drool and sie LOWELL Multicast WINTHROP Exeuseme? LOWELL ‘We could admit her! For reasons of... PFORZHEIMER _Molticloraism! LOWELL Exact WINTHROP Gentlemen, get hold of yourselves! This Is Harvard Lave not (aking quot signs) “Match dotcom”... but how about that. What ashame. She cid bother sending in personal essay. ‘use, PILAR burst ita the room wi the cher eon PILAR ost fra personal essay? CHORUS Lowett WHat you WANT! ‘GOODNESS ME! WHAT YoU WANT! WINTHROP WHAT YOU WANT IS RIGHT IN — Wo ARE YOu" ELLE LEM WHAT YOU WANT, HARVARD, IM THEGIRL FOR YOU! ALL AND TO PROVE ITS TRUE? ELLE (WE ALL LEW HERE ON JET BLUE! cHorus (Goa et Blue Pilot wo enters ith then) JET BLUE PILOT (cintng) THANK 10u, ELLE cHorus THs Is WHAT ELLE WOODS INSPIRES: EVRYONE ADMIRES HER 50 WHADDAYASAY, SOWHADDAYASAY. | WINTHROP | ‘This isnota personal say! ELLE cHorus NOPE! AN ESSAY'S $0 BORING, [NOPEI AN ESSAYS SO BORING, ‘AND/SO MUCH DOES NOT FT {AND SO MUCH DOES NOT FT 50 WERE APPEARING, LIVE, RIGHT HERE! SOWERE APPEARING, LIVE, RIGHT HERE! MAKING CLEAR, YOU MUST ADMIT, MAKING CLEAR, YOU MUST ADMIT, THAT ELLE WOODS ‘THAT ELLE wooDs SHOULD JOIN THE CHOSEN FEW SHOULD JOIN THE CHOSEN FEW HARVARD, WHAT YOU W HARVARD, WHAT YOU WANT IsRiGHT Isricur IN FRONTOF..1 INFRONT OF. MARCHING BAND DRUM BREAKDOWN asthe UCLA Baden Cher Team go into ther DANCE BREAK. SERENA ‘And now some legal go. ELLE aster at TIME FOR MY GROSS (ELLE) towecr: MAY APPROACH? chorus ‘on, YEAH ‘The DANCE BREAK buds oe huge ish | WINTHROP. (aking contrat) [Now SEE HERE, Ms. Woods! ‘The NUMBER comes ta crashing al ‘You cant ust barge in here with singing and dancing and. thnic movement “This ie avery ashy presentation but! stll dont see ang wasn to ait you ELLE HOW ABOUT. ‘YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? “CAUSE IF YOU HAVE, YOU'LL KNOW THAT LOVENEVER ACCEPTS A DEFEAT. [NO CHALLENGE I CANT MEET, INO FLACE IT CANNOT GO. DONTSAY NOTO A WOMAN IN LOVE! ELLE chorus (DON'T LAUGH WHEN ISAY LOVE (©000H DON'T THINK THATIM NAIVE, ‘©0004 [BECAUSE EVEN A PERSON WHO'SSMART, ‘000 (CAN LISTEN TO THEIR HEART; ‘0001 (CAN LISTEN AND BELIEVE, ‘0000 0 BELIEVE IN WHAT LOVECAN ACHIEVE! ARAAH 0 YOU BELIEVE? PFORZHEIMER DO YOU BELIEVE? Ponrert ADMISSIONS GUYS & BACKUP YES WE BELIEVE, IN LOVE (to Wintirop How ‘sour youn WINTHROP (shrugs, curated) Welcome to Harvard PILAR, MARGOT, SERENA cHorus ‘WHat YoU WANT Now WE'RESET waar You want Lerscocer {PS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! ITS FIGHT IN FRONT OF YoU! FRONT OF YOU! FRONT OF YOU! NOW WERE DONE war You want wire stEP Owe: {T'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! ATS HHT 1N FRONT OF Your FRONT OF YOU! FRONT OF YOU! ALL waar You want ‘WHAT YOUWANT! waar you want waar you want! {As the st changes ram the adnisions ofc to Herard Yar, we ear a FIGHT SONG FANFARE. EMMETT ents witha group offre. yar lw students (cluding AARON, ENID, PADAMADAN) EMMETT Hil, I'm Emmet Forrest. Class of aught seven. Represent Welcome to the ullowed alls of Harvard Law know fsthand how hard you've ll worked to be hore today, so le’ go aroun and share abit about youreelves, AARON Aaron Schulte WON A FULBRIGHT AND A RHODES, | WRITE FINANCIAL SOFTWARE CODES, BUT THATS A CHALLENGE VE OUTGROWN— HOW MANY YACHTS CAN ONE MAN OWN? SOME SAY THAT IM A POMPOUS CREEP, SOMEHOW I DON'T LOSE THAT MUCH SLEEP WHY BOTHER WITH FALSE MODESTY? HARVARD'S THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ME ‘AARON saul straights histo hey ing EMMETT & STUDENTS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, (6000 TO KNOW. EMMETT WELCOME TO HARVARD, PADAMADAN ENID PADAMADAN Sundeep Agraval Padamnadan But you may cll me "Your Majesty." Iv MY COUNTRY My WORD WAS LAW BECAUSE OF STUPID COUP DETAT BUT HERE, I LEARN, TIMAKE NEW FRIENDS. AND SOON, RETURN IN BULLETPROOF MERCEDES BENZ EMMETT & STUDENTS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE. 6000 TO KNOW, EMMETT WELCOME TO H ENID Enid Hoopes. "DID THE PEACE CORPS OVERSEAS, INOCULATING REFUGEES IN FAMILY CLINICS THAT | BUILT MYSELF FROM MUD AND TREES {FOUGHT TO CLEAN UP THEIR LAGOONS [AND SAVE THEIR RARE ENDANGERED LOONS THEN LED APROTEST MARCH AGAINST INSENSITIVE CARTOONS. EMMETT & STUDENTS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE. ENID (eps sing) BUT NOW I' ON THE LEGAL TRACK, ELLE WOODS sunily eters Harard Yard walking Bruiser on a bejcueled lash. ‘She approaces the group sto near Enid BECAUSE Tis COUNTRY’S OUT OF WHACK, AND ONLY VOMYN HAVE THE GUTS T0.GO AND TAKE 1T BACK. WELL MAKE THE GOVERNMENT COME CLEAN, AND GET MORE PEOPLE VOTING GREEN, AND REALLY STICK ITTO THE PHALLOCENTRIC WAR MACHINE, ELLE ove your top I's 40 fatigue chic. So how pryched ace you guys? Snaps, our fist day at Harvard Lave Sten, Hi. Ele Woods. And te is Bruiser Woods ENID Gerudgingy) Enid ELLE ‘Oh my god, we both have rames tht start with an E eNID (src On my god wee ike praca tv! Otter STUDENTS sir. EMMETT (coming te race) | ore jut going around the cele. ssomshing abou! yu | ELLE Ne? Otay, Sot'ma Genin with doe Carico moon dT hav Bachelor { dere fom UCLA wher wa Sig Ep Sweetenrt prsdent of Dela Nu Sooty fan founded the cary Shop fora Case. | EMMETT i | Cenourgingy, gt seen ok) uh OO! And jut st wek at red Segal, tala Beyonce out of uying arly Iino bei tbe top. Whoever td tangerine ene pn easy dtu EMMETT 1a not know hat Stone, aod see ELLE “Anyone know where I ean ind Criminal Law 10 with Profesor Callahan? And | ‘Warner Huntington I? EMMETT ‘Wl, we're all heading ther, som sue someone would be hippy to But the STUDENTS hae goten up quickly and lf EMMETT show you? (he sighs nd points the ny) sin Hauser. Over ther, second building on the ff ELLE ‘Thanks EMMETT wales os ELLE ples up Bru Licacer Bronar a EMMETT, But I don't thnk dogs are exactly allowed in lass. ELLE (ome bt) (Oh, Bruser’s nota dog, Buber amy. ust drop hum ot at my room. He'd bbehappier there anyway: Bruiser loves Ge. Ise you later then As ELLE erly STUDENTS RETURN, singing a they etn lite o recive thir fla from EMMETT. WARNER and VIVIENNE ene he ie AARON PADAMADAN ENID WARNER, WON A FULBRIGHT VIVIENNE & AND A RHODES. ALL STUDENTS WRITE FINANCIAL, ey SOFTWARE CODES, counrey | way eorier wire MY WORD 1 DIDTHE PEACE CORPS OVERSEAS FALSE MODESTY WASLAW. INOCULATING REFUGEES Is HARVARD EARVARDSTHEVERFECT BUT THEN FAMILY CLINICS THAT BUILT ‘Tie PERFECT | RACE FORME. HAE MSELFFROM MUD ANDTREES PLACE FORME WARNER, VIVIENNE, ALL STUDENTS HARVARD'S THE PERFECT ELLE reeterst the end ofthe ie and spots WARNER a he rot ELLE wores trough he singing students trench hin, STUDENTS FLLE ABLABLAHLARLAHLAH Excuse Me. ABABA -ARARAM Pardon Me, Coming through