Original word count: 15,451

All of a sudden here I am in this house I rent in Bariloche, taking care of my exes'

pet animals and getting Canadian post that belongs to another ex. What have I

done with my life?!

All of a sudden, there she was, taking care of her exe´s pets and getting Canadian

post that belonged to another ex. She was shaking in her boots, trying not to take it

too seriously but finding herself suddenly overwhelmed with her own life.

Lighten up! She heard her sister´s voice saying.

It was the view of the mess in her life that shook her.

What have I done with my life?! She thought.

Meanwhile, after the break up, I have decided to keep the house that I used to

live in with my ex and his two kids, and I have started looking for a person to share

it with. I do not mind living on my own-I love that- but rent is a bit expensive and

since it is a 2bedroom 2bathroom house...why not?

Have you ever wondered why, once we have opened up to the universe, we start

accepting unacceptable things?

(Free falling-Eddie Vedder)

Is it that we get a bit confused, or even overwrought perhaps, and misinterpret the

signs, maybe? It is definitely true to me, for sure.

Ok, this has been going on for too long now and I am beginning to lose faith in the

so-called synchronicity.

The phone is ringing now...I always take too long to answer it but I simply cannot

help it: the ringtone I chose is just too lovely and I give myself permission to dive

into its musicality every time. It is a "Frenchy" song by Yann Tiersen.

Oh! Too late. It stopped ringing. Well...it may have been some bugging call

anyway; either my ex trying to fix a day and time to drop by and leave the dog's

food or another "Too-desperate-and-not-reliable -enough-interested-in-sharing-

the-house-candidate".

Suddenly, I realize I need some spiritual boost so I decide to pay a visit to my-

across-the-street-old-school-Patagonian-Hippie-neighbor, Lyra.
It is late evening and she might be meditating into her sleep by now but I am

allowed to bother her anytime. We are unconditional friends. Both very much into

Astrology and nature.

But no. I did not get the boost I was seeking. What I got was more like a slap on the

face. Lyra has her own special and very personal way of showing you truth...

Phone ringing again... unknown number.

Hello.

Hi, I am calling for the ad.

Right. The one to share rent?

(I had published 3 ads at the time...different ads for different needs I had. Unsolved

problems I was open to get help for.)

Yes, the one to share rent.

His voice...yes HIS voice-and I know what you are thinking- sounded calm... The ad

said very clearly and in CAPITALS "Looking for CALM SILENT person to share big

house rent". And since, I guess, everyone reading it took surprised notice of it, they

were either REALLY calm people or had no option other than to pretend to be. So
even when I expected the person calling to sound calm, many of them, believe it

or not, did not succeed in faking it even when they were trying really hard.

So, all in all, THE VOICE SOUNDED CALM AND REAL, AUTHENTIC.

That was a turn on at the end of that cloudy cold day with no sunshine whatsoever

which can be a truly discouraging reality in Patagonia: Amazing yet desolate,

windy, cold, long-winters place.

(Michigan-The Milk Cartoon Kids)

HE...again yes-it was a HE-told me he had previously called so...2 points to the new

guy who is sure enough to call again if necessary. And 2 points to the new girl-I was

struggling to become-that pays no stressed attention to answering the phone. At

some point, I guess, I have this unconscious intelligence (let's call it that way)that

even when it looks like I am doing something stupid-as my ex boyfriend with an

angry face used to tell me- sometimes it is not stupid at all. Good things can come

out of distracted moments- as I have come to believe. At least, it is true for my life.

I have to say it was late Sunday evening and I thought he was an idiot for calling

so late. I was hopeless by the time and I was not exactly trusting my instincts. Bad

timing, I thought.
Then he started stammering and i thought it was a good sign. Is it a good sign just

because he's stammering? Sometimes, honestly, I would just go kicking my own

ass!

Well then...I told him this was not going to be quick or easy...so if he was in a hurry,

maybe he should dial the number in the next ad.

(I know. It sounded like something you would say to your boyfriend but well...It was

honest and a good realistic portrait of the situation.)

But Oscar was fine with it.

Well, Oscar was not the name I had in mind but did I really have any pre-concept

in mind? Maybe unconsciously I did.

What's next? I thought. I have developed this survival system I call "the waiting". It

consist of: Simply waiting. Not like forever. Just a few days to give it (ideas and/or

decisions) time to soak and unravel. When you rush into things you usually make

mistakes, so I rely on the traditional tedious waiting process.

So next was to stop talking and let him know I would contact him during the week

to arrange an appointment.

I still did not know if I would let him come to the house or not for our first meeting.
That reminds me of this other guy who seemed like the perfect person, Mario. Only

that he was maybe TOO perfect. He sounded a bit too self-confident and he

thought that throwing the ecology/environment-friendly speech at me would

work. And it certainly did.

After a lot of coming and going, he ended up renting another place. Only that he

didn't let me know about it until the day we were supposed to meet and I texted

him only to find out the ugly truth.

I understand that at this point you are probably wondering about women

'candidates' who would possibly be an easier, better option. Truth is that in my

experience I just do not consider it healthy to be forced to compete with any of

my fellow females. I have had many bad experiences on that matter. Anyways,

the ad said 'PERSON'. It did not discriminate anyone regarding sex, age or social

condition. It did discriminate, though, certain personality traits. It is arguable. But it

is also a reference and a very personal one.

And some women did call.

And our meetings never went beyond the phone. Calls and texts to arrange

meetings that never came to existence. I took it as something natural, though.

Deep inside I may have not regretted any of those failed attempts.
So, there I was reluctantly proceeding with the waiting process. Another guy

called and came to meet me. It felt right. Luis.

I had two men waiting for me. I did not want to pick one. For I knew it had to be a

natural process where things were meant to be. No anxiety, calculations or

statistics could work here when it comes to human behavior matters, I had to let

things take their course and everything would fit together as it should.

(Human behavior-Bjork)

A text came some days later. It was a very encouraging one. Full of hope and wit.

Optimistic but not too much. A bit spiritual, I would say. I did not know how to take

it, to be honest.

However, the waiting had to continue according to the standards I had set for this

system.

Let it flow. (Trim Tram by Blur)

And so…Let it be. It was Oscar. He came to all three of our meetings and

addressed to me very respectfully, patiently, listened carefully and never allowed

any puzzling or pessimistic expression of disapproval on his face. Not even when I
explained some of my 'strange-yet-effective' environment-friendly procedures

about managing waste and the anti-TV, anti-fridge philosophy.

(Two of us-The beatles)

By then, all my friends and neighbors were making fun of us living together. They

were trying to say it was a brand new way to start a relationship. Like the opposite

strategy to a Blind date. Our own version of fast dating.

Somebody said to me that having Oscar as a flatmate would definitely keep men

away. The idea of it seemed horrible at first, specially accounting for the

chauvinism it represents but then I thought: Ok! So be it! Men will finally be kept

away from me for a change. Fair enough!

What's more: I do not feel attracted to Oscar which makes it a better deal still. And

we can share domestic life, sex and stress-free.

Meanwhile, let us not forget to do some Hatha yoga to stop my mind and my

feelings of self-loathing from eating me alive.

I still find it hard to achieve the so-called stillness of the mind especially when my

friends Nostalgia, Anguish and Resentment talk to me and my mum in conference

conversations on skype. I find these two very Latin (negative?) feelings.

But let's now pray.

It is now too late and tomorrow morning, I have to go to work really early. Damn

money!

Hatha has saved me. I am sure you have already heard this before. I have heard

this before. I feel my life is a South American version of Eat Pray Love. Only that, of

course, I have no money to go on a trip around the world. Mine is undoubtedly an

internal journey.

Ok, no Hatha today. Only a few optimistic thoughts to lead myself into good

quality sleep. No demons allowed tonight and hopefully, I will dream of new

possibilities and solutions.

Next morning arrives sooner than expected when I realize I set the alarm clock too

early. It was another one of my lovely systems to force myself to be productive and

scare depression away. When I am so productive I don't get chance to stay still

and inevitably sink into that tragically familiar pit of sadness. I tilt my hat and, trying

to get an angle, I decide it is a good thing. I love teaching and this year in

particular I feel i am working in these two great places where I feel I belong. One is

a secondary school and the other an elementary bilingual school where I teach

English and I have so much fun doing so. Plus, I love driving my car so I got the

feeling I had no reason to complain about my life...till it hit me.

I am 34, single, no kids and have recently been dumped, abandoned, yelled at

and called names. On top of that, i have been drifting away in many aspects of

my life, starting with relationships, followed by the adaptation processes to the

lifestyle of the many cities I have lived in, changing jobs, feeling I do not belong

and, last but not least, undergoing the painful state of being part of a forgotten

working class struggle. Always running after material possessions I never seem to

get and starting all over every time I move to a different house which happens to

be: Every year.

What a great joke this life of mine is!

Chapter 2

Today, finally, I decided to take a break from my life. We call it 'TREGUA' in Spanish.

My friend Helene who is a German Philosopher living in Patagonia and working as

a German teacher invited me to go with her to Germany to visit family and friends

for a month. I said yes. Again, my friends and family could not understand what I

do with my life. It gets more complicated taking into account the fact that Helene

is gay. And I am not. Is this my own special way and personal signature to defy all

odds and prejudices? Is this my Karma?

I really do not pay attention to this until someone brings it up with such relevance it

scares the hell out of me.

Couchsurfing, sharing rent, traveling, having friends from other countries seems to

be a legacy I get from my studying and teaching of English language and none in

my family is or has ever been involved in such an empress. English is definitely mine.

My own. Nobody has ever studied languages in my family and certainly none of

them has ever traveled further than the next town from where they live. That, my

friends, is what I call karma.

I love all languages. I get lost in reading magazines about exploring the world's

most remote corners and I just lose myself listening to traditional folk music like

zydeco and mixes of cultural legacies and sounds. That brings me to my affection

for Orientalism which deserves a chapter of its own.

(zydeco music playing- from the movie Schultze gets the blues)

So, what am I supposed to do? Turn down such an offer of exploring the world in

the dearest company of a great friend just because people would condemn it?

