Self-Therapy, Vol.

3
A Step-by-Step Guide to Using IFS for
Eating Issues, Procrastination, the
Inner Critic, Depression,
Perfectionism, Anger, Communication,
and More
Jay Earley, PhD
Self-Therapy, Vol. 3: A Step-by-Step Guide to Using IFS for Eating Issues,
Procrastination, the Inner Critic, Depression, Perfectionism, Anger,
Communication, and More
Copyright © 2016 by Jay Earley. All rights reserved.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means
(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of
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 Acknowledgments
I am deeply grateful to Dick Schwartz for creating such a brilliant
method of therapy and working so hard to spread this knowledge throughout
the world. IFS has changed my life and the lives of so many of my clients and
students.
I appreciate the participants in my Advanced IFS Classes for helping
me deepen my understanding of this material as I taught it to them.
I received very helpful feedback that improved this book from Ariane
Korth, Julia Sullivan, Karen Locke, Ingemar Fransson, Landon Hall, Lisa
Giles, Esther Michelson, and Katrin Kirojood.
Kira Freed has done a thorough job of editing and proofreading the
entire work and laying out the book’s interior, including producing graphics
for the book. Robert Henry converted it to the Kindle format. Jeannene Chase
Langford’s creative eye is always available for striking book cover design.
My virtual assistant, Mary Jane Stern, has been continually in the background
helping with innumerable tasks. The cool illustrations were done by Karen
Donnelly.
 Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1. Your Inner Critic
Chapter 2. Procrastination
Chapter 3. Eating Issues with Bonnie Weiss, LCSW
Chapter 4. Perfectionism
Chapter 5. Depression
Chapter 6. Anger and Disowned Anger
Chapter 7. The Passive-Aggressive Pattern
Chapter 8. Conflicts in Love Relationships
Chapter 9. IFS and Skillful Communication
Chapter 10. Conclusion
Appendix A. Help Sheet from Self-Therapy
Appendix B. Definitions of Terms
Appendix C. Introduction to the Pattern System
Appendix D. Resources
 Introduction
If you are familiar with the basic concepts of IFS and want to learn
how to apply it to some common psychological issues, this book is for you.
My first IFS book, Self-Therapy, is a basic manual for IFS (Internal Family
Systems Therapy). It has helped countless people resolve and heal from
troubling psychological issues, as I have discovered from the many emails I
receive from people all over the world telling me what a difference the book
(and IFS) has made in their lives.
Self-Therapy teaches you how to work on yourself using IFS and how
to do IFS peer counseling with a friend. It also gives therapists a thorough
grounding in the basics of IFS and how to use it effectively with their clients.

IFS is a powerful form of individual therapy developed by Richard

Schwartz, PhD, that has been spreading rapidly around the United States and
the world, especially since 2005. It is user-friendly, spiritually oriented, and
very effective in working with trauma as well as a wide variety of other
psychological issues. IFS has been declared an evidence-based practice by
the federal agency that is in charge of such designations. This means that it has
been shown to be effective by peer-reviewed research.
Richard Schwartz is the founder of the Center for Self-Leadership,
which offers professional trainings in IFS. See www.selfleadership.org for
information about these trainings and other aspects of IFS.

Since Self-Therapy only covers the basics of IFS, I am publishing a

series of sequels that include intermediate and advanced techniques and
insights. Self-Therapy, Vol. 2 (2016) describes advanced techniques for
working with protectors. This book, Self-Therapy, Vol. 3, shows how to apply
IFS to a variety of common psychological issues. I have chosen to include
psychological issue in this book that (1) many people struggle with, (2) I have
studied in some detail, and (3) have some complexity to them, so you will
benefit from learning specialized ways of applying IFS to them. More
volumes will follow.
 Chapter 1 discusses how to work with Inner Critic parts. Chapter 2
deals with procrastination. Chapter 3 covers eating issues and food addiction.
Chapters 4 and 5 deal with perfectionism and depression. Chapter 6 discusses
how to work with anger and disowned anger using IFS. Chapter 7 shows how
to recognize and work with the Passive-Aggressive Pattern. Chapters 8 and 9
deal with conflicts in love relationships; Chapter 8 shows how to understand
the sequences of protectors and exiles that get triggered in an argument, and
Chapter 9 explains how to communicate in a skillful manner during a conflict
using IFS.

How to Use This Book

Self-Therapy, Vol. 3 will be useful to both professionals and the
general public. In order to reach both audiences, I have taken the following
approach. The book is written for the nonprofessional who wants to work on
him- or herself using IFS. This material is also useful to therapists who want
to use IFS with their clients. In addition, I have added comments that are
directed specifically to therapists in sidebars titled Therapist Note.
Since this book is a sequel to Self-Therapy, it assumes that you have
either read Self-Therapy or you have learned the basic IFS material in another
way, perhaps by taking the IFS Level 1 professional training. Therefore, this
book doesn’t present the basics of IFS. To refresh your understanding of IFS
before reading this book, review the Help Sheet in Appendix A or review
Self-Therapy.
You don’t need to have read Self-Therapy, Vol. 2 in order to
understand this book. There are a few discussions in this book that you will
understand better if you are familiar with Vol. 2, but not many.
Experiential exercises throughout this book help you practice the IFS
techniques that you are learning. I recommend that you do them, preferably
with a friend, so the concepts in this book become grounded in your lived
experience.
In this book, I use the Pattern System to show the relationships
between types of parts. The Pattern System is a systematic, comprehensive
way of understanding personality (see Appendix C).
 Chapter 1
Your Inner Critic
Inner Critic protectors are some of the most common and difficult
parts that we have to deal with, and IFS can be used to transform Inner Critics
successfully. In fact, the IFS approach to the Inner Critic is more effective than
any other approach I know. However, there are some complex issues to
understand in working with Inner Critics successfully.

When you feel ashamed, hopeless, inadequate, or just plain awful

about yourself, it’s usually because an Inner Critic part is attacking you. Inner
Critics do this in a variety of ways, but most commonly they pummel you with
negative messages about your self-worth. They may criticize your looks, your
work habits, your intelligence, the way you care for others, or any number of
other things.
They may:

• evaluate and judge your feelings and behavior and sometimes your
core self

• tell you what you should and shouldn’t do

 • criticize you for not meeting their expectations or the expectations of
people who are important to you

• doubt you and tell you that you can’t be successful

• shame you for who you are

• make you feel guilty about things you have done

Most people have a number of self-judging Inner Critic parts. For

example, you might have one Critic that attacks you for how you overeat and
how much you weigh, and another Critic that tells you that you’re lazy and
should be working harder.

The Seven Types of Inner Critics

I have identified seven specific types of Critics:

• The Perfectionist

• The Inner Controller

• The Taskmaster

• The Underminer

• The Destroyer

• The Guilt Tripper

• The Conformist

Each type of Critic has a different motivation and strategy, so identifying

which Critics are affecting you can be quite useful. Let’s look at each of the
seven types of Critics.

The Perfectionist
 The Perfectionist tries to get you to do everything perfectly. It has very
high standards for behavior, performance, production, and appearance. When
you don’t meet its standards, the Perfectionist attacks you by saying that your
work or behavior isn’t good enough, which makes it hard to finish projects.
Sometimes the Perfectionist even makes it difficult to get started, as with
writer’s block. We will discuss this further in Chapter 4.

The Inner Controller

The Inner Controller tries to control your impulsive behavior, such as
overeating, becoming enraged, using drugs, or engaging in other indulgent
behavior. It shames you after you binge, use, or react with rage. It is usually in
a constant battle with an impulsive part of you. We will discuss this further in
the Eating Issues chapter.
The Taskmaster
The Taskmaster tries to get you to work hard in order to be successful.
It attempts to motivate you by telling you that you’re lazy, stupid, or
incompetent. It often gets into a battle with another part that procrastinates as
a way of avoiding work, so we will discuss this further in Chapter 2, on
Procrastination.
The Underminer
The Underminer tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-
esteem so you won’t take risks that might end in failure. It tells you that you’re
worthless and inadequate and that you’ll never amount to anything. It may also
try to prevent you from getting too big, powerful, or visible in order to avoid
the threat of attack and rejection. The Underminer is discussed further in
Chapter 5, on Depression.
The Destroyer
The Destroyer attacks your fundamental self-worth. It is deeply
shaming and tells you that you shouldn’t exist. You might experience the
Destroyer as a crushing force that wipes out your vitality or a pervasive
negative energy that stamps out any sign of creativity, spontaneity, or desire.
The Destroyer is discussed further in Chapter 5, on Depression.
The Guilt Tripper
The Guilt Tripper attacks you for something you did (or repeated
behavior) that harmed someone, especially someone you care about. This
Critic might also attack you for violating a deeply held value. It constantly
makes you feel bad and will never forgive you.
The Conformist
The Conformist tries to get you to fit a certain societal mold or act in a
certain way that is based on your family or cultural mores. This mold can be
any kind—caring, aggressive, outgoing, intellectual, or polite. This Critic
attacks you when you don’t fit into that mold and praises you when you do.
 You can take a quiz1 to help you determine which types of Inner Critics
are more troublesome for you.

Exercise: Which Critic Do You Have?

Think of a way that one of your Inner Critic parts attacks you.

Under what circumstances does it attack you?

What does it say to you?

Which of the seven types of Critics is it?

If you have another Critic, answer those questions for it, too.

In the Pattern System2, there is a dimension related to each of the

seven types of Inner Critics.
 Each row in this chart represents one dimension in the Pattern System.
A dimension represents an area of psychological functioning. Each of the
dimensions in this chart, except for the first, is based on one of the seven types
of Inner Critics, which is in the far left column of each row (the Tight
Patterns). The first dimension, the Self-Esteem Dimension, deals with the
Inner Critic Pattern in general before breaking it down into the seven types.
The patterns in the left column are called Tight Patterns because they
involved constricting who you are and making you feel uptight and bad about
yourself. The Loose Patterns, in the right column, are the opposites of the
Inner Critic Patterns in the left column. When you have one of those patterns
activated, you tend to be overly loose in your feelings and behavior in a way
that can get you in trouble.
The Order Capacities, in the left inner column, are the healthy
versions of the Inner Critic Patterns. They tend to provide order and stability
in your life and help you get things done in a conscientious way. For example,
in the Accomplishment Dimension, the healthy version of the Taskmaster is
Work Confidence, which involves confidently accomplishing tasks without
pushing or judging yourself. The Freedom Capacities, in the right inner
column, are the capacities that transform the Inner Critic Patterns. They allow
you the freedom to truly be yourself and feel good about yourself. For
example, in the Accomplishment Dimension, the capacity that transforms the
Taskmaster is Ease, which involves accomplishing tasks in an easy, relaxed
way.

Your Critics Are Unique

Each of your Inner Critic parts has its own unique characteristics. For
example, your Perfectionist won’t be the same as anyone else’s, and you might
have one Critic that has characteristics of both a Conformist and a Guilt
Tripper. Don’t pigeonhole your Critics according to these categories.
Discover the unique attributes of your own Critics using IFS. And feel free to
call each Inner Critic by its unique name rather than using these category
names.

Your Inner Critic Isn’t as Powerful and

Intimidating as It Seems
 When you become aware of how an Inner Critic Part is tearing you
down, you may want to ignore it, argue with it, or banish it. However, none of
these approaches are effective for very long. The Inner Critic will keep
popping up and attacking you. You usually can’t win an argument with a
Critic. And they can’t be banished for long.
The IFS approach is much more effective. An Inner Critic part is
actually an IFS protector, which means that it is trying to help you by
protecting you from pain or harm. A Critic usually does this in a hurtful and
distorted way, so it doesn’t really succeed in helping you, but nevertheless its
heart is in the right place—it is trying to protect you. This means that you can
use the IFS approach to get to know each Inner Critic and develop a trusting
relationship with it, which lays the groundwork for transforming it.
If an Inner Critic seems very powerful and threatening, you may be
frightened of it or devastated by its attacks. However, once you get to know a
Critic, your view of it may change radically. You may realize that it is actually
a frightened child part that is puffing itself up to intimidate you, but it really
can’t hurt you once you see through its facade.
Let’s look an example. Sarah was very frightened of her Inner Critic. It
screamed and yelled at her and crushed her with its powerful attacks. It told
her that she was worthless and would never amount to anything. She called
her Critic the Attacker and visualized it as a huge monster with great muscles
and a loud voice that was attacking her physically.
 However, when she worked with her Critic using IFS, she became
openly interested in getting to know the Attacker and discovered its positive
intent. Here is what the Attacker said to Sarah:

Attacking was a game in our family. They were all doing it, so I had to
do it, too, and I had to be good at it. If they were going to do that to me,
then I wanted to do it to myself first so they couldn’t do it to me worse.
This gave me the power of not being hurt by them. I was trying to
protect this child part (which Sarah called the Scared Kid) from being
hurt by them and from feeling all that hate and criticism from the family.
That was too painful, so if I hurt the Scared Kid instead, it wasn’t so
bad because I was the one hurting her—not the people she really wanted
love from.
 This information from the Attacker allowed Sarah to begin connecting
with it and gave her a different image of it.

Later in the session, when the Attacker was reluctant to give up its
role, I had Sarah explain that it had an impossible job trying to protect the
Scared Kid. It said, “It’s hard to believe that you could help the Scared Kid
when I couldn’t do it. It was my job. I had to be able to do it. I now realize
that I’m just this little kid, and I’m trying to protect this other kid.”
When Sarah and I heard this sentiment, we both had tears in our eyes.
The Attacker was actually a child part that was intent on protecting the Scared
Kid from pain. This is so different from the way we usually think of our
Critics. This understanding was moving for Sarah (as well as for me), and it
made it easy for her to feel compassion and caring for the Attacker. She saw
that the real Attacker had been revealed, like the little man behind the curtain
in The Wizard of Oz. And Sarah’s image of the Attacker changed. Now she
saw it as a frightened girl who was doing her best to act tough to prevent a
terrible tragedy.3
 The Inner Critic as Enforcer
One of the main reasons our Inner Critic parts judge us is to enforce
the certain kind of behavior they want from us. They may want us to be
perfect, hardworking, moderate, or cautious, for example. If a Taskmaster
Critic thinks it is important for you to always have your nose to the proverbial
grindstone, it will push you to overwork and attack you when you don’t.
However, if you are generally a conscientious, focused worker, then there
isn’t so much need for a Taskmaster Critic. You might very well have a
Taskmaster Part of you that works too hard, but it wouldn’t be a Critic; it
would just be an overworking part.
If you have a part that follows the rules, there is little need for a Critic
to enforce them. For example, if you have a Dieter part that is very careful
about the food you eat, there would be no need for an Inner Controller Critic
to attack you. The Dieter might be overly rigid, but if it doesn’t judge the way
you eat, it’s not a Critic.
This distinction highlights a very interesting characteristic of Inner
Critic parts: They don’t have the power to act in the world directly.
Therefore, they must judge us and push us in an attempt to enforce the way
they want us to act. If they had the power to act, they would just do it; they
wouldn’t have to criticize us. Isn’t it interesting that we think Inner Critics are
so powerful when they can’t really take action in the world? They certainly
have the power to hurt us, and they can try to get us to act in the world.
Consequently, they seem very intimidating. But their judgments derive from
their frustration at not being able to act and their difficulty in getting us to act
the way they want.
Imagine that you are a parent who has been able to get your child to
obey you for many years. But now he is a teenager, and he isn’t listening to
you anymore. What do you do? Unless you are pretty enlightened, you may
resort to judging this teen in an attempt to get him to act in ways that will be
best for him. Maybe you can sympathize with your Critics, who resort to
judging you because they have no power to act.
Because of the enforcer nature of Critics, one might suddenly judge
you when you make a change in your life. Suppose you have been very careful
about food all your adult life and have therefore never gotten any flak about
your eating from a Critic. Lately you have been working on loosening up, and
you are beginning to experiment with being more relaxed and less rigid about
food. You might get attacked by an Inner Controller Critic about this. Until this
point, it didn’t need to attack you because you were behaving in the way it
wanted. Now that you are changing, it has become activated in order to
enforce its view of how you should be.

Working with an Inner Critic

You use the regular IFS approach to working with an Inner Critic part,
with certain added complications. In this chapter, I will explain the special
knowledge that is needed to be successful.4
Accessing the Critic and Criticized Child
Whenever an Inner Critic part is active, there are actually two parts
involved. In addition to the Critic (which is a protector), there is an exile
(which I call the Criticized Child) that is receiving the Critic’s judgments,
believing them, and feeling bad about itself. Or if the Critic is telling you how
to behave or not behave, the Criticized Child accepts these rules and tries to
live by them, no matter how constricting and harmful that is.
In the first step of the IFS process5, most people access an Inner Critic
part by listening to its attacking words or seeing an image of it. For example,
Sarah’s Critic said that she was worthless, and she had an image of it as a
huge monster (see image a few pages back).
You can also access parts through body sensations or emotions.
However, when you access an Inner Critic part in this way, you might feel
hurt, depressed, or hopeless—perhaps your chest is collapsed or there is a
weight on your shoulders or pain in your heart. These sensations are coming
from the vulnerable Criticized Child, not the Critic. If you access the Inner
Critic through emotions, you might feel angry or judgmental toward yourself.
It is useful to access the feelings and sensations of the Child, but don’t confuse
them with those of the Critic.

Therapist Note
If your client accesses his or her Criticized Child when trying to work
with his or her Inner Critic, explain that this is the Criticized Child, not the
Critic, and ask the client to find his or her Inner Critic and focus on it. Even if
the client is drawn to help his or her Criticized Child, it is usually better to
work with the Critic first. This goes along with the general IFS guideline to
work with protectors first.

Unblending from the Inner Critic and Criticized Child6

 When a part is blended with you, it means that it has taken over the
seat of consciousness, where the Self naturally resides, and has pushed the
Self out of the way.7 You experience the feelings of the part, and you think that
the part’s beliefs are true. When a Critic is judging you, you may be blended
with the Critic, with the Criticized Child, or both. When you are blended with
the Critic, you feel judgmental toward yourself. When you are blended with
the Criticized Child, you feel worthless, inadequate, or bad about yourself.
You can also be blended with both of them at the same time, in which case,
you will feel self-critical and bad about yourself. Here is an illustration of
this. The Critic and the Child are in the seat of consciousness, and the Self has
been pushed behind it.

When you get to the unblending step, make sure to unblend from both
the Critic and the Child, if necessary. This unblending can sometimes be
accomplished by simply recognizing that the bad feeling you have about
yourself isn’t the truth but rather the result of Inner Critic attacks. You can also
unblend from the Critic in the way you would unblend from any other
protector—by asking it to separate from you so you can get to know it or by
stepping back from it internally.
 Here is an illustration of unblending from both the Critic and the
Child. They have stepped aside, and the Self resides in the seat of
consciousness, shining the flashlight of awareness on them.

To help the Criticized Child unblend, take a few moments to access a

nurturing side of you—an aspect of Self or a caring part of you. Now focus on
the sad, painful feelings that are coming from the Criticized Child. Let it know
that you understand its hurt and feel compassion for it. Give the Child some
time to take in your caring. Then ask the Child if it would be willing to step
aside into a safe place where you will protect it from the Critic. Explain that
you (as Self) will be connecting with the Critic, and you won’t allow the
Critic to attack the Child. Having the Child step aside will allow you to get to
know the Critic from the place of Self. In this illustration, the Child is being
taken care of by a nurturing part while the Self is focusing on getting to know
the Critic.
 Here is how I helped Sarah unblend from her Criticized Child:
Jay: Check to see how you’re feeling toward the Attacker right now.
Sarah: Well, I’m really scared of it.
J: OK, that probably means that you’re blended with the Scared Kid.
So ask the Kid if it would be willing to step aside into a safe place. And let it
know that we’re going to work with the Attacker to understand it and connect
with it. And we’re not going to let it do more attacking. We’re going to try to
connect with it. See if the Scared Kid would be willing to step aside for you
to do that.
S: Yeah, so now it has stepped aside.

Exercise: Unblending from the Inner Critic and

Criticized Child
 Choose an Inner Critic to work with. Work on unblending from this
Critic and from the Criticized Child.

What does your Inner Critic say to you?

What does your Critic look, sound, or feel like?

What did it take to unblend from the Critic?

What does the Criticized Child look, souond, or feel like?

What did you do to unblend from the Criticized Child?

Did you have any problems unblending from either of them?

Unblending from the Inner Defender8

In the next step, check to see how you are feeling toward the Critic to
determine whether or not you are in Self with respect to it. Being genuinely
open to your Inner Critic is not easy. It has been causing you pain, so it is
natural for you to be angry with it. It is understandable if you judge it and want
to be rid of it. However, approaching the Critic (or any part) with these
attitudes won’t lead to changing it.
These attitudes aren’t coming from your Self; they are coming from
another part of you that I call the Inner Defender because it wants to defend
you from the Critic. This is a type of concerned part.9 Often the Inner
Defender feels judgmental and angry toward the Critic. It may try to dismiss
the Critic or even banish it from your psyche. But you can’t get rid of a part,
and the Critic usually fights back against attempts to dismiss it.10
Sometimes your Inner Defender argues with the Inner Critic. If the
Critic says that you are worthless, the Defender tries to prove that you are a
good person. If the Critic says you can’t succeed, the Defender argues that you
can. It wants to engage with the Critic and defend your goodness and your
right to be yourself. It wants to fight against being controlled by the Critic. For
example, Sarah had an Inner Defender that was angry and rebellious toward
her Critic and wanted to convince the Critic that she was a valuable person
who could make it in the world. While it makes sense that your Inner
Defender wants to champion you, engaging with the Critic in this way usually
doesn’t work. The Critic often wins the argument, or, if your Inner Defender
wins for the moment, the Critic may redouble its attacks later. In addition, this
approach creates inner conflict.
You could have more than one Inner Defender part—for example, one
that argues with the Critic and one that hates the Critic and wants to get rid of
it.
If your Inner Critic tells you how to behave or not behave, then you
might also have an Inner Rebel. This is similar to the Inner Defender except
that its concern is inner autonomy. It doesn’t want to be pushed around by an
Inner Critic, so it defies the Critic. It says, “Don’t tell me what to do.” Even if
the Critic’s ideas are good for you, the Inner Rebel may go against them in
order to preserve its sense of personal power. This can make it difficult to
follow through on disciplines needed for health, exercise, or spiritual growth.
Now let’s discuss how to unblend from the Inner Defender (or Rebel).
Just as with any concerned part, you ask it to step aside so you can get to
know the Critic from an open place. However, your Inner Defender may be
reluctant to do this because it knows how much pain the Critic has been
causing you. The way around this is to explain to the Inner Defender that the
Critic is trying to help and protect you, even if you don’t yet understand how.
Then ask if the Defender would be willing to step aside and allow you to get
to know the Critic so you can discover its positive intent. When the Inner
Defender has stepped aside, you will be open to getting to know the Critic
from its perspective.
Let’s return to Sarah. At first she was angry at her Critic—the Attacker
—and wanted to get rid of it because it caused her so much fear and pain.
Clearly she wasn’t in Self. She was blended with her Inner Defender, which
she called the Blamer. Here is an illustration of that, where the Blamer, which
is a kind of rebel, has taken over the Seat of Consciousness.
 Sarah needed to get the Blamer to step aside so she could be open to
the Attacker.
S: Yeah, we don’t like it. We don’t like being criticized all the time …
so a feeling of resentment toward the Critic comes out.
J: Ask the Blamer if it would be willing to step aside so you can work
with the Attacker in a way that will help the Attacker let go of its critical role.
The Blamer didn’t want to step aside because it confused the Attacker
with Sarah’s mother, whom it had never stood up do.
J: Well, you might explain to the Blamer that the Attacker is different
from your mother. It may be modeled after your mother, but the Attacker is
actually a part of you. It’s actually trying to help you, in its own distorted way.
See if the Blamer might be willing to step aside and let you connect with the
Attacker to help it let go.
S: Yup. That works.
 This illustration shows how the Blamer has stepped aside so Sarah’s
Self can begin to get to know the Attacker.

Exercise: Unblending from the Inner Defender

Continue with the Inner Critic from the previous exercise. Work on
unblending from your Inner Defender that fights this Critic. If you have more
than one Inner Defender, unblend from each one.

What does your Inner Defender say to the Critic?

What does the Inner Defender look, sound, or feel like?

What did you do to unblend from the Inner Defender?

Did you have any problems unblending from it?

Getting to Know the Critic11
You get to know the Critic in the same way that you would any
protector. You ask it questions about its role, especially these two:

1. What are you trying to accomplish by judging (shaming, doubting,

controlling, and so on) me?

2. What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t judge me?

A difficulty is that Critics are more likely to mistrust you and not
really answer your questions at first. Sometimes a Critic will say that it isn’t
trying to accomplish anything. “You are just a loser (or worthless, or
whatever), and I just want you to know that.” Don’t accept this. Critics are
never just giving you information about your shortcomings. They always have
a reason for attacking you. Ask your Critic to answer your question about its
motivation for criticizing you.
If a Critic doesn’t tell you about its motivation, it often means that the
Critic doesn’t believe that you truly want to get to know it. It believes that you
just want to overpower it or get rid of it. This belief isn’t all that surprising,
because there are probably parts of you that do want to get rid of it—namely,
your Inner Defender parts. In fact, often those parts have been quite actively
trying to combat the Critic. It’s no wonder the Critic isn’t ready to trust you
easily.
Make sure that you are truly in Self with the Critic, and be persistent
in asking it to answer your questions. The Critic will eventually come around.

Developing a Trusting Relationship with the Critic12

Discovering the Critic’s positive motivation isn’t enough. It is also
important to connect with the Critic fully enough that it trusts that you
appreciate its efforts and roughly share its goals. Most of the time, the Critic
has a faulty and damaging strategy for reaching its goals (namely, judging
you), but the goals themselves are often quite valid.
 When you genuinely connect with the Critic and it trusts you, it is much
more likely to relax its need to judge you. It may actually listen when you tell
it that the judgments are causing serious problems for the Criticized Child.
The Critic is likely to be interested in better strategies for achieving its goals
—ones that don’t harm your self-esteem.
In many cases, the Critic has been a pariah in your internal system,
hated by other parts because of the pain it causes. It often feels isolated and
(ironically) judged by other parts. Or it may be involved in constant conflict
with your Inner Defender. So when you connect with the Critic, it often feels
touched and relieved that its positive intent is finally recognized. And this
may help relieve some of the constant internal conflict you have been suffering
from.
Once you understand what your Critic has been trying to do for you,
check to see if you appreciate it for trying to protect you and help you. Even if
you don’t like the pain that the Critic has been causing, perhaps you can see
that its heart is in the right place. It is helpful to appreciate the Critic’s intent
even if you don’t appreciate its effect. This is a crucial shift. When you are
open to the Critic in this way, you may see that it isn’t just a powerful, nasty
part after all. Your visual image of it may shift into something quite different,
as happened with Sarah.
When you feel appreciation for the Critic, communicate that directly to
the Critic through words or through your heart. This is important in connecting
with the Critic. Once you have done so, check to see how the Critic is
responding. Find out whether you have reached the Critic, whether it is taking
in your appreciation, and whether it now trusts you. Proceed with whatever
additional work is needed to solidify your relationship with the Critic.
Here is a transcript from George’s session that illustrates this
approach. George had gotten to know his Critic, which he called the Slave
Driver.
Jay: Do you have some appreciation for the Slave Driver’s efforts on
your behalf?
George: Yes, I actually do now. I see that it has really been trying to
help me in this weird way.
J: OK. So let the Slave Driver know about your appreciation of it.
G: (laughs) It says, “It’s about time that somebody saw me. You’ve
been beating me up and trying to get rid of me for so long.” Actually, I told the
Slave Driver that I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that it was trying to help me.
 J: And how is it responding to you?
G: It’s softening now. It’s feeling relieved not to have to fight all those
other parts in order to do its job. It says, “Somebody had to do this job.
Somebody had to get you going, and no one else was doing it, so I had to. And
then you hated me. And all these other parts tried to beat me up.”
J: So it has been getting flak for doing the job it felt had to be done.
G: Yeah.
J: How is it responding to your appreciation?
G: It says, “This feels a lot better.”

Help Sheet: Getting to Know Your Inner Critic

This Help Sheet can be used to guide you in working on yourself or
facilitating a practice partner.

P1. Accessing the Critic

If the Critic is not activated, imagine it judging you.
Get an image of it and hear what it says to you.

P2a. Unblending from the Inner Critic

Remember that this is just a message from the Critic and not the truth.
Ask the Critic to unblend so you can get to know it.

P2b. Unblending from the Criticized Child

Listen to the Criticized Child’s pain with compassion from Self.
Supply a nurturing part of you to comfort the exile.
Explain that you won’t allow the Critic to attack it.
Ask the Child to go into a safe place so you can help both it and the Critic.

P3. Unblending from the Inner Defender

Check to see how you feel toward the Critic right now.
If you feel compassionate, curious, and so on, then you are in Self-leadership;
move on to P4.
If you don’t, unblend from the Inner Defender as follows:

Ask if it would be willing to step aside (or relax) just for now so you
can get to know the Critic part from an open place. Explain that doing
 this will help you to connect with the Critic and help it to change, and
that you won’t let the Critic take over and attack.

If the Defender is willing to step aside, check again to see how you feel
toward the Critic, and repeat.

If it still won’t step aside, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did,
and reassure it about its fears.

P4. Finding Out About the Critic

Ask the Critic what it is trying to accomplish by judging you.
Ask what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t.
Sense what exile it is trying to protect.

P5. Developing a Trusting Relationship with the Critic

You can foster trust by saying the following to the Critic (if true).
I understand what you are trying to do.
I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.
 Exercise: Getting to Know an Inner Critic
Continue with the Inner Critic from the previous exercise. Get to know
it and its positive intent for you. Develop a trusting relationship with it.

What is your Critic trying to get for you?

What is your Critic afraid would happen if it didn’t judge you?

What exile(s) might it be protecting?

How did you contribute to developing a trusting relationship with this Critic?

Did the Critic have trouble trusting you?

If so, what did you do to gain its trust?

Healing the Protected Child

Since an Inner Critic is an IFS protector, it isn’t likely to completely
let go of its critical role until you heal the exile it is protecting. So just as with
any protector, you must get permission to work with the exile and heal it. Then
the Critic is much more likely to relax and stop judging you. It may even
transform into an Inner Mentor (see below).
The exile that the Critic is protecting might be the Criticized Child, but
it also might be a different exile, which I call the Protected Child.
The following is an example of the Protected Child. Annie, a client,
had an Inner Critic that was triggered whenever she wanted to speak up in a
social setting. It told her she was stupid and useless and that people would
laugh at her if she tried to say anything. If she did speak, it would attack her
afterward, telling her that what she had said was wrong and dumb. As a
result, her Criticized Child part felt stupid and inadequate. This Inner Critic
attacked her in an effort to prevent her from speaking and therefore being
visible in the group. She had been physically abused as a child, and this Critic
was afraid that if she made herself visible by speaking up, she would get
abused again. So Annie’s Protected Child was an exile that was physically
abused, while her Criticized Child was an exile that felt stupid.
To summarize, the Criticized Child is the exile who is hurt by the
Critic’s attacks, while the Protected Child is the exile whom the Critic is
protecting by attacking you.
Sometimes the Criticized Child and the Protected Child are the same
exile. Recall Sarah’s Critic (the Attacker) and her Criticized Child (the
Scared Kid). The Attacker was bashing the Scared Kid to prevent it from
being attacked by her parents. It was trying to protect the very same exile that
it was hurting.
Once you have gotten to know a Critic and developed a trusting
relationship with it, ask its permission to work with the Protected Child, and
go through the normal steps for healing an exile.13 Then come back to the
Critic14 and see if it is aware of the work you did and how that exile is now
transformed and feeling safe, happy, strong, confident, and so on. If the Critic
wasn’t paying attention, introduce it to the transformed exile so it realizes that
the exile is OK and no longer needs its protection. Then ask if the Critic still
feels a need to criticize you. If it says that it still does, take its response
seriously. It may be protecting more than one exile, in which case you will
need to heal all of them before it will let go. Or it may not trust that the exile
is truly healed. The Critic may need some more time to be sure of this, or it
may need something else. Take care of whatever it needs.
If the Critic says it no longer needs to be critical, ask if it would like
to choose a different role in your psyche or if it would like to just take a
vacation. Either one is fine. Let it choose. Once the Critic has let go of its
judgmental role, the Criticized Child will no longer be hurt by the Critic.

Exercise: Healing the Protected Child

Choose an Inner Critic that you have gotten to know and that trusts you.
Go through the steps to heal the exile it is protecting. Then see if the Critic can
let go of its critical role.

What Critic did you choose?

What was its positive intent?

Which exile was it protecting?

What happened in healing this exile?

If you succeeded in healing the exile, was the Critic willing to let go of its
role?

If not, what else did the Critic need in order to do that?

Introducing the Criticized Child to the Critic

Here is a quicker way to transform the Critic that sometimes works.
Let’s assume that you have gotten to know a Critic and have formed a trusting
relationship with it, but you haven’t yet healed the Protected Child. Perhaps
you had a traumatic childhood, so healing the Child will take a while. Maybe
you have a situation coming up soon in which your Critic is likely to be
activated, and you don’t have time to go through the healing process with the
Child first.
As you’ve learned, many Inner Critic parts are paradoxically causing
the very pain that they are trying to prevent. In fact, often they are causing far
more pain than what they are protecting against. They are stuck in the past,
when there was real danger or harm, and they are doing their best to prevent it
from happening now. They don’t realize that you are an adult in a better
situation with many more capacities and supports. The only way they know
how to protect you is to criticize you, and they have no clue about the pain this
criticism is causing. You can change this situation by making your Critic
aware of the impact of its criticism.
First access the Criticized Child and get to know it, as you would with
any exile.15 You especially want to get clear on how the Child is being hurt by
the Inner Critic’s attacks. Then ask the Critic if it would be willing to get to
know the Criticized Child. If it is reluctant, ask what it is afraid of and
reassure it about its fears.
If it is willing, introduce the Child to the Inner Critic, and have the
Child show the Critic the pain that it is feeling. Ask the Child to explain how
the Critic has been causing this pain. Then ask the Critic if it was aware of the
pain it was causing the Child.
Your Critic might say something like, “Oh. I didn’t know I was causing
pain. That’s not what I intended. I was just trying to help you not be judged by
people.” Ask the Critic how it feels now that it knows what has really been
happening. It may say that it is sorry to be hurting the Child.
This approach will be most successful if you truly appreciate the
Critic’s positive intent and the Critic realizes that you do. That way, it isn’t as
likely to feel shamed by realizing that it has been causing the Child pain.
In some cases, the Critic is not only causing the Child pain, but it is
also provoking the very behavior that it is trying to prevent. For example, an
Inner Controller Critic might be trying to prevent you from overeating by
judging the Child. However, its judgments are making the Child feel ashamed
and depressed, which is causing a protector to turn to food to dull the pain.
 Ask the Critic to notice that it is causing this unwanted behavior. This
information will give it even more motivation to stop its attacks. Now ask the
Critic if it might be willing to relax and decrease its judgments. It will often
agree.
If it isn’t ready to shift, ask the Critic what it is afraid would happen if
it let go of judging. It may still feel that its protection is necessary. When you
find out what it is afraid of that makes it judge you, reassure it about these
concerns. If the Critic is willing, see if it wants to choose another role in your
psyche. Perhaps it would be willing to modulate its statements to a more
benign form and become an Inner Mentor (see below).
Introducing the Child to the Critic is useful either before or after the
Child has been healed (or partially healed). Sometimes the Inner Critic can’t
let go of its judgmental role even after the Child has been healed. In this case,
introducing the wounded Child to the Critic can facilitate this process.
Introducing the Child to the Critic doesn’t work with all Critics. Some
Critics already know they are harming the Child. For example, Underminer
Critics hurt the Criticized Child purposely to undermine your self-confidence
so you won’t take risks that they think are dangerous. For these Critics, this
introduction won’t be effective.