HARVARD'S THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ME STUDENTS PRETTY IMPRESGVE. GOOD TO KNOW. WELCOME TO HARVARD. WARNER nue eu Him? Oh. gd, Ware! Tha's so wee tl forgot you go here WARNER Vat are you doing ae? rue Igoe j WARNER You gotint Hara? eLue Wha? tke Wshad? | EMMETT hin ss yours eatin) ‘Woods comms El i euLe teh my sei agent EMMETT No youraedemi ror rte | igh The’ tha i (e WARNER) | Lats total cath up after ds. EMMETT i Whose? | WARNER i| My exgiiend ELE lt tee sat it te font } VIVIENNE KENSINGTON ses er. Ifanone eer perso the steal | Brot Brey Mac fs VIVIENNE ViviENNE Ala pink yout wearing. that ten ga? ELLE Pink's my signature color VIVIENNE Sol gathered EMMETT Everyone take your seats. Callahan should be her any second. EVERY STUDENT BUT ELLE opent up a laptop computer. EMMETT watches ELLE, apples, pl out her pink fuzzy pen and pa EMMETT Thee years ago Iwas siting right where you'e sting and heard the same rumors sure you've heard foo, Callahan's ruthless, he bates in the blood of sheep, bahblahbsh, Only party tre, What you really need toknov i= EMMETT fst as CALLAHAN enters, CALLAHAN youhave th righ to remain silent. Anything you say will bused agaist you (ely LNOW WHEN YOU CHOOSE A LAW CAREER, THE MOMENT YOU EMBARK; ‘THERE IS THAT JOKE YOU'RE BOUND TO HEAR: “A LAWYER 18 A SHARK IGNORE THAT. IF'SSIMPLISTIC AND ITS DUMB, (ONLY SOME OF YOU WILL TURN OUT SHARKS, JUST SOME. (Me snes) THE REST... ARE CHUM, our Tonics BLOOD IN THE WATER, KrDs, 175 TMM YOU FACED: LAWSCHOOL IS a WASTE — (OH YES. UNLESS YOU ACQUIRE A TASTE FOR BLOOD IN THE WATER, DARK AND RED AND RAW, YOURE NOTHING UNTIL THE THRILLOF THE KILL Mr.Schults, hypothe Denker acused of Fad, 1 question: Would you be wilingto defend the following |AKIND OLD GRANDMA TOOK HER SAVINGS AND SHE SENT COFFTO YOUR CLIENT. ALL SHE SAVED SNCE HE WAS BORN. \WELL He PROMISED TO INVEST BUT HESPENT (ON PROSTITUTES. AND HEROWN. AND PORN AARON No wouldt want tae tht ae i CALLAHAN | \WRONGITHS ONE I A WIN, UNLESS YOURELAZY. | GRANDMA'S BROKE! SHE'LL HAVE SOME HACK FROM LEGAL AID | UTHER ON THESTAND AND CALL HER OLD AND CHAZ i ‘YOUR GUY GOES FREE, AND HE CAN GET YOU HIGH ANDLADD. Look FoR THE L000 IN THE WATER [READ YOUR THOMAS HOBBES: ONLY SPINELESS SNONS ‘WILL QUARREL WTH THE MORALLY DUBIOUS }08S wir 1.000 is THE WATER, ‘YOUR SCRUPLES ARE A FLAW | (pats, 1 EMID -Ms.Hoopes another hypothetical would you be therght Iswye forthe flowing sien? ' (sigs } SAY THEY OFFER YOU A BUNDLE FOR DEFENDING [A FAMOUS HIT MAN FOR THE MAFIA ELITE SEEMS HE MISSED HIS CHOSEN PREY. [RUNNING OVER THREE CUTE PUPOIES INTHE STREET ENID ‘What you think would defend bin ust becuse he's typi mae? CALLAHAN (ucts indigent (Oh you lesbians ink you're x tough ENID ie pple with rage sh can't pen, Clas stun OH DEAR. I FEAR MY COMMENT HAS OFFENDED, HARD TO ARGUE, THOUGH, WHEN YOU'RE TOO MAD TO SPEAK. Lecatty Beonoe (CALLAHAN) YOUR EMPLOYMENT WILL BE VERY QUICKLY ENDED (ONCE THEY SEE HOW YOUR EMOTIONS MAKE YOU WEAK SOWHATSMY POINT? 1 RUN A BILION-DOLLAR LAW FIRM, AND I IRE FOUR NEW INTERNS EVRY YEAR, FROM THIS CLASS WILL SELECT ‘AND THOSE FOUR WILL HAVE A GUARANTEED CAREER. DO vou FOLLOW ME? SOL WANNASEE, .WHAT? class (neroouly) BLOOD IN THE WATER? CALLAHAN STUDENTS exactuy, LET THE GAMES BEGIN, sa FOUR OF YOU WILL WIN, MM BUT JUST THOSE FOUR 00...00, WITH A DORSAL FIN, 0.00, ‘YES BLOOD IN THE WATER YES! BLOOD IN THE WATER SO BITE ANDSCRATCH AND ‘AM AH AH AH AH AH caw. aH (CALLAHAN notices ELLE in the front rw, anoing her hand CALLAHAN (loci tte fon row) Yes. Me.2 ELLE righty) Woods, Ele Woods CALLAHAN. Someone's had thet moming coffe. Would you summarize the case of State of Indlane v. Here fom your reading, please ELLE (Oh, wanted to answer the puppy question CALLAHAN ‘but 'm skng you about the asigned reading ELLE (kay, who assigns reading forthe frst day of lass? Sone ofthe cls laugh, but ost finch CALLAHAN turns soy. CALLAHAN ‘You have guts, Ms, Woods. (To VIVIENNE) Ms. Kessngton. LET US SAY YOU TEACH A CLASS AT HARVARD LAW SCHOOL — ‘APOSITION THAT YOU'RE JUSTLY PROUD ABOUT. BUT AGGIRLON WHOM YOU CAUL HASN'T READ THE CASE AT ALL VIVIENNE No. FD THROW HER OUT. (Class gps. CALLAHAN smiles ond tors fo ELLE CALLAHAN STUDENTS YOU HEARD YOUR CLASSMATE con, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN KILLED 0H SHE CUT YOUR THROAT, YES, YOU'VE GOT GUTS, (00H..008. BUT NOW THEY'RE SPILLED! BUT NOW THEY'RE SPILLED! ‘YOUR. .8L200'S IN THE WATER ‘YOUR. BLOOD'S IN THE WATER, 50 WOULD YOU PLEASE HAHAHA WITHDRAW? HAHAHAHA! AND IF YOU RETURN, {BE READY TOLEARN, [ORIS THAT UNFAIR? [OH WAIT:1 DONT CARE! {THAT'S JUST HOW I RULE. oor IN UE ASINSCHOOL, WWITHLTEAR AND SHOCK AND AWE! (00H AH AHL AWE! YOURE NOTHING UNTIL BLOOD IN THE WATER THE THRILLOF THE KILL (CALLAHAN) BECOMES YOUR ONLY Law YOURONLY LAW Leeatey Beowoe (STUDENTS) BLOOD IN THE WATER BLOOD IN THE WATER BLOOD IN THE WATER BLOOD IN THE WATER BLOOD IN THE WATER ACT ONE, SCENE SIX ELLE scout ofclos, rls nto te day sted EMMETT les as, une aft er EMMETT Hey, Woode comma Ele Listen, Iwas kicked out of class once fist yea, too. Is afl but rust me: your law eater is NOT over. ELLE | Law eer? Sonotthe problem, Liste, ned fo get backinto cl wih Ware Ganyoubelp met \ VIVIENNE was otf te assem, rere EMMETT \ ep | ‘Yeah... come back tomorrow and make sure you've done your reading. ELLE Otay (ss Vso). q case me but why would you do tht io noe gi? iq VIVIENNE Do what? FLLE ‘We girls ave tostick together, We should try to look good by making each other i Took be. VIVIENNE, 1 didnt make you ook bd, you ust werent prepared. Tey opening lew book. But should warn you. They dont come with pictures. EMMETT 1 Sor give you ade moment then. EMMETT creeps back in class, | VIVIENNE ‘Are thee gl going wild somewhere without you? WARNER ext is. | WARNER Hey! = Warnet Thar god you're here ELLE goes op toa snned WARNER. WARNER Elem sory ~ ELLE Sony sbout what? VIVIENNE, ‘Warner, here something you'd like to share with Ele? ELLE Do you krow her? WARNER Yeah... Elle, Vivien a I went to boarding school together... and she’ my sifiend now. ELLE rm sony. just hllucinaed. What did you say? VIVIENNE Hesad Lm is giltiend LIGHTS CHANGE and GREEK CHORUS enters. As VIVIENNE and WARNER (fis ELLE CGIRLERIENDaI tiki A TT GREEK CHORUS (Gentil minor chor not) AAAAHEIH! ELLE Margot Serens Pia. Gil whats going on? SERENA Honey, this isa tage and every tragedy neds a Greek Chores. GREEK CHORUS Greek Chorus! ‘ MARGOT Ele, we're hare te help SERENA But wee not actually here hee. We're just in your ead SERENA HONEY, wiisT YoU cRvIN AT? YOU'RE NOTLOSING HIM TO THA {OTH HER HAIR AND SHOES