Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Task 3 Report Exemplars - Grade A Range - 3 Topics
Task 3 Report Exemplars - Grade A Range - 3 Topics
Task 3 Report Exemplars - Grade A Range - 3 Topics
*This exemplar is adapted from an authentic script from the CAES1000 Written Exam.*
*Key academic features and suggested areas for improvements are annotated in the comment
boxes.*
were twice more likely to be monitored than their white counterparts. This further raises the
issue of sexually explicit and unjustified monitoring and reinvigorates the urgent need for more
responsible and transparent functioning of surveillance bodies. Comment [A19]: Good
closing sentence to wrap up the
paragraph.
4. Recommendations
As evident from the previous sections of the report, surveillance technologies undoubtedly Comment [A20]: Provides a
serve as the cornerstone for building a safer society. However, their potential misuse severely link to the previous sections and
summarizes the key points.
challenges the effectiveness of SOSTs in maintaining equilibrium between private security and
safety. The following recommendations can be instrumental in addressing the legitimate Comment [A21]: Logically
concerns regarding the pitfalls of SOSTs and can enhance its effectuality in countering societal discusses why the above
challenges need to be
crime. addressed, leading to the
recommendations.
5. Conclusion
As discussed in detail throughout this report, SOSTs are in principle, instrumental in countering
the threats of rampant crime and terrorism but in practice handicap the privacy of the common
man. To ensure that this conflicting trade-off between security and privacy is resolved, it
therefore becomes crucial that a carefully designed, accountable and people-sensitive system
of surveillance is established so that neither of the two is compromised. Comment [A28]: A summary
of the main points and
recommendations.
References:
Gill, M. & Spriggs, A. (2013). Assessing the impact of CCTV. UK: Home Office Research.
Hiran, V. (2011). Privacy and security in the digital age: Contemporary challenges and future
directions. The International Journal of Human Rights, 15(7), 1091-1106.
Kreissl, R. & Norris, C. (2015). Surveillance: Preventing and detecting crime and terrorism. In D.
Wright (Ed.), Surveillance in Europe (pp. 150-210). London: Routledge.
Lim, H. & Kim, C. (2016). The crime-reduction effects of open-street CCTV. Security Journal,
29(2), 241-255.
Overall Grade: A
TASK DESCRIPTION
1. Write an academic report recommending sustainable ways to
prepare for a rapidly aging population. You may want to discuss the
negative effects of population aging, and the benefits (and/or
drawbacks) of various measures with reference to different contexts,
or provide any other information that can justify your recommendations.
1. Introduction
life expectancy. However, a severely aging population is concurrent. For example, the Comment [A1]: Introduces the topic and
shows stance.
median age of the world population is forcasted to rise from 26.7 years to 38.1 years during
Comment [A2]: Uses alarming statistics to
illustrate the ‘severely aging population’.
2000 – 2050 (Goldstein, as cited in Kye & Arenas, 2014). Moreover, population aging seems
Comment [A3]: Uses secondary citation
accurately.
to be a more eminent problem in some developed countries, e.g. Korea and Singapore Comment [A4]: Good use of hedging.
Comment [A5]: Provides correct ordering of
information in citation when synthesizing
(Global-is-Asian, 2017; Key & Arena, 2014). This phenomenon has exerted great pressure on multiple sources.
1
the unprepared society in aspects of a declined labour force, pension system and social care
for the elderly. This report intends to examine some negative impacts of an aging Comment [A6]: Acknowledges the
complexities of the topic by introducing
various areas of concerns. Also sufficiently
population, then it will offer recommendations for the society to be better prepared for an prepares the readers the scope of discussion
in the following sections.
