18

PROLOGUE
Lights up on numerous cats and dogs sitting, standing, lying and lounging, but clearly
separated. In the background, some railway arches lend the scene an urban feel.

CATS & DOGS

All We fight like cats and dogs.
We fight like dogs and cats.
And though it really is a mystery,
Somewhere in our history
Something went so wrong.
A certain animosity
Really gained velocity
And now it’s just too strong.

We fight like cats and dogs.

We fight like dogs and cats.
It seems that no-one knows the reason,
Things just keep repeating.

Cats We do it quite unconsciously,

Dogs It’s part of our biology,
All The way it has to be.
Cats It’s part of a philosophy,
Dogs Defend it with ferocity,
All The only way we see.

All Are we that different after all? Are we that different?

Are we that different after all? Are we that different?
Cats Yes we are.
Dogs Yes we are.

Cats We fight like cats and dogs.

Dogs We fight like dogs and cats.
All And though it really is a mystery,
Somewhere in our history
Something went so wrong.
19
 A certain animosity
Really gained velocity
And now it’s just too strong.

Cats and dogs,

We fight like dogs and cats.
It seems that no-one knows the reason,
Things just keep repeating.

We do it quite unconsciously.
It’s part of our biology,
The way it has to be.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

The cast exit in all directions, occasionally making a gesture or two towards the opposite gang.
On stage remain two Dachshunds (sausage dogs) - Chorizo and Chipolata.

Chorizo Chipolata?
Chipolata Yes, Chorizo.
Chorizo What’s a Hot Dog?
Chipolata Well it’s obvious, isn’t it?
Chorizo Is it?
Chipolata Of course. It’s a dog that’s got warm in the sun. Or a really pretty dog,
like a poodle.
Chorizo (thoughtful) Hmmmmmm.
(Pause)
Chipolata?
Chipolata Yes, Chorizo.
Chorizo What are onions and ketchup?
Chipolata Why?
Chorizo Well, it’s just that my human told me he was having a hot dog with onions
and ketchup for tea.
Chipolata Really? That’s disgusting.
Chorizo But I don’t think he was eating poodle.
Chipolata No?
Chorizo I hope not. He gave me the leftovers.
20
Chipolata Oh.
(Pause)
Chorizo Are we going to the bakery tonight?
Chipolata I think Jack said it’s the cats’ turn.
Chorizo Darn those pesky cats, always getting in the way.
Chipolata They need to learn to compromise.
Chorizo What does that mean?
Chipolata It means letting us get our own way.
Chorizo That sounds good! Let’s teach them how to compromise.

Two cats, Diesel and Smokey, enter on the other side of the stage.

Chipolata Well here’s your chance.

Diesel and Smokey move towards the dogs, seemingly unworried.

Chorizo takes hold of his tail and twirls it in his hand.

Diesel (to Chorizo, confrontationally) Are you wagging your tail at us?
Chorizo I AM wagging my tail.
Diesel Are you wagging your tail at US?
Chorizo No, I’m not wagging my tail at you, but I AM wagging my tail.
Smokey Are you looking for a fight, sausage?
Chorizo My eyesight’s not that good.
Chipolata He’s short-sighted.
Diesel Short-legged too. Your pedometer must be working overtime.
Smokey What do you call a dog with short legs? (pause) Anything you like,
he’ll never catch you.

Sherlock enters, a Basset Hound.

Diesel Smokey, look! Hey, I bet YOU don’t have hearing problems!
Sherlock Pardon?
Diesel I said, I bet you don’t have hearing problems!
Sherlock Pardon?
Diesel I said, I bet you don’t have ... oh very funny.
Sherlock (to Chorizo and Chipolata) You two, come on. The Catcher’s coming.
Chorizo (slightly panicked) What?
Chipolata Where?
Sherlock He was by the canal, but he’s heading this way. Come on.

21
The three dogs leave hurriedly. Smokey calls after them.

Smokey Yes, run away little sausages, you don’t want to end up in The Pound.
Poundland is no place for sausages.
Diesel It’s very good for tuna and salmon though, very reasonably priced.
Smokey Very different Poundland, Diesel, trust me. I’ve been to both.
Diesel Oh. (pause) Which did you prefer?
Smokey Hard to say really.

Music plays - use the beginning of Track 18, ‘The Animal Catcher’ or pianists could use the first
8 bars of “The Animal Catcher”.

The cats look at each other fearfully, then run manically off stage.

Lights down as music continues.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

The cats are chilling out in their customary fashion in the alleyways, close to the back of
a bakery.

THE BACK OF THE BAKERY

At the back of the bakery,
It’s a pastry jamboree.
At the back of the bakery,
It’s a Friday night patisserie.

Group One Group Two

Take a donut, take a bun, Oooh Oooh
Take a dozen, have some fun. Oooh Oooh
Take a pastry, an eclair, Oooh Oooh
Always grab the lion’s share. Oooh Oooh
It’s the Friday night patisserie, Oh. Ahhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhh

All
At the back of the bakery,
Gathers every waif and stray.
At the back of the bakery,

22
For the stuff you throw away.

Group One Group Two

Fill your boots and fill your tum, Oooh Oooh
There’s enough for everyone. Oooh Oooh
All you ever need is there, Oooh Oooh
Always grab the lion’s share. Oooh Oooh
It’s the Friday night patisserie, Oooh Oooh
It’s the Friday night patisserie, Oh. Ahhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhh

All
At the back of the bakery,
It’s a pastry jamboree.
At the back of the bakery,
It’s the Friday night patisserie.

Cakes and delicious delights of all shapes and sizes are taken from bin liners, passed out and
consumed by the many cats - some of whom might also have a milk bottle and straw! Melody
sits slightly apart, watching but not really taking part.

Elsewhere on the stage, Jack, Fiesta, Marmite, Bullet and Salsa (the Chiwawa) are skulking in
the shadows.

Fiesta Okay Salsa, do your stuff!

Salsa Que?
Fiesta Go and be a cat. Bring us back some buns.
Salsa But I not be cat. I be dog.
Fiesta Yes, but only just. Here, stick this bell around your neck and they’ll never
know the difference.
Marmite Do some of that licking thing they do.
Bullet Preening.
Marmite Yeah, do that too.
Fiesta (to Salsa) Look, just go will you? Before they see us.

Salsa shakes her head as if in disbelief that she is doing this, then cautiously moves towards the
cats. Some of them spot her.

Fury Who are you?

Salsa I be Salsa.
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Fury Salsa! Oy, Taco.

Taco, preening, looks up.

Taco Yes, Fury, what’s up?

Fury You fancy a bit of Salsa?
Taco Nice one, Fury. Bit funny looking, isn’t she?
Carmen That, you silly lion, is because she’s not a cat.
Taco Not a cat! What on earth is she then?
Salsa I be cat. Please, I have buns?
Carmen She’s a silly, little puppy.
Salsa (annoyed) Hey! I’m a dog, not a puppy.
Biscuit I thought I smelt something unpleasant. Let’s have her for dinner!

Salsa turns and flees from the stage as quickly as she can. The cats laugh heartily, then go back
to their buns.

Action returns to Fiesta and the dogs.

Marmite Well that worked well. Perhaps we should go?

Fiesta Go! Are you joking? You’re joking ... right?
Marmite Have you seen those cats?
Fiesta Have you seen those cakes?
Marmite Well I’m not risking it.
Fiesta Chicken. What about you, Bullet?
Bullet Sure thing. I’m up for a dash and grab.
Jack No, we’re not all as quick as you. I’ve got a better idea. You and Marmite
distract them, Fiesta and I will collect the winnings.
Marmite Why can’t I collect the winnings? Why am I always the one being chased?
Fiesta Because nobody likes you, Marmite.
Marmite Hey! Some people do.
Fiesta Well anyway, you’re faster than us. Go on, we’ll meet you back at the
arches in ten.
Bullet Come on, Marmite, we’ll lead them a merry dance.
Marmite Fine. But when I get back, there had better be a roll with my name on it.