ARE FLAT | AND WHY ISSHE 0 RUDE? MaRcor | WIPE YOUR TEARS: IT'S NO BIC THING! YOU WERE MEANT TO WEAR HIS RING. ‘CHEER UP CHIN UPI IFS TIME TO BRING MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR |AHApPY ATTITUDE! ALL GREEK CHORUS | MARGOT ALL GREEK CHORUS Keep mr POsmive! SERENA |AS YOU PULL HER HAIR AND CALL HER "WHORE" PILAR YOU CAN TAKE HER IN A FIGHT! MARGOT MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR ALL GREEK CHORUS WERE POSITIVE | (chef ait) ILL HER! Hither Take her out Esther heart! Yay revenge! Ee ELLE GIRLS GIRLS. WHATIFSHES A VIOLENT NUT? SHE MIGHT STABME IN THE GUT, (WITH THESTICK THAT'S UP HER BUTT. WHO'SGOT A PLAN B? PILAR ME: LOOK AT HER: SHE'S LIKE A NUN. SHOW HIM YOU ARE WAY MORE FUM! BUST OUT THE LAP DANCE AND YOU'VE WON! ELLE wnat ALL GREEK CHORUS KEEP iT posmve! MARGOT | ‘YEAHH RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND DANCE ALL GREEK CHORUS eEP rposmves PILAR MISS FANCY PANTS WON'TSTAND ACHANCE! SERENA MARGOT ‘YOU AND HE WILL REUNITE! MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR YOU KNOW WERE RIGHT! GREEK CHORUS ELLE COmigod, you're making me ack VIVIENNE, Really? Are we? Warmer, let's tke this bck tomy pace ALL GREEK CHORUS | AAAI HEY HEY! HEY: (ond i's ior ban) se pesmves THAT HELOvES YoU AND MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR | NarHeR MaRcot youre | MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR naxren PILAR avo aercnva. MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR | sMas-TER 1 MARGOT “SHE DON'T KNOW THE BEAL HIM. PILAR QU FEEL HIM SERENA SODON'T LET HER ALL GREEK CHORUS z STEALHIM® MARGOT WAKE HIM UP LIKE MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR SLEEPING BEAUTY, SERENA TURN HIS HEAD WITH YOUR MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR RED HOT BOOTY (MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR) WELL BRING THE NOISE IF YOU BRING THE FUNK, PILAR 1's posmvety Tame TO MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR SHAKE YOUR JUNK. ALL GREEK CHORUS SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE SIIAKESHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE WHOO! Dance brea. WARNER and VIVIENNE leave ELLE Girls! Hows his helping? He's not even HERE. He LEFT! While we were shaking Junk Wait ELLE ALL GREEK CHORUS ctRes, rt Fostrive | THaT WE'VE TAKEN THIS T00 FAR | Nor ratrosirive: | tus s HaRvaao Nor a srarrPen Bare ALL THIS TRASHY CARRYING ON? THAT'S THE REASON THAT HE'S GONE? INEED ASALON? YAYISALON! ciRusi rosmive POSITIVE AND TRY NOTTO GET UPseT — SUTIN POSITIVE Positive THAT ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO BRUNETTE: ALL GREEK CHORUS ELLE BEING BLONDE AND BEING HOT? MARGOT, PILAR FLUE THAT GOT ME EXACTLY SQUAT. SERENA ELLE COTTA SHOW HIM I GOTMORE TO GIVE! ALL GREEK CHORUS WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! ELLE ALL GREEK CHORUS. Norm rosmive: you rosiriver Fea FosiTiVe! youre Posriver YOURE Postriver REALLY POSTIVE PostTIves Leeatay aeonoe ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN ELLE sits inthe sn hr at the Hair Afr, ightly rur-doun son, PAULETTE Hey there! Welcome tothe Hai Afar. You're with Paulette 50 you're in good hands. I'm sorta ke Allstate but for hai. ELLE Make me a brunette, PAULETTE What? Brunette? Honey (gestures ther i) You're a genetic ltt win! Aleight, something else i goin’ on here. Back up. Paulette’ listenin. pil ELLE (Okay. m Elle Woods and came all the way out fr Harvard Lave Schoo! — | PAULETTE That's good schoo | ELLE now, right” And, id itto fellow my one true love Ware out here and now he's (erasing) he's dating this evi prepie PAULETTE So what's she got that you don't got? Thre tits? ELLE She's (sir uote) PAULETTE Seriously, she have thee tis? ELLE "No, she's a constipated poloshirt witha mousy brown bob. Apparently that's what Wormer wants. So, you have to make mea brunet, PAULETTE ‘Whos, whoa, whoa, Do you know the number one reason behind all Bad Hair Decisions? | PAULETTE. (sing YOURE LOST WITHOUT YOUR LOVE. YOUR HEART ON THE FLOOR. | {CAN HELP YOU, IBEEN THERE BEFORE WHEN { NEED TO RELAX, LUST FUT ON SOME TRACKS | FROM THIS CD I BOUGHT FOR THE STORE. PAULETTE starts he CD player. New Agey Irish musi | Isnt that relaxing? Its called “Celie Moods” (sings) i SEE MY MOM WAS THREE QUARTERS ITALIAN, |AND MY FATHER. NEVER KNEW, BUT MY GRANDFATHER CAME FROM. IRELAND. i | ‘THE LAND WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE. ELLE | (dubious) Ireland PAULETTE (confide) Ireland! HE SAID ALL IRIGH MEN ARE LIKE HEROES. ‘THEY RE DESCENDED FROM POETS AND KINGS SO1SWORETD GET MARRIED IN IRELAND, INA WEDDING LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS, AND MY REDHEADED GROOM I CANSSEE “1 [AS WE STROLL PAST THE CHURCHES AND FAR, HES ASAILOR NAMED .."BRENDAN"I..OR "LIAM HE CAN DANCE WITHOUT HOVIN' HIS ARMS. [NA BAR ONCE I MET THIS GUY DEWEY (PAULETTE) AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS FROM IRELAND. [AND LIVED WITH HIM TEN YEARS, [AND THE WEDDING? HE KEPT ON POSTPONING, STILL I FOLLOWED HIM ROUND, IN A FOG, MY GRANDFATHER SHOULD.A JUST SHUT IT! EVRY STORY HE TOLD ME STEERED ME WRONG. [UT HEY: YOUSHOULD NOT GIVE UP ON IRELAND: JUST BE CAREFUL YOU DONT GET PLAYED. AND DON'T DRINK “TIL YOU'RE TEARING YOUR TOF OFF, [AND YOU FLASH THE ST PATRICK'S DAY PARADE SEE A SMART GIRL LIKE YOU HAS A FUTURE, ‘YOU HAVE HOPE AS EACH NEW DAY DAWNS, | 'SEND MY LOVE TO THE LEPRECHAUNS, PAULETTE coll into ELLE’ PAULETTE uweps, ELLE comforts her PAULETTE grabs frame picture fro her statin Sod, fs days ike today I miss my dog Rufus the most. He's my angel ELLE looks the photo. See? IV's our annual glamour shot, We're litle silos, Beyond adorable, And no woman shoul be denied her dog. PAULETTE Tell me something | don't krow. PAULETTE pulls hers together os VIVIENNE and rend WHITNEY ene talking conga thomas VIVIENNE, So bring we lobster poteckers. WHITNEY Perec. I've got a case of chardonnay. Now that's part /VIENNE stops in her tacks when she ss ELLE. ELLE can lp but ork up and be hppa ot the mention of party ene top el ts “haesa pony? | ees Vie) Oh, Helo, Vivieme. VIVIENNE \ ot, Ee | wurrney | | looks to Vivierme, nervous) i Neat Fda ight few pol ae geting ogee | PAULETTE Hoy, maybe that guy you I'l be there, Ele! You should go! stay VIVIENNE kus who the gy in question i ad enraces this parton | VIVIENNE | Detaay come, aa cote pry ELLE } Hove costume paris! } VIVIENNE ] Cfcoureyou do. Not ry atcgh 299 Mase Ave Se you there ELLE | “Thanks, Vive vivenn and Whig et. PAULETTE (Oh you are $0 borrnin’ my coest weapon cashume I got in ctorage Ee. 1 at dst off the mothtalls