Exercise: Introducing the Critic to the Criticized

Child
Choose an Inner Critic that you have gotten to know and that trusts you.
Make sure it isn’t an Underminer. Introduce it to the Criticized Child and have
the Child explain how it gets hurt by the Critic. See if this prompts the Critic
to let go of its role.

Which Critic did you choose?

Which Child does it criticize?

When you introduced them, what was the Critic’s response?

Can the Critic now let go of its critical role?

If not, what is in the way?

Your Inner Champion

 There is another way to help yourself deal with Inner Critic attacks.
The Inner Champion is an aspect of the Self that Bonnie Weiss and I have
identified that supports you and helps you feel better about yourself. It
encourages you to be who you truly are rather than fitting into the box your
Inner Critic creates for you. It is like a magic bullet for dealing with the
negative impacts of your Inner Critic. You can think of your Inner Champion
as the ideal supportive parent that you always wished you had. It helps you
see the positive truth about yourself instead of the negative lies from the Inner
Critic.
This section will help you get in touch with your Champion so you can
evoke it when you need it during an Inner Critic attack.16
George, a client, learned to activate his Inner Champion when his
Slave Driver Critic was judging him and pushing him to work harder. His
Champion said to him:

• You can trust yourself to do a good job at work.

• I accept you just the way you are.

• You can accomplish what is needed without stress.

• You have the right to a relaxed work life.

• You can be a very successful and valued employee without exhausting

yourself.

• You have the right to work reasonable hours so you can enjoy the rest
of your life.

Hearing these statements helped George feel confident and relaxed at work
and take time for his family and leisure activities.
 Earlier I introduced the Inner Defender, the part of you that argues
with your Inner Critic and tries to convince it that you really are a good
person. The Inner Champion is the healthy version of the Inner Defender. It
doesn’t fight with the Inner Critic, though it may set some limits on the Critic
in a mature way. The main thing your Inner Champion does is support you
(and your Criticized Child) in the face of the Critic’s attacks. It helps you feel
self-confident not by fighting with the Critic but rather by supporting and
encouraging you. This way doesn’t lead to inner discord. Your Inner
Champion helps you feel good about yourself and be free to be yourself.
The Inner Champion is like an ideal parent; the Inner Defender is more
like a rebellious teenager. The Inner Champion creates space from the Inner
Critic attacks; the Inner Defender constricts you to protect against hurt. The
Inner Champion implicitly acknowledges the Criticized Child and becomes a
resource for it.
 The Inner Champion can set limits on the Critic by making statements
such as:

• Now is not a good time for this.

• Your judgments are making things more difficult.

• Please step aside right now; your attitude is causing problems.

• I know you want to protect, but your approach isn’t working.

Here are examples of other kinds of Inner Champion statements.

• I completely accept you no matter what.

• I care about you.

• You have accomplished many valuable things in your life.

• I appreciate your qualities and capacities.

• You have a lot to offer people and the world.

• I value you just for being you.

• You are beautiful and whole just the way you are.

• You already are everything you need to be right now.

• You can trust yourself.

• Your struggles just represent where you are now in your growth.

• You can do it.

• I support you in whatever you take on.

 • You are doing well. You are on your way.

• I want you to have your heart’s desire in life.

• I’m proud of you.

• You will discover what it is you are meant to do.

• You have the right to be yourself and do things your way.

• You have the right to take your time and do things at your own pace.

• You can overcome whatever obstacles are in your path.

• You can find supportive people in your life.

There is a version of the Inner Champion for each type of Critic.

Whenever you are under attack from an Inner Critic, activate the specific Inner
Champion you need to help you with this Critic, and have it say whichever
statements will be most helpful in supporting you in this case.

Exercise: Activating Your Inner Champion

Choose an Inner Critic. Think of common situations in which it attacks
you. Get an image of the ideal Inner Champion to deal with this Critic. Think
about what you would like to hear from this Inner Champion in these
situations.

Which Critic did you choose?

In which situations does it attack you?

What does your Inner Champion look like?

What do you want your Inner Champion to say to you?

 When this Inner Critic gets activated in your life, evoke the image of
your Inner Champion. Imagine this figure saying positive Inner Champion
statements to you.

What situation caused your Critic to attack you?

What did your Inner Champion say to you?

How did this affect you?

Cultivating Your Inner Mentor

Our Inner Critics are trying to perform a function that is necessary in
our psyches. We all need the ability to look at ourselves realistically to see
how we need to change and improve. It helps to be aware of the ways we act
that aren’t aligned with our values. We need to be able to see when we are
hurting someone unnecessarily or when we aren’t living up to our potential.
We must recognize when we are doing something dangerous or compromising
to our health or when we are being shortsighted because of a need for
immediate gratification. The problem is that the Inner Critic performs this
function in a way that undermines our self-esteem and self-confidence. And
sometimes it criticizes us in ways that are simply false.
However, there can be a grain of truth in the judgments of a Critic and
even times when its judgments are completely accurate and contain wisdom
we have been ignoring. In these cases, the problem isn’t the content of the
Critic’s judgment but rather the harsh, nasty, condemning way that judgment is
delivered. The message doesn’t have to be expressed this way; there is
another option.
It is possible to have a gentler and wiser voice inside—a voice I call
the Inner Mentor,17 which is a healthy version of the Critic. It performs this
necessary self-critical function in our psyches in a helpful way, whereas the
Critic does it in a destructive way. When you have done the IFS work and
your Critic has transformed, it often becomes an Inner Mentor.
 Suppose you are a parent and your child doesn’t clean up his room the
way you asked him to. If you act like an Inner Critic, you might say in a harsh,
loud voice, “What a mess! You’re so dumb. Can’t you do anything right?”
However, if you instead act like an Inner Mentor, you might say in a kind,
supportive voice, “Honey, that’s not quite what I was looking for. Let me
show you how to clean up a room. Let’s do it together.”
This is how your Inner Mentor can treat you—with love and
acceptance. It can also help you clearly see when your behavior isn’t aligned
with who you want to be, and it will help you take action to change.
You can cultivate these two helpful presences inside you—your Inner
Champion and your Inner Mentor.

The Inner Criticism Dimension

The Pattern System18 is a detailed and comprehensive personality
system that includes a dimension for each important area of psychological
functioning. Each dimension contains two (or more) problematic patterns and
two (or more) healthy capacities. The following is a chart of the Inner Critic
Dimension showing these parts.
 This chart shows how the Inner Critic is polarized with the Inner
Defender/Inner Rebel, shown by the two-way arrow between them. On the
other hand, the healthy capacities—the Inner Mentor and Inner Champion—
are integrated and work together. This is shown by putting them in a yin-yang
symbol. The Inner Champion is the healthy version of the Inner
Defender/Rebel, and the Inner Mentor is the healthy version of the Inner
Critic. The Inner Champion helps transform the Critic, and the Inner Mentor
helps transform the Inner Defender/Rebel.
At the bottom of the graphic, you can see that the Criticized Child is
protected by the Inner Defender/Rebel and harmed by the Inner Critic. And the
Protected Child is protected by the Inner Critic. In those cases where the
Criticized and Protected Child are the same, the Critic is both protecting and
harming that Child.

Summary
 This chapter has presented the basics of how to transform an Inner
Critic using IFS. For more details, applications, and stories, see Freedom
from Your Inner Critic. To learn more about the different types of Critics and
their corresponding Inner Champions, see Activating Your Inner Champion
Instead of Your Inner Critic. I have also developed an online tool, Self-
Therapy Journey,19 for personal growth and psychological healing, which
contains modules for the Inner Critic plus five of the specific types of Inner
Critics—Taskmaster, Perfectionist, Food Controller, Underminer, and
Destroyer.
 Chapter 2
Procrastination
Do you find yourself avoiding important tasks? Is it hard for you to
make decisions and take action to move your life ahead? When you are faced
with a project you have decided to work on, do you get distracted or busy
with other tasks? Is it difficult for you to discipline yourself to exercise,
meditate, or eat well? If you answered yes to some of these questions, you are
one of the many people struggling with procrastination.
Procrastination usually happens out of awareness, except for those
situations where you sit down to do a task and can’t bring yourself to get
started. If you are a procrastinator, you probably don’t decide not to do a task
that needs to be done. You just go along with your life, and after a while you
realize that you haven’t done the task. You may get distracted with other
things. You may get lost in thought. You might spend time online, relaxing,
partying, having fun. You might work hard doing things that are less important
than the task you are avoiding. Or you may simply forget about the task.

Working with the Procrastinator and Taskmaster

This avoidance is caused by a Procrastinator Part, which is a
protector, but you may not be aware of your Procrastinator. Therefore, the first
step in doing IFS on procrastination is to discover this part and access it.20
Here is one way to do this. Remember what it feels like when you are
procrastinating. I don’t mean what you feel when you realize that you have
been procrastinating. That usually comes from a different part—a part that is
upset with you for procrastinating. I am referring to the feelings you have
when you are avoiding a task—when you are getting distracted, doing
nonessential tasks, putting off the important task, or feeling stuck and unable to
get started. Or what it would feel like if you checked in with your experience
right before procrastinating.
 Tune in to that experience of avoidance. You may feel an emotion, an
impulse, a fear, or a sense of wanting to avoid. Notice what this feels like in
your body. Get a sense of the part of you that is avoiding; you might see an
image of that part.
You work on this part just the way you would work on any other
protector in IFS. First you unblend from it, if necessary.21 Then you unblend
from any concerned parts.22 It can get dicey during this step, so let me explain
further. When you check to see how you feel toward the Procrastinator Part,
you may realize that you are judging the Procrastinator Part and wanting to get
rid of it. This indicates that you are blended with a type of part that I call the
Taskmaster, which may be angry at you (and specifically at your
Procrastinator) for procrastinating. The Taskmaster is a type of Inner Critic
(see Chapter 1 of this book) that pushes you to work hard and judges you
harshly if you don’t. When you are procrastinating, your Taskmaster will work
very hard to overcome the Procrastination and get you to take action.
 You can ask the Taskmaster to step aside, but it may not be willing to
do so if it is strongly polarized with the Procrastinator. These parts may be
fighting over taking action. Not only is the Taskmaster probably feeling angry
and judgmental toward the Procrastinator, but the Procrastinator may be
rebelling against your Taskmaster. It may be saying, “Don’t tell me what to
do! You push me so hard to work all the time that you make my life miserable.
So I have to fight back just to get some space to relax and enjoy life. Leave me
alone!” You may have to work through this polarization in addition to working
on your Procrastinator Part.
If you have a polarization between your Taskmaster and
Procrastinator, it is a good idea to focus on the Taskmaster first. Go through
all the steps in getting to know your Taskmaster. Since this is an Inner Critic
Part, follow the steps in Chapter 1 for working with Critics. Once you have
gotten to know the Taskmaster and it trusts you, it will probably be willing to
step aside and allow you to get to know your Procrastinator.
Now focus on getting to know your Procrastinator Part. You especially
want to find out what it is afraid would happen if it allowed you to do the task
it is avoiding. It may be afraid that you will fail at the task, which could lead
to being judged, shamed, rejected, or abandoned. It also might be afraid that if
you take on the task, you will become visible, successful, or powerful and, as
a result, be attacked, rejected, or abandoned. Or it might be afraid that if you
take on the task, you will look foolish and be ridiculed. These fears are
usually overblown because they come from childhood, not from a realistic
assessment of what might happen in your current situation. Your Procrastinator
is trying to protect an exile who is carrying pain from what happened in
childhood.
The fear of failure may be especially strong if you have a
Perfectionist Part that judges you whenever anything you produce isn’t
perfect. The Perfectionist is another type of Inner Critic; it demands that you
produce perfect work and judges you if you don’t. (See Chapter 5 in this
book.) When we first start working on something, our work is never perfect or
even close to it. This is not a problem unless you have a Perfectionist Part that
is afraid to let you produce anything that isn’t perfect. Because of the fear of
being attacked by your Perfectionist Part, your Procrastinator may avoid
producing anything at all. This is usually what is behind writer’s block and
similar syndromes.
Once you have uncovered the fears of the Procrastinator, these will
point to the exile or exiles it is protecting. If your Procrastinator is afraid of
failure, it is probably protecting an exile who was labeled a failure when you
were a child and judged or shamed for this. If your Procrastinator is afraid of
being visible, successful, or powerful, it is probably protecting an exile who
was attacked or rejected when you were a child when you were visible or
because people were threatened by your power or success. If the
Procrastinator is afraid of looking foolish or being attacked, it is probably
protecting an exile who was ridiculed, yelled at, or physically abused as a
child.
Once you have developed a trusting relationship with your
Procrastinator, ask for its permission to work with the exile(s) it is protecting.
Then go through the IFS steps for working with and healing an exile.23 Once
these exiles are healed and are feeling whole and safe, your Procrastinator
will probably be willing to let go of its avoidance. Make sure the
Procrastinator is aware of the work you have done and how the exile has been
transformed, and then ask whether it still needs to procrastinate or whether it
can now let go. When it lets go, this allows you to function from your Work
Confidence Capacity.
To the extent that you have the Work Confidence Capacity, you can
accomplish tasks efficiently but without stress or pressure. You have
confidence that you can do tasks well and be successful in your endeavors.
You can keep track of things you need to do, stay focused, and set priorities.
You can follow through on disciplines that you set up for health, exercise,
diet, or spiritual development. You can make decisions about your goals and
the larger direction of your life. You aren’t afraid of being visible, successful,
or powerful.

Exercise: Working Through Procrastination

Remember what it feels like when you are avoiding a task that needs
to be done. Use that experience to access your Procrastinator Part. Go through
the usual IFS steps to get to know this protector and find out what it is afraid
would happen if it allowed you to do the task. Then heal the exile(s) it is
protecting and see if it can then let go of procrastination.

Which part is procrastinating?

What is it afraid of?

Which exile(s) is it protecting?

Were you able to heal its exile(s)?

If you did heal them, did this permit the Procrastinator to let go?

If not, what is in the way?

Follow up in the situations in your life when you usually procrastinate,

and make sure to reassure the Procrastinator that it can let go. Focus on doing
the task.

What happened in those situations?

In addition to discovering the Procrastinator’s fears, you also want to

find out if it is rebelling against your Taskmaster, as I mentioned above. Or it
could be rebelling against someone in your life who is trying to get you to
accomplish tasks or work hard. This Rebel Pattern can make the polarization
even more intense. The following graphic shows the Accomplishment
Dimension of the Pattern System, which includes the patterns and capacities
we have been discussing. It also includes the Ease Capacity, which
transforms the Taskmaster and Perfectionist Patterns. (See Chapter 4 for how
to work with Perfectionism.) Ease means working in a flowing, relaxed way
while still producing excellent work.
 The Procrastinator/Rebel is polarized with the
Taskmaster/Perfectionist. The healthy capacities of Ease and Work
Confidence can be integrated for excellent work habits. The Procrastination
and Rebel Patterns are dysfunctional versions of Ease that involve avoiding
necessary tasks in order to have fun and relaxation in your life. The
Taskmaster and Perfectionist Patterns are dysfunctional versions of Work
Confidence that involve attempting to work well by pushing yourself too hard.
If you have the Procrastination/Rebel Patterns, you need Work Confidence to
transform them. If you have a Taskmaster or Perfectionist Pattern, you need
Ease to transform it.
In order to overcome your procrastination, in addition to getting to
know your Taskmaster and Procrastinator, you may want to get these parts to
learn how to cooperate with each other through a depolarization dialogue.24
Here is an example how this can work.

Procrastination Depolarization Dialogue

This is the transcript of a session with Nancy in a polarization class,
showing the dialogue between a Procrastinator and a Taskmaster. The goal is
to help the parts to have a true dialogue in which each one is listening to the
other, not just taking a stand, and they are attempting to cooperate.
Nancy had worked on a conflict around her work as a freelance
jewelry maker in a previous demo in this class, so she wasn’t starting from
scratch with these parts. This allowed us to move right to the dialogue.
N: There basically seem to be three parts. It’s like a three-way
polarization, but two of them are on one side, and one is on the other side. So
there’s the exile, which is the Kid who wants to just go with every thought, be
spontaneous, have fun, play. And not be boxed in by plans and schedules and
having to work.
Then there’s the active Procrastinator, which acts out on the Kid’s
desires by avoiding work and trying to have fun. They are polarized with a
part that says, “You have to work. Work is real. You have to go make the stuff.
You have to ship it out. You have to stop procrastinating.” It’s a heavy-handed
Work Ethic Part. It’s polarized with the side that includes the Kid and the
Procrastinator.
A polarization can contain more than two parts. There can be any
number of parts on each side.
J: OK, and you say they have already been dialoguing.
N: Yeah, they have been dialoguing a number of times.
J: Do you feel you’ve made a good connection with each of them?
N: Yeah, when I have the dialogues, there’s a reasonable amount of
understanding all the way around between the parts. I understand the
intelligence of the parts and the reactivity of the parts. I see the intelligence of
the Kid, the Procrastinator, and the Work Ethic one. I can see what they each
have to offer.
I next have her get permission from all three parts for the dialogue.
This was easy to get since she had previously connected with each of the
parts. (The actual dialogue is not shown.)
J: And do you want to do this dialogue internally or externally?
N: I’ve got to do it externally.
J: So set up four chairs, one for each of those three parts plus one for
Self.
N: OK. I have three chairs and a table. The Kid can sit on the table.
J: Any one of them can start. So whichever one wants to start, just sit
in that part’s chair and speak to the part or parts on the other side of the
polarization.
 N: So I’m in the chair of the Work Ethic Part, and I’m speaking to the
Kid and the Procrastinator. “I’m tired of the battle we get into every day, but I
really feel at a loss to give up my position because stores are calling in with
lots of orders, even in these times of economic difficulty. That seems really
wonderful, and these orders really need to get done in a timely way. But I
really feel like you guys sabotage that.
“Even with the banks collapsing, and nobody knowing who’s going to
have a good Christmas in stores, you guys still don’t pay any attention. You
keep me from working in an organized, efficient way. And the effect of that is
that you make the orders late, and you don’t allow the work to get ahead.
“I have envisioned that the whole thing would be much more stress-
free if it could be organized, and stuff could be made ahead of time and
shipped out right when people call in. It seems like everybody—all of us and
the stores—would be so happy if they called in and you said, ‘Oh, I could just
ship that out right now,’ as opposed to saying a week or two or three. But I’m
mostly just tired and at a loss for how to work with this so that your
sabotaging doesn’t keep taking place.” That’s the Work Ethic Part.
J: Sounds good, so switch over to one of the other parts and let it
respond.
N: Now I’m in the Procrastinator chair. “I understand that you have a
lot of concern for orders and money and getting the stuff out. It does sound
nice, that people would call in and you could say, ‘I’ll get that right out.’ That
seems like it would be a lot of fun and cheerful and stress-free.”
Notice that the Procrastinator already shows some understanding of
the Work Ethic Part’s position. This is good.
“But our position over here is: We just feel like you’ll always have us
working. We have no sense that you really understand that we need space—
that we need playtime, we need creative-space time.
“We don’t think you’ll ever give it to us because you have infinite
plans. You really just get off on plans. We look at that and go, “Oh my god. It’s
going to be plans and stuff to do till we’re dead. We won’t get to enjoy the
trees and greenery and garden puttering; we won’t have any fun! So we figure
we’re just going to take it now! ’Cause we like instant gratification. And we
don’t trust that you’ll ever give us any space and playtime.”
J: I’m thinking we should switch back and hear what the Work Ethic
Part has to say to that, but I don’t want to leave the Kid out if the Kid needs to
say something.
 N: No, the Kid’s fine—the Kid’s sitting on the table swinging her legs,
like, “La la la. This is fine.” No, the Procrastinator is definitely speaking on
behalf of the Kid. It’s the protector, so the Kid’s fine.
J: So switch back to the Work Ethic Part.
N as the Work Ethic Part: I’m getting the picture that you don’t trust
me. You don’t trust that I’ll give you any space or time to play or have fun. Or
that if I do, it’ll be so minimal compared to what you want that it’s not enough.
I see we have a discrepancy here. You want more time and space than I feel I
can give.
The Work Ethic Part also has an understanding of the
Procrastinator’s position. Since they understand each other, this will make
it easier to reach a resolution.
I can see we don’t really trust each other. You want a lot of time and
space, and I want a lot of work. I’m willing to give you some time and space
and see how that goes. And I have this feeling that if we could really work
without your distractions, then time might be more efficient. And maybe more
would get done.
But there’s something you said about plans. You’re right, I like
planning. And to me that’s part of the creativity of ideas. So I take issue with
your thing about the planning. I think some of the planning is a way to get
around all the sabotaging that you do, and some of the planning is creative
idea hatching. So I’d just like to put this out there: I might not have to do so
much of the heavy-handed planning if I could trust that you wouldn’t sabotage
me.
I understand you want more playtime. I’m definitely willing to give
playtime space.
J: Let me just jump in a little and remind you that the Procrastinator
didn’t say it wanted more playtime. It said it doesn’t believe that you’re going
to ever give it any. That’s what its impression was.
I noticed that the Work Ethic Part had missed a crucial aspect of the
Procrastinator’s fears.
N as Work Ethic Part: OK, I understand. So how about if I give you
some. I understand you don’t trust me to give you any, so you’re taking as
much as you can. So if we can come to an agreement where I actually give you
some and absolutely stick to it …
I can feel that I have a hesitancy in saying “absolutely stick to it”
because what if we have to do something and I’ve said it’s playtime? So I can
feel my hesitancy in giving up that kind of authority, in saying, “Well, if we
work from 9 to 12 and 1 to 4 filling kilns, will I really stop at 4?”
This is important. The Work Ethic Part is really recognizing what
would be involved in sticking to this agreement, and it is considering
whether it is willing to. What usually happens is that one side comes up
with a plan and tries to institute it without getting the informed consent of
the other side. This is sure to backfire. However, if both sides think through
an agreement and decide to abide by it, it can work.
The agreement we worked out with Self was to try kiln loading in the
basement from 9 to 12, take a break from 12 to 1, then jewelry, kiln making
from 1 to 4, then break at 4 for puttering and play stuff. I’m willing to try it,
but if something came up, I would just have to say, “No, I can’t do that at four
o’clock.” But if I didn’t agree to playtime at 4, I can understand that would
breed a lack of trust in you, and you’d say, “Ha! Told you so.”
J: So it seems like if you back out on your agreement, they’re just
going to really not trust you and they’re going to sabotage things all the more.
N as Self: Right, but I can see the fear in this Work Ethic Part.
Committing to not working from 4 to 6 is pretty scary, so I don’t know what to
do about that.
J: So what are you scared of, Work Ethic Part?
The Work Ethic Part is scared to make the agreement, so I ask what
it is scared of. Notice that I am speaking to the part using “direct access.”
This means that the therapist talks directly to a part rather than coaching
the client’s Self in how to talk to the part.
N as Work Ethic Part: I’m afraid that there’ll be important work that
has to happen and that it won’t happen. I mean, yeah, it could be put off till the
next day, so I guess that’s what I have to be willing to do. Or it could be put
off till six o’clock. I guess that I’ll be willing to do that. It’s like I could say I
could do that for a day, but on a regular basis I can’t do that.
J: But don’t forget, if you do this, they’re agreeing to stop sabotaging
you. So you’re going to get a lot done from 9 to 12 and 1 to 4 if you stick to
this. You have a lot to gain by sticking to this. Because they’re agreeing to not
sabotage you anymore.
I am attempting to show the Work Ethic Part what it has to gain by
agreeing.
N as Work Ethic Part: Right. But I can see their point that there will
always be work to do. I really do feel that there’s an enormous amount of
work. So I need more hours than six hours a day. Yes, I can work in the
evenings, which I do, but there’s stuff that comes up all day long that seems to
need to be done then. It feels like there are larger planning issues here, larger
organizational issues that make me nervous.
J: What are you nervous about?
N as Work Ethic Part: I’m worried that all the other things in the
business will come up, and I won’t do them because I’m loading kilns. Then
when I could be doing those business things from 4 to 6, I have agreed to give
it over to the Kid and protector. So then all these other business things I
haven’t done will pile up and affect the kiln loading the next day.
J: So suppose that happens. What’s scary about that for you?
N as Work Ethic Part: It feels like I’m the one that’s always in
charge of figuring out how to get all these things done. There’s not enough
time, and I’m just overwhelmed. There’s no support for figuring out how to do
the kiln loading, the jewelry finishing, and the business stuff. That’s why I feel
I have to work all the time, because nobody helps me figure it out. They
certainly don’t. They just sabotage me, and that makes it worse. It feels like
I’m the only responsible one.
As is usually true with protectors, the Work Ethic Part feels
overwhelmed partly because it believes it is all alone with this difficult
problem. It needs to have the support of Self. There has been enough
conversation between me and the part. Now Nancy’s Self needs to join the
discussion because Nancy knows more about this than I do, and ultimately
she needs to craft a resolution and work together with her parts to stick to
it.
N: I’m in Self, and I can feel that Work Ethic Part starting to get really
overwhelmed. It wants to cry. It feels like. “Fine, it’s nice to give up a couple
hours to play, but they don’t understand that there’s an enormous amount of
other stuff to deal with—phone calls coming in, stuff to be ordered, my
worker comes tomorrow, packing and shipping, orders to be pulled. There’s
just like an enormous amount of business stuff.” And this Work Ethic Part is
the only one that feels responsible and keeps track of it.
J: So it seems like the Work Ethic Part needs you to support her.
N: Needs Self, yeah.
J: I think you are already doing this, but let’s make it explicit. Start by
acknowledging to the Work Ethic Part what she’s feeling and what she’s
worried about.
 N: As Self, right?
J: Yeah.
N: OK. I understand that you really feel like the buck stops with you.
You are totally responsible for the millions of tiny details that go into this
business, and you’ve never really had any support. You just figured out how to
do a business all on your own. Nobody taught you anything—about the glass
or the business. You invented everything, from buying the packing bags to
boxes to shipping to everything. You did figure it all out—this enormous task
—and you did a great job.
I understand that you feel responsible for all of it. It’s a huge burden.
You feel overwhelmed, and you don’t understand how you’re going to ever get
it all done. So even though it’s been happening for a good many years now—
four to five years—and you’ve been very successful, you still feel like you
have no help. I understand that you’re quite freaked out, anxious, and
overwhelmed. I have compassion for how much you’ve done and how well
you’ve done with no support.
In order for Nancy to really connect with and support the Work
Ethic Part, she needs to understand it and convey that understanding and
acknowledgment to the part.
J: So switch back to the Work Ethic Part and see how it’s responding
to you.
N as Work Ethic Part: I’m glad you understand how I feel, that I do
feel overwhelmed and alone. So I feel a little bit better that you are hearing
me, but I don’t ever feel in the midst of the day that I have any help from you.
It’s all well and good to hear me now, but where are you during the day?
You’re not there! It’s just me and these crazy people over here—the
Procrastinator and Kid. What are you going to do to help me during the day?
J: So switch back, let’s see what your response is.
N as Self: What am I going to do during the day? You’re right! Where
am I? I don’t think I’m there. I don’t know why I disappear. I have a feeling
that I disappear because you guys are so habitual and strong in your positions.
I don’t know what to say. You’re right ...
Nancy realizes that she wasn’t present in Self during the crucial
work times when this polarization came up. This is a main reason that it’s
been so difficult. And it is probably because the parts blended with her and
took over.
 As to how I might help you … but I don’t know if I believe this
myself, so this could be interesting. I feel like I could offer a sense of
“nowness.” I could offer a sense of being in one moment at a time. ’Cause you
tend to get all freaked out about the future, with the plans and so much to do. I
can see you start thinking into the future and it freaks you out, but I do have the
capacity to be in the present.
I don’t know if that will help, but I do have the ability to say, “Look,
we’re just going to do one thing, then we’ll see about the next thing.” I can
offer you breathing, sensing this body, breathing, sensing the present moment,
bringing the thoughts back to the present moment, and just doing one thing at a
time.
J: Let’s see how the Work Ethic Part feels about that.
N as Work Ethic Part: Well, that’s a start. I think that would help cut
my fear level. ’Cause my fear level really does get revved up by thinking
about the future. So yeah, I think I could really use help in coming back to the
present. Then maybe I would develop some trust that the present is OK and
that we can figure out how the future could be OK.
The Self has shown the Work Ethic Part what it has to offer, and the
part likes that.
This dialogue continues and eventually comes to a resolution.25 We
didn’t explore the exile that the Work Ethic Part is protecting. Its fear and
overwhelm aren’t just due to the situation and the polarization. There must
also be an exile underneath. Accessing and healing that exile will help with
resolving this conflict.

Exercise: Working Through

Taskmaster/Procrastinator Polarization
Access and get to know your Procrastinator Part. Access and get to
know your Taskmaster Part. See if they are fighting each other, especially if
your Procrastinator is also a Rebel that is defying the Taskmaster. If there is a
polarization, get permission from both parts for a depolarization dialogue.
Move the conversation toward true dialogue and see if the parts can learn to
cooperate. Work on coming up with a resolution that both parts can agree to.
Notice if it will be necessary to heal some exiles for this to happen. If so, do
that.

Which part is the Procrastinator?

How does it try to counter the Taskmaster?

Which part is the Taskmaster?

How does it try to counter the Procrastinator?

Did both parts agree to the dialogue?

If not, what did you do to get them to agree?

How did the dialogue start?

What did you do to move the conversation toward true dialogue?

What resolution did you or the parts come up with?

What negotiation was necessary for both parts to agree to the resolution?

Follow up in the situations in your life when you usually procrastinate,

and make sure to reassure the Procrastinator in the moment that it can let go.
Focus on doing the task. Ask the Taskmaster to relax, too, if necessary.

What happened in those situations?

Summary
This chapter has shown how to use IFS to resolve procrastination
issues. For more information, see my book Taking Action or the
Procrastination Pattern in my web application, Self-Therapy Journey.26
 Chapter 3
Eating Issues
with Bonnie Weiss, LCSW
We can’t begin to talk about eating unless we talk about hunger.
Hunger is one of our most primary needs and one of the earliest ways that we
interact with our environment. It is what brings us back to our caretakers and
how we learned about the nature of the world. Through our hunger we learn if
we are safe, if our needs will be recognized and satisfied, if our caretakers
will respond to us appropriately, and what love is.
Bonnie says: “In my years of working with people, I have noticed that
the psychological hallmark of eating issues is the conflicts people have
around their needs. If you have a food addiction, you may not recognize when
you are really hungry, what you are hungry for, and when you are full. You
may not realize what other needs you have that are masked by your obsession
with food. When you explore inside, you may find that your constant thinking
about food has distracted you from feeling other unmet needs.”
Our issues about hunger come from conflicts about how we care for
ourselves, leading to low self-esteem and people-pleasing behavior. This
includes the following:

• Taking care of others instead of yourself

• Feeling like a martyr

• Denying your needs in favor of others’ needs

• Believing that you don’t have the permission, time, or resources to pay
attention to your needs

In this chapter, we deal with overeating and bulimia. Anorexia is a

more specialized and difficult eating disorder that is beyond the scope of this
book.

The Indulger
 Begin your IFS work by focusing on the part of you that is responsible
for your out-of-control eating. We call this the Indulger. This part may cause
unconscious eating, which involves just putting things in your mouth out of
habit without thinking. Your Indulger might drive binge eating, which involves
distracting yourself from pain by consuming large quantities of food, despite
the fact that you may be trying to control your eating. Or you might just go
unconscious while you are eating and not stop when you are full.

The Indulger is a protector that may go to extremes in an effort to keep

down the pain of exiles who are needy, frightened, ashamed, or grieving. The
Indulger may use food to soothe or numb underlying pain. It may also use food
to give you the feeling of being loved and nurtured to make up for having been
deprived in childhood. And, of course, it may want you to feel fed and full to
make up for the deprivation of schedule feeding when you were a baby. The
Indulger may also overeat in order to suppress feelings of anger or to keep
you from asserting yourself because it thinks this is unacceptable or
dangerous. In fact, a wide variety of emotions and behaviors can be soothed
or suppressed by food addiction.
Start by getting to know your Indulger and developing a trusting
relationship with it. Then access the exile(s) that the Indulger is trying to
protect and heal it.27 When this is complete, the Indulger may be able to relax
and let go of its addictive tendencies. If there is more than one exile being
soothed or suppressed by the Indulger, they all must be healed before it will
let go.
In addition, the Indulger might be trying to stop you from being angry
or aggressive. In this case, you will have to explore what makes the Indulger
afraid of aggression and reassure it about it fears. You might also have to
work on letting go of extreme anger, and your Indulger may need to learn that a
certain amount of anger and strength is good. (See Chapter 6 of this book for
working with anger.)