Bullet and Marmite cautiously approach the cats. When they get close, Bullet stops and lets
out a howl. The cats spy him.

Fury You’ve picked the wrong night, dog.

24
Diesel Yeah, and the wrong bakery.
Bullet (sniffing) Smells like the right one to me.
Marmite Mmmmm. Is that a Chelsea Bun I see?
Biscuit If it is, you’re too close.
Bullet I like Chelsea Buns. I might just have to take one of those.

He takes a confident step towards the cats.

Fury One more step and it’ll be your last.

Bullet waits a moment, then defiantly takes another step forwards.

Fury Get them!

The cats charge towards Bullet and Marmite who turn tail and run. The cats follow them off
the stage, except for Geoffrey - who remains by the food - and Melody - who remains in the
shadows.

Fiesta and Jack move forwards. Geoffrey is distracted by an impressively-sized pastry. Fiesta
and Jack are almost upon him when they growl menacingly. Geoffrey looks up and sees them.

Geoffrey Hisssss.
Fiesta/Jack (much louder) GRRRRRRRRR!
Geoffrey Er, I think I’ll be going then.

Geoffrey flees the stage, Fiesta giving him a ‘bark’ to speed him on his way.

Jack Bag it up and let’s get out of here.

They proceed to collect up any loose pastries.

Fiesta (excited - sung unaccompanied)

Take a pastry, an eclair.
Always grab the lion’s share.
(shouting) Well I’ve got your share now, lions!
Jack Shhh Fiesta. You go, I’ll get the rest.
Fiesta Fine by me.

Fiesta exits smartly. Jack collects up the remaining pastries and is about to follow when he sees
Melody, still semi-concealed. He stares at her, then takes a few paces towards her. She steps
back.

Jack (pause) You don’t have to be frightened; I won’t hurt you.

25
He takes another step towards her. This time she stays still, looking at him.

Jack I ... I’ve never seen a cat like you before.

Melody I’m Burmese.
Jack I’m Jack.
Melody I’m Melody.
Jack Huh? I thought you said you were ...
Melody Melody is my name. My breed is Burmese.
Jack Oh. Of course. Um ... you’re very sleek.
Melody Thank you. And you’re very ... hairy.

There is a noise offstage - a clattering bin lid, tin cans, anything distracting.

Melody You should go. You don’t want to be here when Fury gets back.
Jack I’m not scared of him.
Melody You should be, I am. Go on, please, I won’t tell them it was you.
Jack You won’t get into trouble, will you?
Melody Don’t worry, I’ll tell him it was a vicious brute of a dog, a terrifying hound
the size of a horse.
Jack (smiles) You’re lovely.

They hold each other’s gaze for a moment. Then Fury and the other Lions can be heard
entering.

Melody (whispered urgently) Run.

Jack exits the stage just in time. Fury and the other cats run back in as the lights begin
to fade.

Fury I’m going to get those filthy wolves. You hear me? I’m coming for you!

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

Lights up on The Wolves underneath the railway arches. They are just finishing off their stolen
feast. Jack sits slightly apart, distracted by his own thoughts.

Goliath Has anyone seen my last iced bun?

Bingo Check under one of your chins, Goliath.
Goliath Hey, I can’t help being big, just like you can’t help having a tiny brain.
Bingo (revealing an iced bun from behind his back) It can’t be that tiny -

26
 I managed to nick your last bun!
Goliath Why you little weasel, give it back.

He chases Bingo, who is much too nippy and elusive for him.

Fiesta Cut it out you two. Bingo, give Goliath his bun before he tries to eat
you instead.

Bingo throws the bun to Goliath, smiling mischievously.

Midnight Has anyone heard from Marmite or Bullet? Shouldn’t they be back
by now?
Fiesta They’re probably off chasing sticks.
Grace Or their own tails.
Bingo I caught mine once.
Sherlock No you didn’t.
Bingo Yes I did.
Sherlock No, you didn’t. It’s not possible.
Bingo Not for a Basset Hound, sure.
Sherlock Not for any type of dog.
Grace I guess it could be possible for a really short dog with a really long tail.
Midnight The point is, they probably got distracted. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.
Grace It’s unlike Marmite to miss a feast like this.
Bingo Yes, he likes a good spread.
Fiesta Cut it out, Bingo. In fact, you can go and look for them.
Bingo Me?
Fiesta Yes, you. Go and make sure those smelly cats haven’t scratched their
eyes out.
Grace Fiesta, don’t speak like that.
Fiesta I’m kidding. There’s not a cat in hell’s chance of them being caught,
they’re five times as fast.
Sherlock (looking off) They’re coming, I can see them. (pause) Bullet’s hobbling.
Fiesta Really? Quick, clear a path.

Bullet and Marmite enter, Bullet supported by Marmite who hobbles onto the stage then falls
to the ground, exhausted.

Fiesta What happened?

Bingo Was it Furry?

27
Midnight Do you mean Fury?
Goliath Were there lots of them?
Grace I bet there were.
Midnight You fought them off, didn’t you Bullet! Our brave, heroic ...
Grace Handsome
Marmite Handsome! Right, enough is enough. There weren’t any, okay! Not a
single cat. We’d lost them ages before that.
Fiesta So what happened then?
Marmite He slipped on a conker.
Bullet Two conkers, actually! At the same time! What are the chances?
Marmite You see. Not heroic!
Midnight Oh. Less brave.
Grace Less handsome.
Marmite (triumphant) Not a cat in sight!
Fiesta Chin up, Bullet. It could have been worse.
Bingo It could have been FOUR conkers!
Midnight You need to be more careful though. All of you do. All of you lot who think
the Lions are just pussycats.
Fiesta That’s exactly what they are.
Midnight Pussycats to be teased and taunted.
Fiesta Now you’re talking.
Midnight Well they’re not. They’re fierce, and brutal, and ... and savage.
Jack (from his rather isolated position) Not all of them.
Fiesta Oh, there you are, Jack. (jokily) I thought maybe the Catcher had
nabbed you!
Jack (ignoring the comment) In fact, I sometimes wonder whether we’ve ...
misjudged some of them. I mean, how different to us are they, really?
Goliath Hugely!
Jack Sure, to you maybe. How about Salsa though? She could almost be one
of them.
Salsa (indignant) I could not!
Jack I mean, when it comes down to it, we’ve all got paws. We’ve all got
four legs.
Bullet (rubbing his leg) Only just.
Fiesta Jack, did you hit your head on a lamppost again? They’re cats! They’re
utterly useless.

28
Marmite Pointless.
Bingo Stupid, furry animals.

WHAT IS THE POINT OF A CAT?

I don’t understand, they can’t have been planned.
How were they created?
They poop in a tray, it’s just not the way,
I think they’re demented.
They preen and they pout, cough furballs about.
It should be prevented.
They seem so aloof, hey it’s just the truth,
They’re so over-rated.

So take my advice,
They are not that nice,
Tell me what is the point of a cat?
I’m not trying to be mean,
But I just cannot glean,
Tell me what is the point of a cat?

What is the point of a ...

What is the point of a ...
What is the point of a cat?

The dogs exit (or the lights come off them - depending on staging) as the cats enter.

A number of the cats sit or lie in various positions, some dozing, others licking their paws,
others just staring fixedly the way cats often do.

Diesel I can’t believe those greedy wolves.