2. Negative impacts and challenges Comment [A8]: Uses clear numbering for
headings.
pension. With the prevalence of nuclear family, i.e. a couple raises only one child, familial
support for the elderly may be reduced on average because there will be only one child to
support his/her parents in the future (Kye & Arenas, 2014). In light of this, the elderly may Comment [A13]: This rebuttal is well-
illustrated by comparing the past and the
present family structures on the elderly
rely more on the pension system. As Global-is-Asian (2017) points out, some countries’ support. The two situations are clearly
signaled with the use of ‘Traditionally, …’ and
‘With the prevalence of nuclear family,’.
pension systems are not adequately prepared to support a larger old population. Moreover, Comment [A14]: Good use of hedging.
Comment [A15]: Uses integral citations to
illustrate how inadequate the pension systems
the author also suggests that the contemporary pension system does not offer adequate are for supporting the expanding aging
population.
Comment [A16]: Replaces the name with
care for the lower and middle-income group. this pronoun reference to create sentence
cohesion without repeating the same name.
2
2.2 Challenges in post-retirement lives Comment [A17]: Provides a brief, concise
and evaluative noun phrase as a section
heading.
Admittedly, the increase of average life expectancy is a vital advance in human history.
However, the quality of the concurrent lengthened post-retirement lives should also be Comment [A18]: Effective use of booster to
reinforce the need of considering this aspect
which could be perceived as a challenge to a
considered. Physically, old individuals usually face disease, disability and declining cognition society.
Comment [A19]: Effective cohesive strategy
to signal the first aspect of lives. The following
due to dementia. Considering the scarcity of measures that can effectively mitigate these paragraph will discuss the second aspect -
spiritual lives.
Comment [A20]: Missing citations.
symptoms, the quality of the post-retirement lives of the elderly may be severely impaired Improvement needed: this idea is adopted
from Sander, Jesper, & Kras (2015). This
reference could have been properly
(Sander & Jesper & Kras, 2015). acknowledged in-text.
Comment [A21]: Good use of hedging as it
could be speculative.
Moreover, the elderly may face some challenges in their spiritual lives. As argued in a
journal article, elders may face social isolation and detachment due to their loss of Comment [A22]: Incorrect integral citation.
This is an oral citation style.
professional network (Sander & Jesper & Kras). Moreover, the author suggests the Comment [A23]: Missing the year of
publication.
Comment [A24]: Improvement needed:
correlation between these spiritual challenges and a higher health risk. In conclusion, an plural form should have been used as there
are three authors in this source.
aging population has imposed great pressure on the society to design better social
mechanisms to care for the elderly both physically and mentally. Comment [A25]: This concluding sentence
helps readers anticipate the upcoming
recommendation relative to these challenges.
An aging population will result in a lower ratio of qualified labour force. This argument can Comment [A26]: Shows effective link with
the section heading by using similar phrases.
be proved by the facts from Hong Kong and Japan where the society is concerned about this
decrease (Murakami & Gilroy & Atterton, 2015; Taskforce on Managing Hong Kong’s Aging
3
Population, 2018). Because the age structure is correlated with the producers-consumers
rate and the general productive rate of a society, it may be argued that an aging population Comment [A27]: Improvement needed: the
two concepts could have been elaborated for
clarity.
will have some negative impacts upon the long-term economic growth (Kye & Arenas, 2014).
3. Recommendations
As suggested in section 2.1, an aging population urgers the society to develop a better Comment [A28]: Enhances the cohesion of
the report by appropriately referencing
relevant sections.
pension system. The initiative to provide more pensions for every individual may seem to be Comment [A29]: Wrong spelling – urges.
attractive and easy to execute. However, this initiative may be controversial because it
entails the possibility to impose higher taxes onto the society. Some studies suggest that
elevating taxes levels may make workers less competitive and undermine the
entrepreneurship spirit (Global-is-Asian, 2017). This report maintains that though the
worries are valid, a reasonable rise in taxation to provide more pensions for the elderly may
still be taken into consideration in light of the direct benefits it will have for the elderly. Comment [A30]: Demonstrates a critical
evaluation of differing views. First, provides
counter-argument by acknowledging the
limitation of the suggestion ‘However…’,
Moreover, a more sustainable solution to this problem may lie in promoting the equality in illustrated with specific examples from
sources. Then, comments on the opposing
views as ‘valid’ and suggests ‘a reasonable rise’
pension system. For example, Singapore government has introduced a new pension in taxation as a rebuttal ‘though…., ….’.