While writing these lines I hear cars coming and going at the background. This

hardly ever happens. This is the loveliest neighborhood. It is submerged in the

Nahuel Huapi Lake National Park, in the middle of the woods in the heart of the

Andes Mountains and only occasionally, you hear cars or noise. I remember now

why I bothered to put my life upside-down (once again) and leave/quit my life in

Neuquen only to return to the peace and quiet of this beloved place I once knew.
Always moving, always searching…What a restless idiot I turned out to be!

I am so sick of myself!

Have you ever felt you are an outsider and got tired of fighting it?

I will have to accept it and move on with my life. From now on, I will not expect to

do things the way most people do. From now on I will not question my way of

doing things. That shall bring me some peace at last.

This is what I meant by a TREGUA.I WILL JUST STOP FIGHTING MYSELF while trying to

conform and become something different than I am.

I think it's important to take a step back from yourself once in a while, and have a

good look at who you are. Even though most of the time you don't like what you

see. It is so easy to get caught up in the every day that you don't realise how things

have changed! You also don't see how you could change things for the better

unless you see what needs to be changed first. And in this case, all that needs to

change is my level of self-assurance, starting now.

Chapter 3

HOME: THE NEIGHBOURHOOD

Lyra

"¿Cuál es tu tierra?" Lyra asked ("What is YOUR earth?)

I am sure my neighbor Lyra prays for me. That is the sweetest thing anyone who is

not directly related to you can do for you. Plus, she is my spiritual master. She

reminds me of synchronicity almost every day.

SYNCHRONICITY

At some point we will have to open our eyes to the fact that synchronicity

operates in every possible level. Just recently, at the advanced age of 34 I have

come to grasp a certain understanding of what Lyra calls "The living library".

According to her theory, knowledge is everywhere waiting for us to open our

channels and connect with it. Some of us, perhaps, could only get this concept if

explained in a more "occidental way". Nature, as we all know, is a source of

knowledge and we may not need schools, books or other people to get the

information we need to learn about life. It would only take to meditate and let

nature "talk" to us. Needless to say, I have come to believe in this ONLY AFTER

many synchronic events that have happened to me.

Of course, as my friend Alejandro would say: "Too many non-scientific things to

swallow at once".
I will only say this: this morning, during meditation...(and I will explain later the kind

of meditation I do as a very personal practice, that is: I will explain later what MY

OWN PERSONAL MEDITATION METHOD?-maybe process is the right word- is about

and goes beyond any rule or structure.)...anyway...During meditation today, I

understood that all the lyrics of songs I treasure in my memory do have a purpose

and respond to our dear synchronicity law.

You see, I have always had this sensibility for musicality and all my friends have

always surprised at the fact that i have had no formal education on music but I

can sing and I listen to this wide range of music which they define as extraordinarily

good, indie, alternative and varied.

I do not really care for music as a musician would since I have no interest in playing

an instrument.

MY connection with music is spiritual and since my early days, lyrics have literally

SAVED MY LIFE, the same way Hatha has done later in my life. They were the

window to the world for me. Away from working-class family life struggle and away

from my neighborhood's poverty and violence and other developing-country-like

issues. Now...how does this prove synchronicity?

There is a reason why the songs I remember have this funny way of bouncing on

my face when the time is right.

You may think it is probably the other way around: These songs and their lyrics

have shaped my mind in a way that I see the world through them. But no.

You will be able to account for this if you listen carefully to the words in the songs I

included here in my story.

I happen to believe this story tells the tale of a turning point in my life which is

happening RIGHT NOW.

So the songs are to this story as relevant and revealing as they have been to me

and they have helped me make the most important decisions ever, as I have

come to learn. Of course my life is not a successful one. But hopefully a happy

one. I wonder what does qualify as a 'successful' life?

I am tired...NO. I HAVE TO figure this out.

FERI

Feri just texted me. He is cute and he is my next door neighbor. I have always

fantasized about dating a neighbor. I think it is old-school-romantic and practical

at the same time.

OSCAR

He seems like the perfect companion. Shy yet interesting enough to strike quality

conversation during dinner time. We usually cook for each other when we know

we are both staying home for supper. Good cook. Humble. Respectful. Patient.

Calm and silent yet enjoys music and he is a music lover and MURGA singer

himself. He is also an engineer and investigator and likes doing the groceries

shopping. Could i ask for more?

So here I am surrounded by men, AGAIN. Even when I try hard with every molecule

of my body to keep them away, they keep coming around.

Even my pet animals are male (or shall I say my exe's pet animals? It gets even

harder when I have to answer questions such as: "How old is the dog?" and I just do

not know and have to choose between making it up or confessing they are NOT

really my pets-or are they?-at least technically?-and i am merely a pet caretaker)

well... even THE pets are males!

One thing is good, though. i am getting better at attracting them. I mean I attract

better men now than before, as I have come to learn just recently.

Lyra says that, according to my birth map, it is MY struggle to balance both my

male side (YANG) and my female side (YIN). The result of my not-yet-over fight is
that apparently I am attracting those men who happen to be in harmony with

their own female side.

So none of us manipulates one another or ends up taking up, or sucking up the

other person's energy. (It is better explained in The Celestine Revelation).

Or is it just that they are NOT better men but since there is no sex involved...

I mean: Is it that sex spoils everything and makes them complete moreons ?? No.

Let's better not blame it on sex and rid them from their responsibility to behave

coherently.

I choose to use the word MORON for a very specific reason. Only that I deliberately

wrote it a bit differently, also for a very specific reason. Have you ever thought of

what the word means? Like if you broke it in parts? Other insults are either sexist or

making fun of body parts and that is biased, if you ask me.

In the case of MORON the dictionary entry reads: "(Derog) Mentally subnormal". I

will have to disagree. It seems to me "Moron" comes from the following

combination of words: "more" and "on" which reminds me of those people who

can never have enough or are empty inside and are always asking for more,

unsatisfied and taking their vital energy from interacting with and manipulating

others.
Back to men and women and sex...It wears me out, really.

Don´t get me wrong: I like sex as much as many do. That is: The kind of intense

fusion, connection and communication with another you can only reach through

sex.

But it certainly drives everyone crazy and out of control and I DON'T have the

energy. I do not have the emotional energy for that nor I'd like to waste it on that.

I am, for the first time in my life in a period of no sex. And I choose to do so.

Of course, I have to tell you, I am still in love with my ex. The last one, not the

previous one. Divorced. Two kids. Right: I was a step mother once. But even when

we meet every once in a while or talk on the phone, there is no sex involved. That

thought leads me to HIM.

CES (FRANCESCO)

My ex. Best divorced father I have ever met. Best lover, too. Great guitar player

and fly fishing passionate. One of my best friends and a cutie to live with. The

problem? -you may ask-: He is a full-time overprotective father. And he does not

want to have any more children.

He called me the other day, a week after his birthday, to talk. And the talk was

about love. Of course, at this point I try not to pay much attention to him or he will

drive me crazy with his ups and downs.

One thing is certain: We have to go sign the new rent lease together since he is my

warranty. We remained friends after the break up but it is more a "guilt-

friendship"kind of relationship. What I mean is: we still love each other but have

accepted to be apart because it is the best for HIS kids. After living together for 8

months, he decided to move. And so, he feels guilty. If he offers to help me, he

may do it out of guilt. Well, that's what I suspect. Every day, I think of him. I treasure

every precious moment we shared together. Then I drop it. I keep pushing him

away. It was too hard when he left and I am not ready to forgive him. He says he

never stopped loving me. I just do not know.

Will we spend Christmas together? Christmas is only 20 days away. I am picturing

his face right now. I feel so connected to him even when he is 13 years older than

me.

BUT THEN, I am certainly a different person than last time i was involved with

someone before him so: How can I possibly get a clue?!

MIGUEL
This is quite a list of old-fashioned traditionally Argentinian-Italian, Argentinian-

Spanish male names, right?

My dear coworker, Miguel. Photographer. As interesting as any Leo native could

be. He shines.

I have always had this prejudice with Leo natives. I guess it's because my mum is a

Leo native and I spent a loooong time trying to prove her wrong when I was a

teenager and then trying to differentiate myself from her, in an attempt to grasp

some kind of hint that took me closer to MY true identity. Then, I ended up realizing

I was surrounded by Leo natives and all of them were carefully chosen by myself to

conform the intimate circle of interesting people I adore sharing my everyday life

with. Now and then.

CHRISTIAN

Half American-half Cuban. Not really. A quarter American, a quarter Canadian, a

quarter Irish and a quarter Cuban. That's better. A bit more accurate.

Scorpion native. Born the very same day as Ces. Again: stupid meaningless

coincidence? I just give up! Too many hints together are not going to show me

any truth. On the contrary: I feel overwhelmed by their quantity and intensity.

Going back to Christian...

You see, the neighborhood also includes a variety of options-that make up for the

lovely place this really is-such as a nearby hostel which I love and take every

chance I have to escape there I see some of the international diversity Bariloche

can offer. In the meantime I get to talk to so many different and beautiful people.

All ages. All religions. All kinds.

Of course, everyone feels thrilled to ask me the reason why I am staying there

while a have a house 5 blocks away. I guess it is quite odd, to them.

These are the pieces of the puzzle. The puzzle of my life. The puzzle of my love life.

The pieces that I got by chance. Or not? God or the universe put them there for

me. Right? Synchronicity, I shall remember.

Chapter 5

The outer answer and the inner answer

So December finds me breathless. Always working. Always willing. Always learning.

Always looking at the bright side. Always waiting. Always trying hard, always

exploring and getting myself to the work. Passionately. Trying to keep my feet on

the ground-not so good at that. And also learning to just enjoy and let go. But

then, the answer is the key here. It may come any minute. I am not in a hurry but
day by day I am filled with information from within myself and I HAVE TO LISTEN TO

IT. I HAVE TO RESPOND. It's the INNER ANSWER, after all.

But then, at some point when I succeed in keeping myself alert and open to the

signs, I may find out some meaningful clue. Trying to escape men and their

overwhelming energy and in an effort to focus my mind, my heart and soul on

some truthful, spiritual path, I got in touch with the one, I found out later, who was

the ultimate referent of the spiritual masters legacy here. And it was a WOMAN.

