Boundaries

Study Guide

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last update = 17Sep2015

based on “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend

This document contains a summary of key points from each chapter of “Boundaries” as well as discussion
questions. Additionally, there are exercises for some chapters which may occur before or after the chapter review
and discussion.

Note: If you are leading a group study of the book and want to do the exercise for chapter 3, you’ll need to bring
enough apples so that each person has one. You will also need a container large enough to hold the apples.

Chapter 1: A Day in a Boundaryless Life .........1

Chapter 2: What Does a Boundary Look Like?1
Exercise: Boundary Free-association.................2
Chapter 3: Boundary Problems .......................... 3
Exercise: Recognize Your Load ............................3
Chapter4: How Boundaries are Developed ....4
Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries ..................5
Chapter 6: Common Boundary Myths.............. 6
Chapter 7: Boundaries and Your Family ........ 7
Chapter 8: Boundaries and Your Friends ......8
Chapter 9: Boundaries and Your Spouse ......8
Chapter 10: Boundaries and Your Children .9
Chapter 11: Boundaries and Work ..................9
Chapter 12: Boundaries and Your Self ......10
Chapter 13: Boundaries and God .................10
Chapter 14: Resistance to Boundaries ......11
Chapter 15: How to Measure Success with
Boundaries ............................................................... 12
Exercise: Boundaries Self-assessment .........13
Chapter 16: A Day in the Life with Boundaries
......................................................................................14
Exercise: Personal Action Plan .........................14
Chapter 1: A Day in a Boundaryless Life
Points to Consider
You can’t do everything.
Part of being responsible and taking
ownership is knowing what is your job and
what is not.
Chapter 2: What Does a Boundary Look Like?
Points to Consider
Boundary A limit beyond which an activity or
function should not take place.
Boundaries can be physical, spiritual, or
conceptual. Pro 4:23
Burden Excess that weighs down a person. God
wants us to help others with what they
cannot do themselves. Gal 6:2
Load Cargo or daily toil for which a person is
responsible. God wants each of us to
carry his own load. Gal 6:5
A boundary shows you where you end and
someone else begins.
Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out.
The word “no” sets boundaries.
God wants you to be clear about your “no”
and your “yes.” Mat 5:37, Jas 5:12
Methods of boundary setting include
geographical distance, time, and emotional
distance.
Boundaries Study Guide
Discussion Questions
Do you agree that you can’t do everything?
In what circumstances are you likely to take
on more than is comfortable for you?
There should be consequences when
someone crosses boundaries. 2The 3:10,
Pro 16:26
Avoid manipulating or falling prey to
manipulation.
Take responsibility for and pay attention to
your: feelings, attitudes & beliefs-Mark 7:8,
behaviors-Gal 6:7-8, choices-Gal 5:23, values-
John 12:43, talents, thoughts-2Cor 10:5,
desires-Jas 4:2-3, heart.
Discussion Questions
For you personally, what does it take to know
God’s boundaries?
What is the danger of being unclear about
God’s boundaries?
What is the danger of being unclear about
your own boundaries?
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Exercise: Boundary Free-association

Purpose Practice discussing thoughts about boundaries.

step action
Participant
Instructions 1 When the session leader says, “begin.” Write as many words as you can that
relate in some way to “boundaries.”
[Session leader says, “begin,” gives participants 60 seconds then says,
“stop.”]

2 Form sub-groups of 3 or 4.
In your sub-group, agree on 4 words from your combined lists that you think best
relate to boundaries.
[Session leader gives sub-groups 3 minutes for this step, then says,
“stop.”]

3 Session leader calls on each participant:

State one of the 4 words from your sub-group.
Briefly explain how the word relates to boundaries.

4 Discussion:
What apprehensions do you have about making changes to the way you
manage your boundaries?
In what setting (home, job, ministry, social) do you think you would be most
comfortable beginning to clarify and firm up your boundaries?

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Chapter 3: Boundary Problems
Points to Consider Discussion Questions

Compassionate Compliant from the inside out Of the four boundary problems, which causes you
= the most frustration in interacting with others?
Sacrificial = Compliant on the outside and In what ways do your boundary problems harm
resentful on the inside your relationships with others?

God wants us to be compassionate, not sacrificial.

