Healing from a

Difficult Birth
Experience
By

Caresse Bennett
FINDING WHOLENESS AFTER A DIFFICULT BIRTH

After a difficult birth, women often find themselves wondering, how can I
feel good and whole again after this experience?

This document presents the following topics to assist you:

 Why is Healing Needed?

 Preparing for Deep Healing—Nurturing Yourself
 Setting Your Healing Intention
 Creating Ample Space for Thoughts and Feelings
 What Happened and How Do I Feel About It?
 Honoring What Happened
 Re-imagining Your Birth Experience
 Appreciating Your Birth Wisdom Gained
 Divine Mother Wisdom Post-Partum Support

Why is Healing Needed?

Many women, particularly in Western countries, find that, after giving
birth to one or more of their children, they feel dissatisfied with the birth
experience. The dissatisfaction could range from feeling let down or
disappointed because birthing in a hospital did not turn out to be the
joyful, supportive experience for which they hoped to feeling as if they
were “railroaded” into an unnecessary Caesarean surgery.

Regardless of where or how one births, and whether with many, few, or no
medical interventions, it is possible that a woman may not feel completely
happy and satisfied with her birth experience. Some women may even feel
that a particular birth experience was traumatic.

Let us assume, for a moment, that you have experienced one or more
births that you wish had gone differently. Perhaps you even feel very upset
about your birth experience, whether or not you have shown that
outwardly. You may have feelings of grief, confusion, anger, or even
depression. (In fact, it is arguable that many women who exhibit “post-
partum depression” may be reacting to the birth experience itself.)

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Additionally, in many Western cultures (particularly the U.S.), women
often have been shamed if they admitted they were unhappy with how the
birth itself went, with people telling them they “should just be happy they
have a healthy baby,” thereby attempting to devalue and invalidate the
new mother’s feelings. (This may happen because they, themselves, have
had unhappy birth experiences; because of an automatic tendency to
defend the status quo of the culture—“the doctor is always right;” or
simply from ignorance.)

You may wonder: How can I process this birth experience in a way that
helps me move forward with a feeling of personal growth and, if I choose
to have another child, perhaps better preparation and support? This is why
healing is needed.

Preparing for Deep Healing—Nurturing Yourself

There are many ways in which you can heal a birthing experience.
However, before you begin that process with a list of birth-related
questions I will provide, I want to recommend a few things for you to do
to nurture yourself because, often, this can be deep work.

Pick a time and place that feels nurturing to you. If you have the ability to
choose a beautiful location that feels comfortable and cozy for yourself,
please do so. If possible, choose a time that allows you to have the luxury
of working with the issue in a leisurely way, stopping to have a snack, a
walk, a nap, or a cup of tea, as you need to do. If you feel the need to ask a
trusted friend or relative to take care of baby while you work with the
questions, please do so—or you may want baby nearby. Ideally, you want
to be in a location where you feel secure and have some open time and
space for yourself.

I want to recognize that every woman’s situation is different. Not

everyone has the resources, financial and otherwise, to rent a picturesque,
seaside cottage, drive there, and have an entire weekend to herself (with or
without baby) to process her situation and emotions. Sometimes, we do
the best we can, and sometimes that means making do.

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What are some more modest possibilities? Here are some ideas:

 Can you make a “nest” of pillows, cushions, and covers on a bed

or sofa to help you have a cozy space?

 Is there a backyard or a nearby park where you can walk or

meditate in nature?

 If the environment is not as quiet as you would prefer, can you

listen to some non-distracting music you like through headphones
or earbuds?

 Can you have one or more nourishing images (whether photos,

artwork, or a meaningful spiritual icon) nearby where you can see
them?

 If you must stay in the location where you live, could you still have
some hours to yourself while your partner or a trusted friend takes
care of the little one (or ones) elsewhere, if that is what works best
for you?

 If your life is super-busy, can you get a notebook, print out this
document, and keep it in the notebook so that you can work with
the questions and information whenever you have 20 or 30 minutes
and it feels right to you to do so?

 Can you say to your partner or husband or woman friend, I am

having some intense feelings about how my birth went, I feel
sad/angry/depressed right now, and I just need you to be with me
and hold me for a little while and give me some comfort?