I was infatuated with the idea.

Chapter 6

Survival systems

Another extremely vital system i have developed is the one of support. Where do

YOU go for support? Friends? Family? Church?

I go to THE FLOOR. While in the practice of Hatha Yoga, it is very common to thank

THE FLOOR for giving us support. The soil and ground that supports us is the subject

of prayer and many ASANAS are named after the valuable support we get from it.

So what do I do, you may ask? Do I suddenly and desperately start kissing my

kitchen floor? Or worse, do I simply get crazy enough to start licking it the way wild
innocent creatures do to show gratitude and respect? Well, you wouldn't be far

off. I lay down on my back as devotionally as possible and try to get as many

muscles in my body to consciously touch and rely on the support feeling of the

floor holding me. Holding me. The way a mother holds her child. The way gravity

anchors you to the centre of the planet. The way all the children of God deserve

to be held: unconditionally. Such is the love and protection we get from the

ground that lays under our feet.

I must work on being able to rely solely on my own method of support. I like being

able to feel the floor and knowing it will always hold me, but there are lots of times

when that isn't enough. When the calm stillness of it all doesn't calm my frantic

thoughts. Usually I go to Lyra, and she gives me guidance. Sometimes I berate

myself for going to her although I know she doesn't mind, but she gives the issues in

my life a sense of clarity; something beyond the pure and constant support of the

floor.

In theory, I should like to feel the support of the ground and remain calm and safe

in the knowledge that it will always be there. But it's a luxury to be able to look

around and see life for what it is, to make sense of it. It's even more of a luxury to

be able to look ahead a little. I like to think that I have earned these luxuries.

Chapter 7

Love
Phone ringing again. It's Ces. I wonder what he wants. I am tired of his calls that

never really lead anywhere.

I texted him yesterday to arrange to meet in order to go together to see the

landlord and sign the rent lease on my behalf.

He offered to pick me up. I was battling to decide whether I preferred that or not. I

said yes. Then I said no. Then I said nothing for a couple of days.

He waited a bit before he threw the clichè romantic speech at me and... to be

honest, it worked. They say second parts are never better... I just do not know

about that and I am going to find out for myself!

(Lionsong by Bjork)

Chapter 8

The tree trunk (in the window) or the tree pose

The yoga poses that are the hardest to me are the balance ones. I am quite good

at them but I still have to fight. Struggle. Try my best. And, no matter how much I

adore trees, the tree pose or Vrkshasana is the one that I cannot seem to master in

spite of its simplicity, compared to others I do master and which require more

concentration, practice and effort. I wonder why really. It still remains a mystery

and I reflect on it every day, not only during yoga practice but when I look through

my living room window. You see, there's this giant tree with its trunk visible

throughout all the height of the glass.

I spoke to Helene about it once. Germans have a logical approach to life that is so

refreshingly simple.

"I don't understand what it is, it's just standing in one leg, it's nothing compared to

some of the other poses." I explained to her.

"Maybe you're thinking about it too hard," she began, "or it might be because you

always have so much change going on in your life it's difficult for you to stand tall

and still."

I thought about her comment spiritually at first, and imagined all the negative

forces and energies converging around me like gusts of strong wind, each one

pushing and pulling me off balance.

"I think you just have to imagine yourself as a tree," Helene continued. "You are tall,

strong, and can withstand gales and lightning. Believe you are a tree."

I brushed this idea off at first. To me, yoga was about focusing on your body - the

best tool you'll ever have - and using it, improving it, not pretending it's something

else. I take nature and use it to better myself and my body, I don't treat my body
as a blank canvas to be converted into nature. Although, I could try it. I decided in

the spirit of open-mindedness and the fact that Helene was never wrong to

imagine myself as a tree. Hey, it might even do me some good.

(Sweet adversary by Bjork)

Chapter 9

The whitest beauty (mum's blindness) or Alexandra

This is the first time in my life I feel identified with grown- ups. Their structures, their

fears, their weariness, their struggle, their hopes and dreams and especially their

ability to accept things. I know you may be thinking: Is she kidding? On the

contrary, adults find it really hard to accept things. I mean, It is so challenging to

be a grown up that I would dare say it is harder than being a child. The everyday

miracles of maternity and the hard work and the postponing of one's ego on

behalf of more urgent needs...the building of alternative realities belong to grown-

ups. Even when they behave like idiots and complain all the time and do not often

see themselves clearly or even when they do not see their purpose in life clearly.

Even when they convince themselves that they should not have dreams but strictly

follow the checklist they need to get done for work and the many tasks to conform
to outer demands. Even when they do not believe in themselves. Even when they

feel everything is a mess and they cannot give away the treasure they have found

that the young could use.

(Love Boat Captain by Pearl Jam)

Chapter 10

The shushing

I see myself now.

Miguel took some pictures of me. Professional pictures. You're probably wondering

why but I thought it could be fun so I accepted his offer, although not until months

after he talked to me about it. And it wasn't until months after the pics had already

been given to me that I decided to actually look at them. I could finally stop my

mind from punishing me and I opened it to the unknown. I do not see myself in the

photos. And I may not be myself in the photos. I am every woman and every

molecule. I am the miracle of life. I am sensitivity. I am strength. I am the waiting. I

am trust. I am receptiveness. I am openness.

With all of that I should be able to organise the rest of my life.

(Lionsong by Bjork)

Chapter 11

Rose petals everywhere or The roses in the garden

My only ambition these days is to seize my time at home, in the sun, gardening,

picking flowers, reading and writing while laying on the fine grass of my beloved

garden. Smelling the sweet aroma of grass on my skin. Letting my skin dry all its

problems off in the sun's heat. I now rub my skin with the soft fresh-green spring tree

leaves and imagine this is what paradise may be like.

The calm and noble presence of nature makes me feel like it is the most important

thing and therefore I should dedicate as much time to it as possible. It's humbling

and yet blissful in equal measure.

(Biophilia album by Bjork)

By the sound of Mirko barking, I learn that a car has just stopped at the front

garden´s gate. It was my dear friend, Bel.

She often likes to show up without warning. I quite like that because it reminds me

of how, no matter how hard we try, God and the universe is ultimately in control

and it is relieving to submit to it. It's like letting yourself be carried away by the sea.

I invite her in for a cup of tea. Bel and I love each other dearly, but after the

happiness has levelled out I have to remember to be slightly careful. I take pride

and comfort in surrounding myself by frank-talking females; they always tell me the

truth and stop me from going off-course. But, as is to be expected with honesty, it's

not all a happy experience.

After some beers, our conversation turned a bit violent.

You just cannot tolerate kids, can you? You are too self-centered and would

never let them get away with anything, Would you? Think about it! He has left you.

You are all alone, again. You asked for a good men to love you for so long and

then, once you had him, you spoiled it!...and the kids! You did the same to them as

you always do to my son: You just step down to their level and you end up

behaving like a child too…

I just crawled around, desperately trying to find a comfortable corner in my living

room where I could shelter myself and cry. Every rose has its thorn. Or several

thorns, in Bel's case it seems.

She left when she could eventually came back to her senses and realised that I

had gone to bed crying my heart out because of all the things she said that hurt

me so badly.

Ces once explained to me that things hurt for two reasons: because they matter or

because they're true. Right now he would probably tell me that the reason I was so

upset by Bel's harsh words is because they're true and it hurt me to hear them out

loud because, as humans, it's natural to deny all the bad feelings and pretend

they aren't so bad. If I had the energy I would argue back. I would tell him that it

hurt because I could hear the hatred in her voice and it felt so bad coming from

my friend.

Chapter 12

The red table

I was standing completely still after breakfast except for the fact that I was rubbing

the front of my head with my right hand while staring at my red table. Suddenly, I

noticed there was something different about my hair. Something different and

wrong. To my surprise, I realized I was going bald. That's right: bald! There's a lump
of weak, thin hair that is starting to show. I ignored it. After a few days it became

obvious though. People were noticing it and letting me know. Of course, some of

them diminished the seriousness of the problem and there I was, explaining that it

may not be a lump but just a visual effect. You see, I have very dark hair and very

white skin. So, the contrast when you see through my hair is such that it may

appear to you that my thin/fine hair is widely separated one from the other but not

really. It is not a lack of hair but the very white skin in between the very dark hair

that makes it appear as if you could see through it.

But, again, no. So now that I have to accept it, I have started working on a plan to

heal my ill hair. Headstands! That's it! We modern human beings spend too much

time standing and very little in horizontal position or upside-down. That's the cause

and reason and THE solution at the same time. Easy! Don't you get tired of my

enthusiasm and my optimism for everything? I do too.

Truth is: it was way more complicated than that. It took me 4 months to start

recovering from my self-loathing, guilty and self-indulgent feelings. And it took

about the same to start noticing my hair was growing a tiny bit thicker and

stronger right above my forehead.

That was nothing compared to the appearance of the skin on my face. It looked

like war zone. Pimples, black spots and crusty-red bloated- blood-like lumps were

fighting a 3-sided battle where the victory/defeat belonged to the lastly-named

ones. I felt ugly and, worst of all, I felt like my skin was giving away our very well-

kept secret of pain and suffering, the big traitor, the bitch.

Everyone thinks that you only get spots as a teenager. Not true. Everyone thinks

that you'll have you're life sorted out and therefore your skin sorted out by the time

you're an adult. Not true. Look at me! 34, single, a string of exes and now a face to

match.

Only after a while was I able to see more clearly. After millions of minutes of mind

control, carefully selecting thoughts and everyday meditation had passed, energy

going up and down and around, unstoppably visiting every corner of my body, I

could start healing.

Pages and pages of Chinese medicine book excerpts that Lyra lovingly and wisely

selected for me. The inner smile. Smiling with your liver. Tan Tien. The two brains. The

brain in your Uterus. Yin yang. Etc.