Comment [A31]: Shows effective link back
to the final example in Section 2.1 ‘does not
programme in addition to its original one to provide better support for lower-income offer adequate care for the lower and middle-
income group’.
4
seniors (Global-is-Asian, 2017). Such a policy may be a good example for future designers of Comment [A32]: Effective use of hedging as
it is just a suggestion.
Another solution to the imposing challenges an aging population proposed may be raising
the retirement and re-employment age (Global-is-Asian, 2017). It is argued by some scholars
that due to the expansion of education, the elderly are better equipped with knowledge and
are more productive (Kluge & Zag & Loi & Vogt, 2014). Consequently, this rise may reduce
the expected declines in economic growth due to an aging population (Kluge & Zag & Loi &
As section 2.2 implies, some measures should be taken in order to adress problems the Comment [A34]: Wrong spelling – address.
elderly may encounter in their spiritual lives. For example, Building age-friendly
communities enable the seniors to stay within the community networks instead of being
treated as peripheral citizens (Murakami & Gilroy & Atterton, 2015; Sander & Jesper & Kras,
2015). As section 3.2 mentions, seniors are different from those of the past because they Comment [A35]: Use of multiple sources to
reinforce the practicality of this solution.
are more productive and active. Thus, seniors today are capable of taking up the Comment [A36]: Effective link with the
previous section by using similar vocabulary
and summarizing the key idea.
responsibility of being the central figures of their communities. This difference should be
5
taken into consideration of future social policy designers to develop better social
mechanisms to adress the problems seniors may encounter in their post-retirement lives. Comment [A37]: Solutions are concrete,
relevant and well-justified.
4. Conclusion
Though society has been offering support for the elderly, e.g. pension system, existing
measures may not be well-prepared the handle the pressure exerted on them by an aging
population. Moreover, an aging population has proposed some new and unexpected Comment [A38]: Shows a complexity of the
topic and reiterates a clear stance by including
the counter-argument.
challenges for the society, e.g. spiritual lives of the seniors. This report has examined both
the deficiencies of existing measures and those new challenges. It has also proposed some
recommendations to adress these problems. This report maintains that the challenges will Comment [A39]: This summary is too
general.
Improvement needed: major challenges and
be adressed if the society develops resonable measures to embrace the impending aging recommendations could have been
highlighted.
Global-is-Asian (2017, April 7). Rapid aging exerts pressure on Singapore pension system.
The Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore.
Retrieved from https://lkyspp.nus.edu.sg
Kluge, F., & Zag, E., & Loi, E., & Vogt, T. (2014). The advantages of demographic change after Comment [A42]: Arranges the reference list
and sources in alphabetical order of the first
author’s last names.
the wave: Fewer and older, but healthier, greener, and more productive? PloS ONE,
9(9), 96-112.
6
Kye, B., & Arena, E. (2014). Education, elderly health and differential population aging in
Murakami, K., & Gilroy, R., & Atterton, J. (2015). The benefits of an aging population: Case
Sander, M., & Jesper, A., & Kras, A. (2015). The challenges of human population aging. Age
Taskforce on Managing Hong Kong’s Aging Population. (2018). Hong Kong faces challenge in
how to manage its aging population. Hong Kong: Hong Kong Hospital Authority.
7
CAES1000 Core University English
Task 3 Report Exemplar
WRITE A REPORT
1. Introduction
Hong Kong, as an international financial center, has utilized most of its land for Commented [Author1]: The introduction is effective in giving
focus.
business activities, instead of the primary sector. In light of the imbalanced However, the first sentence is unclear. Is this statement
(Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Although our city is evolving rapidly as a high-tech Commented [Author2]: Good use of sources, good citation
form.