The Foggy Part

There is another part that can have a major impact on eating issues.
The Foggy Part causes you to lose conscious awareness of yourself, your
thought process, and your connection to your body. You may feel spaced out
and fuzzy. You may get sleepy or dull. You may feel confused and
overwhelmed. You may not be able to think clearly, feel yourself, or see what
is going on around you. When your Foggy Part has taken over, you feel as if
your brain has shut down or gone on strike. This isn’t just a physiological
reaction; it comes from this part that wants to fog you out.
 The Foggy Part often appears when there is unconscious conflict about
what you are feeling or eating. When the Foggy Part teams up with the
Indulger, it can cause you to dissociate and lose awareness of what you are
eating, how much you have eaten, and when you have passed the “full point.”
For example, suppose that an exile is triggered by something that has
happened in your life—for example, an interaction with your boss or spouse
where you felt hurt or rejected. Your Indulger is ready to jump in and soothe
the exile so you don’t become overwhelmed by its emotional pain. You may
have a healthy part that says, “I don’t think you should eat that whole bag of
cookies.” Or your Food Controller may see the train wreck coming and start
calling you names to stop you. The Foggy Part may cloud you over so you
aren’t aware of what is going on so you can go unconscious and eat.
The Foggy Part can work to prevent internal change and growth. If you
are working on yourself—for example, trying to eat consciously—the Foggy
Part may confuse you and cause you to lose track of what you are feeling or
focusing on. The Foggy Part might do this because it is afraid of change and
wants to keep your status quo. When you set an intention to create change, the
fog may roll in and cause you to become distracted, confused, or depressed.
A major motivation for the Foggy Part is to protect you from being
overwhelmed by painful feelings from your past that are starting to arise. The
confusion and fog prevent you from being in touch with shame, fear, grief, or
the other painful feelings held by your exiles.
As you are doing IFS work, you may notice your Foggy Part arising
and disrupting the therapy process. Or you may become aware that your Foggy
Part is a major ally of your Indulger in permitting you to overeat without being
aware of this. Then you will need to spend time using IFS to transform your
Foggy Part. Treat it like any other protector. Don’t be fooled into thinking that
the fogginess is just a physiological reaction. You can get your Foggy Part to
talk with you, find out its positive intent, connect with it, and heal the exiles it
is protecting. Then it is likely to let go of its need to create fog.

Exercise: Working Through Eating Issues

Remember what it feels like when you are overeating or obsessing
about food. Use that experience to access your Indulger Part. Go through the
usual IFS steps to get to know this protector and find out what it is trying to
get for you by eating or what it is afraid you would feel if it didn’t make you
eat so much. Then heal the exile(s) it is protecting and see if it can then let go
of it excessive eating. If your Foggy Part arises, see if it will step aside and
let you go on with the IFS work. If not, focus on getting to know it and its
positive intent, and if necessary, heal its exile.

Which part is indulging?

What is it afraid of?

Did the Foggy Part come up?

What did it take for the Foggy Part to step aside?

Which exile(s) is your Indulger protecting?

Were you able to heal its exile(s)?

If you did heal them, did this permit the Indulger to let go?

If not, what is in the way?

Follow up in the situations in your life when you usually overeat or

obsess about food, and make sure to reassure the Indulger in the moment that it
can relax.

What happened in those situations?

The Food Controller

The Indulger is the part that we are most aware of when we struggle
with food addiction. As you begin to work with your Indulger using IFS, first
check to see how you feel toward the Indulger. You are likely to find a part of
you that hates the Indulger because of all the problems it has caused you. This
part, which we call the Inner Controller (or Food Controller when eating is
the issue), does its best to control your food addiction. It is a type of Inner
Critic (see Chapter 1).
The Food Controller is concerned about the consequences of your
eating (for example, becoming overweight, damaging your health, being
unattractive). It may also be afraid of other people’s judgments or rejection
because of your eating habits.
The Food Controller tends to be rigid and punitive. It may have fixed
and precise standards for how you should eat. It tries to control your eating by
telling you how to diet and criticizing you whenever you ignore its rules or
overstep its limits. As long as you follow the dictates of the Food Controller,
it won’t judge you, but when you get out of line, it will attack. There are two
problems with the Food Controller: The first is that its standards are often too
extreme and rigid. The second is that it tries to enforce these standards by
attacking and shaming you when you fail to measure up to them.
 Most people think that if only the Food Controller could be completely
in charge, the Indulger wouldn’t act out, and everything would be just fine.
However, the irony is that the more stringent the Controller is, the stronger the
Indulger becomes. Or if the Food Controller is able to stay in charge, it
becomes so rigid and ascetic that it doesn’t allow you to be in touch with your
sensuality and enjoy the pleasures of life. It is too afraid that if it allowed you
to do these things, you would slip back into food addiction. Of course, in
some cases, it might be right.
The Food Controller and Indulger are constantly engaged in a power
struggle inside you. Sometimes they battle it out in eating situations—for
example, when you’re in front of the fridge at night or at a party with friends.
At other times, the Food Controller takes over for a while, and you are very
careful with your diet. Then the Indulger takes over, and you go on an eating
binge. Then afterward, the Food Controller takes back control and shames you
unmercifully for overdoing it.
The Food Controller truly wants to do what’s best for you, but it goes
about this in a harsh, punitive way that doesn’t work and causes a lot of pain.
Your Food Controller may have learned this strategy by modeling itself after
the way your parents tried to control you as a child.
When the Food Controller attacks you after an indulgence, the
Criticized Child (see Chapter 1) is the part of you that receives the brunt of
the attacks. It feels ashamed of your indulging and believes that it is
inadequate and deeply flawed. The Criticized Child often promises to do
better, but the Indulger may engage in binge eating to cover up the feeling of
shame. Thus the effort of the Food Controller often backfires and provokes the
very behavior it is trying to stop.
The Food Controller may be active even if your current eating habits
aren’t out of line. It may not have an accurate picture of who you are today; it
may think it must control your eating even when this isn’t necessary. However,
in this chapter, we will focus on situations in which the Indulger is indeed
overeating and the Controller is reacting to this.
In order to fully resolve your eating issues, you often need to heal and
transform both the Food Controller and the Indulger. You will need to get to
know your Food Controller, discover its positive intent, and connect with it. It
is probably also protecting an exile, so this exile may need to be healed
before the Controller can fully let go. For example, if you were ridiculed by
your peers for being fat as a child, your Food Controller will be trying to
protect you from the exile who is carrying that shame.

The Rebel
In addition to the Indulger, a defiant part, the Rebel, may get triggered.
The Inner Rebel doesn’t want to let the Food Controller control you. It may
purposely overeat just to prove that it can’t be pushed around. The Rebel is
trying to preserve your autonomy, but it goes overboard, causing excessive
levels of food addiction. Bonnie says, “In my eating classes, identifying the
Rebel Part helps clarify a great deal of previously mysterious behavior for
people who struggle with out-of-control eating.”
The Rebel bristles at the commands of the Food Controller and
(overtly or covertly) refuses to be bullied or bossed around. It often behaves
in direct opposition to the demands of the Food Controller by saying, “Oh
yeah? You can’t tell me what to do!” or “Oh, you say I can’t eat that cookie.
Watch me eat the whole box!”
A close cousin of this Inner Rebel is the Outer Rebel. This part fights
against authority. It doesn’t like to be told what to do or how to be. It can’t
recognize that another person might want good things for you. The Rebel
wants to preserve your autonomy. It wants you to be free to do what you want.
So the Rebel automatically fights any efforts to corral or control it, even
healthy attempts to eat moderately. It may trash diet plans or purposely eat
unhealthy foods in front of people, daring them to say something.
 The Rebel is like a teenager or a defiant child fighting against a
parent. It can arise covertly as tension in your body, or it might pop out in a
defiant reaction to someone who is trying to help you with your eating. Your
Rebel might even act out flagrantly by eating forbidden food, refusing to
exercise, or not taking care of yourself in other ways. Or the Rebel may be
more indirect by sneaking snacks, buying unhealthy food, or creating turmoil
that it knows will give you an excuse to indulge. If there is someone in your
life who is acting as an outer Food Controller, explain to that person how his
or her efforts just trigger your Outer Rebel. Let the person know that you are
working on your eating issue, and ask him or her to refrain from trying to help
you.

When the Food Controller and the Indulger are polarized, the Rebel is
allied with the Indulger and at war with the Food Controller because it is
concerned about not being dominated by the Controller. Once you can contact
your Rebel and appreciate how it is trying to stand up for you in the face of a
harsh Food Controller, it will be easier to befriend it and use its energy to
work with you rather than against you. You might also need to spend time
healing the exile being protected by the Rebel, which would be a part that was
dominated or pushed too much by a parent.
 You may need to work directly with the polarization between the Food
Controller and the Indulger/Rebel.28 After you connect with these parts,
arrange for them to talk with each other and learn how to cooperate rather than
battling. This will help the whole eating situation to calm down inside you.

Exercise: Working Through Indulger/Food

Controller Polarization
Access and get to know your Indulger. Access and get to know your
Food Controller. See if they are fighting each other, especially if your Indulger
is also allied with a Rebel that is defying the Food Controller. If there is a
polarization, get permission from all parts for a depolarization dialogue. Start
the conversation and then move it toward true dialogue and see if the parts can
learn to cooperate. Work on coming up with a resolution that both parts can
agree to. Notice if it will be necessary to heal some exiles for this to happen.
If so, do that.29

Which part is the Indulger?

How does it try to counter the Food Controller?

Which part is the Food Controller?

How does it try to counter the Indulger?

Is there a Rebel Part involved?

What did you need to do to get permission from both parts for the dialogue?

What did they say to each other at first?

What did you do to move the conversation toward dialogue?

What resolution did you come up with?

What negotiation needed to happen before both parts could agree to the
resolution?

Follow up in the situations in your life when you usually overeat, and
make sure to reassure the Indulger in the moment that it can let go. Ask the
Food Controller to relax, too, if necessary.

What happened in those situations?

Self-Care Capacities
If you struggle with eating issues, you may not have permission to
know what your needs are and take care of them. If you didn’t receive
consistent loving attention as a child, you may have come to believe that other
people are more important than you and that your needs don’t matter. You may
not believe that you are valuable and deserving of gentle, loving attention.
If the focus of your childhood was on meeting rigid expectations,
being good, or performing, you may have learned to ignore pleasure. Now
when you move toward something that will give you pleasure, you may feel
guilty or conflicted.
Just as it is important to transform the parts that cause you to overeat,
it is also important to develop healthy parts that will help you take care of
yourself in positive ways.
First is the Conscious Consumption Capacity. At its core, the Food
Controller wants you to take care of yourself. When it is transformed from its
extreme role, it becomes the Conscious Consumption Capacity. With this
capacity, you have the ability to stay grounded in your body and be aware of
your eating. You pay attention to the bodily cues that let you know that you
need something, and you can sense what you need. If you are hungry, you can
tell what you are hungry for, and you can stop eating when you are satiated. If
it isn’t hunger, you can identify what else you need—maybe love, contact, or
sensuality. You aren’t conflicted about satisfying your needs, and you can
choose between meeting your needs now or waiting until later.
 With the Conscious Consumption Capacity, you can make appropriate
choices about healthy eating and nourish yourself in a loving ways without
being overly focused on food. You won’t want to eat when you’re not hungry,
you won’t overeat, and you will choose healthy foods. This will allow you to
lose weight and keep it off!
The other healthy part is the Pleasure Capacity, which emerges from
the transformed Indulger. When your Pleasure Capacity is activated, you
believe that you have the right to take care of yourself and to give yourself
pleasure in healthy ways. You know that you deserve to be nurtured and taken
care of. You approach eating and other forms of self-care with open
anticipation. You are responsive to stimulation through all of your senses—
looking at and smelling food, cooking, and eating.
 You also enjoy other forms of pleasure such as listening to music,
being outdoors, being gently touched, stretching your body, and engaging in
athletics, dancing, and sexuality. If you need something other than food, you
can tell what that is—what would give you pleasure. For example, you know
whether you need tension relief, sensory stimulation, social connection,
privacy, physical activity, or something else. You know how to give yourself
pleasure at any moment—for example, taking a walk, getting a massage,
listening to music, cooking a meal, lying down and resting, or calling a friend.
Because you can fully take in and enjoy pleasure, you don’t have to
engage in it impulsively or overdo it. Your needs get satisfied in a natural,
sensuous way, and then they spontaneously recede and your attention moves
on to other things.
It is useful to develop an Inner Champion (see Chapter 1) that
supports your right to have the Pleasure Capacity of sensuality and aliveness.
Your Inner Champion is like a loving parent who supports you in caring for
yourself and feeling good. You can develop an Inner Mentor (Chapter 1) that
supports Conscious Consumption—the moderation you need in your life. Your
Inner Mentor will help you stay in control of your eating in a caring,
encouraging way, without being harsh and judgmental.
Let’s look at a graphic that shows these parts and their relationships:
 The Food Controller and Indulger/Rebel are polarized, and the Foggy
Part is sometimes aligned with the Indulger. The healthy capacities of
Conscious Consumption and Pleasure naturally integrate with each other so
that you can have both at the same time. If you have the Indulger/Rebel
Pattern, you need to develop Conscious Consumption to transform it. If you
have a Food Controller, you need to develop Pleasure to transform it.

Exercise: Developing the Pleasure Capacity

Think about what you need right in this moment. What would help you
to feel good? Don’t just go toward your usual pleasures, such as food.
Contemplate what you truly need right now. What would make you feel
satisfied, alive, whole, and vital?
 Do you need touch, a good listener, physical release, movement,
social connection, delicious food, rest, play, or something else? Take a minute
and tune into your body and your true desire. Give yourself permission to
have whatever you truly want. Make sure that what you come up with isn’t a
substitute for what you truly need. Let yourself feel your true need, even if it
isn’t available right now.
If it is available right now, then meet your desire. Take as much time
as you need to give yourself the pleasure you want. Or take the risk to call a
friend, if what you need is interpersonal connection of some sort. As you are
getting your need met, feel yourself—feel your body. Make sure to fully take
in the pleasure you are getting, and really enjoy it.

What was your true desire right now?

How did it feel to get it met?

To summarize: In order to fully resolve your eating issues, you may

need to do the following:

• Get to know your Indulger, and heal the exile(s) it is protecting.

• Get to know your Food Controller, and heal the exile(s) it is

protecting.

• Get to know your Rebel Part, and heal the exile(s) it is protecting.

• Get to know your Foggy Part, and heal the exile(s) it is protecting.

• Work through your fear of anger and assertiveness.

• Have a depolarization dialogue between the Indulger/Rebel and the

Food Controller so they learn to cooperate with each other.

• Develop the Conscious Consumption and Pleasure Capacities.

 IFS Session on Eating Issues
This is the transcript of a session that Bonnie did with Claire, who
volunteered for a demonstration session on eating issues. Bonnie started out
by asking Claire about her relationship with food.
Claire: I weigh myself daily. I think I have addictive behavior
because once I start eating, I just can’t stop. And while I am eating one thing, I
think about what I’m going to eat next. I tend to eat a lot in the evening.
However, my weight isn’t a problem for me. Even though I have bouts where I
eat a lot of ice cream, I stop if I go over a certain weight. I do have a lot of
body issues, and I use food as a reward.
I feel a Sad Part that is connected with the Indulger. It doesn’t want the
Indulger to come in because it is afraid of the Controller.
Bonnie: Ask the Sad Part what it is afraid would happen if you
brought the Indulger in.
C: It is afraid of being beaten up by the Controller because I’m not
supposed to indulge.
B: Let the Sad Part know that you see it—feeling grounded in your
belly. We’re not going to let the Controller beat up the Indulger. We’re just
going to get to know each part.
C: I feel more in Self now.
B: Take a minute to focus on what is happening in your body.
C: There’s a tenseness throughout my body.
B: See if you have an image of that tense part.
C: It’s an old-fashioned suitcase with a Cookie Monster head and legs
coming out. It’s not a bad monster. It’s not happy about its own shape. It feels
heavy. Yeah. It carries inside its trunk a lot of tools and memories.
B: Is this new for you?
C: Yes. I’ve never had contact with this Trunk Part.
B: Let the Trunk Part know that you appreciate all it’s showing you.
See how you feel toward it.
C: I feel really open and curious and compassionate. I feel good about
the connection with it.
B: Let it know that. Ask if there is anything it wants you to know.
C: Its job is to fill me with food to soothe me and push down
underlying pain. It wants to open that trunk and show me all of that pain.
 As soon as Claire makes a connection with this Trunk Part, which is
probably an Indulger, it immediately wants to show her the exiles it is
protecting.
C: There is a lingering sadness and a little bit of fear. These
memories, they hurt, because I already see some of the images in the trunk,
and they’re very sad.
B: Take a breath and shift into Self. Feel me here with you while
you’re here with the parts. See if they can feel the support, love, and curiosity.
C: I do, because part of me wants to crawl into your lap right now.
B: You can. Imagine me holding you and you holding the part.
C: Thank you for reminding me of Self. That’s a good reminder. This
Child Part really wants to tell me how hard it’s been for her. It was always
very loud. My parents fought a lot, and it scared her when my father would
yell. It was at dinnertime in our small kitchen. I can see her face really
shocked and afraid. Her system is tensed up around food.
B: Thank her for sharing how hard it was to eat dinner and the fear
that was associated with food.
C: There is a rush and an urgency around putting a lot of food in her
mouth at once. It feels very good today to stuff my face.
It seems that the Child used food as a way of coping with her
father’s anger.
C: My sister is there, and I feel a connection to her. She’s glad that I’m
here to see what that was like for her. Wow!
B: Check if there’s anything else. Could the Child tell you what
strategies developed from having these experiences? Did this stuffing her
cheeks have an impact later?
C: I’m moving through the ages now. There’s one image she is
showing me of a baby in the nursery.
Instead of learning how this had an impact on her later eating,
Claire comes up with another exile. This is fine. She is just following her
process.
C: My mother brought me to the nursery as a baby and she nursed me.
I could feel the longing of the other babies while I was nursing with my mom.
They didn’t have their mothers, and my mother would have to rush back. The
Baby is showing me the rush of milk down into her belly. Quick, quick, quick.
’Cause mother’s going to be gone in a minute, and it’s going to be lonely
afterward.
 The Baby wants to hold onto the fullness of the milk and of her belly.
I’m making this connection to my evening eating and needing to have a full
belly.
B: Thank her. Really important information.
C: Wow! With this full belly, she’s rocking herself back and forth,
missing my mom, missing the contact.
And now there’s some dissociation. I’m spacing out right now. I’ve
known this part before.
B: Let it know that you see it and that you appreciate it for trying to
help. Ask what it is afraid of.
C: It’s afraid I will be blended with that Baby. Cause it’s so lonely.
This is the Foggy Part arising because it wants to keep Claire from
being overwhelmed by the Baby’s pain. It is a firefighter (see Chapter 2 of
Self-Therapy, Vol. 2).
B: Thank the part for that and let it know that we can pay attention to
the Baby and help it.
C: It wants to stay on the outskirts and jump in if it needs to.
B: Let it know that that is fine.
The Foggy Part has agreed to step aside and allow Claire to
continue getting to know the Baby Part.
C: That is a core loneliness that the Baby is showing me, because she
can’t move on her own. She’s stuck on this bed. When she cries, the nurses are
taking care of other babies. The Baby’s belly is aching because it is so full.
B: Thank her again for this information. See if it’s possible for us to
help that Baby.
C: The Trunk Part seems more connected to the Child, who is
concerned about the yelling in the house at dinner.
B: OK. But before we switch to the Child, let’s make sure that the
Baby is OK. How are you feeling toward the Baby right now?
It seems that for this session, in following the flow, it is more
important to heal the Child. But it is important not to just drop the Baby.
C: I feel really caring and compassionate.
B: OK. Convey that to the Baby in some way … and then see how she
is responding to you.
C: She feels a lot better. She really likes it that someone has noticed
her and cares about her pain.
 B: Good. Ask her if she would like you to take her out of that painful
situation and bring her to some place in your current life or in your heart
where she will feel comforted.
C: Yes. I am bringing her into my heart … She feels so much better.
Warm and safe and loved.
Bonnie makes sure that Claire and the Baby are connected and then
has Claire retrieve the Baby. This leaves the Baby in a good place, so it is
OK to go on to working with the Child.
B: Great. You will probably need to do more healing with the Baby in
a future session, but at least she is in a good place now. So we can return to
the Child. What is happening with the Child?
C: The Child is really having a hard time with my Dad’s yelling and
pounding his fist on the table. It is very loud and scary.
B: Let her know that you see that.
C: She wants to duck her head and disappear.
B: See if the Child can feel you here.
C: She’s in conflict because she would like to come with me, but she
feels she can’t abandon her family. She can’t just go.
B: To abandon her family would mean what?
C: Leaving them in their misery while she’s having a good time. She
was the sunshine of the family, and after dinner my mother and I had this
snuggle time. She would take me on her lap and we would be very close.
The Child took on a lot of responsibility for her family—especially
her mother and sister—so it was very hard for her to be retrieved. I have
omitted the part of the session where they explore this.
C: The Child is also afraid of not having the family that she is used to.
B: That makes sense. Let her know that she can have you in a
healthier, safer way. Would that work for her?
C: This is so hard for her. She can feel that with me she is safe, but
then she can’t be with her family. That’s hard for her. It’s a grief.
B: She doesn’t have to make up her mind now. She can sit with it and
think about it.
C: She wants my sister to come with her. She feels much better.
B: Let’s take the two of them out of there.
C: They’re holding onto each other. That’s very sweet. OK.
B: Bring them to a safe place. And they may just need some time to be
quietly together.
 C: They’re in this landscape with a meadow, grass, flowers, and
butterflies, and those two are elated. The parents are in the distance, and the
sisters have each other, so they’re happy with whatever happens with them.
They have to see the parents, but they feel so good. That is wonderful!
B: Let them take as much time as they need.
C: They are in this beautiful land removed from the dinner situation.
Bonnie gave the Child an opportunity for unburdening (which I
omitted from the transcript), but it didn’t seem interested in that. This is
probably because the reparenting and retrieval were enough for the Child
to be healed.
B: I want to check with the Trunk Part. Can it see what happened
here?
So now Bonnie goes back to the Trunk Part, which was protecting
the Child, to see if it can now let go.
C: Yes. He is very happy. He sees both situations. The children are
trying out something. The dinner situation is in a bubble, and they can pop that
bubble with a needle. He sees that and he is just sitting there relaxing. Yeah.
He is good.
B: Ask him if he still needs to fill you with food or if he can let go of
that.
C: He feels better, but he says he still has more parts to protect, so he
doesn’t feel ready to let go yet.
This makes perfect sense since Claire probably needs to go back and do
more healing with the Baby and perhaps other exiles.
In this session, we have seen how food was associated with the pain
and fear experienced by both the Baby and the Child, so the Trunk Part (which
is probably an Indulger) would naturally use food as a soothing form of
protection. The Foggy Part showed up briefly in this session and then stepped
aside. The Food Controller didn’t appear, so it may have to be dealt with in
the future.
Eating issues are notoriously tough to resolve. In addition to your IFS
work, you might find it helpful to join a 12-step group that focuses on food
addiction—OA (Overeaters Anonymous), FA (Food Addicts in Recovery
Anonymous), or FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous).

Summary
 This chapter has shown how to use IFS to work with eating issues.
Bonnie Weiss periodically offers a course on using IFS with eating issues,
and she has a recorded version of this course available.30 Self-Therapy
Journey, my web application for personal growth, has a module for eating
issues.31 You can also take a quiz32 to help you discover the underlying
motivation behind your eating issues.
 Chapter 4
Perfectionism
Do you feel that the work you produce is never good enough? Do you
work endlessly on projects or run them right up to the deadline? Is it hard for
you to even start on a project because you fear it won’t be good enough? Do
you sit staring at your computer, unable to get going? Do you feel that your
appearance, your home, or your children must be perfect or else you are a
failure? Do you believe that making a mistake is the worst thing you can do?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, you have a need to be
perfect that goes far beyond what is actually required for excellence. This
overblown demand on yourself can get in the way of your getting jobs done on
time because you spend far too much time on them. Or it can lead you to
procrastinate and avoid working on projects.
Perfectionism can cause you to be uptight and worried much of the
time. It can keep you from being relaxed and having fun and joy in life. It can
unbalance your life because you spend far too much time on work or other
attempts to be perfect, which leaves little time for family, friends, love, and
creativity.
Of course, there may be a few situations in which you need to be
perfect, or nearly so, for example, if you are proofreading or competing in
gymnastics. But if you find yourself trying to be perfect much of the time when
it isn’t really needed, this indicates a Perfectionist Pattern. The best way to
determine whether or not you have a Perfectionist Pattern is to examine your
motivation for trying to be perfect. If the situation calls for perfection or if you
genuinely want to do an excellent job, you aren’t being a Perfectionist.
However, if you are driven by a fear of not being perfect or a need for
approval, you probably are.
If you have the Perfectionist Pattern strongly, you may find that you
often can’t turn in a project until you have reached the absolute deadline, or
you may consistently turn in work late. You may be afraid to finish a project
because then you run the risk of exposing your shortcomings and being judged
or, worse, ridiculed.
If your Perfectionist Pattern includes self-judgment about not being
perfect, it is also a Perfectionist Inner Critic.33 The Perfectionist Inner Critic
is a part of you, reminiscent of a disapproving parent or teacher, that judges
you harshly, saying that your efforts are “stupid,” “lazy,” or “sloppy.” You
hold these beliefs regardless of what other people say to the contrary. You
might also have difficulty accepting others’ praise for your work. Your
Perfectionist Critic focuses entirely on what isn’t perfect and fails to
appreciate what you do well.

A Perfectionist Pattern can also show up in concern over your

appearance. You may believe that you must be impeccably groomed and
behave with perfect etiquette in all situations. You may strive to keep a
flawlessly clean and beautiful house or to have a perfect family. With a strong
Perfectionist Pattern, you may strain to make perfect choices in every
situation, believing that any kind of mistake is an unspeakable failure.

A Story of a Perfectionist Pattern

Jeremy was always smart as a whip. As soon as you spent some time
with him, it was clear. And if you hung around a little longer, you’d see that he
was creative, artistic, and thought out of the box. Sounds like a ticket to
success, right? Not quite.
 Jeremy’s Midwestern family did not support his capacities. He wasn’t
a toiler but was inclined to hop to the end of a project because he didn’t want
to finish what wasn’t a challenge. His father was strict, critical, and often
deeply disappointed in Jeremy, as he was with his own life. They clashed
over and over.
Jeremy moved away from home and began to get some better
opportunities for success, based on his apparent talents. He wanted to please
his bosses in Silicon Valley and prove how skilled he really was. He would
take on a project and overpromise his deadline, when deep inside he knew it
was an impossible task. He would almost finish the job on time.
Then his Perfectionist would kick in, saying it knew he could do
better. He would work all night trying to make things perfect. This would lead
to his coming in late or not showing up at work. His bosses thought he was
lazy and not taking the job seriously. He was too afraid to ask for help or even
give his superiors realistic progress reports. He worried that doing this would
make him seem deficient. So he fell further and further behind and lost many
opportunities. This, of course, angered everyone around him.
At the age of twenty-three, he was against a wall. He had enormous
talent and a good deal of accumulated experience, but his work was grinding
to halt. It was clear that Jeremy needed to make some peace with his
Perfectionism and take back control of his life.
Jeremy’s story will be continued shortly.

Types of Perfectionist Patterns

There are a number of different kinds of Perfectionist Patterns.

The Not-Enough Perfectionist

You always believe that you must do more on projects because they
are not good enough yet. You work far too long on tasks because you are never
satisfied. You often work right up until deadlines or turn your work in late.
Your Perfectionist Part is afraid to finish projects because it believes this will
expose your shortcomings and lead to your being judged, and—even worse—
ridiculed. This is Jeremy’s Perfectionist.

The Creative Block Perfectionist

 You can’t produce anything because it has to be perfect the first time.
Your ideas are blocked because they aren’t good enough to put out. Your
Perfectionist Inner Critic doesn’t allow you to be a learner or to experiment
because both of those situations involve putting out work that is far from
perfect at first. This frightens your Perfectionist Part because it is afraid of
your being judged, shamed, or rejected if your work isn’t always perfect.
For example, Sarah suffered from writer’s block. She would sit down
to work on a paper, come up with an idea to get started, and then say, “That is
such a dumb idea. Don’t even bother!” Or she would say, “I’d better write this
really well or I’ll really be shamed when my teacher sees it.” As a result, she
wouldn’t be able to get started on the paper. She would just sit there trying to
write, and nothing would come. She was so afraid of being judged and
rejected that she wouldn’t let herself produce anything. She didn’t realize that
most people start out with writing that isn’t that good and then improve it.

The Control Perfectionist

Your world must be perfectly in control and in order. You must get
everything right. You must always do the right thing and make the right choice.
Your home and family must look perfect. You must be perfectly groomed and
behave impeccably. You exert rigid control over your behavior, which takes
away your vitality and spontaneity. Your life must be perfectly in control and
predictable in order for you to feel safe. And of course, this is impossible.
Your Perfectionist Part is afraid that if your life isn’t completely
perfect, you will be judged, shamed, or rejected because that is what
happened when you were a child.

Inner Critic
In order to enforce the goal of being perfect, your Perfectionist Inner
Critic judges you or shames you about your work or your life whenever it
feels that you aren’t living up to its expectations. It tells you that you are
stupid, incompetent, sloppy, inappropriate, or bad. You may end up feeling
worthless, depressed, or inadequate.

Your Perfectionist Inner Critic is judging you in order to get you to

work harder and achieve perfection so you can’t be judged or shamed for
mistakes. This Inner Critic type of Perfectionism may be combined with any
of the other types.
Note that it is possible to have any (or all) of the first three types of
Perfectionism without an Inner Critic if you strive to be perfect in those ways.
The Inner Critic comes in as an enforcer when you aren’t striving hard enough
for perfection. Its attacks are aimed at making you try harder to be perfect.

Working with Your Perfectionist Protector

Follow the normal IFS procedure for working with Perfectionism.
Access your Perfectionist Part and then unblend from it if necessary. Check to
see if you are blended with any concerned parts that don’t like the
Perfectionist Part, and unblend from them. Get to know your Perfectionist and
discover what it is trying to get for you by being perfect, or what it is afraid
will happen if it can’t get you to be perfect. Develop a trusting relationship
with your Perfectionist and get its permission to work with the exile or exiles
it is protecting.
Get to know the exile and witness what happened in childhood to
cause it to be in such pain. Then go through the healing steps of reparenting,
retrieval, and unburdening to release the exile from its pain. Once this has
happened, the Perfectionist Protector is likely to let go.

Jeremy’s Story Continued

Once Jeremy started exploring himself using IFS, he learned that he
had two critics—a Perfectionist and a Taskmaster. They worked in tandem to
logjam his capacity to succeed at anything he attempted. The Taskmaster
wanted him to work hard and show the world (mainly his father) that he could
achieve success with his skills by working in his own way. It pushed him to
keep working and to make promises about what he would deliver without
considering reality. By exploring his childhood memories, he was able to
trace the origins of these patterns to his relationship with his father.
“Nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough for my father. No
matter how hard I worked and what I produced, he tore me down and
criticized everything I did. I ended up with an exile that felt inadequate and
assumed I was going to fail regardless of how hard I worked. I also see that
my father’s approval was like a carrot always dangling in front of my
Perfectionist—a lure that was always out of reach. This part kept me in a
pattern where I would promise an outrageously high level of performance that
I couldn’t live up to. The Perfectionist was longing for something from my
boss that it really wanted from my father.”
Jeremy’s Perfectionist believed that he could always do better and
was reluctant to allow him to show anyone his work along the way. It chided
him and goaded him into redoing things again and again.
“I believed I need to completely ‘wow’ my boss to earn my keep at
work, so I was always second-guessing my work and trying to figure out how
to improve it. My Perfectionist was afraid of turning in work because it
expected to be criticized for it, and my exile desperately needed my boss’s
approval. I see now that my Perfectionist was trying to avoid being judged as
‘less than’ by my boss, which would reenact the dynamic with my father.”
A Procrastinator Part believed that turning in work would make him
an easy target for his boss’s sharp criticism, so it found ways to avoid those
deadlines altogether. Jeremy’s story will continue shortly.

Exercise: Working Through Perfectionism

Remember what it feels like when you are being perfectionistic. Use
that experience to access your Perfectionist Part. Go through the usual IFS
steps to get to know this protector and find out what it is trying to get for you
by being perfect, or what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t make you
perfect. Then heal the exile(s) it is protecting and see if your Perfectionist can
then let go of its need to be perfect.

Which part of yours is a Perfectionist?

What is it trying to get for you by being perfect?

What is it afraid would happen if you weren’t perfect?

Which exile(s) is your Perfectionist Part protecting?

Were you able to heal its exile(s)?

If you did heal them, did this permit the Perfectionist Part to let go?

If not, what is in the way?

The Ease Capacity

The Ease Capacity contains the wisdom needed to let go of
Perfectionism. Ease means accomplishing tasks in a relaxed, easy way,
without stress or striving. Your work flows naturally, and you don’t need to
aim for perfection. You balance your work with the rest of your life. With the
Ease Capacity, you are able to take breaks when you need them instead of
driving yourself relentlessly. You are also able to recognize when something
is “good enough” to be complete. Ease means recognizing that there are times
to push your work to be the best (such as in a job application, where typos
could cost you an interview), but there are also just as many times when it’s
fine to send out your work even if it isn’t picture perfect (such as in daily
emails to coworkers).
Ease also means feeling confident about your ability to produce
excellent work without stressing yourself out to make it perfect. You know that
you are competent, and you trust that even when your work isn’t perfect at first
(as it never is), it will be very good in the end. You can allow yourself to
learn new skills and experiment with new ideas without worrying about how
good you are at the beginning because you trust that you will do well over
time.
The Ease Capacity contains specific wisdom that helps combat the
false beliefs of the various types of Perfectionism. Let’s look at that wisdom
for each type.

Ease Capacity: Wisdom for the Not-Enough Perfectionist

Excellence doesn’t simply mean a lack of mistakes. It is much more
than that—creativity, presence, innovation, and so on. There are only a few
arenas in which a complete lack of mistakes is of overriding concern. For
example, in gymnastics competitions, proofreading, and brain surgery, it is
crucial to eliminate mistakes as much as possible. However, in creative dance
or creative writing, it is the quality that matters, not how perfect it is.
In addition, some projects require a high level of excellence, and
others just need to be good enough for their purpose. This depends on both the
nature of the project and your reasons for doing it. For example, Sam has been
working on the literature review for his dissertation. His Perfectionist Pattern
keeps telling him that he has to keep reading and develop a more complete list
of all the published articles in the subject area of his dissertation. However,
he has already been working on the lit review for a long time and has an
extensive list. He now realizes that it is more important to finish his
dissertation, graduate, and get on with his life. Having the most perfect
literature review is not so important; he needs to move on to other things.
Proportion and balance in life are very important for your well-being.
This includes the ability to take care of yourself, enjoy life, relax, be with
your loved ones, and so on. It also includes having time to spend on a variety
of other tasks that need attention. If you put all your energy into one project,
the rest of your life will suffer.

Ease Capacity: Wisdom for the Creative-Block Perfectionist

Mistakes are a natural part of the process of learning. In fact, you can
learn from your mistakes. When you’re learning something new, you can’t
expect to do it well at first. This doesn’t mean that there is something wrong
with you. You are practicing in order to hone your skills. It will never again
be as difficult as it is at first. It will get easier and easier as time goes on.
In the process of experimenting or developing something new and
innovative, you will naturally make mistakes. Your work won’t be high
quality at first because you are experimenting. In fact, this is not a time to be
concerned with quality. Such concerns would disrupt your creative process.
This is a time to be free, open, and creative, which will lead to high quality in
the future.
Mistakes are a natural part of creating anything. It is rare for a piece of
work to come out perfect at first. Usually the best approach is to produce a
series of rough drafts of increasing quality until your work is good enough for
your purposes.