Regardless of what one chooses to do from the preceding discussion, each

of those choices sets an intention to heal and nurture one’s self in a loving
way.

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Setting Your Healing Intention
There is one other suggestion I would like to make. Regardless of how you
think of your spiritual connection or connections, whether that be the
Divine Mother, Divine Father, angels, a grandmother who you feel
watches over you, or your own Higher Self/Oversoul (or even
subconscious mind, if that is what makes sense to you), you may want to
speak or pray and simply say something like this:

“I am ready to know, understand, and heal this birth experience

that I’ve had and my feelings about it. I ask that the Divine and
all those loving beings who watch over me assist me to do so in
the time and circumstances that are perfect for me. I ask to
receive peace and perfect healing as is most perfect for me.”

The reason I make this suggestion is that, when we, as humans, state that
we are ready, willing, and open to heal an issue, often that is when the way
is shown. Sometimes the answers come very quickly, sometimes they
come months or years later but, somehow, in the meantime, we feel more
peaceful about that issue, which allows us to enjoy our lives more until the
time to heal arrives.

Now, it is time to proceed whenever you feel ready.

Creating Ample Space for Thoughts and Feelings

Working with the questions presented in this document may bring up
intense thoughts and feelings. Compassion and kindness for yourself as
you explore those questions is of the utmost importance.

Here are my suggestions for giving yourself as much loving support as

possible:

 Please read the sections on preparation for healing and setting your
healing intention.

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  Recognize that you may want to work with only 1 to 3 questions at
a time. Using a dedicated journal or notebook is a good idea if you
can do so.

 Give yourself plenty of time and space while working with these
questions. Feel free to pause at any time. You may need to allow
yourself time to feel and process your feelings, or you may simply
need to take a break. (This is one important way to nurture yourself
during the healing process. You can take as much time as you need
for each part of the healing journey—including each question.)

 If you have a supportive spouse, partner, or woman friend with

whom you feel comfortable discussing the thoughts and feelings
you are experiencing, you can share with that person to receive
comfort and support.

 Some women may want to receive excellent bodywork, do yoga, or

use breathwork or meditation (which often focuses on the breath)
to help them tune in to the physical feelings they are having and
perhaps release some of those feelings. Some women like to work
with and release feelings through dance or other exercise. Some
women like to float in a warm pool or bathtub or take a warm
shower, all of which can sometimes help to release tears, if needed,
in a safe, private environment.

 Spending time in Nature is another way you can nurture yourself.

If you live in the city, even taking the time to sit on the ground
near or under a tree while asking for peace and healing can be very
grounding and calming. Lying on your back on the ground and
imagining yourself releasing your stress into Mother Earth also is
excellent, if you have a place where you feel safe to do that.

 Another way that helps some women to process and release

feelings is to express themselves artistically, whether by drawing,
painting, dancing, writing a poem about their experiences and
feelings, or some other method. I once had an intense healing
experience shortly after creating a vase in a pottery class—
something about the feel of the clay under my hands, shaping it,
and creating the classic shape of a vase. So, be open to whether

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 there is a creative process of some kind inside you that may want
to assist you with healing your birth experience.

 If it appeals to you, create a healing altar by which you can

meditate. See the section “Create an Altar” later in this document.

What Happened and How do I Feel About It?

We must know our experience to heal it. This list of questions can help
you to clearly identify what about your experience was so upsetting or
disappointing for you. (It only matters how you felt about those items—
not whether they would upset anyone else.)

Please allow yourself time to consider and write a response to each

question. (I recommend writing your responses by hand if possible, but
you can type them if that feels more comfortable to you.) If needed, feel
free to skip a question and return to it at a later time.

1. Where did you birth? Was the location beautiful? Did it have a
nurturing feel to it? Were you able to birth in your preferred
location? How did you feel about your birthing location?

2. Did the location or facility where you birthed provide your

preferred amenities? List anything and everything that may apply.
On reflection, was there anything that was particularly missed?

(Examples include: soft, dimmed lights; fragrant flowers; a

birthing tub; a shower; a homey, comfortable room; space to walk,
dance, or otherwise move freely; nourishing food and drink that
you liked; a comfortable temperature; privacy.)

