COMMUNAL LIVING The Morning After CHARACTERS: Jenny Marsden (Fran Drescher) Vanessa Nessa Broadhurst (Laura Innes)

Natasha Tasha Bingley (Alex Kingston) Denise Travor (Lauren Lane) Rosette Barrows (Sherry Stringfield) Jacqueline Jackie Finster (Maura Tierney)

COLD OPENING INT. LIVING ROOM. - MID-MORNING ESTABLISHING Nessa is lying on the couch. NESSA (massages temples) Ugghhh, never drank so much in my entire life. And...(smells hands) my hands smell like alcohol. I need to wash (attempts to stand up and walk, but stumbles on the way). JENNY (catches Nessa) Hold it right there. Youre having a huge hangover and you obviously cant walk straight. Sit still, stay put, and Ill get you some baby wipes. NESSA (raspy voice) Green box, okay? JENNY (mouthing) Okay (goes to kitchen) SCENE: KITCHEN. VOMITING NOISES ECHO FROM THE BATHROOM. JENNY (points to bathroom door) Is that Rosette? DENISE Poor woman hasnt left the bathroom since she woke up. Which is like right now. JENNY Do you know where the box of baby wipes is? DENISE What color? Blue, pink, green, orange or purple? JENNY Green. Today is Thursday at exactly (looks at wall clock) 9:08 am. DENISE Top shelf, but get some latex gloves first. You know how the woman is when she sees fingerprints. Sweet woman, but her cleanliness threshold just

PISSES. ME. OFF! All she does is make shake someone to death and scream like some mad man. JENNY Denise, honey, you should have been the one who drank something. Forced sobriety isn't doing you any good.

INT. BATHROOM MID-MORNING Rosette kneels over the toilet while she experiences the aftermath of last night's events. ROSETTE but is reduced to heaving noises). Damn. in the mirror) Smudged eyeliner, (touches lips) strand of hair) long, curly hair. Oh shit. Im SHORT and curly. (goes out to kitchen)

(continues to vomit, (stands up to check herself smeared lipstick, (finds a just glad its not

INT. KITCHEN MID-MORNING. TASHA has her head down on the dining table while DENISE and JENNY sit on the bar stools on the other side. DENISE Anita Rosette Barrows. Back from the dead, arent we? ROSETTE Don't start. I just realized that I have made a complete fool of myself. DENISE Passing out on the floor is nothing compared to singing nursery rhymes on stage after 8 shots of Pink Squirrels. (laughs along with Jenny) ROSETTE Oh, and I found this on my shirt (gives strand of hair to Denise). Im going to the living room. JENNY Wonder whose hair is that? DENISE Long, (pulls strand of hair), really springy, (puts strand against her black shirt) blonde...

JENNY I doubt that it came from a random stranger. I know Rosette is a woman's woman, but shes not the type who goes up to random strangers for a kiss. DENISE Yeah, Ive seen her drunk before, and the craziest thing she has done was say I love you in front of The Monument in the wee hours of the morning. JENNY Denise...look at this (sweeps Tashas hair). DENISE What? JENNY Rose Merlot. DENISE Rose who? JENNY No, Rosettes wearing Rose Merlot. You know, the lipstick shade? DENISE Im sorry. My definition of lipstick shades consist of red, pink, brown and peach. JENNY (pacing around) Curly hair...Rose Merlot lipstick...copious amounts of Pink Squirrels...W-w-wait...could they be? You know... DENISE Oh thats impossible. I know the type of women Tasha brings home, and I tell you, shes not the type to fall for someone like her. Rosettes a little too...girl-next-door for her. She likes her women on the salty side. JENNY Define salty. DENISE

