ACT 2, SCENE 1

Modern Text

ROMEO enters alone.

ROMEO
Can I go to eat dinner while my heart stays here? I have to go back to
where my heart is.

ROMEO moves away. BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO enter.

BENVOLIO
(calling) Romeo, my cousin, Romeo, Romeo?
MERCUTIO
He’s a as smart as albert Einstein. I bet he sneaked away and went home
to bed.
BENVOLIO
He ran this way and jumped over this electrified wall that pokes butts
when crossing. Call to him, Mercutio!
MERCUTIO
Romeo! Madman! Passion! Lover! Albert Einstein! Just cry out, “Ah
me, like you do.” Just say “love” and “dove.” Just say something, or
else I shall kill you and hunt you down!!!!
BENVOLIO
If he hears you, you’ll make him angry and kill you back.
MERCUTIO
Don’t worry, he won’t be angered.
BENVOLIO
He’s like a zombie after chasing that girl! We can’t do anything except
for let him die with birds in the forest. Who cares about him…
MERCUTIO
Well, since Romeo, that he is a madman; let him be. You may see your
girl in your dreams!
BENVOLIO
Let’s go, I’m hungry I wanna eat Mc Donald’s
BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO exit.

ACT 2, SCENE 2

Modern Text

ROMEO returns.

ROMEO
It’s easy for someone to joke about pooping in their pants if they’ve never
done it.

JULIET enters on the balcony.

Oh my, I miss Romeo, I hope he is the moon, and I will see him every
night.

JULIET Oh,
my! It’s a
dream
come true
ROMEO
Oh, speak again, every time you speak, I go to heaven and when you
don’t I come back to life.

JULIET
(not knowing ROMEO hears her) Oh, Romeo, Romeo, why are you
Romeo. If you were Bob, it would be better.
ROMEO
(to himself) Should I listen for more, or should I speak now?
JULIET
Who are you? I shall report you to court about invading my Privacy!
 Wait a second, are you Romeo oh! You make me feel as if I ate
butterflies every supper! Also, shoo like a fly, unless you want to be
killed
ROMEO
I came here to see you--- I love you, please come and stay with me
JULIET
If you had the IQ of Leonardo Da Vinci, you would go away.
ROMEO
Even if you hate me, You cannot get rid of me as I love you like the way
I love Pizza. Now, are should I call you cheese or peperoni?
JULIET
Oh, should I call you Monkey? Cause the way your climbing up my
bedroom explains you just evolved from them a day ago.
ROMEO
No matter what, If I’m still a monkey or if I am a mosquito stinging you,
I wouldn’t let go of you.
JULIET
As much as I love you, please say “I love you again” as every time I
here that, it makes me smile inevitably.
ROMEO
Should I swear to you that I will always do that every time we meet?
JULIET
Oh, don’t swear! Beware of your language young man!
ROMEO
Oh, are you going to leave me so unsatisfied?
JULIET
What satisfaction could you possibly have tonight?
ROMEO
I would be satisfied if we made each other true promises of love.
JULIET
Love is infinite, like the more you drink, the more you pee out.

The NURSE calls from offstage.

Oh, wait nurse is here, I’ll come back!

JULIET exits.
ROMEO
Oh, blessed, blessed night! Because it’s dark out, I’m afraid all this is
just a dream, too sweet to be real.

JULIET enters on her balcony.

JULIET
Three words, dear Romeo, and then it’s good night for real. If your
intentions as a lover are truly honorable and you want to marry me, send
me word tomorrow. I’ll send a messenger to you, and you can pass on a
message telling me where and when we’ll be married. I’ll lay all my
fortunes at your feet and follow you, my lord, all over the world.
NURSE
(offstage) Madam!
JULIET
(to the NURSE) I’ll be right there! (to ROMEO) But if you don’t have
honorable intentions, I beg you—
NURSE
(offstage) Madam!
JULIET
Alright, I’m coming!—I beg you to stop trying for me and leave me to
my sadness. Tomorrow I’ll send the messenger.
ROMEO
My soul depends on it—
JULIET
A thousand times good night.
JULIET exits.