Smokey They’re pigs.
Geoffrey I must have lost five pounds because of them over the last few weeks.
Taco Hole in your pocket?
Chantilly You look all the better for it, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey Do you think so? Oh, well thanks very much.
Smokey Still a few pounds to go though.
Geoffrey But I’m famished. I feel like I’m wasting away. Let’s hope that Fury catches

29
 a brace of mice.
Chantilly I shed half a stone towards the end of last year. Put it all back on over
Christmas, of course.
Snowflake Well it’s just so difficult at that time of year, isn’t it! Entertaining every
night, a treat here, a nibble there.
Biscuit Maybe for you. Some of us have to find our own food.
Duchess Which is funny, given that you’re called ‘Biscuit’.
Biscuit It doesn’t feel very funny to me. In fact, it makes me even crosser when
those dirty dogs come thieving. I reckon I’ve got more reason to hate them
than the rest of you put together.
Carmen More reason than Fury?
Biscuit Well ...
Snowflake What’s his beef?
Geoffrey His favourite cut?
Snowflake No, his problem with dogs; his issues. Where do they come from?
Chantilly I’d say from Boots.
Snowflake Why would his issues come from Boots?
Chantilly Oh, sorry, I thought you said tissues.
Dottie I heard he was jettisoned by his human when the daughter wanted
a puppy.
Carmen Is that true?
Dottie That’s what I heard.
Snowflake From whom?
Dottie I’d rather not say.
Chantilly No wonder he’s so bitter then.
Carmen It might not be true.
Chantilly No wonder he’s so brutal. Who wouldn’t be? Rejected in favour of a dog.
Smokey Yeh, I mean, dogs are dumb.
Cappuccino Except the chatty ones.
Smokey Huh?
Cappuccino Never mind.
Smokey They’re dumb ... and dopey ... and ...
Snowflake Uncouth.
Smokey Precisely. They’re uncouth.
Melody (from a distance) Not all of them.
Biscuit Who was that? Melody?

30
Dottie Melody, was that you?
Melody Yes, I just ... well ... I just think that maybe they’re not all so bad.
Biscuit (shocked) What?
Geoffrey (correcting him) Pardon.
Biscuit (turning aggressively to Geoffrey) What?
Geoffrey Um ... nothing.
Biscuit Melody, have you had too much sun today? What are you talking about ...
‘not all so bad’?
Melody Well, I just wonder how different they are from us, really? We’ve all got
paws, haven’t we? We’ve all got four legs.
Smokey So has a mouse.
Diesel And a chair.
Biscuit Listen, Melody, trust me when I say that dogs are the most useless,
uncivilised, uncouth animals ever to walk this great city.
Smokey Hear, hear!

WHAT IS THE POINT OF A DOG?

I don’t understand, they can’t have been planned.
How were they created?
They chase things for fun, sniff each other’s bums,
I think they’re demented.
They bark in the night, give humans a fright,
It should be prevented.
They’re stinky and gruff, untidy and rough, it’s barely eccentric.

So take my advice,
They are not that nice,
Tell me what is the point of a dog?
I’m not trying to be mean,
But I just cannot glean,
Tell me what is the point of a dog?

What is the point of a ...

What is the point of a ...
What is the point of a dog?

31
ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR
Wolves - Fiesta, Marmite, Bullet, Midnight, Grace, Salsa
Lions - Fury, Biscuit, Diesel, Snowflake, Carmen, Smokey

The Wolves enter from one side of the stage and position themselves, looking tough.

The Lions then enter, cautiously, from the other side of the stage and mirror the Wolves’
positions.

Fury You managed to get off your lead then, dog?

Fiesta Sure. You managed to stop sleeping then, cat?
Biscuit (to Bullet - pretending to throw a stick) Hey doggy, fetch.
Bullet (growling aggressively) Grrrrrrrrr.

A touch intimidated, Biscuit takes a step back.

Midnight How about we get on with it?

Snowflake Why, is it past your bedtime?
Midnight No, I’m just worried I might catch something.
Snowflake What, like a frisbee?
Fury She’s right. Let’s sort this and go. Tomorrow night, full moon.
Winners stay, losers scram.
Fiesta Forever.
Fury Forever.
Carmen We’ll miss you. Hope you find somewhere nice.
Grace Haven’t you got a mouse to catch, love?
Carmen It beats chewing a bone, trust me.
Fiesta Ooh, this is going to be exciting. Come on, Jack, let’s go and talk strategy.
Marmite Fiesta, Jack’s not here. He took off before we got here.
Fiesta What? Not here! Then where on earth is he?
Grace He’s been a bit distant recently.
Fury He’s probably at church, praying for survival.
Biscuit Amen!
Fury Come on, Lions, let’s go sharpen our claws.

The Lions exit, waving and smiling mockingly.

Fiesta Do you know what? I can’t wait to wipe those smiles from their
smug faces.
32
Bullet We’ll be the ones smiling this time tomorrow.
Fiesta If I can find Jack. Where on earth is he? What could possibly be more
important than this?

Fiesta exits along with the male dogs.

Grace Knowing Jack, it probably involves a lady.

Midnight Sure, but sadly not this one. (They exit)

ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE

Lights up on Melody, sitting atop a wall. Music to “More Like You” - Track 15 - could play - or
the piano equivalent. Jack enters and calls out to her, unaware of where she is.

Jack Melody? Melody? Are you there? I’ve brought you a sugar mouse.
Melody Oh, how sweet! Come on up.
Jack Up there? That high up?
Melody You’re not scared, are you?
Jack Of course not.
Melody Jump up then, there’s plenty of room.

Jack tries to jump up a few times, but each time fails rather miserably and ends up looking a bit
silly.

Melody Hey, did you hear about the dog who couldn’t jump a wall?
Jack No.
Melody He never got over it.
Jack Ha ha. Maybe if I took a run up.

He retreats, then begins to run towards the wall.

Melody No, wait, you’ll hurt yourself. I’ll come down.

Melody climbs down from the wall as gracefully as possible. She approaches Jack a little
cautiously.
Jack hands her the sugar mouse.

Jack Here you go.

Melody Thank you. It’s very thoughtful of you.
Jack I thought you might be hungry. Sorry it’s not a real one, they’re really
hard to catch.
33
Melody Did you try? Just for me?
Jack Yes.
Melody Wow, you really aren’t like other dogs I’ve met.
Jack Have you met many?
Melody No, not really. Not properly. We’re meant to hate you, you see. Fury tells
everyone to hate dogs, so everyone hates dogs. All dogs.
Jack But that’s so stupid. Dogs aren’t all alike. There are Dachshunds and
Spaniels and Greyhounds and Chihuahuas. Hundreds of types. And even
then each dog is different.
Melody It’s the same with cats. Persian, Manx, Siamese, Cornish Rex. Most of us
are nothing like each other.
Jack But you do like sitting in the sun, all cats like that.
Melody Of course. We’re solar powered you see.
Jack And you all like walking along fences.
Melody I wouldn’t say I particularly like that, but I can do it if I need to, yes.
What about dogs, though, why do you all like sniffing each other’s bottoms?
That seems really odd to me.
Jack I guess it’s our way of talking to each other.
Melody Oh. (pause) Aren’t you talking to the wrong end?
Jack Um ...
Melody And you all chase after sticks. Isn’t that an extraordinary waste of energy?
Jack Oh yes, defintely. But it keeps the humans happy. We like to humour them.
(Voice Offstage) Fetch!

Jack turns instinctively to chase after the stick, then stops himself and turns back around.

Jack Sorry, force of habit. Yes, we love humouring the humans.

Melody Us too. It’s our favourite pastime.
Jack Let’s face it, dogs and cats are practically the same compared to people.
Melody That’s just what I was thinking. We’ve all got tails, haven’t we? We’ve all
got four legs.
Jack It’s only our name which is different; what’s in a name?
Melody Milk by any other name would taste as sweet.
Jack A bone would feel as hard.
Melody Precisely.
Jack Exactly.

34
 MORE LIKE YOU
Jack I’ve finally come to see things from both sides,
To recognise the truth and what are lies.
I’ve found a shining light within the dark,
Take comfort from a purr and not a bark.

‘Cos when she’s happy, I’m happy.