Mat 9:13

Problem-1 saying yes to the bad

Problem-2 saying no to the good
Problem-3 not respecting other’s boundaries,
aggression, manipulation
Problem-4 being non-responsive

Exercise: Recognize Your Load

Purpose Emphasize the challenges of and importance of recognizing what is your load and what is not
your load.

step action
Participant [Session leader reads instruction in this step then says, “begin,” gives
Instructions 1 participants 60 seconds then says, “stop.”]
Accept an apple from the session leader. This apple represents the load God
has given you.
Get to know your apple. How does it look, feel, or smell? Embrace your apple. 😀

[Session leader collects all apples then places them randomly on a table.]
2 Place your apple in the container that the session leader provides.
Find and retrieve your apple from the group of apples on the table. Be certain
that you have the correct apple.
Discussion:
3 How were you able to recognize your apple?
In what way did the time you spent getting to know your apple help you recognize
your apple?
In the metaphor of the apple as your personal load, what can you do to be sure
you recognize the load God has given you?
What problems do you think you will face if you fail to recognize and accept your
load?

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Chapter4: How Boundaries are Developed
Points to Consider Discussion Questions

1-Bonding Loved enough by God and others to In what ways can a parent’s “good intentions” cause
not feel isolated. Eph 3:17, Col 2:7 boundary injuries to a child?
2-Separation Hatching: feeling safe enough to
& begin taking risks
Individuation Practicing: feeling exhilarated
with new experiences
Rapprochement: becoming
aware of limits

Boundary Injuries: What Goes Wrong?

Parents who withdraw when a child attempts to
set boundaries. 1Cor 13:8
Parents who become hostile when a child
attempts to set boundaries. Col 3:21, Eph 6:4
Parents who over-control their children.
Parents who fail to set limits.
Parents who are unpredictable in setting limits.
Trauma.
Our own character traits.
Our own sinfulness.

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Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries
Points to Consider

1-Law of Sowing and Reaping 6-Law of Evaluation

If you rescue an Let the irresponsible Consider how the boundaries you set effect others.
irresponsible person, you person suffer the Speak the truth in love. Eph 4:25
interfere with the Law of consequences of his
Sowing and Reaping. behavior. Pro 9:8 7-Law of Pro-activity
Don’t use your freedom to indulge your sinful
2-Law of Responsibility nature. Gal 5:13-15
If you take on someone Give to legitimate needs. The ultimate expression of power is love.
else’s responsibility, you Put limits on sin.
interfere with the Law of Pro 19:19, Pro 23:13 8-Law of Envy
Responsibility. Envy focuses outside our boundaries. Gal 6:4
Focus on what is inside your boundaries.
3-Law of Power
You have the power to: 9-Law of Activity
Agree with the truth Ask God to meet God will match your effort, but He will not do your
of your problem your developmental work for you.
(confess). 1John 1:9 needs. God’s expectation is that you will try. Heb
Submit your inability Make amends to 10:38-39, Mat 7:7-8
to God. Jas 4:7-10 those you have
Ask God to show you injured. You cannot 10-Law of Exposure
your boundaries. change other people, You need to make your boundaries visible to
Turn from the evil but you can change others. Eph 5:13-14
within you (repent). the way you respond God wants us to have an open relationship with
to them. Him and with others. Psa 51:6

4-Law of Respect
Respect other’s boundaries as you want them to
respect yours. Mat 7:12, Jas 1:25 Discussion Questions

5-Law of Motivation Which of the above laws have you seen active in
First, understand your freedom, then, serve out of your relationships?
love. If you picked one Law for focused self-
improvement, which one would it be?

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Chapter 6: Common Boundary Myths
Points to Consider Discussion Questions

MYTH REALITY Which boundary myth creates the most problems

1-setting Setting boundaries is part of for you?
boundaries is being a good steward of your
selfish time, talents, and treasures. What can a person do to overcome feeling that
2-boundaries are a God is more concerned with they must repay a ‘gift’?
sign of your heart than with
disobedience compliance. Hos 6:6, 2Cor 9:7
3-others will hurt If someone is unwilling to
me if I try to set respect your boundaries, your
boundaries relationship with that person is
already poor.
4-if I set Though your ‘no’ may cause
boundaries, I’ll hurt some discomfort for another,
others there are times when a ‘no’ is
necessary to take care of
yourself. Mat 14:22-23, Gal 6:5