Only then my skin was starting to give me a rest. It looked as if it was not resented

anymore. NO more disgusting evidence of its exuding of all the toxic substances in

my body being spotlessly eliminated second after second in an adventure that

only relieved me when I thought that, at least, my elimination systems were healthy

and working perfectly well. Thank God for that.

(Biophilia by Bjork)
Chapter 13

Sunlit curtains

I was gazing at the light coming through my big windows when I suddenly noticed

a silhouette of something like a hooded person, a strider.

It was Lyra, who has this annoying habit of knocking at the window and getting

through it instead of simply using the door. She scares the hell out of me every

time.

"Don't go out today. Mars and Pluto are opposite today".

I wanted to follow her advice but how could I? I had to go to work. So, after a few

seconds I went:

"Thank you, Ly....wait! What does that mean?...and I am getting ready for work

so..."

"Ok. So please, do NOT fight with anyone today. Master your fire."
Oh, no! I thought.

"Well, that's easier said than done", I said.

And I wish I did not know where all that "master your fire" leads to. Of course I was

afraid. I was afraid of MY fire. I am Aries and my ascendent is Leo. I am afraid of

myself. I was afraid of the deadly combination of my fire and the unfavorable

planet conjugation. This can only mean one thing. Something is going to unleash

my anger and I am not going to be able to control it. It has happened before and

once it has sparked, it inevitably grows and spreads and takes over.

"Ok...," I told myself.

"Think!" I immediately started to think about possible excuses to make up and tell

my boss in order NOT to go to work. I HAD TO stay home and...I don't

know...canalize that energy...or just endure...sort it out...protect myself...meditate..I

just don't know.

Lyra was already gone. What was I supposed to do with so little information?!

Should I take her seriously? For God's sake, it was only astrological information,

after all! No...i HAVE TO listen. We have agreed on this. We commited ourselves to

this astrological experiment and I could not take it back. She is my master and I am
the apprentice and if she came all the way here to tell me this, there's MUST BE a

very important reason.

Once I have solved the excuse problem, I will get down to managing my fire.

Ok, let's get started:

First, what is wrong today? Register! That is what Lyra always says. What do you

feel? How do you feel? Well...i feel many different things...some of those feelings

are opposite...some are blurry...Oh, come on! Give me a break here! What am I

doing anyway? Is this such an emergency? Well, If Uranus is favorable, changes

will happen. Otherwise I will have to wait 84 years for Uranus to come to this

specific position again. Damn it. I have to figure this out.

I grab a piece of paper and the brainstorm starts.

Next step...

(I am mine by Pearl Jam)

Chapter 14
We sat at the table at the restaurant where we used to go and we were facing

one another. Half smiling, rejoicing that we were doing that together after a long

time and half worried that we did not exactly know what we were doing .He had

accepted my invitation to dinner. He was happy that I had invited him.

He decided he wanted to sit next to me.

Something in his answer to my typical question was different this time.

"I do believe in love".

"Me too".

He had never said that before.

"You did not wait for me".

"I am sorry".

How do you relate to a person you love deeply but who betrayed you before you

had even met him? Of course, he did not know he was betraying me. Is that

betrayal, really? Ok. He married someone he did not love and he had kids. He

thought he loved her. No one buys the story but you can never know, can you? It's

difficult to see things as they really are, especially when you're at the centre of it.
Maybe he didn't see it? Aaaarrghh! It makes me sooo angry he had married that

woman! How could he? In his defense, it's been 15 years since then and I will have

that agree peopled of change a lot in time. It was not jealousy i felt but confusion.

In my mind a person I love this much could have never possibly felt attracted to

such a woman. I doubted him. I doubted the kind of person he was. It frightened

me to think he was not the man I thought he was. And I do that. A lot. I idealize

people. All the bloody time. Helene calls it 'black and white vision'. I like to simplify

things because it is easier, I don't like to see the grey, the unlabelled, the variable.

It is not about him, really. It is about me. I need to figure this out...-among other

things, as you already know.

(Stonemilker by Bjork)

Chapter 15

The knock out

Phone not ringing. Phone not ringing again. Unborn noises and ringtones. All day

long. That was not normal. I did not know the ephemerides but I suspected trouble.

Too much fire or absence of it or simply overwhelming dark energy had taken
over. I took a deep breath and dialed the phone. His number ended in 81, which

was the year I was born.

We had been living together for a while now: 8 months. We had overcome the

sudden death of relatives, birthday celebrations with a twist from what had

traditionally been, the kids' school problems, the onmipresent ghost of Ces' ex wife,

the kids' mother, the moody days of children who had to accept too many

changes in a row, the moody days of two grown ups who love each other

passionately but had to put up with too much pressure, assembled-family holidays,

the coming and going of cars that took the kids back and forth, the taking, the

bringing and the forgetting of the kids' personal items, the exe's calls and changes

of plans, the frustrated vacations, the absence of working-class- Ces for more than

12 hours every day, the tiredness, the mistakes, the insufficient money problems,

the misunderstanding, the unbearable lightness of being, the different upbringings,

the clash of personalities, the broken patience, the competence, the limits, the

cooking, both the healthy and the unhealthy, the shopping, the sedentarism, the

boredom, the closed- up winter, the wind, the cleaning of the house, the jobs, the

errands, the bureaucracy, the rent, the purchase of better cars, the long chats

about whys and don'ts, the visit of the mother-in-law and yet we continue loving

each other.

Phone ringing now.

Nothing.
Try again.

Nothing.

Please baby...answer!

Try again.

I could sense something was wrong and that made me horribly sad.

"Hey baby...are you ok?...you haven't called or texted all day".

Silence...

"SOMETHING GOT BROKEN".

"What?!"

"Something got broken, Natasha. You heard me. There's nothing we can do about

it."

"What are you talking about? Please explain."

I was scared to the bone, sinking in despair, partly because of the rush it meant

since Ces was working and that could only mean the conversation would

unavoidably get interrupted any moment. If that happened, I would not get a

clue, and I would be throwing myself into diving the deep waters of anxiety,

anguish and uncertainty for as long as the evening lasted, only to hope he would

come home and we could have a moment to talk.

"Jose called me today. He needed to talk to me."

Jose, Ces' little boy, and I had had a horrible argument a couple of days before

and I felt guilty and remorse, i have to tell you, is as awful as people say. I had

gone over the edge that day because in spite of my trying really hard to be

friendly and take care of the two of them, this lovely boy had started to carve

some distance, rejecting me and comparing me with his mother every time we

were alone in the car or at home. I felt hurt and attacked him. I told him some

awful truth about his mum and he was obviously not ready to hear it. My fault.

Even more shameful it was when I told myself what a dumbass I had been

provided I was a teacher and I knew exactly how to relate to kids and avoid these

kind of wild reactions. So my worst fears were coming true. I hated myself in that

moment but I defended myself very well saying it could be fixed and I needed to

apologize.
He said no.

The healing powers of time have not yet freed me from the flinch I get when I

remember such episode.

Ces knew about this and other problems related to setting limits, putting my food

down when children misbehaved, etc. But he was out of the house so much and

came back tired and did not want to hear about it. I, meanwhile, was pushing

myself too hard trying to fit in the stepmother costume. And it suited me most of

the time. I enjoyed it. But truth blows up in your face when you are trying too hard

to ignore it, I guess. Somehow bad experiences are even worse when you know

that they are going to happen.

Ces did not want to have any more kids and I have not been a mother yet. I guess

I resented that and took it on the kids. They were another woman's kids. Ces had

given someone else but me the right to be his wife and mother of his kids and he

was not willing to do the same for me. He gave somebody else that chance and

now it felt like there was something missing between me and the man I loved. I

have always respected and admired motherhood in a very dear way, despite the

fact that p i have never been one of these girls who have been planning their

wedding day since they were little.

The days and nights after that were simply hell. A sequence of unbearably long

and painful arguments about who was right or wrong, whether it was possible to fix
anything or not, that I was guilty and irresponsible for having hurt the child's

feelings and for having started the final countdown that would inevitably lead to

his moving away from our house and put an end to the drama and to our

relationship. That was too selfish of him, I thought.

He cried and cried. I slept in many different places during the time he was taking

the kids home, trying to prevent the kids from running into me and I had no option

but to fulfill his request to stay away and allow him to handle the situation. Jose did

not want to see me. That was the saddest thing ever in the story of my life. Even

sadder than the fact that my mother had gone blind. How could that possibly be?

Was I losing my senses? I was.

(Black Lake by Bjork)

Chapter 16

Christmas salvation or New Year's resolution-The transformation potent

So many Christmases have passed. 34. So many gifts received and offered. What's

new this time?

"The transformation potent/potential" answer came to my mind as part of the

knowledge I have always had and had been sleeping inside.

I need to read myself somehow...

Here is something new: For the first time in my life I feel like I belong. I am precisely

where the universe wants me to be. I have heard that expression hundreds of time

but never really felt that way. It was always: Yeah...ok...I guess...the universe must

be wrong this once. Maybe the system is needing some adjustments...that kind of

thing. and yes, we do say stupid things like that.

I am healing myself this time. I can sense that. Thank you Chiron. I just start my day

trying to be patient and watch it unfold and be ready to pick the signs. No rush.

No anxiety. Difficult but true.

(Free falling by Eddie Vedder)

Chapter 17
Ice cream

I do not want to forget the feeling the night I decided to give Ces a second

chance. I felt so alive, at last! He had let me know we could meet anytime even if

he was with the kids. That means, he would leave the house to meet me and the

kids could be on their own for a while. That was a new Ces, quite different from the

overprotective father I once knew.

So I invited him to go for an ice cream. It was hot in Bariloche which is very unusual

so everyone was out in the street and in the mood for living life as it should be

lived: happily.

I left the 7th form party at school early and excused myself telling people I was

meeting my ex for an ice cream. Of course everybody thought it was a cute

excuse and wished me loooots of luck. It is so amazing when people direct their

good vibe your way. You can actually feel it. And it does not happen very often.