Ease Capacity: Wisdom for the Control Perfectionist

 Uncertainty is a natural part of life. You will often be in situations in
which you don’t know the exact right answer or you don’t have enough
information to be sure about how to proceed. Often the right way can only be
found by trial and error or by nonlinear play and creativity.
You are OK even if you don’t look and act perfect all the time. Caring,
connection, creativity, presence, and other qualities are more important than
perfect appearance.

Ease Qualities
There are various qualities of Ease that you may want to cultivate in
your life, such as relaxation, flow, life balance, enoughness, work ease, trust
in your abilities, experimenting, and so on. Choose the ones that you want to
have and decide what you can do to cultivate them. For example, for
enoughness, you can practice determining when a project is good enough to
turn in for your purposes so that you don’t need to waste time trying to make it
perfect. For flow, you could practice allowing your work to flow naturally
from your interests, energy, and creativity rather than pushing yourself.

Exercise: Developing Ease

Think of a typical situation where you are perfectionistic.

What are the Ease Capacity qualities that you would like in that situation?

What can you do to cultivate each of these qualities in your life?

Which wisdom statements can you say to yourself to develop Ease?

When you are in that situation, practice activating and living from those Ease
qualities. How did that go?
 Jeremy’s Story Continued
When Jeremy started working on himself using IFS, he learned that his
Perfectionist Part was in fact trying to protect him. It believed that if it forced
him to make his work really perfect, he could prove to his boss that he was a
success and deserved appreciation and love.
Jeremy realized that he was behaving as if his boss were his father. He
knew that although his father had been harsh and critical, his boss was a pretty
nice guy who seemed fairly approachable when Jeremy wasn’t in the grip of
his fear.
“I did a reality check on the reactions I was expecting from my boss.
I’ve seen him in a lot of different situations at work, and he’s never flown off
the handle as my father used to. I made a checklist of my fears, and I realized
that none of them were going to happen with my boss—they were all about my
father. I was playing an old tape over and over, and it was time to let it go. I
pointed out to my Perfectionist that my father was no longer a threat, and it
understood.”
Jeremy asked for a private meeting with his boss and explained that he
wasn’t clear about his boss’s standards for his work. He asked if his boss
would be willing to give him feedback about a project so he could find out
where the bar was. He assured his boss that this information would go a long
way toward helping him meet his deadlines. Jeremy’s boss agreed to his
request and was happy to see Jeremy taking initiative to resolve the problem.
“At first it was hard to talk to my boss, but I knew it was the only way
out of my old pattern. I was never going to break the pattern unless I tried
something different. It was really exciting to see that I could take initiative and
create a different outcome. It helped me feel a lot more self-confidence.”
Over time, Jeremy’s boss communicated the standard of work he
expected, and Jeremy learned that he didn’t have to be perfect to meet it. His
fears died down as he discovered that his work was adequate. Also, even
when his boss did express criticism, he did it in a respectful, professional
manner that didn’t threaten Jeremy. Jeremy began to turn in his work on time,
and he got excellent reviews from his boss.
What if Jeremy’s boss had been more like Jeremy’s father? Then
Jeremy couldn’t reassure his Perfectionist that there wasn’t any danger, but he
could still approach his boss the way he did by asking for feedback about
what the boss wanted. Jeremy would have to strategize about how to deal
with his boss if he did get angry and then explain this to his Perfectionist Part
so it realized that Jeremy could handle the situation. After all, Jeremy is no
longer a child. He now has many more inner resources for dealing with
difficult people.

Summary
This chapter has described how to work with Perfectionist protectors
using IFS. It lists the four types of Perfectionism—Not Enough, Creative
Block, Control, and Inner Critic. It also discusses the Ease Capacity, which
transforms Perfectionism. For further help, see my book Letting Go of
Perfectionism or my online tool for personal growth and psychological
healing, Self-Therapy Journey,34 which includes a module on Perfectionism.
 Chapter 5
Depression
When you are depressed, your natural buoyancy, spark, and energy are
missing. You may feel lethargic and believe that there is no point in doing
anything because your life seems hopeless. It may be difficult to get up the
energy to do more than go through the motions of your life. You may have little
appetite, or you may eat too much. You may have difficulty sleeping or, on the
other hand, sleep too much.
You may isolate yourself from people because you don’t see any point
in trying to relate to them, and this may contribute to the sense of bleakness in
your life. Your inner landscape may feel empty and gray. You may feel
sadness and grief, or you may just feel dead inside. You could also feel
anxious and agitated along with your depression.
You probably also feel bad about yourself. You may believe that the
reason for your hopelessness is that there is something intrinsically wrong
with you. You think you are inadequate or worthless and that’s why your life
can’t work. You probably feel a lot of pain about this, though that pain may be
buried behind the bleakness.

Ginger’s Story
To understand depression better, let’s look at one person’s story.
Ginger had a good, well-paying job, but she lost it when the economy crashed.
Then six months later her mother died. This was too much for her; it threw her
into a deep depression that lasted for over a year. She felt listless and low
energy. It was hard for her to rouse herself to do much of anything because her
life seemed hopeless. She could barely do the minimal tasks around her
house.
Ginger reached out to friends less and less, and even when she was
with them, she was down and withdrawn. So she became more and more
isolated and alone. This increased her sense of bleakness.
 Ginger came to believe that there was something deeply wrong with
her. She couldn’t say what it was, but she just felt as though she was a loser
and so, of course, she had no friends and couldn’t find a job.
Though she had enough money at the moment, she knew it wouldn’t
last too long, so she had to do something to find employment. She continually
told herself that she had to work on her resume, do networking, and apply for
openings, but she couldn’t even start on these tasks. A part of her felt that
there was no point in trying because nothing was going to work. She sunk
deeper into misery and sloth.

Nonpsychological Aspects of Depression

Even though this book focuses on the psychological aspects of
depression, it is important to understand other forces that can cause your
depression or make it worse. You might have bipolar disorder (formerly
called manic-depression), which involves alternating between feeling
extremely high, manic, and invincible, and feeling deeply depressed and
hopeless. Bipolar disorder has strong biological roots, and many people who
have it must use medication in addition to therapy in order to resolve this
syndrome.
You might also have an innate biological tendency toward depression,
but this by itself won’t cause depression. If your upbringing or other
experiences in life push you in the direction of psychological problems and
you have an innate tendency toward depression, you will become depressed.
However, if you have a loving, healthy childhood, your innate tendency won’t
be triggered.
Keep in mind that depression can feel very biological, even when it
isn’t. Even depression that is purely psychological in origin can feel as though
it comes from deep in your body, not your mind. Don’t assume that your
depression is purely physiological just because it feels that way. Do the
psychological work to resolve your depression despite other remedies you
use.
A variety of medical conditions can cause or contribute to depression,
such as heart attacks, Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis, postpartum
reaction, and old age. Make sure you consult a physician to check on these or
other medical conditions.
Antidepressants can be helpful with depression. However, they can
have troubling side effects. They are especially useful if your depression is so
profound that it makes it hard for you to engage in therapy or function in your
life. Antidepressants can get you to the point where you can function and
where therapy can be helpful for you. However, I don’t believe that
antidepressants are a permanent solution. Therapy is still the best long-term
way to work through depression.
If antidepressants don’t work for you or if you can’t tolerate their side
effects, a variety of natural remedies can help, such as neurofeedback,
curcumin, and amino acids. These are unlikely to have side effects, and they
are probably good for your overall health besides. Make sure to look into
them. One of the best natural remedies for depression is exercise, especially
aerobic exercise. It can have a powerful effect on alleviating depression.
Give it a try.

Depressing Protectors
Now let’s look at the psychological causes of depression. A
depressed part can be either a protector or an exile. Let’s look at protectors
first.
Protectors That Block Hope
One common cause of depression is having a protector that doesn’t
want you to feel hopeful. Such a protector doesn’t actually feel hopeless. It
makes you feel hopeless in order to keep you from feeling hopeful and then
suffering the disappointment of not getting what you were hoping for.
Therefore, it is more accurate to call it a Depressing Protector rather than a
Depressed Protector. It is afraid of your feeling devastated if you are
disappointed. It believes that if you are hopeful and your hopes don’t work
out, or if you fail at what you are trying to accomplish, you will be devastated.
It isn’t just worried about your being disappointed; it is afraid you will be
devastated in such a severe way that you couldn’t handle it. Its fear probably
goes back to times in childhood when you were hopeful and then your hopes
were dashed and you were devastated.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that your hopelessness is realistic or that
your Depressing Protector feels hopeless. It is purposely trying to make you
feel hopeless to protect you from devastation. However, even though it is
causing your depression, its heart is in the right place; your Depressing
Protector is trying to protect you from pain. So you can get to know it and
connect with it.
Of course, the pain this Depressing Protector causes you is far greater
that the actual disappointment you might feel if your hopes failed to
materialize. But your protector doesn’t realize that.

Protectors That Depress Your Energy

A Depressing Protector may squash your energy so that you can’t feel
the underlying pain or trauma of your exiles. This protector believes that you
can’t tolerate this pain. It is stuck at a point in your childhood when you didn’t
have the internal or external support to handle such pain. So it keeps your
energy low to prevent this pain from coming to the surface.
A Depressing Protector might also suppress your energy so you won’t
assert yourself or take risks, which the protector believes will lead to failure
or trouble. It thinks that if you took a risk and failed, you couldn’t handle the
disappointment. Or it may believe that if you asserted yourself, you might be
attacked or abandoned.
 In most cases, the depression that such a protector causes is much
more painful than what would happen if it allowed you to feel an exile’s pain
or if it allowed you to assert yourself in the world, but the Depressing
Protector doesn’t know this. It believes that it must make you depressed to
protect you from overwhelming pain or from the negative consequences of
being powerful and visible in the world.

Inner Critic Parts

Inner Critic Parts (see Chapter 1), which are protectors, can also
create or add to your depression by attacking you so harshly and mercilessly
that you feel bad about yourself. These Inner Critic attacks trigger exiles who
already feel inadequate or worthless, and the attacks make the exiles feel even
worse, which contributes to depression.
An Underminer Inner Critic aims to undermine your self-confidence
and self-worth to prevent you from taking risks that it thinks are dangerous. It
makes you feel inadequate and keeps you from moving your life forward.
Even more harmful is the Destroyer Inner Critic, which makes you
feel that you are worthless and fundamentally flawed. It may even cause you
to feel as though you don’t deserve to exist. Your Destroyer Critic may look
like a monster to you.
 Why would a Destroyer Critic be so harmful to you if it is actually
trying to protect you? It might have learned when you were a child that the
only way it could have any power was to attack you. It might be trying to
crush you before someone else does because it believes that it would be
worse if someone else harmed you.
A Destroyer may be trying to keep you from feeling and expressing
anger toward other people because, when you did this as a child, you were
severely punished for it. The Destroyer blocks your anger by turning it against
you, so your anger ends up fueling its attacks on you. It is very hurtful to be
attacked in this way, and by turning your natural expression of anger back
toward you, it crushes and depresses you. The Destroyer may not realize that
it is causing you to be depressed; it may just think that it isn’t safe for you to
be angry.

Therapist Note
Since the Destroyer Critic is such a primitive, harmful part, it is hard
for most people to deal with, so your client will need all the help you can
offer. Your client may need your help to get his or her concerned part (Inner
Defender) to step aside. Once clients are aware that they are being attacked
by a Destroyer Critic, their Inner Defender usually hates it and wants to get
rid of it. You can help your client to be more open to the Destroyer by
explaining how it might be trying to protect him or her. Reassure the Inner
Defender that you won’t let the Destroyer crush the client; instead you are
going to get to know the Destroyer and find out what it is trying to do for the
client. See Chapter 1: “Your Inner Critic Isn’t as Power and Intimidating as It
Seems” for a good example of the positive intent of a Destroyer.

Healing a Depressing Protector

To work with a Depressing Protector, follow the normal IFS
procedure for working with protectors. Access the Depressing Protector and
separate from it if necessary.35 Then unblend from any concerned parts—
protectors that don’t like the Depressing Protector, are angry at it, or want to
get rid of it.36 It is natural that a part of you might be quite angry at a
Depressing Protector and want to overpower it or do away with it. However,
this won’t work in the long run. If you remember that your Depressing
Protector is making you depressed in an effort to protect you from pain that it
thinks is unbearable, this will help you access a place of understanding and
compassion for the protector (Self). Then you can continue to become
acquainted with this protector and find out what it is afraid of and what it is
trying to protect you from.37
Getting into Self is especially hard with an Underminer or Destroyer
Inner Critic. Since these parts intend to undermine you and crush you, it is
understandable that you may hate them for what they have done to you.
However, even a Critic like this has a positive intent, and you may be
surprised to discover what it is. See Freedom from Your Inner Critic for
examples of the positive intent of these Critics.
Once you have discovered the positive intent of a Depressing
Protector, develop a trusting relationship with it.38 Then get its permission to
work with the exile it is protecting,39 and go through the IFS steps for healing
this exile.40 Once this is complete, the protector is likely to let go of its role in
creating depression.41 If it is protecting more than one exile, you will need to
heal each of them before the protector can let go.

Depressed Exiles
A Depressed Exile isn’t trying to make you depressed (like a
Depressing Protector)—it just feels depressed. There are two main types of
Depressed Exiles (though any given exile may be of both types).

Shame
If your Depressed Exile has a Shame or Judgment Wound (from the
Pattern System), it feels bad about itself, worthless, and deeply flawed. This
comes from being judged, shamed, or put down excessively during childhood.
Or the exile may have believed that there was something wrong with you
because of what happened to you as a child—because you were neglected,
yelled at, hit, or abused. If you are now being attacked by an Inner Critic, this
makes the exile feel even worse about itself.
 The belief that you are no good and fundamentally worthless is very
depressing. You feel as though your life can’t possibly work out and that you
don’t deserve good things anyway.

Deprivation
Your Depressed Exile might have a Deprivation or Abandonment
Wound. These wounds come from not being given enough nurturing, caring,
touch, feeding, and love when you were very young. This results in “insecure
attachment,” which is a technical term in psychology that means a child and
mother don’t develop a good connection. Your Deprived Exile feels alone,
lost, uncared for, and helpless. It feels as though there is no love or connection
possible, that its existence is dark and bleak. No one was there for you as a
child, and the exile fears that it won’t survive. When you feel this way, it
seems as though it will go on forever. This is very depressing.

Healing Exile Depression

 To heal a Depressed Exile, access it, get to know it, and follow the
IFS procedure for healing exiles.42 Once the exile is transformed, your
depression will lift unless there are other parts that are contributing to your
depression.
You may have to work with an IFS therapist to resolve your
depression. Some issues are deep and traumatic enough that they are difficult
or impossible to resolve on your own. If you aren’t sure, you can try this work
on your own, but if you find that you are getting overwhelmed by emotional
pain or being bombarded with defenses (such as spacing out, getting angry, or
engaging in addictive activity), stop your IFS work until you find a therapist to
work with.

Therapist Note
If your client has a Deprivation/Abandonment Wound, this involves a
lack of secure attachment. Even though this issue can be resolved by forming a
healthy attachment between the client’s Self and the exile in the reparenting
step of the IFS process, in some cases your client may also need to do
attachment work directly with you. This means that you work directly on your
relationship with the exile (and the client), and you gradually become the
healthy attachment figure for the client. This can be powerfully healing, and it
provides the grounding for successful reparenting between the client’s Self
and the exile.

A Story of Healing Depression

Bree is a client of mine. She wanted to work with her depressed part
because it was causing her a lot of grief and making it hard to feel OK about
herself. As we got to know this part, which she called the Depressor, we
learned that it was slumped over and trying not to move. Any movement
caused intense overall body pain. If the Depressor allowed her to be active—
physically or in moving ahead with her life—the resulting pain was very
intense. The Depressor was protecting an exile who was in extreme pain.
However, before we got very far with the Depressor, a different
protector took over and made her space out. This part, which she called the
Spacer, didn’t think she could handle her intense exile pain, and it knew that
we were moving in that direction. She talked to the Spacer and reassured it
that she could handle the pain. It agreed to allow her to work with the exile,
but it wanted to be right there so it could take her out if the pain became too
much. She agreed to that and accessed the exile.
The exile was a three-year-old. Its pain came from being shamed and
physically abused by her mother. Bree witnessed the exile’s painful
experiences with her mother, but it was hard for the exile to trust her (or
anyone) since it had been abused and neglected by her mother. However, the
exile eventually came to trust Bree enough to allow her to hold and care for it.
The most important thing the exile wanted was to be taken out of that
abusive situation. However, first Bree entered the situation in Self and
protected the exile from her mother by setting up a barrier that kept the exile
safe. Bree also yelled at the mother and told her that was no way to treat a
child. Then she retrieved the exile and brought her into Bree’s current home
(in her imagination), where the exile could be close to Bree and safe from the
mother. The exile felt a lot better, but it still needed more time to fully trust
Bree.
Over the next few weeks, Bree continued to stay in contact with the
exile and hold it. She reassured it that it never had to go back into that abusive
situation. In our next session, the exile trusted her enough that it was able to
unburden its pain and fear.
Bree discovered that she had another exile who was in pain because
of not being loved and held, and this exile was also being protected by the
Depressor. This exile was depressed, sad, alone, and scared. Bree went back
in time and became the good parent for that exile, giving it the caring,
nurturing, support, and love that it needed.
This exile also needed additional time to make sure that Bree would
really be there for it, and over the next month Bree was able to do that. She
stayed in contact with this exile and kept loving it and caring for it, and the
exile gradually felt better and better.
In a session a month later, Bree checked with the Depressor, and it
was very happy about the work that Bree had done with these two exiles. It
said that it didn’t feel a need to make her depressed and inactive anymore.
Bree’s depression gradually lifted, and she felt a return of energy and vitality.

Exercise: Working Through Protector Depression

Remember what it feels like when you are depressed. Use that
experience to access your Depressing Part. Go through the usual IFS steps to
get to know it and find out what it is trying to do for you by making you
depressed, or what it is afraid would happen if it allowed you to be energetic
and hopeful. Then heal the exile(s) it is protecting and see if this protector can
then let go of it its need to create depression.

What is your Depressing Part?

What is it trying to get for you by creating depression?

What is it afraid would happen if it allowed you to be hopeful or energetic?

Which exile(s) is your Depressing Part protecting?

Were you able to heal the exile(s)?

If you did heal it, did this permit the Depressing Part to let go?

If not, what is in the way?

Grieving
Depression is often a natural outcome of grief. If you are grieving the
loss of a loved one, you will probably feel depressed for a while. This is
natural and doesn’t require therapy. You just allow the natural grieving
process to unfold. Your depression should disappear over time as your period
of grief comes to an end.
However, if your depression lasts longer than six months, your loss
may have triggered grieving about earlier losses in your life that weren’t
processed at the time. You may have been abandoned when you were young.
You may have lost a parent, grandparent, or other relative. You may not have
received the necessary support from your family to deal with this grief at the
time. Perhaps your family was overwhelmed and didn’t have the emotional
energy to help you with your grief. Maybe they tried to sweep the loss under
the rug and gave you the message that you shouldn’t talk about it. Or maybe
your grief was simply too overwhelming to handle at such a young age. This
left you with unresolved grief, which is held by an exile and defended against
by protectors.
Then when a new loss happens, it triggers this old, unresolved grief.
As a result, you need to do psychological work to resolve the grief from those
earlier losses so your current grieving can come to a close. You will need to
get to know the protectors that are blocking your awareness of the earlier grief
and then work with the grieving exile. Witness the exile’s grief and then see if
it needs any reparenting or unburdening to complete its healing.

Grief About the World

If you watch the news, which is oriented toward the worst things going
on, it is easy to get depressed about the world situation. There are so many
destructive and horrific events occurring and there is so much pain and
suffering that many of us feel sadness, grief, and possibly despair about them.
Furthermore, there are some trends, such as climate change, that make the
future of the human race look bleak. It is easy to get depressed about this. Or
we may have protectors that keep us in denial about what is going on in the
world so we don’t have to feel pain about it.
While it isn’t a good idea to be obsessed with negative news, it also
isn’t wise to be in denial. This prevents us from facing difficult local,
national, and world situations and therefore doing something about them. The
best approach is to open our hearts to the pain and suffering around us while
being aware of all the positive social movements that are working to make a
difference in the world. This keeps us in touch with the world situation
without becoming depressed about it. It also empowers us to contribute to
transforming our culture into a healthy, life-enhancing one.
 However, keep in mind that current events can trigger pain and grief
that comes from your childhood without your being aware of this. It may seem
that you are feeling depressed or in pain about the world while some of your
depression may come from your past. For example, suppose that you’re
feeling hopeless about ever changing the large financial inequalities in the
United States. Even though this is truly an important problem, your despair
about it might be rooted in your having being deprived as a child. Your pain
for the world is completely valid, but it may trigger deeper issues. In this
case, it is important to do the psychological work to heal the childhood issues
that are contributing to your depression.

Existential and Spiritual Issues

Life Purpose
You may go through periods of feeling empty and depressed about
where your life is going and what it means. You could call this a life purpose
crisis. This includes the well-known midlife crisis, but it can really happen at
any time in the life cycle. Up until this crisis occurred, you may have been
focused on creating a family or getting ahead with your career. That is what
gave your life meaning. However, at some point you realize in your depths
that this is no longer enough. You want more out of life. You want to have a
deeper purpose to your life, one that gives you a sense of passion and spiritual
fulfillment. You may want to help other people or contribute to a better world.
You may want to find a creative outlet or grow spiritually.
When this crisis happens, if you find a new direction and a fulfilling
sense of purpose, then all is well. However, most of us need to go through a
time of feeling empty and lost before the new purpose emerges. We may not
even realize that we are going through a life purpose crisis. We just feel empty
and lost; we feel depressed. If you realize that you are in a life purpose crisis
and approach it with a sense of open exploration, this time can be meaningful
and exciting. If you treat the emptiness as a “fertile void,” it can prompt a
spiritual exploration of the meaning of your life that leads to a renewed sense
of life purpose. If you don’t realize that you are in a potentially rewarding life
crisis, you can feel lost and depressed, and your life can seem hopeless. Even
worse, this despair can become chronic and intermix with other causes of
depression, making it harder to tease out and work through.
 Therefore, when you are depressed, ask yourself if you are facing this
kind of a life crisis. If you are, recognize that the emptiness you feel is not a
sign that anything is wrong. You are being called to look deeply inside
yourself. Allow the feeling of emptiness to be there without losing hope. You
are in a creative time of renewal. Look deeply inside to discover how you are
called to contribute. Recognize that this may take some time and embrace the
exploration.

Aging and Death

As we age, we face the gradual failing of our body and the approach
of death. Some of us face potentially life-threatening illnesses. The future can
seem bleak, with the prospect of further illness and physical breakdown. This
can lead to hopelessness and depression.
What’s needed in these challenging times is a spiritual approach to
your life. If you only focus on the external changes that are happening to you, it
can indeed feel depressing. It looks as though everything in your life is going
downhill. However, this can be a time of spiritual deepening and renewal. At
these times, we are called to let go of our focus on external success and
comfort, and look into our depths. What is the deeper meaning of our
existence? Can we connect to a higher power? Maybe it is important to reflect
on what our life has meant. Can we learn to be fully present in the moment?
Can we open ourselves to the divine presence of love?
If we can focus our attention in this spiritual direction, aging and the
approach of death can be a time of fulfillment rather than depression.

Developing Aliveness and Hope

The Aliveness Capacity is what transforms depression. When your
Aliveness Capacity is activated, you accept yourself just as you are and feel
good about yourself. You realize that you are a worthwhile person and that
you deserve to have a fulfilling life. Your energy returns and you have the
vitality to live an engaged, productive life. You have hope for your future, and
you expect to succeed at tasks and projects that you take on. Therefore, you
can make plans for moving your life forward, and you don’t hesitate to take
whatever action is needed to do this.
 You also feel confident in your interactions and relationships with
people. You expect that most people will be interested in you. If you have
little bouts of low self-esteem or hopelessness, you realize that these are
temporary and will pass.
In addition to healing the parts that are causing your depression, you
can also work on developing Aliveness. You can practice activating various
aspects of Aliveness in your life, such as hope, vitality, self-esteem, energy,
work confidence, action, and social confidence. It is especially useful to
activate these qualities in situations where you would normally be depressed.
Decide which of these qualities you want to have or have more of. For each
one, plan how to practice it in your life and choose activities and attitudes that
will enhance it. For example, to have more energy, plan on getting a fair
amount of aerobic exercise on a regular basis, especially by engaging in
activities that you enjoy, such a dancing or sports. To have more work
confidence, remind yourself of all the work projects you have done well. If
you need help, ask friends, coworkers, or your supervisor to remind you what
you have accomplished.
 Exercise: Developing Aliveness
Think of a typical situation that makes you depressed.

What are the aspects of Aliveness that you would like to have in that
situation?

How can you practice and develop each of these qualities?

When you are in that situation, practice living from those Aliveness qualities.

How did that go?

Summary
This chapter has explored how to use IFS to work with depression,
which can be a protector or an exile. We explored how grief, a life purpose
crisis, or aging can lead to depression and what to do about it. This chapter
has also explained how to develop Aliveness and hope in place of
Depression. For further help, see my online tool for personal growth and
psychological healing, Self-Therapy Journey,43 which includes a module on
Depression.
 Chapter 6
Anger and Disowned Anger
Anger is an emotion that is problematic for many of us. With other
emotions, the main question is usually whether or not to feel or show the
emotion. With anger, the situation is more complicated because anger can be
harmful and destructive when acted out. Therefore, many of us have
conflicting attitudes about anger. We live in a violent society, surrounded by
examples of the destructive effects of anger, and some of us have been victims
of it. Anger and violence are sometimes also celebrated—in war, gangs,
sports, and criminal TV shows. Working with anger in therapy is therefore
tricky and complex. It is too easy to just assume that anger is always bad and
disown it completely, while it actually has a positive role to play in our lives.
Anger can arise in various ways in IFS work, depending on which part
holds the anger, what function the anger serves, and whether the anger is
disowned. Each situation requires a different approach. Protector anger that is
acted out in your life needs to be understood so you can heal the exile being
protected and the protector can let go. Expressing such anger is usually not a
good idea. Exile anger, on the other hand, needs to be welcomed and
expressed in sessions in order to fully witness the exile and also as a way of
helping the exile feel protected and safe from harm. Disowned anger also
needs to be expressed in sessions as a way of accessing and developing your
strength and healthy aggression.

Protector Anger
An angry protector may use anger as a way to avoid feeling the pain of
an exile. Because of this, your anger may arise in situations in which it is
inappropriate, and it may be more extreme than is warranted.
For example, when James is rejected by a woman he has been dating,
he often feels very angry at her. He doesn’t express the anger to her, but it can
become pretty intense inside. This anger is an attempt to protect him from
feeling the pain of an exile who feels hurt and unlovable. It distracts him from
those vulnerable emotions and substitutes a feeling that is more acceptable to
him.
 Protector anger may also be an attempt to protect an exile from a
perceived external threat, because anger stimulates aggressive behavior to
keep people from harming you. For example, whenever someone acts
controlling or dominant toward Marlene, or when she perceives their
behavior in this way, a protector of hers is activated that feels angry at the
person.
Marlene often expresses her anger at the person she feels controlled
by. She tries to prove to the person that he or she is wrong for trying to control
her. This is an attempt to protect the exile from being dominated. Because
Marlene’s anger is protector-driven, it tends to be out of proportion to what
the other person has actually done. As a result, it often offends people or
makes them worry that Marlene will get out of control. They respond with
increased attempts to control her, which results in exactly what her Angry Part
fears.
There are four situations involving protector anger, each requiring a
somewhat different strategy:

1. The anger is being acted out in your life.

2. The anger is felt, but the Self refrains from acting it out.

3. The anger is felt, but protectors suppress it, with perhaps occasional
outbursts.

4. The anger is disowned.

We will explore each of them separately.

Protective Anger Being Acted Out

When protector anger is being acted out, you express anger in ways
that are extreme, nasty, violent, or inappropriate to the situation. You may be
like a simmering pot that can explode at any moment. You may hold onto
resentment or seek revenge. In this case, the protocol for IFS work is
straightforward. You access Self, get to know the angry protector, and develop
a trusting relationship with this part. Then you get permission to work with the
exile it is protecting, witness the origins of its pain, and go through the steps
to unburden the exile. Then the protector can let go of its anger because there
is no longer a need to protect this exile.
Marlene worked with her Angry Part and developed some
appreciation of why it felt such an intense need to protect her from being
controlled. Then she accessed the exile who had been rigidly controlled by
her parents. She witnessed this childhood situation and the exile’s feelings of
being cornered and powerless. Then, in her imagination, she retrieved the part
from that situation and brought it into a situation where it had the freedom it
craved. Then the exile went through an unburdening process in which it
released its feelings of being dominated and powerlessness. Once this exile
was unburdened, Marlene’s Angry Part could let go of its need to protect her.
 When anger is being acted out, it is often helpful to do additional work
on learning to contain it and interact with others appropriately. First you need
to get to know the Angry Part and develop a trusting relationship with it so
that you (in Self) can help the part refrain from acting out.
For example, Marlene had a tendency to flip out at work and yell at
her boss. After working on this issue for a while, Marlene got to know her
Angry Part and understood that it was trying to protect her from being
dominated by him. Even though it was creating problems, Marlene
appreciated its attempts to protect her. This helped the part trust her.
Marlene made an agreement with her Angry Part that when Marlene
got angry at work, her Self could intervene and take a time-out to cool down
before Marlene’s Angry Part yelled at anyone. This Self-leadership kept her
from getting into trouble and actually reduced the reactions from her boss that
were upsetting her Angry Part.

Exercise: Working Through Excessive Anger

If you tend to act out your anger excessively, do a regular IFS session with
your Angry Part. Get to know it and discover what it is trying to get for you by
being angry or what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t get angry. Develop a
trusting relationship with the Angry Part and then get permission to heal the
exile(s) it is protecting. When you have healed that exile, see if the Angry Part
can let go of its anger.

Angry Part:

Positive intent of Angry Part:

Exile(s) it is protecting:

Did you get the Angry Part to trust you?

Did it give you permission to work with its exile(s)?

What happened in doing the healing steps with the exile(s)?

Was the Angry Part then willing to let go of its anger?

Constructive Communication of Anger

It is helpful to learn communication skills that involve speaking for an
angry part rather than speaking as it. You learn to speak for a part by making
statements such as, “A part of me got angry when you said that.” When you are
speaking for a part, you are in Self. When you are speaking as the part, you
are blended with it and acting out its feelings. If you were blended with an
Angry Part, you might say things such as, “You are such a controlling
bastard!”
When you speak for angry parts, you are owning your reaction. After
all, it is your reaction to the other person. Other people might react differently.
You are letting the person know how his or her behavior impacted you and
perhaps asking him or her to change, but you aren’t blaming the person for the
problem. This way, you aren’t likely to trigger the other person’s anger in
return. This is the Restraint Capacity. You can also communicate what is
making you angry in a way that improves the chances that you will be heard
and therefore get what you want.
 It can be helpful to practice this kind of communication by role-
playing a life situation that involves anger. This will prepare you for
communicating anger constructively in real life. Ask a friend to role-play the
person you are angry at. Practice speaking for your Angry Part and let your
friend respond however seems right. Continue the interaction and see if the
two of you can work it out. Chapter 9 goes into much more detail about
skillful communication of this kind.
Ultimately, you want to work with this kind of anger in the regular IFS
way for it to be unburdened, but it may be necessary to learn constructive
communication of anger first. With Marlene, after she stopped acting out her
anger at work, there was more peace in the office, which helped her Angry
Part calm down.
In addition, by speaking for her Angry Part, Marlene reassured the
part that she was now strong enough to speak up for her needs, so the part
realized that she was less likely to be dominated. Therefore, her Angry Part
felt less of a need to take over. Then in her IFS therapy, it was easier to get
permission from the Angry Part to access the exile it was protecting and go
through the healing process.
 In some cases, it can be helpful to unburden some of your anger before
continuing with the rest of the healing process. This is often the case when the
anger is intense, bitter, raging, or vengeful. In these cases, the protector will
feel a need for the unburdening.
Unburdening a protector usually happens at the very end of the whole
IFS sequence, after the exile has been unburdened, but in some cases it can be
helpful to unburden some of the anger that the protector is carrying before
working with the exile. This helps calm things down internally because the
parts that are polarized with the Angry Part will also become less intense. For
example, Marlene had a part that shamed her for losing control of her anger at
work. Once she learned Restraint with her Anger, this part was able to relax.
The procedure for unburdening anger is similar to what is used with
an exile. You sense where the anger is carried in the protector’s body, and
then the protector releases some of the anger to one of the elements—light,
water, wind, earth, fire, or anything else.
Unburdening some of your anger supports your Restraint Capacity and
helps you to be less provocative in interactions with people. And since you
won’t be provoking other people’s anger so much, your Angry Part won’t get
triggered so much. This can make the rest of the IFS process easier.

Exercise: Constructive Communication of Anger

Choose a person you are angry with who might be able to hear you.
Set up a role-playing situation where you can practice talking to this person in
a constructive way. If you can, arrange to have a friend role-play this other
person. Explain to your friend how the person is likely to react. Express your
concerns by speaking for your Angry Part Then your friend role-plays this
person responding. If your friend responds in a way that doesn’t fit what the
person would say, give him or her feedback so he or she can role-play the
person accurately. Notice how you respond to your friend playing the person
and continue the dialogue. If you slip up and start dumping your anger on the
person, rewind your role-play and try again.

What did you say in speaking for your Angry Part?

How did the role-playing person respond?

Were you able to stay in Self during the dialogue?

Did your friend (role-playing the person) hear your concerns?

If not, what might you do differently?