MYTH REALITY
5-boundaries mean Setting new boundaries may
I’m angry uncover some anger from
previous boundary violations.
Once you recognize and get past
anger, you can begin positive
boundary setting. Don’t get mad.
Set a limit.
6-when others set Failing to respect other’s
boundaries, it boundaries is selfish. Mat 7:12
injures me You are responsible for meeting
your own needs.
7-boundaries cause When you receive something,
feelings of guilt determine if it is a gift or a loan.
Repay loans. Show thankfulness
for gifts and in turn show
kindness to others. Col 2:7
8-boundaries are You own your boundaries. You
permanent can adjust them to fit changing
circumstances. Jonah 3:10

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Chapter 7: Boundaries and Your Family
Points to Consider
When your relationship with one person affects
your relationships with others, it is a sign of
boundary problems.
A person who does not stand on his own
financially is a child.
Triangulation is failure to resolve a conflict directly
by involving a third person to take sides. God
wants you to resolve your conflicts directly and in
private. Mat 18:15
Boundaries can prevent resentment about giving
to parents. 2Cor 12:4
To grow spiritually, you must leave the authority of
your parents and put yourself under God’s
authority. Gal 4:1-7, Mat 23:9, Mat 10:35-37
! Poor planning on your part does not
constitute an emergency on my part.
Law of Power = You only have the power to
change yourself. You are responsible for how you
relate to a ‘problem’ person.
Boundaries Study Guide
PLAN FOR SOLVING FAMILY BOUNDARY PROBLEMS
1 Identify your discomfort.
2 Identify the boundary violation that is causing
your discomfort.
3 Identify the need you are trying to meet that
makes is difficult to set boundaries.
4 Reach out to God and His family to meet your
need.
5 Practice boundary setting in a safe
environment.
6 Protect yourself from boundary violations.
7 Forgive past boundary violations. Expect
nothing from the violator. Let it go. Move
forward.
8 Begin today to respond rather than react.
Make a conscious choice within your
boundaries.
9 Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not
guilt.
Discussion Questions
If you were to use the plan above to solve a
boundary problem, at what step would you begin
to struggle? Why?
What can you do to make it easier to successfully
complete the difficult step(s) in the plan?
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Chapter 8: Boundaries and Your Friends

Points to Consider

Generally, a compliant in a relationship will deny Discussion Questions

his or her boundaries in an attempt to keep the
peace. This leads to the compliant becoming Outside of ministry and family, do you have
resentful and dissatisfied. friendships?
Because the compliant is the one experiencing In what way might clarifying your boundaries
the discomfort, the compliant is the one improve your friendships?
responsible for addressing the problem. Matthew
18
Before taking action, it is generally helpful for the
compliant to seek support from God and
responsible members of His family.
The necessary action for the compliant is to tell
the truth, clearly identify boundaries, and follow
through on appropriate consequences.
Staying connected to God and His family gives you
the grace to resolve boundary conflicts.
You need to be comforted before you can comfort
others. 2Cor 1:4

Chapter 9: Boundaries and Your Spouse

Points to Consider Discussion Questions

You are responsible for communicating your What behaviors from you are likely to make it easier
feelings to your spouse. for your spouse to make the free choice to be
You will not get everything you want. Sometimes submissive?
your wants will conflict with the wants of your
spouse.
Give freely, but not past the point of love. 2Cor 9:7
You are responsible for setting the limits.
If your spouse crosses limits, you must let him/
her suffer the consequences of those actions.
Set boundaries for how you will behave in certain
situations. You can’t control how your spouse
behaves, but you can control how you behave.
It is important to communicate your boundaries
clearly and lovingly then follow through on the
consequences you have established. Mat 18:15,
Jas 2:14-26
Submission is the free choice of one person to
another. Eph 5:21 (167)

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Chapter 10: Boundaries and Your Children

Points to Consider
Teach children to delay gratification, Pro 6:6-11,
Discipline = an external boundary designed to Luke 14:28.
develop internal boundaries Teach children that the world does not revolve
around them. They must learn to accept ‘no’ from
Discipline includes others.
‣ Pro-activity, prevention, instruction, Eph 6:4 Learning to respect others’ boundaries helps us
‣ Correction, chastisement, consequences, develop empathy for others. This gives us a
Pro 15:10 foundation to learn to love God and others.
The lessons we learn from discipline help us not A person with well-developed boundaries has an
repeat mistakes, Heb 2:10 internal sense of motivation.

