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Boundaries : Implementing them 

for a Healthier & Happier Life 
Boundaries  are  essential  to  healthy  relationships  and  a  healthy  life.  Setting  and  sustaining 
boundaries  is  a  skill.  Therefore,  like  any  other  skill,  it  requires  practice.  Having  healthy 
boundaries means knowing and understanding what your limits are. 
 
 

Internal versus External Boundaries 

 
The  purpose  of  having  boundaries  is  to  protect  and  take  care  of  ourselves. We need to be able 
to  tell  other  people  when  they  are  acting  in ways that are not acceptable to us. We also need to 
identify when we are acting in ways that are not acceptable to ourselves.  
 
Accepting  that  we  have  a  right  to  protect  and  defend  ourselves  is  an  important  step  in  setting 
boundaries.  We  must  also  remind  ourselves  that  despite  not  being  able  to  control  other 
individuals’ behaviors, we must take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.   
 
Internal boundaries 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Setting  internal  boundaries  involves  regulating  your  relationship  with  yourself.  They  mean 
thinking  about  yourself,  rather  than  automatically  agreeing  with  others’ criticism or advice. You 
can  also  think  of  internal  boundaries  as  self-discipline  and  healthy  management  of  time, 
thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses.  

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co 

 Learning  to  manage  negative  thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow 
through  on  goals  and  commitments  to  yourself.  In  addition,  by  becoming accountable for your 
feelings  and  actions,  you  do  not  blame  others.  ​Internal  boundaries  are  between  you  and  you. 
Examples  could  be  holding  on  to  promises  you  make  to  yourself,  being  consistent  with  your 
goals, or practicing healthy detachment from worries or fears. 
 
External Boundaries 

 
 
 
Setting  external  boundaries  involves  regulating  your  relationships  with  others.  In  order  to  have 
healthy  relationships  with  others,  we  must  learn  to  establish  boundaries with them. In addition, 
part  of  getting  to  know  others  is  finding  out  what  their  boundaries  are  and  respecting  them. 
Some  people  do not agree with other people’s boundaries, and are resistant to respecting them. 
However,  we  have  the  basic  ability  to  read  body  language and to know when we are crossing a 
boundary  and  avoid  the  behavior  that  leads  to  it.  Therefore,  whether  we  understand  why  their 
boundary  exists  or  not,  we  can  choose  to  respect  it.  ​External  boundaries  are  between  you  and 
other  individuals.  Examples  could  be  how  you  want  to  be  spoken  to,  deciding ​not to attend an 
event  because  you  feel  unsafe  or  uncomfortable  with  someone  who  will  also  be  attending  or 
the amount of physical space you need between yourself and others.  
 
 

Key Tips to Keep in Mind when Setting 

Boundarie  
 
Identify your limits  
Consider  what  you  can  tolerate  and  accept  and  what  makes  you  feel  uncomfortable  or 
stressed​. 
 
Tune into your feelings 
It  is  important  to  ​observe two key feelings that indicate that we are letting go of our boundaries: 
discomfort  and  resentment.  Try  thinking  of  these  feelings  on  a  continuum  from  1  to  10.  If  you 
are  at  the  higher  end  of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, ask yourself what 
is causing that.  
 
Discomfort  usually  comes  from  being  in  a  situation  or  condition  in  which  we  have  either  not 
been  in  before,  or  have  been  in  far  too  often.  It  is  one  of  our  survival  mechanisms  that  lets  us 
know if we must leave the situation we are in or not for our own wellbeing.  
 

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co 

 Resentment  usually comes from being taken advantage of or not being appreciated. It is often a 
sign  that  we  are  pushing  ourselves  either  beyond  our  own  limits  because  we  feel  guilty  or 
someone else is imposing their expectations.  
 
