Now

Now That
ThatYou
You Are
Are Married
Married
An Interactive Guide for Overcoming Obstacles to Experiencing Marriage as God
Intended

…glimpses from the Beyond the Yes I Do platform

Jerry & Lizzy Akinsola

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Anniversary Gift
INTRODUCTION ........................................................................................................ 2

How to Use this Interactive Resource ........................................................................ 3

Lesson 1: Combating SELFISHNESS ....................................................................... 4

1
Lesson 2: Combating STUBBORNNESS .................................................................. 9

Lesson 3: Combating STINGINESS ........................................................................ 13

Lesson 4: Bridging SPIRITUAL GAPS .................................................................... 18

Lesson 5: Relating with SIGNIFICANT OTHERS .................................................... 23

Lesson 6: Combating SLOPPINESS ....................................................................... 27

Lesson 7: Combating SUSPICION .......................................................................... 31

Lesson 8: Combating SECRECY ............................................................................ 35

Lesson 9: Combating the Misuse of SOCIAL MEDIA .............................................. 40

Lesson 10: Managing SUCCESS ............................................................................ 45

Lesson 11: Enhancing SEXUAL Intimacy ............................................................... 49

 INTRODUCTION

God created marriage as a solution but there are Christians that are not enjoying
their marriages. Some people are looking for ways to exit their marriages because
their marital relationships have become a nightmare. While some of those who
consider their marriages as painful, married outside of God's will; some men and
women that are enduring their marriages, marry people they were convinced are
the right persons.
2
What are some of the factors that could be hindering those unhappy husbands and
wives from experiencing intimate and fulfilling marriages, even though they marry the
‘right’ partners? Some couples are not enjoying their marriage because of…

 Ignorance - Some people do not have the proper understanding of what a

Christian marriage should look like, and the principles of how to live a Christian
life.

 Insufficient resources - Some couples have allowed the lack of money or the
issues of inadequate accommodation to stifle the growth of intimacy. How you
choose to respond when things are tight would affect the tone of your marriage.

 Inappropriate dispositions - Some people go into marriage with a wrong

attitude, behaviour and habit. If you are wrong on the inside, you cannot enjoy
marriage even if you are married to the right person and have all resources you
need.

 Indifference – Some of those that are not enjoying their marriages are guilty of
either taking their mates for granted or edging God out of their relationships.
Couples that fail to keep the fires of love burning will reap a stale marriage.

This interactive resource is written to help you consider and deal with some of the
issues, tendencies and habits that could prevent you from experiencing marriage
as God intended. This work is the outcome of the teachings and interactions I
moderated between some marriage mentors and selected young and intending
couples on the Telegram platform- Beyond the Yes I Do. I appreciate all the
mentors and mentees that actively participated on the Platform.
 How to Use This Interactive Resource

Now That You Are Married is an interactive study material that focuses on the habits
and attitudes that could stop couples from experiencing marriage as God intended.
The eleven lessons are written to help each group member acquire the knowledge
and skills for living in ways that will honour God and deepen intimacy between
husband and wife. Using this resource would demand that you write. Writing is one
of the best ways to learn, retain and clarify our thoughts. Take time to respond to the 3
questions raised in each lesson.

I would recommend that you form or join a small couples group that would meet to
discuss these lessons. You would learn and enrich your marriage more if you use
this interactive resource in a small group context. The following tips would help you
make the most of your group sessions (adapted from LifeGuide® Bible Studies
series):

1. Get a copy of the book. Each group member should have a copy of this book to
prepare adequately for the group session and to participate in the learning
process.
2. Come to the study prepared. You will find that careful preparation will greatly
enrich your time spent in group discussions.
3. Be willing to participate in the discussion. The leader of your group will not be
lecturing. Instead, he or she will be encouraging you and other members of the
group to discuss what you have learnt from the text. The leader will be asking the
questions that are found in this guide.
4. Stick to the subject being studied. Your answers should be based on the subject.
This will help you curtail distractions and maximize the opportunity to dig deep
and confront hard issues.
5. Be sensitive to the other members of the group. Listen attentively when they
share what they have learned. You may be surprised by their insights! Link what
you say to the comments of others so the group stays on the topic. Also, be
affirming whenever you can. This will encourage some of the more hesitant
members of the group to participate.
6. Be careful not to dominate the discussion. By all means, participate! But allow
others to also respond.
7. Expect God to teach you through the subject being discussed and through the
other members of the group. Pray that you will have an enjoyable and profitable
time together
 Lesson 1: Combating SELFISHNESS

Philippians 2:3-4 (NCV)

3
When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be
humble and give more honour to others than to yourselves.
4
Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT2)
3
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better
4
than yourselves.
4
Don't look out only for your interests, but take an interest in others, too.

Introduction
Christian marriage is not for exploiters, users and drainers. You cannot experience
marriage as God intended if you desire to use your mate as a tool for pleasure. You
cannot be a blessing to mate if you are self-centred. Selfish partners usually end up
frustrating their mates and those that need their input for performance.

The Story of Sister Diana

Diana introduced herself as a focused, result-oriented Christian lady
that has been having problems with her relationships with men. Her first
courtship lasted six months before it crashed; the guy walked away
because he considered her a ‘user’. She in turn accused him of merely
avoiding responsibilities.

The second man she courted was a vibrant brother in the church; the
relationship crashed after about a year. He walked away accusing her
of being unaccommodating and unavailable. Diana said she was only
resisting the distractions and inconveniences he was trying to introduce
to her life.

Diana is currently having problems with the man she married eight
months ago. Her husband said she always wants to have things done
her way, at her pace and in her own time. He said she behaves as if
she's the wisest person. Diana said he is bossy, critical and not caring.

Diana and her husband affirmed that up till about two to three months
after their wedding they believed they were divinely meant for each
other. However, things are falling apart very quickly. Diana is wondering
if her problems with men are purely spiritual or otherwise. She and her
 husband said this turbulent marriage is not the kind of marriage they
imagined they would have.

Reflections:
 What do you think is (are) the root cause(s) of Diana's problems with men?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

 What adjustments would Diana and her husband need to make to enjoy a godly 5

marriage?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

 Why is selfishness (self-centeredness) an issue that should be addressed in

marriage?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

When selfishness is allowed to thrive it will

 obstruct unity of hearts

 promote competition
 affect children negatively.
 retard progress
 induce separation.

Understanding Selfishness

 What is self-centeredness?

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
 What are some of the characteristics of self-centred partners?