Rage Felt but Suppressed

Sometimes a protector has anger, or even rage, that you feel but you
don’t act out. Even though this anger isn’t being acted out explicitly, you may
feel resentful and annoyed much of the time. Your anger may leak out in subtle
ways that poison your relationships, and sometimes you may explode in rage
(see below).
In this case, you anger or rage isn’t being acted out because it is
suppressed by a protector. This protector suppresses the anger because of the
danger of its being destructive. Sometimes there really is a danger that you
might express your anger. In other cases, there is no danger that you would act
it out, but a protector is afraid of that because your anger was punished as a
child.
Suppression is common with firefighter rage, which often carries a
tremendous charge that frightens managers.44 This tends to cause a
polarization45 in your internal system because managers arise to try to stop the
rage from being acted out. These managers vilify the enraged part. If you see
an image of the enraged firefighter, it often looks nasty and evil.
For example, one of my clients would get enraged at people whom he
perceived as not respecting him, though he didn’t express it to them. His rage
was experienced by an angry firefighter but suppressed by a manager that
realized it could get him into trouble. Instead, it ate away at him inside.
Suppressing anger is fundamentally different from refraining from
expressing anger. Suppression comes from an Inner Controller46 that tries to
exile the Angry Part and often criticizes or shames it. Refraining from
expressing anger comes from the Self, or from that aspect of the Self that I call
the Restraint Capacity, which involves choosing not to express anger because
it wouldn’t be helpful. The Restraint Capacity makes no judgment about the
anger. You accept your anger, and you may even appreciate the reason you are
angry, but you don’t act on it.

Occasional Outbursts of Rage

Suppose you suppress your anger most of the time so you don’t even
feel it, but occasionally you lose control in an angry outburst or explode in
rage. These explosions may scare you as well as other people.
For example, Don didn’t have a big issue with anger most of the time,
but every once in a while his wife would do something that triggered him to
go on an angry rant at her. Whenever he did, she would be scared and deeply
hurt. He would have no idea what happened and would feel terrible about
what he had done. He vowed to never do it again, but sooner or later he did.
When Don went inside to work on his Angry Part in an IFS session, he
saw it as a huge, powerful demon. This image didn’t represent what the part
was actually like. Instead, it showed how much the part has been vilified in
his mind. In other words, when Don was seeing the part as a demon, he wasn’t
in Self—he was blended with his Inner Controller, which saw his Angry Part
as evil.

How to Work with Rage That Is Suppressed

Whether or not you occasionally act out your suppressed anger, here is
how to work with it.
Your goal is to get to know your Enraged Part in an IFS session.
However, this may not be easy to do, because access to your Enraged Part
may be blocked by your Inner Controller. You will have to get permission
from the Inner Controller to work with the Enraged Part. In order to do that,
you may have to get to know your Inner Controller and develop a trusting
relationship with it. Since the Inner Controller sees the Enraged Part as
dangerous and evil, you will need to gain the Controller’s trust and then
reassure it that you can handle the Enraged Part. You won’t encourage the
expression of the rage; instead, you will seek to understand the Enraged Part’s
positive intent and find out what exile it is protecting.
 Therapist Note
Explain that you (the therapist) will also be there to make sure that
nothing destructive happens while working with your client’s Enraged Part.

Once you have permission, you can get to know the Enraged Part and
integrate it into your psyche. As you do this, the rage will lose its intensity,
and the Enraged Part won’t be so threatening. In fact, the image of the Enraged
Part as powerful and evil may shift to something much different. The next step
is to get permission from the Enraged Part to work with the exile it is
protecting and then to heal that exile so the Enraged Part can relax, as
discussed above under Protector Anger Being Acted Out.

Exercise: Working with Suppressed Anger

If you tend to feel your anger and suppress it, access your Angry Part
and see if you can work with it. If your Inner Controller blocks this access,
work on reassuring the Controller that this is safe to do and that you won’t
allow the Angry Part to act out. Then get to know your Angry Part and heal the
exile(s) it is protecting, just as in the exercise Working with Excessive Anger.

What is your Angry Part?

What was your Inner Controller afraid of?

How did you reassure it?

What was the positive intent of your Angry Part?

What exile(s) was it protecting?

Did you get the Angry Part to trust you?

Did it give you permission to work with its exile(s)?

What happened in doing the healing steps with the exile(s)?

Was the Angry Part then willing to let go of its anger?

Disowned Anger
In IFS, we sometimes encounter parts that have been disowned or
exiled because their feelings or behavior are seen as unacceptable. Because a
part wasn’t acceptable in childhood, other parts of you banished it, and this
dynamic has carried forward into the present.
I call these disowned parts. A disowned part can be a protector, an
exile, or a healthy part.47 Anger is probably the most common type of
disowned part. If you have disowned your anger, you tend to lack
assertiveness or strength. You may even be passive, pleasing, self-effacing, or
lacking in self-confidence and drive. This is because your Strength (healthy
aggression) has become disowned along with your anger.
This process is common among girls and women, although it is not
confined to them. Because of both innate hormonal makeup and gender
programming, the expression of anger tends to be fostered among males and
discouraged among females. However, these are just cultural tendencies.
Some men disown their anger, and some women act theirs out.
 Let’s look at an example. Donna’s parents were judgmental and
shaming whenever she got angry. They gave her the message that she was
supposed to be a nice girl and not make waves or be aggressive. As a result,
her anger was disowned, and this was enforced by managers who believed
her anger was bad. Donna became meek and quiet, and had a hard time
asserting herself.
If you have disowned your anger, you may occasionally have angry
outbursts, due to the Angry Part breaking through. This anger is usually
extreme and inappropriate to the context. You may feel ashamed of these
incidents and believe they prove that you have an anger problem. However,
the real problem is that your anger has been disowned.
Disowned Anger can come from a protector, an exile, or even a
healthy part. When it comes from an exile or a healthy part, the part is just
responding in a naturally aggressive way to childhood insults or deprivations.
However, this anger can become extreme because it has been disowned. The
Angry Part reacts to being disowned by becoming increasingly and
irrationally angry.
When working with Disowned Anger, your goal is to gain access to
the disowned Angry Part and welcome it back into your internal family of
parts and into your conscious life, where it can live and express itself. It is
helpful to welcome even anger that is extreme, though it shouldn’t be acted
out. Witness the part’s anger and encourage it to express the anger in whatever
way it wants in a session. This is often a great relief since the anger has been
repressed for so long.

Therapist Note
If a client who has disowned his or her anger is angry at you, it can be
helpful to encourage the client to express the anger directly to you (as long as
you help him or her refrain from acting it out in an extreme way). By doing
this, you can demonstrate to your client that you welcome his or her anger and
can handle it. Of course, you must have already worked through your fears of
other people’s anger.

What About the Pain from the Disowning?

 Sometimes a disowned Angry Part will be carrying pain caused by the
way your anger was not accepted in your family of origin. For example,
Donna’s Angry Part felt ashamed because of the way her parents ridiculed her
for her anger. In this case, the Angry Part is both a disowned part and an exile.
It will need to go through the usual series of healing steps for an exile
(witnessing, reparenting, retrieval, and unburdening) to complete its work.
In other cases, the pain from the disowning may be carried by a
separate exile. For example, Donna’s Angry Part might only be carrying anger,
and an Ashamed Exile might be feeling the shame from what her parents did to
her. In this case, Donna’s Angry Part will only need to be welcomed back into
her internal family and encouraged to express itself, but the Ashamed Exile
will need to go through the IFS healing steps.

Strength
A disowned part often holds a positive quality or energy that should
be integrated into your psyche. For example, sexuality, spontaneity, and caring
are all positive qualities that could be disowned if they were unacceptable to
your family. When the disowned part is welcomed back, it allows you to re-
own this positive energy.
When anger is disowned, it isn’t the anger itself that is the positive
quality to be re-owned. There is a positive quality that gets disowned along
with the anger, which I call the Strength Capacity. Strength means healthy
aggression, aliveness, personal power, and the ability to assert yourself and
establish healthy boundaries. It includes the ability to be firm, take risks,
adopt a powerful stance in the world, and feel a zest for life.48
 Anger is a natural protective reaction to injustice, boundary
violations, mistreatment, or frustration of one’s aims. When our Strength
Capacity is activated, anger is rarely necessary because we can call on our
healthy sense of power, forcefulness, and limit setting to handle these
situations. We can be strong and assertive without frightening or harming other
people. However, when we exile our anger, we also exile our Strength, not
because we intend to but rather because of the way the human psyche
operates.
 By welcoming back Disowned Anger, we take a step toward
reclaiming our
Strength. This is especially true if we welcome back the anger in an embodied
way that includes feeling the anger fully and perhaps even expressing it. This
helps us to embody our Strength and personal power.
When you work on fully expressing your anger in a therapy session,
your focus is not on containing it or communicating it in a constructive way.
You want to fully embody the anger as a means of re-owning your strength.
This is not intended as practice for real-life interactions; it should only be
done in a therapy session or when you are alone. Practice for real-life
communication of anger is an entirely different process that involves speaking
for your Angry Part, as discussed above under Constructive Communication
of Anger.
Let’s look at Donna’s work. She first allowed herself to feel the
emotion of anger, which had been disowned. When this felt reasonably safe to
the protectors who had disowned the anger, I encouraged her to notice how
the anger manifested in her body in the moment. She noticed a clenching of her
jaw, power in her arms, deeper breathing, and upright posture. At some point,
she wanted to express the anger, which she did by yelling.
In subsequent sessions, I helped her express her anger even more fully.
One session involved hitting a pillow, another twisting a towel. These
activities allowed the anger to be fully embodied in a vibrant way. Donna felt
the strength and aliveness that were awakened in her by owning and
expressing her anger. She felt it as hot, streaming energy in her arms and a
feeling of potency in her trunk.
What if the anger that has been disowned is protector anger? Do you
still want to welcome it back? I mentioned earlier that it isn’t advisable to
express protector anger that is being acted out in your life. However, when
protector anger has been disowned, expressing it in sessions can be quite
helpful because you have two issues to deal with: (1) re-owning your anger in
order to develop strength, and (2) getting beneath the angry protector to heal
the exile it is protecting so the protector can let go.
It is important to re-own your anger first—to welcome it back into
your internal system and perhaps express it—so that you can develop your
Strength. Then you can get to know the Angry protector and heal its exile so
the protector can let go. This way, you get the benefits of both processes; you
gain Strength and let go of excessive anger. If you work on understanding the
anger as protection first, you may lose the possibility of regaining your
disowned Strength.
Reclaiming your Disowned Anger can also help you reclaim other
healthy capacities that were disowned along with your anger, such as
presence, freedom, or self-expression.

Working with Your Inner Controller

In the course of welcoming back anger, your Inner Controller may be
frightened of your anger or the associated Strength, so you will need to work
with it. I discussed working with your Inner Controller previously with
respect to suppressed anger; now we will deal with the Inner Controller with
respect to Disowned Anger.

Therapist Note
You must also pay attention to any of your (therapist’s) parts that may
be uneasy with anger. If you aren’t completely comfortable with anger, you
may subtly side with the client’s Inner Controller, or, at least, you may not
fully support and encourage the client’s anger when needed. If necessary, do
your own IFS work with your protectors so you can completely support your
client’s anger and Strength. At times, this includes encouraging your client’s
anger using your strong, powerful voice.

When your Inner Controller blocks your anger, first ask it if it would
be willing to step aside so that the healing process can continue. If it won’t,
ask what it is afraid of and reassure it about its fears. If necessary, spend a
session or more working with the Controller to relax these fears.
Your Inner Controller may be afraid that you will do dangerous things
with your anger. In fact, if you have rage that has been disowned, your Inner
Controller may be afraid that it will be explosive and destructive if allowed
to come out. Often the problem is that your rage has become so explosive
because it has been disowned. The more the Angry Part is exiled, the angrier
it becomes.
Reassure your Inner Controller that, as you get to know your Enraged
Part, you will remain in Self, and therefore the rage won’t get out of control. If
you express the rage at all, it will only be done in private, not toward other
people.
You can also reassure the Inner Controller that there are hidden
positive qualities associated with the anger and rage, namely Strength, which
will help you in your life. For example, once Don got to know his Angry Part
and welcomed it into his internal family, it looked and felt like a towering
column of presence, which made him feel solid and potent.
Your Inner Controller may be afraid that you will be attacked, judged,
or ridiculed by others for showing anger. Reassure the protector that if the
anger is expressed in your life, you (in Self) will remain in charge and not
allow any destructive acting out. You will express the anger constructively
and will choose situations where it is safe to do so. This is the Restraint
Capacity.

Therapist Note
Reassure the protector that you welcome the anger and would never
judge or ridicule the client for expressing it. (Do your own work on yourself
to make sure this is true.)

If your Inner Controller won’t step aside based on these reassurances,

turn your attention to it and give it a full IFS session or series of sessions,
which may involve accessing and unburdening the exile(s) that it is protecting.
This work will lead to the relaxation of the Inner Controller’s protective
stance. Then you can proceed with integrating the anger and Strength into your
psyche.
For example, when Donna first expressed her anger, her Inner
Controller was frightened that she would be abandoned by everyone for being
angry and strong. It stopped her by making her go blank so she couldn’t feel
her anger any longer. She reassured her Controller that she wouldn’t express
the anger inappropriately and that she (in Self) would be there for her Angry
Part. When her Controller still wouldn’t step aside, Donna worked more
extensively with it and the exile it was protecting. She witnessed how her
parents withdrew from her when she was angry. Then when she had healed
her Abandoned Exile, her Inner Controller was willing to step aside and
allow Donna to embody her anger in a session.

Finding Your Angry Parts

In some cases, your Disowned Anger may be hard to find. Your Inner
Controller may have blocked even your experience of anger, so you can only
get in touch with sadness or fear. In order to find your Angry Part, think of a
situation in your life that would be likely to trigger anger in other people.
Imagine that it is happening to you now. Check inside and see if you can
discover your hidden Angry Part. Look for any hints of irritation or resentment
and access the part that feels that way. As you get to know it, the anger will
become more obvious.
If your exiles only feel pain and never experience anger about what
was done to them, check to see if your Inner Controller is blocking your
exiles’ anger. Then work with it to allow your exiles to be angry. Explain that
you won’t let the exile act out the anger in the world. It will only be expressed
in sessions in reworking a childhood situation. And when the exile does
express anger, you will be there to protect it from the parent who might punish
it for its anger.

Exercise: Converting Anger into Strength

Find the Angry Part of you that has been disowned. Welcome the part
back into your internal system and invite it to express its anger. If your Inner
Controller blocks the anger, work to reassure it that expressing the anger is
safe. As the anger is being expressed, notice how it feels in your body.
Support the part in expressing its anger and feel the Strength and other
positive qualities that arise when this happens.
Hidden Angry Part:

How did you reassure your Inner Controller?

How did it feel to welcome back the Angry Part?

How did it feel in your body to express the anger?

What positive qualities arose?

Therapist Note: The Expression of Anger

In many cases, a part will experience anger and express it internally in
the client’s imagination. This might involve imagining shouting, hitting,
shaking someone, or even being violent. In many cases, the client will be
happy to engage in this internal expression of anger but show no desire to
express it outwardly, even in a session. Outward expression of anger isn’t
always necessary, but if the client has chronically disowned his or her anger
and strength, expressing it internally, though helpful, may not be enough. The
client may need to embody his or her aggression and express it outwardly in
order to gain full access to his or her Strength.
Therefore, you may need to ask the client if the angry exile would like
to express its anger physically, using the client’s voice and body. It is fine if
the client doesn’t want to do this, but if the client repeatedly avoids
expressing anger, ask if there are protectors that won’t allow this expression.
This usually uncovers the Inner Controller, which doesn’t think it is safe to
show anger or, in some cases, to be strong. You then have a chance to work
with the Controller to allow the full embodiment and expression of the anger
that will foster the client’s Strength.
It is especially important to work with any parts of yours that might be
afraid of the full expression of a client’s anger. If you have a history of being
frightened by a parent’s anger or physically abused, your exiles who
experienced this will need to be healed so you can be fully open to the
expression of your client’s anger.
Let’s look at an example. As a child, Diane had made an unspoken
pact with her father that if she deferred to him and didn’t develop her strength
or competence in the world, he would always love and protect her. Diane’s
father reneged on this pact, she is now in her fifties, and her father has died,
but one of her parts has nevertheless kept this pact. As a result, it has been
hard for Diane to become powerful and successful in her life, and she has had
difficulty asserting herself.
As we explored this in her sessions, the exile that kept this pact
expressed anger about it (as well as about the father’s betrayal) quite a few
times, but always silently through imagery. When I suggested that Diane might
want to express the anger out loud, she said the exile didn’t need that.
However, after many sessions like this, I became suspicious. I asked if there
were protectors that didn’t want her to express this anger outwardly, and she
immediately realized that there were.
As we explored this, we uncovered more protectors that prohibited
her personal power and that were connected to exiles who were frightened of
being strong and successful. As we worked with these protectors, they
gradually relaxed and stepped aside, allowing Diane to embody her anger and
aggression by feeling powerful in her arms and back, with deeper breathing
and fire in her eyes.
The next step was to express the anger through her voice, which
involved working with even more protectors who were blocking the outward
expression of her aggression and Strength. They were protecting deeper exiles
who were terrified of abandonment and death. As we unburdened these parts,
she was able to fully express her anger in an outward, embodied way. This
work has given Diane increased access to her personal power, allowing her
to assert herself in ways that have made a big difference in her life.

Integrating Anger into Your Life

Once you have welcomed back your disowned anger in sessions, you
must learn how to integrate it into your interactions with people in a healthy
way. At first, you may begin to feel unusually angry at people you are relating
to. You might snap at people or leak your hostility in other ways. The anger
that has been repressed and disowned all your life is finally coming out. Your
Angry Part may not only be angry about a certain incident that triggered it—it
may also feel resentful at having been suppressed for so long and angry at all
the ways you have pleased and kowtowed to people.
If expressing anger is a new experience for you, it may come out in a
raw form. You may go overboard with your aggression for a while until you
can find a constructive way to express it. The pendulum has been too far on
the side of suppression all your life, and now it may swing too far in the
expression direction until you can finally find a healthy place in the middle.
This may be very disconcerting for you as well as people you are
interacting with. Your Inner Controller may now feel justified. “Look at what
is happening. See, I told you that anger is a bad thing.” It is helpful to
understand that this new, problematic expression of anger is a temporary
thing. As you get more used to having your anger available, and as you work
on it further, you can learn how to express it in a constructive way that won’t
cause problems.

Therapist Note
When working with a client who has disowned his or her anger, it is
important that your client’s anger not be discouraged, even when it is extreme.
The expression of anger, at this point, is a healthy step in the right direction.
You don’t want to simply access and heal the exile being protected by the
Angry Part so it can let go of its anger. Even if the anger is coming from an
extreme protector, the client is in the process of re-owning his or her Strength.
It is important not to undermine this process.
In fact, part of the reason that the anger is extreme is that the Angry
Part is fighting against the Inner Controller. Be careful not to side with the
Controller.
 Get to know your Angry Part and appreciate the positive qualities it
can bring into your life, even if the anger is currently extreme. You might have
to work with your Inner Controller in order to accomplish this. Once you, in
Self, truly appreciate the Angry Part, it will often relax and become less
extreme. Once you (in Self) are connected to and cooperating with your Angry
Part, you can provide guidance about expressing the anger in a constructive
way in real-life interactions with people by relying on your Restraint
Capacity.
This supports the conversion of anger to Strength. The end result is
that you will be stronger and more assertive, and your anger, if it is there at
all, will be more appropriate to each situation. You may need to learn how to
interact with people from Strength rather than anger. This includes speaking
for parts, as discussed earlier, as well as finding other ways to be firm and
powerful without being reactive.
Let’s look at an example. My client Debbie had disowned her anger
all her life. Instead, she was a pleaser. In childhood, she was abused, both
physically and sexually, and had relatively little connection with her mother.
The only way she could cope was to try to please her parents. This pleasing
continued in her marriage and her friendships.
In our therapy, Debbie not only accessed and healed the exiles who
were abused and deprived, but she also uncovered her anger at what had been
done to her. As she expressed this anger in sessions, she gradually began to
feel angrier and angrier in her life. She identified a part she called her Inner
Bitch who wanted to yell at people whenever she felt they weren’t respecting
her boundaries or her needs.
Debbie felt ambivalent toward the Inner Bitch. While she appreciated
this part in some ways, she basically felt that it was a serious problem
because it threatened to undermine her relationships. In one session, I helped
her get to know the Inner Bitch in detail. It told her that its job was to keep
people from overpowering her and not respecting her needs. It would do
anything to protect her, and it didn’t care about the consequences. It really
didn’t like the pleasing part of her.
Her Inner Controller judged her Inner Bitch harshly. I helped Debbie
get her Controller to step aside so she could be in Self as she got to know the
Bitch. She came to really appreciate what her Inner Bitch was trying to do for
her and the strength it had to offer her.
 Once she conveyed to the Bitch her appreciation for it, the part
softened. It let go of its extreme angry posture and became quite willing to
work with Debbie to express itself through Strength rather than rage. The term
“Inner Bitch” was a somewhat derogatory name for this part; once Debbie’s
relationship with it shifted, she asked the part what it wanted to be called, and
it chose “The Bodyguard.” As a result of Debbie’s new connection with her
Bodyguard, its overblown, angry reactions gradually subsided and were
replaced by a solid ability to be assertive and set limits.
In this session, I didn’t try to work with the exiles who were being
protected by the Bodyguard. We had already unburdened them a fair amount,
and though there is probably more work to be done with them, it was
important in this session to support Debbie in connecting with the Bodyguard.
We will work with those exiles in future sessions, if that becomes necessary.

Exile Anger
Exile anger usually doesn’t show up in the way you relate to people. It
only arises in doing an IFS session when you work with an exile. Exiles
frequently feel angry at the way they were treated in childhood. For example,
Sally’s older sister made fun of her whenever she tried to play with the sister
and her friends. This caused one of Sally’s exiles to feel shame, and, in
addition, the exile also felt angry at her sister. Exile anger like this is different
from protector anger because it is felt along with the shame. If it were
protector anger, it would arise to block the feeling of shame.
 With exile anger, the exile should be encouraged to feel (and possibly
express) its anger with the Self as witness. In Sally’s case, the exile needed to
internally express its anger at the sister. This is part of the witnessing step that
needs to happen before an exile is ready to unburden. Witnessing an exile’s
anger may happen before or after the exile’s pain is witnessed. Then the exile
can unburden its pain and negative beliefs.
In this situation, you may have to work with your Inner Controller,
which is afraid of the anger being expressed, especially expressing it to a
parent who had enraged, violent reactions when you expressed anger as a
child. You (in Self) need to protect the exile (in your imagination) from the
parent’s angry reaction so the exile feels safe in expressing its anger. Self can
be as large and strong as necessary to handle even a large father. Imagine that
you (in Self) are much bigger and stronger than your father, and then protect
the exile from him so it can fully express its anger without fear.

Healthy Aggression and the Corrective Emotional

Experience
 When the original childhood situation involved harm of some kind, it
is helpful if you have access to healthy aggression during the healing process.
During the reparenting step in the IFS process, the exile often wants the Self to
protect it from the harm that happened in the past by stopping the parent (or
other person) who perpetrated the harm. This act of protection sometimes
involves expressing anger at the perpetrator, though it can be done in other
ways as well. This protection makes the exile feel safe and is therefore good
preparation for retrieving the exile and unburdening it. Sometimes the exile
wants to be the one to express the anger, with the support and protection of the
Self.
Whether the anger is expressed by the exile or by the Self in support of
the exile, it is more effective and healing if it is done with embodied,
expressive aggression. It provides you with the experience of feeling
powerful and strong and protecting the exile. This is a corrective emotional
experience that redresses the exile’s original experience of being weak and
powerless, and being harmed or traumatized. In fact, if you are working on
trauma, expressing anger in this way is often an important aspect of the
healing process. As you or the exile is expressing the anger, notice what it
feels like in your body. Feel the heat, the Strength, and the power.
Let’s look at an example. Walt had an exile who was intensely
activated whenever he was judged by his boss. The work with this part went
back to a childhood scene in which Walt was physically abused by his mother.
The first time he worked on this, I encouraged Walt to enter the scene as Self
and see what the exile needed from him. It wanted him to stop the mother from
hurting the exile, which he imagined doing. Then the exile went through an
unburdening process that seemed to be successful.
However, during the next week, Walt was still upset when he was
around his boss. When we worked on this in a second session, Walt’s exile
was still frightened of his mother. This time he felt a desire to stop the mother
in a much more overtly aggressive way. With my encouragement, he stood up,
repeatedly yelled at her to stop, and executed a series of karate-like kicks.
This gave Walt an embodied experience of the power of being able to protect
the exile, and the result was that the exile felt much safer, and its fear greatly
diminished.
This produced a change that lasted. Walt felt much more at ease with
his boss after that. The physical expression of Walt’s anger was crucial to his
ability to fully unburden the fear.49
 What made this aggression “healthy” is that it was only acted out in
therapy sessions, not in real life. The Self was in charge and therefore could
choose to act out the aggression when it would be healing and wouldn’t hurt
anyone. If this anger were acted out in the client’s life, it would probably be
harmful to others. The healthy way to handle this anger in real life would be to
speak for the angry part through skillful communication, as discussed earlier.

Exercise: Exile Anger

If you have an exile who is feeling angry at what was done to it in
childhood, make sure you have permission from your protectors and then
access it. In the witnessing step, encourage the exile to express its anger in
whatever way it wants. If it wants to express anger directly to the parent or
other person who hurt it (in your imagination), encourage and support it in
doing that. If necessary, protect the exile from anything the parent may try to
do to punish the exile for expressing its anger. Feel what expressing the anger
feels like in the exile’s body.

Angry Exile:

Who was the exile angry at?

How did the exile express its anger?

What did you do to support and protect the exile in expressing its anger?

How did this feel in the exile’s body?

Example Session: Transforming Rage into Strength

Dorothy was a participant in one of my classes in which I was
teaching about working with anger using IFS. She volunteered to work on a
part of her that was angry but had been suppressed.
Jay: OK, Dorothy, whenever you’re ready.
Dorothy: I have a sense of not having a right to live, and this has been
huge in my life. That message was given to me in so many different ways by
totally insensitive parents. Some of my difficulty in taking care of my exiles is
because of rage at my parents. There’s a part of me that’s saying, “No, I
shouldn’t have to do this. You’re the one who should have nurtured me.” I
can’t remember how many ways they made it clear to me that I shouldn’t have
been allowed to live—that I was a mistake. And what drove me crazy was
that my parents were so beautiful and real.
J: So the part you want to work with is the part that’s enraged at them.
Is that right?
D: Absolutely, and yet it’s terrifying.
J: OK, so it sounds like there’s a part that’s enraged at them, and
there’s some other part of you that’s terrified of the rage. Is that right?
D: Yes, that is right.
J: OK, so let’s start with the part that’s terrified of the rage. Does that
make sense?
The Terrified Part is a protector that isn’t allowing the rage to be
felt or expressed. We start with the protector so we can get its permission to
work with the Enraged Part.
D: Yes, totally.
J: OK. So go inside and focus on that part. And let me know when
you’re in touch with it.
D: Well, the part that’s terrified, I can feel it in my body. I’m shaking.
My knees are shaking.
J: Alright, say hello to that part to let it know that you want to get to
know it.
D: My whole body is shaking.
J: Uh huh. So ask that Terrified Part if it would be willing to separate
from you a little bit so you can help it.
Since her body is shaking with fear, I am assuming that she’s
blended with the Terrified Part. So I work on unblending.
D: It’s growling.
J: Let it know that we’re not asking it to go away—we’re just asking
it to leave a little room for you to be there so you can help it.
 I interpret the growling as a refusal to separate, so I attempt to
reassure the Terrified Part that separation doesn’t mean being dismissed.
D: It says, “I don’t trust that.”
J: So ask the part what it’s afraid would happen if it left you some
room to be there, too.
D: It says, “I’m afraid of her. I’m afraid of him. I’m afraid of
everybody. I’m afraid of the war. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Dorothy was a child during World War II in England and
experienced many bombing attacks.
D: I’m still feeling a lot of physical energy moving in my body, but it
isn’t quite shaking so much—it’s sort of like moving … in waves.
J: OK. Sounds good. And how are you feeling toward that Terrified
Part?
D: More tolerant, but not quite enough to be in Self. I’m not really
welcoming it.
J: See if that part would be willing to step aside a little more in
service of getting to the anger.
D: Something very strange is happening energetically—like angry
energy moving way inside my body.
J: Check and see if the Terrified Part is still there.
D: It’s OK. The Terrified Part stood aside.
J: So I’m guessing that its standing aside has led to this angry energy
that you’re feeling.
Now that the Terrified Part has stepped aside, she has access to the
Enraged Part.
D: It seems so … There’s an Enraged Part that’s like jumping up and
down, and it’s kind of celebrating that the energy has come forth. It’s a deep
black. And now it’s shooting sparks on a primitive level.
J: And how are you feeling toward it?
D: Surprised. A little bit curious. A wee bit frightened, but not
seriously.
J: Good. So just encourage that part to express itself, to let you know
about itself in any way it wants.
She seems to be in Self now, so I encourage the part to express itself.
D: It says, “I’m the pure energy of rage.” It’s doing like a war dance
… Oh wow, I suddenly got something. A therapist once said to me, “I bet you
felt responsible for the whole of World War II.” And here it is. If World War
II hadn’t already happened, I would have waged it.
J: That much rage, huh?
D: Oh, yes. It wants to kill my parents and almost everybody I knew
growing up. Not too mercifully, either.
J: OK. So just invite that part to do whatever it wants to do.
D: Whoa! My whole body is shaking again. Really shaking, like, my
arms are shaking—big, big gestures. Whoa!
J: Good. Let that happen.
Even though this Enraged Part is probably a protector, I am treating
it primarily as a disowned part. In other words, because her anger has been
suppressed, I think it is more important for her to feel it and express it in
order to develop Strength than to get beneath it to the exile it might be
protecting. That can come later.
D: Whoa. Yeah, now it’s really saying angry things. It’s saying, “I hate
you. I hate you.”
J: Yeah. Just invite that part to use your body and your voice as much
as it wants to, to express itself.
I am encouraging her to express the anger physically as a way of
more fully embodying the rage and therefore the strength.
D: “I hate you, I hate you.” Grrrr … argh. Argh … Grraah. [continued
shouting, growling noises] Yeah, it doesn’t want to talk in language.
J: Yeah, that’s fine.
D: Whoa!
J: What’s happening?
D: It’s shaking my body a lot—convulsively. Suddenly and
convulsively shaking my body. [more shouting, growling noises]
Now the energy has shifted. Now it’s a kind of invigorating energy.
Now it doesn’t have anger—it’s just energy. It’s amazing! Yeah. Because it’s
going up my spine and into my hands.
The anger has turned into pure Strength.
J: So let’s treat that energy as a part and just say hello to that energy,
that part. See what it has to say.
D: It’s amazing because now it’s going into my head. It’s really in my
whole body. And it’s not like anything I’ve ever experienced.
J: So ask it what it does for you.
 D: It says, “I’ve been trapped all this time. I am your right to exist.
And I’ve been waiting to move through you. I’ve been waiting to inhabit you.”
This makes it clear that this is indeed a disowned part, so we
welcome it back into her internal family.
J: Well, welcome it in!
D: Wow! I’m beginning to feel just the beginning of tears. Because in
some of the work that I did recently, I really was aware that before I was
born, someone wanted to get rid of me. And that fetus or embryo knew. So it’s
a long time coming—this energy.
J: So the tears come from your being moved?
D: Yeah.
J: How do you feel that energy in your body now—that right-to-live
energy?
D: It’s very physical. It’s a good thing you asked me that. Because I
can feel it in my fingers. I can feel it in my back. But it’s not enough in my
lungs. This past week I’ve had a respiratory infection, and when I was a baby
I almost died of one. So there’s this battle going on. This battle for life is
being reenacted. I don’t feel the energy going all the way into my feet. So,
like, my lungs and my feet are not letting it in, and yet I can feel it in my voice.
I’m speaking a little more loudly.
J: Just take some time to really enjoy feeling that energy in all the
parts of your body where it is. Really let yourself inhabit that—feel it, and
enjoy it.
D: Whoa. It’s really powerful! But there’s this huge contrast between
the whole rest of my body and my lungs and my feet, which aren’t letting it in.
Notice how much she is embodying the right-to-live energy, which is
Strength. This will help her to be more fully vibrant.
D: Now I can see an animal. It’s a panther or something. And it’s
growling. [more growling noises]
The part has switched back to angry energy, so I ask about the focus
of the anger.
J: Is it growling at anybody in particular? Does it want to growl at
your parents or your family, or just do it in general?
D: It’s saying, “Don’t mess with me. You’re idiots. Don’t tell me
about how I’m not supposed to be me. If you don’t like me, it’s your
problem.” [laughter]
 There are two healing processes going on here as well as at other
points in this session. One is that Dorothy is re-owning her anger and
developing Strength. The other is that she is reworking an old childhood
situation. Originally she was made to feel bad about herself and as though
she didn’t deserve to live. Part of the healing process with an exile is to
provide it with an emotional experience that is a corrective to that original
situation. In this case, the Self is supporting the exile to fight back against
the original harm. The exile is declaring its sense of value and right to
exist, and it is protecting itself from the experience of feeling that its life is
threatened.
D: It’s amazing that that came out of me. That’s something new! [more
laughter] I don’t believe that came out of me! Wow!
J: Joy coming up, huh?
She is responding to her anger and reworking the childhood
situation with excitement, and her laughter has a joyous quality to it. She
seems to be celebrating her Strength.
D: Oh, yeah. I like that. “If you don’t like me, it’s your problem.” Oh
wow! There are a lot of people I want to say that to from my childhood, and
adolescence, and young adulthood, including my family—my scapegoating
family.
J: So what are you feeling now?
D: I’m feeling relief. I’m still not quite breathing deeply enough in my
lungs. I’m getting more grounded in my feet. I’m feeling my toes more. And my
eyes are releasing a little. So it’s just the lungs that haven’t caught up yet.
[pause]
Yeah, I don’t know why I’m not breathing deeply enough, but the rest
of me feels amazing. You know, it’s just what you said, Jay, about regaining
Strength. I mean, the rest of me is feeling strong, in a way that’s quite
unfamiliar. I’m not used to this. This is extraordinary—quite alien to me.
I had taught the class about the relationship between anger and
Strength. Notice that the more she expresses her anger, the more fully the
energy inhabits her body.
D: The other thing I notice is that I’m not free in my shoulders.
J: So check now to see if you’re aware of any parts that are blocking
either the lungs or the movement in your shoulders.
Since the energy is still blocked from parts of her body, I ask about
the parts that might be blocking it.
 D: It feels like there’s a part that’s too young to speak. Oh wow! You
know what it feels like? It feels like a part that’s afraid of being born—that’s
afraid to come out of the womb.
J: All right. Let’s focus on that part. How are you feeling toward that
part?
D: I’m somewhat blended with it, but not too much. I feel concerned
for it.
J: So just ask the part to let you know, in some way, more about its
fear of being born.
D: Yeah. It says, “I’m afraid to stay inside, and I’m afraid to come
out.”
J: Ask it what it’s afraid of about coming out.
D: It says, “They’re going to let me die. And it will be no good if I
live, either.”
J: Ask it what it’s afraid of about living.
D: It just says, “It’s going to be horrible. She already hates me.”
J: And that makes this part really scared, huh?
D: Yup, terrified. Shaking, energetic shaking.
She has contacted an exile that’s afraid of being born. You may
notice that here, and in other places in this session, she has parts that are
very young and seem to have information that only older parts should have,
such as the fact that her mother will hate her. I think that young parts often
have access to information that comes from older parts without necessarily
realizing that this is happening.
J: Just see if there’s anything else that this part wants you to know
about what this was like.
D: It’s no good in there, either. See, I was born one month premature.
And they didn’t expect to save both of us. Ooh, you know what? Wow! I think
this little being knew something that my parents told me. I was about seven
when they told me this: My mother almost died when I was born, and they
asked my father which one they should save. And he said, “Of course, save
the mother. I can always have another child.”
What I’m getting now is that, in some sense, this part knew. It knew
that it wasn’t supposed to live. And there’s a part of me that would have
wanted to kill her … let her die. Yeah, there’s a part of me that’s saying, “Let
her die. Let me live, and let her die.” How about that?
J: So that’s some more anger.
 The exile’s fear has shifted to rage.
D: Rage—murderous rage. Ooh, you know what? I’m able to get more
air. Wow! I’m able to breathe quite a bit better.
As she expresses more of the rage, her energy is able to gradually
inhabit her body completely.
D: And there’s another rage that I’m getting in touch with, from
another exile. It’s an older exile that was seven or eight years old when both
parents told her the entire story, from before conception, about how terrible it
was for them.
J: So that’s the part that’s enraged about them telling a young child that
story?
D: Yes, because it was terrifying. They told me the whole thing. I’m
not going to go into the whole of it now. I mean, it was terrible for them, but to
tell me about it when I was seven-and-a-half …
J: Yeah, so just encourage that part’s rage.
D: Yeah, that part just wants to scream and scream. It’s saying, “You
don’t know who I am. You never knew who I was. You lived and died without
knowing who I am. Both of you!”
Yeah, it was totally terrifying, the story they told me—about her
pregnancy, and what they went through, and what they did.
J: So this part’s letting you know how terrifying that was.
D: Terrifying—totally terrifying. It’s a whole drama. I mean, it really
happened, but to tell that to a kid who isn’t even eight years old.
J: So, the last part you were in touch with, with the rage, has that part
gotten it out? Has that part expressed it? Does it need to say more or show you
more?
D: My body is shaking again, a lot.
J: Shaking with fear or rage?
D: No, no. It’s just shaking with energy.
This shaking is probably the expression of the fear. The fear is being
experienced and expressed without being blocked. I think the shaking is
also a release or spontaneous unburdening of the fear.
J: All right. Just let that happen.
D: Yeah. It’s like wildly shaking my knees and my arms. And actually,
now it’s shaking my whole body. Yeah, wow! Ooh. And the Panther is
showing up again. It seems like it is happy about what we’re doing. And I’m
identifying with being a cat, the teeth and the claws. [pause]
 J: What needs to happen next?
Now that she has paused, it seems that she has now felt and
expressed her rage and embodied her Strength as much as she needs to, at
least for this session. So now she switches her attention to one of the exiles
that she accessed.
D: I just want to see if I can find that exile and check in with it.
J: Which—the seven-year-old or the one before birth?
D: The one being born.
J: OK, good. So check in with that.
D: It wants me to bring her into my belly. And it wants me to keep
remembering that she’s in there, so she’s able to feel herself.
She is now reparenting this exile.
J: So she’s going to be your baby, huh?
D: Yeah. She wants to be my baby. And she wants to stay there as long
as she wants to, until we do more work with her so that she’s ready to be
born. So I’m taking her into myself. And I’m asking her if she’s OK now, and
she says yes.
J: Good. That’s perfect. You can let her stay there as long as she needs
and work with her more, until she’s ready to be born … So let’s stop there.
There is more work to do with this exile who was afraid to be born,
but this is enough for one session.
D: Thank you. Incredible!
This session demonstrates beautifully how re-owning one’s anger
and rage leads to Strength and vibrancy as well as increased self-esteem
and joy. It also shows how the expression of anger can be a corrective
emotional experience.