Be direct 
All  individuals  have  different  communication  styles,  views,  personalities  and  general 
approaches  to  life.  Therefore  it  is  normal  for  individuals  to  have different boundaries as well. In 
order  to  make  sure  that  yours  are  being  understood,  you will need to be more direct about your 
boundaries by identifying them and naming them with the other person.  
 
Give yourself permission 
Fear,  guilt  and  self-doubt  sometimes  get  into  the  way  of  setting  boundaries.  For  instance,  we 
might  fear  the  other  person’s  response  if  we  set  and  enforce  our  boundaries.  We  might  feel 
guilty  by  speaking  up  or  saying  no  to  another  individual.  In  some cases, we might wonder if we 
even  deserve  to  have  boundaries  in  the  first  place. Keep in mind that boundaries are a sign of a 
healthy  relationship  and  self-respect.  Give  yourself  the  permission  to  set  boundaries  and  work 
to preserve them. 
 
You  can  also give yourself permission to reflect before setting a boundary. For example, instead 
of  saying  yes  or no on the spot you can let the individual know that you need some time to think 
about  it.  This  reflection  time can help you to make the best decision for yourself while not being 
pressured by others.  
 
Practice self-awareness 
When  setting  boundaries,  you  must  continuously  be  aware  of  your  feelings  in  order  to  honor 
them.  If you notice that you are not sustaining your limits, try asking yourself what has changed, 
consider  what  you  or  the  other  person  may  be  doing  differently.  Then,  try  thinking  about 
potential  solutions  by  asking  yourself  “What  am  I  going  to  do  about  the  situation?  What  do  I 
have control over?” 
 
Consider your past and present 
How  we  are  raised  along  with  our  family  roles  can  become  additional  obstacles  in  setting  and 
preserving  boundaries.  For  instance,  if  you  learned  to focus on others before yourself, ignoring 
your  own  needs  might  have  become  the  norm  for  you  and  those  that  know  you.  In  addition,  it 
can  be  challenging  being  the  only  one  or  one  of  a  few  trying  to  maintain  healthy  boundaries. 
This is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical. 
 
In  addition,  boundaries  can  be  difficult  to  implement  and  maintain  at  first due to others around 
you  having  certain  expectations  of  you  or  being  used  to  different  boundaries  on  your  end.  The 
metaphor  of  the  garden  truly  portrays  this.  Picture  that  you  have  a  garden  and  you  put  up  a 
fence  to  protect  your  flowers.  Some  people  will  ask  you  if  they  can  come  into  your  garden  to 
look  at  your  flowers  and  you  will  say  no.  Some  will  respect this, while others will insist to come 
into  your  garden  despite  multiple  attempts  of  you  saying  no.  In  extreme  cases,  some  may  not 
even  bother  asking  you  permission  and  will  simply  come  into  your garden. This does not mean 
that  you  must  abandon  your  boundaries,  it  is  simply  an  opportunity  for  you  to  be  more 
persistent and assertive about your boundaries.  

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co 

 Make self-care a priority 
Making  self-care  a  priority  also  involves  giving  yourself  permission  to  put  yourself  first. 
Recognize  the  importance  of  your  feelings,  which  serve  as  important  cues  about our wellbeing 
and  about  what  makes  us  happy  and  unhappy.  Putting  yourself  first  also  gives  you the energy, 
peace  of  mind  and  positive  outlook  to  be  more  present  for  others.  When  struggling  with  this, 
you can picture the image of “you cannot pour from an empty cup”.  
 
Seek support 
If  you  are  having  a  hard  time  with  boundaries,  you  can  seek  support  through  a  support  group, 
counseling,  coaching  or  good  friends.  With  friends  or  family,  you  can  practice  setting 
boundaries together while holding each other accountable.  
 
Be assertive 
Once  we  have  created  and  established  our  boundaries,  we  actually  have  to  follow  through. 
Occasionally,  we  expect others to know our needs and what can hurt us, however others cannot 
read  our  mind.  Therefore,  it  is  important  to  assertively  communicate  with  the  other  person 
when  they’ve  crossed  a  boundary.  In  a  respectful  way,  let  the  other  person  know  what  in 
particular  is  bothersome  to  you  and  establish  a  plan  for  how  you can work together to address 
it.  
 