_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

Selfishness is the art of being concerned excessively or exclusively with one’s

pleasure, welfare, needs and interests at the expense of others; it is rejecting God’s
will, hoarding resources and ‘hurting’ others just to fulfil one’s desire.
6
Selfish partners are usually …

 Inconsiderate: easily irritated, difficult to please and proud.

 Inconsistent: They are not stable. They don’t keep their words
 Insensitive: They ignore the cries, needs and desires of others. They
make unreasonable demands.
 Intolerant: They speak evil of those better than them. They seek to bring
others down.

Dethroning Selfishness

 What steps can one take to prevent selfishness from ruining his or her
marriage?
1. ___________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________

Selfishness is a major indication of an unbroken life. You need the mind of Christ to
overcome selfishness. To walk on the path that minimizes selfishness you will also
need to continuously play the following roles in your relationship and marriage.
 You need to continuously play the role of a…

Contributor

• Discover the needs of your mate

• Use your gifts and resources to solve problems
Admirer

• Identify and celebrate the uniqueness of your mate. Speak his or her
love language. 7

• Use words that show that you respect your mate.

Refiner

• Help your mate to grow. Share information and develop his or her
skills.
• Be gentle but firm in correcting your mate. Be a good mirror.

Encourager

• Be a cheerleader. Appreciate positive advancements, initiatives and

changes.
• Understand and look beyond failures. Provide crutches if need be.
Avoid the blame game.
Student

• Be willing to listen and learn.

• Make it easy for your mate to correct you.
• Ask questions to inquire, clarify and correct.

LESSON EXERCISES

 In what ways would you contribute to the growth and development of your
mate?

 Ask your mate two questions concerning the issue of selfishness (e.g. ' Do
you think I am selfish?').
Conclusion

God plans that you and yours would experience an intimate, Christ-exalting and
mutually fulfilling marriage. To experience marriage as God intended would require
grace, adjustments and diligence. You must deal with the issues and personal
tendencies that usually contaminate and destroy relationships. Combat selfishness
by playing the role of C-A-R-E-S.

8
 Lesson 2: Combating STUBBORNNESS

Deuteronomy 10:12-13 (NCV)

12
Now, Israel, this is what the LORD your God wants you to do: Respect the LORD your
God, and do what he has told you to do. Love him. Serve the LORD your God with your
whole being,
13
and obey the LORD’S commands and laws that I am giving you today for your own
good.
9
Deuteronomy 10:16
16
Give yourselves completely to serving him, and do not be stubborn any longer. (NCV)
16
Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn. (NLT2)

Introduction
How you respond to suggestions and corrections will significantly affect the quality of
your marriage. Marriage partners that usually reject the need to change their ways,
methods or approaches even in the light of better alternatives will make marriage a
nightmare for their mates. Stubbornness usually ruins intimacy.

The Story of Sharon and Kofi

When they met Sharon was 24 while Barrister Kofi was 33. After a few
interactions with Barrister Kofi, Sharon secretly desired that he would
give her attention. She admired his depth of knowledge, contributions to
issues, dress sense and generosity. Kofi was also impressed by what
Sharon has achieved academically at her age. Sharon considered
herself highly divinely favoured when Kofi went beyond giving her
attention to asking her if she would be his life partner. A few months
after accepting and introducing Kofi to her friends, parents, pastors and
relations Sharon began to wonder if she is in the right relationship.

First, she observed that while Kofi has almost everything she is looking
for in a husband, he is rigid; he does not consult, seek counsel or take
to corrections. He believes his views and methods are always the best.
Second, she also noticed that he is rude; he often ignores or insults
those with whom he disagrees. In the course of planning for their
wedding, he has consistently been very impatient and angry any time
she or others tried to persuade him to change his position on even
minor issues.
 While their wedding day is fast approaching Sharon is wondering if she
should still go ahead to marry a person that is 'always right', rigid and
ignores honest feedback. On the other hand, their senior friends have
been pleading with her not to back out of the relationship; after all, there
are no perfect mates. Sharon is in a fix. She loves Kofi but he is
stubborn.
Reflections:
 What would you do if you were in Sharon’s shoes? What do you do if the person
you love is stubborn? 10

1._______________________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________________

 What are some negative consequences of stubbornness in marriage? How can

my being stubborn affect my marriage?

1._______________________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________________

A stubborn person would make it difficult for his or her marriage to fly with two wings.
Stubbornness will make it difficult to think and talk together; it would eventually
diminish trust. Stubbornness increases strive

Understanding Stubbornness

 What is stubbornness?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 What are some of the characteristics or traits of stubborn mates?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Stubbornness is being insensitive and resisting the need to change. It is choosing to
do what you think in the ways you please even if it is offending God and hurting
others Stubbornness is the negative side of perseverance.

Stubborn partners are usually …

 Right in their own eyes. They rarely listen to others. They tend to
ignore feedback and shut down conversations.
 Rigid: They assume that there is only one method - their method. 11
 Rude: They disrespect authority and those that see things differently.
 Rebellious: They reject correction and attack the person(s), not the issues.

Dethroning Stubbornness

What steps can you take to minimize the possibility of becoming a stubborn mate?

________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

To minimize the tendency to become a stubborn mate you will need to

L-E-A –R –N continuously. You need to …
 Listen intently
To God: Stay in touch with the Spirit and obey the Word
To people: Get feedback from your mate and others
To the feelings of others: Be emotionally sensitive.
 Explore
Ask questions. Consult others
Alternatives: Exploring other ways of doing something is a mark of growth.
Be willing to experiment
 Acknowledge
…your limitations, errors and failures
12
…the gifts and talents in others.
Admit you don’t know all.
 Repent

Make adjustments. Giving up harmful habits and outdated tools or methods

is a mark of growth.

Changing your mind or approach to an issue is not a sign of weakness.

Embrace what does not offend God.
 Network
You need to partner with others. Be accountable.

Learn from those who are experiencing marriage as God intended through
counsel and courses.

CONCLUSION

You must intentionally deal with stubbornness and other similar tendencies that
destroy relationships. You need to combat stubbornness by doing L-E -A-R- N.
 Lesson 3: Combating STINGINESS

Proverbs 23:6-8 (NLT2)

6
Don't eat with people who are stingy; don't desire their delicacies.
7
They are always thinking about how much it costs. "Eat and drink," they say, but they
don't mean it.
8
You will throw up what little you’ve eaten, and your compliments will be wasted.

Acts 20:35 (NLT2) 13

35
And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working
hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: 'It is more blessed to give than
to receive.'"