(Fung, 2015). UA helps the city to be self-sufficient in terms of food production and abbreviation by placing it in brackets after the initial usage
of the full term.
supply when foreign countries restricts food exports at times like a pandemic
outbreak. Discerning the inadequate UA development in Hong Kong, this report
the expected outcome. Commented [Author5]: Apart from the minor points above,
2. Limitations
2.1 Financial Obstacle: High Operational Costs Commented [Author6]: The report structure is handled well:
sections, section and sub-section numbering, sub-headings.
Whilst UA is associated with huge economic potential, financial impediment Commented [Author7]: “Huge” – careful of dramatic
as organizational devices.
Kennard and Bamford (2020) stated that quality and price are often mutually
exclusive factors when developing UA. They pointed out that price further affiliates Commented [Author9]: Generally keep to the simple present
vertical farming, rooftop gardens and indoor growing, are also relatively high
immaturity (Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Given the high cost of this city, rental Commented [Author11]: Note the & in the non-integral
citation.
burden is another significant financial obstacle for UA development (Kennard & Commented [Author12]: Good signposting, suggesting an
accumulation of factors and considerations all organized
considerable hurdle to these small business owners (Schmid et al., 2016). As a result, Commented [Author14]: Again, very good signposting,
bringing the reader now to an effective mini-conclusion to
2.1 Spatial Hindrance: Priority for Other Development due to Insufficient Land
Notice some minor word choice and word form issues:
should be 2.2.
public to utilize the land resources for housing and business development over UA. A Commented [Author17]: Can this sub-heading be made more
limitations”?
sense of UA advocacy in the community is critical for the government to put forward
Commented [Author18]: Careful of word choice. Contributed.
necessary policies to promote the primary sector. Fung (2015) reported that people’s
awareness of local food production has declined for years together with the
development of the agricultural industry in Hong Kong. The public has hardly exerted
growth, leading to the absence of a sustainable city strategy for UA development in Commented [Author19]: Good cause-effect relation, again
showing implications and consequences of a particular line
Kong, land is often prioritized for mitigating the pressing housing problem as well as
commercial use that generates actual profits (Kennard & Bamford, 2020). Apart from Commented [Author20]: No need to repeat the year for the
the inter-industry competition for land, Kennard and Bamford (2020) found that intra-
industry competition also hinders UA development due to the rival between urban
gardening groups and traditional allotment gardens. Therefore, Hong Kong’s land
3.1 Rendering financial and technological support Commented [Author22]: Notice that the recommendations
for solutions here in section 3 directly mirror the key
and technological support are suggested being taken. Commented [Author23]: Strong TS, as always with this
student. Clearly demonstrates what we can expect in the
section.
cutting-edge farming technologies into Hong Kong in order to promote UA among the
convenience store in Sai Kung could be widely advocated for the development of
‘mobile farm’ (Sharon, 2019). With reference to Rome and Zürich, online systems can
in hopes of turning down their production costs hence aiding UA farmers to break
even, and eventually make a profit. On top of that, the expected prosperous future of
example of the partnerships between Kroger, Whole Foods and local farmers in
selling UA products in grocers (Grebitus & Price, 2017). Hopefully, this can foster the
of financial support is therefore directly proportional to the magnitude of the success Commented [Author26]: Notice the tight focus on finances
deeper.
availability.
Zoning policies can help Hong Kong to specify the land dedicated to UA development
amended its zoning policy to release a large piece of peri-urban area for integrated
year, similar actions were taken by the New York government, giving rise of the
examples as references, the Hong Kong government is encouraged to actively Commented [Author27]: As so often, the student is quick to
give examples which support the point she has just made.
purchase land and zone out a larger proportion of area for urban farming during urban
While zoning policies should be improved, the utilization of advanced technology is Commented [Author29]: Good cohesion: looking back to the
also essential for UA development. Take Science Barge in New York and
linked with research and development laboratories and the latter serves to design UA
software and aquaponic systems (Tull et al., 2018). The hydroponic and aquatic
systems can be used in rooftop gardens, vertical farming and indoor growing, in turn,
expanding UA within limited spaces (Sharon, 2019). In such, the limited land supply Commented [Author30]: Again, notice how this clearly
government and other stakeholders can address the financial difficulty and land
supply issue by addressing the financial and geographical limitations. This report also Commented [Author31]: Very good reiteration of the two key
ideas the students has been focusing on the whole time.