and walt you see. Nove go and do this honey. ‘Cause if a gil ke you cant win back your man, there's no hope forthe eet of ws. “Thank you for taking me off the ledge, Paulette! You have no des how much f med this! ELLE exits to change PAULETTE Now you go and fight for him? (sings) THE IRISH FEAR NOTHING AND NO ONE! IM NOT SURE WHERE THIS METAPHOR'S GOIN {JUST FELT UKE IT HADTO BESAID. ‘YOU'GO OUT THERE AND YOU GET SOME IRELAND. THE COUNTRY OF WHISKEY AND LOVE! | Hous bens came ner te Ish sie, turning ito HARVARD PARTY MUSIC. -« Lecatty Browor | | | AGT ONE, SCENE EIGHT ‘A Harvard Law port. Visoune and Warner eter. VIVIENNE Whitney, dasting! WHITNEY proces) ‘Thank you for hosting this WHITNEY | My pleasure VIVIENNE | ‘Wie all neded break frm law school anxieties and worrying intemehip, \ VIVIENNE honds her abot of wine. | WHITNEY ‘Thank you, You can say that again. Please enjoy yourselves, mingle WHITNEY sods of he consummate hoses bout Callahan's VIVIENNE | You do know that Whitney's father i ext inline tbe the Speaker ofthe House? WARNER So you've si VIVIENNE Just thnk oft: Future presidents may be inthis very room, ur eset ''m going to track down Robert Coleman and convince him he must cn ou study [f0up. Apparently his summer house is three houses down fom Juste Souter, (VIVIENNE exis) WARNER Cit Fm goa go gt beet, | ELLE eerste pry dosed lo bunny. She sh ony on cst, Proce record scratch moment = Music stops Everyone isin, tanned Instr she elses she's been dpe wl Iyer atthe sight of her. ste ses VIVIENNE and fends galing One of the student ses. Lecauty Browoe a HARVARD STUDENT Whoa. Cheek out Miss Octobe. WHITNEY Oh my goa. ELLE old her hed high, suces for WARNER, She spots him nee th bar. His es Jus about pp ou of is het en he ses erin este, ELLE Hi stranger WARNER (Aspresitoniy) Ele! Mant, What's with the costume? ELLE Cant git shake things up? WARNER Yeah, but why could't you have worn ths when we were going out? ELLE Because I guess you never ask. WARNER Which wil now sank asthe greatest regret of my enti ie, (sites) {sill cant gt over the fat you're here at Harvard. Back at UCLA, Inver would've guessed it Sometimes I mis the old days WARNER THOSE PARTIES SENIOR YEAR. THOUGHT WE RULED THE WORLD, ELLE WARNER 1 WERE LIKE GODS BACK THEN! WALKING AMONG COMMON MEN. TELL ME WHY CAN'T IT BE THAT WAY AGAIN? ELLE : DREAMS DON'T JUST DISAPPEAR. WE COULD KEEP ON DREAMING THEM HERE WARNER var Uke stn YEAR. DUT BUNA \ YOU VEGoT YOUR FUTURE alt PeARNED | WARNER | vest 00, cuts 100, | a Hi| WARNER i ELLE IMAMERE-caUSE UNDERSTAND, | WARNER | NOTSURE UNDERSTAND Hue rate cause rt sehious WARNER tor : ELLE \ = | Wane dot age gino, Ando wt ee ge, WARNER ‘Whos, Walta second, Ele. You ge kicks out of cls, lie everyday. You dont ACTUALLY tative you haves chance of geting the internship? (ound) OF cours? WARNER Everyone in the cass wants it robody more than me, I's a guaranted cree. ‘You're practically partner before you have a job afer. VIVIENNE eppears VIVIENNE Ele. You're looking sully. Asuual, ELLE {)/ Hello, Vivienne. Thanks for your gest ip onthe “costume party.” taoe you came as Last Year's Sample Sse WARNER Pook 8 ~ Ele. You have to ace his course to get that internship and he's not called "© Minas Callahan” for nothing ELLE Warner, 'm completely cognizant of both those facts VIVIENNE, ‘You're not going to make it twaugh tho cemster, let alone get Cllshan’sintemship, VIVIENNE looks her bunny costume up and down, Even if you keep golng.- and guing... end ging.. hucles of anmasemert, ecryone i etching this exchange. Facet bunny: One ofthese things snot ike the other (gestures tothe cro) Someday, wel rominate Supreme Court juste... And youl. tan (Clete ‘cok fom the party.) Rn home, Elle, and change eu of your skank costume, ELLE takes «moment. ELLE (Oh is THAT what you se, Vivienne? How unfortunate, ELLE ses Enid ting herpes in her hand, une wpa sags Wem an ps ‘hem on Because Iam Gloria Steinem undercover circ 1963, researching for her feminist smanifesto‘1 Was a Playboy Burry’ Are you actually calling Gloria Steinem 3 SKANK? ENID'S furious, hea mad dg. ENID Who's calling Glria Steinem a skank? | FLLE (sins 0 Visenne) She et VIVIENIVE fates as ENID ant te crowd turns her. | ELLE marches ou... As she wl, giving into dep, she poses EMMETT and “bjt sit dan on a anc ewer | od ebony itd | Vion Ble harsup Ox? | nue emert rue PUT My FAITH IN LOVE, FOLLOWED WHERE IT LED. | “scuse me? | EMMETT Leveled you hee? ELLE TOMY PERSONAL CIRCLE OF HELL IT HAs NoT WORKED OUT WELL. 1 Wish THAT WERE DEAD, | ‘CAUSE INSTEAD OF A WEDDING AND LOVE, "PM FLUNING OUT OF SCHOOL [ATOTAL LAUGHICSTOCK, SOMEONE HE AND HIS FRIENDS CAWJUST.. MOCK! | 50, GO ON, HERE'S MY HEAD; } JUST HITT WITHA ROCK: | | EMMETT Wilt. Go back YOU CAME OUT HERE TO FOLLOW A MAN? HARVARD LAW WAS JUST PART OF THAT "PLAN"? [MAN WHAT RICH ROMANTIC PLANET ARE YOU FROM? ELLE Maibur EMMETT INSTEAD OF LYING OUTSIDE BY THE POOL, ‘YOU STALK SOME GUY TO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL? ‘THATS THE WERDEST REASON I — ELLE ‘WELL, WHY’ YOU COME? EMMETT Kay: [GREW UP INTHE ROXAURY SLUMS, \WITH My MOM AND A SERIES OF BUMS. (GUYS WHO SHOWED ME ALL THE WAYS A MAN CAN FAI GOT THROUGH LAW SCHOOL BY BUSTING MY ASS: WORKED TWO JOHS, IN ADDITION TO CLASS. | Aevghing) | {60 FORGIVE ME FOR NOT WEEPING AT YOUR TALE. | ELLE | Excuse me! just because you've got some kind of chip on your shoulder, EMMETT ‘You know what? That’ right THERE'S A CHIP ON My SHOULDER [AND ITS BIC AS A BOULDER WITH THE CHANCE IVE BEEN GIVEN, GOTTA BE DRIVEN AS HELL! MSO CLOSE CAN TASTE I, SOM NOT GONNA WASTEIT. ‘YEAH, THERES A CHIP ON MY SHOULDER ‘YOU NIGHT WANNA GET ONE AS WELL. ELLE Ym sory, but tha sounds highly negative EMMETT, Hey, om ust being honest. When you weren't born int piiloge you gotta work toece as hard, And want my sweateit back ELLE (herd it lrendy) aw school? iI EMMETT i have slept since 958 Seriously, hve dd you doi? EMMETT \WELL.IDONT GOTO PARTIES ALOT. NOT GOOD USE OF THE TIME THAT IVE OT. ‘CAN'T SPEND HOURS DOIN’ MY HAIRORSTAYN’ IN SHAPE I ELLE | ont pend tur UT KNOW IFLLALL BE WORTHWHILE i WHEN 1 WIN MY FIRST LUCRATIVE TRIAL | [AND BUY My MOM THAT GREAT BIG HOUSE OUT ON THE CAPE. | ELLE Thats soswest EMMETT No, THATS THE CHIPON MY SHOULDER | MUGGED MY MOM AND TOLD HER WIT THE CHANCE IVE BEEN GIVEN MCONNA BE DRIVEN AS HELL! THOUGH ICANT TAKE THE DAY OFF, JUST THINK OF THE PAYOFF. YOU NEED A CHIPON YOURSHOULOER LITTLE ASS WOODS, COMI, ELLE ELLE "just reed o prove to everyone that merous. EMMETT ‘What you nee i to ge to work, ELLE and EMMETT ren her dor rom, Ita shock of pink, EMMETT is amaze, ELLE