Forgiveness
The last step in the process of healing anger is to develop forgiveness.
This is especially useful for anger that you have been acting out. You learn to
forgive the person you are angry at—the person who harmed you. This doesn’t
mean condoning what that person did to you. It may or may not mean changing
your relationship with that person. It means letting go of your anger and
especially your need for revenge. It means no longer holding onto a grudge
toward this person. You might think that this is for that person’s sake, but it
isn’t. It is for your sake.
 Once you have worked through the anger and healed the exiles your
Angry Part was protecting, the final step is to let go of the anger completely
(unless it would be helpful to convert your anger to Strength). You may think
that you are punishing the other person by holding onto your anger at him or
her, but you are really hurting yourself. Anger can eat away at you and keep
you in a negative frame of mind. It can keep you from having peace, joy, and
love in your life. So for your sake, it is helpful to forgive the person and free
yourself from your anger.
You can do this through an unburdening ritual where you let go of the
anger. Or you can do it through an internal shift of perspective where you
forgive the person. If that person is someone you have an ongoing relationship
with, it might also be useful to tell the person to his or her face that you
forgive him or her. However, this is not the important part of developing
forgiveness. The important part is internal to you. Whether you say anything
directly to the person is secondary.
It is important not to push for forgiveness prematurely. Some people
who realize the importance of Forgiveness may expect themselves to forgive
the person who hurt them before they are ready to do so. Allow yourself to
fully feel your anger and express it first. Allow yourself to fully process and
heal the pain the person caused you.
If your anger is at a parent or other person from childhood who
wounded you, make sure you have fully witnessed what they did to you and
how it made you feel. The exiles who were wounded should be completely
healed. Any suppressed or Disowned Anger should be re-owned and
converted into Strength. And make sure that you are fully ready to forgive.
Don’t push yourself into forgiveness because you think you should forgive. If
you try to forgive prematurely, it won’t work. You may not actually feel
forgiving. One of your protectors may object and ratchet up your anger. Or
premature forgiveness may undercut the development of your Strength.
When you are fully ready, forgive the person or people who hurt you.
This will open your heart and free you to live in joy and contentment.

Help Sheet
The following is an outline of the various circumstances and dynamics
around anger that have been presented in this chapter and a summary of the
steps to deal with each one.
A. Protector Anger Acted Out

1. Get to know the Angry Protector.

2. Learn to contain the anger in life situations and how to speak for the
angry part rather than from it.

3. Get permission to work with the exile that the Angry Part is protecting.

4. Go through the steps to help and unburden that exile.

5. Help the Angry Part let go of its angry role.

6. Develop Forgiveness.

B. Protector Rage Felt but Suppressed, or with Occasional Outbursts

 1. Work with your Inner Controller to get permission to work with your
Angry Part.

2. Heal its exile so the Angry Part can let go, as in A3–A6.

C. Disowned Anger

1. Work with your Inner Controller to get permission to work with your
Angry Part.

2. Welcome the Angry Part into your inner family.

3. Express the anger in sessions in order to develop Strength.

4. Work with your Inner Controller to allow the expression of anger in

your life.

5. Appreciate what the Angry Part has to offer and develop a trusting
relationship with it.

6. Integrate the anger into your interactions with people as Strength.

D. Exile Anger

1. Witness the anger just as with any other exile emotion.

2. Work with your Inner Controller to allow the anger to be expressed

outwardly, if the exile wants to do so.

3. Encourage the expression of anger toward a parent during the

reparenting step as a corrective emotional experience, if the exile wants
that.

The Strength Dimension of the Pattern System

 We can summarize the concepts in this chapter using a graphic from
the Strength Dimension of the Pattern System. The opposing patterns are, on
the one side, Anger and, on the other side, Disowned Anger and the Inner
Controller. Strength is the healthy version of Anger because Anger is an
extreme way of generating Strength when you need it. If you have Strength,
Anger isn’t all that necessary.
Restraint is a healthy version of Disowned Anger or the Inner
Controller that involves choosing to refrain from acting out anger without
suppressing it or disowning it (which come from the Inner Controller). The
Strength and Restraint Capacities can be naturally integrated. Forgiveness is
also a healthy version of the Disowned Anger/Inner Controller Pattern that
involves being able to forgive the person you are angry at. This frees you from
the negative effects of holding on to your anger. Forgiveness and Strength can
also be integrated. In fact, it takes Strength to forgive someone.

If you have the Angry Pattern, you need Restraint and Forgiveness to
transform it. If you have the Disowned Anger or the Inner Controller Pattern,
you need Strength to transform it. Make sure to re-own your Anger first and
then convert it to Strength.
 Summary
This chapter contains a detailed exploration of various ways to work
with anger in IFS. It shows that anger comes up in a variety of contexts and
needs to be handled differently in each one. In some cases, it needs to be
witnessed and healed in the regular IFS way. In other situations, you need to
learn to contain it and communicate it constructively. In still others, you need
to feel and express it fully in a session as a way of developing Strength. And
sometimes anger is an aid in the healing process. In many cases, you must
work with your Inner Controller to allow access to your anger.
For further help, see my online tool for personal growth and
psychological healing, Self-Therapy Journey,50 which includes modules on
Anger and Disowned Anger.
 Chapter 7
The Passive-Aggressive Pattern
If you have the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, you act in a way that looks
agreeable and pleasing on the surface, but in the end your behavior hurts and
frustrates people. You may only be aware of your desire to take care of
people and your fear of not pleasing them.
The clue to realizing that you may have the Passive-Aggressive Pattern
is when people you are close to often get frustrated or confused by your
actions. You may feel wronged when this happens. You may even say to
yourself, “I’m doing my best to be nice and agreeable, but my partner doesn’t
seem to get this. She keeps getting on my case for doing things that upset her.
But I don’t know what she’s talking about.”
If you are acting out the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, there is an
unconscious part of you that is resentful and defiant. This part may be irritated
at how much you give in to someone. Or the part may feel resentment toward
that person. However, that part doesn’t believe that it has the right to be angry
or defiant, so those feelings go underground. You act in seemingly agreeable
ways, but you add a mean little twist to your behavior that hurts the other
person. This is related to the Disowned Anger Pattern discussed in the
previous chapter.
 For example, your partner asks you to do something for her by a
certain date. You agree to do it, but then you forget about it until after the date
has passed, and she has to suffer the consequences. Consciously, you just
forgot, but your Passive-Aggressive Part did this on purpose to punish her.
Another example: There is a woman at work whom you find attractive.
You have no intention of acting on this because you are married. Your wife
has met her and is jealous, so she has made it clear that she doesn’t want you
to even have a friendship with the woman. Part of you resents this restriction,
but you push this into your unconscious and agree to your wife’s demand.
However, you decide to have lunch with the woman without telling your wife,
rationalizing, “I know I’m not going to have an affair, so what’s wrong with
just having lunch?” However, you “accidentally” leave a clue that alerts your
wife to the lunch. She is very upset. Your Passive-Aggressive Part has
“gotten” your wife in retaliation for her trying to restrict your contact with this
woman.
 It isn’t easy to know that you have this pattern because it is often
unconscious. In addition, most of us don’t want to admit to being Passive-
Aggressive because we see it as a character flaw. However, it is
fundamentally no different from any other protective strategy, so there is no
reason to be ashamed of it. Just try to be aware of it and work to change it.

A Passive-Aggressive Story
Whenever Joe’s wife, Marge, asks him to do something around the
house, he always agrees to do it but rarely gets it done. He either conveniently
“forgets” about it, or he does a little bit of it but doesn’t finish the job.
Sometimes he does the job but in a way that isn’t really what Marge wanted,
so she ends up having to redo it herself. In every case, Marge is left feeling
frustrated with Joe.
Joe appears to feel vaguely guilty about this, but it keeps happening,
and Marge gets increasingly angry. She begins to wonder: “Does Joe really
care for me? Because I feel like I can’t trust him anymore.” Marge has a vague
feeling that he might be getting back at her, but she can’t really put it into
words.
Joe keeps saying, “Hey, I’m only human. I just forget sometimes.” He
claims he would really like to give her all the things she wants.
This is Passive-Aggressive behavior in action. What is really going on
with Joe? He has a part that is a People-Pleaser. This part of him really wants
to make Marge happy by doing everything she asks. It is actually afraid of not
pleasing her. It is afraid that she will become angry and judgmental or that she
will withdraw from Joe if he doesn’t please her. Therefore, when Marge asks
Joe to do something, his Pleaser doesn’t stop to consider whether or not he
wants to do it. The Pleaser automatically says yes. It wants to protect Joe
from the pain of being judged or rejected by Marge. And Joe isn’t aware that
this is going on.
However, this is only half of the story. There is another part of Joe that
is Passive-Aggressive. This part has very different feelings about Marge’s
requests. First of all, it doesn’t see them as requests. It feels that Marge is
demanding things from him. It resents Marge for (what it sees as her) pushing
him around and telling him what to do. And the Passive-Aggressive Part is
even more resentful when Joe gives in. It feels angry at Marge and wants to
say, “How dare you tell me what to do!”
 However, the Passive-Aggressive Part is overruled by the Pleaser, at
least consciously. It isn’t allowed to defy Marge or get angry at her because
the Pleaser would be terrified of Marge’s reaction. So the Passive-Aggressive
Part is silenced. It doesn’t get to act in a direct way, and Joe doesn’t even
know that he has a part like this. The Passive-Aggressive Part can be
completely unconscious.
Joe has a lot of anger and rage held over from his childhood,
especially directed at women. Sometimes this anger is directed at Marge,
even when she hasn’t done anything to warrant it. Joe has parts that are
terrified about what would happen if he expressed this anger directly, so it is
hidden away where Joe is unaware of it. It feeds into the feelings of the
Passive-Aggressive Part in an unconscious way.
The Passive-Aggressive Part is not without some power. Even though
it can’t be directly aggressive the way it would like, it can be passively
aggressive. It can prevent Joe from giving Marge what she wants. It may cause
Joe to forget what he has promised to do. The Passive-Aggressive Part may
influence Joe to do a job in a haphazard way that will frustrate Marge or even
scare her by leaving it precariously half-finished. It knows how to get back at
Marge in an indirect way that Joe isn’t even aware of. And when Marge does
get frustrated or scared, the Passive-Aggressive Part feels satisfied because it
has expressed its anger and rebellion. Ha-ha! It has “gotten” her.
Joe has two sides that are at odds with each other. They are conflicted
about the best way to deal with Marge. The Pleaser takes charge directly
when Marge asks Joe to do something, and the Passive-Aggressive Part takes
charge later by acting out indirect revenge.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Here are some other examples of Passive-Aggressive behavior:
Pete’s spouse lets him know that it is important that she be able to
contact him at any time in case she needs help with the kids. After a fight, he
goes to a bar and his cell phone is out of juice. He is upset with her and
doesn’t want to hear any more of her anger, so he doesn’t bother to plug in his
phone to recharge it, so she can’t get hold of him.
Charles invited his wife, Donna, to go on a long bike ride with him,
even though he is a much stronger rider than she is. Charles was harboring
resentment toward her for a variety of issues in their marriage. About halfway
through the ride, Charles rode on far ahead of Donna. She got exhausted and
couldn’t go on, and she needed him to help her, but he wasn’t there. Donna
ended up feeling abandoned and scared. Charles’s Passive-Aggressive Part
indirectly expressed its anger at Donna by hurting her in this way.
Sometimes Samantha talks about her husband to a group of friends
when he is present. She makes little jokes about his shortcomings in a way
that may seem innocuous to their friends, but he ends up feeling ridiculed and
shamed. When he brings it up, she says she was just kidding.
Danny is upset with his friend Walt about things that Walt has done that
have hurt him. However, Danny doesn’t bring up his concerns. Instead, when
Walt phones or emails him, Danny just doesn’t respond. Walt ends up feeling
baffled and frustrated.

Relating to Others from the Passive-Aggressive

Pattern
Impact on Others. When you relate from your Passive-Aggressive
Pattern, you cause someone to feel frustrated and angry with you. The person
might also feel confused because he or she senses that you are causing him or
her grief, but the person can’t put his or her finger on why. You might also
cause someone to feel rejected or deprived because he or she can’t get what
he or she wants from you.
Misperceptions. You might misperceive your partner as being
controlling because of your Passive-Aggressive Pattern. Your partner might
simply be asserting his or her needs or asking you to do something in a
reasonable way, but you might see this as Controlling because you feel you
must comply even when you don’t want to.
Couple Dynamics. However, your perception that your partner is
Controlling could be accurate. It is fairly common to have a relationship
between a Passive-Aggressive person and a Controlling person. Each pattern
feeds into the other pattern in your partner. The more you are Passive-
Aggressive, the more your partner may become Controlling as a way to try to
get you to meet his or her needs. And the more your partner tries to Control
you, the more resentful you may become, which fuels your Passive-
Aggressive behavior.
Problematic Attractions. You may initially be attracted to someone
with a Controlling Pattern because it fits so well with your tendency to please
others. However, in the long run, a relationship with this person will work
badly unless you are able to change your patterns. You will soon resent losing
your autonomy and start being Passive-Aggressive as an unconscious way of
expressing your resentment and trying to get your autonomy back. This will be
very frustrating for a partner with a Controlling Pattern, and it will usually
lead him or her to judge you, get angry at you, and increase his or her attempts
to control you, leading to the couple dynamics discussed above.

People-Pleasing Behavior
The beginning of Passive-Aggressive behavior comes from being a
People-Pleaser and avoiding being assertive. When your People-Pleasing
Pattern is triggered, you try to comply with people to make them happy. You
may try to be who you think someone wants you to be and to agree with his or
her beliefs. You may try to make yourself think, feel, and want the same things
as another person, even if this doesn’t reflect your true feelings.
If you are in a relationship, a part of you may be trying to “merge”
with your partner and act the same as he or she does. If your partner expresses
an opinion about a movie you just saw, you automatically agree. If your
partner wants to go bike riding rather than hiking, you arrange your desires so
you feel the same way. This process is often unconscious and involves
ignoring your own opinions, feelings, and needs or distorting them so they are
almost always the same as your partner’s. You defer to his or her preferences,
values, and goals without quite realizing you are doing it.
 It is important to be able to distinguish between situations in which
you genuinely agree with someone and those in which you automatically go
along without even considering what you think or want. If you consider your
opinions and feelings and you truly agree with someone, that is not being a
Pleaser.
You might go far out of your way to please people and make them
happy, to the extent of sacrificing your own needs or boundaries. The People-
Pleasing part of you may accept other people’s perceptions of you without
considering whether those perceptions are accurate. When you know what you
want, your People-Pleasing Part may be afraid to ask for it for fear of people
being angry at you.
Of course, there is nothing wrong about wanting to make another
person happy. The problem arises when you do this without even considering
what would make you happy or when you try to please others at your own
expense. You might even try to please people when those particular actions
end up causing you hardship. There may be special circumstances when it
would be a loving gesture to sacrifice your well-being to help someone who
is in serious trouble. However, if you do this very often, you probably have
the People-Pleasing Pattern.
If you are stuck in a situation in which someone has power over you,
such as your boss at work, and the person wouldn’t be receptive to your
bringing up your concerns or disagreements, you may consciously choose to
please him or her even though you would prefer not to. When this is a
conscious choice and the situation doesn’t really allow you to assert yourself
successfully, pleasing might be your best option. This wouldn’t be the People-
Pleasing Pattern, because you aren’t doing it to protect an exile. However,
make sure that you aren’t really avoiding standing up for yourself in a way that
might be successful.

The Psychology of People-Pleasing

Now let’s look at the underlying psychology behind People-Pleasing.
The People-Pleasing Part of you is afraid of what may happen if you don’t
make people happy or if you assert yourself. It may be afraid of being rejected
or abandoned. It may be afraid of not being appreciated or cared for. It may be
afraid of being criticized, yelled at, or hit.
Your People-Pleasing Part might also be trying to gain a certain kind
of positive connection with people. It might be attempting to get attention,
acceptance, appreciation, caring, or love from someone by pleasing him or
her.
These motivations may not be conscious. To get in touch with them,
pay close attention to what is happening when you are being a pleaser. After
all, sometimes it is appropriate to go out of your way to make someone happy
or to avoid hurting him or her. When this desire is coming from your heart and
your genuine caring for the other person, it isn’t People-Pleasing. When it
derives from underlying fears or attempts to get caring and appreciation, then
it is People-Pleasing. Your People-Pleasing Part is trying to protect an exile
who was hurt or who wasn’t given enough caring and connection.
When you are ready to do IFS work on your Passive-Aggressive
Pattern, start with your People-Pleasing Part. Use the normal IFS procedure to
get to know that part and find out what it is trying to protect you from by being
pleasing.51 Find out what it is afraid would happen if it allowed you to be
assertive. Make a good connection with your People-Pleasing Part in
preparation for the deeper healing that follows.
Once you understand the underlying motivation of your People-
Pleasing Part, this will point to the exile(s) that it is protecting. Or you can
ask your People-Pleasing Part to show you the exile. Ask its permission, and
then get to know the exile and witness what happened in childhood to cause it
hurt or abandonment. Then go through the steps of reparenting, retrieval, and
unburdening to heal this exile.52
When this work is complete, go back to the People-Pleasing Part and
ask it if it still feels a need to be a pleaser or if it can now let go of this role.
Once you have healed all the exiles the part is protecting, it is usually willing
to relax and allow you to be assertive.

The Psychology of Passive-Aggression

The next part of Passive-Aggressive behavior comes from the indirect
and unconscious expression of anger and rebellion. The Passive-Aggressive
Part of you may resent someone because it believes that he or she is trying to
control you or intrude on you. It may want to assert your autonomy by not
going along with that person. This part may be angry at how much you give in
to that person and try to please him or her. And even though this is your doing,
your Passive-Aggressive Part may resent the other person for it. It may want
to hurt him or her as a way of expressing anger at him or her indirectly. You
might even notice a subtle kind of glee when that person feels hurt and
frustrated.
However, your Passive-Aggressive Part doesn’t have permission to
express anger or rebel because other parts of you are afraid of the
consequences. Therefore, its resentment gets expressed in indirect Passive-
Aggressive ways so that you don’t realize what you are doing.
Once you have healed your People-Pleasing Part and you are being
assertive in your life, you can begin to work with your Passive-Aggressive
Part using IFS. First check to see if this part is still feeling rebellious or
angry. Now that you are no longer being a pleaser, this part may no longer feel
resentful. If this is the case, your work is finished.
If the Passive-Aggressive Part is still feeling resentful or defiant,
work with it to discover what it is trying to protect you from. This will point
to the exile(s) it is protecting, and you can follow the usual IFS procedure for
healing it. Then the Passive-Aggressive Part will probably be able to let go of
its acting out.

Therapist Note
If you are a therapist, coach, or other helping professional, it can be
helpful to understand how a Passive-Aggressive client may act out this pattern
in his or her relationship with you.
A Passive-Aggressive client may experience you as pressuring him or
her to perform. When you ask the client questions or ask parts to step aside,
the client’s People-Pleasing Part may feel that the client must do it right or you
will be disappointed in them. The client’s Passive-Aggressive Part may
believe that your attempts to help the client change are really ways of trying to
control them.
Therefore, the client may consciously want to please you, but the
pressure he or she perceives as coming from you may trigger his or her
Passive-Aggressive Part. This part may act out its defiance by failing to
engage in therapy in a successful way. Or if the client does the therapy well, a
Passive-Aggressive Part may keep him or her from making any progress. Or if
the client is making progress, he or she may deny it. This is an unconscious
expression of anger at you and an attempt to defeat you. Since the client’s
Passive-Aggressive Part believes you are attempting to change the client, it
can defeat you by resisting change and thereby assert its autonomy (in a self-
defeating way).
You may react to this by becoming frustrated with the client for failing
in therapy. Or you may end up feeling ineffective and incompetent as a
therapist because you seemingly can’t help this client. However, once you
realize that the client is acting out his or her Passive-Aggressive Pattern with
you, it become much easier to deal with. You can help the client to access his
or her People-Pleasing Part and the part of him or her that feels pressured by
you. You can also get to know the Passive-Aggressive Part and find out its
motivation for sabotaging the therapy. Then you can work to heal the exiles
that these parts are protecting so the client can change his or her problematic
behavior. Once the client’s Passive-Aggressive Part has been transformed,
there will be a major shift in the client’s relationship with you and the
effectiveness of his or her therapy.
However, don’t assume that just because you are frustrated with a
client or feel ineffective, the client has a Passive-Aggressive Pattern. This is
just one possibility for what might be going on. And remember that a Passive-
Aggressive protector shouldn’t be judged for its actions. This pattern is just
another way of protecting an exile and is no worse than any other protective
pattern.

Exercise: Working Through Passive-Aggression

Do an IFS session with your People-Pleasing Part. Get to know it and
discover what it is trying to get for you by being People-Pleasing or what it is
afraid would happen if it allowed you to be assertive. Develop a trusting
relationship with the People-Pleasing Part and get permission to heal the
exile(s) it is protecting. Then see if the People-Pleasing Part can let go of its
role.

People-Pleasing Part:

Positive intent of People-Pleasing Part:

Exile(s) it is protecting:

Did you the People-Pleasing Part come to trust you?

Did it give you permission to work with its exile(s)?

What happened in doing the healing steps with the exile(s)?

Was the People-Pleasing Part then willing to let go of its role?

If not, what else needs to happen?

Now check to see if your Passive-Aggressive Part still feels angry or defiant.
If it does, do an IFS session with it. Get to know it and discover what it is
trying to accomplish by being angry or defiant. Develop a trusting relationship
with the Passive-Aggressive Part and then get permission to heal the exile(s)
it is protecting. When you have, see if the Passive-Aggressive Part can let go
of its role.

Passive-Aggressive Part:

Positive intent of Passive-Aggressive Part:

Exile(s) it is protecting:

Did you get the Passive-Aggressive Part to trust you?

Did it give you permission to work with its exile(s)?

What happened in doing the healing steps with the exile(s)?

Was the Passive-Aggressive Part then willing to let go of its role?

If not, what else needs to happen?

How to Relate to a Passive-Aggressive Partner

How You May Be Contributing to Passive-Aggression

If you suspect that your partner has a Passive-Aggressive Pattern, it
can help to understand how you might inadvertently be contributing to his or
her being Passive-Aggressive by your being Controlling and demanding. Your
partner will go along with you consciously but become resentful and
rebellious unconsciously, which will be acted out in a Passive-Aggressive
manner.
If you are self-absorbed or entitled, this can also trigger your partner
to be Passive-Aggressive. If you unconsciously expect your partner’s life to
revolve around you, he or she may also expect that, but his or her Passive-
Aggressive Part will resent you. You may not really pay attention to your
partner or seem to value him or her, so this part will become more and more
resentful, leading to Passive-Aggressive behavior.
Consider whether you have a Controlling or Self-Absorbed Pattern
before trying to help your partner with his or her Passive-Aggressive Pattern.
You may have to change your pattern first.
How to Minimize Your Partner’s Passive-Aggression
If your partner is Passive-Aggressive, there are things you can do to
minimize this tendency in him or her. One is to avoid any behavior or
communication of yours that appears to be controlling, demanding, or entitled.
Make sure to let your partner know that you want to hear his or her opinion
about anything being considered. Don’t tell your partner to do something;
instead, ask if he or she is willing to do it.
When your partner frustrates you by failing to follow through on
something he or she agreed to do or by doing it differently than you asked,
don’t nag or push him or her about it. Point out that your partner isn’t doing
what you asked, and suggest that maybe he or she really didn’t want to do it
and shouldn’t have agreed to do it in the first place. This places the initiative
back on your partner to decide what to do.
Try to avoid triggering your partner’s fears that can lead to pleasing
behavior because if your partner doesn’t start out by pleasing you, he or she
may not become Passive-Aggressive. Try to get a sense of which underlying
fears led your partner to be a pleaser. If your partner has enough awareness,
talk with him or her to get a better sense of what he or she is afraid of. This
will help you be aware of times when you unintentionally trigger your
partner’s fears.
For example, if your partner is afraid of being judged or rejected if he
or she doesn’t please you, be on the lookout for anything you might say that
contains any hint of criticism or dismissal. Even if your partner is overly
sensitive to judgment or abandonment, you can increase the chances of his or
her feeling safe with you by watching what you say.
 If your partner hints that you are being critical or rejecting, stop for a
moment to consider whether this is true. See if you can become aware of such
behavior in the future so you stop acting it out. You can even make a point of
being explicitly accepting and reassuring to your partner.

Developing Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the antidote to being Passive-Aggressive. You can’t
resolve your Passive-Aggression by simply learning to cooperate with
people. That is likely to play into your People-Pleasing Pattern and trigger the
unconscious need to rebel. You must first learn to be Assertive; then you can
choose to be cooperative without as much danger of sliding into People-
Pleasing.
Assertiveness involves having a firm knowledge of what you feel,
think, and desire, as opposed to being overly influenced by other people’s
opinions, feelings, and needs. When someone asks you to do something, you
consider whether you want to do it and tell the person if you don’t. You
realize that, with most people, you can assert yourself without their reacting
negatively. You know that you can find people who will appreciate your being
strong and assertive, and you have the right to choose to be with people who
welcome your opinions, feelings, and desires.
Assertiveness is part of being an autonomous adult. You realize that
your needs are just as important as other people’s, and, in fact, they are more
important to you. You have the right to make your own decisions and choose
how to live your life. Assertiveness involves exerting power to ask for what
you want, explaining why something is important to you, and following
through, even if others don’t agree with you. You can bring up difficult issues
with someone in order to try to improve your relationship with that person.
You can stand up for yourself and set limits with people when they are
harming you in some way. You can say no when someone asks you for
something that you don’t want to give.
Assertiveness involves being able to initiate action, take risks,
accomplish goals, and move forward in your life. Sometimes it involves
reaching out for connection. Sometimes it means clearly stating what your
opinion is or what you believe is right.
 Assertiveness can also involve exerting power to take care of others
or to achieve what you think is right in a given situation. It can involve
assuming a powerful or responsible role in a group or organization.
Assertiveness means doing these things without needing to be defiant
or angry. You can be both assertive and cooperative, which means you are
open to other people’s needs and opinions without giving up your own.
It is helpful to practice being assertive in typical situations when you
are usually People-Pleasing (which sets you up to be Passive-Aggressive).
You can help yourself to be assertive by assuming an assertive body position
—standing tall or sitting up straight, breathing fully, grounding yourself in
your legs and feet, raising your voice, stepping forward. Remind yourself that
you have the right to your opinions, feelings, and desires, and that it is OK for
you to be powerful. Reassure your People-Pleasing Part that you won’t be
hurt or abandoned if you are assertive and that you can handle it if you are
judged or otherwise challenged. Start with small differences and gradually
work your way up to more challenging situations for practicing self-assertion.

A Story of Developing Assertiveness

This is a continuation of Joe’s story from earlier in this chapter.
 In therapy, Joe got to know his People-Pleasing Part and his Passive-
Aggressive Part and discovered what they were trying to do for him. He was
very surprised to learn that this was going on beneath the surface without his
knowledge. He connected with the Pleaser and learned about its fear. He
reassured it, “If I don’t always please Marge and she does get angry at me, I
can handle it. I won’t crumble to pieces. I can stand my ground and talk to her
about it.” Over time, this part gradually began to believe him.
He connected with his Passive-Aggressive Part and saw how
determined it was to avoid being controlled. Joe’s mother had been very
controlling when he was a child, and the Passive-Aggressive Part was
especially triggered by any hint of a woman being controlling now. Joe talked
to this part: “Marge isn’t really trying to control me most of the time, so you
can relax your vigilance. You don’t have to be so testy about being
dominated.” He had to do some deep healing with the exile this part was
protecting, but eventually this part began to let go of its fierce protective
stance.
Joe also had to work with his fear of being Assertive, and he needed
to practice Assertiveness. Over the next year, he gradually became more
comfortable with exerting his personal power directly.
Joe reported: “I also discovered just how angry this part was at times
and how this got acted out indirectly. I began to learn how to be aware of my
anger so I could practice expressing it directly rather than underhandedly.
Sometimes I wasn’t actually angry at Marge at all. I was on automatic pilot.”
Once these parts became conscious and learned to trust Joe, his
pattern of Passive-Aggressive behavior gradually began to change. “I learned
to decide for myself if I wanted to do what Marge asked. I can now have a
discussion with her about what should and shouldn’t be done rather than
feeling like a soldier who is obliged to just salute and obey. Now, when I
agree to do a task, I am more engaged in the decision, so I have no trouble
carrying through with it, and I make sure the task is done the right way.
Furthermore, instead of grumbling, ‘This’ll fix her wagon!’ I do it with a
feeling of joy and pride in my workmanship—even if it’s something as simple
as vacuuming.”
Joe continued his work on developing Assertiveness. “If there’s ever
something about Marge’s attitude that registers as controlling, I’m able to talk
to her about it without being either overly pleasing or aggressive. I can also
assert myself with Marge when asking for the things I want rather than being
sneakily vengeful. I don’t think I’ll need to act out my anger on her anymore. I
can be open and direct with Marge, which encourages her to be the same with
me. Who knew therapy could produce such a radical—and wonderful—
change?”

Exercise: Developing Assertiveness

Think of a typical situation when you are Passive-Aggressive.

What aspects of Assertiveness do you want to have in that situation (saying

no, asking for what you want, stating your opinion, expressing your feelings,
challenging your partner to change, and so on)?

When you are in that situation, practice acting from those Assertive qualities.
How did that go?

The Power Dimension of the Pattern System

The concepts from this chapter can be shown graphically using the
Power Dimension from the Pattern System. There are four problematic
patterns and two healthy capacities in this dimension; most of them have
already been discussed in this chapter.53
 Cooperation is the healthy version of the People-Pleasing and
Passive-Aggressive Patterns, and Assertiveness is the healthy version of the
Controlling and Rebel Patterns. When you have the Controlling or Rebel
Pattern, you need to develop Cooperation to transform it. When you have the
People-Pleasing or Passive-Aggressive Pattern, you need to develop
Assertiveness to transform it.

Summary
This chapter has explored the Passive-Aggressive Pattern—how to
recognize it, understand it, and work with it using IFS. It also includes a
discussion of how to relate to someone with a Passive-Aggressive Pattern.
Since the People-Pleasing and Rebel Patterns are aspects of Passive-
Aggression, they are also touched on. The Controlling Pattern is also
mentioned because it often interacts with the Passive-Aggressive Pattern. The
chapter also describes how to develop Assertiveness as a solution to Passive-
Aggression.
For further help, see my online tool for personal growth and
psychological healing, Self-Therapy Journey,54 which includes a module on
the Passive-Aggressive Pattern. It provides more detailed help in setting up a
real-time practice for being assertive (among other things).
 Chapter 8
Conflicts in Love Relationships
IFS, in conjunction with the Pattern System, can be very useful in
understanding arguments that happen frequently between partners in love
relationships. In fact, this isn’t limited to love relationships. These concepts
also apply to business partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and any
other close bonds.