ROMEO
Leaving you is a thousand times worse than being near you. A lover
goes toward his beloved as enthusiastically as a schoolboy leaving his
books, but when he leaves his girlfriend, he feels as miserable as the
schoolboy on his way to school.

ROMEO starts to leave. JULIET returns, on her balcony.

JULIET
Hist, Romeo! Hist! Oh, I wish I could make a falconer’s call, so I could
bring my little falcon back again. I’m trapped in my family’s house, so I
must be quiet. Otherwise I would rip open the cave where Echo sleeps. I
would make her repeat his name until her voice grew more hoarse than
mine by repeating, “My Romeo!”

ROMEO
My soul is calling out my name. The sound of lovers calling each others
names through the night is silver-sweet. It’s the sweetest sound a lover
ever hears.
JULIET Romeo!
ROMEO
My baby hawk?
JULIET
What time tomorrow should I send a messenger to you?
ROMEO
By nine o’clock.
JULIET
I won’t fail. From now until then seems like twenty years. I have
forgotten why I called you back.
ROMEO
Let me stand here until you remember your reason.
JULIET
I’ll forget it, and you’ll have to stand there forever. I’ll only remember
how much I love your company.
ROMEO
I’ll keep standing here, even if you keep forgetting. I’ll forget that I have
any home besides this spot right here.
JULIET
It’s almost morning. I want to make you go, but I’d only let you go as
far as a spoiled child lets his pet bird go. He lets the bird hop a little
from his hand and then yanks him back by a string.
ROMEO
I wish I was your bird.
JULIET
My sweet, so do I. But I would kill you by petting you too much. Good
night, good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow that I’ll say good night
until tonight becomes tomorrow.
JULIET exits.

ROMEO
I hope you sleep peacefully. I wish I were Sleep and Peace, so I could
spend the night with you. Now I’ll go see my priest, to ask for his help
and tell him about my good luck.
He exits.

ACT 2, SCENE 3

Modern Text

FRIAR LAWRENCE enters by himself, carrying a basket.

FRIAR LAWRENCE
The morning is so much better than the horrible night. Darkness is
stumbling out of the sun’s path like a drunk man. Now, before the sun
comes up and burns away the dew, I have to fill this basket of mine with
poisonous weeds and medicinal flowers. The Earth is nature’s mother
and also nature’s tomb. Plants are born out of the Earth, and they are
buried in the Earth when they die. From the Earth’s womb, many
different sorts of plants and animals come forth, and the Earth provides
her children with many excellent forms of nourishment. Evertything
nature creates has some special property, and each one is different.
Herbs, plants, and stones possess great power. There is nothing on Earth
that is so evil that it does not provide the earth with some special
quality. And there is nothing that does not turn bad if it’s put to the
wrong use and abused. Virtue turns to vice if it’s misused. Vice
sometimes becomes virtue through the right activity.
 ROMEO enters.

Inside the little rind of this weak flower, there is both poison and
powerful medicine. If you smell it, you feel good all over your body.
But if you taste it, you die. There are two opposite elements in
everything, in men as well as in herbs—good and evil.
When evil is dominant, death soon kills the body like cancer.
ROMEO
Hiiiiii~ good morning!!!!
FRIAR LAWRENCE
OMG!!! Is this still you Romeo? You? Waking up this early in the
morning? I’m not dreaming? Am I? Why are you waking up so early?
This is obviously not a good sign. Has something been bothering you?
Or have you not slept for the ENITRE night?

ROMEO
Yes, I actually do prefer a sweet rest than just sleeping…
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Oh! May god please forgive you. Where you… with Rosaline?
ROMEO
With Rosaline, father? Are you kidding? I have totally forgotten about
that girl. I don’t even remember who she is!
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Oh. Well, that’s good. But… then where have you been?
ROMEO
You’ve asked me for the hundredth time now! Are you getting old or
something? Let me tell you, I, have been feasting with my enemy.
Suddenly someone wounded me with love and was wounded with love
by me. You have the sacred power to cure both of us. I carry no hatred,
holy man, because my request will benefit my enemy.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Oh, please speak in English. I don’t understand anything!
ROMEO
Ugh… You are getting old. I love Capulet’s daughter, Juliet. I love her,
she loves me. It’s perfect! Now, can you please marry the two of us? I
 mean… let us be together for the rest of our life? We’re the perfect
couple!

