Lesson 17

HUMAN RELATIONSHIP

This section will look briefly into two general types of human relationship: I-You
and I-It relationships.

I-You Relationship
I-You relationship, also known as personal relationship, occurs when the “I”
treats the “You” as a person and in like manner the “You” treats the “I” as a person. In
this kind of relationship both the “I” and the “You” treat each other as persons with
respect. The “person” here is referred to as an individual who has reason, feelings,
emotions, dignity and human rights. Hence, a person can see the difference between
insults and practical jokes, between recognition and rejection, and knows when his/her
dignity is dishonored and human rights violated.
Moga noted that I-You relationship is a “we” relationship where dialogue is
expressed not merely in words but in the life activities of the “I” and the “You”. Such
dialogue goes constantly between the two individuals.
I-You, of course, is the basis of communities filled with relationships between
people. For example, the only way a businessman becomes part of a community is by
not being a businessman, but a community member and never looks at their
relationships within the community as the accumulation of customers or clients. In like
manner, a jeepney driver becomes a member of his community by being a part of the
neighborhood, not being a jeepney driver who treats his neighbors as mere passengers.

I-It Relationship

The “I-It” relationship happens when the “I” does not treat the “You” as a person,
but as an “It,” an object. This kind of relationship involves so many human rights
violations, exploitation and manipulations. All these evil things happen because people
treat each other as “objects.” The situation is well described by Thomas Hobbes’
famous phrase: “Man is wolf to man.”
An “I-It” relationship is also called a manipulative relationship. It is generally
characterized by an absence of respect for others dignity, freedom, human rights,
feelings, and emotions. The “You” is simply used as a means to satisfy the wants and
interests of the “I.”
In most cases, the “I-it” relationship becomes too impersonal that it renders
everyone “faceless.” We see people around us but we fail to recognize them as
persons. An example of this is how some of us treat peanut vendors on the sidewalk.
We do not care to know them as human beings. We do not even remember,
immediately after we received the peanuts, whether the vendor is young, an adult, or
old. But who cares? We simply treat them as sidewalk vendors, no more, no less. They
are “faceless” in the crowd.
In another situation, observe what transpires in a jeepney. We do not pay more
attention to the other passengers. We only take cognizant of them when they request
(command) us to give their fare to the driver. As soon as this short transaction of giving-
and-receiving of fares stops, they become invisible again. They are again “faceless” in
the crowd.
I-It relationship invades a variety of relationships that may be found at home, in
school, in church, in places of work, in business, in politics, and many more. In all these
cases, the people involved are manipulative, or manipulated, or exploited, unimportant
and most of all “faceless.” What would you feel if your classmates would not listen to
your report? Certainly, you feel insulted; you feel insignificant – a “faceless” individual in
the classroom.
For sure you have experienced a situation where poor barefoot and
malnourished children knocked on the windows of the taxi you were riding and begged
for money. For sure they did not begged for P50.00, P20.00 or P10.00, but just a little
enough for them to buy food, or perhaps a piece of bread. But only a few people give
alms. Many people, including myself at several times, refused to give alms for reasons
most of which are abused or overused. However, most people invoked the Anti
Mendicancy City Ordinance. Yet the reason behind this refusal is loud and clear. We
don’t seem to care how hungry these little children are because we don’t notice them –
“faceless” in the crowd.
I remember one afternoon we were waiting for the red light in order to cross the
street towards Gaisano Metro. There was this old man who kept on touching us by the
arm begging for money as he kept on saying softly his line “Mam / sir looy tawon mo
nako. Tagae tawon ko.” Then he approached an equally old woman whom he touched
as he opened his hand to beg. The irritated old woman said: “Sige lang mopangayo.
Sige lang gyud mo pangayo.” The beggar asked her almost in whisper but still audible
to many of us: “Sige diay kahatag namo mam?”
Del told me the following story. One night he saw a small boy on the street, cold
and shivering in his tattered shirt, obviously hungry and tired. He felt so much pity on
that boy that he asked God “Why don’t you do something about it? Are you not God?”
Then on that very night he had a dream. In his dream he heard a deep voice saying, “I
did something about it. I made you for him. What have you done about it?” Many of us
answered in the same manner that Cain answered the Lord when He asked where his
brother Abel was. Cain replied; “Am I supposed to take care of my brother?” (Genesis
4:9).

