Avery is pregnant with her second child, which she just discovered was a

little girl! After Avery’s doctor appointment, she went home to rest. She
began to think about her last pregnancy and her life now….

Avery’s first pregnancy had been twin boys. She had experienced a terrible fright
during her first pregnancy: when she had gone to her doctor to determine the sex
of her unborn babies, they realized she was still taking prescription morphine for
recurring spinal/back pains. Avery’s doctor outlined the risks if she continues to
take morphine. Avery immediately committed to discontinue the use of it.

When Avery became pregnant with her second child, she didn’t even realize that she
immediately stopped taking all medication and vitamins, she stopped eating certain
foods, stopped drinking coffee and wine. Avery went to her doctor’s appointments,
and was given a prescription for prenatal vitamins and iron to keep her healthy for
the pregnancy.

She went to the pharmacy and got the vitamins then went home. At home, Avery’s
mom (Nalani) was babysitting the twins. She realized Avery was standing in the
kitchen holding the vitamins and shaking; she was trying to take it but simply could
not make herself take it. Finally, after much discussion and constant reminders by
her mom that the baby would only benefit from the prenatal vitamins, Avery finally
took the medicine. Her mom continued to remind her of the good benefits for the
baby’s well-being.

That evening, Avery’s twin boys asked her to go play in the backyard with them. As
the boys, Marcello & Damien, played, Avery shouted out warnings and cheers. The
yard was huge, and it had lots of trees and even a tiny part of a creek with big rocks
to sit on. The boys ran and chased each other; soon they started trying other
activities. Marcello started dragging chairs and an empty crate over to a tall tree.
Avery realized what he was doing and immediately stopped him! She looked over at
Damien and realized he was about to pick up a small garden snake and she ran over
to him and yanked him out the way. The snake slithered away. The boys came
together and tried to find another game. They started to pretend that they were in
outer space and on a quest for a hidden animal. They had a support team, played
by their chairs and crate. These were propped up in the play area to “help guard”.
Next, the boys found a net and an old wagon to load their goodies in. When Avery
heard the rules of this game she immediately started explaining that they would
need to take turns to use the net, and turns pulling the wagon. She tries to explain
to them they can’t use the chairs and must only play instead with each other. She
explains that the rules of their game is that they can only search together as a team
and cannot use the other objects they found because they were not living beings.
Finally, after a while outside, the boys ask to go back inside the house. Avery
explains that they had asked to come outside so they would stay out there playing
until dinner time.

Avery’s mom had been observing them throughout the evening, without saying
very much. She asked if she could stay for dinner, and speak with Avery after
Marcello and Damien went to bed. Avery agreed.

During dinner, Marcello and Damien had red and yellow plates respectively. Marcello
did not want his, and he started crying for a plate that had been broken and thrown
out a few weeks ago. He stuck his two fingers in his mouth. In between sucking, he
screamed and shouted. Damien looked at his mom and grandmother and
announced he had to pee, so he ran to the bathroom. He didn’t make it in time, and
at this time, with Damien screaming nonstop, Avery was overwhelmed. Avery saw
the mess on the floor and she snapped at Damien that he knew better than to wait
too late and spanked him for the mess. Damien just sucked his finger and said
nothing.

Avery’s mom just watched in silence as all this happened. She had a lot of things to
say but over the years Nalani had learned that Avery did not welcome input. Nalani
decided to move outside on the verandah until Avery had settled everything and
was ready to talk.

As the evening wound down, Nalani heard Avery getting increasingly frustrated. At
one point, Avery was reading a message from her boss on her phone and didn’t
notice Marcello and Damien running up behind her and screaming “boo” while
hugging her. She jumped and dropped the phone, turning immediately to scold the
boys for their action. They lost their happy giggles and instead became upset by
the scolding. Avery shouted that she needed to check her messages because it was
from work and it was important that she not miss these messages. She tried
explaining in a loud voice to Marcello and Damien that she loved their hugs but only
when she had free time. But right now she was working on a project and that if she
did not stay updated she would lose progress. There were major changes in the
message from her boss, and Avery explained that it would cause her endless hours
of work, that she would not be able to meet her deadlines and that it would result in
her ruining the project they were working on. Avery continued that if that happened
she would not be able to continue working there, that she would have no solution
but to find another job and that their living conditions would be badly affected.