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 3. Were you able to have the birth attendant (or attendants) medically
or otherwise (for example, husband, mother, sister, friend or doula)
of your choice be with you during your labor and birth? List who
was there, who you preferred to be there, and any ways in which
you were upset or dissatisfied with this aspect of your birth. What
happened and what were your feelings about it? (Fear, dismay,
anger, panic, disappointment, lack of control?)

Please be aware that the preceding question can be particularly

sensitive if a woman expected support from a partner, family
member, or doctor and feels she did not receive what she needed.

4. Were your preferences for your birth (whether you wrote them
down or expressed them verbally) respected? Did you feel you
were respected at all times? If not, in what ways do you feel
disrespect was shown?

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 5. Were you informed of all recommended medical procedures in a
clear, timely manner? (Some common procedures include
episiotomy, Pitocin or other medication to speed contractions, pain
medication, or Caesarian surgery.) Were you given the opportunity
to accept or decline any proposed medical procedures? Were your
choices respected and followed?

Regardless of the facts of what any medical professionals may

have done, how do you feel about how any medical choices and
procedures were handled?

6. What was the quality of touch that you and your baby received
during your labor, birth, and immediately following birth? Was it
calm, gentle, nurturing, and respectful? How do you feel about the
quality of touch you and your baby received? How (if applicable)
would you have wanted it to be different?

(Hint: This question can be much more deeply felt by some women
than is usually even considered, let alone acknowledged, in
Western cultures.)

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 7. Were you allowed to labor and birth in your own, open timeframe,
or did you feel pressured to follow a timeframe defined by medical
professionals or others? If the latter, how do you feel that did or
may have affected your labor and birth? How do you feel about
how the issue was handled by your support team (medical team or
others who were there to support you)?

8. Were you supported to move physically in ways that felt needed to

you leading up to birth? In what ways did you want to move that
you were not able to because of either lack of support or being told
that you could not? (Examples include floating in a birthing tub,
walking, dancing, stretching, and squatting, or getting on hands
and knees.)

9. Were you supported to give birth (let baby pass out through the
birth canal) in your preferred place and position? (Standing,
squatting, sitting, lying on your side, on hands and knees, in bed,
out of bed, or in a birthing tub in a comfortable position are some
examples.) If not, what did happen and how do you feel about it?

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 10. Were you free to make any sounds that you needed to make during
labor and birth without feeling that anyone was shaming you,
embarrassing you, “shushing” you, or even giving you a
disapproving look?

11. When baby was born, were you able to connect and bond with
baby as you preferred, including having immediate skin-to-skin
contact with baby and nursing baby right away if that is what you
wanted? If not, why not? How do you feel about that?

12. Were your wishes about who would hold or touch baby and any
procedures related to baby immediately after birth respected (for
example, cord and placenta-related procedures)? Did you feel that
the environment you were in allowed you to refuse unwanted
procedures and have your choices be respected and followed?

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 13. Were you immediately able to keep baby with you as you wished
(rooming in, co-sleeping, and so on, according to your personal
preference), and (if not birthing at home) were you able to take
baby home with you at the time you preferred?

14. Did you have the kind of post-partum support you most wanted
and needed after giving birth (or, if you birthed in a hospital or
birth center, after taking baby home)? For example, were you able
to spend as many days as you needed relaxing, being nurtured by
family, friends, and/or a post-partum doula? Did you have
prepared meal support and/or housekeeping support? Did you have
access to an experienced woman among your family and friends or
a lactation consultant if you had any questions about breastfeeding
or needed other breastfeeding support (such as help improving
baby’s latching)? If you had a spouse or life partner, was that
person able to be with you and the little one (perhaps through
paternity leave) getting used to the parenting role and supporting
you? How do you feel about the type and amount of support you
received after giving birth?

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Remember, as you reflect on the preceding questions, that you are
exploring what your experience of your birth was. Your feelings, thoughts,
preferences, choices, and whether you chose to stand up to any medical
authority in the midst of one of the most intense and vulnerable times of
any woman’s life are yours; they belong only to you. No one else has a
right to negatively judge your birth choices or your feelings and
perceptions about your birth experience.