FRIAR LAWRENCE
What it the world? You broke up with Rosaline? And within a few days,
you love Capulet’s daughter, Juliet? Oh, good heavens sake, you nearly
cried into a river for Rosaline? AND NOW YOU WASTED ALL OF
IT? You were still emo, crying yesterday, and now you’re falling in love
with another girl? With nor regret. Oh, please, can someone save Romeo
from this? I think he’s getting quite crazy.

ROMEO
Bro!!! You literally scolded for loving Rosaline!
FRIAR LAWRENCE
You never understand me! I promise! I told you to not be obsessed with
her, not not to love her!
ROMEO
And you told me to bury my love.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Well, I never told you to get rid of one and immediately get rid of
another!
ROMEO
Please, stop getting angry at me! I’ve got rid of the girl who didn’t like
me and now I have found my true love!

FRIAR LAWRENCE
Please, stop acting. If you plead me, I guess I’ll secretly help you with
your marriage. But make sure, nobody realizes! Or both of us will soon
be dead.
ROMEO
Let’s hurry out, I’m in a rush!
FRIAR LAWRENCE
You’ll trip. Stop getting in such a hurry, you YOUNG man!
They exit.
 ACT 2, SCENE 4

Modern Text

BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO enter.

MERCUTIO
Where in the devil is Romeo!
BENVOLIO
Definitely not here. I’ve not seen him, don’t ask me!
MERCUTIO
That stupid guy, Rosalines gonna kill her when he comes back.
BENVOLIO
Tybalt, that stubborn Capulet’s stupid nephew, has sent a letter to
Romeo’s father
MERCUTIO
I’ll bet its nothing good.
BENVOLIO
Romeo will do whatever it says.
MERCUTIO
Are you stupid! Anyone who knows how to use a pen will answer.
Duhh…
BENVOLIO
No, Romeo will answer and tell him that he has accepted the challenge.
MERCUTIO
Oh, poor Romeo! He got stabbed by that white girl. He’s been cut
through the ear with a love song. The center of his heart has been split
by blind Cupid’s arrow. Is he smart and man enough to challenge
Tybalt?
BENVOLIO
Huh? What’s that story?
MERCUTIO
He’s tougher than the Prince of Cats. He does everything by the book.
He fights like you sing at a recital, paying attention to time, distance,
and proportion. He even takes breaks at the exact time regulated. He’s
 the best at the school of fencing. He knows how to turn any argument
into a swordfight. He knows passado—the forward thrust—the punto
reverso—the backhand thrust—and the hai —the thrust that goes straight
through.
BENVOLIO
Waiit.. he knows what?
MERCUTIO
I hate these guys with these weird expressions. I hate the stupid accents
and how they do stuff. I hate when they talk about Jesus and when
something is “a very good” thing. That just sands bad. These stubborn
guys who care TOO much about manners. That’s just stupid!

ROMEO enters.
BENVOLIO
Let’s see who that is. Isn’t that the missing Romeo?
MERCUTIO
He looks skinny with nobody that like him. Bro, you’ve turn pale and
skinny. Hey Romeo, you faked us out pretty well last night.
ROMEO
Good morning peoples! What do you mean I faked you out?
MERCUTIO
You gave us the slip, sir, the slip. Can’t you understand what I’m
saying?
ROMEO
Oh, sorry Mercutio. I had to take care of a “business” manner. I needed
to ignore the manners even though I know its wrong. Also, can you talk
logically next time?
MERCUTIO
In other words “business manner” made you flex your buttocks.

ROMEO
You mean do a curtsy?
MERCUTIO
 See, he’s not dumb, Benvolio.

ROMEO
That’s quite polite, for once.
MERCUTIO
Yes, I am the pink flower, the best of courtesy and manners.
ROMEO
The flower.

MERCUTIO Right.
ROMEO
Well, then my pump is well decorated with flowers.

