When asked to reflect on the questions of “Who am I?”, “Who do I aspire to be?

”, and

“How will I get there?”, it helped me to realize that I don’t know myself as well as I thought I

did. I was able to realize that I had been leading a life that was expected of me, and not the one I

want.

For as long as I can remember, my parents have always held me to an extremely high

standard. “Bs aren’t good enough to get you into college!”, “How could you not get an A on that

test?”, “You only have a 92 in American History, you better do the extra credit!”. I know my

parents were only trying to set me up for success in high school and college (and hoping I could

have a more secure future), but it has caused me so much pain. I didn’t even realize it until my

roommate pointed it out to me. She was the first to notice how stressed and uptight I would be

about homework and tests. “You don’t need to be this stressed out over a stupid unit test for a

class that isn’t going to matter in the long run.”, “Why do you care so much about your grades?

You’re smart enough to get an A anyway!”, “I don’t see why you need to study; you know you

have this in the bag.”. The sad thing is, she’s right. School has always come relatively easy for

me and yet, I still kill myself over my grades.

While I don’t know exactly how to heal my toxic relationship with academics, I do want

it to become a healthy relationship. I do know, however, that for the sake of my total wellbeing, I

must make a change. Change is a full-time commitment, but in order to become a happier and

healthier person, I must dive in headfirst. I suppose the easiest thing to do would be to set a time

limit on the amount of time I spend studying. Instead of spending hours on end studying like I

normally do, I could set a forty-five-minute timer in order to learn to study more efficiently and

effectively. Another tactic I could explore is writing down everything I remember from lecture,

then using my notes to fill in the gaps in my knowledge. I actually learned of this method on
TikTok, and it seems to have shown promising results. This may be considered more of a radical

solution, but I could always have my roommate yell at me (I’m sure she would be more than

happy to tell me to get out into the world).

I don’t want to be the girl who’s so afraid of disappointing her parents that she’s unhappy

and even depressed at times. I want to be more spontaneous and carefree. I now see that in order

to become the person I want to be, I have to stop letting my fear control me. It is not the end of

the world if I don’t get an A in every single class I take at UA. It is not the end of the world if I

don’t graduate with a 4.0 GPA. It will be the end of the world, however, if I never take the time

to be a girl in her early twenties. I need to start focusing on the things that bring me joy:

spending time with my friends, going out on the weekends, meeting new people, and even taking

time to myself. I now, more than ever, realize that if I don’t lead the life I want and continue

leading the life that is expected of me, then I can’t be a well-rounded individual who will

succeed in this world.