In  addition,  when  we  do  not  communicate  our  boundaries,  we  can  more  easily be manipulated 
as others may consider that we do not have personal limits. 
 
Remember,  sometimes  being  assertive  means  repeating  the  same  boundary  several  times 
before  the  other  person  understands  and  respects  our  boundary,  it  is  important  to  keep 
reinforcing our limits. 
 
Start small 
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Try starting with a 
small  boundary  that  is  not  threatening  to  you,  and  then  increase  to  more  challenging 
boundaries.  It  is  important  to  build  upon  your  success,  therefore  at  first  try  not  to  take  on 
something  that  feels  too  overwhelming.  Setting  boundaries  takes  courage,  practice  and 
support, however, like any other skill, you can master this!  
 
 

Boundaries on a Spectrum 
 
Porous Boundaries  
Having  ​porous  boundaries  equates  to  the  absence  of  boundaries.  Imagine  tracing  a  line  in  the 
sand,  water  coming  over this line and making the line disappear. What this means is that even if 
you attempt to have boundaries, you are unable to maintain them. 
 
When  someone  asks  you  for  something,  the  inner  voice  that  says  “I  should  say  no”  may  get 
louder  and  louder.  However,  you  say  “yes”.  Afterwards,  you  may  resent  the  other  person  and 

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co 

 yourself  for  saying  yes.  This  becomes  a  vicious  cycle;  you  say  yes,  feel  resentful  and  distance 
yourself. Yet, you say yes again to another request, and the cycle continues. 
 
If you have porous boundaries, you may engage in these behaviors : 
● Disclose personal information that you feel anxious and vulnerable about. 
● Share inappropriate information that you feel anxious and vulnerable about. 
 
Rigid Boundaries 
Having  ​rigid  boundaries  equates  to  having  very  solid  and  strict  boundaries.  Imagine  trying  to 
throw  something  at  a  brick  wall,  however  nothing  can  get  through.  What  this  means  is  that 
regardless of the situation or the individual, you always have very solid boundaries. 
 
If you have rigid boundaries, you may feel this way : 
● You often feel lonely, isolated, or disconnected as you do not let others in.  
● You  feel  like  no  one  really  knows  or  understands  the real you, because you do not open up 
to others. 
● You  struggle  to  relate  with  others  because  you  squash  their attempts to share with you by 
throwing up a wall, which leads them to eventually stop trying to connect with you. 
● You may alienate your loved ones in order to protect yourself. 
 
Balanced boundaries 
Having  ​balanced  boundaries  equates  to  having  a  combination  of  porous  and  rigid  boundaries. 
Having  balanced  boundaries  is  “ideal”  as  you  find  yourself  somewhere  in  the  middle  of  the 
boundaries  spectrum.  You  may  find  yourself  at  different  areas  of  the  spectrum  depending  on 
the  situation  you  are  faced  with  and  the  individual  involved.  For  instance,  you may let in people 
you consider safe and keep out those you consider unsafe. 
 
If you have balanced boundaries, you may feel this way : 
● You are aware of when you are being taken advantage of and respond assertively. 
● You listen to the thoughts and opinions of others, but you make the decisions you believe 
are the best for you. 
● You allow relationships to develop over time. 
● You learn to trust others before opening up to them and sharing vulnerabilities. 
● You have values that are negotiable and others that are non-negotiable. 
● You are aware of who you are and are cautious of others who try to change you.  
 
Porous Balanced Rigid 
 

 
 

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co 

  

Different Types of Boundaries 

 
When  thinking  about  boundaries,  we  often  only  think  about  the  physical  space  we  require 
between  ourselves  and  others  to  feel  safe.  However,  there  are  many  more types of boundaries 
that we must consider to maximize our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.  
 