heads othe coe ange ELLE (0.5.) “Make yourself at home! EMMETT Hello. ity EMMETT, bemused, takes Hs bisare surrounding EMMETT ses empty Re Bul cans litering herds, You drink lot of Red Bull, dont you? ELLE (0.8) In gives me energy! EMMETT So you can say up at tung? ELLE (0.5) What EMMETT {ssid studying! You do study, don't you? Wheve are those law books? ELLE (0.8) ‘They're under the— EMMETT Under the — ELLE (0.5) = pileot EMMETT ELLE ELLE lft apilof clothes of hor desing abe ~ theres thing wnderenth (genic confused) ‘Thy/te here somewhere EMMETT ‘YOU KNOW, THIS VANITY'S REAL PICTURESQUE, (CLEAR IT OFF AND FIND SOME ROOM FOR BOOKS INSTEAD. ELLE Hey, what ate you doing? m EMMETT (hoes up aise) omen | wreronnan | euncert | WEAR A HAT. S760 YOUR ME IMPROVING WHATS ISDE YOUR HEAD Cun pm ig | cunoun | purrrimstoRace | SELLITON Ena. LEAVE abHND. oun oun WHAT ARE YOU ANY? 3000 S0cEr aNcRY! OU MAY FIND HE =itP ON Your SHOULDER. ELLE EMMETT 04 me ROOM USF cor COLDER. | ELLE sew emMerr i ELLE | (ain wpesbiok) Founo Tm EMMETT DEEN READING I HARD, ICAN TELL As EMMETT opens the bok, GREEK CHORUS girl cross an ine poses fo the ‘Thrdsgiing Bre GREEK CHORUS GIRLS TIS A GIFT 0 BESIMPLE, TIS AGIFT To BE Fae, Mat MM MBE MB MM NM DMM MBE MINE MM NB ME ‘Back inthe dorm oon EMMETT sits patiolly witha aw bok as ELLE uses out the too. FLLE (Cating ou door) Bye, Wamer Have a great Thankgiving! Say hi o your Mom and Dad for me! And Grandma Boose! (ELLE turns bak to EMMETT) EMMETT (ith Ret Buy Whats this? My second? Or thet? Anyway Hove i! Define Malum prohibit. ELLE Malum probit is EMMETT (prompting) ‘Anactproibited by. ELLE Prohibited by lw Like jaywalking! Or chewing gum in Singapore, EMMETT “Therefore “Malum in ELLE ~ Isan action tha’ evil in itself! Assault murder, white shoes after Labor Dy. EMMETT berps here you going? ing as Brus jamps inthis bg) | ‘Home, of course. Thanksgiving break, remember? | EMMETT Interesting ELLE Wha? EMMETT | we, [PREDICT YOU WILL PROBABLY PASS. | ELLE (pumping fo) | EMMETT | [THE BOTTOM PERCENT OF YOUR CLASS. ELLE | waar? j EMMETT | If YOU'RE GOING FOR MEDIOCRE? YOU'VE DONE GREAT. ELLE THAT'SNOT FAIRY EMMETT LOOK, THEY LAUGHED AT ME LIKE THEYRE LAUGHING AT YOU. \WE CAN'T WIN IF WE DONT FOLLOW THROUGH, MIGHT I VENTURE YOUR VACATION °LANS CAN WaT? | ELLE wstratt) Why do you always have tobe igh? ELLE toes offer coat nd tur to work. Tine pases oth Christmas Bre GREEK CHORUS cross in cule HOLIDAY OUTEITS, pining se GREEK CHORUS GIRLS (GLOOO-RIA IN EXCELSIS DED. ELLE’ dorm rom, PAULETTE holds p a fashad ELLE (gelling ut the dor) Bye Werner! Marry Christmas! Enjoy Vail PAULETTE ay focus, He focus! The case of "Ressll Sullivan” ELLE ms to PAULETTE who hols fshcards ELLE ~ determined that Russell was legally the cil’ father even though he was just a sperm done. PAULETTE Goldstar. (stem, EMMETT enters the room bering a i. EMMETT Ho, ho, ha ELLE Emmet! This s my friend, Paulette EMMETT Hi PAULETTE Hey there, ‘They she hand, ten EMMETT gies gift lo ELLE, EMMETT Foryou, Not quite as good as going hme for Christmas, but ELLE “You are TOD set! Se opens te sift. EMMETT, 1’sa real tinesaver! fs shampoo and candiions in one! ELLE hori -Ananaangggehhkh ; PAULETTE / Halreare? Hove ths guy! Sol jst eave you two alone thes... Bye bye, PAULETTE exits. ELLE ‘Thank you. You ae so adorable to think of me They hug. WARNER passes by te open door, sees ELLE and eners. ELLE leaps ‘ay from EMMETT. i WARNER : le, Hey. Have you sen Viv? I've been looking everywhere for he. i ELLE Arita) Yeah \)| (ret) | mean ro. q WARNER Great, We're gona miss ur fight WARNER eit. EMMETT Um Ele ~ 7 1 DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED BEFORE, BUT EACH TIME WARNER WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, YOUR 1Q. GOES DOWN TO FORTY. MAYBE LESS. ELLE (ci staring fer WARNER) Ht EMMETT “THOUGH IFS HARDLY MY BUSINESS TOS, (COULD BE THE REAL THING IN YOUR Wa | JS THE VERY GUY YOURE TRYING TO IMPRESS? (Pause) ELLE GREEK CHORUS ur moment (Stow SMILING N SWEET BLOWING My CHANCE LET'S NOT CHASE HIM AWAY, LETS FACE HIM AND SAY “HEY, PUNK, LETS DANCE THIS CHIP ON my SHOULDER 00H OOH, MAKES ME SMARTER AND BOLDER. 0H NO MORE WHINING OR BLAMING, AH AH AM RE-CLAIMING MY PRIDE! CLAIMING My PRIDE! ‘GRAB THAT BOOK AND LET'S Do’ ANAK INSTEAD OF DOODLING HEARTS ALL OODLING HEARTS ALL NOW THERES A CHIP ON My SHOULDER LETS SEE HIM KNOCK I ASIDE ‘THROUGH THIS chip ow my sHouLpER: The GREEK CHORUS girl psn rot GREEK CHORUS SHOW EM THAT YOURE NO FOOL, DAUGHTER OF DELTA NU! GO BACK TO SCHOOL WITH A BIC CHIP ON YoUR SHOULDER: We are back in CALLAHAN'S CLASS, WARNER Mr. Latimer wasn’t staking, He wasclesly within height oak for visitation Rass! v, Svan CALLAHAN But Ruse was known to the mother. Latimer was an anonymous donot. WARNER Well yeah bur without Mf, Latimer’ sperm the child in question wouldn't exis, CALLAHAN Now you're thinking like a Insyer ELLE timily miss her hand ‘Yes, Ms, Woods? ELLE Mr Huntington makes an excelent point, but did thedefendant keep alg of every sperm emision made throughout his ifs? Her classmates snicker CALLAHAN Interesting, Why do you eek? Well unless the defendant attempted to contac every sexual encounter to ind fa ‘tal eetlted rom thote union, he has na parental sim over ths eld whatsoever Why nove, why this sperm? CALLAHAN see your point ELLE did by Mr: Huntington's standard all masturbatory emissions where the sperm ‘was clearly not seeking an egg coud be called eckles abandonment. CALLAHAN Ms, Woods, you ust wen your ea ELLE MARGOT, SERENA, PILAI (quiet) on Mv G00. WATT, HOLD ON, EMMETT WEIUST WON THE case? Site EMMErn ELLE GOT ALL UPIN WARNER'S FAC AARON GREEK CHORUS 1 AN STARTING TO LIKE THIS PLACE! ENID on ay coo. WARNER Hoty cRAP VIVIENNE on mycon. ALL onMys- CALLAHAN Ms. Woods, excellent work today. 1 assume you're applying for my internship. Do you havea resume? ELLE Ym one step ahead ofyou, ELLE whips outa pink rue. Here you go, and thars in advance for your consideration [As Se srides off CALLAHAN and EMMETT watch her, curious and ody amused ‘As Ele passes Warner are the ber law students she makes an excite sound of rump hey al regiter. CALLAHAN. (sme resume) Dear Gos its sented. 