Interactive Part Sequences

When a couple gets into a repeated intractable conflict, it is usually
because they are triggering each other’s protectors and exiles. In fact, if you
focus on the most frequent type of argument you have with your partner, you
can map out the sequence of transactions that happens in which you trigger one
of your partner’s parts, he or she reacts in a way that triggers yours, then you
react again, and so on. IFS has an insightful way of explaining how these
sequences happen,55 and in this chapter I will explain how to understand these
sequences in your relationship.
Let’s look at an example. Jean becomes upset at her husband, Todd,
because she feels that he hasn’t been sensitive to her. She has been feeling
despondent over her struggles at work, and Todd hasn’t been very supportive
or attentive to her feelings. As a result, her Not-Seen Wound has been
triggered. This wound comes from not being seen as who you truly were as a
child.56
However, it is rare that people interact directly from their exiles.
Often they aren’t even aware that an exile has been triggered. Instead, people
react with a protector that defends against the pain of the wound. So Jean says
to Todd, “You are so cold! You never care about my feelings.” Jean has led
with a Judgmental protector, which reacts to pain by being critical of other
people. This serves two functions. It tries to protect her from feeling her
wound, and it is a misguided attempt to get Todd to be more attentive and
caring.
Communicating from a protector (a pattern in the Pattern System)
usually backfires. When Jean blames Todd in this way, it triggers his
Judgment Wound (which comes from having been judged as a child), making
him feel bad about himself. However, Todd isn’t aware of this wound and
doesn’t show it. Instead, he withdraws from Jean and closes down his heart,
which prevents him from feeling the pain of this wound and keeps him away
from Jean so he won’t get hurt further. This is his Distancing Pattern.

Todd’s withdrawal triggers a second wound in Jean; she feels

abandoned by him (Abandonment Wound). Jean defends against this wound by
criticizing Todd for withdrawing (Judgmental Pattern), which activates his
Judgment Wound again. He reacts to this with more Distancing, so the cycle
repeats itself. They often go around this cycle multiple times, escalating their
level of anger and hurt in the process.
 This is such a common process that almost everyone has experienced
it. I certainly have in my relationships. It is very painful for both people. Each
person feels that his or her partner is being unreasonable and hurtful. When
the two of you try to talk about it, this often creates more pain because each of
you is likely to judge the other person and get angry at him or her.
Furthermore, you each feel cut off from your partner’s love, so you may feel
both alone and abandoned. The best way to change this situation is to
understand the sequences of parts that are being triggered.
Let’s look at a different example. Daniel gets frustrated and critical of
his wife, Michelle, when he’s explaining something and she doesn’t
understand as quickly as he would like. This comes from his Judgmental
Pattern, though he isn’t aware that he is being judgmental. This triggers
Michelle’s Unlovable Wound because a part of her believes that he must not
love her if he could treat her that way.
Michelle tells Daniel that he shouldn’t be judging her—that he should
be kinder and more understanding with her. This is her Controlling Pattern.
She is attempting to control his behavior by telling him how to treat her. She
does this to defend against feeling unlovable as well as to try to get him to
stop judging her.
Now, it is true that Daniel shouldn’t have been judgmental, but telling
someone how he or she should behave isn’t very effective communication. In
a way, it is treating the person like a child who needs to be told what to do.
That’s why this is the Controlling Pattern. If Michelle first explained how
Todd’s judgment was affecting her and then asked him to be kind and
nonjudgmental, that would be healthy Assertiveness rather than the
Controlling Pattern. However, Michelle doesn’t realize what parts of hers
have been triggered or that she is being controlling. All she sees is that Daniel
is treating her badly and needs to be straightened out.
 When Michelle tells Daniel what he should have done, it triggers his
Domination Wound, which goes back to his having been controlled by his
father when he was a child. He is afraid of being controlled by Michelle and
reacts with defiance against the perceived threat: “Don’t tell me what to do!”
This is a combination of his Rebel and Angry Patterns. He doesn’t realize that
she has triggered a wound of his. He just believes that Michelle is trying to
push him around.
Michelle becomes frightened of Daniel’s anger because of her Attack
Wound. She was subjected to rages and physical abuse from her father, so any
anger terrifies her. She defends against this wound by telling Daniel that he
shouldn’t be angry with her and explaining how he could have responded to
her that would have worked better. This is another round of her Controlling
Pattern. This triggers Daniel’s Domination Wound again, and he defends
against it with his Angry Pattern again, and they are off to the races with
another trip around this cycle.
 For the most part, when two people are in the middle of such a fight,
all they focus on is what their partner is doing wrong. Therefore, becoming
aware of these cycles of patterns and wounds can be very helpful. It helps the
two of them step back from hurt and blame and realize what is happening at a
deeper level. This is an important first step toward changing a stuck
interaction pattern.
For example, if Daniel realized that he was being judgmental and that
this triggered Michelle’s feeling unloved, he would be less likely to be
threatened and more apt to be understanding about why she might tell him how
to behave differently. So even though his Domination Wound might still be
triggered, he might not to react with anger and defiance. He might even
reassure her that he doesn’t look down on her and that he cares about her.

Therapist Note
 If you are working with a couple, don’t let them act out their fights in
your office, because this may cause them to feel that the therapy situation is
unsafe. Help the couple to understand the sequence of their parts that gets
triggered in their usual conflicts. Ask each partner to identify which wounds
of his or hers get triggered when his or her partner says or does certain things,
and how he or she responds from a protective pattern to protect against these
wounds. Then help each partner to see that when he or she acts out his or her
protective pattern, it triggers wounds and protective patterns in his or her
partner. Once the sequence is clarified, you might want to do some individual
IFS work with one partner (in front of the other) on his or her parts that get
triggered. Then you can work with the other partner on his or her parts. Once
both partners have healed some of their parts, have them try talking to each
other from Self. If one of them gets triggered and starts the argument cycle,
stop that partner right away and do more IFS work on the part that just got
activated.
There is much more to say about this, but it is outside the scope of this
book. For more information about IFS and couple’s therapy, see You’re the
One You’ve Been Waiting For, by Richard Schwartz; Intimacy from the
Inside Out, by Toni Herbine-Blank and Donna M. Kerpelman; and Bring
Yourself to Love, by Mona Barbera.

Primary Conflict Patterns and Wounds Triggered

The above examples illustrate the four most common problematic
patterns in fights—the Angry, Judgmental, Distancing, and Controlling
Patterns. Here is a chart that shows these four patterns, along with the wounds
that might be triggered in you if your partner uses each pattern.
 1. Looking at the first row, when your partner leads with Anger, it
might trigger your Attack Wound, which comes from being yelled at or hit as a
child.
2. Looking at the second row, when your partner leads with Judgment,
it might trigger your Shame Wound (which involves feeling fundamentally
flawed as a result of what happened to you in childhood) or your Judgment
Wound (which comes from being judged frequently and harshly as a child).
3. In the third row, when your partner is distant or not very intimate
with you, this might trigger your Deprivation Wound (which comes from not
receiving enough caring, nurturing, and love as a child) or your Abandonment
Wound (which comes from being left or given inconsistent care as a child).
4. In the fourth row, if your partner is demanding or pushy or lectures
you on how you should behave, this is the Controlling Pattern. This might
trigger your Domination Wound, which comes from being controlled as a
child.
These wounds will only be triggered in you if you actually have them.
For example, if your partner gets angry but you don’t have an Attack Wound,
you may not like his or her anger, but you won’t overreact to it because it
hasn’t triggered a wound of yours.
These wounds will be triggered in you as long as you perceive that
your partner is being hurtful, whether or not he or she actually is. For
example, in the second row, your Shame or Judgment Wound will be triggered
if you perceive that your partner is being Judgmental. In some cases, your
partner may not be acting Judgmental or only being a little Judgmental, but as
long as it seems to you that he or she is judging you, your wound will be
triggered.

Reactive Conflict Patterns and Wounds Triggered

We have looked at the common patterns that you might lead with in an
argument. Let’s now look at the most frequent patterns that your partner might
react from. These patterns are reactions to a real or perceived threat from you,
usually one of the four previous patterns. Next to each reaction pattern from
your partner are the wounds this might trigger in you.
 1. When you bring up something with your partner and he or she reacts
from a Defensive or Rebel Pattern, you might feel that your partner didn’t take
in your concerns, which could trigger your Rejection Wound (which comes
from being rejected as a child when you reached out for connection) or your
Deprivation or Abandonment Wound. Your Not-Seen Wound might also get
triggered because you believe that your partner isn’t really listening to you.
2. When your partner responds from the Victim Pattern, he or she is
(perhaps unconsciously) trying to make you feel bad for hurting him or her.
This could trigger you Guilt Wound, which comes from being made to feel
excessively guilty as a child.
3. Your partner might respond from the Passive-Aggressive Pattern
(see Chapter 7), which involves agreeing to do what you want but then not
following through or following through in a way that frustrates you. This is
unconscious and indirect Rebellion. This is likely to make you feel good at
first when he or she is pleasing you because it seems that you are getting what
you want. However, later, when you feel frustrated by your partner, you might
feel rejected (Rejection Wound).
There are no hard-and-fast rules about which wounds get triggered.
Each situation will be different. These charts are designed to give you an idea
of what might happen so you can understand the part sequences that get
triggered in your relationship.
Protective Reactions to Your Partner
The above charts show the wounds that are triggered, which are
usually unconscious and don’t directly determine your behavior, though they
drive your protective reactions that defend against the wound. So if your
Rejection Wound is triggered, your reactive behavior might be to withdraw,
get angry, or become judgmental or controlling. Let’s look at the possible
protective reactions you might have.
 1. When your partner leads with Anger, you might (a) get Angry in
return, (b) withdraw (Distancing Pattern) to escape your partner’s anger, or
(c) adopt a Victim stance by focusing on how badly your partner has treated
you.
2. If your partner is Judgmental, you might react with the Defensive
Pattern to avoid being blamed for the problems between you. You also might
react from the Judgmental Pattern by blaming your partner for the problem.
This is a way of justifying your actions and denying blame.
3. If your partner pulls away from you (Distancing Pattern), you could
react in many different ways, but a frequent one is to tell your partner in a
Controlling way how he or she shouldn’t pull away from you and how he or
she should relate to you instead.
4. If your partner acts Controlling, you might react from your Rebel
Pattern, which involves defying your partner’s directions in order to preserve
your autonomy. You also might react from your Passive-Aggressive Pattern,
which is an indirect way of rebelling.
It is often impossible to really know who started a fight. You might say
something that is mildly hurtful, and your partner might overreact, thereby
triggering a protective reaction in you. Who is to blame? No one, really.
That’s why it isn’t important to determine who started a conflict, even though
that is often what couples fight about. The cycle of wounding and defense got
started in some way, and the important thing is to understand the sequence of
parts that were triggered so you can change it.

Problematic Ways of Attempting to Resolve

Conflicts
 When your partner interacts with you from a difficult pattern, there is
another set of options for how you might respond. Instead of a problematic
protective response, you might attempt to makes things better with your
partner and resolve the conflict by giving in to him or her. These reactions are
shown in the following chart.

1. If your partner leads with Judgment or Anger, you might just give in
and agree with him or her, without considering whether or not you really
believe your partner is right, in an attempt to preserve your connection with
him or her. This is the Conflict-Avoiding Pattern. You might also disown your
Anger (and therefore your Strength) to avoid getting into a fight, but this leads
to compliance and passivity.
2. If your partner pulls away from you (Distancing Pattern), you might
reach out to connect with your partner from a needy place (Dependent
Pattern), where you are desperate to reestablish the connection and will do
anything to get him or her back.
3. If your partner is being Controlling, you might go along with his or
her control and try to please your partner in an attempt to maintain your
connection with him or her.

Exercise: Understanding an Interactive Parts

Sequence
Think about a typical argument or fight that you have with your partner
(or someone else you are close to). Lay out the sequence of patterns and
wounds that are triggered in you and in your partner.

Pattern your partner leads with:

Wound that pattern triggers in you:

Pattern you react from:

Wound that pattern triggers in your partner:

Pattern that your partner reacts from:

Further wounds and patterns in the sequence:

Healthy Ways to Resolve Conflicts

So far, we have talked about two different problematic ways of
dealing with conflict—by being overly protective of yourself and by being
overly compliant in order to maintain your connection with your partner.
There are also two healthy ways of dealing with conflict. One involves
protecting or taking care of yourself in a way that won’t escalate the conflict,
and the other involves attempting to preserve your connection with your
partner and resolve the conflict without giving in to him or her.
If your partner leads with a protective pattern in column 1, this chart
shows these two types of healthy responses in columns 2 and 3:

1. If your partner leads with Judgment, a healthy protective response

would be to ask your partner to communicate his or her concern in a more
open way. This is the Challenge Capacity because you are challenging your
partner to communicate differently without judging him or her. The healthy
resolving response involves making this challenge in an open, non-blaming
way so that your partner is likely to respond less defensively. That means
owning your emotional response to your partner’s judgments. This is the
Skillful Communication Capacity, which is explored in detail in the next
chapter. Since Challenge and Skillful Communication are both healthy
responses, they tend to work together.
2. If your partner leads with Anger, a healthy protective response
involves the Strength Capacity, which means being solid and firm in setting
limits on his or her anger or in disagreeing with him or her. The healthy
resolving response involves the Restraint Capacity, which means remaining
calm and grounded as you do this instead of retaliating in anger.
3. If your partner pulls away from you (Distancing), a healthy
protective response would be to support yourself while he or she is
withdrawn so that your Abandonment Wound doesn’t get triggered in too
intense a way. This usually means caring for your Abandoned Exile and
soothing its pain. This is the Self-Support Capacity, which involves being
grounded in yourself and able to care for yourself. The healthy resolving
response is to move toward Intimacy so that you are open to connect with your
partner when he or she is ready. It might mean reaching out to your partner in a
way that takes into account his or her reasons for withdrawing. For example,
you could tell your partner, “I understand why you felt a need to withdraw, but
I am now ready to respond in a different way, so could we try again?” Notice
how Self-Support and Intimacy work together.
4. If your partner leads with Control, the healthy protective response
is being Assertive in order to preserve your autonomy. You stand up for your
desires and opinions and refuse to be controlled by your partner without being
Rebellious or Controlling yourself. The healthy resolving response would be
Cooperation, which involves responding in a way that takes into account your
partner’s needs, even though your partner expressed his or her needs in a
Controlling way. However, this doesn’t mean that you give in to your
partner’s needs; that would be People-Pleasing. Instead, you suggest how the
two of you might do things differently to meet both of your needs.
Assertiveness and Cooperation are integrated in a healthy response.
 You can see from these examples that conflicts are complex and often
lead to unnecessary pain and suffering. Understanding these difficult
interactions allows you to choose healthy ways to respond.
I’m not pretending that if you simply know how you should respond, it
is easy to do so. We all tend to react from our patterns, especially in the heat
of the moment. We often don’t have time to sit down and figure out a skillful
way to respond.
To gain skill, be aware of the patterns your partner is reacting from,
notice the patterns you are enacting, and explore the wounds beneath both.
Then consider which healthy responses would be most effective. You will
need a combination of skills and healthy capacities to respond in the best way,
which takes practice. In the next chapter, I discuss in more detail how to
communicate in a skillful way.
The most enduring change comes through understanding and working
through your protector patterns, healing the exiles they protect, and developing
healthy capacities so that you naturally resolve conflicts in a collaborative
way.
 Exercise: Resolving Your Conflict
Follow up with the conflict you chose to explore in the previous
exercise. How could you respond in a healthy way instead of your usual
reaction?

Pattern your partner leads with:

Healthy capacity you would like to respond from:

What you will have to do in order to respond that way:

The next time a conflict starts to happen, try responding in this new way.
What happened?

Did it help resolve the conflict?

What would you like to do differently next time?

Summary
This chapter has explored the sequences of parts that get triggered in
conflicts in love relationships and other close connections. We have looked at
the different patterns and wounds that tend to be activated and how to respond
from healthy capacities. The next chapter goes into more detail about how to
communicate in a skillful manner.
 Chapter 9
IFS and Skillful Communication
This chapter discusses how to use IFS to communicate in a skillful
manner when you are in a conflict with someone. Since most conflicts like this
happen in love relationships, I will focus on those situations, but these
principles apply to any conflict you have with another person, especially one
you have an ongoing relationship with. Many of the ideas in this chapter have
been inspired by Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall
Rosenberg.57

Basic Attitudes
Here are some basic attitudes that are crucial to skillful
communication in the midst of conflict with your partner. The more you can
approach communication with these attitudes, the better things will work.

• You want to work through the conflict to improve your relationship

with your partner. You aren’t looking to blame your partner but rather to
hear him or her, be heard by him or her, and reconnect with him or her.
You want to find a resolution that feels good to both of you.

• You want to understand what your partner is upset about. You are in an
open, curious, and compassionate place, and you are ready to listen to
your partner’s feelings, opinions, and desires, and really try to
understand them.

• You want to communicate to your partner what you are upset about and
what your concerns are while minimizing the chances of triggering or
hurting your partner so he or she will be able to hear and understand
you.

• You are willing to look at your part in the difficulties with your
partner. You are open to what your partner may say to you about your
contribution to the problem, even if this hurts you. You are willing to
consider working on changing your behavior for the better and growing
in ways that will improve your relationship.
 Two Aspects of Skillful Communication
There are two key aspects of skillful communication:
1. Expressing yourself by bringing up a concern with your partner and
perhaps asking him or her to change, and doing this in such a way that your
partner is likely to hear you.
2. Listening to your partner’s feelings and concerns in such a way that
he or she feels heard and understood by you.

Expressing Yourself
Let’s explore the best ways to express your feelings, concerns, and
desires. The general approach is as follows: “When you do X, a part of me
feels Y.” Let’s look at each phrase separately.

When You Do X
When describing another person’s behavior that bothers you, do it
objectively or in terms your partner can understand and agree with. You want
your partner to be interested in what you are talking about and not be hurt or
offended. It usually isn’t helpful to judge your partner’s behavior or speculate
about his or her feelings or underlying issues. For example, it is helpful to say,
“When you raise your voice and point your finger at me…” This is an
objective description of your partner’s behavior. This is better than saying,
“When you yell at me and reprimand me” because your partner may not agree
that he or she is yelling or reprimanding you. It is also better than saying,
“When you get out of control” or “When you act needy.” These phrases might
trigger defensiveness in your partner. Your partner might say, “I didn’t
reprimand you” or “I wasn’t out of control” or “I’m not needy.”
On the other hand, if your partner has acknowledged that he or she gets
out of control sometimes or that he or she is needy, you may be able to use
those phrases without your partner getting defensive.
A Part of Me Feels Y
When describing your emotional reaction to what your partner does,
speak for the part of you that has these feelings, not as this part. Speaking for
a part means being in Self and talking about what the part is feeling from a
centered place. For example, if you are angry, you might say, “A part of me
feels angry at you.” This is speaking for your Angry Part. Don’t say, “You are
so judgmental. Leave me alone!” This is speaking as the Angry Part.
It is important to understand the difference between feelings and
interpretations. For example, you might say, “When you raised your voice, a
part of me became frightened.” Or you might say, “When you left the room in
the middle of our conversation, a part of me felt abandoned.”58 These are your
feeling reactions, and you are owning them.
It isn’t helpful to say, “When you left the room in the middle of our
conversation, I realized that you didn’t care about me.” That is an
interpretation of what your partner’s behavior meant. For another example, if
you say, “When you act needy…” you are interpreting your partner’s inner
state. This may or may not be accurate, but even when it is, your partner may
resent you for telling him or her what he or she feels and for judging him or
her.
Here is another way to distinguish between feelings and
interpretations. When you say, “I feel like X” or “I feel that X,” X is almost
never a feeling but rather an interpretation. “I feel like you don’t love me” is
an interpretation. “I feel hurt,” “I feel bereft,” and “I feel scared” are feelings.
You can include both feelings and interpretations in what you say, but
be clear about the difference. Your interpretation of your partner’s behavior
will often determine your feeling response to him or her and what parts of
yours get activated, so it is useful to mention your interpretation, but you
should own it as your interpretation rather than the truth. For example, you
might say, “When you look at me with sad eyes, I imagine that you are feeling
needy, and a part of me feels suffocated.” Here you are including your
interpretation by using the phrase, “I imagine that you are feeling needy.” You
could also say, “I believe that you are feeling needy.” When you add your
emotional reaction, “a part of me feels suffocated,” you are owning your
reaction. You are speaking for your part.
If you said, “When you are so needy, you suffocate me,” you are telling
your partner what he or she feels and blaming your partner for your reaction.
You are speaking as your part—your Judgmental Part. If you speak in that
way, your partner will most likely get defensive or angry because you are
acting out your anger and judgment. Or if your partner does give in and accept
your judgment, over time he or she may unconsciously build up resentment,
which will eventually come out in a burst of anger or Passive-Aggressive
behavior.
Once you have expressed yourself to your partner in a skillful way,
wait to see how he or she responds. If your partner gets defensive or
judgmental, first acknowledge his or her feelings and then explain that you
aren’t judging him or her. (Check to be sure that you really aren’t.) You are
just describing the problem and your reaction to it. Once your partner
understands this, he or she will likely be able to hear you. If your partner still
can’t hear you, it probably means that he or she doesn’t feel understood by
you. In this case, stop trying to express yourself, and instead focus on listening
to your partner and responding in a way that makes him or her feel understood
by you (see below). Once your partner feels understood, he or she is much
more likely to be able to hear you.
 Exercise: Expressing Yourself
Choose a concern that you would like to express to your partner (or
someone else you are close to). Think through exactly what you would like to
say to him or her using the formula above. Imagine that your partner is with
you and practice saying it to him or her.

What did you say?

How did it feel to say it that way?

If you have a friend who will help you, ask him or her to role-play
your partner. Express your concerns to your friend and have him or her
respond as your partner. Continue the interaction and see if the two of you can
resolve the issue. If your friend starts responding in a way that doesn’t match
what your partner would say, stop the role-play and give him or her an idea of
how your partner would respond. Then continue.

What did you say?

How did it feel to say it that way?

How did your friend respond?

How did his or her response feel to you?

Were the two of you able to resolve the issue in the role-play?

If not, what went wrong?

How could you have communicated in a more skillful way?

Making a Request
Once your partner has heard and understood what bothers you, you can
ask your partner to change his or her behavior. For example, you could say,
“Would you be willing to not raise your voice with me?” Or if your partner
has agreed that he or she was being judgmental, you could say, “Would you be
willing to work on being less judgmental toward me?” Much of our behavior
isn’t easy to change right away, so ask your partner if he or she is willing to
work on changing his or her behavior rather than just asking your partner to
act differently. Or if you do ask your partner to change his or her behavior,
don’t expect that he or she will be able to do this quickly or easily.
Your partner may not agree to your request right away. He or she may
tell you how hard it would be to change. He or she may tell you what he or
she wants from you first. Your partner might resent you for asking him or her
to change. Whatever your partner says, listen to him or her skillfully (as
described below). Make sure your partner feels understood by you. This will
help your partner to be more amenable to your request.

Exercise: Making a Request

Continue with the role-play exercise above. When you feel that your
partner (in the form of the friend role-playing your partner) has heard and
understood your concern and is sympathetic to it, make a request of him or
her. Your friend should respond as he or she imagines your partner would.
Then continue the role-play from there.

How did you phrase your request?

How did your friend respond?

Were the two of you able to work it out?

If not, what got in the way?

 Therapist Note
If you are working with an individual client who wants to be able to
bring up a concern with his or her partner, you can role-play the situation in
your office with you taking the role of the partner. Ask your client to tell you
how his or her partner might respond. Role-play the partner so that you
challenge your client just enough to help him or her to enhance his or her
communication skills, but don’t make it so difficult that your client feels
defeated and hopeless.

Listening
It is important to listen to your partner in such a way that you
understand his or her feelings, and he or she realizes that you do. When your
partner says things that hurt you, it is usually coming from a protector, such as
an angry or judgmental part, so it is helpful to understand that your partner has
a vulnerable exile in pain beneath that protector, even if you don’t know what
exile it is. This will help you to be more sympathetic to your partner, even if
he or she is saying hurtful things to you.

How to Listen
When your partner tells you what he or she is feeling, set aside your
concerns for the moment and concentrate on his or hers. The first half of the
job of skillful listening is to truly be interested in your partner’s experience
and feelings. Listen to his or her feelings with curiosity about what is
upsetting him or her, even if your partner is misinterpreting what you said or
over-reacting to you. Make your best effort to understand his or her feelings,
even if you don’t agree with them. Don’t try to psychologize your partner or
figure out why he or she is so triggered. Just hear him or her with an open
heart. Empathize with your partner’s feelings, if you can. This means
resonating with his or her feelings and the perceived reason for feeling that
way.
The second half of skillful listening is communicating what you
understand about your partner’s feelings so that he or she feels understood by
you. Reflect back what your partner said. You will probably want to
paraphrase it. For example, if your partner says, “I hate it when you judge
me,” you might say, “You are feeling angry at me because what I said felt
judgmental to you.” You can ask your partner questions to draw him or her out
further about this. For example, you might say, “What was it I said that felt
judgmental to you?” Keep feeding back what your partner says and asking for
more until he or she feels understood by you.
This is not easy to do and can only work if you are in Self. Watch out
for your parts getting triggered and interfering with your being able to listen
with an open heart. If you want to correct your partner’s perception of you, if
you want to defend yourself from his or her attacks, or if you want to tell your
partner how he or she is too sensitive and is overreacting, you aren’t in Self.
Work on returning to Self, and if you can’t do this quickly, call a time-out so
you can listen to your parts first and then separate from them to get into Self.
 Exercise: Listening to Your Partner
Find a friend to role-play your partner (or other person you are close
to). Coach your friend on what your partner might be feeling when you are in
the middle of a conflict and how your partner might express this to you. Have
your friend speak about his or her feelings as your partner. Listen and reply as
described above. If your responses don’t quite match what your friend is
feeling (as your partner), have him or her correct you and help you understand
what he or she really meant. Then try again to listen and reply.

What did your friend say?

How did you respond?

Did your friend (as your partner) feel heard by you?

If not, was he or she able to help you to understand his or her feelings?

If it didn’t go well, what might you do differently next time?

Making Guesses
Sometimes your partner isn’t talking about his or her feelings or is
focused entirely on blaming you rather than expressing him- or herself. This
makes it harder to listen and understand your partner, so you must help him or
her express his or her feelings first. A good way to do this is to try to guess
what your partner is feeling and experiencing. What might you have done that
upset him or her? What emotions might your partner be feeling? What needs
your partner’s aren’t getting met? How might your partner be interpreting your
behavior that is upsetting him or her?
 Communicate your guesses by asking your partner questions. For
example, “Are you feeling hurt because you think I don’t care about you?”
Even if your guess is wrong, your partner is likely to feel better because you
are showing that you want to understand. This may prompt your partner to tell
you what he or she is feeling. When he or she has, you can reflect back what
your partner said.
Make sure that your guesses are about what your partner is feeling on
the surface, which usually means protectors. This way, your partner will be
consciously aware of the feelings you are asking about. Your partner is more
likely to agree with surface feelings. For example, if your partner is angry at
you, you could say, “Are you angry at me because you feel that I’m distant
from you?” Don’t say, “Are you feeling deprived and needy when I am
distant?” Your partner may not be aware of these deeper feelings, and he or
she may feel judged by you if you suggest them.
Your guesses should also be about feelings that your partner would
feel OK about having. For example, if your partner would be ashamed to
admit being frightened, don’t ask if he or she is scared.
Don’t guess about your partner’s underlying motivations or deep-
seated psychological issues. Most people don’t like being psychologized in
this way. For example, don’t ask, “Are you really trying to push me away by
being judgmental?”
Don’t ask your partner if he or she is upset about something
completely different from what he or she says is the reason for the upset. For
example, don’t ask, “Are you upset about what your daughter said and taking
it out on me?” This is more psychologizing, which your partner will probably
resent.

Exercise: Guessing What Your Partner Is Feeling

Find a friend to role-play your partner (or other person you are close
to). Coach your friend on what your partner might say in the middle of a
conflict other than talking about his or her feelings. It might be an attack on
you or withdrawing from you. Have your friend role-play doing that. Then
practice guessing what your partner is feeling and have your friend respond as
he or she thinks your partner might. If your guess seems to be wrong to your
friend, have your friend correct it. At any point when your friend is not
accurate in role-playing what your partner would say, coach him or her on
what you think your partner would say.

What did your friend (as your partner) say?

What did you guess about what he or she was feeling?

Did your friend correct your guess so you could understand him or her?

Did your friend end up feeling understood by you?

If not, what do you need to do differently?

The Goal of Listening

Your goal in listening is to understand what your partner is
experiencing and for your partner to realize that you do. You might be
surprised at how much this helps. When you are in an argument with your
partner, the most important thing that he or she wants is to be heard and
understood by you. And you probably feel the same way. Of course, your
partner may also want you to change, but when he or she feels that you
understand what he or she is going through, your partner is more likely to
relax and let go of his or her anger. This sets the stage for your partner being
able to listen to you and for finding common ground and resolving the conflict.

Therapist Note
If you are working with an individual client on listening, you can role-
play the partner. Have the client prompt you on how the partner communicates
and then role-play it. Make it just difficult enough that your client learns
something but not so difficult that he or she gets discouraged. You can switch
out of the partner role and facilitate the client whenever that is needed.
 Communicating from Self
Being in Self is crucial for skillful communication. It is very hard to
communicate using a procedure like the one described in this chapter if you
are just trying to follow the formula. Expressing yourself skillfully requires
you to be in Self. Listening to your partner well also requires that you be in
Self. Self is relatively calm, compassionate, curious, and open, while
protectors tend to be hurt, defensive, attacking, or withdrawing.

Accessing Self in a Conflict

Suppose you are in the middle of a conflict that is going badly. How
do you get into Self and move things toward skillful communication?
The first step is as follows: As soon as things go badly between you
and your partner, it is crucial to realize that you are having a communication
problem. When a conversation begins to move toward yelling at each other or
withdrawing behind tense walls, it is time to do something. The sooner you
realize this, the easier it is to begin skillful communication. Often the first
thing you notice is that your partner is triggered and communicating badly.
When this happens, be sure to look at yourself because it is very likely that
you are triggered, too.
Are you about to say something that is going to make the situation
worse? How do you feel toward your partner? What are you trying to
accomplish by what you are about to say? How charged up are you? If you are
triggered, it is important to regain Self before saying anything more to your
partner.
Your partner may have said something that triggered a part of you and
pulled you out of Self, causing you to become angry, defensive, or withdrawn,
all of which come from protectors. In addition, there will be exiles that are
triggered. For example, if you feel judged by your partner, it may trigger an
exile who feels worthless. Or if your partner withdraws from you, this may
trigger an exile who feels deprived or abandoned. A protector will also arise
to defend against the pain of these exiles, and that is usually the source of your
poor communication. When this happens, it is important to be aware of this
protector and work with it to step aside so you can access Self.
Degrees of Self
It isn’t easy to be in Self, especially in the middle of a confrontation.
So in exploring how to do this, let’s look at possible degrees of Self when you
are in the midst of a conflict and what to do about them.

1. You are so solidly in Self that you won’t be triggered very easily no
matter what your partner says. You are prepared for skillful
communication.

2. You are in Self enough that you can communicate well, but you could
still be triggered. You may continue with the interaction, but be aware if
a part of you gets triggered that takes you out of Self.

3. You are aware that you are having a communication problem and are
mildly triggered. You need a moment to gather yourself, return to Self,
and decide what to say. Then you can communicate skillfully.

4. You are aware that you are having a communication problem, but you
are so triggered that you can’t communicate skillfully. You need a time-
out in order to calm down and access Self before it makes sense to
continue with the interaction.

5. You are lost in the conflict, highly triggered, and not aware of it. You
are contributing to a nasty fight. First you must become aware of your
condition and want to change it. This brings you to 4.

Begin by noticing your degree of Self and taking appropriate action to

get to the higher levels of Self (1 and 2).

Tips for Getting into Self

Here are some tips for getting into Self in the middle of a conflict.

• Remember that you love (like, care about) your partner.

• Remember that you want this interaction to go well, or at least that you
don’t want it to go badly.
 • Remember the positive things you are trying to accomplish in having
this interaction, such as restoring mutual caring in your relationship or
being heard by your partner.

• Take a deep breath and pause before saying anything.

• Feel your belly. Ground yourself by focusing on the sensations in your

legs and feet.

• Remember that your partner is acting this way because he or she feels
hurt by you or is scared of you. Your partner isn’t really trying to hurt
you.

• Keep in mind that your partner is trying to protect him- or herself, even
if he or she isn’t doing it in a skillful way.

Notice what part of you is triggered. Ask that part what it is feeling or
what it is concerned about. Take a moment to be there for the part. Then ask it
if it would be willing to step aside so you can engage in the conversation with
your partner from Self.
If none of this works and you are still triggered, bring up with your
partner that the two of you are having a communication problem and invite
your partner to join you in trying to communicate more skillfully. This is an
important moment because you have switched from talking about the issue to
talking about communication. If needed, ask your partner to give you a moment
to get centered (in Self) so you can communicate more effectively.
If that doesn’t work, it is best to take a time-out. When you suggest a
time-out to your partner, explain that the two of you are so triggered that you
need some time to settle down so you can communicate in a useful way. If the
two of you continue talking from this place, things will only get worse. The
two of you need to cool down, explore what got triggered in you, and get into
a nonreactive place.
Explain to your partner that you aren’t trying to avoid the
confrontation; you just want it to go well. Tell your partner when you think
you will want to talk again—in ten minutes, an hour, or the next morning. This
way, your partner won’t feel abandoned or controlled by the time-out.
 When you and your partner have regained Self, you can end the time-
out and begin to apply what you know about skillful communication. Start by
deciding whether to express yourself or listen to your partner. If your
partner is still triggered, expressing yourself probably won’t work. You will
have to listen to your partner’s feelings first and reflect what you have heard
until he or she feels understood by you and has calmed down. Then when you
express yourself, your partner is more likely to hear you.

Exercise: Accessing Self in a Conflict

Imagine that you are interacting with your partner, who has just said
something that really triggered you. Notice how this makes you feel and what
parts of you are activated. Practice getting back to Self as described above.

What did your partner say that triggered you?

What parts of you got triggered?

Which level of Self were you in?

What did you do to try to return to high levels of Self?

How well did that work?

Therapist Note
If you are working with an individual client on communication
problems, you can role-play the situation. Ask your client to imagine that he or
she is in the middle of an argument with his or her partner, and notice what
that triggers in your client. Then work with your client to get back into Self.
After that, your client can practice communicating from Self with you playing
the role of his or her partner.