Take responsibility for your needs and teach

children to take responsibility for their needs Discussion Questions

Step Identify your needs. Help children learn to Regarding discipline, what success have you had
1 express their feelings and needs. with being proactive (prevention, instruction)?
What are some challenges with corrective
Step Initiate responsible care-taking for discipline?
2 yourself. Allow children to experience age-
appropriate consequences for what they
do. Heb 5:14 If you choose to _____,
you’re also choosing to ____.

Chapter 11: Boundaries and Work

Points to Consider
Discussion Questions
Whatever we do, God calls us to work as unto the
Lord, Col 3:23 How can you be sure you are clear which tasks
Don’t justify why you won’t do someone else’s are important and which are not?
work. Avoid bailing out irresponsible people. How can you be sure you know which
Set limits on yourself. Spend time on the most responsibilities are yours and which are not?
important things. Say, “no” to the unimportant, When you face a supercritical person, what do
Exo 18:14-27. you plan to do?
Avoid arguing with or trying to gain approval from
a supercritical person, Pro 9:7-8.
The workplace is not where you should resolve
your unmet childhood needs.
Avoid letting work issues emotionally control your
life.
Work with God to find out who you really are and
what kind of work fits the SHAPE He gave you,
Rom 12:2, Psa 37:4-5.
God holds you accountable for what you do with
the time, talents, and treasures He gives you, Ecc
11:9.

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Chapter 12: Boundaries and Your Self
Points to Consider
Money isn’t the problem; it’s the ‘love’ of money
that’s the problem, 1Tim 6:10. Learn to say, ‘no’
to unnecessary spending.
People who don’t manage their time
inconvenience and frustrate others.
Those who fail to complete tasks or finish them
poorly have boundary problems.
It is important to set boundaries on your tongue,
Pro 10:19, Pro 17:27, James 3:9-10, Mat
12:36.
Though it is difficult to admit your problems to
others, God designed us to need encouragement
from others, Ecc 4:10, John 15:1-6, Eph 4:16.
Will power is not sufficient to control self, Col
2:20-23.
Even if your boundary problems are not your fault,
they are your responsibility.
Chapter 13: Boundaries and God
Points to Consider
God allows you to experience the consequences
of your behavior.
God respects your ‘no.’ You have a choice. God
prefers that you be honest with Him. Ecc 5:5, Psa
51:6, John 4:23-24
God insists you respect His boundaries. He will
not always do what you want Him to do.
God wants to know what you think, Isa 1:18. He
takes that into account as He decides what to do.
God wants you to stay in relationship with Him
regardless of what He decides.
Boundaries help you be the best you can be – in
God’s image, John 17:20-23. You need to be
clear about your responsibilities and about God’s
responsibilities.
Boundaries Study Guide
Isolation makes you spiritually vulnerable, Luke
11:24-26).
When others in our support system let us know
how our lack of self-boundaries hurts them, love
rather than fear becomes a motivator.
You need people in your support group who will be
loving and supportive without rescuing you. They
must understand that rescuing you is not loving.
God teaches through consequences, Gal 6:1.
Discussion Questions
When you get the urge to rescue someone, what
can you do to resist the urge?
For whom can you serve as an accountability
partner to encourage without rescuing?
Where can you turn for encouragement?
Discussion Questions
In what way is it difficult to be honest with God?
In what way is it difficult to accept a “no” from
God?
What can you do to be sure that you stay in
relationship with God even when you are in
conflict with Him?
What can you do to be sure you know which
responsibilities are yours and which are God’s?
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Chapter 14: Resistance to Boundaries

Points to Consider

God has defined who you are and your limits, Psa
16:5-6. Maintaining your boundaries is hard work. One
reason is the resistance you will encounter.