Effective organisation.
delves into the recommendations for local UA development, which is the optimization
implemented by the Hong Kong government to boost UA development. Commented [Author32]: Effective conclusion: reiterates the
Brebitus, C., & Prince, I. (2017). Relationship between consumer behavior and
http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.ecolecon.2017.02.010
Fung, F.W.Y. (2015). Government not doing enough to promote green living, say
Hong Kong’s farmers. South China Morning Post. Commented [Author33]: Give a date for the article – SCMP is
without a date.
Kennard, D. & Bamford, R. (2020). Urban Agriculture: Opportunities and challenges Commented [Author34]: What is missing here?
Schmid, O., Moschi, H. & Dubbel, M. (2016). Governance for urban food systems – Commented [Author35]: What is missing here?
recommendations from SUPURBFOOD project. Swiss Research Institute of Organic
Agriculture.
Sharon, A. (2019, August 14). Hong Kong growing urban farming tech. OpenGove Commented [Author36]: Source is misspelt…. Avoid this!
Opengov Asia.
Asia. https://opengovasia.com/hong-kong-growing-urban-farming-tech/
Tull, E., Hospers, G.J., & van den Berg, L. (2018). Opportunities and challenges of
urban agriculture for sustainable city development. European Spatial Research and
Criterion 1: Structure
Key elements of structuring are present: good section divisions; clear, effective topic
sentences directing the paragraphs, generally good sub-headings (though sometimes
too wordy); careful of repeating section number!
An good introductory section establishing the importance and contested nature of the
topic, with a stance and basic structure given.
An effective conclusion which reiterates the key points without introducing new ideas
or sources.
Sections (for report form) and paragraphing within the sections are well handled.
Topic sentences are all strong and effective, giving clear direction to the rest of each
paragraph. Create and meet reader expectation well.
Clearly identified two main issues to focus on, with a range of solutions offered.
The stance is generally consistent, and the position is well backed up with appropriate
evidence from a range of quality sources. The citations from sources clearly support
both the problems and the recommendations.
There are few irrelevancies in the text: almost all information is on topic, and the
writer is very good at exploring both actions and implications, and probing more
deeply. Very good criticality.
‘Clear and concise’: the essay explains concepts so the reader can understand them
easily, and does so in a brief yet comprehensive manner.
The essay offers a position that is not confusing or ambiguous: the meaning is clear,
and the reader can easily understand the range of ideas offered.
Grammar: ‘Systematic errors’ (defined as ‘errors made throughout the text rather than
just in isolated places, including the use of subordinate clauses, conditionals, passives,
complex noun phrases, relative clauses, etc’): no systematic errors. The grammar was
fluent, flexible, idiomatic, easily accessible to a reader. The style was appropriate for
the academic genre.
Vocabulary: (defined as ‘using a wide range of vocabulary accurately,’ i.e., able to use
less common words accurately, as well as more common words):
Very well handled, though occasional inappropriate word choice (e.g., ) and word
forms.
Criterion 4. Citation/referencing:
Very well handled in-text citation. Frequent – almost too frequent – and varied.
Careful not to repeat the date for the same source in the same para.
Ordering of information alphabetically in the reference list, and the form is good, but
some elements of the reference list are careless – see the annotations above. This is
disappointing because of how careful the writer has been everywhere else.
Page numbers for direct quotations and secondary citation: not used here, but a reader
can have confidence they would have been properly handled.