There we were, like two teenagers falling in love. Walking along the beach

barefoot. Or at least I was. It is somewhat rebellious and bold when you think

about the fact that Bariloche does not have sandy beaches but rocky. And there's

the weather thing. It was late at night and in spite of the good summer feeling, it

was quite cold. And Ces had a challenge of his own: he was not rushing, or

worrying about the kids, or getting text messages all the time or thinking about

work. He was there for me. For us.

We sat on the beach, leaning one on the other. Caressing felt like sacred ritual

and our kisses were as sweet as figs.

Conversation was so intense. Slow. Meaningful. We could almost read our minds.

"I thought you had a plan".

Chapter 18

Pizza

It was late evening and Ces had spent 4 hours with me at home that day, at what

used to be OUR home together once. Arielle had been left alone in their

apartment. She is 13. And Jose was at a friend's house.

Ces had decided to go back to his daughter now. And since I was still not allowed

to see or talk to any of the children, he would leave me alone so he could go to

them the same way he had to leave them alone to see me. Once again, i was

battling inside to let this nonsense be and not question it all the time. I could drive

both of us crazy easily, otherwise.

A few minutes later, the phone is ringing and it was him. He was at the market with

Ari and they decided to go for pizza and Ari suggested that the three of us should

go. Best feeling ever! The acceptance of a child is something far superior to any

other feeling. Children are unbiased and accept things wholeheartedly. I was so

proud of her and happy to know she wanted to see me! That's what pizza tastes

like to me from now on: like happiness. And Ces was so delighted. I could see it in

his face. All of a sudden we were calling each other "love" and "darling" right in

front of Ari. And she was totally fine with it :)

(Perfect day by Lou Reed )

Chapter 19

Weekend

Off we go! But no. I did not feel excited about it. Once again in this very short

period of time, I was battling inside to allow myself not to think and let it just be.

Going for a ride with Ces was feeling a bit like a long painful farewell.
Chapter 20 Christmas surprises

Lyra and Ces are kind of my family right now and they have been for more than a

year-and-a-half. I love them terribly. But they do not enjoy each other's company.

They reflect on each other that thing each of them have been escaping all their

lives. Silvia hates the modern, materialistic lifestyle and Ces hates hippie-like basis

of Lyra's life.

But today It came to me: the miraculous opportunity to get them closer together.

Ces owns and runs a groceries store and Lyra cooks veggy food.

Do I buy him a Christmas present? I want to. Am I Santa to him? Or to myself? I

have to stop trying to save him/us. But I really want to buy it!

In this house I feel a bit like Hannah in the English patient movie. She finds the

abandoned monastery in the Italian countryside near Florence. It is an old building

and demands quite a lot of work to keep it clean and neat but it is also so
beautiful, quiet and heart-warming. You see, my house here is located in a corner

Bariloche city that you would never guess it is 100mts from the busy road. Feels like

a bubble in time. I feel suspended in time here. Out of time, out of space. I love my

work and my friends, but I need to have an escape in the form of this house. A

bubble filled with silence, flower aromas and pet Bandurrias.

Just now I am lying on the grass, so much enjoying the view of the dancing towels -

I have hand-washed myself an hour ago- hanging from the rope in my backyard. I

feel a bit like the Little Prince in my tiny planet. Alive only to wake up, go out

barefoot to smell the roses and back inside to get some cleaning work done. While

I am writing this, the towels still swing constantly and pleasurely at the rhythm of the

soft December wind. The cornet-like sound of Bandurrias in the sky and this natural

corridor that connects the back garden with the rose-filled front one. Its walls are

old trees and huge confident bushes of all shades of green. The December wind

moves through it with a sense of belonging.

Is this not what every retired person, after long years of work, really wants?

I am so grateful to experience this at such short age. But I guess it is meant to be

like this. Just the idea of me being able to rejoice at this, to have the ability to

connect with this peace and quiet and not behave restlessly like most 34-year-

olders makes me realize I may have a very old soul. Either that or I am recklessly

damaged and insurmountably weird.

After all, baby Nadia was right from the start/ from the very beginning a bit weird.
Teen Nadia was even weirder. And grown-up Nadia cannot help being so. It's not

for free and it doesn't come easy, I may say. I have long struggled to fit in so badly.

I have.

(Crystallize by Bjork)

It occurs to me for the first time that we are all weird people with lots of different

flaws, but (as usual) it's all a matter of perspective. Teenagers examine their flaws

with a microscope and they think that everyone else is examining them, too. In

reality, their flaws aren't nearly as problematic as they think they are and other

people are too busy with their own lives to examine them in such detail.

As you get older you stop examining yourself so much. It's partly because you don't

have the time anymore, but mostly because you've gotten used to yourself and

your flaws. However, the older you are the more people examine you. That's what

I've found anyway. Especially if you're not a typical adult. 34 and no kids, with a

history of unsteady relationships? That gets a few raised eyebrows. That's why I love

teaching - my pupils can't examine me in that way because they have to focus on

what they're learning. I am the middleman between them and their goal; not

worth a second look.

Chapter 21

Planets
Mars is now positioned over my Pluto. Soon Venus will do the same over my Uranus.

And Uranus will stop going backwards over my Sun, to start going forwards at last.

A lot going on and I am still a total rookie in these matters.

(Pluto by Bjork)

Chapter 22

EcoAldea, Radales, Coihues and Maitenes or Survival systems reloaded

Survival Code Number 1: Beginners

.Don't rush

.Stop and stare

.Stop negative thoughts or let them flow: appear and fly away

.Wait
.Don't think too much: release the mind unless it is totally necessary to sort out a

practical problem: work.

.Don't feel too much: Things happen for a reason. Don't fight reality. Accept it. Try

to change it only when it feels natural, meant-to-be or effortlessly.

.Watch without judging or labelling

.Listen to your inner self (I cannot expand on this one. Too tricky. Sorry!)

.Don't expect others to give you the answer

.Don't try to control everything, every situation and everybody

.Don't get your energy from others or what others can offer you

.Take everything that happens around you as learning, every situation as

synchronic and thus, the perfect trigger you need to open up to insight and, finally,

take everyone you meet as a master

.Trust life as it has proved to be as perfect, unconditional, unconscionable and

everlasting as nature or the universe

.Have faith/Believe in all the above or set yourself to learn it your way

Manifesto

Here i am calmly writing and in peace with myself

There's no one watching me

No one's waiting for me

No one expects anything from me

Time is a friendly fellow having coffee with me

I am joyfully and peacefully dead

I have luckily finally arrived at my present

(Healthier fitter by Radiohead)

Chapter 23

The future
I see the future like a ball of yarn. No. Like a ball. Like a ball that has been thrown,

kicked, caught, withheld, stepped on, taken, stolen, returned, , damaged, broken,

fixed/repaired and again moved ...restlessly from one corner to the other in this

huge field full of people and balls. Each person should find the ball that belongs to

him or her. There's one right ball for each of us and that's that. But with so many fish

in the sea, confusion reigns and people get stressed and upset.

(______________ "So many fish there are in the sea. I wanted you...you wanted him...

by The strokes) 4800

I find it crazy how people get so hung up on their future, like it is one set path, one

set option. "In the future, this will be my job and that is that." They genuinely have

no idea how malleable life is. I almost feel like I am trying to prove this to them with

all the changes I have in my life, like moving every year. They're probably just trying

to cling to some consistency in this ever-changing world.

Chapter 24

"Have you talked to anyone about us?"

"No".
"Why is that?"

"I am trying to protect us".

"From what?"

"Don't know..."

"How can you possibly not feel like jumping out of joy and not want to share with

others this feeling? This love message?"

"I am not like you, love."

"Are people against us?"

What are you talking about?...Look: I love you and I do not care about others...We

exposed ourselves before and it didn't work.

I don't mind exposing myself for love.

You've been in a great mood these days.

I have. And that's what I meant before. I feel happy.

I am happy too.

We kissed softly and tenderly as if touching some fragile crystal.

Let's not rush it,ok? Remember that rushing things was our worst fault.

Maybe it just means we are intense and we want to make it happen.

NO. It means we were stupid. I was. I see that clearly now.

Things happen for a reason. I don't regret a thing.

Listen, Nadia. You also made mistakes. Don't act as if things went wrong just

because. There were many external reasons that damaged us so it is ok to keep it

to ourselves for now. Come on. Trust me on this.

Sorry. I can't.

And yes! I did make mistakes, of course! What did you expect?...I thought the

good things would cancel out the bad things...(correct the idiom)

Everything got messy because you paid too much attention to a spoilt child...

You wanted things I cannot give you. Be honest!

Maybe I don't want them anymore. I feel we are doomed here. I guess we all learn

to accept things. Look: I can see that we both feel powerless about our reality,

about your reality, your ex, your kids...Powerless. I feel like take it or leave it and I

don't want to chose.

"There are other ways".

Our faces close together, one in front of the other, the whole time. The tips of our

noses touching every now and then. We felt each other's sweet warm air coming

out of our nostrils every time we spoke. My face a bit lower than his that made me

rise my sight to look him straight in the eye in an attempt to read his mind.

Sometimes I think I can. But this once I got the feeling that all I could perceive in

him was the disappointment,frustration and the sympathy he felt for our

unfortunate love.

Chapter 25

The Garden of Eden or Lyra's place: The sorcerer's school

Whenever you decide to go across the street and into Lyra's world, it will feel

exactly like having bought a ticket to paradise/heaven: Flowery bright green

bushes and elegant-proud old trees will come to meet you the moment you

trespass the gateless entrance.

"Today Uranus starts moving/running forward along its orbit!"

"meaning?..."

"Meaning you will not be afraid of change. Uranus represents the forces of change

that are going to be vibrating intensely these days and due to the location of the

planets in your birth chart, you will be picking a lot of that!"

"Is that good? How can I possibly be ready? It sounds like a bit too much too

handle, right?"

"No. Remember you are here for a reason."

Chapter 26

Thursday`s child
Ces had called me. I was too absorbed by my yoga practice to answer the

phone. What shall I do? I do not want to call him back. I will just visit him.

R u home?

Yep

Good, stay there

why?

I am at the door

Why don't you just phone like other people do?

I'm not other people. I wanted to see you

Okay

His face was enlighted that night. I was happy to be the one who caused such a

feeling.
His every move was in slow motion to me that night. And maybe it was.