3 months ago I would have recycled this. Make sure to put | ten fie ie EMMETT (GUESS SHE GOT A CHIP ON HER SHOULDER MAYBESOME WISE MAN TOLD HER: WITHTHE CHANCE WE'VE BEEN GIVEN, WE GOTTA BE DRIVEN AS HELL" SHE WAS SOMETHING TO SEE THERE. FMJUSTHAPPY I COULD BE THERE— FARST BIG TEST AND SHE ACED I SHES SC CLOSE SHE CAN TASTE IT) SHE GOTTA CHIP ON HER SHOULDER (GUESS YOU NEVER CAN TELL WITH LITLE Miss WOODS COMA ELLE! THE GREFK CHORUS dcr on, snging with EMMETT a he see MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR GREEK CHORUS | COTTA CHIPON HER GOTTA CHP ON HER WOODS COMMA ELLE: | | sHouLDER | EMMETT | | GREEK CHORUS MARGOT, SERENA, PILAR i| 11 woopst | SHOULDER on wNooos COMMA ELLE Au ‘COMMA ELLE! ACT ONE, SCENE NINE ‘A DUMPY TRAILER has ape ‘o PAULETTE. . ELLE, with EMMETT by her side tars ELLE Paulette are you ready? PAULETTE 1 don't know, Ele, Dewey scares the crap outa me FLLE And thas okay. Channel hat fear and tell yours you area tong, independent ‘woman. You MUST be reunited with your dog, EMMETT ‘Anyone who bakes their dog a birthday cake deserves nothing les. PAULETTE (splays cate) 1115 shaped tke» bone ELLE ‘And that kind of devotion cant be ignoted. PAULETTE Ws not easy to find ogre chocolate substitutes PAULETTE POUNDS on the trier dor. Mec DEWEY. He sees PALILETTE, opens th door an ands nf dor rae. DEWEY Cap, not you agin! Poulet, get your fat ss ofa my property! PAULETTE 4 wanna ae my dog, Dewey! t gota right! bet you dit even kaow i's his bethday today DEWEY (ting, sings) les your birthday, i's your birthday... Well you cant see him. Jelly Gt | DEWEY tos the Boe Cae ‘est decision Lever made? ony Dewey. 1s the dor PAULETTE'S breaking dor PAULETTE {Can you belive Hive with that fr 10 yeas? Tha cheapskate never even got me a ving [EMMETT pulls ELLE aside, EMMETT Elle, thoy lve together for 10 years ~ Install, ELLE gets where bes going ELLE Ofcourse! Emmet, you're a geius! Enioldnel, ELLE knocks on the dor agin. DEWEY comes ot of the trae. DEWEY Nove what? ELLE Mrox Dewey, we are Ms, Beonafuont's legal team, DEWEY (weroous) Lawyers? ELLE (marginal meandering) 1 dont thikyou understand that the great Common eognlzes your 10-yesr relationship wth Ms, Buonofuont as a Common Law srartage which enitles ber to equitable division of propery DEWEY ELLE “Translation ELLE loos to PAULETTE: ELLE & PAULETTE ‘We're taking the dog! hing her wit iss, chic he eagerly the rater to Poe DEWEY Whatever. PAULETTE (Oh, Rufus my angel! ove you! Oh Ele I missed this face! This is the nicest thing snybody’s ever done for me, bar none ELLE loks ight a happy RUFUS, and something ELLE Warr - was THATLAW? 15 THIS THE POINT OF Law? PM FEELING KIND OF HIGH, EMMETT nso he. You okay? ELLE "THIS WHHY WE ALL STUDY AND SLOG: TOHELP THE UNDERDOG! s0WDeNTIEY AARON enters, ineruping AARON Hey, guys! Callahan gota big murder tra defending exercise queen Brake Wondham and needs extra help. He's posting his inteship today! Everyone caters, ect CALLAHAN Ladies and gentlemen, Ineed the best and the brightest Congrats to the choice few ‘And as forthe rest of you, welcome tothe male. Emmet, 'm making you my co-ounsel on the Wyndham tril, Prove youre here andthe term associate” svt fart EMMETT Yes, si CALLAHAN, ‘We start Monday, 900 a, sharp wll everyone's cre ty eh ma (CALLAHAN slps the Enters List 1 Make sure everyone dieses appropriately, ELLE ramet that's so great! I'm 2 proud of you ELLE and EMME 1 | ENID right in ELLE'S ee. VIVIENNE ‘Oh, Warmer! We got Callahan's internship! Wha VIVIENNE West the we planned i WARNER abe, hiss just the beginning, It's perfect. Make this the happiest day of my li. 1 Wwe NONE ves VIVIENNE kisses him, cep they Iu VIVIENNE examines her ing shines it | VIVIENNE (Oh, Warmer t's absolutely stunning Marry me2! VIVIENNE Yee Everyone congrats WARNER and VIVIENNE ot ELLE is clely destroyed | ELLE DBE PATIENT AND YOU WOULD LOVE ME AGAIN. ‘YOU'D COME TO RESPECT MY MIND, AND ATLAST YOU'D FIND | YOU COULD LOVE ME AGAIN, ANDI HAVE TURNED MY WHOLE WORLD UPSIDE DOWN { WATCHING YOU WALK AWAY ISLIKE A FATAL BLOW~ EMMETT taps heron the shoulder. (ELLE) waar? EMMETT pins to the lit WHOA, ELLE |S THATMY NAME UPON THAT UST? ¥ DOES SOMEONE KNOW THATI EXIST? ¥ 1S THIS A MISTAKE? AM LEVEN AWAKE? PINCH ME NOW AND MAKE SoRE, EMMETT (EMMETT pinches her) FLLE YES THATS afY NAME IN BLACK AND WHITE! ‘MAYBE 'M DOING SOMETHING RIGHT! WOW, 1 FEEL SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE! SORRY VE BEEN A PEST, BUT! GUESS my Best | WAS NOT WORKING WITH YoU. BLLE BUT LOOKS LIKE FOUND A CURE, AND 1S0L00K FORWARD TO ‘WorkiNG WrrH Your WARNER wHar WORKIN WITH wo? "HEY REMEMBER WHEN WE SPENT SPRING BREAK INTHE HOT TUS EVRY NicHT? STUDENTS EVey star WE SAID NOTHING ELSE COULD EVER WELL THIS wicHT! SEEIN' MY NAME UP ON THAT ust THAT SEATS THE FIRST TIME THAT WE KISSED! oH ow THAT UST (00H WHOA: THEY KIsEN? eu YOU THOUGHT WAS DUMB? INELL, [THINK THAT SOME 30DY'S JUDGEMENT WAS POOR! LIKE MAKIN LOVE WITH YOU ALL NIGHT {T FEELS SO MUCH BETTER! IELLOM MUCH BETTER! ‘T5OH...OH..OHH, OHHH, OHHH MUCH BETTER “CAUSE AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE! MAYBESHES WHAT YOU PREFER ‘BUT HEY, LAST YEAR, | WASHER! MAYBE YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND, BUT YOU MIGHT LOOK UP TO FIND 1'VEGONE ON TO BETTER THINGS; [BETTER JOB OR BIGGER RINGS. DON'T HAVE THE MME TO CRY. 1M TOO BUSY LOVIN’ My [NAME UP ONTHAT Uist! KIND OF & COOL IRONIC TWiST! WHO ELSE CAN TELL? (OOH, WAIT! WHERE'S Br CELL? MOM WILL FALL ON THE FLOOR LOOK AT MWY NAME IN BLACK AND WHITE ‘AND I FEEL SOMUCH BETTER (STUDENTS) AHL ANL HAHAHA! THAT NAME IN BLACK AND Wit (GUESS SHES SO MUCH BETTER ‘THAN BEFORE. YES, SHE'Ss0 MUCH BETTER “THAN BEFORE. GREEK CHORUS NAMEUP ON THAT List! KINDOF 4 COOL IRONIC Twist! AHAWAH HEY, OM! {LOOK AT MY NAME IN/BLACK ANE ‘YOUR DAUGHTERS DOING SOMET! AND IFEELSO MUCH BETTER, Lroater Beowor -n- ene (GREEK CHORUS) ILL BE THERE ON MONDAY, NINE O'CLOCK, LLBE THERE ON MONDAY, NINE O'CLOCK STH WE WILL SEE WHO WALKS THE WALK THEN WE WILL SEE WHO WALKS THE WAL NO, NO:1CANT WAIT: WILL BE THERE AT EIGHT WHEN THEY UNLOCK THE DOOR— AHL AH, at “OH! OH! on on PLL EVEN DRESS IN BLACK AND WHITE! FLLEVEN DRESS IN BLACK AND WHITEI SEE, 1 HAVE NOT BEGUN TO FIGHT SEE, | HAVE NOT BEGUN TO FIGHT [AND YOU'LL GO MUCH BETTER HELLO: ANDSOON ALL V'ALLGONNA KNOW [AND SOGN ALL Y'ALL GONNA KNOW MUCH BETTER MUCH BETTER THAT! AM SO MUCH BETTER. 