And when she’s sad, I am too.
And when I’m walking in her footsteps,

I can see this world anew.

‘Cos I’ve finally learnt to see things more like you, oh yeah.

Melody I think I’ve come to see we could be friends,

To set aside our fears and make amends.
I understand most dogs are not that bad,
In fact this one I’ve met makes me feel glad.

When he’s happy, I’m happy.

And when he’s sad, I am too.
And when I’m walking in his footsteps,
I can see this world anew.

Both ‘Cos I’ve finally learned to see things,

Yes I’ve finally learned to see things more like you.

Fiesta calls from offstage.

Fiesta (offstage) Jack? Where are you?

Jack (to Melody) It’s Fiesta.
Melody I’d better go.
Jack Don’t worry about him, he won’t mind.
Melody I wouldn’t be too sure about that.
Jack I’ll see you again though, won’t I?
Melody I very much hope so. (she smiles) Bye Jack.

Melody exits. Jack watches her leave. Fiesta enters a few moments later.

35
Fiesta There you are, I’ve been looking all over. Where have you been?
Don’t you know there’s a war on?
Jack What?
Fiesta We’re facing off against the cats. All of them. This is it, Jack,
this is our chance!
Jack But ... but ...
Fiesta Stop thinking about ‘buts’ and start thinking about action. Come on,
let’s catch some cat.

Fiesta exits with purpose. Jack waits for a moment, thinking. He looks off once more to where
Melody had made her exit, then follows on after Fiesta.

ACT ONE, SCENE SIX

Lights remain on as Chipolata and Chorizo enter.

Chorizo Chipolata?
Chipolata Yes, Chorizo.
Chorizo You know how they say ‘the cat’s pyjamas’?
Chipolata Yes.
Chorizo Cats don’t wear pyjamas.
Chipolata No.
Chorizo So why isn’t it ‘the cat’s collar’, or something like that?
Chipolata It’s nothing to do with pyjamas. Or cats. It just means something is cool.
Chorizo Cool?
Chipolata Trendy.
Chorizo Oh. (pause) So in theory it could be ‘the dog’s pyjamas’?
Chipolata I guess so. Though there’s already the dog’s ...

(he stops, takes a look at the audience, then slowly corrects himself)

... the dog’s dinner.

Chorizo The dog’s dinner?
Chipolata Well, actually it’s ‘a’ dog’s dinner. It means mucky.
Chorizo What, so that cat’s pyjamas means ‘cool’ and a dog’s dinner
means mucky?
Chipolata Yes.
Chorizo That’s so unfair. I’m not mucky; are you mucky?
36
Chipolata Nope.
Chorizo Exactly. We’re far less mucky than the cats. Less vain, less uppity.
Chipolata Less percepetive?
Chorizo Absolutely. You know, I was a bit scared earlier ... about tomorrow night.
Chipolata The Rumble?
Chorizo Yes, the Rumble. But I’m not now. I’m ready for it.
Chipolata You’re not scared.
Chorizo (pause) Well, just a bit.
Chipolata Me too.

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVEN

The cats and dogs enter from either side of the stage - and perhaps from elsewhere - as music
plays.

GONNA GET YOU

Dogs Bichon Frise, Pekinese, Dachshund, Schnauzer, Pug
Afghan Hound, Bedlington, Border Collie, Lab
Cats Siamese, Russian Blue, Bobtail, Tom Cat, Manx
Egyptian Mau, Balinese, Bengal, Tabby, Rex

Cats Listen really close, it’s the sound on the street,

It’s the roar of the Lions, it’s the claws on our feet.
Creeping on the fences, climbing down the walls,
Jumping off the rooftops, no-one ever falls.
This cat gonna get you,
This cat gonna get you, dog.
This cat gonna get you,
This cat gonna get you, dog.

Dogs Listen really close, there’s a sound on the street,

It’s a bark, it’s a bite, it’s the dogs on the beat.
Wolves in the moonlight, wolves in the park,
Stalking through the alley-ways, crawling through the dark.
This dog gonna get you,
This dog gonna get you, cat.
This dog gonna get you,
37
 This dog gonna get you, cat.

All Listen really close, there’s a sound, there’s a knell,

There’s a bark, a miaow, there’s a feel, there’s a smell.
Stiffen every sinew, sharpen every claw,
Straighten every whisker, then we’ll win the war.

Cats This cat gonna get you,

This cat gonna get you, dog.
This cat gonna get you,
This cat gonna get you, dog.
Dogs This dog gonna get you,
This dog gonna get you, cat.
This dog gonna get you,
This dog gonna get you, cat.

Alternate This dog gonna get you
This dog gonna get you
This dog gonna get you
This dog gonna get you
This dog gonna get you
This dog gonna get you
This dog gonna get you
This cat gonna get you
This cat gonna get you
This cat gonna get you
This cat gonna get you
This cat gonna get you
This cat gonna get you
This cat gonna get you

Fury Oh I am going to enjoy this. I’ve been waiting a long time for this day.
Fiesta What a shame it will be your last. Well, shame for you.

The ‘Wolves’ laugh.

Fury We’ve spent our whole lives putting up with dogs. Now I reckon it’s
time to put you down!

The ‘Lions’ laugh.

Fiesta What a load of tripe.

Geoffrey (excited) Where?
Fiesta (to Fury) You’ve got a lot of rage for a small cat. Are the rumours true?
You got booted out when the humans took in a puppy? Ouch.

38
Fury You won’t be saying that when I’m done. You’ll be desperate, on your
knees, wishing you’d never been born. We’re going to fight for all cats
everywhere, every cat that’s had to put up with you whining to go for walkies,
rolling on your backs to have your tummies tickled. Today is the day when the
cat unleashes its claws and swats the fly. When our hallowed turf becomes ours
again. Today is the day when ... (he begins to cough) ... when ... (he coughs
again, then looks like he is going to be sick, making half-vomiting sounds)
Marmite He’s got a furball.

It begins to get worse. The dogs start to chuckle.

Bingo Furry’s got a furball!

The dogs start to laugh and point more openly. Fury looks very uncomfortable and
embarrassed. The other cats look amongst themselves, not knowing what to make of it.

Fiesta What’s the matter, Furry? Cat got your tongue?

Sherlock You’re not going to Winalot now, are you!

Fury looks around once more in desperation, but then heaves once more.
He scurries off in shame.

Bingo Bye, Furry, send us a postcard.

Fiesta (to the remaining cats) Now then, who’s next?

A number of the dogs take a step towards the cats, when suddenly we hear a siren, perhaps
underscored by the music from The Animal Catcher - Track 19.

Sherlock The Catcher! It’s the Catcher!

Biscuit (to the cats in desperation) Run everyone. Run!
Fiesta (to the dogs) Scram. Get out of here. Run for your lives.

There is panic and mayhem as the dogs and cats try desperately to escape, bumping into - and
falling over - each other in the chaos as the lights begin to fade.

(Voice offstage) I’ll have this one ... and this one ... and you kitty, in you go.

Lights down.

End of Act One – Interval

39
40
ACT TWO, SCENE ONE
Music plays - the introduction to Track 17 “Play It Cool” would work well.

Melody, Dottie, Carmen, Snowflake, Chantilly and Duchess sit as if in a beauty parlour. Doing
their hair, nails, giving massages are various other cats, or even dogs in disguise.

Dottie Honestly, how I’m supposed to look after six new kittens when the last
lot are still nippers, I just don’t know. But will he listen? Will he heck! I’ve a
good mind to tell him I’m done and he can find some other mug.

Pause. Melody doesn’t answer, lost in thought.