Introduction
Being stingy is one of the most effective ways of weakening and mortally damaging a
relationship; stinginess would certainly trigger regrets, sadness and loneliness in one
of the spouses. While “the world of the generous gets larger and larger; the world of
the stingy gets smaller and smaller (Proverbs 11:24, MSG). Stinginess would shrink
your world. Stinginess will make it difficult for couples to grow together.

The Story of Johnson and Justina

Johnson and Justina met each other at an end-of-the-year party in their

estate. After a few interactions, Justina concluded that Johnson was the
man she would marry because he generously gave her gifts and paid
for whatever she wanted. Johnson also said that at that time, he
appreciated her because he considered her a 'cool, not too demanding
and prudent person'.

Though Justina was earning just a little less than Johnson, he was
responsible for almost 75% of what they spent during their wedding.
She was aware that he had to obtain a loan to balance some of the
demands placed on him by his in-laws. Johnson said he had looked
forward to paying part of the loan he took for the wedding with the gifts
they received; however, what Justina did shook him. Justina did not
disclose the amount of money given to them as gifts during their
wedding, especially the ones by their mutual friends. When he
eventually inquired, she was highly offended.

A few months after their wedding, Johnson said he observed that

Justina would query him thoroughly anytime he asked her to buy
something for the family; however, she expects him to buy things for
 her or refund her money without questions. He said that her tendency to
'manage' everything is also making him not feed well at home; thus, he
often eats outside the home. He said that her ‘tight-fist style’ is making it
difficult for him to contribute at church or even help relations, including
her own.

Both Johnson and Justina said they are not enjoying their nineteen-
month-old marriage. Justina said Johnson is no longer the generous
man she married; she said he is avoiding his duty as the breadwinner.
Johnson accused Justina of being a perpetual receiver and user. He
said her unwillingness to spend her money has forced him to review his 14
spending habits. Johnson and Justina now quarrel frequently about
money; they are rapidly growing apart.
Reflections:
 What would you do if you were in Justina’s (or Johnson’s) shoes to prevent
this marriage from crashing?

1._______________________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________________

 What are some negative consequences of stinginess in marriage? How can

my stinginess affect my marriage?

1._______________________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________________

Understanding Stinginess

 What is stinginess?

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
  What are some causes of stinginess?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

We must not confuse Stinginess with…

15
 Savings: Planning and implementing your expenditure plans in ways that
honour God is not stinginess. A mutual saving plan is biblical.
 Self-Control: Refraining from spending money just to impress people is not
being stingy. It is being prudent.
 Taming: Withdrawing resources from a lazy person to discourage laziness
is not stinginess. It is tough love.

Stinginess is being reluctant to give or spend money to glorify God, develop self or
support others. It is the tendency to keep what you have while taking from others
(path to greed). Stinginess is withholding or refusing to release resources that would
benefit your needy dependents.

The "stingy" mate is the person who could spend but choose not to do so because
he or she values money more than personal comfort and the growth or well-being of
his or her mate.

Stinginess can be triggered by the...

 Desire to control others. Some people use hoarding money as a weapon of
control.
 Experience- Some people hoard because of their bitter experiences.
 Anger or resentment- Some are stingy because they are unhappy with their
mate.
 Fear of tomorrow. When a person rules out the God factor he or she will
become faithless, selfish and stingy.
Reflections:
 What are some of the characteristics or traits of stingy mates?

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

Stingy partners usually …

16
 Love to receive: Would eat and drink well as long as someone else is
paying.
 Look down on others: They often assume that givers are foolish, and
those in need are not smart.
 Lack compassion: They usually underpay for services rendered. They
close their ears to the cries of others.
 Lie or manipulate: They make excuses to avoid helping others or
meeting their obligations on time.

Dethroning Stinginess

What steps can you take to minimize the possibility of becoming a stingy mate?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 To minimize the tendency to be stingy you will need to practice “S-H-A–R–E”
continuously. You need to…
Set apart
• Always subtract a part of your income to give to your Church
• Give your mate and dependents part of the fruit of your labour,
even if he or she has "enough".
• Don’t be a rich fool – the harvest is NOT for you alone.
Honour others
17
• Reserve a high place for others in your heart.
• See today’s dependents as tomorrow’s helpers.
• The one that looks like trash now is a treasure in disguise.
Assess your context
• Identify the needs of your mate, dependents and others.
• Ask yourself what you can do to make a difference. Don’t wait to
be asked.
• To choose to see nothing or do nothing to make life pleasant for
your mate is wickedness.
Release on time
• Don't procrastinate. Release “the two fishes and five loaves” if
that is what you have. It will bond you and yours.
• Doing the little you can on time is more profitable than hoping to
do everything when it will be too late
Expect…
• Labels: Choosing to be generous could be termed a bribe or
diabolical.
• Cheats and ingrates will show up.
• God: He will ensure that the jar of oil will not run dry. He will
make you a fountain.

CONCLUSION
If stinginess is not tamed, it will get worse; while stinginess often begins with money
issues, it would grow to affect touching, talking, friends and relations. You must
intentionally deal with stinginess and other similar tendencies that destroy
relationships. You need to combat stinginess by doing S-H-A-R-E.
 Lesson 4: Bridging SPIRITUAL GAPS

Joshua 24:15 (NLT2)

15 But if you refuse to serve the LORD, then choose today whom you will serve.
Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it
be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my
family, we will serve the LORD."
18
Hebrews 10:24-25 (TLB)
24 In response to all he has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful
and kind to each other and in doing good.
25 Let us not neglect our church meetings, as some people do, but encourage and
warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing
near.

Introduction

Some couples are not enjoying their marriages because they are not connecting
spiritually. You must not allow false teachings, popular religious practices and the
desire to imitate those playing God to pull you and your mate apart. Couples that
are not intentionally growing together in grace through joint worship, study and
service will be torn asunder by their distorted views of God.

The Story of Dauda and Julian

Dauda, the youth leader of The Liberty Christian Assembly (TLCA) and
Julian his wife are no longer enjoying their marriage. Things started
falling apart a few months after Dauda eventually permitted his wife to
occasionally join the interdenominational women's prayer fellowship of
a church around them. While Dauda thought the prayer fellowship
would build up his wife, he observed that it is making her become a
'different and drifting person'.