He would not dare touch me. It had been 4 months now and my body did not

belong to him anymore.

What did you dream for us, love?

Many things...

Like what?

Silence...

It's ok. I don't want to know. I guess it's pointless.

It's not. It's only too soon to tell. I am hoping things will work out fine.

This is way too complicated. I'm out.

You can't just check out.

Yes, I can.
Chapter 27

I've just messed up all my passwords. I had some bills to pay...Now they will have to

wait. This is negative synchronicity. Is there such a thing? What do I do now? I want

to blow my brains out. Let's wait for good things to happen. Let's sit down a bit. You

don't want to do anything (else) stupid.

(wishlist by Pearl Jam)

Chapter 28

Bariloche has been taken over by city people: tourists. We have all been tourists

once. We come and suck up all the mountains' energy only to ride our expensive
cars back to work in their unbearably hot cities, lock ourselves up in an office or an

apartment and turn on the air conditioning.

I am going down South. That will heal me. Good New Year's resolution to work the

land, and to meet people who may show me an alternative reality. Everything

seems so right and so normal until you look at it from a distance, from another

point of view. That's what I am going to get when I go down south. I am not afraid

of that. I expect to encounter a new version of myself, a more essential and

meant-to-be version of myself. It will take lots of patience, courage, openness,

physical strength and emotional intelligence. I am up to the task, I guess. I need to

forget about money pressure and/or dishonesty. A vacation for the soul.

"Lyra, why do you dislike modern customs so much?" I asked her one day, when

she wasn't so caught up in the alignment of the planets.

"Because it's toxic." Lyra is nothing if not honest and straight to the point.

"Toxic for the planet or toxic for you as a person?" She looked at me like I was a

stranger.

"Both, obviously."

People may say that I am a 'hippy', but I'm nothing compared to Lyra, which is why

I rely on her so much. She shows me the right way.

Patience. What is it that makes it so hard for us to be friends with it? With her, shall I

say? It is definitely a lady for me.

Today I was faced with my worst fear and I have to tell you. It scared me once

again. But something was new about it. Just today. I knew what was hidden

behind its mask. It was the face of my own darkness: and it is not loneliness or pain.

It was joy. When I was a little girl I was taught that life was hard and only a few

lucky ones could grasp happiness. You know, like the lottery. Since then I have

lived up to that standard. I am not ready to take joy into my life. I am too scared it

will go away. So I just avoid it. I'd rather never know complete happiness and then

lose it - that would hurt more than never knowing happiness in the first place.

Comparison ought to be a sin. I thrive off keeping happiness at a distance. Always

thinking my mistakes are part of a bigger plan that makes me make them.

Because it is the turn I have to take on my way there. That place where people

keep telling me is THE place to arrive at. I must wait until I am there for happiness.

(Ode to my family by The Cranberries)

Chapter 29

Gayatri

I make mistakes because I am frightened. That's what I did with Franco and Ces. I

just spoilt it. As simple as that. Wait. I'm going to fix it. It does depend on me. Am I

having an epiphany here?

I am afraid I will be taken as a second option. A consolation prize. And what if?

Just take a deep breath and endure it. Till the moment comes to change things.

Do not risk it. Just wait.

(It's not up to you by Bjork)

You are soooo scared, baby. And I am. I am shaking right now. But good things will

happen, i know. There's enough for everyone in this plentiful universe.

Lyra has greeted me many many times today. As if celebrating my decision to go

to the Eco Aldea. I guess that's a good sign. She may perceive good vibes

somewhere going my way :)

I had a late wake up today and while waiting for the day to unfold, I can hear the

Gayatri Mantra floating in the air, coming through my living-room window, flooding

my surroundings. I try to track it down. It's difficult cause it's not loud enough...I

track it down across my front garden and across the street and into Lyra's

workshop. Of course, where else would it be coming from?

Om Bhur Buvas Suah Tat Savitur Varenyam...Bhargo Devasyah Dimahi...Dyo Dyo

Nah Pracho Dayah...Om...

and around the neighborhood

Life is what you make it.

Chapter 30:

Rearview mirror

The potence/power to CHANGE

New Year found us in an Eco Aldea in Bolson, sharing with these amazing people

from all over the world and trying to get the right frame of mind not only for

themselves but also to get the best wishes for everyone. We prayed for the world.

We elevated our deepest hearted flames to the skies and sang a big om that

shook the room...

What shall we do to really get the kind of energy we need for transformation in this

new cycle?

What can we possibly do to find ourselves on the right path to change and

transformation in our lives and the lives of all? To intercede in the course of the

universe and inspire the whole world to find balance and conscience?

I tell myself there's no obstacle between me and others, my energy and the

energy of others, me and nature. We are one, yet I wonder why I always think

people are opposite me, or against me. I've been by myself for a while, I don't

know how to do the 'working together' thing. Apart from Lyra, I don't know anyone

who does yoga or shares my beliefs and because of that I view this as a journey

that I must make by myself. I think that people have different goals to me, ones

that will distract me from mine so I push them away. I shouldn't do that. I must be

at one with other people as well as nature and myself.

Harmony and the potence to transform ourselves. That was my wish for this new

year and it sounded logical to everbody in the room except that it became

awfully and unbearably emotional. We all stood in silence for a minute or two and

it became obvious that THAT was the answer.

2nd day at Bioconstruyendo. Getting inside these houses made of clay and straw,

touching their walls and feeling their warmth. The kind of warmth you certainly
don't get from brick and mortar. Soaking my hands in liquid clay mud and rubbing

both my skin and the walls with it. In time for eating the bitter flavours of summer's

crop: green leaves of all kinds and textures I personally harvested from the huerta.

Diente de Leon, Calendula flowers, malva, lettuce, cabbage, ...

Now I know why I haven't built my house yet. This signal means I was in need of

some motivator and I am proud to have waited for it. To grow my own food and to

build my own shelter seems to have gained so much relevance in my life and I am

beginning to wonder whether it is my mission. To get rid of civilization and its

miseries have always been a must to me. I should return to the land.

Chapter 31

Freedom shortcuts

At 20 i started noticing there was something wrong with my hearing. It was growing

more and more sensitive and very often it got seriously harmed by loud noises. The

funny thing was that my father speaks really loudly and he's very fond of slamming

doors at a rate of approximately twice a minute. I was still living at my parents' and

it became evident that I could no longer endure that. At first, I tried to fight it. Of
course, what other alternative did I have? I was still going to university, commuting

in a big city, trying hard to work and study only to get home to...more noise and

rumbling. I love my parents and I loved them back then too. It was puzzling me in

such a way that I decided to block my ears. That's right. That was the amazingly

creative and smart idea I could come up with as a solution. So I bought myself a

pair of silicon ear plugs that worked only if you stuck them inside your ears. The kind

of device that heavy duty construction-workers may need to protect their hearing

from really loud machines and hurting intense sound vibrations that could cause

them to eventually go deaf. So, here is the thing: My parents had turned into THIS

unstoppable hurting intense sound. Was it something I was creating? Was I a

disrespectful spoilt child? Was i being intolerant? Was I the problem?

After a while, I learnt to accept that I was NOT the problem. It was not my parents

or society. It was the combination of the 3. The answer is always in the grey area.

I learnt it the hard way, though. Too many months and probably years of migraines

and ear plugs, only to end up at the doctor's office begging for help. I would have

agreed to get my brains removed if necessary only to diminish the pressure inside

my head.

So that was it. I was moving out of my family's house and out of my nightmare life

in the big city. It took me years of trying different things before I could sharpen

chances. Too many times I had changed jobs, carreers and boyfriends. It was time
already to look for the solution/answer somewhere else and it was up to me to buy

a ticket to that somewhere.

In this "neverending race" of life, as portrayed by a dear friend of mine, I had

apparently only reached the first stage's finish line. Now, running along the second

stage, my unusually tired young body and mind started asking for and noticing

that it needed assistance. Was I not meant to finish the race? Was I a quitter? Had

I not really solved the problem before? Was it another new unexpected problem I

had to take care of? I'd walked out of one problem and into another, had I solved

anything at all?

To soften my worries, Matthew showed up in my life as a gift from heaven that

would relieve me from myself and my endless problems.

Meanwhile I had AGAIN got rid of my OTHER family. My aunt and uncle, cousins

and friends who had also decided to leave the big city and had gathered up in

Bariloche and held me and supported me when I arrived. But unfortunately, my

friends "unbearable noise" and "strife" showed up once again to ruin my happiness

and the family feeling. And I was NOT going to start taking painkillers and stuck

the ear plugs again.

So, I am off and away from any convivience with ramblers or intruding noises. But

the loneliness feeling grew stronger and stronger and it got way out of control. I

needed some back up.

The relationship lasted 6 years. 2 weeks dating and the rest living together. In-law-

family quickly reminded me of my previous experience sharing family life

struggle...and worse: "Lonely-ranger-loneliness" to the rescue once again. My

relation with solitude is as much complex as any other. It has its cons and its pros

and we can easily go from being best friends to hating each other. Too much or

too intense are often the reasons why. I then decided to be friends with

moderation. I gave up asking solitude to be only good to me and broke up with

lonerism.

I see now that I have succeeded in changing people's rumbling, social demands

to-do-list, multitasking voices in my brain and car engine noises for the sound of the

flowing waters of the river, the wind in the trees and the gentle voice of my

spirit/inner teacher inside my head.

Together with all that, came a sense of motherhood, maturity and patience. I

have to tell you, I never thought I would be that woman!

So what now? A new relationship would now be appropiate and meant to be

then? Am I in the next stage of the race, finally? When did I cross the 2nd stage

finish line anyway?

Having had no time to realise it, Ces entered my life. And exited it. And re-entered

it.

The kids taught me my first lesson on motherhood and I don't think it was the kind

of lesson that provides the necessary flexibility to allow any mistakes to happen.

People got hurt. They got hurt. I got hurt. We all did. Deeply and beyond repair.

Chapter 32

Healing systems or the power of quiet, slow and gentle

"Take some time for yourself" is easier said than done. But I am doing it.

