Rating Qualities

8
Applicable

The Power of a Positive No

How to Say No and Still Get to Yes
William Ury | Copyright © 2007 by William Ury
Published by arrangement with The Bantam Dell
Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.

Imagine that you are a police department’s hostage negotiator. An armed man who has just lost
his job is holding his wife and children hostage in their barricaded home. He threatens to kill his
family and himself unless the authorities turn over the boss who fired him so he can “administer
fiery justice.” How do you tell this potential murderer no without jeopardizing everyone in the
house? The professionals who negotiate during such extreme situations know how to refuse in
such a way that no one gets hurt. That’s a useful skill, even when lives are not at stake. William
Ury, head of Harvard’s Global Negotiation Project, has negotiated agreements that have ended
bloody conflicts around the world. Here, he outlines a nimble strategy for delivering a “Positive
No” in every situation. This approach enables you to be firm about your values and state your
opinions without alienating others. getAbstract suggests this book to anyone who has to deliver an
occasional no and make it stick.

Take-Aways
• Saying no effectively is a tough business skill to learn.
• People often cannot say no with impact because they don’t know how to exercise personal
power without jeopardizing their relationships.
• You can give a negative answer without creating tension by following the “Yes!-No.-Yes?”
formula.
• Start with a “Yes!” affirmation stating the facts and how they are linked to your “core interests.”
• Follow with a “No.” This demonstrates your ability to take a stand. Then invite agreement with
a “Yes?” to turn a negative situation into a positive one.

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 • Instead of delivering a “Positive No,” many people give in, get aggressive or dodge the issue.
Those weak tactics do not work.
• Show respect for the other party and yourself.
• Don’t say no in an emotional or reactive way; be firm and unambiguous.
• Develop and implement a “Plan B” if the other party cannot agree with you.
• Your goal when you use a positive no is to reach an agreement both parties can accept.

Summary

No, Thanks. I’d Rather Not Die from Your Blue Plate Special

A senior executive had to spend a lot of time on the road. As a result, he ate many of his meals
in restaurants. He suffered from a heart condition so serious that eating oil or butter could have
killed him. Every time he ordered a meal, he asked the server to make sure that the cook did not
prepare his food with butter or oil. Many times, the server just ignored the request, seeing the
executive as a cranky troublemaker. Considering the life-and-death stakes involved, anyone might
lose his or her temper at such dangerous treatment. But getting angry with servers and cooks
would not have solved the executive’s dilemma.

“The Positive No represents a marriage of the two most fundamental words in the
language: Yes and No.”

Instead, he fixed his problem creatively. Whenever someone served him food prepared with oil
or butter, he quickly drew a diagram of his cardiovascular system on a paper napkin. His sketch
graphically illustrated that the three main arteries leading to his heart were seriously blocked. “My
doctors say if I have any butter or oil, I’ll die,” the executive would then politely explain. “So may I
ask you please to take this fish back and have it grilled without any fat?” Invariably, this approach
worked. Indeed, the servers became his advocates, because he had mastered one of life’s toughest
lessons: how to get your point across without making the other person angry.

“Saying No means, first of all, saying Yes! to yourself and protecting what is important
to you.”

The executive’s no included a positive message that supported his self-interests: health and well-
being. That yes-and-no combination constitutes a “Positive No.” To stand up for yourself, often
you must be able to say no without harming the relationships involved. This is hard, so many
people do not say no when they should. Instead, they let others walk all over them. You can learn
to say no in a positive way that will enhance – not ruin – your relationships.

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 The “Three A’s”

People often make unwelcome, unfair demands. The ability to turn them down is essential. Giving
in means giving up on yourself. However, refusing the wrong way can anger those around you and
even make them your enemies. Since declining is so difficult, many people back away from it and
use one of the weak “Three-A” tactics instead:

1. “Accommodation” – People give in, no matter what. They want to say no, but they always
say yes, undermining their self-respect and hurting their own interests. This often leads only to
“false temporary peace.” Sensing a pushover, people do the expected thing: They continue to
push to get what they want. Pretty soon, the pushers win it all.
2. “Attack” – Some people say no insensitively, regardless of the consequences. They use it
as an offensive weapon. They don’t just burn their bridges behind them; they blow them to
smithereens.
3. “Avoidance” – You don’t say yes or no; you just avoid taking a stand, hoping the issue will go
away. It won’t.