First, she started pressuring him about the need to speak in tongues.
She has also been complaining that his prayers are not hot. He had to
move out of their bedroom when she insisted on praying loud at
midnight. They have stopped praying together since they usually end
up quarrelling.
 Secondly, Julian has been complaining about their church. She said the
church is not meeting her needs again; she said their Pastor is more
concerned about raising funds; his sermons are dry, uninspiring and
worldly. She started giving flimsy excuses for not attending choir
rehearsals and other programmes in their church.

Three months ago, after rounds of sharp disagreements, Julian told him
she would want them to change their place of worship. While Dauda
admits that their church is not a perfect place of worship, he believes
God wants them to remain there to serve. He feels leaving their church
would amount to abandoning a divine assignment. So, he is not ready 19
to leave. Things are falling apart.

 What steps can Dauda and Julian take to prevent their preferred worship
practices and spiritual differences from destroying their marriage?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

 Under what conditions should a couple consider changing their church or place
of worship?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

While we must never change our allegiance to God; we might need to change our
place and even style of worship when confronted by the following…

 Heresy –…false doctrine or unbiblical practices are celebrated.

 Accessibility…growing and serving becomes too difficult
 Lack or loss of vision…energies and resources are intentionally wasted
(misuse)

 Threats…the heat and smoke become unbearable

Reflections:
 What are some consequences of choosing to worship in different churches or
denominations as a couple?
 _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

 What are some factors that can stop a couple from growing together spiritually?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
20
________________________________________________________________

Worshipping in different churches or denominations could fuel…

 Parenting challenges
 Access: could grant wolves free passes to the couple’s home.
 Suspicions: promote competition and division
 Time management crises and other resource management
issues

Growing spiritually can be hindered by…

 Unbrokenness: A person that has not submitted to the authority of Jesus

Christ will find bonding impossible.
 Poor devotional life: A person that is NOT committed to studying scriptures,
prayers and meditation is an obstruction.
 Disobedience: The unwillingness to adjust or take steps of faith will obstruct
experiencing God.
 Arrogance: Those who think that they are always right will make it difficult for
their spouse to grow with them spiritually.
Bridging Spiritual Gaps

 What steps can you take to prevent your preferred worship style or spiritual bias
(arrogance) from killing your marriage?

To minimize the tendency to ruin your marriage due to spiritual differences, you
will need to S-E-R–V–E. To help your mate spiritually you need to….

Stop: 21
 ...the nagging and condemnations
 ...the push and comparisons
 … over-celebrating any place, style or person (the grass always
looks greener across the fence)

Expose your mate:

 Use your stories and let changes in your life stimulate the desire to
grow in your spouse
 Share resources (tapes, books, videos); prefer explaining to
intimidating.

Remember:
 …that your way is not the only way or even the perfect way
 …that there is no perfect system.
 God could decide to put you in the valley of dry bones as he did to
Ezekiel
Verify
 …through the study of the Bible, Prayers and history. (Col 3:12-14)
 …any revelation that contradicts the Bible is deception (the fact that
it sounds good does not make it right or godly).
Encourage…
 Growth: through love and patience
 Change: through appreciation, adjustments and sacrifice.
CONCLUSION

Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NLT2)

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-
back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily
broken.

If the devil can weaken or divide you and your spouse in the spiritual realm, he will 22
find it easy to defeat and disgrace you at the other levels. You need to combat
spiritual disconnection by practising S-E-R-V-E.
 Lesson 5: Relating to SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

Matthew 7:12 (NLT2)

12
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that
is taught in the law and the prophets.

Romans 12:10 (TLB)

10
Love each other with brotherly affection and take delight in honouring each other.
23
1 Peter 2:17 (MSG)
17
Treat everyone, you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect
the government.

Introduction
We all have people that we treasure or respect highly. These people may be our
friends, parents, leaders or mentors. The people you or your mate respect and value
are those we call significant others. How you relate to significant persons could
either build or destroy your marriage.

The Story of Joana

Joana knows that her uncle always wants the best for her. He raised
her and ensured that she received the best education possible when
her father died. However, when she introduced Donatus as the person
she wants to marry, her uncle initially rejected him on the grounds of his
town and educational background. After pressure and persuasion from
her mother and relations, Joana’s uncle reluctantly supported their
wedding two years ago.

A few months after their wedding Joana observed that her husband was
fond of speaking evil of her uncle. She eventually confronted him when
she felt that Donatus was attempting to poison the hearts of other
relations against her uncle. After the hot confrontation, Donatus insisted
that Joana should stop communicating or relating with her uncle. He
insisted that a man that does not like his face should not be interacting
with his wife. When her uncle heard of Donatus' decision, he felt
justified; he withdrew into his shell.
Joana believes that she would be an ingrate to cut off her uncle. She
also believes she and her husband have so much to learn from her
uncle. The relationship between Joana and Donatus is degenerating
fast. They are being torn apart by a third party. They need help.
  What can Joana and Donatus do to salvage their marriage?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

 What do you do if your mate does not like your parents, siblings or relations?

1.____________________________________________________________
24
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

 What should you do if your in-laws or your mate’s guardian does not seem to
like you?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

To manage significant others, please

 Don’t openly Avoid them

 Don’t attempt to Purchase their affection
 Don’t fight your mate
 Do your best to Win the peace

Understanding Significant Persons

Why does a marriage need significant persons?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
  What are some characteristics of helpful significant others?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

Godly significant others are usually

 What steps can you take to
 God’s gift to guide or mentor a benefit from your relationship with a 25
couple significant person?
 Carriers of treasures
_____________________________
 Can also be waymakers
_____________________________
_____________________________
________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
To minimize the possibility of ruining your marriage due to clashes with your
significant person you need to B-R-I–D–G-E; that is to….

Befriend:

 Avoid hostility. Show you belong.

 Find a way to reach out and connect.
 Remember you may need to endure digging before you drink from a
well.
Regulate:

 Define boundaries using your values

 Manage information. Don’t withhold general information. Manage
exposure to them.
 Don’t say too much too soon.
 Intercede:

 Pray for your mate.

 Pray for the other parties. 26
 Ask for revelations, understanding and peace.

Dialogue:

 Listen and learn.

 Ask questions. Seek clarifications.
 Don’t be put off by silence.
Give:

 …Time and attention.

 Use your skills and resources to bless.
 Practice generosity
Endure:

 Identify with them at all seasons.

 Don’t condemn in them what you tolerate in those that are close to you.