Dottie Melody? Did you hear me? I said he can find some other mug.
Melody (suddenly realising she is being spoken to) What? Sorry. Did you say
you need a hug?
Dottie No, a mug.
Melody What do you need a mug for?
Dottie No, I am the mug.
Melody You’re a mug?
Dottie Yes!
Melody Um ... are you feeling alright?
Dottie You haven’t been listening to a single word, have you?
Melody Sorry Dottie. I was just thinking about ... well, just thinking.
Dottie About a boy! I know that look of yours.
Melody What look?
Dottie That longing look, that yearning pose you do.
Melody I do nothing of the sort.
Dottie (turning to Snowflake) Snowflake, does Melody have a yearning pose?
Snowflake What, this one? (she does a comic ‘yearning’ pose, a look of longing,
lost in thought)
Dottie That’s the one!

All the cats laugh, except Melody - who does at least manage a smile.

Duchess So who is it? Taco? Smokey?

Carmen Geoffrey?
Melody Lord no. I mean, they’re nice enough, but not really to my taste.
Snowflake Do we know him? What’s his name then?

41
Dottie Of course we do. We know all of them.
Melody No, you don’t, not him. He’s ... he’s not from around here.
Snowflake Lucky him.
Carmen When do we get to meet him?
Duchess Are you seeing him today?
Melody I’m not really sure. I hope so. I actually haven’t seen him for a while.
Snowflake Do you think he’s losing interest?
Dottie Snowflake!
Snowflake Sorry.
Melody I hope he’s not. It’s complicated.
Carmen When isn’t it, love?
Melody I’m sure he’s got a good reason for not coming.
Carmen Of course he has. Just like Diesel will have a good reason for not coming
to see me - something like “I had to look after my little sister”. He doesn’t even
have a sister!
Snowflake Or “My hair goes frizzy in the rain!”
Dottie I hate that one.
Duchess Or “I’ve just been wormed and need to stay close to the litter tray.”
Chantilly Yuck, how utterly foul.
Melody I don’t think that’s it. He’s not like that.

Pause. The other cats share knowing looks with each other.

Melody Maybe I should go find him.

All No!
Melody No?
Dottie Absolutely not. That’s the worst thing you could possibly do.
Snowflake Absolutely.
Melody Really?
Dottie Listen Melody, if you want this ... thing ... to work out, then don’t even
think about running to him, throwing yourself at him, chasing him all
over the place. There’s only one way there’s a future for the two of you, right
girls?
All Right.

42
PLAY IT COOL
Throughout the song, Melody listens intently but does not join in.

Play it cool,
Act like you don’t want him.
You’ve got to play it cool,
Act like you don’t care.

Backing Vocals
‘Cos if you
Show him you love him, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
If you show him you do, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
He’ll only be like the others, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
And walk right out on you. Oooh wop wop wa-ooh

So play it cool,
Act like he is nothing.
You’ve got to play it cool,
Act like he’s not there.

Backing Vocals
‘Cos if you
Show him you need him, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
If you show him you do, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
He’ll only be like the others, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
And walk right out on you. Oooh wop wop wa-ooh

So play it cool
Play it cool

Backing Vocals
Play it cool, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
Act like you don’t want him. Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
You’ve got to play it cool, Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
Act like you don’t care. Oooh wop wop wa-ooh
Play it cool Play it cool
43
Song ends. Cappuccino enters.

Cappuccino Carmen?
Carmen Oh hi Cappuccino. Everything alright? You look like someone has stolen
your stripes.
Cappuccino I’m fine, it’s just ... it’s Diesel. Carmen, he’s in The Pound.
Carmen What? No. He can’t be.
Cappuccino He got caught by the Catcher at the Rumble. Him, Smokey and a couple
of dogs. They got taken.
Carmen/
Melody No!
Dottie How do you know?
Cappuccino I saw them being led in. I was out that way seeing a friend and there
they were, the other side of the fence.
Carmen But ... but ...
Snowflake Don’t worry love, he’ll be alright.
Carmen How? How will he possibly be alright? “You’re in The Pound, you’re never
found, you’ll soon be three feet underground”. That’s what they say
isn’t it!
Melody Was one of the dogs black and white?
Cappuccino Dogs!
Melody Cappuccino, think. Was one of the dogs black and white? Did he have
black eyes with a white stripe down his face?
Cappuccino How should I know, they all look so similar.
Melody No they don’t, Cappuccino. They don’t look the same at all. Was one of
them black and white?
Cappuccino Yes, Melody, I think he was.
Melody (distressed) Jack.
Snowflake Jack!
Carmen Who on earth is Jack?
Dottie (to Melody) A dog! You’re friends with a dog?
Melody I ... I ...
Dottie Oh great.

Chantilly faints into the arms of her beautician as the lights go down.

44
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO
The Pound. Dogs and cats of various types, including Mastiffs, Pit Bulls and Maine Coon cats
are positioned around the edge of the stage, perhaps even caged.

Jack and Sherlock (dogs), Diesel and Smokey (cats) are in two separate cages centre stage.
The inmates sing to the new arrivals.

THE ANIMAL CATCHER

The Animal Catcher
Has finally got ya.
And now you’re in The Pound,
You’ll think you’re safe and sound.
But the Animal Catcher
Is a terrible creature.
He’ll have you for his tea,
It’s sausage dog and peas.
And if you don’t have a home to go to,
He may home you permanently.
Wait and see, wait and see.
The Animal Catcher
Is a horrible snatcher.
He’ll steal you from the street,
Right underneath their feet.
The Animal Catcher
Is a terrible creature.
And if he wants a snack,
He likes a tasty cat.
And if you don’t have a home to go to,
He may home you permanently.
Wait and see, wait and see.
The Animal Catcher ... nya ha ha ha ha
The Animal Catcher ... nya ha ha ha ha
The Animal Catcher ... nya ha ha ha ha
The Animal Catcher ... nya ha ha ha ha

The following lines come from all around and could almost be overlapping, and therefore quite
intimidating.
45
Bruno Oy, newbies. How are you feeling?
Brick Are you hungry?
Spike Better get used to it.
Tiger Unless you like rats.
Bruno Plenty of rats.
Fang And lice. Do you like lice, newbies?
Rambo Are you scared?
Spike Terrified?
Nero Do you think you’ll ever get out of here?
Leo You won’t, you know. You might think you will, but you won’t.
Tank You won’t sleep either.
Fang Or you’ll sleep too well, if you know what I mean.
Brick An everlasting sleep.
Tyson So be careful what you wish for.
Tiger It could be worse, remember that.
Bruno And remember your place. You’re a newbie.
Spike A nothing.
Leo A nobody.
Nero You’re forgotten.
Tank End of.
(Pause)
Bruno Bye newbies, have fun ...

The animals around the outside slink into the shadows laughing.

Sherlock This doesn’t look too promising, Jack.

Jack (agreeing) No.
Sherlock And where am I supposed to ... you know?
Jack What?
Sherlock Relieve myself?
Jack Oh.
Sherlock It’s so degrading.
Diesel (from next door cage) You sniff each other’s bottoms and you think
that’s degrading?
Sherlock Quiet, cat. Go back to sleep.
Diesel Are you kidding me? I only sleep in the sun.
Sherlock I only sleep in a basket.

46
Diesel There’s not even a windowsill to lie on.
Smokey This place gives me the creeps.
Diesel Smokey, we are getting out of here.
Sherlock And how are you planning to do that, exactly?
Diesel As if I’m going to tell you, dog.
Jack We could help you.
Diesel Help from a dog! What are you going to do, fetch me a stick?

Smokey chuckles

Diesel No thanks, barky. Have a nice life!

Jack You’re going now? Right now?
Diesel Well, not quite right now. I’ve got to figure out how to actually escape
first, but it won’t take me too long.
Jack Look, I’ll do you a deal. I need to get out just as much as you do.
Smokey I doubt that.
Jack I do. I can’t tell you why, but I do. Anyway, if I work out how to escape,
I’ll make sure you’re with me.
Sherlock Why? What do we need cats for?
Jack (ignoring him) And if you figure it out first, you take us too. Sound good?
Smokey No.
Diesel You’re only asking because you know we’ll get out first.
Jack I’m asking because no-one deserves to end up here. No-one.
Sherlock Not even a cat?
Jack Not even a cat, Sherlock.
(pause - looking around) Now then, how on earth are we going to escape?