“Yes! No. Yes?”

Many people think that saying no means playing a power game that endangers their relationships
– or that they can maintain relationships only if they are always agreeable. However, always
being agreeable comes at the expense of their self-interest. A positive no transcends this either-or
dichotomy. This balanced tactic lets you stand up for yourself while preserving the relationship. It
means saying “Yes! No. Yes?”

“All too often we cannot bring ourselves to say No when we want to and know we
should.”

For instance, here’s how you can refuse if your boss asks you to work the next few weekends on
an important project, but you have promised your weekends to your family. Start with an initial
“Yes!” by saying that you support the project. Then add a specific “No.” to set a “clear limit” by
explaining that you aren’t available on weekends. Next, offer an immediate, conciliatory “Yes?”
by asking if you can fit the project into your regular hours as an alternative. Your final “Yes?” will
open the door to creating an understanding and a project plan that respects the company’s needs
and your priorities.

“Half of our problems today come from saying Yes when we should be saying No.”

Respect is the pivotal word in this equation. You demonstrate self-respect by standing up for
yourself. At the same time, you show that you respect the other person. A positive no always starts
with a deeper “Yes!” that acknowledges your important wants and needs. This affirms the things

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 that are important to you. It helps establish your motives for subsequently saying no. Use these
tactics to convey your initial agreement:

1. “The-statements” – “You-statements” put people on the defensive: “Your team is inefficient

and you interfere too much with procedures. That is why the shipment was late.” Instead, use
a the-statement that simply presents the facts, not your interpretation of them. “The shipment
was delayed. Your team missed its deadline.”
2. “I-statements” – These focus on your needs, not another person’s failings. You can combine
I-statements with the-statements following this format: “When situation X happens...I feel
Y...because I want or need Z.” For instance, “When shipments are late, I feel bad because our
goal is to meet our deadlines.” The way that you express an I-statement is crucial.
3. “We-statements” – Sometimes, you may seem self-centered if you say no accompanied by
or preceded by an I-statement. Use we-statements to circumvent this potential problem. If you
can, make your no into a positive statement that reflects shared standards or interests. “We all
want to meet deadlines.”

“In business and in politics, as at home, everything in the end is personal.”

If you don’t start your “No” statement with a “Yes!” then delivering a purely reactive response
to a question becomes too easy. How can you make sure your negative response is not just an
emotional reaction? Pause and collect yourself before you deliver it. Count to 10. Ponder your
primary interests. Then decide whether a yes or no best supports those interests. To gain time
before you give a definite answer, you can even delay by saying, “Let’s talk about it this afternoon,”
or “Let me think about it and I will get back to you tomorrow.”

“The challenge...in saying No is to express the ‘need’ – the interest, desire or concern –
without the ‘neediness’.”

Take time to get in touch with your emotions and needs. Ask yourself why a no seems important.
Make sure it really is. Determine what truly matters to you. To create a strong Yes! statement, you
must know your own priorities, the “core interests” you want to “protect and advance .” Negatives
do not connote power – positives do. Don’t confuse whether to say no with how to say it. If the
no supports your core values, saying it is crucial, no matter how difficult it is. A purely reactive
no is always a problem, so think carefully about your no and what it signifies. Throughout this
process, understanding why you want to decline will help you uncover your underlying direction
and purpose. Thoughtful introspection makes your negative response more powerful.

Develop a “Plan B”

Once you understand your “Yes!” you will be more comfortable with your negative response, but
that is not enough. To feel completely fine with saying no, create a backup plan so you have a way
to deal with the consequences if your no leads to negative repercussions. For instance, what if your

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 boss harasses you? Saying no signals that you will not tolerate such behavior. If your no does not
change things, your plan B might be to ask the human resources department for support or to
request a transfer to another department. Plan B is not a “fallback.” It is a thought-out alternative
course of action you definitely will pursue if the other person does not accept your no. Plan B
represents “positive power.” With it, you remain in control.

“To get your No heard, there is no need to shout. There is no need to be aggressive, nor is
there need to placate. A firm neutral tone will do just fine.”