1AM SO MUCH BETTER, 1AM SO MUCH BETTER TAM so uc [TAM So MUCH BETTER. [AMO NUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE! AHAH AIT AH AH AH AHI AMLAH A AH AH AH AHI AMLAH Ai‘ AH AHL AHL AH! aLACKOUT End of Act One | ACT TWO, SCENE ONE i | eet BROOKE WYNDHAM. Shel pony oe | BROOKE | Hi, 'm Brooke Wyndham and welcome to the Wyndham Workout Disc Two | Clallenge and ou conatmen oti the bt you canbe! VIDEO PEOPLE | Yeah BROOKE So grab your CardioWhyp SOOO... “Cause if ou want 0 get ripped? You have to i pet Whyppedt 4 ing) DO YOU WANT AN EASY MIRACLE? DO YOU WANNA LOSE A POUND OR TWO? “THEN YOU CAN TURN THIS OFF RIGHT NOW: ‘My WORKOUTS NOT FOR YOU. TAC TALKIN’ TO THE WOMAN WHO WANTS IT ALL GOTTA PAY FOR WHAT YOU GET THESE SIZE 2 CLOTHES DON'T COME TO THOSE | BROOKE CHORUS | WANT YOU WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! WHIPPED INTOSHAPE: WHEN 1SAY JUMP” SAY HOW HIGH? say HOW HIGH? ‘YOU KNOW YOURE DOIN TT RIGHT DOIN’ IT RIGHT WHEN You staRr Tocev rocky: YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD, LOOK LikE You SHOULD) wait wir WHIP IT GooD! WHIP 1F.G000! (BROOKE) {IM SORRY, LADIES, NO ESCAPE. TL YOU'RE WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! ‘Come on Dana, you heifer, workit out! WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! (cHorvs) AH NO ESCAPE! WHIPPED INTO SHAPE: (Cer, whoops) WHIPPED INTO SHAPE: DANA Tate you Brooke, but Hove you fort cuorus ‘eHIPPED INTO SH WiteeeD ixTosH— BROOKE andthe GIRLS sutenly FREEZE. ENID ‘Aw, why'd you pause i? A light comes up ou CALLAHAN, Hong «remot conta. ‘We ars in fc in the CONFERENCE ROOM of Fox, Zshowsh & Callahan, ‘eching BROOKE'S workout vdeo witt CALLAHAN, ELLE. VIVIENNE, WARNER, ENID ond ENMETT, CALLAHAN Wehave a lotto cover, MEET OUR BEANO NEW CLIENT, BROOKE. YOU CAN LAUGH, BUTSHE'S MADE TONS (OFF HER DVS AND BOOK WHIP YOUR WAY TO TIGHTER BUNS: ‘TOHER Si«TY-YEAR-OLD STUD “TILSTEPDAUCHTER CAME DOWNSTAIRS AND FOUND BROOKE ALL COVERED IN His Bt000, | BROOKE TOOK A PLEA, 'D HAVE HER OUT IN THREE T0 FOUR, BUTSHE CLAIMS SHE BID NOT KILL HIM WARNER CALLAHAN LETS WATCH SOME MORE, He preses play", BROOKE andthe GIRLS dance more ages icing, =~ Leeatey Bonne il BROOKE iris BUTIT'S MORE THAN JUST A WORKOUT, ITS [ADEFENSIVE WEAPON Too: un ] SIMPLY WRAPIT ROUND YOUR ASSAILANTS NECK [THEN PULL TILE TURNS BLUE Hun | Youccas atsouse rie parewreD HANDLE GRIPS |) | sxeattronnamr anni enor ors i | AND GETS YOU WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! | swiitpreD isto stare! witrpep INTO SHAPE | (Cer en) BROOKE and th GIRLS FREEZE Back nthe CONFERENCE ROOM, ELLE's CALLAHAN ignores he. ried again, mare get CALLAHAN, | an, who thinks she's guily? EVERYBODY raises their hand, including CALLAHAN, ELLE quickly put her hand do (CALLAHAN) Olay now, (sing) HERE 5 WHERE YOU KIDS COME in [BROOKE HAS TROUBLE TRUSTING ME. IM HER ONLY CHANCE TO WiN, BUTI DON'T SPEAK MTV, THOUGH BROOKE WON'T HELP HER OWN DEFENSE. SHE MAY LISTEN TO HER PEERS, (CO AND PLACE A LITTLESENSE INTHE SPACE BETWEEN HER EARS. (ELLE ries er hand) (to En NOTNOW. (oat WANT HER WHIPPED INTO SHAPE, IF THERES A BRAIN IN THAT HAIR, ‘TELL ITTHATI AM THE KEY: ITS APLEA On THE CHAIR (CET NEITHER PLEA, NOR FLAN, NOR ALIBL ‘TO QUOTE FROM OUR DEFENDANT'S TAPE WANT HER “WHIPPED INTO SHAPE"? Torte ai ALL exit, ENID lags boind. When ses lone, she sues the vdeo bckon, CALLAHAN (0.5.) Enid ENID runs out ring the tye running andthe girls dancng.to the JAIL ‘The womer are no imates ond BROOKE steading them inher as. BROOKE (shouting instruc) Ladies, just because we're in the Boston Women’s Correctional Facility doesnt mean ‘we ant become the Sst wecan be CIRCLE CIRCLE UNDER OVER THROUGH AROUND, CIRCLE CIRCLE UNDER OVER THROUGH AROUND. CIRCLE CIRCLE UNDER OVER THROUGH AROUND. ‘You're not breaking out 50 might as well break a sweat 7 - Leoatty Bower BROOKE (CHORUS OF INMATE LEFT, RIGHT! LEFT, RIGET {LEFT RIGHTY LEFT RIGHT? Let) LEFT RIGA LEFT RIGHT: LEFT! JAIL ISNO EXCUSE! WANT YOU WHIPPED INTO SHAP WANT YOU WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! WHEN 15aY JUMP, SAY HOW HIGH WHEN 1SaY JUMP, SAY HOW HIGHT” YOULL KNOW YOU'RE DOING IF YOU'LL KNOW YOURE DOING I RIGHT, WHEN You starr TO CRY! WHEN YOU START TO CRY! IF YOU DONT LOOK LIKE YousHC youcor To worm wei water wae wip rr e000: wip 1r. G00! Lik prison ladies No escape! HuaH TILYou'RE, WHIPPED INTO SHAPE! WHIPPED INTO SHAPE wp im WHIPPED INTO SitA-A-A-APE! wap m warm BROOKE SWIPE TT SWIPE Fr SWIPE Ir THROUGH JACK I UP: DOUBLE JUNI BROOKE & INMATES SWIPE IT SWIPE IF SWIPE IT THROUGH JACK IT UPt DOUBLE JUMPY ‘A GUARD tnles BROOKE fo the visting are. PRISON GIRLS dance until BROOKE {5 seated in front of EMMETT, ELLE, WARNER, ENID and VIVIENNE. BROOKE INMATES WHIP rr, WHIP, pr, wea rr, WaIP cer WHIP IT, cer WHuPPeo INTO SHAPE! WHuPeeD INTO SHAPE: cuaRD Wyndham! You got some visitors! CALLAHAN exits, leaving BROOKE with ELLE, EMMETT, WARNER, VIVIENNE ‘and ENID, EMMETT. iy Ma, Wyndham. Fim Emmet Forest. Fm co-counsel with Sidwell, Zyskowsk, Foxand Callahan, These four inter are the cream ofthe rop at Harvard Law and ‘welrehere to “whip up” your legal defense BROOKE i silent, uninprese, Incidently, my moms a bg fan of your DVDs, Credits you with her nutcracker butt. Her words Again noting, ‘nyo, we'd love to discuss your case and go over afew choices. We want to free YOu as soon as possible 0 you can bring your message beck o your fans BROOKE Thats all want. This should be easy EMMETT reat. Callahan beefed me on your meeting are there i significant amount of ‘evidence agsnst you. To fee you, the jury will need to hea an at. BROOKE Not gonna happen, EMMETT ven though could save you? BROOKE ‘Yep, Put me onthe stand and be forced oie WARNER (kay Me, Wyndham if we ant hear anal, you should accept a plea bargain BROOKE ‘And admit to something I didn't do? VIVIENNE But witha ples bargain, you'd get out in couple of yeas, Tha sounds resonable sight? BROOKE Reasonable odo time for my husband's ile? Not ely on) (Oh she's tough. oman pce fit) Yor! Sister ~ BROOKE ‘Yo! Not reat! BROOKE thrusts lita ft jn ENID's fe I ned a defense team who knows Ym innacent. Getoutof ere Allo you. Gusrd! The ines fileout, defeated, Eseyon’s ut ofthe ram, ELLE's sin in, She stops and sings. ELLE ‘WHO WHO ISTHE GIRL WITH LOYAL FRIENDS AND TRUE? (SNAP SNAP) BROOKE (oary) WHo WHO? (SNAP SNAP) ELLE WHO WHO HAS A BOND AS STRONG AS KRAZY GLUE? (SNAP SNAP) BROOKE (daring to hye) wHo wHo? (SNAP SNAP) ELLE WHO CAN SOUND THE CALL ANDSISTERS ALL COME THROUGH? (svar) Lecatty Beowoe BROOKE & ELLE DELTA NU NU NU! (SNAP SNAP) DDELTA NU NU NU! YOU ARE A DELTA NUP ‘They sole into saps and giggles ELLE Delta Nos former UCLA. Presiden ils Woods I knew I recognized your mug shot BROOKE Shut upt ‘Oh yeah! Your DVD's got me in shape te be une forthe Gils of U.C.LA.calendsst BROOKE That's so great! Thank god someone on tis gal tam gets me! ELLE Siserhood's forever, I believe you. And wil ight with everything Ihave to clear your good name, But that involves an al BROOKE ean tit ‘Everyonehas their secrets. For years I denied my highlights. BROOKE 1's beyond highlights Elle. Isa disgrace. My secre is nuclear and iit gets out, could loxe my ines emit, which means everything tome, ft you. you Dalta NuSister