CONCLUSION
You need the right kind of significant others in your life and relationship. You also
need to manage your relationship with them so they would not be controllers,
intruders or enemies. You maximize the opportunity of relating with significant others
by B-R-I-D-G-E
 Lesson 6: Combating SLOPPINESS

Deuteronomy 23:12-13 (NLT2)

12
“You must have a designated area outside the camp where you can go to relieve
yourself.
13
Each of you must have a spade as part of your equipment. Whenever you relieve
yourself, dig a hole with the spade and cover the excrement.

Deuteronomy 23:14 (NLT2) 27

14
The camp must be holy, for the LORD your God moves around in your camp to protect
you and to defeat your enemies. He must not see any shameful thing among you, or he
will turn away from you.

2 Corinthians 7:1 (NLT2)

1
Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything
that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we
fear God.

Introduction

Before marriage, most husbands and wives often pay great attention to how they
look, how they smell and how they behave. However, some marriage partners
usually make life difficult for their mates by dressing shabbily, eating in annoying
ways and littering their environment. The failure to maintain the rules of personal
hygiene or cleanliness can stop you from experiencing marriage as God planned.

The Story of John & Hadiza

John and Hadiza enjoyed their courtship. While Hadiza was

occasionally concerned about John's appearance and 'wildness', she
was thrilled to have a man that is focused and godly as her mate. But
Hadiza and John are not enjoying their young marriage. Their serious
clashes started a few weeks after the wedding.

Hadiza said her husband is dirty and unorganized. John would eat
breakfast without brushing his teeth. He sometimes wears the same
underwear three days in a row. He would also be offended whenever
she refuses to kiss or get intimate with him without realizing that his
mouth odour and foul-smelling armpit are putting her off. She said the
untrimmed beard and moustache that he likes, make her uncomfortable
when it touches her skin. Hadiza also said that John is making life
 difficult for her because he drops his clothes, shoes and documents all
around the house. She said their bedroom is like a repairer’s
workshop.

On the other hand, John said he is becoming tired of living with Hadiza
because she is trying to force him to become like her. He wonders why
'hygiene' and space management would be serious matters if their love
for each other is genuine.

 What do you do when you love your partner but his or her bad hygiene is
pushing you away? 28
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

 In what ways can living in a disorganized or dirty home affect marriage? In

what ways can being dirty affect your marriage?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

If your mate is dirty don't reduce your options to either fight or flight. You need to see
yourself as a helper- an instructor. You also need wisdom, understanding, skills and
patience to confront and conquer this negative habit.

Poor hygiene can affect:

 Physical intimacy - It can reduce attraction and attention.

 Alertness - It can affect health, efficiency and performance.
 Communication - It can become a source of regular conflict.
 Kinship - It can weaken the love felt between a couple and promote
staying away
Reflections:

What are some factors that can promote a dirty lifestyle?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
What steps can you take to keep yourself clean and attractive?

________________________________________________________________ 29
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
A dirty lifestyle can be aggravated by:

 Procrastination: Postponing what should be done now

 Ignorance: The level of exposure.
 Resistance: Working against a spouse

To keep yourself clean and attractive you need to…

 Consider the consequences of self-neglect on your health and relationship

 Adopt a plan: What must stop or change? What should I acquire to look
and smell good?
 Refresh always: Brush your teeth and mouth. Wash your hands and clean
your genitals. Shower daily, and again before being intimate with your
spouse.
 Enlist support: Let your spouse be an accountability partner. Evaluate
progress together.

Dethroning Sloppiness
 What steps can you take to make your home a clean and inspiring sanctuary?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 To prevent a situation where your home becomes unattractive and repulsive you
need to C-L-E–A–R. To maintain a clean home, you need to….

Create:

 …Space: to store and dispose of.

 …Categories: Daily or occasional use.
 …Maintenance plan for appliance and furniture (repairs, renovation,
replacement). 30
Let go:

 Dispose of waste quickly.

 Declutter: Release things that are depreciating and you are not
using.
 It is bad stewardship to keep and later throw away what others can
use today.
Eliminate odour:

 Ventilate: Let in the fresh air.

 Use air fresheners:
 Illuminate your space.
Arrange:

 Put away don’t put down: Act immediately.

 Put likes together: Group items according to their use.
Reach out:

 Outsource: Assign or delegate things others can do.

However, using the skills of others in your home must be guided to

avoid an invasion and wrong bonding.

CONCLUSION

Cleanliness attracts goodwill and a clean environment energizes people. If you will
concentrate on your cleanliness, you will enrich your marriage and stabilize your
home. Practice C-L-E-A-R
 Lesson 7: Combating SUSPICION

Proverbs 31:11 (NCV)

11
Her husband trusts her completely. With her, he has everything he needs.

1 Corinthians 13:7 (TLB)

7
If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always
believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending
him. 31

Introduction
It is difficult to experience peace in marriage if both husband and wife do not trust
each other. A mate that constantly doubts the motives and actions of his or her
partner would be restless, anxious and very difficult to please. Couples that fail to
effectively handle issues that could trigger the lack of trust in their marriage would
have to endure a stressful and painful marriage.

The Story of Patricia and David

Kofi was Patricia's, first love. For the two years that their relationship
lasted, Patricia spent her money and gave her time, trust and body to a
man that is a liar and a manipulator. He broke her heart when he
married the girl, he had always denied dating. So, by the time Patricia
married David two years ago, she was not the person that fell in love
with Kofi. She had become a doubter and a very sensitive woman. She
finds it difficult to trust people.

David has been finding living with Patricia very difficult. On different
occasions, he caught her going through his phone and documents. She
suspects every woman around him. She eavesdrops on his
conversation with his mom and siblings. She doubts his love and
questions his integrity. Her responses to his words and gestures are
usually probing, investigative, and sometimes accusative rather than
supportive.
 While Patricia agreed that she has no reason to doubt David's love and
commitment, she said she feels she needs to play it safe. Both Patricia
and David agree that they are not enjoying their marriage.

 What steps can Patricia and David take to redeem their marriage?

1.____________________________________________________________

2.____________________________________________________________ 32

3.____________________________________________________________

 What are some dangers of failing to deal effectively with suspicion in marriage?

1.____________________________________________________________

2.____________________________________________________________

3.____________________________________________________________

If suspicion is allowed to thrive it would…

 Prevent growth and intimacy

 Allow strange parties
 Separate the couple

Understanding Suspicion

What is suspicion?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

What are some factors that can trigger or aggravate suspicion?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Suspicion is not believing a person, issue or thing is what others say it is. Suspicion
is acting as if an unproven idea or thought is true. It is upgrading an opinion or
allegation to the level of a fact. It is spying on a person or refusing to accept a stated
position because of a deficiency of trust. Suspicion thrives in the context of doubt.