Of course, Marcello and Damien could not understand the words Avery was saying.
They struggled to understand the concept of “if this happens, then…”. They didn’t
even understand fully what it meant when their mom spoke about deadlines, her job,
or living conditions. If Avery had stopped and reflected, she would remember just
this morning at breakfast Marcello had screamed and gotten angry because his
waffle had been less than Damien’s because Marcello’s was whole and Damien’s was
cut in quarters. Or, she would have remembered last week when Damien had been in
tears…You see, his mom had sorted their plastic toys into groups based on which
were mammals, reptiles or plants. But Damien had mixed them all up while playing
and he didn’t know how to put it back like his mom did and he was upset.

Unfortunately, when the phone dinged and signalled the message from Avery’s
boss, all she knew was that her heart was pounding, her breathing increased and
she could only focus on the phone in her hand. She knew that her boys were not
able to understand, but it was lost in the moment. At that point, she was consumed
with thoughts about her future and how her job was at risk, she would not be able
to continue to care for her family, and that they would suffer the consequences of
her not being able to keep up at work.

Avery was an architect and in charge of developing designs for businesses that
wanted new buildings for factories, warehouses and storefronts. The changes her
boss wanted were not content based changes, it was changes to the methods and
techniques, and the overall effects that her designs would achieve. Avery gave no
thought to her training, she just felt that her current approach was sufficient and
should not need changes of any sort.

She just knew that tomorrow there would be a meeting and she would need to hear
all the suggestions from the team. Avery did not enjoy working as a team, she
preferred to work alone, complete her tasks and move on when she was done. She
did not offer to review others' work, and she did not appreciate it when they asked
for her ideas or input on their tasks. She knew that sometimes it was because they
thought she was skilled in an area they might not be, or that they offered
suggestions because they thought they were experts in specialized areas too. But
that knowledge did little to how she felt about receiving it. She just wanted them to
let her work, in silence was best. Avery didn’t interact too much with them otherwise,
but even those required interactions wore on her.

By the time the afterhours message had come in, Avery was quick to react. Her boys
didn’t fully understand what was happening, but they were aware something was
wrong. They were immediately saddened that their hug was rejected and they both
started sucking their fingers and Marcello complained and whined that he wanted
something else to eat. Damien didn’t make any sounds, just nodded his head in
agreement.

Avery sighed in frustration and she decided it was time to get the boys ready for
bedtime. She gave them a bath, fighting every step of the way since Marcello and
Damien wanted more play time. Avery grew increasingly frustrated, because she
had a lot of rules about what the boys were allowed to do in the bathroom – she
reminded them that there were many dangers and they could not relax their
vigilance while in there. When the boys tried to bring toys in with them, Avery
screamed out that this was for cleanliness not play time. When Damian and Marcello
were splashing water, Avery snapped that the water would go into their ears and
cause ear infections, or cause the floor to get slippery. Finally, everyone was clean
and both in bed with Avery in the middle reading some books. Before they started
reading, Avery reminded the boys that it was report card day in 3 days. She
promised them that at the end of every one of the three terms when it was report
card, she took them to get ice cream and have a fun game for working hard. This
cheered the boys up after a rather eventful evening.

Eventually, both boys fell asleep and Avery stepped out of the room. She was so
tired, she just wanted to crawl into bed herself but she remembered her mom was
waiting for her. She went to the veranda door and called out to her mom, saying
“Come inside so we can talk while I clean up”. Nalani came in, and together they
worked on cleaning up the house. Nalani started speaking.

Nalani told Avery she wanted to share some memories of her, first. Nalani spoke
about her (Nalani’s) experiences growing up. As a 13 year old entering high school,
she recalls her parents telling her that she was almost an adult and that she needed
to stop playing around and work hard to secure her future. Nalani was confused
when she went to school and there were many classes to choose from. She didn’t
know what to do and she did not want to disappoint her parents. The teachers told
her that she would need to decide by the end of the week. Nalani made a plan, and
that night she asked her parents which classes would be best. The parents looked
at the list and selected classes for Nalani. Nalani submitted her form right on time.
As a student in high school. Nalani followed all her parents’ and teachers’ rules. She
studied when she was told, and what she was told. When her teachers told her she
would be good at sports because of her height, she learned basketball. When her
parents told her that she needed to spend more time on her work, and that the
classmates who occasionally visited needed to stop, Nalani agreed. Four years later,
Nalani was graduating and applying for sixth form. She filled out the parts she
could, and took the form to her parents once more. They looked over the list of
majors at the school, and ticked a box for Nalani to major in. Nalani submitted her
form.