Lights down

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

A number of the cats stand or sit around, boys together, girls together.
Absent are Melody, Dottie and Carmen.
We join one of the groups of girls in mid conversation.
Duchess What kind of dog? What’s his name?
Chantilly Do dogs have names?
Snowflake Of course, Chantilly, how else would they know who they were talking to?
Chantilly Dogs can talk?
Cappuccino (to Duchess - moving things on) He’s called Jack.

47
Chantilly What a stupid name.
Duchess Well as far as I’m concerned, it’s him or us.
Snowflake I want nothing to do with her.
Chantilly And certainly nothing to do with Jock!
Cappuccino Jack.
Chantilly Whatever!
Duchess/
Snowflake Whatever!

Conversation moves to the remaining male cats (Taco and Geoffrey) standing in a different
group. The previous group continues in mime.

Geoffrey I was actually rather fond of her myself. I like a good melody!
Taco I was too, though there was always something a little unusual about her.
Geoffrey She turned down my offer of dinner once. Foie gras served with liquorice
root and essence of mushroom.
Taco I can’t imagine why she turned THAT down!
Geoffrey I’ll have you know that I am the perfect gentleman when it comes
to the ladies.
Taco Well you’re clearly not perfect to Melody.
Geoffrey Shhh, she’s coming.

A silence descends as Melody enters and, clearly aware of her impact, moves self-consciously
towards the group of girls. The male cats leave, then the female cats also in as haughty a
manner as possible until only Cappuccino remains with Melody.

Melody Well I guess that makes things pretty clear.

Cappuccino They’ll come around. Cats move slowly, remember. They’re just in shock.
Melody I’m worried it might be more than that. We’ll have to see I guess. I’m not
sure I really care anyway, I’m just worried about Jack.
Cappuccino Do you know if he’s alright?
Melody No.
Cappuccino Do you know where he is?
Melody Not really. Somewhere not here. Somewhere else.
Cappuccino I’m sure he’ll be okay, Melody. If it’s one thing I do know about dogs,
they keep fighting until all hope is gone.

Duchess appears (just) on stage, keeping her distance.

48
Duchess Cappuccino, Biscuit wants you. Now!
Cappuccino I’m busy.
Duchess She said right now.
Cappuccino Tell her to get dunked.
Melody Go. It’s fine. I don’t want to cause any more trouble. I’ll be fine.
Cappuccino They’re the ones causing the trouble.
Melody (smiles kindly) Go. It’s okay.

Cappuccino pauses for a moment, gives Melody a friendly look of support, then leaves after
Duchess who has already stomped off. Lights edge towards dusk as music plays.

SOMEWHERE
Melody
Somewhere, I know you are waiting for me,
Somewhere, looking at the same moon shining up there,
Hoping that we’ll be together soon.

Somewhere, I know you are thinking of me,

Somewhere, looking at the night sky that is out there,
Hoping that we’ll be together soon.

And though we may walk different paths,

They will say it cannot last,
Time will surely prove them wrong,
And we’ll go on.

Jack (spotlit/sat somewhere else on stage - as if from his cell)

Somewhere, high above the clouds and buildings,
Somwhere, no one in the world is listening,
Somewhere, hoping that we’ll be together soon.

Somewhere, I know you are waiting for me,

Somewhere, looking at the same moon shining up there,
I know that we’ll be together soon.

Company (some or all, on or offstage as necessary)

Somewhere, I know you are waiting for me,
49
Somewhere, looking at the same moon shining up there,
I know that we’ll be together soon.

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR

Lights up on Chipolata on stage, alone. He looks around for Chorizo, confused not to see him
there. He then spots the audience and looks even more comfortable.

Chipolata (stage whisper) Chorizo? (pause) Chorizo!

Chorizo (offstage) Yes, what is it?
Chipolata Where are you?
Chorizo I’m here.
Chipolata Where? You’re meant to be on, it’s our bit.
Chorizo What bit?
Chipolata Our funny bit.
Chorizo Oh, well about time.
Chipolata Come on then.
Chorizo I can’t. I’m busy.
Chipolata Busy! What are you doing?
Chorizo I’d rather not say.
Chipolata Oh for heaven’s sake, let’s hear it.
Chorizo I don’t think that would be wise.
Chipolata What on earth are you doing?
Chorizo I’m doing a doodoo, okay!
Chipolata You’re doing a doodoo?
Chorizo Yes, I’m doing a doodoo.
Chipolata Oh.

Pause. Chipolata looks awkwardly around, wondering what to say. He moves a touch closer to
the audience.

Chipolata Um ... does anyone have a scooper?

(pause as no answer)
You know, a pooper scooper?
Would you all mind checking under your seat, I’m sure I saw one earlier. Though
why anyone would bring a pooper scooper to a play I have no idea.
Aha, super duper, a super duper pooper scooper.
Thank you Mr Gladstone
50
(Mr G has had a pooper scooper planted beneath his or her seat prior to the performance)
... I guess you have to be ready for anything in your position. I’ll get it right back
to you.

He returns to the stage and nips off to see Chorizo.

Chipolata (offstage) Here, use this.

Chorizo Where did you get that?
Chipolata Mr/Mrs/Miss ... had it underneath their seat!
Chorizo Really? Why would they have a pooper scooper beneath their seat?
Chipolata How on earth should I know? That’s his/her business.
Chorizo Oh, I see. Perhaps THAT’S what it’s for.
Chipolata Right, I’d better take it back to him/her. Hurry up will you, we’ve got
a scene to do.

Chipolata returns to the stage with the scooper and hands it back to its owner, perhaps giving
it a wipe, thanking him or her profusely (lots). Chorizo re-enters.

Chipolata Now then, how are you feeling?

Chorizo Relieved. Very relieved.
Chipolata Good, then let’s do our scene.
Chorizo Hang on. Look.

They look up and see a female cat who has entered. She moves across the stage in
an unhurried and confident manner, seemingly unaware of the dogs until she has
almost gone.

Chipolata Er, hello!

She turns to look at them.

Cappuccino Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there.

Chorizo We’re dogs.
Cappuccino Yes you are, well done.
Chipolata Grrrrr.
Chorizo Grrrrr.
Cappuccino (exaggerated) Miaow.
Chorizo We’re dogs! Aren’t you afraid of us?
Cappuccino (laughs) Not in the slightest.
Chorizo Oh.

51
Chipolata Oh.
Cappuccino I’m Cappuccino.

The dogs snigger and giggle.

Cappuccino What are you laughing at?

Chipolata Your name; it’s funny.
Cappuccino Why?
Chorizo Why? Because it’s a type of drink. Every morning my human has a
“Grande, Iced, Sugar-free, Vanilla Cappuccino with Soy Milk and toffee-nut
syrup ... decaf.”
Cappuccino What are you talking about? You do talk nonsense.
Chorizo It’s my favourite subject.
Cappuccino I see. So what are you called?
Chipolata I’m Chipolata.
Chorizo And I’m Chorizo.

Cappuccino starts to giggle.

Chipolata What’s so funny?

Cappuccino (still giggling) Sausages! You’re named after sausages. You’re sausage
dogs named after sausages.
Chorizo (proudly) We are nothing of the sort. We are dachshunds.
Chipolata Short-legged dachshunds to be precise.
Cappuccino You’re named after sausages and you don’t even know it!
Chorizo Well you’re named after a hot drink and YOU don’t even know it!
Chipolata This is ridiculous. Why are we called by such silly names?
Chorizo Do you think all cats and dogs are called by silly names?
Cappuccino Probably. It’s the humans trying to be clever.
Chipolata /
Chorizo Ha! As if!
Chorizo They are so dumb! My human can’t even hear his own alarm clock,
I have to lick his face instead.
Cappuccino That’s just like my human. She checks her phone every minute of the day,
then when it does ring she completely ignores it!
Chipolata They’ve got a lot to learn, these humans. Dogs are far smarter.
Cappuccino And cats are even smarter.
Chipolata I’ve never met a stupid one.