Bringing Up Your Concerns from a Neutral Place

So far I have been talking about how to deal with a conflict once it
gets started and you are triggered. This is quite difficult, so I will discuss how
to bring up a conflict when the two of you aren’t triggered, which makes
resolving it easier.
Suppose you have a concern about your partner. Are you bothered by
something your partner did? Does he or she seem to be upset with you? Do
you want to bring up something that is a problem for you in the relationship?
Do you want to ask your partner to change something?
If you don’t bring up this concern, it will probably come up in the
course of your life together and lead to a fight. You might blurt out the issue in
an angry, judgmental way that will turn your partner off and lead to an
argument. Then the two of you will have to deal with it when you are already
angry at each other. Or if the issue never comes up, you may become
increasingly resentful of your partner, which can lead to your withdrawing and
closing your heart.
Here are suggestions for skillful ways to bring up your concern. Pick a
time to talk to your partner about the issue when the two of you aren’t in the
middle of a fight. Choose a time when you aren’t feeling resentful toward your
partner and preferably when you are in Self. Your partner should be in a good,
relaxed place, too. Hopefully you are feeling good about each other.
First, ask your partner’s permission to have a talk about something
difficult. Let your partner know that you want to do this in order to improve
your relationship. It can be especially helpful to start with an acknowledgment
of your connection to your partner, such as, “I really care about your and our
relationship, and I want to bring up a concern that I hope will bring us closer.”
You might even lead off with an apology about something you didn’t do well,
if that is appropriate—for example, “I’m sorry that I haven’t been very
friendly to you recently. I’d like to tell you what has been going on with me.”
 Then ask your partner whether he or she is open to hearing your
concern now or whether he or she would prefer to talk at a different time. If
your partner doesn’t want to talk about it now, ask when he or she would like
to do so. Make sure to respect your partner’s boundaries about when he or she
isn’t ready to talk. If your partner is ready to talk about it now, begin as
described above under Expressing Yourself.
If your partner isn’t sure that he or she wants to talk about it at all, ask
what he or she is concerned about. Then see if you can reassure your partner
about his or her concerns. Or ask what your partner would need from you to
be ready to talk about this, and then try to find a way to meet his or her need.

Exercise: Expressing Yourself from a Neutral Place

Choose a concern that you would like to bring up with your partner (or
someone else). Ask a friend to role-play your partner. Ask if he or she would
be interested in hearing your concern. Have your friend respond as he or she
thinks your partner would. If he or she has reservations about dealing with
your concern now, practice responding to his or her reservations. When your
friend (as your partner) is ready to hear you, practice expressing your
concerns as discussed above.

What concern did you want to bring up?

How did you ask your friend (as your partner) to hear you?

How did he or she respond?

If your partner had reservations about talking about it, how did you deal with
them?

Did he or she eventually agree?

 Repairing Your Relationship
Sometimes, despite your best intentions, things get out of hand,
your communication goes badly, and you feel alienated from your
partner. This is painful, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster. It happens to
all of us at times. The goal of skillful communication isn’t to make sure
this never happens, which is impossible. The goal is to maximize the
chances of resolving the conflict and learn how to repair things with
your partner if things go badly.59 There are many ways to reach out to
your partner to repair the rift.

• Offer understanding, empathy, and compassion.

• Apologize if you feel that you were wrong.

• Reach out for connection through touch.

• Let your partner know that you care about him or her and want to work
it out.

• Explore what parts got triggered in you and explain this to your
partner.

• Ask what your partner needs from you to be able to connect again.
 You can try repair in the middle of a conflict situation, or if one ends
badly, you can try it later. Exactly what you do to repair your connection is
less important than the fact that you are attempting to repair things. Even if
your partner doesn’t respond well to your first attempt at repair, don’t be
discouraged. Try guessing what your partner is feeling that makes him or her
unwilling to reconnect and offer that as empathy. If that doesn’t work, try
again later.
If your partner reaches out to you to repair things, make sure to
respond to his or her repair attempt, even if your partner doesn’t do it in the
most graceful way. Try to recognize when your partner is trying to reconnect
with you and reciprocate.
If you don’t feel ready to reach out for repair, or if you don’t feel like
responding when your partner reaches out to you, this means you are triggered
and not in Self. Take a time-out and explore what part of you is triggered
using IFS. See if you can get that part to relax and allow you to be in Self.
(See the section above on Accessing Self.) Then you can reach out to your
partner for repair.
 Therapist Note
The issues in this chapter come up frequently in working with couples.
It can be useful to teach them how to communicate skillfully, but this doesn’t
mean they will be able to do it very easily in the heat of the moment. If a
couple gets into an argument in a session, you can apply the ideas in this
chapter in helping them get back into Self and then communicate with each
other in a skillful way.

Summary
This chapter has discussed how to use IFS to communicate skillfully
in the midst of a conflict. This is one of the hardest things to do. The more you
work on yourself, heal your exiles, and transform your protectors, the more
you will be able to communicate skillfully. We looked at how to listen to your
partner so that he or she feels heard, how to express your feelings and
concerns so your partner is likely to hear you, how to get into Self so that you
can communicate in a skillful manner, when to bring up a concern, and how to
repair your relationship when things have gone badly.
You can learn more about communication skills and practice them in
an experiential, ongoing Interactive Group.60
 Chapter 10
Conclusion
I hope that this book has enhanced your ability to use IFS to transform
your psychological issues or to help your clients do so. Keep it handy to use
as an adjunct to Self-Therapy and Self-Therapy, Vol. 2. Many people have
found the Help Sheets in Chapters 1 and 6 to be especially useful.
IFS has transformed my life, both personally and professionally. It
has been wonderful for my clients and students. Those who take to the IFS
process find themselves moving forward quickly in understanding
themselves, healing their parts, and transforming their behavior. I hope that
IFS does the same for you (and your clients, if you are a professional).

Further Learning
There is more to teach than I could fit into Vol. 2 and Vol. 3, so I plan
to publish more books in the Self-Therapy Series. Vol. 4 will cover
advanced techniques for working with exiles, and Vol. 5 will present
techniques and insights that are primarily relevant for therapists and other
helping professionals.
Self-Therapy, Vol. 1 was based on the IFS Basic Course and the
Exiles Course that I have taught for many years. Recently I have also been
teaching Advanced IFS Classes for both professionals and the general
public, which form the basis for the subsequent volumes in the Self-Therapy
Series. If you would like to learn the material in the Self-Therapy Series in
an experiential way in a safe, connected group, consider joining one of these
Advanced IFS Classes,61 which are taught by videoconference. These are
experiential classes that include group exercises and demonstration IFS
sessions with volunteers from the class. You also pair up with other class
members for practice IFS sessions for homework. These classes are for both
therapists and the general public, and some classes are exclusively for
therapists and coaches. They are exciting to me because they combine
personal growth, professional learning, and heartfelt community among the
participants, which is growth enhancing in itself. And for therapists and
coaches, the classes give you a chance to become part of a vibrant
professional community dedicated to IFS. See Appendix D for further
resources for learning about IFS.
 Appendix A
Help Sheet and Graphic from Self-Therapy
This is a summary of the steps of the IFS procedure that were
covered in Self-Therapy, for easy reference.

1. Getting to Know a Protector

P1. Accessing a Part
If the part is not activated, imagine yourself in a recent situation when the
part was activated.

Sense the part in your body or evoke an image of the part.

P2. Unblending from the Target Part

Check to see if you are charged up with the part’s emotions or caught up in its
beliefs right now. If so, you are blended.

Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now. If you can’t tell,
you may be blended.

If you are blended with the target part, here are some options for unblending:

• Ask the part to separate from you so you can get to know it.

• Move back internally to separate from the part.

• See an image of the part at a distance from you or draw the part.

• Visualize the part in a room to provide a container for it.

• Do a short centering/grounding meditation.

If the part doesn’t separate, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did.

Explain to it the value of separating and reassure it about its fears.

P3. Unblending from Concerned Parts

Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now.

If you feel compassionate, curious, and so on, you are in Self, so you can
move on to P4.

If you don’t, unblend from the concerned part:

 • Ask the concerned part if it would be willing to step aside (or relax)
just for now so you can get to know the target part from an open place.

• If it does, check again to see how you feel toward the target part, and
repeat.

• If it isn’t willing to step aside, explain to it the value of stepping

aside.

• If it still won’t, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did, and

reassure it about its fears.

• If it still won’t, make the concerned part the target part and work
with it.

P4. Discovering a Protector’s Role

Invite the part to tell you about itself.

The part may answer in words, images, body sensations, emotions, or direct
knowing.

Here are questions you can ask the part:

• What do you feel?

• What are you concerned about?

• What is your role? What do you do to perform this role?

• What do you hope to accomplish by performing this role?

• What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?

P5. Developing a Trusting Relationship with a Protector

You can foster trust by saying the following to the protector (if true):

• I understand why you (do your role).

• I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.

• I know you’ve been working very hard.

2. Getting Permission to Work with an Exile

If necessary, ask the protector to show you the exile.

Ask its permission to get to know the exile.

If it won’t give permission, ask what it is afraid would happen if you

accessed the exile.

Possibilities are:

• The exile has too much pain. Explain that you will stay in Self and
get to know the exile, not dive into its pain.

• There isn’t any point in going into the pain. Explain that there is a
point—you can heal the exile.

• The protector will have no role and therefore be eliminated. Explain

that the protector can choose a new role in your psyche.

3. Getting to Know an Exile

E1: Accessing an Exile
Sense its emotions, feel it in your body, or get an image of it.

E2: Unblending from an Exile

If you are blended with an exile:

• Ask the exile to contain its feelings so you can be there for it.

• Consciously separate from the exile and return to Self.

• Get an image of the exile at a distance from you.

• Do a centering/grounding induction.
If the exile won’t contain its feelings:

• Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did.

• Explain that you really want to witness its feelings and story, but you
need to be separate to do that.

Conscious blending: If you can tolerate it, allow yourself to feel the exile’s
pain.

E3: Unblending Concerned Parts

Check how you feel toward the exile.

If you aren’t in Self or don’t feel compassion, unblend from any concerned
parts. They are usually afraid of your becoming overwhelmed by the exile’s
pain or the exile taking over.

Explain that you will stay in Self and not let the exile overwhelm.
E4: Finding Out About an Exile
Ask: What do you feel? What makes you feel so scared or hurt (or other
feeling)?

E5: Developing a Trusting Relationship with an Exile

Let the exile know that you want to hear its story.

Communicate to it that you feel compassion and caring toward it.

Check to see if the exile can sense you, and notice if it is taking in your
compassion.

4. Accessing and Witnessing Childhood Origins

Ask the exile to show you an image or a memory of when it learned to feel
this way in childhood.

Ask the exile how this made it feel.

Check to make sure the part has shown you everything that it wants to be
witnessed.

After witnessing, check to see if the exile believes that you understand how
bad it was.

5. Reparenting an Exile
Bring yourself (as Self) into the childhood situation and ask the exile what it
needs from you to heal it or change what happened; then give that to the exile
through your internal imagination.

Check to see how the exile is responding to the reparenting.

If it can’t sense you or isn’t taking in your caring, ask why and work with
that.
 6. Retrieving an Exile
One of the things the exile may need is to be taken out of the childhood
situation and brought into a place where it can feel safe and comfortable.

You can bring it into somewhere in your present life, your body, or an
imaginary place.

7. Unburdening an Exile
Name the burdens (painful feelings or negative beliefs) that the exile is
carrying.

Ask the exile if it wants to release the burdens and if it is ready to do so.

If it doesn’t want to, ask what it is afraid would happen if it let go of them.
Then handle those fears.

How does the exile carry the burdens in or on its body?

What would the exile like to release the burdens to? Light, water, wind,
earth, fire, or anything else.

Once the burdens are gone, notice what positive qualities or feelings arise in
the exile.

8. Releasing the Protective Role

Check to see if the protector is aware of the transformation of the exile. If
not, introduce the exile to the protector.

See if the protector now realizes that its protective role is no longer
necessary.

The protector can now choose a new role in your psyche.

 Appendix B
Definitions of Terms
Accessing a Part. Tuning in to a part experientially through an image, an
emotion, a body sensation, or internal dialogue so you can work with the part
using IFS.

Activation of a Part. When a part becomes triggered by a situation or a

person so that it influences your feelings and actions.

Assertiveness. A healthy capacity that involves being able to exert power,

ask for what you want, reach out to others, set limits, and speak your mind
without being overly aggressive.

Blending. The situation in which a part has taken over your consciousness so
that you feel its feelings, believe its attitudes are true, and act according to its
impulses. Blending is a more extreme form of activation.

Burden. A painful emotion or negative belief about yourself or the world that
a part has taken on as a result of a past harmful situation or relationship,
usually from childhood.

Childhood Origin. An incident or relationship from childhood that produced

enough pain or trauma that it caused an exile to take on a burden.

Concerned Part. A part that feels judgmental or angry toward the target part.
When you are blended with a concerned part, you aren’t in Self.

Conscious Consumption. A healthy capacity that involves being able to eat

with awareness and moderation.

Criticized Child. An exile who believes the judgments of the Inner Critic and
feels ashamed, worthless, not valuable, guilty, self-doubting, or inadequate. It
is both harmed and activated by the Critic.
Depolarization Dialogue. A conversation between two or more parts in
which each is genuinely trying to hear the other’s perspective and cooperate
in order to resolve their polarization.

Destroyer. A type of Critic that makes pervasive attacks on your fundamental

self-worth. It is deeply shaming and tells you that you shouldn’t exist.

Direct Access. A form of IFS therapy in which the therapist speaks directly
to a part, and the client is blended with the part and responds to the therapist
as the part. This also can involve two parts speaking to each other as you
blend first with one and then the other.

Disowned Anger. A pattern in which you ignore your anger or don’t allow
yourself to be aware of it.

Ease. A healthy capacity that involves being able to work successfully

without undue effort and know when something is good enough so that you
don’t need it to be perfect.

Exile. A young child part that is carrying pain from the past.

Extreme Part. A part that has an extreme role.

Extreme Role. A role that is dysfunctional or problematic because an exile

carries a burden from the past or a protector is trying to protect an exile.

Firefighter. A type of protector that impulsively jumps in when the pain of an

exile is starting to come up in order to distract you from the pain or numb it.

Foggy Part. A part that causes you to lose conscious awareness of yourself,
your thought process, and your connection to your body. You may feel spaced
out, sleepy, dull, dissociated, confused, or overwhelmed.

Food Controller. An Inner Controller that is concerned about overeating.

Forgiveness. A healthy capacity that involves letting go of grievances
against someone who has harmed you as a way of freeing yourself from
resentment and the need for revenge.

Guilt Tripper. A type of Critic that attacks you for some specific action you
took (or didn’t take) in the past that was harmful to someone, especially
someone you care about. It might also attack you for violating a deeply held
value. It constantly makes you feel bad and will never forgive you.

Healthy Part. A part that has a healthy role.

Healthy Role. A role that is the natural, constructive function of a part when
it has no burdens and no exiles to protect.

Indulger. A protector that eats too much food or indulges in drugs, alcohol,
or other potentially addictive activitiesin order to distract you from and
soothe young exiles in pain.

Inner Champion. An aspect of your Self that supports and encourages you
and helps you feel good about yourself. It counteracts the negative impact of
the Inner Critic.

Inner Controller. A type of Critic that tries to control impulsive behavior,

such as overeating, getting enraged, using drugs, or engaging in other
addictions. It shames you after you binge or use. It is usually in a constant
battle with an impulsive part.

Inner Critic. A protector that judges you, demeans you, or pushes you to do
things. It tends to make you feel bad about yourself.

Inner Defender. A protector that tries to argue with the Critic and prove that
you are worthwhile.

Inner Mentor. The healthy version of the Critic. It encourages you to look at
yourself with humility to see the ways in which you need to change how you
operate in the world, and it helps you make these changes in a supportive,
encouraging way.

Judgmental Part. A part that is critical of other people or of your own parts.

Molder. A type of Critic that tries to get you to fit a certain societal mold or
act in a certain way that is based on your own family or cultural mores. It
attacks you when you don’t fit and praises you when you do.

Part. A subpersonality, which has its own feelings, perceptions, beliefs,

motivations, and memories.

Passive-Aggressive Pattern. A pattern that involves being pleasing on the

surface but frustrating people by indirectly and unconsciously rebelling
against them or acting out anger.

People-Pleasing Part. A protector that tries to please people without

considering your own needs.

Perfectionist. A type of Critic that tries to get you to do everything perfectly.

This part has very high standards for behavior, performance, and production.
When you don’t meet its standards, the Perfectionist attacks you by saying
that your work or behavior isn’t good enough.

Pleasure. A healthy capacity that involves understanding that you deserve to

enjoy your sensuality and you are good at self-care.

Polarization. A situation in which two parts are in conflict about how you
should act or feel.

Positive Intent. The underlying purpose or intention of a part, which is

performing its role in an attempt to help you or protect you, even if the effect
of the role is negative.

Protected Child. The exile who is being protected by the Inner Critic. It may
be the same as or different from the Criticized Child.
Protector. A part that tries to block off pain that is arising inside you or
protect you from hurtful incidents or distressing relationships in your current
life.

Rebel Part. A protector that defies other people or your own parts.

Reparenting. The step in the IFS process in which the Self gives an exile
what it needs for a corrective emotional experience.

Restraint. A healthy capacity that involves being able to choose to not act
out your anger in destructive ways.

Retrieval. The step in the IFS process in which the Self takes an exile out of
a harmful childhood situation and into a place where it can be safe and
comfortable.

Role. The job that a part performs to help you. It may be primarily internal,
or it may involve the way the part interacts with people and acts in the
world.

Self. The core aspect of you that is your true self, your spiritual center, and
the observer of events. The Self is who you are when you are not blended
with parts in extreme roles. The Self is relaxed, open, and accepting of
yourself and others. It is curious, compassionate, calm, and interested in
connecting with other people and your parts.

Self-Leadership. The situation in which your parts trust you, in Self, to make
decisions and take action in your life.

Skillful Communication. A healthy capacity that involves expressing your

concerns to someone in such a way that he or she is likely to hear you as well
as listening to others in a way that they feel heard.

Strength. A healthy capacity that involves being able to be firm, powerful,

and assertive without being unduly angry.
Target Part. The part you are focusing on to work with at the moment.

Taskmaster. A type of Critic that tries to get you to work hard in order to be
successful. It attacks you and tells you that you are lazy, stupid, or
incompetent in order to motivate you. It often gets into a battle with a part
that procrastinates in order to avoid work.

Trailhead. A psychological issue that involves one or more parts. Following

it can lead to healing.

Unblending. Separating from a part that is blended with you so that you are
in Self.

Unburdening. The step in the IFS process in which the Self helps an exile
release its burdens through an internal ritual.

Underminer. A type of Critic that tries to undermine your self-confidence

and self-esteem so you won’t take risks where you might fail. It may also try
to prevent you from getting too big, powerful, or visible in order to avoid the
threat of attack and rejection.

Updating. An IFS technique that involves helping a protector see that you are
a competent, independent adult, not a dependent, vulnerable child, and you
have more external support than you did as a child.

Witnessing. The step in the IFS process in which the Self witnesses the
childhood origin of a part’s burdens.
 Appendix C
Introduction to the Pattern System
The Pattern System, which I developed, is a comprehensive way of
understanding and diagnosing personality that is oriented toward
psychological healing and personal growth. The Pattern System also helps you
understand other people—why they respond as they do, what makes them tick.
It gives you a more detailed understanding of yourself than other personality
systems.
Once you understand the Pattern System and explore yourself
according to its model, you will come away with a comprehensive map of
your psyche. You will be able to see…

• Your strengths

• Your defenses

• What drives your behavior

• Why you feel bad about yourself

• Your underlying emotional pain

• How you compensate for that

• Your inner conflicts

• The leading edge of your growth

 In the Pattern System, patterns represent dysfunctional behaviors that
cause problems for us or other people. Healthy capacities are the ways we
feel and act that make our lives productive, connected, and happy. The Pattern
System organizes the patterns and capacities according to various dimensions,
such as intimacy, power, accomplishment, and self-esteem. Each dimension
describes an area of psychological functioning that is important for human
well-being. The Pattern System includes ten interpersonal dimensions as well
as many other dimensions (see below).
IFS and the Pattern System complement each other. The Pattern System
provides a theory of the psychological content of the human psyche, while IFS
provides a powerful process for healing and transformation of psychological
problems.
Caution: When using the Pattern System, please don’t assume that just
because you know the pattern of a part, that you know the part. For example,
just because you realize that a part is a Perfectionist, it doesn’t mean that you
know very much about it. Each part is unique and can’t be understood by
simply putting it into a category (a pattern). It is important to use IFS to fully
get to know each of your parts and not just put them into boxes based on the
Pattern System.

The Intimacy Dimension

Each dimension contains two or more polarized patterns and two or
more integrated capacities. I will demonstrate how each dimension is
structured by using the Intimacy Dimension as an example.
There are two patterns in the Intimacy Dimension. The Dependent
Pattern involves relying on your partner to take care of you and make you
feel OK about yourself. This pattern can make it hard to leave a relationship
that isn’t right for you. The Distancing Pattern involves avoiding intimacy.
You might do this by remaining distant within a love relationship, by avoiding
commitment, or by avoiding intimate relationships altogether.
Two healthy capacities are related to these two patterns. Intimacy
involves the ability to be close to your partner through affection, sharing, sex,
love, and caring. Self-Support involves being able to take care of yourself
and feel solid and good, whether or not you are getting your needs met by your
partner or even if you aren’t in a relationship.
 Capacities Integrate and Patterns Conflict
Self-Support is a complement to Intimacy. For healthy relating, you
need both capacities. Intimacy helps you be close to someone, and with Self-
Support, you do not lose yourself or your identity in the closeness. If you have
Self-Support, you won’t become overly dependent on your partner, and you
won’t try to be overly pleasing or caretaking.
This is the nature of healthy capacities: they naturally integrate with
each other rather than opposing each other. They work together, both helping
you flourish. In this dimension, they help you thrive in a love relationship. If
you have both capacities, you enjoy love and intimacy while at the same time
being solid inside yourself in a way that doesn’t depend on this closeness.
Furthermore, true intimacy involves a relationship between two individuals—
people who are self-supporting and whole in themselves.
The patterns on the left and right sides of the graphic don’t integrate
with each other in the way the healthy capacities do. If you have both a
Distancing Pattern and a Dependent Pattern, they will be polarized, which
means they battle each other to determine how you relate to others. You have
an inner conflict in which these two parts of you are fighting each other to
determine how much intimacy you will have. One pattern reflects a desperate
need for connection and nurturing, while the other involves trying to avoid
closeness out of fear.
If you have just one capacity in a dimension and not the other, it
isn’t really a capacity. For example, if you have Intimacy without Self-
Support, it isn’t really Intimacy—it is Dependency. And if you have Self-
Support without Intimacy, it is really Distancing. For this reason, the nature of
capacities is that they include or integrate their polar capacity—for example,
Intimacy integrates with Self-Support.

The Capacity Is the Healthy Version of the Same-

Side Pattern
Self-Support is the healthy version of Distancing—the pattern on the
same side of the graphic. A frequent motivation for distancing is to become
Self-Supporting by cutting off your intimate connection with your partner so
you aren’t Dependent on him or her. You might even stay away from
relationships altogether to cut off your needy longings so you can feel self-
sufficient. However, when you have the Self-Support Capacity, you can be
autonomous and whole even while being really close to your partner. Another
way to say this is that Distancing is a dysfunctional version of Self-Support.
A similar correlation applies on the left side of the graphic. Intimacy
is the healthy version of Dependence, which involves having the closeness
you want without being too needy. A common motivation for Dependence is to
get Intimacy by merging with your partner or receiving excessive amounts of
caring. However, Dependence often involves losing yourself in the
relationship, which makes it virtually impossible to have true Intimacy
because that requires both people to be present with a sense of themselves
(Self-Support). Another way to say this is that Dependence is a dysfunctional
version of Intimacy.
So on each side of the graphic, the capacity is a healthy version of the
pattern, and the pattern is a dysfunctional version of the capacity.

The Capacity Transforms the Opposite-Side

Pattern
If you have the Distancing Pattern, you need to focus on developing
Intimacy in order to resolve or transform that pattern. Thus, the capacity on the
opposite side of the graphic is the one needed to transform a pattern. In order
to develop Intimacy, you will need the courage to work through your fears of
closeness, reach out to your partner, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and
work through other difficulties that may arise.
 The same applies on the other side. If you have a Dependent Pattern,
you need Self-Support to transform it, which is the capacity on the other side
of the graphic. When you are Self-Supporting, you have the internal sense of
wholeness and inner nurturing to keep you from falling into Dependence.
Here is another graphic showing these additional relationships:

Each dimension has the same structure as the Intimacy Dimension,

with two (or more) patterns and two (or more) capacities in the same
relationships with each other.
There are four groups of dimensions in the Pattern System. Here is a
graphic for the Interpersonal Dimension Group.
There are three other dimension groups in the Pattern System:
 • Inner Critic Dimension Group

• Personal Dimension Group

• Intrapersonal Dimension Group

For more information, see my book The Pattern System, the Pattern
System website,62 or the Pattern System wiki.63
 Appendix D
Resources
Websites

My IFS website64 contains popular and professional articles on IFS

and its application to various psychological issues.
The Center for Self-Leadership65 is the official IFS organization
created by Richard Schwartz. Its website contains IFS articles, trainings,
workshops, a list of IFS therapists, and more.
My Online Store66 contains books, ebooks, audiobooks, guided
meditations, IFS demonstration sessions, recorded courses, and webinars.
Self-Therapy Journey (STJ)67 is a web application for psychological
healing and personal growth based on IFS and the Pattern System.
The Self-Therapy Online Community68 is a place to connect with
people using IFS or STJ, ask questions, and share your process.
The Pattern System website69 provides the basic information about
the system, and the Pattern System wiki70 contains the latest version in outline
form.
Quiz Central71 contains a range of quizzes to help you understand
which patterns and capacities you have.
Books
Self-Therapy. How to do Internal Family Systems (IFS) sessions on
your own or with a partner. Also useful as a manual of the IFS method for
therapists.
Self-Therapy Workbook, by Bonnie Weiss. A workbook to go with
Self-Therapy.
Self-Therapy, Vol. 2: A Step-by-Step Guide to Advanced
Techniques for Working with Protectors.
Self-Therapy, Vol. 4: A Step-by-Step Guide to Advanced IFS
Techniques for Working with Exiles and Other Parts. Upcoming book in
the Self-Therapy Series.
Self-Therapy, Vol. 5: A Step-by-Step Guide to Advanced IFS
Techniques for Therapists. Upcoming book in the Self-Therapy Series.
Though this book is intended primarily for therapists, others will learn quite
a lot from it.
User’s Guides to Self-Therapy Journey. Three booklets that show
how STJ works—The Professionals’ Guide to Self-Therapy Journey, Self-
Therapy Journey: An Interactive Online Tool for Psychological Healing
and Personal Growth, and Using Self-Therapy Journey to Stop Overeating.
Pattern Books. Five books that deal with specific patterns from the
Pattern System—Embracing Intimacy, Taking Action (Procrastination),
Letting Go of Perfectionism, Beyond Caretaking, and A Pleaser No Longer.
Activating Your Inner Champion Instead of Your Inner Critic,
with Bonnie Weiss. Describes the seven types of Inner Critics and allows
you to profile your version of them in detail as well as discovering the
unique Inner Champion for dealing with each of your Critics.
The Pattern System. An overview of the entire Pattern System,
intended both for people who want to work on changing their patterns as well
as professionals who want to use the Pattern System in their work.
Conflict, Care, and Love: Transforming Your Interpersonal
Patterns describes in detail four of the interpersonal dimensions in the
Pattern System—Intimacy, Conflict, Power, and Care.
Freedom from Your Inner Critic, with Bonnie Weiss. Applies IFS
to working with Inner Critic parts.
Resolving Inner Conflict. How to work with and resolve
polarization using IFS.
Working with Anger in IFS. How to work with excessive anger or
disowned anger using IFS.
Negotiating for Self-Leadership. How to work with an IFS
protector to allow you to act in a healthy way in your life.
All of these books are available in our online store.72

Audio Products
Inner Champion Meditations. Each healthy capacity has a
corresponding Inner Champion that supports you in developing and
manifesting that capacity. For each Inner Critic, there is an Inner Champion
that supports you in the face of that Critic. There is a recorded guided
meditation for activating each Inner Champion.
 Pattern Meditations. We have a guided meditation for working with
many of the Pattern System patterns using IFS.
Demonstration IFS Sessions. Recordings of IFS sessions with
explanatory comments.
Recorded Courses. Recorded versions of the IFS Basic Course, IFS
Exiles Course, IFS Polarization Course, and Beyond Eating Course.
All of these audio products are available in our online store.73

Courses, Webinars, and Groups

Webinars. I offer free webinars on IFS, Self-Therapy Journey, the
Pattern System, and specific patterns, capacities, and wounds. Past webinars
are available for purchase in our online store.
IFS Courses. I offer videoconference courses on using IFS to work
on yourself and also courses for therapists and coaches on how to use IFS
with your clients.
Advanced IFS Courses. I offer ongoing videoconference courses74
that teach advanced IFS techniques and understandings such as those in this
book and in later volumes in the Self-Therapy Series. Some are for therapists
and other helping professionals. These are experiential courses that include
demo sessions with volunteers in class and pairing for practice sessions for
homework.
IFS Consultation/Training Groups. I lead consultation groups for
IFS therapists and coaches that include demonstration IFS sessions for
additional learning.
 Footnotes
1
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Members/Questionnaire.aspx?
Questionnaire=23

2
See Appendix C or The Pattern System, by Jay Earley.

3
For more details, see Chapters 2–5 of Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

4
For more details, see Chapters 3–5 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

5
See Accessing a Critic, Chapter 3 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

6
See Chapter 3 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

7
See Chapter 4 in Self-Therapy.

8
See Chapter 4 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

9
See Chapter 6 in Self-Therapy.

10
The Inner Defender and the Inner Critic are fighting over whether you (the
Criticized Child) should feel bad about yourself or OK. This is an example
of polarization in IFS, which is covered in Chapters 4 and 5 of Self-Therapy,
Vol 2.

11
See Chapter 5 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

12
See Chapter 5 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

13
See Chapters 11–14 in Self-Therapy.

14
See Chapter 15 in Self-Therapy.

15
See Chapter 11 in Self-Therapy.
16
See Chapter 11 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

17
See Chapter 12 in Freedom from Your Inner Critic.

18
See The Pattern System, Jay Earley, Pattern System Books, 2013.

19
https://selftherapyjourney.com

20
See Chapter 4 in Self-Therapy.

21
See Chapter 5 in Self-Therapy.

22
See Chapter 6 in Self-Therapy.

23
See Chapters 11–14 in Self-Therapy.

24
As explained in Chapters 4 and 5 of Self-Therapy, Vol. 2

This is an excerpt from a complete transcript. See Resolving Inner

25

Conflict for the entire session.

26

https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Procrastination_Pattern_
Description_Marketing.aspx

27
Using the IFS steps described in Chapters 10–14 of Self-Therapy

28
As described in Chapters 3 and 4 of Self-Therapy, Vol. 2

29
See Chapters 11–14 in Self-Therapy.

30
http://personal-growth-programs.com/products/product-
category/courses/beyond-eating-audio-course/

31

https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Eating_Issues_Descriptio
n_Marketing.aspx

https://selftherapyjourney.com/Members/Questionnaire.aspx?
32

Questionnaire=30

33
See Chapter 1 for how to work with Inner Critic parts.

34

https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Perfectionist_Pattern_Des
cription_Marketing.aspx

35
See Chapters 4 and 5 in Self-Therapy.

36
See Chapter 6 in Self-Therapy.

37
See Chapter 7 in Self-Therapy.

38
See Chapter 8 in Self-Therapy.

39
See Chapter 10 in Self-Therapy.

40
See Chapters 11–14 in Self-Therapy.

41
See Chapter 15 in Self-Therapy.

42
See Chapters 11–14 in Self-Therapy.

43

https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Depressed_Pattern_Descr
iption_Marketing.aspx

44
See Chapter 3 in Self-Therapy, Vol. 2, for an explanation of the difference
between firefighters and managers.

45
See Chapters 4 and 5 in Self-Therapy, Vol. 2.
46
This is a type of Inner Critic whose job is to keep you from engaging in
destructive activities such as addictions or rage. See Chapter 1.

47
Voice Dialogue has a primary focus on this type of part, which it calls a
"disowned self" as opposed to a "primary self."

48
In the Diamond Approach, this quality is called the Red Essence or
Strength, and it is understood that when anger is blocked, the Red Essence is
also blocked. Gestalt therapy also recognizes healthy aggression as an
important goal in therapy.

49
Somatic Experiencing has a similar understanding of the value of healthy
aggression in the renegotiation of trauma. See Waking the Tiger: Healing
Trauma by Peter Levine.

50
https://selftherapyjourney.com

51
See Chapters 4–8 in Self-Therapy.

52
See Chapters 10–14 in Self-Therapy.

53
Here are short descriptions of some of these concepts. The Controlling
Pattern involves being dominant and demanding, and expecting to have
things your way. The Rebel Pattern involves rebelling against other people’s
power in an attempt to preserve your autonomy. The Cooperation Capacity
involves the ability to be receptive and work well with others.

54

https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Description/Passive_Aggressive_Patt
ern_Description_Marketing.aspx

55
See Chapter 6 in Parts Work by Tom Holmes.

56
A wound in the Pattern System corresponds to a type of exile in IFS, or to
be more precise, it corresponds to a type of exile burden.
57
Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg.

58
I am aware that in NVC, “abandoned” would not be considered a true
feeling because it may imply that the other person did this to you, but I don’t
agree. Words like abandoned can be used to own one’s experience, and
avoiding them can become awkward and misleading.

This idea comes from the work of John Gottman, The Seven Principles for
59

Making Marriage Work.

60
http://personal-growth-programs.com/interactive_groups/

61
See http://personal-growth-programs.com/advanced-ongoing-ifs-class/ for
details.

62
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Beginning/Pattern_System.aspx

63
http://thepatternsystem.wikispaces.com/

64
http://personal-growth-programs.com/

65
http://www.selfleadership.com

66
http://personal-growth-programs.com/products/

67
https://selftherapyjourney.com

68
http://www.personalgrowthconnect.com/

69
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Beginning/Pattern_System.aspx

70
http://thepatternsystem.wikispaces.com/

71
https://selftherapyjourney.com/Pattern/Beginning/Quiz_Central.aspx

72
http://personal-growth-programs.com/products/
73
http://personal-growth-programs.com/products/

74
http://personal-growth-programs.com/advanced-ongoing-ifs-class/