Someone quite similar to herself, but not too similar. Willing to get her hands dirty, understands a basic, preferably a proficient knowledge of sarcasm, willing to inject some...colorful words in her speech, if you know what I mean. JENNY Someone like, say, Jackie? DENISE Jackies too much of a sloth for her. She wants women who work for it. Jackies a really bright woman, but she cant even keep a steady job, much less a steady relationship. JENNY Nessa? DENISE Already failed the very first bullet point from the get-go. Plus shes still married to a guy in federal prison and has kids with him. JENNY You? DENISE (laughs) Oh please. Chemistry, as in friendly chemistry, probably yes. But when you put romance in the equation? Wed rather cut off our own legs. JENNY Well youre a badass, you're a walking sarcasm dictionary with more psychological references than Freud and Jung combined, and you certainly play hard to get. DENISE Jenny, we would repel like two North Poles next to each other. Trust me Ive been there. By the way, Freud is SO 20th century. More outdated than the dinosaurs of the ancient era in terms of the teachings of modern psychology. JENNY Wait, what do you mean, Ive been there.? Is there something youre not telling me? Some...juicy stuff Ive never, EVER heard of? DENISE

I dont want to even talk about it. JENNY Come on, I tell you every facet of my work life, family life, maybe even a bit of my sex life... DENISE Your nonexistent sex life? JENNY Well, yes, but thats not my point. Relationships, whether friendship or otherwise is give and take, or whatever your psychological term is for that. I mean, they must already know about that...thing with her. DENISE No, they do not know about it, and neither should you. Definitely not you. JENNY Why? I can keep a secret (does zipping motion with lips). JACKIE Because youre the official Rolling Hills Intercom. You may be a sane, grown-up, independent teetotaler, but once you say something, it bounces around the walls, goes out the door and reaches the ears of unsuspecting victims. Well, in this case, other people who dont really need to hear what youre saying. DENISE Since when have you been wide awake and chipper? Last time I saw you, you were puking your guts out outside the green fountain. Then, you pass out in the car from sheer drunkenness while Nessa was singing and squirming in her seat. JACKIE Come again? DENISE Oh thats right. You dont remember a single thing about all those things. Oops. JACKIE

Our nasal friend over there has awoken the dead, the drunk and the desperate. JENNY I heard that! DENISE Yeah, yeah. Take your chipper self to the living room. Its too...quiet over there. Dont forget to remove your shoes first. Tidy Heidis there. JACKIE Point taken. (exits) START TITLES INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING Nessa and Rosette are lying on the couch and recliner, respectively trying to nurse the hangovers they have. ROSETTE Have you ever felt this crappy after a night out? NESSA You mean night outs in general, or the least common denominator known as alcohol? ROSETTE Fine, the second one. NESSA Physically, it scars my liver, fries my brain and increases my risk of many, many types of cancer. Mentally, it lowers my boundaries, lapses my judgement and temporarily disables my neuroses, which I assume is something good to come out of it. At least for you. ROSETTE Okay, emotionally? NESSA Makes me forget. A whole lot. In fact, all I remember from last night was the sound of someone singing Hokey Pokey.

ROSETTE All I know is that I kissed someone who wore jasmine perfume and deep red lipstick. Everything else was a huge blur. (pause) God, I lost count on how many of those Pink Squirrels I drank last night. How many did you down? Or a better question could be, were you even able to keep track yours? NESSA Enough for me to forget about washing my hands after holding the mic stand. Who knows how many germs are making it their habitat. In fact, theyre starting to ooze out of my skin. Ugh, gross. ROSETTE With alcohol, nothing is measured in quantity. It is measured stupidity of ones decisions. NESSA Measure how exactly? ROSETTE In the scale of one to infinity, It would be Why the need to measure it? Isnt it obvious? INT. KITCHEN - MORNING Jenny is chopping some fruits on the island counter.

in the

DENISE Whats cooking? JENNY Oh, its the Marsden family hangover remedy. A traditional recipe passed from generation to generation. DENISE What IS this Marsden hangover remedy you are speaking of? JENNY Water-rich fruits like bananas and watermelons, some milk, a bit of sugar and a tiny strand of hair from the dog that bit you. DENISE You know, you could have just bought some Alka-Seltzer.