Now, instead of having to turn to plan B, consider how you can get the other person “to say Yes to
your No.” The answer is simple: Show that person respect. Often, this important emotional value
does not accompany no, so the unadorned no feels like a personal rejection to the other individual.
You cannot get someone to agree with you that way. Offering respect instead of rejection does
not mean accommodation or obsequious behavior. It means paying attention to others, listening
carefully to their views and acknowledging their humanity. You don’t even have to like them – you
just have to treat them with the same respect you want to receive.

The Big No

You can’t live a reasonable life without sometimes saying no to preserve the clarity, discipline,
structure and order you need. Think of your refusal as a way to select what you want to do and
don’t want to do, a way to define what matters to you. The best no is natural, clear, firm, polite,
“simple and straightforward.”

“We all have the right to say No. It is our fundamental birthright as a human being.”

A “Negative No” will turn others against you, but a positive no will engage them. Make your no as
uncomplicated as possible. Use it as the first word in a sentence: “No, I cannot agree to lower the
price of our product.” “No, I can’t lend you money.” Be unambiguous. You also can express your
no by saying, “I’m sorry, but I have a policy against (whatever is being asked)” or “I have another
commitment this evening so it is impossible for me to (do whatever).”

The Important “Yes?”

You are not finished once you have delivered your no. Saying no is not just a communication
exercise. It also involves persuasion. That is where your final “Yes?” comes into play. Your first
“Yes!” speaks to your values. Your second “Yes?” is a “positive proposal” that lets the other person
join you in some form of mutual understanding. It gives the other person a rationale for agreeing
with you. Conversely, it turns the tables on the other person in the equation. Now, he or she is in
the uncomfortable position of possibly having to say no to you. Your “Yes?” may involve another
alternative that addresses everyone’s needs. For example, perhaps an employee asks you for a
raise, but the company just cut your department’s budget and you have no money for raises. Don’t

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 just say no, because that could create bitterness and affect the employee’s performance. Consider
some other recognition instead, perhaps a new title.

“The art of leadership is not saying Yes; it’s saying No.” [ – former British prime minister
Tony Blair]

When you say no to someone, be aware that people take time to process and deal with a negative
answer. Don’t waver or backtrack. Stay true to your statement. Your answer expresses your
principles and yielding on principle is never a good idea. If the person you’ve turned down
gets angry, do not respond in kind. If he or she says something hurtful, pause and think before
answering. One way to stay calm if another person starts shouting is to pinch your palm. That
sharp sensation will overpower your reaction to the other person’s histrionics. Not overreacting
when someone else gets carried away puts you in an extremely powerful position. Maintain this
stance. Listen respectfully, but stick to your guns.

When You Must Implement Plan B

Even the most positive no may deeply anger the other person, who may want to fight back or
argue with you. Do not engage in a dispute. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose. “The
best general is the one who never fights,” said Chinese military genius Sun Tzu. Instead, calmly
repeat your response as many times as it takes. Make sure that the other person knows you mean
business. If he or she does not accept your refusal, then activate plan B.

“A No uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a Yes merely uttered to
please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.” [ – Mahatma Gandhi]

Your alternative plan is not a threat to get a response from the other person. That would cede
control. Instead, plan B is a course of action that you firmly, independently control. You are in
charge. Warn the other person before you implement your alternative plan. Make sure he or she
understands the consequences of refusing to accept your negative answer. If this does not work,
then move to plan B, but with respect and restraint.

“When angry, count to 10. If very angry, 100.” [ – Thomas Jefferson]

Of course, plan B is not your goal, which is to develop a positive outcome for everyone. You
want to arrive at some form of a wise agreement. This may involve meeting the other person’s
unspoken needs. To identify those needs, ask about them. You could say, “Help me understand
your concerns.” Try to reach an agreement the other person can live with over the long term.
Construct a “golden bridge” (another Sun Tzu dictum) that enables the person to cross and join
you in some agreeable fashion. This is how to “negotiate to Yes.” By starting with a positive no that
says yes to your core interests, you can arrive at a result that meets everyone’s concerns.

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 About the Author
William Ury heads Harvard University’s Global Negotiation Project. He is the co-author of
Getting to Yes, and a leader in the global “e-Parliament,” designed to advance democracy by
developing an ongoing international forum to address global problems.

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This document is restricted to the personal use of Florencia Maldonado (florencia.maldonado@despegar.com)

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