MERCUTIO
Alright, this joke has worn you out. Now you’re only left with a joke.
ROMEO
Haha, such a funny joke.
MERCUTIO
Stop standing there Benvolio. Come break this up!
ROMEO
If you stop. You have automatically loosed, loser!
MERCUTIO
Fine. You have more stupidly funny jokes than I do. Ok?
ROMEO
You were never with me for anything if you weren’t there for the goose.
MERCUTIO
I’ll bite you on the ear for that joke.
ROMEO
No, good goose, don’t bite me.
MERCUTIO
Your joke is a very bitter apple. Your humor is a spicy sauce.
ROMEO
 Then isn’t it just the right dish for a sweet goose?
MERCUTIO
Oh, that’s a joke made out of leather that spreads itself thin, from the
width of an inch to as fat as a yard.
ROMEO
I stretch my joke for that word “fat.” If you add that word to the word
“goose,” it shows that you are a fat goose.
MERCUTIO
Why? Don’t you agree that joking around is so much better than your
stupid love story?

BENVOLIO
Stop there, stop there.
MERCUTIO
Who are you? You want me to stop before I finish?
BENVOLIO
Otherwise it would have taken ages.
MERCUTIO
Ha, you’re wrong this time, I made it short. ON PURPOSE.

The NURSE enters with her servant, PETER.

ROMEO
Finally, something good
BENVOLIO
A sail, a sail!

MERCUTIO
There’s two—a man and a woman.
NURSE
Peter!
PETER
I’m at your service.
NURSE
 Give me my fan, Peter.
MERCUTIO
Please give her the fan now. The fan looks much better than her face.
NURSE
Good morning, gentlemen.
MERCUTIO
Good afternoon, fair lady.
NURSE
Is it now afternoon?
MERCUTIO
Look at the clock yourself! You’re not blind!
NURSE
Get out of here! What kind of man are you?
MERCUTIO
Just a plain man, plain lady.
NURSE
I swear, you speak the truth. I just need one word. Where in the world is
Romeo?
ROMEO
I can tell you, but young Romeo will be older when you find him than
he was when you started looking for him.
NURSE
You speak well.
MERCUTIO
I know.
NURSE
(to ROMEO) If you’re the Romeo I’m looking for, sir, I would like to…

BENVOLIO
She want you to go to their stupid party.

MERCUTIO
 A pimp! A pimp! A pimp! I’ve found it out.
ROMEO
What have you found out?
MERCUTIO
She’s not a prostitute unless she’s using her ugliness to hide her
promiscuity.

(he walks by them and sings) Old

rabbit meat is good to eat, If
you can’t get anything else.
But if it’s so old,
That it goes bad before you eat it, Then
it was a waste of money.
(speaking)
Romeo, let’s go to lunch with your father

ROMEO
I’ll come now!
MERCUTIO
Goodbye, old lady. Goodbye, stupid lady.
BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO exit.
NURSE
Please, why is someone so cruel living on earth?
ROMEO
He is the fastest and most cruel person you will ever meet.
NURSE
If he says anything against me, I’ll literally kill that dirty rat. If I can’t Ill
find someone who can.
PETER
I can draw my sword faster than Bolt’s 100 m sprint!
NURSE
Now, Romeo, my lady ordered me to find you.
ROMEO
Nurse, give my regards to to your lady. I swear to you—
NURSE
You have a good heart, and believe me, I’ll tell her that. Lord, Lord,
she’ll be a happy woman.
ROMEO
What are you going to tell her, Nurse? You’re not paying attention to
me.
NURSE
Sir, I’ll tell her that you protest to her, which I think is the gentlemanly
thing to do..

ROMEO
Tell her to come and marry me this afternoon. Here’s your reward.
Swank you!
NURSE
No, really, I won’t spend a penny.
ROMEO
Go on, I insist you take it.
NURSE
(taking the money) This afternoon, sir? Okay.