Swear not o tll anyone! ELLE | wll Double Delta Nu Sister Swear, i| BROOKE You're hant-are, Okay: On the dey my huctiond we billod, had | (eispers) Lipo ELLE | Whae. ;| BROOKE | ein, ue) : pe 1 ELLE Broke you going to have to speak up, eat — BROOKE | | brat te ser | | LIPOSUCTION! MINIMALLY INVASIVE, OUTPATIENT LIPO, BUT LIPO! ELLE gasps, ELLE (On, my god ‘A PRISON GUARD enters PRISON GUARD Ms. Wyndham, your time is up BROOKE dt doi Sos cog ches ech pon MY a Ht | ELLE | i Your sees ith BROOKE bres a sh’ eing pull ut) My fanaze counting on me, ele them dovent You gat ake care of me, Ele BROOKE'S gone Js then, eergone eur | EMMETT ile there you ae CALLAHAN Where's Brooks? ELLE ‘The guard tok her back CALLAHAN Great ELLE But got heal CALLAHAN Kidding, So, What sit? ELLE ‘mafraid Lett you, CALLAHAN Why not? ELLE | Double Dela Nu Sister swore nett. VIVIENNE lets isnot some lite sorority thing, ELLE (Oh, How. isa big sorority thing, But don’t worry: Brooke really had nothing to do with this. Think bout it Brooke's a fitness queen. Exercise gives you ‘endorphins, and endorphins make you happy. Happy peopl ast don’t hil Callan isting CALLAHAN Emmett — a word CALLAHAN drags EMMETT to the opposites ofthe tage Foor vite back to ELLE discussing wit the infers, CALLAHAN and EMMETT ely tlk amongst those unheard VIVIENNE Ele are you serious? you don't give up tis ait, we will ALL lose the case ELLE ‘Then I guess were not very god lees WARNER Wilk you stop being a Marilyn Ee? Lister, Pooh Bear ~ Elle, Callahan want that alibi. Give itt him and you can sll through aw schoo, knowing there's big fat Jpb offer wating for you when you got oat ELLE WARNER So what, who cares? ELLE Who cares? CALLAHAN Emmett let me be very clear. This your chance, and I gave you simple instructions — Lead this legal team and get me an alibi. You'te zero for we, CALLAHAN and EMMETT eprowh the rnin intr. Everyone eld trip's over, Let's go. Back to work, (Gurnng to Emmet ond le) Except you two. rather not se ratty corduroy or legally blow agin today EMMETT and ELLE reef one ELLE Emmet I'm sorry — EMMETT ~ I don't nee you tobe sorry. I need yout tell me the lib ELLE can’t becuse gave Brooke my word. Having an ab isthe only way to win hice EMMETT No, butit sure would hep. ELLE Work with me. Well rc Brooke the ight way. The noble way. EMMETT. “This st Lifetime Original Movi, Elle. I'm not interested in obit right ow, Tm moc interested in saving Brooke's ie. ELLE No you're not. You're mre intersted in impressing Callan, EMMETT | he IS my boss. And if impress him hell make me asocine ELLE And jeopardize your clin’s rust and ou integrity? EMMETT Well when you put that way. ELLE xelly, you butthead, My word means something, know yours does too, EMMETT Noone's calle me a buthead since third grade ELLE Maybe not to your fce. C'mon, le’ get out of here EMMETT Why do you always haveto be igh?” ELLE 1 dort have tobe... when F'n with you, Fst am. Hey, if you want to impress Callan, Lean bel. EMMETT Okay, How? ELLE Listen, love your srully vibe, but "Casual Friday” is s0 notin Calls’ ‘oesbulany, and you have fo dress the part if you want to get ahead. EMMETT Elle, dis’ your mother ever tach you about nt judging a book by ts cover? ELLE | she di, And books with attred covers slay on the sht | EMMETT Thanks alt ELLE Emmet this n't «perfect work, Think people haven't judged me my whole fe? Think it wasnt a good ides to make navy my Hew pik? EMMETT No, that was a good ides. ELLE Hino EMMETT Where ane we going extly? ACT TWO, SCENE TWO ELLE and EMMETT exter Hansen-Herkess, a dparimentdoreofanimaginable tse sd comfort (Goscen. ef ightng, Ching wad meri are apa with tess rea fg sh.) EMMETT Whats this place? ELLE Walled a department store EMMETT Ws. beni ELLE ‘Shhh, ngs) FIRST A DEEP AREATHL TAKE ALLIN, FEEL ALL THOSE HALOGENS WARMING YOUR SKIN, SMELL HOW THEY PUMP IN PURE OXYGEN? (ning, to Emmett) Lover EMMETT steed Excuse me? H&H SALESGIRE (aut “Love (hong np prfne) The new fragrance fom Chanel - #6 Lecatiy Browor EMMETT 1 | (Oh, No thank you ELLE sare puting ate on EMMETT, He fgets and pote, She ignore it | uur rence «suis | think i's “Love” ELLE HERE YOU'LL BECOME WHAT YOU'RE SUPNOSED TO BE HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE IT, SO TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, EMMETT cHorus THE WAY THAT THEY WERE? ba, | WHY CAN I NEVERSAY NOTO HER? sa, SECOND PERFUME GIRL Subtest” By Calvin Klein Leeater Beonoe -u- EMMETT cHorus [A SALESPERSON demonstrate shits Mw al progressively more gris th ls. ‘THATI DONT UKE oon THATS KIND OF NEAK. ort (GUYS WHO WEAR THAT GET BeATUP oon STILL, 'VE COME THIS FAR ICANT RETREAT a IN MY SHELL ae MIN THE HANDS OF ELLE..1 ELLE & EMMETT HERE YOU'LL BECOME YOU THINK YOU CAN'T, BUT YOU CAN. SUPPOSED TO BE! i (OOH ..AH. SOTAKE IT LUKE A MAN AHL TAKEIT UKE A MANI EMMETT eters «changing roo ad tries on ast ELLE EMMETT chorus CoD I LOVE SHOPPING FOR GUYS! OKAY, THIS IS STRANGE WATCHING THEM CHANGE RIGHT BEFORE NY EYES DONT WATCH ME CHANCE! LOOK AT YOU STRIKING A POSE, ot YOUR CONFIDENCE GROWS! oon YOU BLOOM LIKE A ROSE! BLOOM LIKE A ROSE! rsjust cLoms. GOD I LOVESHOPAING FOR MEN! AH At OkaY, THI I NICE THEY WALKIN ATWO, an THEY WALKOUT ATEN aH AH (STS THE RICE” DON'T WORRY. THIS 6 MY TREAT; ont ‘THERES SOMEONE FD LIKE YOU AHL AH. AHL ELLE ad EMMETT tur tard he aoe as if fe anor, revealing ELLE & EMMETT Cinpreset) Whos. EMMETT (pleased) Hook like Ware. ELLE (pease Yeah. EMMETT lots a ELLE EMMETT Burt is just me. ELLE THATS THE BEST PART. ‘THE OUTSIDEIS NEW, BUT NOW IT REFLECTS WHAT'S ALREADY IN YOU- ‘COULDN'T CHANGE THAT IF L WANTED TO, AND 1 DONOT EMMETT “Thank you ELLE No thank you THIS 15 NO.GIFT T'S PAYMENT IN KIND, ‘CAUSE YOU SAW BEYOND ALL THE BLONDE TO MY MIND. (OH WE'VE GOTO BUY THIS!_WHAT ARE YOU, BUND? YOU LOOK HoT! ELLE SALESGIRLS (io singed AHL AH AIL AH AH Atl. HES HOT HOT HOT BOTY EWE HERE YOU'LL BECOME WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TORE! YOUTHINK YOUCAN'T, BUT YOU CAN? THINK OF THE GUY YOU WANT MOST TOBE! EMMETT & CHORUS HERE YOU'LL BECOME WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE! YOU THINK You CAN", BUT YOU CAN? ‘THINK OF THE GUY YOU WANT MOST EMMETT (considers hinsefin te mirror) NOT QUITE THE GUYT'DA CHOSE TO BE BUT; WHEN SHE'S STANDING THIS (cLose 70 me. {KIND OF LIKE HER PLAN. HERES YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE T. ‘YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE TT SO TAKE LiKE, SOTTAKE ITLIRE. AMAN! ELLE EMMETT cHorus AMAN! Mant AMAN. AMAN! AMAN! AMAN! Aman! | | mans AMAN! AMAN! |

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