I have decided to speak in a low voice and wait for others to finish their sentences

before I take my turn to talk. I talk slowly but firmly and make kind, loving eye

contact every time. But more essentially, I build my confidence before I go talk to

the people. Every morning I wake up with enough time to perform every little

movement in the slowest way possible. Consciously. Taking in the feeling and

seizing the moment. And it works. People tell me I have this emotional intelligence

and it is a nice surprise. I am actually making it!

So I am healing myself. And basic everyday skills such as speaking, feeling,

walking, moving around, hanging out, etc are the cure-tools. This is the most

amazing part, I have found out. I needed this. When you notice that you are

struggling with the basics of human communication, then is the time to fix yourself.

It would probably be better to heal before you get to that stage but let's be

realistic: there are so many unconscious and sudden changes that go on, you can

never prepare for them. You sink deep into your problems and then you have to

climb out. It can make you feel very out of order and off-balanced with the world,

but that is why Hatha saves me. It is steady and slow, the total opposite of the

bungee jump that life often turns out to be.

Anyway, I want to move forward. I feel I need a partner, a companion. I visualized

it just now. He would fall in love and he will be willing to moderately share daily

joys/joy.

Chapter 33

Nourishment systems or the power of quiet, slow and gentle

Air has become something special for me. It has climbed up positions in the top

ten ranking of nourishing resources and It has reached position number one.

Water, of course, comes second and only after, food. And has turned out to be

such a revelation to me that I think about it many times during the day. Specially

when I take a deep breath. This is what Lyra meant when she talked about the

toxicity of modernity. People thing they need fancy houses and cars and clothes

and they forget that what they really need, and only need, is air, water and food.

Everything else is a luxury.

I've started to relish air so much that I think of it as a luxury. I appreciate so much.

My belly is filled with air in such a way that my womb is starting to come to life at

last. It has grown bigger, stronger and more elastic. And it has started talking to me

about motherhood/pregnancy.

Air did not use to be a very good friend of mine (in the past), though. Only that I

was the mistaken one. Its disguised appearance used to confuse me. I used to

take its costume for its essence. Polluted city air was this little unfortunate

guy/fellow I used to hate.

Surrounding myself with the good stuff (or acknowledging it) has nourished me

and saved me.

Chapter 34

Endurance

What's next? i am beginning to lose my hopes now. How can I possibly believe in

myself when I am so faulty? And tired and moody and no good news has arrived

lately. Epiphanies are easy for the first few minutes, like resolutions. January is filled

with such hope and then you return to the daily grind and the glitter disappears

and you're left with what you had beforehand and it is so difficult to stay positive

and hopeful that that should probably have been our resolution in the first place.

Uranus is supposed to be moving forwards and i am trying really hard here. I see no

changes. Orientation left me some hours ago and I have no reference but to keep

stumbling in the dark. I know darkness is not the only thing. I know it is everyone's

mission to be brave and face uncertainty. A tiny little voice says to me, 'there is

never anything to fear. It is only to be understood.' But what if I can't understand it?

I am feeling doomed. Where does that notion come from, anyway? Doomed?

Well, I have always felt that way. Open-mindedness can go two ways. You can

open up to positivity or open up to negativity. I seem to have, as usual, chosen

negativity. Maybe it's time to work on it.

Chapter 35

Waiting system back up

Ok. I do have my moments of anxiety too. I get desperate too. I long for that

sacred moment Ces will call me. And I suffer when I do not get what I expect. My

old waiting system may beinsufficient at times. Even to myself: the very creator of

the system. Whatever i can come up with, it won't be enough to have my fire

under control.

Ancestors can come in handy in such moments. My Granma, for instance, comes

to me whenever I feel stressed out. Work, love or health issues can be diminished

and mitigated by the very thought about that soul of the loved one who has died

and left us forever only to become stardust.

(Come back by Pearl Jam)

Chapter 36

Leaving (That particular moment by Alanis Morissette)

Leaving Bioconstruyendo

Chapter 38

The ditch/ Going up and Coming down the mountain

So, I guess, everything inevitably happens without and explanation and even

when the ditch is too wide and deep to swim across, I somehow manage to pull it

through.

It was his eyes that drew my attention. Not because they were young and free of

wrinkles. On the contrary. Their color and expression kept me looking right straight
at them. I would and I did tilt my head to look at them more closely. No one

around was paying attention to them and certainly nobody was paying attention

to him. Meanwhile, in my typical daydreaming-kind-of-behavior, I could become a

wife for those eyes, I thought. I could move to another city to meet that look every

day. Those eyes held such passion, fire, hope and just LIFE that you could survive

off of them and them alone.

This is the way I am. I have to stay true to that. It may be corny and too over-the-

top romantic but it is what it is. And I like it that way. It is only natural to me. This is

my hope.

But, to my carefree surprise, these particular eyes turned out to be young indeed.

Once again my heart was beating faster and stronger than usual and even when I

have experienced that happening many many times in my life and the fact that it

is a very common thing for people in general, it is STILL powerful.

I WAS THANKFUL. I was STILL able to feel intensely and that was not a minor thing.

Obviously, I immediately urged myself to take action. That is EXACTLY when I

should stop and try to control my fire. I had promised myself to be more feminin

and to let things COME to me.

Even though I felt impelled to kiss him softly, I was desperate not to scare him

away. And, in spite of my age, I am still just a girl after all. I want to be protected
and taken care of, when it comes to love. I am not and would not like to be a

fatale femme. I have always tried to avoid that but I not always succeed. Work,

money and life in general is a much different thing: I need not to be nourished in

such aspects. I am glad that women get to fight for themselves now, I appreciate

the opportunities women now have everyday, and to be under the control of a

man would be suffocatingly oppressive. But there is a fine line between being

oppressed and being taken care of, and I want to be taken care of while still

having my freedom. I have one half of that - now I just need to be looked after

and it will be perfect.

The skin folds on his neck were perfectly carved to form the loveliest shape. They

were like rivers that converged into a fine line at the back of his neck. I remember

it very well `cause I stared at the side of his body for a long time while listening to

him playing the guitar. We sang some songs together. Songs that were not

irrelevant. Songs which made us surprisingly and profoundly aware of our

connection.

I wonder what it would be like to have sex with him. Will he be able to lift my body?

Maybe not. He's thinner than me. Taller but thinner. He isn't broad-shouldered but

his hands are big enough to hold my breasts.

What I do know is what it is like to have sex with Ces. We simply fit together. He

would have me sitting on him and he would grab my hips with his charpenter's

hands. He would suck my tongue with those humid fleshy lips of his and he would
penetrate me gently and gradually. We would look each other on the eye the

whole time except for those moments he would just stare at the delighted

expression on my face till he turned me the other way around. He would kiss the

back of my neck and lick all the way down my spine till he reached my bottom.

Just there he would take little bites only to turn me over again and continue taking

moisture sweet bites now on my thighs.

Right. Is there a way to possibly compete with that? I imagine looking into those

soulful eyes instead of Ces'.

Anyhow, I do not expect anyone to copy that. Not even myself. I know I can co-

create a whole new amazing way with the one I feel connected to.

Alvaro would approach me and I would be able to sense the nearness of his sweet

smell till our noses make the first soft contact and his thin lips give way to that

delicious tongue of his which would shyly make contact with my slightly slit open

mouth. I would taste his humidity and suck his flavor. He would take my wrists with

those precise guitarrist long fingers and place my arms around his waist. His arms

would now hold my face, squeeze it a little bit just in time for him to build some

confidence, stepping out of his cocoon of shyness and just then he would suck my

mouth into his. Right after separating our lips, the tip of my tongue would touch my

upper teeth in a attempt to taste the remaining flavor of his. Right there, he would

kiss the back of my tongue and press my chest against his. His hands now holding

my back, shortening the distance between our bodies, he leans and kisses my
chin, then my chest with a long humid kiss that leads to the next kiss now down

under. He continues to go down, bends his knees, holds my breasts with his

embracing hands. He now kisses my navel, places the tip of his tongue into it and

takes a small bite that makes me shiver with pleasure. His head now taking a bow

and I sink my hands in his silky curly hair. I lean over, stretching my hands and arms

along his back and we both let ourselves fall to the floor. First, he holds my body by

the back of my hips and then he places one arm around my waist and moves his

head to the side, placing my body flat on the warm spring floor. He now licks my

knees and moves up to my thighs till his body is totally and symmetrically parallel to

mine. We gently touch each other's hair and face and look into the other person's

eyes. I melt with desire but the color of his eyes simply paralyses me right on time

for him to enter me softly and completely. The rest of the night unravels slowly and

swiftly and completely.

Morning comes and my mind introduces me to a new concept today: Karma. It is

the potential and the "unpotential", both negative and positive aspects and

features of personality. Also, the possibilities and the lack of those: the needs and

the struggle. These are the pieces of the puzzle to form the picture of Dharma, our

mission. Great! Another day in paradise! I thought. How can I possibly get away

with it? Or the opposite, solve the riddle? Is it not too much to ask? WHO is sending

me this information? Tell him/her to stop please! Leave me alone!

How many sensations can fit in a year of time? I have come to learn that the

answer is: Certainly too many! So, next task: Selection. Which sensations are more

relevant to invest my limited energy on processing only those chosen ones? Again,

let me go!

Alvaro called. I wonder what he wants. He needs to see me.

All this time I have thought about relationships and connection but not really

about sex. I have had no sex while on a trip where everyone seems to be seeking

some of it. I need to see myself through right now. Why have I decided not to have

sex? Is it, all of a sudden, pointless? Is it not healthy or interesting anymore?

Where do I stand? Right here. I am seeking love. Not sex. I have come to this point

in my life were sex has, luckily, not been turned into a strategy to steal energy from

others, a vice, an addiction, a way to make your husband stay or a useful tool

allowing you to take a break from boring married life and prevent yourself from

blowing your brains off or become a walking dead. Again, two points to the new

girl who has, so far, succeeded in NOT making a mess out of her sex life. And it is

not only about sex. It's about bringing something new to the floor. I think I am

solving part of the puzzle. It's about innocence, in the end.