1. The  first  step  is  engaging  in  self-assessment  in  order  to  determine  your  different 
boundaries.  
 
Type of  Definition  Types of Questions to Ask Yourself to Determine 
Boundary  These Boundaries 

Material  Material boundaries  ⇒ Do you expect things in return of giving/lending? 

determine whether  ⇒ Do you feel like others are more deserving of your 
you give or lend  belongings than you?  
things, such as your  ⇒ Therefore you tend to give/lend even when you are 
money, car, clothes,  actually in need.  
books, etc.  

Physical   
Physical boundaries  ⇒ Do you feel comfortable giving a handshake or a hug 
pertain to your  when you first meet another individual - to whom and 
personal space,  when? 
privacy, and body.  ⇒ How do you feel about loud noises? 
⇒ How do you feel about confined spaces? 
⇒ How much space would you like between yourself and 
others? 
⇒ What sorts of affection and touch do you want, and not 
want? 
⇒ How much sleep and self-care time do you need to feel 
your best? 

Intellectual /  Intellectual  ⇒ Are you easily suggestible? 

mental  boundaries apply to  ⇒ Do you know what you believe in, and can you hold 
your thoughts, values,  onto your opinions? 
and opinions.  ⇒ Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s 
opinion without becoming rigid?  
⇒ Can you respect other people’s viewpoints and ways of 
seeing the world even when you strongly disagree? 
⇒ Can you respect that other people do things differently 
or have different preferences? 

Emotional  Emotional boundaries  ⇒ How would you like to be spoken to? 

separate your   
emotions and  ⇒ What sorts of feedback feels good to you, and what is 
responsibility for them  unnecessarily hurtful?  
from someone else’s.   
In fact, emotional 
⇒ Can you allow other people to feel sad, angry, or fearful 
boundaries are like an 
without feeling the need to “fix” them? 
imaginary line or force 
field that separates   
you and others. 

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co 

 Healthy emotional  ⇒ Can you allow yourself to feel sad, angry, or hurt 
boundaries prevent  without blaming it on anyone or anything else? 
you from giving   
advice, blaming or  ⇒ Can you choose what you are ready to share about 
accepting blame.  your inner life with another person at a pace that 
They also protect you  honors safety & trustworthiness? 
from feeling guilty for   
someone else’s   
negative feelings or 
***Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal 
problems and taking 
boundaries and an understanding of your feelings and 
others’ comments 
responsibilities to yourself and others.*** 
personally. 

Spiritual  Spiritual boundaries  ⇒ Can you allow others to have their chosen spiritual life 
relate to your beliefs  (or lack thereof), without feeling the need to change 
and experiences in  them, convince them or force them to see things 
connection with a  differently? 
higher power.  ⇒ Do you honor your own need for spiritual engagement 
or lack thereof, without needing to explain, justify, or 
rationalize your chosen belief system? 
⇒ Do you respect your need to honor your spiritual values 
instead of letting them take a backseat to your more 
“everyday concerns”? 

Energetic   
Energetic boundaries  ⇒ What kind of people do you want to be around/what 
relate to your  kind of people are toxic to you? 
relationships with  ⇒ Do you honor the need to choose your relationships 
others and how you  closely? 
feel about them.  ⇒ If you cannot choose a relationship, can you arrange 
yourself in a way so that you minimize contact with the 
unhealthy other? 
⇒ What sort of environments do you repeatedly find 
yourself in? Are they chaotic, confusing, and messy of 
loving and joyful? 

 
2. After  establishing  your different boundaries, the second step is to communicate them to 
others  assertively  and  ensure  they  are  being  respected  while  being  accountable  to 
yourself.  
 
It  is  now  your  turn  to  try  this  out!  Remember,  patience  and  persistence  are  key  in  setting 
boundaries.  In  addition,  it  is  important to remember that we can only control our own limits and 
boundaries, not those of others.  
 

Last update : August 2020   dialogue.co