52
Cappuccino Oh there are some, trust me. My friend Geoffrey thought that a hot dog
was a dog that had got warm in the sun.
Chipolata Oh ... um ...
Cappuccino But most cats are pretty smart. Just as most dogs are pretty brave.
Chorizo Hear hear!
Chipolata Do you think so?
Cappuccino Absolutely.
Chipolata Well isn’t that just splendid. You do speak a lot of sense, Cappuccino, I’m
really pleased we didn’t scare you away with our ferocious growls earlier.
Cappuccino Yes, they were truly ferocious! I almost lost one of my nine lives!
Come on, I’ll introduce you to some of my friends.
Chorizo Oh, er, really? You don’t think we’ll frighten them?
Cappuccino (laughs) I think they’ll be okay. Come on.

Lights down as they exit.

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE

Jack, Sherlock, Diesel and Smokey in their respective cages centre stage. As before, they are
surrounded by all manner of dishevelled looking cats and dogs, who remain quite threatening
in what they say and how they say it.

Bruno Oy, newbies, how are you doing?

Brick Does the future look rosy?
Spike Are you feeling chipper?
Tiger How are the escape plans?
Fang Give it up, newbies. We’ve all been there ... and we’re all still here.
The sooner you accept that you’re one of us ...
Tyson ... that you’re a lifer ...
Fang The sooner things will start to feel better.
Leo Forget what you were.
Tank Forget your friends. They’re not your friends any more.
Bruno We’re your friends, newbies, aren’t we everyone?
Rambo Sure we are. Best friends you’ll ever have.
Nero They can’t even remember your name. You don’t exist to them.
Tank You’re one of us now.
Bruno Get comfortable, newbies. Nobody leaves The Pound.
53
All (echoing) Nobody leaves The Pound ... Nobody leaves The Pound.

They continue as they exit, leaving just Jack, Sherlock, Diesel and Smokey.

Jack It’s not true you know. Animals do leave The Pound. I know they do.
Smokey Yes but how do they? How do they even get out of their cell?
Diesel Okay, here’s one idea.
Sherlock Is it better than your last one? Starving ourselves until we’re thin enough
to squeeze through the bars.
Diesel Yes, it is. Now stop interrupting. We each climb up the bars right up to
the top of our cells, and hold on really tight. Then, when the humans next come
to feed us, they’ll think we have already escaped. They’ll rush off to sound the
alarm, forgetting to close the doors. We leap down, out of our cells, and off to
our freedom.
Smokey Brilliant. That’s it, that’s the one!
Sherlock Sure. Except for a few slight problems. Firstly, we can’t climb. Secondly,
we can’t hold on really tight. Thirdly, they’ll still see us at the top of our cells,
and lastly, even if we did get out of our cells, there’s a locked door just there,
and another beyond it, and probably another beyond that.
Smokey (deflated) Shucks.
Diesel Fine. Go on then Sherlock! You think of an idea if it’s so easy.
Sherlock I didn’t say it was easy! It’s not.
Smokey (excited) I’ve got one, I’ve got one!
Sherlock What, a brain cell?
Smokey Very funny. I’ll have you know that I’m the smartest cat in my family.
Sherlock I’m guessing you’re an only child?
Diesel (interrupting impatiently) Just tell us will you?
Smokey Okay. We steal a lab coat, stand on each other’s shoulders, put on one of
those breathing masks that hide your face and pretend to be the vet.
Sherlock Are you serious? Are you actually putting that forward as a suggestion?
Smokey Yes, I am. You got a problem with that?
Sherlock Alright kitty, keep your claws in. It so happens that I am right in the middle
of hatching a supremely brilliant and elaborate plan involving tunnels,
diversions, bribery, unlocked windows and some worming tablets.
Smokey Oh sure, you mock me for my idea and that’s all you can come up with.
Sherlock It’s a work in progress.
Diesel Keep it that way.

54
Smokey Let’s face it, we’re never going to get out. Nobody else has managed it,
why should we?
Jack They have managed it. Well, someone has.
Diesel Who?
Sherlock Yes, who?
Jack Salsa.
Sherlock Salsa!
Smokey Who’s Salsa?
Diesel She’s that tiny little dog who looks like a cat! Remember? She came up to
us asking for buns.
Smokey Her! But she’s tiny. How on earth did she escape?
Jack I’ll tell you how she escaped ... (pause for maximum suspense) ...
by being cute.
Sherlock Cute?
Jack Yes, cute. Very, very cute. And very smart.

IF YOU’RE SMART
Jack
If you’re smart,
The humans will love you,
Just be sure,
Show them every trick you do.
Roll around,
Sit up and beg,
Do sad eyes,
Hold up one leg.
Jack Backing Vocals
‘Cos if you’re smart If you’re smart
Then you will touch their hearts, You will touch their hearts,
‘Cos if you’re smart If you’re smart
Then you will touch their hearts, You will touch their hearts,
And they’ll save you.
Sherlock
Do not bark, (echo)
Or whine or scratch or purr, Whine or scratch or purr

55
Diesel
Lick their hands, (echo)
And let them just stroke your fur. Let them stroke your fur

Smokey
You’ll have found, (echo)
A friend to set you free, Friend to set you free

Jack
Just make sure (echo)
You’re as cute as cute can be. Cute as cute can be

Group One Group Two

‘Cos if you’re smart If you’re smart
Then you will touch their hearts, (x4) You will touch their hearts, (x4)
And they’ll save you.

As the song ends, they make themselves look as presentable as they possibly can. We hear a
voice from offstage.

(Voice Offstage) Open up cell number 379. It looks like some of our guests will be checking
out today.

Jack, Sherlock, Smokey and Diesel smile at each other and high-five, making it very clear that
they are about to be freed.

Lights down.

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX

Melody sits on the wall, alone once more. Duchess, Snowflake and Chantilly enter. They stand
deliberately near enough to Melody for her to hear, but they do not look at her or actually talk
to her.

Duchess What is she still doing here?

Snowflake I know. I mean, seriously, get the message. Go!
Duchess Perhaps we need to spell it out for her.
Chantilly Okay. ‘G’ ...

56
Duchess (whispered) ‘O’.
Chantilly ‘O’. There. Easy.
Snowflake What’s she waiting for anyhow? He’ll be mincemeat by now. He’s never
coming back.
Melody (instinctively) You don’t know that!

The girls look at her, then turn away and ignore her.

Duchess If I were her, I’d be too ashamed to show my face.

Chantilly I’d be too ashamed to show any part of my body.
Snowflake I’d creep off in the dead of night and never come back. That’s what I’d do.

Dottie overhears, entering with Cappuccino, Chipolata and Chorizo.

Dottie (to Snowflake) Then why don’t you? Go on. It’ll be nice not to breathe
your poison.

Snowflake hisses at Dottie, who ignores her.

Dottie Don’t listen to a word they say, Melody. They’re just jealous.
Chantilly Ha! I don’t know the meaning of the word.
Dottie That doesn’t surprise me.
Duchess Come on, we’ll get Biscuit. It’s about time he stepped up and did
something about this.

Duchess, Chantilly and Snowflake exit.