I have survived the lusty energy of many around me. And not only men. It felt like

they wanted to eat me alive and nourish themselves with my flesh and blood. I

have survived the upsetting/frustrating feeling of having rejected the sacred

tempting virtues of young boys offering their honey to me. I have neglected my

power of seduction. I have not made a business out of my virtues. I have not sold

myself.

Moments of clarity are so rare. I'd better document this.

Chapter 39

Rearview mirror

(Thurday´s child by David Bowie)

Chapter 40

The memory in my muscles

My body remembers a lot more than my mind does. The frequent shivering feeling I

get -whenever I pay attention to it and decide to register it, take note of it,

consider it relevant- usually matches a certain date in time that brings a memory

of something intense that happened long ago.

Chapter 41

Friends` aid or the return to innocence

Santiago, Bel, Mariana, Xavier, Juana, Helene and Dan showed up unexpectedly

when the time was right.

It felt like a waterfall/wave of fan`s visiting my website. I knew they had a role to

play and so, I just embraced their lovely invasion.

Some of them behaved like enemies and some, luckily, did not. I had the energy

to put up with all that and so decided to pay serious attention to the message

they were trying to deliver.

Quotes to remember: Each and every one of them talking about another:

Helene is going insane. She still loves you and she can´t accept you chose Ces

instead of her. On top of that her life is going straight to hell since she is creating

conflict all around just the way her mum does when she can´t have everything

under control. , an extremely tired and surprisingly emotional version of Dan

informed that the night he stayed for dinner.

Mariana was talking shit about you…about the way you interacted with the kids…

Xavier accused.

Dan is totally out of his mind. He blamed me for that stupid episode. ,Bel said.

You are an ungrateful bitch. , Juana yelled at me at the bar the night we ran into

each other.
That overconfidence I call arrogance that you show every time someone around

you talks to you about fear, gives me the creeps and makes me feel I am an idiot ,

Santiago bursted into tears.

I never stopped asking Ces about you. I am glad you are together again.

Mariana told me the day she phoned.

I am sick of Ces. I am sick of you. I am sick of myself. Helene exploded.

Fortunately, I do not regret having answered the following:

It may take years for Helene to accept her Karma and work it out. It happens to us

all. Maybe, you should take some distance and live on your own, away from her.

Why are you telling ME this? How can I possibly help? I will never reject her. That´s

for sure.

I guess she did not mean that. She was probably under the effect of Prozac. You

knew he took that medicine, right? She is very unstable at times.

You are certainly not a saint, Bel.

It´s not my issue. And I do have issues of my very own. You go on building up your

confidence. I will not diminish mine just because you need a piece of it.

Fuck you! You manipulator bitch! I took distance from you `cause you were

sucking my blood!

I am glad too .

Helene, I am not gay. I am sorry. I love you as a friend.

Friends are mirrors, as they say.

Chapter 42
MAITE or devotional love

Do you remember what we are here for, my darlings? Is it not a great thing that

we have awakened to this lovely call of the spirit?

Long I have desired to find a spiritual guide and, to my amazement, I have found

2. And both of them are women.

And males? Are they not capable of teaching me valuable things? Have I learnt

nothing about my male side? Well, here`s what:

What if you found out that the people you have decided to abandon throughout

your life became the living evidence of your spiritual progress? Is that cynical?

My next travels will take me somewhere unknown. I have forgotten about the

places I have been and there's nothing that has made me feel attached to those

places or my friends there. Nabeel in Finland, Davis Mess in Korea, Helene in

Germany, Will in California, Ned in Denver, Carlos in Spain...

And locally, Leo in Cafayate, Sebastian in Neuquen, Pau in Lanus BA...These

relationships have undoubtedly been my guidance to get to know myself better.

The traveling thing is a plus.

Thankyouhappythankyoumoreplease.

Chapter 43

The newcomer or Ces' big come back

After all the coming and going, it´s funny how we end up in the same place. We

may probably feel different but physically standing at the very same spot we were

when we started the journey.

I still love you. And you surprise me every time I stop seeing you for a while and

then we meet again.

It will pass. Don´t worry.

It won´t. Don’t you see?

See what, Ces?

I am good to you, after all. I thought I wasn´t. It is a revelation to me to feel this

way.

Good for you. Meanwhile my life is a mess. I want good things for myself. This year

WILL be different. I will succeed. I have very big plans for myself. And you are NOT

included.

He might be a different person, I thought. But I decided not to confess that to him.

Listen. Why do you push me? It´s not like it´s all MY fault.

It´s not. But we don´t stand a chance together. There´s no solution, anyway. I´m

moving away.

Please don´t…and Where? What for?

I need to believe in love again. Romantic love. Functional love. Marriage. A

husband. A father for my kids.

You are such a dreamer.

Why? Because you and your ex wife could not make it work? Did you love her,

anyway? Did she love you?

I do want to marry you, though.

So, do it

You know I can´t.

Chapter 44

True Newcomer

So, what now?

The waiting system is starting to prove faulty. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I

should just join the police force or become a forest ranger and to hell with it.

Alvaro is here in Bariloche but he won´t see me. His friends have persuaded him

not to. Damn it!

Chapter 45

Disruptive ways

Don´t say goodbye to me, please. Not just yet. , he was crying.

It´s ok, love. We will see.

What exactly does he want from me? What´s he planning to do, really? Does he

know what he´s doing at all? I just can no longer see what the point is. It´s been 2

years we are together now and we still love each other, hi water or hell. That´s

striking. But it is also terrible to think that after all we have tried; many different

things, systems, tried really hard and we are not allowed to be happy together.

Chapter 46

Europe time
Going away has always meant a lot to me. And this was a fascinating and

unexpected opportunity.

(Helene and me travelling to Germany)

I know that it won't all go smoothly, but that will be okay. I will be prepared this

time.

Chapter 47

Meditation life vest (salvavidas)

Headache visited me yesterday and stayed the night. Just in time to ruin my

vacation I was so thrilled about. Helene´s friends in Wedding, Berlin had opened

the doors of their house to us and we were having a great time. Headache

reminded me of the learning I was postponing to do. Meditation was the only

option to go to that place of no time, no pressure. Only I did not know how to

disconnect from reality and I had to come up with a solution. No pills allowed, no

alcohol or drugs-which was utterly opposite to the German normality of my fellow

young adults. I had to solve that.

***

Hello! Thank you so much for giving me this project, I have enjoyed it so much! I

have added 2000 words and have, as you can see, basically just expanded upon

things that I really wanted to. When I first read it I felt like it was rushing a little bit, so

I added to it and I think that slows it down somewhat.

Thoughts on what you have written so far:

(I have quite a few questions and thoughts which probably all seem negative.

Please don't take them that way, I thoroughly enjoyed your writing and these

points are only to try and improve it further)

1: I wasn't sure who she was writing this for, I felt like an introductory paragraph

might be necessary. Something like 'I am going on a spiritual journey and I will

record my progress'. But I haven't written anything like that because I don't know

why she's writing this but you do :)

2: I also wasn't sure about what happened with the house-sharing business, it

seemed to fizzle out?

3: When I first read this I got a bit confused by the time scale. When was she writing

this? It would suddenly jump forward a few months but wasn't really clear. If this is a

diary (to record her spiritual journey and things) then you could add the date to

the beginning of each chapter. If it isn't a diary then it would be good to have a

scene-setting line near the beginning of each chapter, for instance, "it's been

unusually cold for March". I think months would be a good way to track the time,

especially if you use it in conjunction with the changes of the planets. "Next month

... will happen."

Title:

I actually really like The Inner Answer but I've come up with a few other suggestions

as you asked me to:

The Courage of Living

Looking Up

Through the Maze, to the Truth

What next:

I have already added 2000 words to the original document, but nothing after the

end. I have to admit I really wasn't sure where to take the story as by that point she

is so in control of her life, and so open to the universe her story could go anywhere!

I didn't want to write another 2000 words only for you to dislike the plot I had

created, so I thought I would list the ideas that I had for the continuation of the

story:

She is still sick in Germany and Helene comforts her but is painfully aware of the

unreciprocated love she has and so doesn't want to get too close. Natasha

complains to Helene about Ces being so fickle and how he ultimately doesn't

believe in love anymore because of his ex, and how Alvaro's friends stopped him

from seeing her. Helene is hurt by this and tells Natasha (once she is feeling better)

that she is selfish.

She has two moments of clarity while in Germany. The first is about family. She sees

how happy and loving Helene's family is and realises that families like that do

actually exist and that it is possible. The second epiphany is after Helene calls her

selfish. She realises that she is and how she has been treating herself as a planet

and other people as her moons. She didn't mean to but she couldn't help it. She

forgot that they were all planets too, in particular, Ces' kids.
She goes to Lyra for advice on how to create a clean slate. She wants to start

again, to do it better. Lyra tells her that this isn't really possible, instead you just

have to find the courage everyday (hence the title The Courage of Living) to go

out everyday and try to do things better than you did them yesterday. Bearing

that in mind, Natasha apologises to Helene. "I never seriously considered your

feelings for me and I am sorry. I have been so caught up in improving myself and

doing what I can to deal with what life throws at me, I've become accustomed to

thinking that other people are doing the same. I will more be careful and more

gentle in future, I hope you forgive me."

Natasha realises from this that you need a lot more than love for a relationship to

survive. She decides, because of this, to permanently end things with Ces. Yes, she

loves him. Yes, he loves her. But that is not enough and even though they both

tried to make it work, they seemed to end up going in opposite directions.

She talks to Alvaro and asks if they can take things slowly. He agrees that this is a

good idea. Natasha has realised that she doesn't actually NEED anyone now, not

like she used to. Now she is capable of handling things herself, and consequently

can handle having someone else in her life. She wants someone else in her life.

The end.

Obviously that's a very shortened version of my idea but it's totally open to

interpretation. My other reason for not wanting to write that out is because I'm

afraid I don't know nearly enough about astronomy and so I wouldn't have been

able to work that into it, and I also don't know which songs you would want in

there.