Suspicion is often triggered by

 Previous negative experience

33
 Altered lifestyle - when a mate suddenly becomes secretive
 Stories - the experiences of betrayal shared by others
 Satanic -agents

Reflections:

When is it okay to be vigilant or suspicious in marriage?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 Trusting a person that is not straightforward is foolishness. It is okay to raise
questions and express your doubts if things are not adding up. You need to
raise eyebrows if you notice questionable expenditures, procurement of items
that are above your income or you observe that mate is flirting with someone
else. Being too trusting and accommodating, especially to the point of self-
destruction is harmful. Use your discretion; don't be gullible.

Dethroning Unwholesome Suspicion

What steps can you take to avoid destroying your marriage through unwarranted
suspicion?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 To prevent hurting your spouse through unfounded distrust, you need to
S-P-E–A–K

Sort out yourself:

 What am I reacting to? Do I feel inferior?

 Why am I desperate? Is it FEAR (False evidence appearing real)?
34
Pull don’t push:

 Do the things that would attract your make. Woo your mate.
 Avoid attitudes, words and actions that would push away your spouse.

Expect good things:

 Pray for your mate…

 Set goals that would promote intimacy and growth:
 See people as helpers and wealth.

Avoid killing the present:

 The present should be a stepping stone rather than a weight.

 Let the present thrive and not pay for others' sins.

Keep yourself …

 Committed: Manage failure with love and forgiveness.

 Busy: Idle minds are fertile soil for suspicion.

CONCLUSION

Suspicion is dangerous. If is not managed it would aggravate anxiety and hasten

separation. When suspicion infects a marriage, the parties involved will need to work
together by sharing not spying and by assuring not waving away concerns. Don't
allow suspicion to ruin your marriage. S-P-E-A-K!!
 Lesson 8: Combating SECRECY

Genesis 2:25 (NCV)

25
The man and his wife were naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 3:7 (NIV)

7
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they
sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
35
Judges 16:15-16 (NCV)
15
Then Delilah said to him, "How can you say, 'I love you,' when you don't even trust me?
This is the third time you have made a fool of me. You haven't told me the secret of your
great strength"

16
She kept bothering Samson about his secret day after day until he felt he was going to
die!

Introduction
Marriage must be built on a foundation of total transparency and trust. When couples
allow cover-ups and secrecy to invade their relationships the marriage would be sick.
Knowing what to share, when and how to share it, is a skill you need to learn and
use in your marriage. How you handle information can help or hinder peace and
harmony with your spouse. Marriage would become sick if a distinction is not made
between secrecy, privacy and information management.

The Story of Pastor Douglas

Nkechi, the secretary of the church's projects committee, is a great

admirer and supporter of Pastor Douglas. While Pastor Douglas
considers her a major informant, his wife just dislikes her. Because of
her concerns and interest in the ministry of Pastor Douglas, Nkechi
regularly calls and visits.

However, Mrs Douglas wonders what Nkechi and her husband always
discuss. Mrs Douglas said her husband does not tell her the details of
what he discusses with Nkechi. Pastor Douglas feels his wife is
overreacting. He believes that telling his wife 'everything' he discusses
 with Nkechi will be unhelpful. Pastor Douglas feels that his wife may not
be able to handle some information. His wife believes he is too
secretive.

There is a cold war in the family; Douglas and his wife are drifting apart.

Reflections:
 What steps can Douglas take to prevent information management from destroying
his marriage?
36
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________
 What are some dangers of allowing secrecy to grow in marriage?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

To experience marriage as God intended you need to be transparent and honest.

However, we need to stress that there is a thin line between secrecy (concealment of
information driven by evil intent) and privacy (not sharing information because it is
not ripe or right).

If secrecy is allowed to thrive it will

 wipe away trust

 increase stress
 provoke separate agenda
 empower divisive strangers
 rock the foundation

Understanding Secrecy and Privacy in Marriage:

 What is secrecy?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
 3.____________________________________________________________
 What is privacy?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

Secrecy is intentionally covering or hiding issues or things to mislead your mate. It is

blocking someone from accessing the information necessary for their well-being. 37
Being secretive is often driven by dishonesty.

In John 16:12, Jesus said, "I still have many things to tell you, but you can't handle
them now (MSG).” We must note that sharing all details of your past, thoughts,
temptations, and fantasies with your mate may in the long run not help your
relationship. An information overload may trigger anxiety, insecurity and suspicion in
a relationship.

Privacy is keeping to yourself information or issues which would be of no benefit to

your partner. It involves allowing your mate to manage information in ways that
would deepen intimacy. Privacy involves maintaining healthy boundaries with your
mate for the sake of total growth. Giving your mate room to initiatives without prior
information (privacy) could deepen intimacy between you. Planning and sponsoring
a modest surprise birthday for you could make marriage pleasurable.

There are great differences between privacy and private sins (secrecy). While being
secretive often involves violating the trust of your mate, privacy does not violate trust.
Secretive people are not just keeping personal information to themselves; they
generally are attempting to mislead their mates by hiding things or lying to them.

Reflections:

What are some causes of secrecy?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
What are some things I might not share with my spouse immediately?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

Secrecy can be triggered by…

 Fear of the outburst or anger a mate. 38

 Intruders - counsel or pressure from third persons
 The shame of being regarded as a failure
 Trust issues - previous betrayals

Do not share…
 Surprises: plans and arrangements for giving your mate a special treat
 Confidential matters: people's secrets you've promised to keep.
Mind how you share…
 Perceptions: momentary negative views and comments about your mate or by
your mate.
 Dirty or Toxic past: discussing the details of your past relationships in glorious
terms might be foolishness, not transparency

Dethroning Secrecy

What steps can you take to avoid destroying your marriage through secrecy and
information mismanagement?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
 To prevent hurting your spouse through secrecy and mismanagement of
information you need to T-R-A–C–K

Be Truthful:
 Be a person of integrity. Be honest in responding to inquiries.
 Let your mate know how you use time and other resources in your care.
Reassure:
 Publicly engage in acts that assure your mate of your commitment. 39

 Give attention. Share insights. Address doubts. Do not let your mate doubt
your loyalty.
Ask (for):

 Make it easy for your mate to seek clarifications on finances, itinerary and
relationships from you (not third parties).
 What you regard as concealment may be unintentional acts. Ask
questions.
Confess:
 Admitting your wrongs and deviations would make it easier for your mate
to trust.
 Apologizing and making changes reduces the severity of secrecy.