Also keep in mind that these questions are designed to help you determine
whether your needs were met and how you feel about what happened. By
exploring this, you not only can process feelings related to your birth
experience but also think about how you might like things to be different
if you have another baby.

Honoring What Happened

As you reflect on what you have brought to light answering the questions
in the preceding section about your birth and immediate post-partum
experience, grief and anger may be two feelings that you may have,
depending on what kind of experience you had. In some cases, a woman
may even feel that her medical practitioners acted in ways that were
insensitive or even abusive. It is important to honor those feelings just as
much as to honor your feelings of joy at having a new baby boy or girl.
Those feelings of grief and/or anger are just as much a part of your
experience as the joy; you deserve to honor them and to feel them—often,
women bury those feelings because they think (or have even been told)
that they should not have them. That is not correct—all feelings deserve to
be acknowledged, felt, and honored.

I also want to acknowledge another fact—becoming a new mother

(especially the first time) can sometimes feel overwhelming. Let us also
acknowledge that in close-knit communities and indigenous communities,
a new mother could always count on more experienced woman family
members and friends for love, affection, healing, advice, and support in a
multitude of other ways; to have that kind of deep support is much less
common in contemporary Western cultures—especially if a young mother
does not live near her female relatives or they are not good sources of
support for any reason.

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This difference in support levels contributes to the overwhelmed feeling
that some new mothers have. Feeling overwhelmed is another feeling that
often receives little recognition, let alone support—yet that feeling often
goes hand-in-hand with the joy new mothers feel. Be kind to yourself and
recognize that feeling initially overwhelmed or even a bit scared at the
amount of responsibility for a new life is not unusual; find someone you
trust with whom you can discuss these feelings if needed (and perhaps get
a hug of support, as well).

At this point, you most likely have journaled quite a bit about your birth
and post-partum experience. The journaling, in and of itself, often has a
deep healing effect as the process acknowledges your reality of your birth
and post-partum period as you experienced those events and your feelings
about those experiences. Often, while writing, tears may have come—
important tears as they have helped to release difficult feelings and stress
stored in the tissues of the body and neural pathways.

You may wonder, are there other ways that I can honor my experience of
my birth and post-partum period? I will give a few suggestions to
consider.

Create Art

You could create art that reflects your experience and your feelings about
it. (Drawing, painting, collage, jewelry, poems, songs, plays, short stories,
clay pottery or clay figures and dance are just a few suggestions of the
forms your art could take).

Create an Altar

You could create an altar on which you place your birthing journal that
you’ve just written and any items that are meaningful to you on this
healing journey. (Of course, creating an altar is something you could do
while you are exploring the questions and writing your responses to them,
as well.) Examples might be your baby’s hospital bracelet, a copy of the
first family photo with baby, or a card your spouse or partner wrote to you
expressing joy at the birth of the baby. However, if your birth was difficult
in certain ways, you also might feel the need to include as a part of your
altar a poem you wrote about your difficult feelings surrounding the birth.

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This type of altar is a type of creative healing space that reflects how you
feel at a given time—it reflects your inner journey. It may reflect how you
felt during or immediately after your birth, how you feel now, or how you
hope to feel in the future after healing further—or it could reflect all three.

Your inner self will help you to create your healing birth altar if you feel
called to do so. You will know what to include because it will be
completely individualized to you. You will know what to include, whether
it needs to be changed from time to time, and when (if ever) it is time to
dismantle the altar. You may feel moved at some point to take a photo of
your altar. You may want to meditate by your altar daily or from time to
time.

Create a Ceremony

A ceremony can be as simple as a very focused prayer with strong

intention, or it can be as elaborate as you choose to make it, including
supportive women friends and family, your baby or children, and your
partner, if you like. The ceremony you choose to create can be brief or it
can be long and elaborate and include song, dance, and food as well as
prayers, meditations, or intentions for healing and releasing old pain and
bringing in new, fresh, creative energy to your life. You may want to have
your ceremony out in Nature, as long as you can find a spot that is
appropriate where you will not be disturbed by anyone.

The most important thing about a ceremony is that it honors you, your
feelings, your experience, and has a positive intention for your healing
and growth as you go forward in your life. Again, your inner self will help
you to know what is best for you if you feel called to create a ceremony.