ROMEO
I’ll come with a rope and ladder. I’ll meet Juliet secretly. Please don’t let
anyone see us.
NURSE
May God in heaven bless you. Now please listen, sir.
ROMEO
What do you have to say, my dear Nurse?
NURSE
I honestly don’t think that guys can keep a secret.
ROMEO
I assure you, my man is as true as steel.
NURSE
Well, sir, my mistress is the sweetest lady. Lord, Lord, when she was a
little baby—there was this guy who wants to marry Juliet. His name is
 Paris. Juliet would rather look at a toad than at him. But Rosaline and
Romeo both start with R.
ROMEO
Yes, Nurse, what about that? They both begin with the letter “R.”
NURSE
She says beautiful things about you and rosemary.
ROMEO
Say good stuff, nurse.
NURSE
Of course! Peter, hurry up
PETER I’m ready.
NURSE
(giving PETER her fan) Hurry up, hurry up. Go faster. You’re slower than
someone on a wheelchair.
They all exit.
ACT 2, SCENE 5

Modern Text

JULIET enters.

JULIET
The nurse has been gone for ages. Please let her find Romeo! Love
messages should be faster than lightning! They’re full of love! Now it’s
noon. That’s three hours since nine o’clock, but she hasn’t come back. If
she was younger, the words would have moved faster than a ball.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

The NURSE and PETER enter.

Oh! Finally! She does come.

NURSE
Peter, go out. Now!
PETER exits.
JULIET
Why are you looking so sad? Even if it’s bad news, please have a smile
on your face. Don’t spoil it that fast!
NURSE
I’m more tired than someone working 24 hours straight.
JULIET
I wish you had my bones, and I had your news. Come on now, I beg
you, speak, good Nurse, speak.
NURSE
Good heavens! Why are you in such a hurry? Calm down! I’m out of
breath.
JULIET
That’s dumb. You’re telling you’re out of breath when you’re using your
breath to tell me. That makes no sense. Just one word. Good of bad
news?

NURSE
Well, you made a bad choice. Romeo is the most handsome boy, the
most polite boy, the nicest boy I’ve ever met. Now, have you had lunch
yet?

JULIET
No, I haven’t had lunch. Everything you told me I already knew. What
does he say about our marriage? What about that?
NURSE
I’ve got a really bad headache now, I think I can die any second now.
JULIET
Believe me, I’m sorry you’re in pain. Sweet, sweet, sweet Nurse, tell
me, what did my love Romeo say?
NURSE
Your love says, like an honorable gentleman, who is courteous, kind,
handsome, and, I believe, virtuous—where is your mother?
JULIET
Where is my mother? Why, she’s inside. Where else would she be? Your
answer is so strange! “Your love says, like an honorable gentleman,
‘Where is your mother?’”
NURSE
Please be patient! You’ve never been like this! This is ridiculous!
JULIET
You’re making such a fuss. Come on, what did Romeo say?
NURSE
Do you have permission to go out and take confession today?
JULIET I do.
NURSE
Then hurry up and rush over to Friar Lawrence’s cell. There’s a husband
there who’s waiting to make you his wife. Go now before you’re late!
I’ll go to lunch now.
JULIET
Wish me luck. Thank you, dear Nurse.
They exit.

ACT 2, SCENE 6

Modern Text

FRIAR LAWRENCE and ROMEO enter.

FRIAR LAWRENCE
May Romeo and Juliet’s marriage be happy with nothing bad in the
beginning, middle, and end.
ROMEO
Amen, whatever happens now. Even if the sky falls, I hope to live
happily ever after with Juliet just like in Disney films.

FRIAR LAWRENCE
These sudden joys have sudden endings. They burn up in victory like
fire and gunpowder. When they meet, as in a kiss, they explode. Too
much honey is delicious, but then you get sick.

JULIET enters in a rush and embraces ROMEO.

 Oh here comes Juliet, the perfect girl.
JULIET
Good evening, Mr. Friar Laurence.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Romeo will thank you, my girl, for both of us.
JULIET
I’ll give him equal thanks, so we’re even.
ROMEO
Ah, Juliet if you’re as happy as I am, and you’re better with words, tell
me about the happiness you imagine we’ll have in our marriage.

JULIET
I can imagine more than I can say—I have more on my mind than
words. Anyone who can count how much he has is poor. My true love
has made me so rich that I don’t care about money at all.

FRIAR LAWRENCE
Come, come with me, and we’ll do the job quickly. Because if you don’t
mind, I’m not gonna leave until you guys marry according to the law. I
don’t want responsibilities!
They exit.