Know your spouse's …

 Ability to handle information and issues.
 His or her level of maturity and preferences should determine what to
share and how to share it.

CONCLUSION

Secrecy usually widens gaps in marriage. Share everything that would make your
mate feel betrayed or undermined if he or she were to discover later. Do not hide
what will bring shame if he or she were to discover this information on his or her
own. Secrecy would make your mate feel unwanted. It would affect the sense of
belonging. Don’t allow secrecy to ruin your marriage. T-R-A-C-K
 Lesson 9: Combating the Misuse of SOCIAL MEDIA

Ephesians 4:29-30 (NCV)

29
When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will
help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.
30
And do not make the Holy Spirit sad. The Spirit is God’s proof that you belong to him.
God gave you the Spirit to show that God will make you free when the final day comes.
40

Introduction
It is hard to imagine a world without Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Telegram, and
Instagram. Social media platforms have changed the ways we relate. They connect
and could also disconnect from real relationships. Social media is a tool. It can be
used to make your relationship productive and impactful. Social media is neutral.
You can use it to repair and improve your marriage or allow it to break and ruin a
marriage.

The Story of Paulina

About eight months ago, Paulina accidentally read her husband's
comment on the Facebook wall of his ex-girlfriend. The write-up, though
brief, triggered something in her that is now affecting their marriage
negatively. While her husband urged her not to read any special
meaning to the comment, she considered his public celebration of the
woman an indictment of their relationship. That incident made her start
paying close attention to his online activities.

Paulina's devotion to finding out what is trending online has made her
disappointed and discouraged with her life and family. The various
glamorous pictures of her schoolmates and suitors have been
unsettling her. Paulina has been wondering if she would ever have the
opportunity to upload her photographs taken in posh settings.

The findings from trailing her husband are making her increasingly
unhappy with him. Paulina does not understand why he is fond of 'liking'
the comments and pictures of people that she sees as hostile. She also
has issues with his 'sharing' or 'retweeting' jokes and video clips that
 she considers worldly. Paulina said most of her husband's social media
posts are provocative (fuelling their fights).

Meanwhile, Paulina's husband has been complaining that this year,

Facebook, WhatsApp, Zoom and Instagram have snatched his wife
from him. He wonders what his wife is always searching for online and
why she uses her earpiece always. On different occasions, he has
threatened to seize and even break the tool that is 'negatively affecting’
their marriage. The mishandling of social media is preventing Paulina 41

and her husband from experiencing marriage as God intended.

Reflections:
 What are some of the negative attitudes that the misuse of social media has
triggered in the lives of Paulina and her husband?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

 What steps can Paulina and her husband take to arrest the situation in their
home?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

The misuse of social media can …

 provoke your mate's disappointment,
 intensify jealousy, anger,
 promote insecurity
 energize minor fights

For a couple to prevent social media from ruining their marriage they must remember
who they are and intentionally keep the rules of godly communication.
Reflections

 What are some benefits of social media in marriage?

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
 What are some dangers of addiction to social media in marriage? In what ways
can addiction to social media hurt marriage?
42
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

Social media can enhance interactions, promote understanding, and deepen

intimacies in marriage when used as a supplement to (rather than as a replacement
for) flesh-and-blood contact with your mate. Video calls, sharing pictures and videos,
regular updates, and expressing feelings through emoticons have helped many
couples that are separated by distance to keep their bond strong.

Social media could…

 Limit personal interaction: digital gadgets may divert our traffic away from
home.
 Open doors to strangers that sense distress and reignite old flames.
 Stir insecurities: An online “comment” or “like” from someone can lead to
serious problems over the years.
 Trigger: It might promote comparison and jealousy. It might cause infidelity
and ruin relationships

What are some indicators of addiction to social media in marriage?

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
What steps can you take to prevent the misuse of social media from damaging your
marriage?

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

You need to watch out if social media is stirring….

43
 Time (misuse)- Spending productive hours chatting or browsing
 Anxiety - Discomfort. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
 Neglect - Turning down or tuning out of in-person conversations
 Attention Seeking: Coveting and counting likes and comments

Dethroning Social Media Obsession

To prevent addiction, violations and other negative consequences of social media

you need A-P-A–R–T

Agree:

 Discuss and agree on boundaries and guidelines upfront.

 Rules for accepting friend requests. How to spend time on social
media when together.
Prioritize:

 Your time with God

 Person-to-person communication with your partner.
 You don’t need to always be online.
Affirm:

 Use social media to celebrate your appreciation of marriage.

 Use it to build each other and to reflect your growth in unity.
 Refrain:

 Don’t share your disagreements.

 Don’t flirt or flatter. Don’t compare.
 Be cautious of what and who you like. Don’t jump to conclusions.
Think…

 Will I be proud if my post makes headline news? Personal details

44
may be unnecessary.
 Don’t post what wouldn’t want to see published in the news.

CONCLUSION

The misuse of social media can cause spouses to become distant, It could trigger
jealousy, and envy and convert minor fights into relationship-terminating quarrels.
Don't allow the misuse of social media to ruin your marriage, A-P-A-R-T.
 Lesson 10: Managing SUCCESS
Deuteronomy 8:10-14(NLT2)
10 When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the LORD your God for the
good land he has given you.
11“But that is the time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget
the LORD your God and disobey his commands, regulations, and decrees that I
am giving you today.
12 For when you have become full and prosperous and have built fine homes to 45
live in,
13 And when your flocks and herds have become very large and your silver and
gold have multiplied along with everything else, be careful!
14 Do not become proud at that time and forget the LORD your God, who rescued
you from slavery in the land of Egypt.

Introduction
Almost every positive change in status that you experience would put pressure on
your relationships. Success usually attracts new people, including manipulators. It
would affect your time management and pressure you to discard allies and lifestyle.
How you handle the consequences of promotion, prosperity and affluence will
significantly affect the quality of your marriage.

The Story of Johnson and Ngozi

Until two years ago, Ngozi and Johnson, her husband, were a very
intimate but financially average couple. Though they are young, most
people in the church and community usually seek their counsel on
family issues.

However, things began to change two years ago when Johnson

became a Regional Director in his new place of service. First, he
started demanding that Ngozi should start dressing in ways that she
considers flamboyant and worldly.