Anger, Pro Speak the truth in love. Avoid becoming Fear of the Pray, asking for God’s guidance.
19:19 angry yourself. Unknown Read the Bible, Pro 3:5-6.
Guilt, Pro You don’t owe a guilt sender an Develop the gifts God has given
25:28 explanation. Be a good listener, but you.
don’t take the blame. Get encouragement from your
Counter- Know what the other person is likely to support group, Ecc 4:9-10.
moves, do when you set boundaries. Be Add some structure to your life.
Psa 18:34 prepared for a battle. Lean on God for Unforgive- Forgiveness is difficult because
resolve. ness you have to let go of something
Physical Seek help immediately in the case of you believe someone “owes” you.
Violence physical violence. Realize the past wrong cannot be
Pain of Even though you will feel sad to see undone; however, if you forgive,
Others their pain, your firm boundaries may you make the wrong powerless,
help the other person begin to take Col 2:14, Col 3:13.
responsibility. Once you forgive, protect yourself
Blame Stick to your boundaries. Try to help with boundaries until the person
the other person see that he is proves he is trustworthy. Mat 3:8
responsible for himself. External Stop expecting others to fix things for
Real Need If the other person’s real need is focus you.
beyond your limits to satisfy, try to help Guilt God wants you to do right out of
them find others who can help. Always love, not guilt, 2Cor 7:10.
pray for real needs. Fill your head with God’s Word to
Forgiveness Always forgive. Forgiveness takes push out the unhelpful guilt
vs. Reconcil- one-you. messages.
iation Only reconcile when the other Fear of Stay close to God (pray, read the
person has proven that he has abandon- Bible, be an active member of a
made changes to be trustworthy. ment church body)
Mat 3:8 Reconciliation takes two. Work to form healthy Christian
Your Unmet Admit you have a problem. relationships.
Needs Realize that you are afraid to set
Unresolved boundaries. Rom 7:15, 19 Expect trials. Being the person God desires you to be
Grief or Loss Seek help from God and others. is worth the battle. James 1:2-4
Identify what (who) it is that you
must let go. 2Cor 6:12
Let go. (Expect to experience a
grieving process.)
Move on. Seek God’s plan for your
life.
Fear of When a person responds to you in
Anger anger, avoid responding back with
anger, but stick to your boundaries.

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Chapter 15: How to Measure Success with Boundaries
Points to Consider When you are boundary-developed, you honor
your promise freely and gladly or you don’t make
A sign that you are beginning to develop the promise.
boundaries is a sense of frustration or anger Learn not to promise before you have counted the
when someone violates your boundaries. cost to you spiritually, emotionally, and materially.
God created you free so you can love and be in a The ultimate goal of learning boundaries is to free
meaningfully close relationship with Him and you up to protect, nurture, and develop the life
others. Col 3:14 and resources God has given you.
You love because He first loved you. 1John 4:19
Guard the treasures God has given you. Pro 4:23
When you respect the boundaries of others, you
work against the self-centeredness that is part of
your fallen nature. Gal 5:14

Discussion Questions

Where do you see yourself along the boundary

development scale?

1 > 2 > 3 > 4 > 5 > 6 > 7 > 8 > 9 > 10 > 11

1=feel anger over violation 2=feel drawn to boundary lovers 3=join a boundary family
4=treasure your treasure 5=practice baby no’s 6=rejoice in guilty feelings
7=practice grown up no’s 8=rejoice in absence of guilt 9=love others’ boundaries
10=freely say no or yes 11=set value-driven goals

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Exercise: Boundaries Self-assessment

For each statement below, indicate a number from 1-10, where “1" means you strongly disagree and
“10" means you strongly agree.

It is easy for me to tell when someone is violating my boundaries. disagree --------------------------------agree

1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I enjoy being around others who set boundaries. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I have a support group that encourages my boundary growth. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I take my role as steward of the time, talents, and treasures God has
given me seriously. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I say, “no” in circumstances where I know people will respect my “no.” 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10
I recognize when I get a twinge of guilt for setting boundaries that are
appropriate that if I persist, I am making progress. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I say, “no” in circumstances where I know people will not react well. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I follow through without guilt on my boundary enforcement. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I honor others’ boundaries and support them in setting boundaries. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I count the cost before I say, “yes.” When I say, “yes,” I honor my
promise. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

I set value-driven goals and set my boundaries to achieve those goals. 1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10

Things to Ponder:

As you carefully consider your responses, which areas are you ready to address in your growth as a healthy
boundary-setter?

As you consider your responses overall, where in your life will you likely have the biggest struggle in setting
boundaries?

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Chapter 16: A Day in the Life with Boundaries
Points to Consider Discussion Questions

Setting boundaries is hard work.
There will be rewards and there will be struggles.
In what way does the “day in the life” change in
this chapter seem realistic or unrealistic?
How much effort in boundary setting are you
willing to do to see a significant “day in the life”
change in your own life?

Exercise: Personal Action Plan

Create a personal action plan to apply a lesson you learned from this book.

My Lesson to Apply:

My Accountability Partner:
(Person who will ask about my consistency, encourage
me, urge me to continue, and praise me for progress)

Specific Behaviors I Commit to Demonstrate as I Apply My Lesson

Behavior Where When

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