Melody Cappuccino? You do know you’ve got two dogs on your tail, don’t you?
Cappuccino I certainly do. Meet Chorizo and Chipolata; they’re my new friends.
Chorizo Good evening.
Chipolata Good evening.
Melody Oh ... um ... good evening.
Chorizo It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Chipolata Yes, an absolute pleasure.
Melody (to Cappuccino) They’re very polite, I like that.
Cappuccino (to the dogs) You’re very polite, aren’t you?
Chipolata It’s all about good breeding.
Chorizo Yes, good breeding.
Cappuccino They’re funny too. And kind, aren’t you?
Chipolata People say we’re two of a kind. Does that count?

57
Melody (smiles, then to Cappuccino) But ... doesn’t anyone mind you
being friends?
Cappuccino Who cares what anyone else thinks? I can be friends with anyone I like,
no-one can stop me.

Biscuit enters, along with Duchess, Chantilly, Snowflake, Geoffrey and Taco. They take up one
side of the stage and face against the others.

Biscuit (towards Chipolata and Chorizo) Hssssssssssssss.

Chorizo Good evening.
Chipolata Good evening.
Biscuit Scram, dogs, before we turn you into draft excluders.
Cappuccino No, Biscuit. They’re my friends and I’ve said they’re welcome.
Biscuit Welcome to a black eye, sure.

Biscuit - and then various others - steps threateningly towards Chipolata and Chorizo, who turn
and scurry off.

Chipolata (as he goes) Bye Cappuccino, we’ll see you soon. Let’s have coffee.
Biscuit Now, where’s Melody?
Melody I’m here.
Biscuit Come here.
Dottie Don’t hurt her.
Biscuit I’m not going to hurt her! I’m going to talk to her.
(to Melody) Melody ... this isn’t easy to say ...
Cappuccino Then don’t say it.
Duchess Say it.
Biscuit I think perhaps you had better go.
Dottie No!
Biscuit You’ve got to choose. Is it cats ... or dogs? Paws or Claws?
Cappuccino Why does it matter?
Biscuit It matters.
Snowflake Of course it matters.
Dottie It doesn’t matter.
Duchess Of course it matters, it’s the only thing that matters!
Geoffrey He’s a dog.
Cappuccino Oh well observed.
Chantilly A filthy wolf.

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Dottie Don’t be so dramatic.
Snowflake He’s our arch enemy. He’d kill us in our sleep.
Cappuccino And I though SHE (gesturing to Chantilly) was dramatic!
Duchess She’s got to go!
Chantilly She’s got to!
Dottie Why? Who cares if he’s a dog? I’m not sure they’re as different to us as
everyone seems to think.

Suddenly Fury appears out of nowhere in dramatic fashion

Fury (powerfully) Then you can go with her too, keep her company.
Chantilly Fury!
Fury Go on, clear out of here before I lose my temper. A cat being friends with
a dog! The very idea of it makes me want to claw my own eyes out. I’ve only
been gone a few days and look what happens. You’re going soft, Biscuit, you’re
crumbling and falling apart.
Biscuit I ... well I was just talking things through before I ...
Fury Don’t bother, the talking’s done. Go on you two, scram.
Melody Not Dottie. Please. She’s done nothing wrong.
Fury That’s debatable.
Melody She hasn’t. Nobody has, not even me. But I’ll go.
Dottie No.
Melody I can’t stay, Dottie. Look what’s happening. Look what it’s doing. (pause)
I don’t belong here anymore ... I don’t belong anywhere.

She starts to leave. The others watch her, some happily, some sadly. After a few seconds we
hear ...

Jack You belong with me.

Melody stops in her tracks. Everyone turns to see Jack standing upstage, alongside Sherlock,
Diesel and Smokey.
Jack comes forwards to Melody.

Jack I don’t care if it’s here, or somewhere else. It doesn’t matter where to me,
as long as you’re there.
Melody (relieved) You’re safe ... you’re not mincemeat.
Jack Mincemeat! Not a chance.
Biscuit Diesel, Smokey. You’re out! How did you get out?

59
Diesel We got out ... (he looks at Jack) ... thanks to a really smart dog.
Biscuit Really?
Smokey Yes, really. (to Jack) You saved us, Jack. I won’t ever forget it.

Smokey holds out a paw to Jack who shakes it.

Fury Am I going mad or something?

Fiesta enters alongside Marmite, Bullet, Midnight, Grace, Salsa, Bingo, Goliath, Chipolata and
Chorizo, and any others!

Fiesta What the hell is going on? Jack! Why are you shaking that moggy’s paw?
And how did you escape?
Jack We were smart, Fiesta. All of us.
Fiesta All? You mean, you escaped with these cats?
Jack I did. With these cats ... to get back to this cat (gestures to Melody).
Fiesta Are you serious?
Fury You should have stayed put, dog.
Jack The war’s over. It’s done. It couldn’t go on forever, and it’s done. I’ve got a
different future now, and Melody’s definitely in it.
Chorizo Hear hear!
Cappuccino Hear hear!
Fiesta But she’s ... but I ... but we ...
Jack This is not time for ‘but’s, Fiesta. It’s time to stop. It’s time for a fresh start.
Fiesta (sighs) Oh I don’t know, maybe you’re right.
Marmite What?
Geoffrey Pardon!
Marmite (turning to Geoffrey aggressively) What?
Geoffrey Um ... never mind.
Fiesta (continuing) It’s all been rather tiring really. Exciting, sure, but tiring.
If it’s a choice of putting up with cats, or losing you ... well it’s not even a
contest.
Melody Biscuit, are you hearing this? Do you hear what they’re saying?
Biscuit Yes, I hear it. I’m not sure I believe it, but I hear it.
Melody Please, Biscuit. Please.

WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER WAR

60
(Biscuit, Fiesta and Company - a few of whom could perhaps bring in some placards as the song
continues, along the lines of “Make Peace, Not Claw” or “Four Legs Good Enough”

Biscuit
It’s hard to to be the top cat,
To keep your whiskers all that,
So all the other cats know who’s number one,
The king of felines.

They think that we’ve got nine lives,

But I’m trying just to survive,
The wolves are in the streets,
And there’s nothing we can do to stop them.
We don’t need another war,
‘Cos we don’t know what we are fighting for.

Cats
We need hope and harmony,
Peace and liberty,
Respect and a certain understanding.

Fiesta
It’s hard to be the top dog,
To keep your claws all shined up,
So all the other hounds know who’s number one,
The king of canines.

I know it’s just bravado,

But I’m scared of my own shadow,
The cats are on the fence,
And there’s nothing we can do to stop them.

Dogs
We don’t need another war.
‘Cos we don’t know what we are fighting for.

All
61
We need hope and harmony,
Peace and liberty,
Respect and a certain understanding. (x3)

Fury springs forward, right into the thick of it, and screams out (2mins 34secs of Track 21 on CD
is an effective place to pause).

Fury (impassioned) STOP! Have you all lost your minds? Have you forgotten
what we’re fighting for? Well let me tell you. We’re fighting for every time
they’ve woken you up barking: every time they’ve shaken wet dog all over you:
every time they’ve dragged the human off to play ‘fetch’: every meal stolen,
every bottom sniffed. We’re fighting because we’re different. Chalk and cheese,
day and night, heaven and hell. We’re fighting because WE are cats and THEY
are dogs, and that’s enough for me.
(pause)
Who’s with me?

Nobody moves. Some look as if they are about to, but stay put.

Fury (louder) Who’s with me!

(pause)
Duchess, Chantilly. You can’t be buying this. Surely you’re with me?
Duchess I ... I think we may have got it wrong, Fury. I think ... I ... may have got
it wrong.
Fury You’re all pathetic, you hear me. You’re an absolute waste of ...

He coughs.

Fury You’re all ...

He coughs again, then looks like he is going to be sick.

Chipolata /
Chorizo Furry’s got another furball!

The dogs - and even some of the cats - laugh. Fury rushes off embarrassed ... again.

All
We need hope and harmony,
Peace and liberty,

62
Respect and a certain understanding.

We need hope and harmony,

Peace and liberty,
Respect and a certain understanding.

Cats and Dogs

63