Second, he has reduced their 'church time' by 'dragging' her to social

functions (parties). Third, she observed that 'his spiritual temperature'
has dropped. He is now too busy to pray, fast or even study the Bible.
 Lastly, Ngozi said she is worried because their new status may prevent
them from raising godly children.

Ngozi said every time she calls her husband's attention to what is going
on he flares up. Johnson feels that contrary to what Ngozi thinks, God
lifted him to enable them to enjoy. He warned that if she does not stop
disturbing him with her sermons and support him as a submissive wife
he will be forced to consider other options.
46
Reflections:
 What should Ngozi do to prevent success (or the mismanagement of
success) from destroying their marriage and family?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

 What would you do if your spouse is becoming the exact opposite of the
person you married?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

To prevent the mismanagement of success from destroying her marriage,

Ngozi needs to:

‾ Pray - Not be naïve. Success attracts combat.

‾ Persuade - Not nag
‾ be Present - She must not isolate him
‾ Partner with others - Consult influencers and network in prayers

 What could happen if Johnson insists on living the way he likes? What are
some consequences of mismanaging success?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________
 Mismanaged success could lead to:

‾ Stagnation - It cripples relationships and often puts a ceiling on progress.

‾ Hostility - It also provides a fertile ground for internal division to thrive.
‾ Disgrace - It could invoke the wrath of God and open doors to shame.
‾ Loss - It could kill relationships and generate a loss of privileges.

47

What are some things or issues that could make promotion and prosperity affect
marriage negatively?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

Success usually attracts new friends, more flatterers, tempters and manipulators. It
can distort our values and corrupt our character. Success usually places a high
demand on our time and lifestyle. Success can become a life and relationship
destroyer if we allow it to make us forget God and maltreat people. We must not
allow success to make us edge God and truth-tellers out of our lives.

Maximizing Success

What steps can you take to prevent success, wealth and prosperity from hurting your
marriage?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________
 To ensure continuous success in your endeavours and also prevent success from
damaging your marriage you need to always…

Grow in God – John 15:5; 2 Pt.1:5-8

48
 Be a worshipping and learning family. Share faith stories.
 Engage in spiritual exercise.

Remember – 1 Cor.4:2,7

 You are a steward- God’s investment

 You must bear good fruit

Avoid distractions -2 Tim 2:22

 Moral contaminants, Drugs, bad companions.

 Conquer self, sin and Satan

Concentrate … Phil.3:13

 On God, your relationships and assignments.

 On your family and self-improvement

Extend grace – 2 Cor.9:8-11; Matt.25:37-40

 Regard yourself as a conduit. God’s treasurer. Be Generous

 Be a solution to issues.

CONCLUSION

God wants you to be successful, but he does not want to be relegated. Success
would produce more success if you remain a steward. Don’t allow the
mismanagement of success to ruin your marriage. G-R-A-C-E.
 Lesson 11: Enhancing SEXUAL Intimacy

Genesis 2:25 (NCV)

25
The man and his wife were naked, but they were not ashamed.

Song of Songs 4:16 (NCV)

16
Awake, north wind. Come, south wind. Blow on my garden, and let its sweet smells flow
out. Let my lover enter the garden and eat its best fruits. 49

Introduction

Some Christians don't discuss or even mention sex in their conversation with their
spouses. They restrict sex to an act that takes place in the dark. They forget that
sexual passion and desire come from God. Sex is divinely ordained for procreation,
pleasure, and protection against wandering affections. Sex is not "dirty"; it is a gift of
God. It is not sinful when used according to His design. The quality of your sex life
will affect your relationship. You need to pay attention to having good sex; mutually
satisfying sex. But good sex will not happen accidentally.

The Story of Cynthia and Yakubu

Cynthia and Yakubu had imagined that their sexual life as husband and
wife would be thrilling and exciting. But contrary to their expectations,
they are not enjoying sex with each other. It has been a case of
frustration giving way to shame and regular avoidance.

The first frustrating experience was on their wedding night. That night
ended as a story of painful penetration and premature ejaculation.
While they hope that the situation would improve, it has been a case of
either sudden vaginal dryness and tightness or the momentary loss of
erection.

Cynthia had been worried that Yakubu is consuming ‘energy drinks’ but
became frightened when she found her husband masturbating; he said
it was because he was not enjoying sex with her. The truth is that she is
also not enjoying their sex with him.
Reflections:
 What steps can Cynthia and Yakubu take to build a healthy sex life?
1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

Both Cynthia and Yakubu will need to

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 Speak out - share their feelings and frustrations. Don't shame.
 Seek counsel and acquire information
 Slow it down - be patient and make adjustments. Repeat not abscond.
 Set out to give pleasure: Share what triggers pleasure.

 Why should couples give attention to the issue of sexual intimacy?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________

When used in the right way, Sex…

 Revives - Heals
 Unites - Bonds
 Fortifies – Empowers
 Enhances Focus – Stabilizes
 Exalts God

 What are some factors that could hinder sexual intimacy in marriage?

1.____________________________________________________________
2.____________________________________________________________
3.____________________________________________________________
 Some of the factors that can prevent sexual intimacy are…

 Past: Previous hurts. Past emotional or physical abuse can block your
ability to achieve a good sex life with your spouse
 Ignorance: Unbiblical view of sex. Blindness to gender differences.
 Insincerity: Being unfaithful. Multiple partners create mistrust,
performance anxiety, and comparison evaluations that are barriers to the
deepest levels of intimacy.
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 Low self–esteem: Refusal to make peace with the way you've been made.
 Alternatives: The use of pornographic resources and masturbatory release
of sexual tension would displace your spouse.
 Poor Health and Hygiene: Body odour, unclipped nails and offensive
breath would diminish the excitement for sex

Enhancing Sexual Intimacy

What can help a couple enjoy their sex life?

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

To prevent sex from pulling you and your spouse apart, you need to P-U-R-E…

Prioritize

 Pleasure: use sex to give pleasure to the other person.

 Romance and foreplay
 Discussing your preferences
 Understand

 …gender differences and perspective of sex

 …your spouse
 Identify and share what turns you on and off (erogenous zone).

Refrain …
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 Don't use sex as a weapon or bargaining tool.
 From adultery, pornography, drugs and objectifying your mate.

Exclude others

 Sex is created to be enjoyed by only a husband and wife.

 Becoming and remaining one flesh thrives with one partner.

CONCLUSION

Sex is a gift from God. If it is used as intended, it would promote bonding and
prevent waywardness. To experience a healthy and intimate sex life you need to
speak, share and adjust. You need P-U-R-E