Become Active to Help Other Women Have Better Births

Many, many women have chosen to honor themselves and the birth
experiences they have had to heal by working to help other women have
better births—regardless of where each woman may choose to birth.
Perhaps you may feel moved to do this, as well.

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Re-imagining Your Birth Experience
Now that you have thoroughly looked at your birth and post-partum
experience and your feelings about that experience and allowed your
feelings about it to rise to the surface and process, you may want to take
the time to think about and imagine your ideal birthing experience—what
your birth experience would have been like if you had had exactly the
birth experience you wanted. You can either imagine your ideal birth in
the location where you lived when your baby was born, or you can
imagine your ideal birth if you could have birthed in any location you
chose.

Finances and passports are not relevant in this re-imagining process, as

you are imagining your ideal birth—so you can imagine whatever you
want. In your ideal birth, you can be young and have perfect health for you
and your baby and birth in the Mediterranean Sea with complete privacy
and safety if that is what most appeals to you. You can have a midwife and
friends or family members with you or just your spouse or partner. You
can even be alone if that is what feels most right to you.

Make sure that you have a safe, private space in which to do this re-
imagining process and that you will be nurtured and safe afterward, as the
process can sometimes be intense. (For example, if you choose to do the
process out in Nature, make sure you are in a safe area with enough
privacy for you to feel comfortable. If you feel the need for your partner, a
friend, or a family member as a support person, that person is with you
and possibly can drive you home. It also would be a good idea to make
sure that water, juice, and snacks are available to you after you finish.)

There are a few different ways that you can imagine and work with your
ideal birth:

 You can write down what you imagine as your ideal birth.

 You can record your voice describing what you imagine as your
ideal birth.

 You can go into a meditative mode, either sitting, lying down, or

moving around in a safe private space where you can either
directly imagine or listen to your previously recorded account. You

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 also could do this in a tub, pool, or a natural water source such as a
lake, large stream, river, or the ocean.

 If needed, you can do the re-imagining process more than once,

and you can envision different scenarios if you like.

You may wonder: How do I know what is the best way for me to do this
re-imagining? The answer is that your inner self knows and will gently
guide you.

Appreciating Your Birth Wisdom Gained

Now it is time to acknowledge to yourself how much birth wisdom you
have gained by reviewing, exploring, writing about, and processing your
birth and post-partum experience. You have joined the many, many
hundreds of millions, perhaps even billions, of women who have entered
the initiatory terrain of pregnancy, birth and motherhood and returned with
their own valuable experiences and insights. Whatever your experience
may have been, feel proud that you survived it and have gleaned wisdom
from it.

You may ask: How can what I have learned benefit me in the future? One
way is knowing yourself, your boundaries, and your preferences better.
Look at what your choices were for your ideal birth and examine what
elements of that ideal birth scenario you would like to implement for a
future birth you may have. Of course, in real life, sometimes finances and
passports do come into the picture. Perhaps you cannot, given finances, fly
to the Mediterranean to birth; however, perhaps a home birth using a tub
with your chosen midwife may be completely doable.

In addition, you also can choose to share your wisdom with other women
who may be stepping into the birthing journey that you have completed
and processed. You may have opportunities to help educate first-time
mothers about ways they can create their ideal birth and have the best birth
they can (if this appeals to you).

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Divine Mother Wisdom Post-Partum Support
I offer my loving presence and attention for post-partum support by
telephone (or sometimes Skype) sessions if you would like to have my
presence for discussion, suggestions, and reflection.

Note: Some women, if experiencing signs of post-partum depression, may

need to consult with their physician and/or a mental health therapist. I am
not a physician or therapist; therefore, if I believe that you may need to
access those resources, I will request that you do so, as I am not
qualified to practice in those fields.

In our support sessions, we can discuss the questions in this document,

your feelings and thoughts about your birth experience that relate to those
questions, and any other non-medical birth-related concerns you may
have. We also can discuss what your birth experience with your own
mother was like and how that may have influenced your birth process with
your own child.

Divine Mother blessings to each and every one of you,

Caresse Bennett

To contact me for further information about services I offer, please

send an email to:

divinemotherwisdom@gmail.com

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