Manipulation in a Relationship

Haring warns that whenever a relationship succumbs to an impersonal system of

communication, it opens the door to manipulation. He explains that the strongest
liberating and healing power is in healthy human relationships, and that the most
destructive power is heartless manipulation in relationships.
I-It relationship is incredibly disastrous to our existence. This relationship involves
distancing ourselves from each other. Look around and see a growing crisis of
indifference which magnifies differences in our society. There has been increasing
cases of broken family, severed friendship, morality being questioned, and values long
established by our forefathers being assaulted. This form of relationship is increasingly
that of I-It. As a result it is becoming more and more difficult to encounter God. 
 Certainly, we have been manipulators and manipulated as well many times in our
life. We have been treated insignificant and “faceless” in the crowd so many times in our
life. Now that we have experienced the cruelty of “I-it” relationship it is high time for us to
create more instances of “I-You” where “I-It” has existed for so long. Hence, next time
make certain to pay attention to that person in the sidewalk who sells his/her wares.
Although our relationship has existed for so long, we should not treat our secretary,
rank-and-file office workers, co-teachers, working students, and janitors as slaves. Most
of all let us not treat ourselves as “objects.”
At this point, let us go back to the early chapters of this book and recall the
wisdom of Confucius who cultivates the virtue of human- heartedness (Jen). This virtue
requires the person to be considerate and lenient to fellow human beings in words and
in deeds. “If you want to be kind, be polite.”
It was Lao Tzu who forewarns us that egotism is the root of disharmony and
disintegration of each person. He stresses the virtues of humility, self-negation, and
tranquility. Further, he stresses the power of meekness over evil, love over hatred and
non-violence over violence.
Perhaps you have seen a box or a tin can where a picture of a child is pasted on
it asking for your generosity to drop at least P0.05 into this box for a very noble cause.
The mission is based on the philosophy of the crumbs. The idea is to gather the
leftovers and excesses from our tables in order to feed the hungry little children in our
society. This is a clear and simple case of I-You relationship in the making.
Here is another incidence of I-You relationship. David Dunn in Try giving
Yourself Away said that it seems to be a law of life that when we give ourselves fully
and freely without expecting anything in return we enrich ourselves most. It is, therefore,
in giving unconditionally that we receive graces. The message is this: When we give we
should not think of reward since “there is no grace in a benefit that sticks to the fingers.”
How many times we expected services to be given to us, but which we ourselves would
not dare to give? Take this example.

One night in a rural area, it was raining heavily when Dr. Yul’s telephone rang.
“Doc,” a voice said. “My wife is in pain. I think she needs a doctor now. Please, come
right away.” “Ok. Can you pick me up right away?” Dr. Yul asked. “My car is in the
shop.” “What?” the caller replied. “I can’t go out on a night like this.”

Foods for Thought

In a home for the aged, an old man - a patient - was seen wandering aimlessly in
the lobby. Nurses and aides each told him to go back to his room. Few minutes later,
the janitor who had been scrubbing the floor approached the old man, took his hand,
and told him,” Sir, you look so tired. Let me help you to your room.” After having gently
helped the old man into bed, the janitor returned to the hall to continue cleaning.
“If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. But do it
privately, just between yourselves. If he listens to you, you have won your brother back”
(Matthew 18:15).
 Catherine de Hueck Doherty said: “With the gift of listening come the gift of
healing; because listening to your brother or sister until they have said the last word in
their heart is healing and consoling.”
However, life is progressing towards perfect adjustment in a perfect society
where the interests of the individual will eventually harmonize and identify with the
interests of others. But man is not yet adjusted. There is still too much selfishness, too
much egoism in man and too little of altruism at the same time.
According to Spencer, the essence of morality, and so with life, is the adjustment
of the individual to his fellowmen in a community. Good act, therefore, is that which
makes man well-adjusted to other people and bad act is that which makes man
miserable, unhappy due to maladjustment. In other words, what makes man good is his
good and well-balanced relationship with others. Therefore, Spencer’s essence of
morality lies in human relationship.