“I Just Can’t Accept It” – 4 Steps You Can Take

Step 1: Are you sure about what we mean by the word ‘accept’?

To ‘accept’ does not mean ‘passively accept the situation you’re in’. In this approach, we advocate
committed action, guided by your values, to do whatever you can to improve the situation, or leave
it if that’s the better option.

To accept a feeling, thought, image, memory, emotion, urge, or sensation does not mean to like it,
want it, approve of it, enjoy it, think it’s logical or rational or appropriate. To accept it means to drop
the struggle with it, make room for it, allow it to be there – just like you did with that sheet of paper
in the pushing away paper exercise. (week 6, module 6, component 3).

To accept a thought does not mean you agree with the thought, or believe it, or obey it, or think it’s
good or right. To accept a thought means you see it for what it is – words and pictures – and you
drop the struggle with it, make room for it, allow it to be there; allow it to come and stay and go in
its own good time.

To accept an urge does not mean you agree with or approve of doing whatever it is you have an urge
to do. It does not mean you like or want or approve of the urge, or think it’s healthy or good or right.
To accept an urge simply means to make room for it, allow it to be there without acting on it.

Step 2: Have you tried a variety of different acceptance skills?

One size doesn’t fit all. Try a few different options. Remember, dropping anchor is usually the
simplest, first step towards acceptance. If that’s as far as you get, at least it’s a start.

Step 3: Acceptance Isn’t All-Or-Nothing

It’s useful to think in terms of a struggle scale of 0-10.

10 = full on struggle; I hate this feeling, and I’ll do everything possible to get rid of it

0 = no struggle whatsoever; no matter how painful or unpleasant it is, I’m completely allowing this
feeling to be present, not investing any energy at all in trying to get rid of it. (This is like the paper
resting in your lap in the ‘push away paper exercise)

Zero struggle = full acceptance

You may not be able to drop your struggle all the way to zero, but can you drop it one or two
notches? That’s a useful start. Over time, as you practice these skills, you’ll be able to drop it more.

Step 4: If All Else Fails ….

Then acknowledge reality as it is in this moment: right now you are unable to accept this feeling.
Later it may be different; right now, this is how it is. So can you acknowledge just how painful and
difficult it is in this situation – with painful feelings that you can’t accept - and find a way to be kind
to yourself: consider kind words you can say to yourself, kind deeds you can do for yourself, kind
ways you can treat yourself.

© Russ Harris, 2017 www.TheHappinessTrap.com