JENNY Well, yes. But I prefer the good ol fashioned approach (puts fruits on blender). Besides, these fruits are about to get stale and this is the perfect time to use it. (turns on blender) TASHA What the bloody hell is that noise coming from? (rubs temples) Cant I get some needed shut-eye over here? JENNY (speaking over blender) MORNING TASHA, HOW YOU FEELIN?

TASHA Lovely, thanks for asking (rolls eyes). JENNY Want to get rid of that headache? TASHA That would be great, really. I would appreciate it. (blender gets louder) Before everything else though, TURN THAT BLOODY THING OFF! JENNY ONE MINUTE! Im making your hangover medicine. TASHA Oh god (slumps to the table). JENNY (blender stops) So, hows last night (pours shake into glasses)? You had fun? TASHA Oh yes, I had lots of fun. As what they usually say, lots of fun then, twice as much regret the next day. JACKIE (O.S.)

And to think that you said something about the British having excellent alcohol tolerance. TASHA I didnt mean we dont get hangovers. Just that we bounce back a bit quicker than others. DENISE Dearest Natasha - I hate to break it to you, but you were the last one to wake up. TASHA Well, I didnt say all the time. ROSETTE (enters from living room) You have any water around here? My throats like the Sahara right now. JENNY Hold on. This will help you a bit. (puts glass of shake on counter) ROSETTE You sure that I can drink this? JENNY Honey, This is a tried and tested recipe. Of course you can, or else our family line would have died out like the dodo ages ago. ROSETTE If you say so. (sips, then spits) Ugh, I hate watermelon. WHY did you have to use watermelon and do I really have to drink this? JENNY Well, I used watermelon because thats whats left in our fruit basket and if we dont use it, it will just end in the trash. And yes, you really need to drink that. Wait, Ill just bring this to the living room (leaves). TASHA Oh dont be so picky. At least she didnt add rotten fruits in it. (sips) Did you just put bourbon on this? DENISE

No, Jenny said its just a lock of hair of the dog that bit you. ROSETTE We didnt drink bourbon flavored, watermelon tinges dog hair. We drank pink squirrel blood. And besides, I shouldn't even be here. The recliner's calling me. TASHA I wonder who else could tell the difference?

INT. LIVING ROOM Nessa was drinking Jennys remedy when she suddenly gagged.

NESSA You said it was a hangover remedy. Its not a hangover remedy when you have alcohol in the drink. Its just like downing another cocktail. JENNY This drink is like a vaccine. You have all the good medicine in there, but all there is in it is what caused the disease in the first place, in this case alcohol. Only that when it enters your system, its in the lazy state. You know, like those people who just take up space in the house (Jackie looks at her direction). Im not saying its you. They prepare for battle, but they only attack the real thing. NESSA Jenny, this is the real thing. JENNY Its like rum cake, you dont get drunk from it unless you eat like five whole cakes. In that case, its a hangover plus five extra pounds. Perhaps even more TASHA (walks to the living room with almost empty glass) Jenny, you need to give me the recipe for this. Its delicious. JENNY You liked? TASHA

Liked it? I LOVED it! JENNY Even with the bourbon? TASHA I admit that it would feel a bit lacking without the bourbon. Gives it a real kick in the balls. Wait, wheres Jackie? JENNY Probably upstairs. I must warn you, shes feeling particularly chipper today. Kind of eerie actually. TASHA Is that your term for unusually scary? JENNY Well, Jackie is not exactly Little Miss Sunshine. When shes like that, its either shes really happy or shes done something that causeda tremendous amount of pleasure. Most of the time, its the second option, and its usually not good. TASHA Jackies going to be fine. No need to worry about it. JACKIE Worry about what?

TASHA Nothing really. Ya know, just the usual stuff, your average worries that come included with life... JENNY Really, its nothing. ROSETTE (waves empty glass) You still have any more of this drink? Im still thirsty over here. JENNY Sorry doll. I just made enough for four drunk, hungover people.