She completed her Associates like her parents planned, then she started applying
for jobs her parents recommended. She got hired and was working.
Eventually, she met a man and her parents did not approve. But the man, Gunnar,
was very persuasive and put a lot of pressure on Nalani. She agreed to marry him,
and they had a baby: Avery.

When Avery was a baby, Nalani said she was not always available to be there to take
care of her because both parents were working and Gunnar was very demanding.
Nalani said she knows sometimes Avery needed her, but Nalani had to leave her
crying, sometimes Avery even cried herself to sleep as an infant because Nalani had
to make sure that Gunnar’s needs were met first. Nalani started crying, and told
Avery she knew that sometimes Avery was hungry, but Gunnar would not tolerate
Nalani leaving him just to “deal with a spoiled child who needed to learn that no one
would come running just because she cried”. Later on, Nalani said there were many
times that Avery needed or wanted her company, but Gunnar would also need
something at the same time and there was no choice: Gunnar would not allow Nalani
to choose Avery.

Nalani broke down, crying, as she spoke to Avery of her past. She knew she had
made many mistakes, including letting Gunnar take control of her and impacting the
care and affection she was able to provide for Avery. Even though Avery was a
productive adult, had given her grandbabies she realized her past was not
something she was exactly proud of.

Avery recognized this talk as one of the first honest conversations the two women
had ever had. She thought carefully before answering. Their lives had not been
quiet, far from perfect and there were many things to discuss but she chose
carefully. Avery started by speaking about how for the last 10 or so years, sleep
had been something hard for her to get enough. She was always physically tired,
but at nights she could not shut off her brain and she spent many hours thinking
about past mistakes or many things that could go wrong or things that needed to
be done. She couldn’t settle down for very long, sometimes after sleeping for short
periods the creaking in the house or the neighbours closing their car doors would
wake her. Every morning she said she woke or was still awake; she was usually still
tired. Avery said she had gone to the doctor and gotten a prescription for sleeping
pills but her doctor had also recommended seeing a therapist. Avery said she had
been too afraid she was depressed, and would need anti-depressants. She knew
depression was more than just being sad, and so she never went, insisting that she
just needed some time to catch up with everything in her life. Instead, she took her
sleeping pills and when those didn’t work she had several glasses of wine.
Eventually, Avery admitted, there were times when she was at work and would
crave a glass of wine. Avery said she had gone back to the doctor when she realized
what was happening and he had explained how the sleeping pill worked on her body,
as well as how the alcohol did. Avery said it became a daily struggle to stop using
both but eventually she did.

Avery stopped talking and looked up at her mom. She told Nalani she was scared
because she had a lot of things to cope with, with the twins, and since her husband
had died, and now with the new pregnancy. She said she had told the doctor that
recently she had realized how jumpy she was, how bad she was at recalling details
for work, or important things her boss told her to get done. She said she wasn’t
eating well and she suffered from a lot of acid reflux and she was just tired. Nalani
looked at Avery and was quiet for a moment.
When Nalani spoke again, she apologized for mistakes made when Avery was
growing up. She said to Avery that she wanted to help Avery as much as possible
now, and they would work together to come up with a plan. She would help Avery
with tasks around the house and the twins as much as possible. This way, Avery
could focus on work, get some rest and spend time with Marcello and Damien
without being too frustrated and constantly snapping and scolding them. Nalani
also spoke to Avery about some of her approaches to the boys, offering some
suggestions for changes. Avery was at first offended, and even said that nothing
was wrong with her methods. She even listed the ways that she supported other
parents in a virtual support group. Finally, she took a deep breath and reminded
herself that the information could only help her have a better home for her children
and herself. She tried to focus on that instead of feeling criticized.

Nalani and Avery finished cleaning up and then Nalani walked home. Avery felt less
burdened and less alone that night.