ROSETTE You should have just counted me as two. TASHA Rosette, if youre really thirsty, you can just go to the kitchen and grab some water from the fridge. ROSETTE Can you grab a glass of water for me? TASHA Youre a grown woman, Ms. Barrows. Grown women get their personal necessities by themselves. Not treat their roommates like their personal slaves. ROSETTE Please? TASHA No. ROSETTE Pretty please? TASHA (crosses arms and shakes head) Learn to get up of that chair first. ROSETTE But my butt is on unprotected territory. If I get out, it will be all poor and defenseless. (Tasha glares) Fine, it's either you get me glass of water right now or (stretches arms) try to get me out of this chair. TASHA All right, then. (holds Rosette's hands and tries to pull her out, but Rosette remains firm on her chair) Nessa, can you help me get her out? NESSA Of course. (grabs Rosettes left arm, but still nothing) ROSETTE NOW can you get me a glass of water? Please (smiles).

TASHA I would get you your water, but... ROSETTE But what? TASHA (kicks the bottom of the recliner) The recliner has wheels. Which means theres a way for you to get one without getting out of the recliner. ROSETTE And hows that? (Tasha pushes recliner to kitchen) Hey, what are doing that for? It could have much easier to just get me the damn glass. Hey! DENISE (enters from kitchen) So what was that all about? JENNY How to get a glass of water by Natasha Bingley and Rosette Barrows (snickers with Nessa). NESSA You should have seen her push that recliner like some sort of plush wheelchair. (shouts) You better put that back EXACTLY where it belongs. Trust me, I will know! INT. KITCHEN MID-MORNING Tasha and Rosette enter the kitchen with Tasha pushing the rolling recliner with Rosette sitting on it. TASHA Now you may get your glass of water. ROSETTE (gets up from chair) Okay. TASHA I thought you couldn't get your arse out of that chair.

ROSETTE

Well now I can, and remember, you told me that I'm a grown woman and can do things by myself, so I will. And for your information, my hangover is fading so anything you say to me can and will be used against you. TASHA If you say so. (sits on recliner) God this is comfy. ROSETTE You ever had those times where all you wanted to do was lounge around, look for a comfy chair and do absolutely nothing all day? TASHA Oh course. (pause) In fact, I'm in one just about now. ROSETTE Of course you are (smiles). Wait, you have something right here (points to her upper lip) TASHA Really? (rubs lipstick off her lips, then looks at her finger) Wait, this is not my lipstick. ROSETTE Can I see? (looks at TASHA'S finger) Oh my god! Did we really? I mean... TASHA What? ROSETTE This is my lipstick...and this morning, I found some curly hair on my shirt. (TASHA and ROSETTE look at each other, mortified) FADE OUT FADE IN: TASHA is still sitting on the recliner while ROSETTE is leaning on the island counter. Both are staring on the ceiling. ROSETTE Were we really that drunk? TASHA As it turns out, yes. (pause) So what do we do? ROSETTE Here's what we're going to do: Let's just pretend that last night did NOT happen.

TASHA Well I totally forgot about it until you mentioned that I had some of your lipstick right under my nose.

ROSETTE (sighs) The final phase of the drinking cycle regret. Just curious though, (sits on bar stool) do you think I'm a good kisser? TASHA If you think kissing someone with a severe case of halitosis is good, maybe. (ROSETTE frowns) I was just kidding. You were actually the first person I kissed that didn't think all women like tongues shoved down their throat. ROSETTE (laughs) Really? TASHA When I was in college, there was one person who kissed me on our third date. I don't know if he totally forgot, or intentionally forgot about my aversion to French kissing, but he shoved his tongue down my throat. You know what I did? ROSETTE What? TASHA This. (pulls out tongue and clamps on it with her teeth) ROSETTE Ouch, that's gotta hurt! TASHA Poor guy had to have 4 stitches on his tongue. Needless to say we never kissed again. ROSETTE Hey, we better get going. They must be getting worried about us. TASHA By they you mean Nessa and Jenny? ROSETTE

Probably. TASHA Since you're not so hungover and you up and about, can you (does wheelchair pushing gesture). ROSETTE Aw, do I have to? TASHA Relationships of any kind are give and take. I pushed it going in, you push it going out. ROSETTE Fine. (grabs top of the chair and starts to push)